I guess I'm back to this. Some of it was written last year, however the majority was written between this weekend and last, hopefully I'm going to be far more consistent this year on than last time.

It seems hospitals smell the same everywhere. The last thing I remember is the blood, it was everywhere, and I knew i had caused it.

I didn't want to kill it, the thought never really occurred to me, but I was so... So angry. I just wanted it to stop, and I was so scared that I couldn't make it stop. And then it did, and it was over, and I started breathing so fast that I just blacked out. Panic attack, of course. It wasn't the first time, I had these before when accidental magic happened, and I guess this count as accidental magic.

There was no way that I could make that happen again, right?

It was dark, and the hospital wing was, it seemed, entirely empty. My wand was on the table, and I reached out to grasp it and gasped at the sight of my left hand, it was a bit swollen and red, and it hurt to move it somewhat. I guess this is what happens when you lose control...

A quick cast of Tempus with my other, non-swollen hand yielded four in the morning, and left alone with just my thoughts, they began circling back onto what had happened. I nearly got all of us killed, didn't I? I shouldn't have gone, but then Hermione would have died, and that would most definitely not be okay.

But to save her, I... I was a killer, now. And that realization was horrid, and terrifying. I had killed, and if I ever lose control, then I could do it again, this time it could be a human, or even one of my friends, no, that couldn't happen!

My breathing quickened, and I knew I was on the verge of another panic attack, I didn't want to be in here anymore, didn't want to be alone, I wanted to be back in my bed in the dorms, with the girls, where I could stop thinking about it, I could never hurt them!

But I couldn't just leave, no, I was sure the doors were locked, and that the resident healer would come to check on me in a few hours, since I was left overnight here. And that made me feel worse, I was trapped until morning, and I didn't like that at all, no, I didn't want to be here anymore.

My vision blackened, and I felt a surge of what could only be my magic. I felt myself squeezed through a tube, then I saw the light show as bands constricted around me, then it was darkness... and then I hit a bed. The drapes were startlingly familiar. Ruby red, golden threading, velvet sheets... Gryffindor dorm. Did I just... lose control again and teleport myself, which should be impossible, as, I have no frakkin' idea of how to apparate!?

I forced myself to calm down as much as I could, better not to think about it too much, and just tried my best to go back to sleep. Eventually it worked.

It was morning now, and everything was calm, no sign of the almost tragedy that happened yesterday remained, as far as I knew, even the bathroom bore no mark of the fight occurred inside of it, magic taking swift care to repair the damage caused, directed by the headmaster to his bidding.

I just directed mine to open my shutters.

My hand wasn't swollen anymore, and I proceeded to change clothes into my uniform with little fanfare, deciding a shower wasn't needed just yet; the wash last night had been enough.

I killed a damned troll, almost on my own.

I killed a troll.

Still can't get over it, really; How could I? I'm just a little girl, albeit, with what happened and the things I can manage to do without knowing how… Maybe I am something special.

I'd think about it later, breakfast and then Herbology awaited, and I want to see if people know what happened.

They didn't know what went on.

Of course, I should have figured they'd cover it up, Dumbledore would be seen as incompetent if it became wide spread that a little girl had to kill a troll in his school by herself, let alone let known that a little girl killed a troll.

Even if that little girl was His daughter, the daughter of the big, gracious Potter who slayed Voldemort.

How so that I'm only hearing about this at Hogwarts, rather than my mum telling me?

No matter, these sconces are far more important than any musings I could come up with, and herbology is sure to be fun.

Susan looked at me with obvious concern over my quietness, but I wanted to think, really, and talking isn't conducive to deep thought; daydreaming also, but that was inevitable, wasn't it?

Eventually we gathered our things and toddled off, the path known to us by now, and within ten minutes we were at the Herbology greenhouse awaiting instructions, however, something was different today; see, normally it's just the forest that speaks to me, and speaks is a broad term for what actually happens; I get a mental impression of what it wants to tell me when I ask, and that's about it.

This time, with these plants, and it hadn't happened in my previous classes, I got a distinct word, they said 'Mother', repeatedly, and obviously addressing me directly. How could I be their mother?

