Chapter 11: Never Gonna Give You Up
Back in his cramped apartment, Rocinante carefully sipped at a hot cup of tea. He hadn't bothered to fully remove his kimono, instead letting it hang down his back while he'd sat for a long while and allowed the initial hurt to burn through him.
He huffed in partial amusement; did she really think that things would just go back to normal after that kind of confession? He never would have said what he'd said unless he meant it completely.
And he had meant it. Damn, had he ever meant it...
He tilted the cup back and drained the rest of the tea from it, now cold from having sat so long while he'd been lost in thought.
Rolling the cup back and forth in his hands, Rocinante pictured her face again. He recalled how close they had been and the shock in her eyes...how beautiful he thought she'd looked in that kimono. He couldn't help but feel enchanted by everything about her. It was useless to try and avoid thinking about it. He wanted to be by her side, always.
Setting the cup down onto the rickety wooden table nearby, he shed his kimono fully and hung it over the back of the chair.
"Damn...I love her," he whispered into the empty room, immediately feeling his chest fill up with warmth as he spoke the words.
He knew right then that no matter what happened, those feelings of his wouldn't change. There was no reason for them to. Perhaps she couldn't return the sentiment now, but that didn't necessarily mean she never would. Stranger things had happened.
Rocinante felt that he just couldn't give up on her. She had become far too important to him. He was in too deep to turn back. And so in that moment, he decided that he was go right on loving her as much as he pleased; within the confines of common decency, of course. He simply wouldn't be afraid to show it.
He smiled to himself as he crawled into bed after brushing his teeth-at least as far in as he could manage, anyway, given the fact that both his legs hung off the bed entirely. He pulled the sheets up to his chin and fell into a blissful sleep.
He couldn't wait to see her the next morning.
oOo
A cold cup of coffee sat on Aylin's desk beside her as she attempted to concentrate on her work. She'd gone over the exact same document for the third time when she finally sighed and sat back in her chair. Her mind was simply unable to focus on the task. She'd even arrived a few hours earlier than her shift was supposed to begin after becoming fed up with the way that sleep had evaded her all night.
Aylin massaged her temples, her thoughts taking her back to the night before. She was worried about him. If she were being honest, she was also a little afraid that perhaps she had lost his friendship after that incident. He was her only friend. It was almost absurd how much she had come to rely on him over the past several months. She stared blankly at her cold cup of coffee, wondering if perhaps she had been a bit too harsh The way his face had looked right before she had left... She had only been honest with him, but after having been in this business for as long as she had, Aylin worried that she now lacked the delicate touch required to handle such situations.
These things did occasionally happen between friends. Aylin was well aware of that. She had simply thought that those days were long past her.
A sharp rapping at the door just then caused her to glance up and make a face; it was likely Priscilla again with yet another armload of paperwork. Aylin didn't feel like dealing with that woman at the moment, and with a groan under her breath she used the desk to push herself up and marched over to the door. She fully intended to give the person on the other side a piece of her mind and she opened the door with a bit more force than was necessary, ready to snap at whoever had dared interrupt.
"Wha-?" Her glare disintegrated upon recognizing the tall man on the other side, and her voice immediately softened. "Rocinante..."
He gave her a grin that was almost blindingly bright. "Good morning, Lin!" Leaning over slightly, he presented her with a large bouquet of flowers inside a decorative vase, a variety of different types and colors. "For you."
For a moment, all Aylin could do was gawk at the gift in stunned confusion while her brain attempted to process the gesture. "I, uh..."
Rocinante chuckled, finding her perplexed expression awfully endearing. He had been hoping to surprise her like this. He'd woken up early and decided to head to a flower stand before work. After all, he figured a beautiful woman ought to be treated like the lady that she was. He had actually been hoping to arrive before her, but of course she'd beaten him...as usual.
Aylin's eyes traveled up to meet his. Hadn't she rejected him the night before? She would have thought that, at the very least, he would have avoided her for a while. "What? But...why?"
He gave her a warm smile in return. "Silly...I told you already. I like you. Nothing is ever going to change that." He wanted to reach out and touch her, just to put his hand on her shoulder, although he supposed it wouldn't be wise to release his hold on the vase of flowers that he'd miraculously managed to carry all the way to her office without incident.
She gaped back at him for a moment longer before finally she had a thought to take the vase from him so he didn't have to continue stooping to her level. She snapped out of her daze, gathering her wits enough to give him a stern look. "Are you out of your mind? I thought I made myself clear about this."
"You did," he replied, "but maybe I didn't make myself clear. Listen, nothing you can say or do will change my feelings, Lin." He grinned at her again as he explained, "A man always does nice things for the woman he cares about. Besides, you didn't think we would just stop being friends, did you? Hah! You'll have to work much harder than that to chase me off."
Aylin's eyes widened slightly and she did a poor job of attempting to hide the relief that washed over her face upon hearing those words from him. She turned away quickly, as if it had suddenly become important to find a place to put the vase of colorful flowers.
In truth, she really didn't know what to say. She couldn't argue with him; he certainly had every right to feel the way that he felt, even if she thought that he shouldn't. She understood that he couldn't control his emotions any more than she could.
She set the vase onto the only empty spot on her desk, her fingers gently grazing over a few of the petals. Perhaps eventually he would realize the futility of it all...then he could move on.
Either that or he would leave.
Pursing her lips, Aylin finally turned back to face him, an air of uncertainty in her voice. "Oh? Is that a fact?"
