16th July, 2005
Sherlock's POV
His initial reaction to being drugged is curiosity. Namely, who did it and why. He knows instinctively it wasn't John. That isn't the doctor's method of dealing with situations. That leaves Jim or Jasper. He doesn't think that it was Jasper, the second agent never got close enough. So Jim. But why? That is the part he doesn't really get. So he asks, not actually expecting an answer but wanting one anyways.
The reason given makes sense. He was after drugs. Wildcard used a drug to calm him down. It's the same sort of logic he'd use. He accepts it as such.
Yet, when he glances at John, he gets the impression he is reacting wrong. As John is the only normal one in their group, that bothers him. Is he reacting like a psychopath? Is that why John's not happy with his reaction. But he's not a psychopath, maybe a sociopath despite the fact Jim says he isn't one, only border lining it.
There has to be something wrong with him. He's not responding properly. At least, that's what his impression of John tells him. His friend, that's still very weird to think, the idea that he has a friend, yet he's very sure that they are friends. His friend thinks he's not reacting right. How should he react? Should he be angry that Jim drugged him even though the logic makes sense to him? Is he supposed to be angry because the drugs had unexpected side effects? That just makes him curious. Who else has the psychopath drugged and what were their reactions?
Biting his lip, he glances between the three, trying to figure out the right answer, because it seems all three have different opinions on how he should be reacting.
—Sherlock, — Jasper states clearly, the motion quick and fluid, drawing his attention. —React how is natural to you. Each of us reacts differently to the situation. John reacts like a doctor, concern over your wellbeing and how it will affect you psychologically. Jim responds like a psychopath, interest in how it provides power and the side effects, much like an experiment piquing his interest. I respond like an agent, understanding the motivation even if I do not agree with it. You can respond how it feels natural to you, not how you think others expect you to respond. —
—But I,— he starts, pausing to try and figure out what he really wants to say, —I understand the motivation. — He shrugs, feeling lost. Is there something wrong with him and all those people who thought he was a freak are right?
—There's nothing wrong with that. I'm not a psychopath or sociopath and I understand the motivation.— his cousin replies seriously.
—John thinks, — he begins but ducks his head and drops his hands as he can't bring himself to say what he thinks his friend thinks. That he's wrong, that there is something off with his reaction. He can't bring himself to look at them. He doesn't want to see their disappointment or reactions to him being a freak.
A soft tapping draws his attention, and he finds himself glancing over at the deaf man despite the fact he doesn't want to.
—There is nothing wrong with your reaction. I'm annoyed with Jim, not you.— John tells him, a small reassuring smile playing at the edges of the doctor's lips. —He should have known better than to use drugs on someone who recently detoxed. That and unexpected reaction had a higher chance to occur.—
He blinks, tipping his head to the side and studying John. Something about that seems off, yet everything in his friends bearing says it's true. So why is he getting the impression that there is more to it? He should ask. How to ask? He doesn't want to seem like he is stupid or slow. He feels like he's stupid and slow far too often.
"You are far from stupid," Jim states clearly, the hints of an Irish drawl startling him despite the fact he has heard the psychopath speak on several occasions.
—Mycroft thinks I'm stupid,— he retorts angrily.
—Mycroft can be an idiot,—Jasper cuts in. —Just look at the fact he didn't realize I am the real Jasper Gray during the last six years.—
He surprises himself and the others by laughing, which abruptly stops the laughter as he tries to remember the last time he just laughed at something. It's very amusing to think of his brother as the idiot. Particularly since his brother has always felt he was the stupid one, even when he was a child, no matter what he did. Maybe Mycroft isn't as smart as he likes to say he is.
Only…
In the letters his brother didn't sound like Mycroft thought he was stupid. It almost seemed like his brother blamed himself. Why? It doesn't make sense.
—I don't understand,—he eventually admits, growling because he wants to say it out loud, but he still can't seem to make his throat work for words, though he is slowly getting other sounds back. He doesn't understand why he's having so many issues with sounds. He was slow as a child to speak and communicate verbally.
—That's the first step towards healing, — John answers with a wide smile and an encouraging nod, —Asking questions, knowing there is something that you need to ask about, whether it's help or motivation.—
That doesn't make sense. How's admitting he doesn't understand the first step towards healing?
—Because it opens you up to exploring what you don't understand, and that can lead to finding the answers needed to heal, — Jasper replies with a shrug. —It's like, I can easily admit explosives are not my strong suit. In doing so, I can ask Wildcard here about them, because I can accept the help.—
—Don't think that means he is still not good at them however, cause he learns as fast as us,— Jim retorts with a snicker, motioning between the two of them.
He learns as fast as the agents? Is that right?
—Sherlock, understanding you don't have all the answers is why it's the first step of healing, — John tells him. Standing, the doctor glances between them, —I'm going to make more tea. There is no drugging it.—
Jasper nods seriously, then holds up a small bag, —Got it.—
Jim glances at his cousin with narrow eyes.
He just starts laughing again, this time not as surprised by the sound, so it continues on for several minutes. The two agents share a quick grin before Jim joins in, and Jasper shakes his head.
John returns from the kitchen and just smiles fondly at all of them.
Maybe healing won't be as hard as he thinks, these three are more supportive than he realized. He was sure John was not going to want to be around him anymore because of the fact he came close to relapsing, yet that hadn't happened. Jim and Jasper found him, and they found him before he could harm himself. They didn't force him to go back to the flat where the letters wait for him like a taunt, heartbreak, insecurity, they brought him somewhere he feels safe.
Tomorrow he's supposed to talk with John and Mycroft. They'll probably discuss the letters. He'll probably run away again because it will be too much for him. But if tonight tells him nothing else, it tells him that one of the three will come for him.
Maybe someday Mycroft will come for him too, not just because his brother feels he has to, but because his brother wants to.
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Authors Note: On the 28th of November I will be posting a complete 130 chapter fic over on AO3 called Different Paths that is a James Bond triad verse soulmate fic. The triad is James Bond/Alec Trevelyan/Q (Jon). If there is any interest, I'll also post it here for folks to read over the next few months.