I heard snickers which snapped my attention back to the present company, the professor wasn't here yet, and all of us children were left alone for a few minutes, children of opposite houses, mischief is wont to occur then.

And occur it did.

"Hey, Potter!" Mocked Malfoy, and then a swift mass of dirt was flying straight at my face, produced from his hand; "Catch!"

This stupid, childish, ridiculous ape! I hope he dies!

There was a snapping sound, then another, and they kept on, my mind kept blaring anguished feelings, all saying the same thing, 'Mother!', they seemed concerned, and they seemed angry. I didn't know how to reassure them.

I wiped the mud off my face and saw what was going on, the snaps had been vines from the dangerous plants Professor Sprout pointedly keeps away from us, that had somehow stretched themselves farther than they usually would, and they were suspending Malfoy in the air, one vine tightly coiled on his neck, and the plant felt angry, and spoke to me of doing what I wanted.

Realization hit me fast; I had hoped he would die.

How do I stop this? I wasn't sure how to stop it, I couldn't just straight up talk to the vines, and asking them mentally to stop wasn't working, so how?

I lifted my hand and imagined the vine being cut, the one holding his neck, and willed it to happen with all I had.

The vine snapped, cut exactly at the point my mind was focused on.

It retreated, emanating feelings of pain and betrayal, it meant that it had only been doing what I wanted, and I hurt it in exchange. 'Mother…'

Why do they keep calling me mother?

"You! You did this!" He pointed his finger at me, standing up shakily and taking deep breaths, "You tried to kill me!"

"She didn't do anything! You've gone mad, Malfoy!" shouted Susan, next to me, always prompt to defending me against anything. It was so lovely of her.

"How else could that plant have gotten to me? I was nowhere close to it! Look, it's five meters away!"

"She can't do that! No one can control plants like that!"

"I'm sure it was her! Wait until father hears of this!"

"You will hide behind your father's skirt and accuse me of murder when I've done nothing?" I spoke for the first time, when in reality I had just saved his life, albeit… indirectly, I did put him in danger.

He didn't like my words, his face turned red and his wand came out faster than I would expect of him.

"You filth! Serpensortia!" He bellowed, and a viper shot right out of the air in front of his wand. I panicked, I hated snakes of all kinds, and this bloody thing was poisonous.

I did not want to die.

I waved my hand, wildly, wanting it to push away anything in front of me, just to keep the stupid snake away, and a wave of, I don't know what it was, but it was moving away from me like an unstoppable force, pushing aside anything in its way, decimating the snake and breaking the table separating us in half.

Then it hit Malfoy.

First it was a dry impact, but he didn't hit the floor after being slammed into by the wave, the wave took him with it, and splashed him again, this time hitting the walls of the greenhouse, there was a sickening crack, and the wave kept on while he remained against the solid iron cast structure that formed the wall, then dropped, ragdoll like, to the floor. He didn't move, and I didn't think he was breathing.

I think I just killed Malfoy.

Oh my god I killed Malfoy.

I'm a murderer, I killed Malfoy, and what do I do!?

My breathing quickened, the onset of another panic attack, and I could see myself surrounded by a glowing light, blue, and sharp, it glowed stronger than sunlight yet only around me, it obscured and overtook the light from the sun when I lifted my hand to look at it. The symbols in my wrists were shining brightly enough that it escaped the folds of my robes.

I rode a sleeve up, and sure it was shining electric blue, but stronger, just as my body was.

Then I felt a hug. All I saw was red.

And then Pomona Sprout was here.

"What has happened!" She panicked, running straight towards the prone form of Malfoy, who I was almost a hundred percent sure wasn't breathing anymore, and examined him.

She only confirmed my suspicions by slowing down her movements, if he was alive, she would be far speedier in her reaction, she would be calling someone, but no, she seemed… defeated. She rose slowly, and then asked again, "What happened?"