Rocinante was entirely unfazed. "Yes it is, Lin. And I'm already pretty nice, right? So you can just start expecting pretty much twice the niceness from me. Look..." He took a few steps toward her. "No hard feelings about that flat-out rejection last night." A wry chuckle escaped his lips while Aylin sighed. "But you have known me for a while now, and you should know how stubborn I am. It's a trait we both share, after all. So this is my declaration to you, Aylin Wild-" He gave her a cheeky grin. "Yes, I do know your name! I'm not giving up on you. And I'm going to win you over, no matter how long it takes."
Her mouth had fallen slightly agape, surprised at how he didn't seem the least bit discouraged and, in fact, seemed more confident than ever. Did he really intend to chase after her forever?
But he wasn't finished. Taking advantage of her silence, he continued, "So...Lin, will you go out with me tonight? Dinner and a nice stroll by the docks. You know, the nice part of the docks and not the seedy side."
Aylin managed a strangled sound of protest. Surely he was just being naive. Feelings changed. People changed. She had already lived it once before. After a few long seconds of silence, she let out a sigh, thinking he would simply have to learn the hard way. She glanced back up at him, not missing the fact that he'd taken extra time to look a bit nicer that morning. Furthermore, she thought she smelled a hint of cologne on him.
In spite of it all, she couldn't help but find it somewhat cute that he'd gone out of his way to spiff himself up for her.
Still, be that as it may, her answer remained the same.
"No," she said, raising her eyebrows just slightly, as if checking to be sure that he'd understood.
If he was disappointed, Rocinante showed virtually no sign of it on his face. "Alright, we'll do something else, then. I'm sure our coffee house will be expecting us. Oh, and I made some things for us to eat at lunch. When are you going on break today? I'll make sure Maynard lets me off at the same time."
The smile never left his face as he spouted such things, as if spending so much time together was the most natural thing in the world. And really, it was. Things had simply ended up that way before he'd even realized it. He adored seeing her face and its myriad of expressions every day.
Meanwhile, Aylin suddenly couldn't decide if she was more angry that she'd spent half the night tossing and turning, worrying about this fool, or glad that their friendship remained intact. In the end, she simply shook her head and threw her hands up.
"I don't know what I'm going to do with you, seriously. Fine, I'm taking my lunch at 11. I'll meet you outside like usual."
Rocinante practically beamed back at her. "Alright! I'll see you later, then. Don't work too hard, okay?" He turned to head out the door, doubling back a moment to wink and blow a kiss in her direction.
She could only look on in absolute bewilderment, and then alarm as he kept walking and immediately smacked his head on the doorframe.
"Don't give yourself a damn concussion!"
oOo
Over the next few months, Rocinante made good on his promise and doubled his efforts to treat her with kindness; he would present her with flowers at least once a week, he would open doors for her, he'd walk her home even while she insisted she didn't need him to. He was very open with his affection, but never crossed a line or made her feel any sort of guilt over not reciprocating. It was natural. It was nice.
It made her a little uncomfortable.
All the little things were what had the most impact. He would sneak into her office and leave her little notes or small tokens. He seemed to make every effort to remember anything she ever said to him, no matter how small, something that especially surprised her. She wasn't used to someone paying that much attention to the things she said in passing, things she would never expect anyone to remember. Her favorite color, her favorite food, that one song that she hated and had absently commented on one time, but whenever it came on the radio he would immediately change it to another station. He picked up on her moods, knew when she wanted to sit in silence and also when she wanted to talk. Aylin even suspected that he'd been coming to her defense in her absence; one day she'd exchanged sharp words with a particularly difficult man who worked down in cargo, and the next day he was sporting a black eye that Rocinante had pretended extra hard to know nothing about.
Maybe, she thought, the reason the whole thing made her uncomfortable was because actually, she wasn't uncomfortable with any of those small gestures. In fact, she was becoming quite accustomed to them. In the back of her mind, she knew that she shouldn't. There were too many reasons. First: being involved with an associate was never a good idea, let alone an associate of the Blackburn Syndicate. Second: as well as she knew him, Aylin still felt that she barely knew him at all sometimes and the same could be said in reverse. Third: their age difference, of course, was also a factor, her being eleven years his senior. Although in truth, these days she hardly even thought of it when they were together. Fourth: Aylin had a daughter back home, and although he was well aware of this fact, she wasn't quite convinced that he knew what he was trying to get himself into.
But in spite of all those reasons, she couldn't help but look forward to being in his presence. She couldn't deny that since the day he'd stumbled into her life, he'd made it brighter. They worked within such a grim organization, but somehow Rocinante managed to make the days more fun. It was nice to have something she'd been avoiding ever since she'd gotten herself tangled up in the Syndicate...maybe even longer than that. He was her closest friend, her entire support system, and maybe...if she were truly being honest with herself...maybe if she let him, he could be so much more. Once, twice, a handful of times in the dark of night, amidst those hazy moments before falling asleep, Aylin may have let herself imagine what things could be like if she did...and then later on, convincing herself that those pretend moments of pure bliss were simply part of a strange dream she'd had.
It was crazy to even think that such a thing would work out, wasn't it? Aylin had to keep her priorities in order. Wasn't seeking her own happiness ultimately a selfish thing to do, when she was already sacrificing precious time that could have been spent with her own flesh and blood?
It was too late to go back now, of course. She was already bound and tethered to this world. Still, those thoughts weighed on the back of her mind, tugging on her heart. Telling her she should only be focused on carrying out the duty she had bestowed upon herself. Deviating from that path for the sake of her own selfish desires...
She couldn't. She shouldn't.
Rocinante deserved all the happiness in the world-of that she was convinced. But Aylin knew he would never find that kind of happiness so long as he insisted upon chaining himself to the likes of her.