It seems that once Finn's out of your life, everything slows down, less things matter.

It happened the first time I lost him. A naïve, 16 year old Rachel Berry who lost the boy she loved due to her being stupid and demanding. Due to her cheating on him with his best friend for something he did months before, when they weren't even together. At that point, after he told that same naïve girl they can't be together just before Christmas, her world broke down. Hurt and regret filled her stomach and didn't leave. That girl didn't care about anything but, instead of coming clean, put on a hard shell and acted like she didn't cry every night of what could have been and puncture her lungs every time she saw Finn let alone saw Finn with Quinn or Santana or any girl.

But then, their relationship rekindled and even if it meant losing a singing competition, she wouldn't regret their new, more matured relationship. This naïve girl fell hard for this lost boy and they got engaged, was going to get married, and took on their senior year together and in love.

Then she lost him again.

This girl and boy were going to get married, be in love, but he left her. Left her alone on the day of their supposed marriage. Forced her on a train to New York and, although she loves New York now and then, the same hurt she felt prior filled her stomach again but this time less regret. She regretted not fully listening to this boy's dreams and wishes and following her own light but it was him breaking up with her, his mistake and choice to let her go and send her away.

Again, her world slowed and she didn't care anymore until this still young, naïve girl met this man, who loved New York like she did and loved her. Joseph Lighton.

He didn't leave her.

When she thought he would, when she brought him a baby that had less chance of being his than it did to being her ex-fiancé's. He didn't leave her and make her feel hurt and regret; he stood by her. He stood by her as this young girl transformed in to a woman, in to me.

Until he did leave me. But it wasn't his choice. He promised to stay with me and our beautiful, precious boys for the rest of his life and he did. Just not for the rest of ours.

What hurt more though was when Joseph left me for good; I realized that Finn leaving me for a few months was more painful.

And now, this once lost boy, now a strong, kind man wanted him and I to rekindle our relationship for the third time. Third time lucky. But no. I couldn't let it. I wouldn't. I have two small children who depend on me, their mom. I can't fall back in to the excruciating pain he makes me feel every time we break apart so I left before we could break. And even this tight, heart wound pain I'm feeling now is better then being completely heartbroken down the line.

After I told him to get out, he tried to get in contact. Phoned me, text me and even turned up at my doorstep but I ignored him.

Jake and Riley asked where he was. I replied telling them that he wanted to see them and missed them but couldn't because of mommy. I couldn't let Finn take the blame.

I still speak to these new, old friends that Finn had made me reconnect with. Kurt and Blaine have been my rock and know everything what happened, all my feelings and even they won't force me to talk to Finn.

They're looking after the boys today. Taking them out to the park with me for a while and then letting me disappear on my own for a bit while they take care of my children.

At 11 o'clock Kurt and Blaine arrive at my apartment, Kurt barging past me at the door and running to scoop up Riley and Jake and smoother them with hugs and kisses where as Blaine stood and spoke to me for a while. We went out and watched both the boys play on the grass and on the play area with Kurt and Blaine as I sat on a nearby bench.

Suddenly, I felt someone's presence as I laughed and watched my life play and look genuinely happy.

"Hey," I heard Finn's musky voice quietly say.

I snapped my head towards him and glared, "what are you doing here?" I demanded.

"I want- needed to see you. It's been 3 weeks, Rach, and you've been avoiding me like the plague. I just don't understand," he spoke quickly but softly and convincingly. As he spoke, I stared at his appearance and came to the conclusion that obviously these 3 weeks have been hard for him as well. He wore grey tracksuit bottoms and a navy jacket, a thin, slightly creased white t-shirt on underneath. His hair was messed up more than usual and his slight scruff had turned in to a small brown beard, like he hadn't shaved regularly.

He looked up from his lap, where he had sent the speech to, and in to my still concrete-like eyes, pleadingly.

"So you decided to follow me? Hunt me down until you found me to 'talk'?"

"No Kurt mentioned tha-"

"Kurt," I interrupted, laughing sarcastically. "As if I didn't think Kurt would tell you. I'm so stupid for ever trusting him knowing how close you are."