I couldn't speak, and the glow hadn't faded just yet. She looked straight at me, and Susan began an explanation of the events, hastily cobbled together but truthful nonetheless; "He… He threw a snake at her! He used a spell and then there was a viper, the poisonous ones, and she screamed then waved her hand like she was slapping it away, and some… weird wave happened that split it apart and hit Malfoy full on!"

And now he was dead.

Professor Sprout pulled out her wand.

"Miss Potter, you will have to come with me, now." She said, her voice downcast.

"We must speak with the headmaster to know what to do next, Mister Malfoy is no more; class dismissed, all of you except Miss Potter are to go to your dorms. Today; we mourn."

Students shuffled off, slowly vacating the premises, the last one off was Susan who kept her eyes on me as long as she could, she looked so worried it hurt me.

I really don't want to worry her.

"Accidental magic," He drawled, tightly contained fury was evident in his voice, "You are saying; that my boy, died, because of accidental magic!?"

His glare moved targets, it was previously on the headmaster, and was now focused on me. I felt threatened by this man, Lucius Malfoy I knew he was, the father of the boy I just killed.

The boy I killed.

"I didn't mean to kill him…" my voice was small, and it went almost unheard, my mother was shouting at him at the top of her lungs now, and it only made me feel even worse.

"My daughter is no killer!" she said, "She didn't do this on purpose!"

And it was true, I hadn't, all I wanted was that stupid snake to be torn apart. After that, it was out of my control…

"On purpose or not my son is dead! I demand she be given the kiss!"

"We cannot give the kiss to an eleven year old girl, Lucius! Listen to yourself!" boomed the headmaster, who seemed much older than every time I had set my eyes on him before. It seemed the proceedings had hit him hard, and it showed, his posture was slouched, tired, and his eyes weren't as bright.

"Blood must have blood, Dumbledore. The girl will pay; one way or another." He snarled, and turned to leave, his gaze lingered on me, filled with threat, and it frightened me.

Why was all of this happening to me?

Dumbledore sighed, and took a few deep breaths to steady himself, then spoke; "I know it was an accident, Miss Potter."

I nodded, not trusting my voice just yet.

"You won't be set on trial for this, as there is simply no way you could have done this on purpose. It must have been accidental magic, for not even I can conjure kinetic force with my bare hand let alone with that much strength. The power within you is beyond impressive, Miss Potter; you must learn to control yourself and keep it in leash."

My mother hugged me close to her side, and I felt safe, even if the anxiety didn't go away.

"This cannot happen again, Miss Potter, volatile accidental magic is dangerous, and you will still be punished for this."

I feared what came next.

"You are to be expelled, Miss Potter."

I gasped, and tears came to my eyes.

My mother protested loudly, but I knew it would be no use. Words filtered in and out of my ears, not really registering, but soon it was over.

The headmaster said that I was to leave now, with Lily, and say my goodbyes.

I couldn't stop myself from crying right then and there.

Saying goodbye wasn't a long affair, we took more time tracking down both Hermione and Susan than actually talking with them.

No words were exchanged, only actions showed what was going on; at last I told them it was goodbye, and they both crushed me in hugs. We had little time, but our bond had grown strong.

I couldn't be with them anymore.

The years had been kind.

My mother had to take my wand away, but I never needed it anyway.

My control had gotten to the fine point of me being able to levitate multiple objects at once, in multiple trajectories, including opposite directions. I could manifest things into being, I could teleport myself at will so long as I had been there before. I knew what had happened in that forest, now.

The marks, I knew what they were. I had learned, just yesterday, exactly what they were.

It had been a visit to a park that revealed it, an old forest, near Nottingham, the greeting was as usual, the forest met me as Mother, as they all did now since that day, and I decided to ask about them.

They were the mark of Cernunnos.

The mark of the avatar; the current god of harvest, the forest, and magic.

I was a goddess.

I still can't believe it.

My power has just grown, and I haven't lost control all this time, however, I fear the next time I do the consequences will be much larger than before.

How much power does a goddess have? I didn't know, and I didn't want to find out.

The forest told me I would live for thousands of years, that I could not die unless of old age, and that magic would obey my every command. This would be anyone's dream, but it was my nightmare.

