I'm sorry I took so long to update. Back to updating regularly.

I sat down; trying to take deep breaths and continuously mentally tell myself it will be ok, while I waited for Finn to return back from his room with my children.

He did.

The minute Jake saw me, he ran over to me, holding the drawing he had just coloured up in the air.

"Look what I did, mama! I hardly even went out of the lines," he said happily.

"That's great, baby. Look at it! Your like an artist!" I replied, being overly optimistic. I took the picture out of his hands and looked at the colouring of the fancy car he had done. The car was fully blue because that was Jake's favourite colour and, like he said, he'd only gone out of the lines three times which was a record for him. At the bottom, he had signed his name in his big, square-like writing- Jake Lighton.

"And what did you draw?" I asked Riley who was now at my feet holding up his page full of squiggles.

"Mama," he said giggling.

"Thank you baby, it's amazing!" I replied, proud of both my sons.

I scooped Riley up on to my lap and pulled Jake closer by his waist, turning them around so they could see everyone.

"These are some of my very special friends," I said, "and they really want to meet you both, so why don't you go talk to them, ey?"

Jake eyed me up, not moving, and Riley buried his head in to my chest, pretending to act shy.

It was Puck that broke the awkwardness. He walked over and knelt down in front of Jake.

"Hey, man, I'm your mommy's friend, Puck," he said.

"I'm Jake Lighton," my son replied, putting out his fist, the same meeting he does with Finn.

Puck chuckled, banging his small fist lightly with his own larger one.

"Jake Lighton's a cool name. You sound like a rockstar or something, man," Puck spoke, trying to start conversation.

"I want to be," Jake answered, cheerfully. "And what's your last name, Puck?"

"Puck is my last name. I'm actually called Noah Puckerman but I hate my name because it's girly so everyone calls me Puck. Well, everyone except your mom," he said glaring at me.

"That's cool!" Jake practically shouted. "Can I call myself Light or something?"

"No!" I answered quickly. "Don't call yourself using your last name Jakey." I returned the glare to Noah.

"What about Puck then? Jake Puck? No, I don't like that. What about Hud, for Hudson? And it's like a hood on the coat. I like that mommy."

"No, Jake. You're called Jake. Noah's silly, that's why he calls himself Puck," I answered.

I looked up at Finn who politely stood in the corner of the room, letting me do the talking for my self. He was chuckling lightly but used the back of his hand to try and disguise it from me. I glared at him, but more playfully than the glare I exchanged with Puck.

Kurt stood up, walked up to the sofa where I was sat and slid next to me.

"Hi," he said, in his innocent, child-like voice, "I'm Kurt. I'm Finn's brother and was one of your mom's best friends."

"Wow your Finn's brother?" Jake asked whilst Riley started to clamber over my knee towards Kurt. Happily, Kurt held out his hands and took my squirming baby of off me before replying to Jake.

"Yep, well, not all of my life. My Dad married Finn's Mom when we were 16 and we've been brother's ever since. He's like my really brother though, as annoying and close as one."

"Riley's annoying sometimes. He messes up my car games and cries when I'm watching Toy Story," Jake said glumly. "But, I still love him."

"That's exactly like me and Finn," Kurt answered.

He looked down at Riley who was sat in Kurt's arms, using his chubby hands to gently play with Kurt's shirt and neckerchief, giggling to himself every so often.

"Shall I introduce you to all you Mama's friends then?" Kurt continued. Jake nodded eagerly, a smile spread from cheek to cheek.

Kurt pointed to the each person and introduced them starting with Quinn, then to Sam, Mercedes, Tina, Mike, Santana and Brittany, leaving Blaine till last. "And this is my boyfriend, Blaine."

Blaine threw an almost timid like wave and smile over to my boys.

"Hi," Jake said happily, "Are you like Grandpa and Pappy?"

Kurt looked at me and we exchanged smiles, "In fact, I am. Blaine and I love each other like Grandpa and Pappy love each other."

"And like I love you, and mommy, and grandpa, and pappy, and riley, and daddy and Finn, and…" Jake said mumbling to himself.

"Hey, what about me?" Puck replied playfully.

Jake giggled and started to talk again when Kurt cut him of by saying, "exactly like that."

This is how the rest of the night was spent.

Catching up with my old (now regained) friends, them meeting and talking to my sons, laughing and eating.