"No, I asked him to tell me where you were and stuff but he never did. Honestly. He fucked me off so long because I was his brother and he ignored me when I didn't even knew what I did and he obviously did. He spoke to me like after two weeks and mentioned going to the park today with Blaine and some people. I sort of assumed it would be you so turned up," he answered.

"I don't want to talk to you," I replied, trying to make him leave.

"Rachel, we need to."

"No, we don't! Just go back to the perfect life you were living before I turned up," I spat out.

He didn't leave, just sat there innocently staring at me until I span round and glared again. "I said I don't want to talk!"

"Well listen to me then," he tried.

I sighed, giving in to him, as he won't leave me till I heard him out.

"I like you, a lot. Like really like you and I sort of thought you did too. Not as much as I did because you've got like you own family now and you're going through a pretty bad time, but I thought you did, at least a little. So, for once, I decided to listen to my heart and not my brain that told me it was a 'fucking stupid idea that would just piss up any sort of friendship we had' and I kissed you. It was great, I mean so fucking great and it made me think you wanted it to, us. But then you pushed me back and told me to get out and, Rachel that was seriously the worst think you've ever done to me.

I know we decided to not bring up the past but yeah, we've fucked up our relationship about fifty times. I lied, you lied and I know I forced you to go to New York but I never completely told you to leave me. I had every intention of fucking coming back to you but Kurt told me you were happy again and then Kurt stopped talking to you after a few months and I wanted to go back and find you and make sure you were ok but I couldn't. I tried Rachel, but you left me. Not for my own good but for yours. I knew you wanted this but you were to god damn scared to admit it so pushed me away, crushing me, without even talking or thinking it through. You left me and the ignored me for 3 weeks making out that I was the bad person when actually you were the one who was too fucking selfish to think of me going home and crying myself to sleep in my apartment because you're the only human with feelings that you won't even let yourself feel," his words came out progressively faster and he took a minute to breath and calm down.

"Why Rachel? Why won't you just feel, or explain to me what you felt that night? Because I can't deal with not knowing and being hated by you."

I breathed and then slowly and quietly began talking.

"I don't hate you. No one could hate you, Finn Hudson. You're right. I did feel something but I'm… I'm shit scared about it Finn. I mean, I should be crying about Joe, yet I spend my nights crying about you. I feel 16 again and it's scary, really scary because I'm this independent woman who's a mom. I can't be 16 again when I have two little lives I have to take care off."

"I could help you," he interrupted. "I could just be your friend but would still help you."

I sighed and carried on, ignoring his comment. "I feel things for you Finn, and they're 10 times stronger than anything I've ever felt before and it's terrifying because I shouldn't feel it. But I do, so I don't want to ignore you but I can't have a relationship. I need to fully get over Joe, 100%. We need to maybe see other people-"

"No," he interrupted again. "I'm not seeing other people. Me and Niomi are nothing anymore. She wasn't you and I'm not settling for second best when the best is right in front of me."

I blinked for a few seconds and breathed, choosing to ignore his comment again. "We need to see other people and make sure what we're feeling is real and not just a spur of the moment thing of us trying to hold on to the past. I'm not saying be in a serious relationship just go on a few dates. I don't know if I will because I'm still mourning but, Finn, you're a funny, kind, hot single 25 year old man in New York, you could see plenty of girls and do it. Please, for me and like you said all those years ago; if we're meant to be together, then we're gonna be together."

It was quiet at first until he looked up at me with glistening eyes, "ok," he said, "but don't expect me to be nice if you get a boyfriend."

"I'd never imagine such a thing," I said, with a slight smile.

And with that he disappeared in to the crowds and left her sat alone on the park bench again.

Later that day, once Jake and Riley were bathed and in bed, I told Blaine and Kurt about my meeting with Finn. They, of course, asked questions and wanted to know what came of this so I answered as honestly as possible without telling them the full conversation and told them that we're friends again but aren't together and are trying out our feelings before letting them feel fully, I don't think I made sense but they nodded and seemed to understand.

We then ate dinner and they left me, in my hidden fantasy world with Finn Hudson.