Temper tantrums had to be avoided at all costs, and being a hormonal teenager…

I already had a close call, in an argument with my mother last week, I had pinned her to the wall with my will before I knew what I was doing.

She had found out then that I wasn't normal.

It was summer, now. School had let out, muggle school was rather simplistic compared to my little time at Hogwarts. It all lasted only a few months, but it had been nice. It had been one of the best times of my life, really.

It had been five years, but I looked back at it very fondly. I had the periodical visits from Susan, though Hermione had eventually stopped coming after two years. I still sent her letters sometimes, but our friendship wasn't what it was before. I guess being alone at Hogwarts made her feel abandoned; she hadn't got on with Susan as well as with me, and Susan says they rarely spoke.

We've all grown up, my sixteenth birthday was right around the corner, and Susan had said she would be here today; knight bus was rather fast transportation, even if I could be much faster if I wanted to.

But I knew I couldn't do anything, I wasn't supposed to have any sort of magic now, I was supposed to be entirely useless without a wand, turned into little more than a squib. They were so very, very wrong.

I displayed my marks proudly; now, I pretended to mum that they were tattoos, and that I was going through a rebellious phase.

She had a fit and a half over it, but eventually let it pass. There was nothing she could do about them without my willing consent, either way. Magic that involved the body worked that way.

There was one thing that worried me, last winter, I couldn't do much. I was bed ridden, not sickly, but tired. I felt rather exhausted, especially prior to the major holidays. I felt as if I must rest, and rest only, I slept for sixteen hours straight on the 23rd, and only awoke due to mum shaking me out of it.

I still felt tired then.

I was a bit worried that it would happen again, this winter, and every winter through the rest of my life. Would I become a slob when snow was out?

The antlered one, mother, must go to rest, the forests said.

The antlered one.

I woke up with a pair of rather gigantic and distressing antlers sprouting out of my hair one time. Thankfully, the freak out made them go away and they hadn't reappeared just yet.

I hoped they didn't.

Susan was here, and her presence was as warm as it had always been, her demeanour pleasant and inviting to me as had been since the first time.

And now she was taller than me, and broader than me. Her hips were on the large size, her butt was much perkier than mine, and her chest was, as she proudly boasted to me at one point, much larger.

I wasn't jealous of that last one, though. Sacks of fat must be so heavy, pity the poor girl.

She hugged me rather tight, as usual; she was the one initiating physical contact. I was rather accustomed to it by now, and welcomed it even, however much it reminded me of thoughts that should not be had.

I had started thinking of her in ways that you aren't supposed to think of your friends, last summer. It was a rather hot day, and she had decided on precious little clothing to adapt to it.

I swear just the sight of her made me feel ten degrees hotter, that day.

"Jen!" she chirped; "I missed you. How have you been?"

"Rather fine, really; this year felt rather fast, how about you?"

She loosened her hold on me and stood slightly apart, but didn't let go the arms that were around my neck, poised on my shoulders.

"I've been good! I had really good scores on my owls, so auntie decided I could spend the entire summer with you!"

Huh? That sounded rather amazing.

"Of course, um… your mum has to agree first."

Ah, that was the catch. Alas, it wouldn't really be difficult to get her to.

"That's fine, I'm sure she'll like the idea; let's go find her, she should be in the kitchen."

She took my hand and dragged me. Was this normal? I didn't exactly have other friends. She was all I had at this point.

It wasn't easy to connect with the kids at my school, they were so… normal. It didn't feel like I belonged. And so I didn't make any friends there, barely acquaintances, who would never hold my hand like this. I had no idea if it was just a simple gesture of friendship, her hurrying me along, or something more.

Did it matter?

Then we were at the kitchen, and there was my mother, her red hair pulled down into a braid in contrast to my raven one high in a ponytail, her clothing very conservative whereas mine was just a sports bra and leggings; I wasn't exactly feeling like dressing up when I woke up three hours ago. It was barely ten in the morning, so there was no reason to go outside, why get dressed?