Finn and I shared the occasional glance but never could speak due to everyone wanting to know about my last 6 years of life.

At 11 o'clock I decided it was time to go. Both of the boys were dressed in the pyjamas I'd packed. Jake was lay on my lap in a deep slumber and Riley was long gone asleep, tucked up in his push chair and covered with blankets.

I brought up the time and said how I should leave when Finn offered to walk me home.

Puck raised and eyebrow and Kurt made an excuse for Blaine to go instead but Finn threw on his black coat and sighed before complaining and telling them he'll be back in the apartment by 12.

Finn picked up a thick, fluffy pale blue blanket and wrapped it around Jake whilst easily scooping Jake's still sleeping self on to his shoulder and curling his long arm safely around him.

I stood up and walked to the pushchair where Riley lay asleep. Finn started to move to the door telling everyone he'll be back soon and not to wait for him whilst I said my good byes to everyone.

We got in the elevator and at first it was a quite awkward silence. I broke it by trying my best to make small talk.

"So, tonight was fun," I said.

"Hm," he agreed. "Up for it again?"

"Yes, I loved catching up with everyone although I would have liked to speak to you more as well."

"Yeah…" he answered before turning his head towards the floor.

We didn't talk much on the 20 minute walk back, not until we got near my house.

"So you really had a good night?" he asked, and, at first, the broken silence terrified me.

"Yes, I mean it was really fun. I spoke to a lot of old friends and got to see you."

"Yeah, seeing me was the best part," he said back, smirking.

"No, I mean I enjoy seeing you but I enjoyed everyone else being there too, not just you," I quickly answered, stuttering and stammering slightly.

He down at me, and the smile that was plastered right across his face was practically letting of visible beams. He looked so attractive. I know I shouldn't be thinking like this since it's been less then 2 months since my fiancé, the person I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with, died. But it was Finn Hudson, and I just couldn't help but feel like putty whenever he was around.

"If you say so," he replied slyly, a smile still right across his face.

I pouted and he chuckled, but when he looked me in the eye was smile faded in to a sad expression and he looked towards the floor again.

We walked up the flight of stairs to my apartment and he helped my bring the boys in and put them to bed until it left the two of us.

"Good bye, Finn," I said as we got near the door. "Thanks for the great night, I mean it."

He stared at me, studying me like a picture, a confused look across his face. He smiled his small, crooked half smile before leaning in and capturing my lips in his.

It was truly the best feeling I've ever felt.

I know we kissed a few days ago, but I was the one who kissed him. Him kissing me was perfect.

The butterflies that made a home in my stomach during the awkward walk home soared away, a warm, sensational feeling replacing them. I could practically feel the sparks that were shooting off our bodies and radiating on to the other. It was like the whole world stopped. These whole 6 years never happened. Like I was still sat on a rusty old car in Burt's tire shop half focusing on the important conversations about Nationals and moving to New York with Finn and Kurt and half focusing on the secret, sneaky make out sessions we would fit in. Like I had a chance to have a future with Finn. This was all too much.

As his tongue gently pushed in to my mouth, my own tongue fighting his back, I realised why this was too much.

These 6 years did happen. And no, I don't regret anything that happened in that time. Not at all. I don't regret Joseph, or Jake and Riley. Nothing. It just makes me realise that we shouldn't be kissing. I shouldn't be enjoying this.

Finn and me can't be together.

However much I'd like it, I have 2 sons to think about. And I recently lost my fiancé. We can't be together. We can never be together, so I pushed him back.

He tried pulling back towards me at first, then realised I was trying to stop the kiss.

Sadness filled his eyes. I couldn't stand to see his disappointed, hurt and confused face.

"What's wrong?" he asked. His voice was croaky and weary.

I took a deep breath then looked him in the face, trying to persuade his eyes with my own, the ones that I had made dark and concrete like.

"Get out," I simply said.

"What? Rachel, I didn't mean to. I'm so sorry. Honestly, I didn't mean to upset you or do anything you didn't want. I'm so so sorry," he said, the welling of tears being made prominent in his voice.

He was apologising. He thought I was upset. That I didn't want it.

So I repeated my previous words, "get out."

He looked smashed. His face crumbled in front of me and he looked away for a minute before looking in my direction but slightly down to avoid eye contact. "I'm so sorry," he mumbled as he turned his back and stalked away.

Thanks so much:) Lovelovelove