…Maybe Susan was looking at my breasts when she came in and didn't meet my eyes?

Bad Jen, get your head out of the gutter, they're talking.

"…That would be nice, yes; I'd love to have you here." Mum smiled, and nodded towards me, "This one has been so quiet since her last birthday, that it almost feels like I'm alone in here when she isn't latching to me with all her might."

Embarrassing.

"Mum! You're not supposed to tell her that!" I admonished in mock outrage, although I was slightly embarrassed, this was Susan. She could know.

"I'm not supposed to tell her that you hug me like a lifeline every time you can?" she snickered slightly, and I decided payback was in order, so I did just that.

I walked over to her and pulled her into a hug, as tight as I could, which was actually plenty, without magic. She let out a little oof and patted me, "Jen, Jen! I'm cooking, let go, or the eggs will be ruined," I snickered and let her go, and she turned back towards the stove.

Susan was looking at us with a broad smile.

We were in my room now, and she was telling me all about her latest transfiguration class, where they had learned basic conjuration. She said she had made a teacup pop out of the air, and that she could conjure anything she wanted that was porcelain now.

Impressive.

Then she looked at me once more, closely, and for the first time noticed the marks. I was wondering when it would happen, would I tell her the cover story I made for mum, or the truth?

She certainly deserved to know, but should she? How exactly do you tell someone that you're some overpowered goddess of magic and nature? That trees talk to you and tell you things no one can know because it's been centuries and they weren't written down?

How mad would she think I was? Maybe I shouldn't tell her.

"What are these?" she took my arm and traced the mark with her finger, my breath slightly hitched, but I don't think she heard it, "is this ink, Jen?"

"Yes," my voice wavered a little, she was rather close and was still tracing her finger on my forearm, all over the mark that was, admittedly, rather sensitive. "They're the brand of Cernunnos, I had them tattooed on me two months ago."

"The antlered celtic god?" She asked, quite a hint of curiousity on her voice; "Why? Are you a follower?"

Err… "You could say that, yes. I rather liked how they looked, and then the idea of a god of hunts, forests and apparently magic, appealed to me a lot."

It was technically not a lie, it does appeal to me and I really did like how they looked.

"Oh, that's amazing! Did you know my family has followed him for centuries?" She seemed rather eager. Maybe she was really faithful?

"No, I'm only just finding out. Should I have known?"

"Not really. We kept quiet about it, but I really do have to ask you something."

That was ominous. Did she know somehow?

"Yes, Susie?"

"Do you like girls?"

Wow. That certainly wasn't what I was expecting.

"… Why do you ask?" I was rather off balance.

"Oh, please just answer." She pressed on.

"But, why?" I looked at her, really looked at her, and she seemed verbally on her toes for my answer, "is there something I should know?"

"Yes!" she answered eagerly, and then frowned and pointedly kept herself quiet, then spoke more controlled; "But you can only know if you answer me first."

Damn it.

"Well… I don't know, I've never really thought about it much."

And I hadn't, though I was certain I did like girls. I wouldn't have those dirty thoughts about her before if I didn't.

Unless it was just her, but alas.

"How come you hadn't? It's something very important!"

"Well, it hadn't come up until now… why would I think about it otherwise?"

"That's fair, I guess… but really, I need you to think about it now, and quickly please, I'm not sure I can wait any longer."

I took a minute to think on it, though I already knew my answer.

The curiousity also itched me forwards to answer faster, I really wanted to know what she had to say.

"Well… I guess I do, Susan."

Her reaction was immediate, and she brightened with a thousand watts smile, "That's amazing! So do I!"

… Was she telling me she was gay? It seems that way.

"Really?" I asked.

"Yes, really!" she chirped, and she snickered, she seemed overflowed with mirth and happiness. "There's something else I have to tell you though, and I'm gonna burst if you don't know." She leaned towards me, and scooted forwards, I really didn't know what she was doing but she stopped when our knees were touching.

"What is it, Susan?"

"I think I have a crush on you."

Please contact me about any mistakes or inconsistencies you spot, it's been a while, and it's also unbeta'd.