Death is the easiest of all thing after it and hardest of all before it.

-Abu Bakr

(XIV)

When Hide still wakes up, he still stares at the ceiling, and still counts.

There's still three cracks above him in the ceiling plaster, and still five points at which the paint is peeling, and there is still only one corner that is slightly damp, but the landlord still doesn't care enough for it to be fixed and Hide had always been too lazy to argue about it in the past and he doubts it'll change in the near future because it hasn't ever done in the past so why should he do it now? It'll be pointless anyway, because he'll just come back to this point of staring at the ceiling with a damp corner.

It's Cycle 14 already, and things still haven't changed.

Sitting up, Hide slowly reached a hand towards his mouth and chin, softly trailing down to his neck and shoulder, feeling the soft, unmutilated skin underneath his fingertips. There was no blood being licked from his face, no skin ripped from his shoulder by hungry teeth like in the Original Cycle. His head's still on his neck, which contains no broken bones from the times he's tripped down stairs, or was in a bike accident, or upset a drunk person that one time. There's no bullets in his chest, no missing arm like his time with some rouge ghouls on the edge of the ward because he got bored and wondered off, there's no blood loss like his encounter with Nishio.

Yet, it was hard to properly breath, as it felt like someone was still eating his face, still taking chunks of important skin tissues away from his body and he still could feel the raw pain overpower his senses and-

His mind buzzes with the past deaths and their Cycles, as he still mindlessly got ready for another day filled with boring college lectures on subjects that he still kinda regrets choosing. He still changes and still has a shower, still packs his bag for the day and then he still texts Kaneki, asking about his date, even though he still knows what happened, and what will happen if he doesn't change it, as he leaves the house, still making sure to leave out anything about his knowledge about Kaneki's new status of being a half-ghoul instead of being a human like his friend currently thinks.

He still doesn't know how he's going to break it to Kaneki that he knows, let alone let him about dying only to wake up again in his bed, a day after the accident, again and again and again.

But, still, he texts his best friend as much as he could get away with just like the times before for the sense of normality, making sure to give Kaneki the opportunity to pretend that he was sitting with him in what was probably a white bleak hospital room surrounded by hot nurses and evil doctors that were probably keeping the poor sod out. He still makes sure to try and get good enough notes in their shared classes, again, for his friend and visits his apartment often enough to make sure that the plants don't die in Kaneki's absence, even though this was all pointless in the end and he'll be back here soon enough, having died again.

(The bigger problem is making sure that he didn't die since there's so many ways that you could die when you realised it and why was it so much harder now than it was before?)

He still doesn't know why he's still acting like it wasn't happening, like this was all normal, or just a dream that can be pushed to the side. He still doesn't know how he's able to pretend that everything was alright, like he wasn't going to die and wake up later because of it.

He still doesn't know why people don't notice his change in behaviour.

(He does know. He knows, he knows and he still knows.)

(It's his own fault, really.)

It's sad to say that this is the longest he's ever lived since the start of it all.

It just shows that there are so many ways that you can die any day in any way, really.

"Have you been following the investigator killings?" Hide doesn't know why he's bringing this up. Unlike the first time, he knows who Eyepatch is, who Rabbit is. One is sitting next to him, and the other is probably recovering at home, or doing a shift at Anteiku, or even at school, thought he couldn't remember if she went to school or not, as most ghouls don't go in fear of getting caught.

He somehow got the impression that she could work around that anyway, she seems like that sort of person.

"O-oh yeah… It is scary…" Kaneki lets his words trail off, and he is obviously uncomfortable with the conversation. not that Hide would blame him, since he is talking about Kaneki actually fighting and harming other people, something that Hide still couldn't wrap his mind around.

Those ghouls must really mean something to him, huh.

(Where did that put him?)

So instead of delving deeper into the situation that Kaneki had found himself in, Hide rambles on about their only shared class that they were currently in and none of them really held any interest for. He still smiles brightly at his friend and he still tries to make plans after their lectures let out (except, Kaneki uses work to get out of said plans which wasn't fair because work never stopped Hide before). He still waves as they part ways, but then he's alone walking down the street to his apartment.

He's so lonely, living a life (lives) like this.

Because, months ago, he was walking with Kaneki everywhere, spending all his time with his friend to make sure he wasn't lonely. He was the one that made sure that Kaneki had notes from the classes that he missed because he is the only person who knows how much it would freak his friend out to be behind in a class. He was the one to make sure that his friend had food in his cupboards because he knew that his friend was probably too far into a book to realise that his apartment was out of food. He was the only person there.

But now…

But now he was being replaced by some ghouls who didn't understand Kaneki in the same way that he did.

But now he was lonely.

Rabbits die of loneliness. He had been the one to tell Kaneki that.

(Ha. As if death was the real problem here.)

Okay, so maybe he had been dealing with a lot of shit recently, but it doesn't really make up for stalking his best friend, does it?

Hide sighed as he sat on a bench not far from where Kaneki was sat, causally stirring his coffee and taking his medication prescribed by his crazy-ass doctor (Hide should probably build a profile of him) like the good boy that he currently was, not like the person he'll become after his birthday.

It's stupid, watching him like this, like a deranged ex-girlfriend that wants to make sure that he doesn't get with a new girl, but the thought of Kaneki doing something stupid without him there to help was slowing everything down, so at least being here was helping with his anxieties.

He wants to help Kaneki, but he doesn't know how anymore.

Looking down at the newspaper in his hands, he glanced at the article about the ghoul attacks before quickly skipping ahead to the celebrity gossip pages, looking at the words describing what was clearly the new scandal in the film industry but his mind seemed to have forgotten how to read, leaving him staring mindlessly at the picture in the middle of the article, a woman stepping out of a car and trying to keep her identity a secret even though you could clearly tell who she was anyway.

Deciding to give up on reading the paper, Hide looked up at his best friend (best friends don't do this), who was still sitting at the bench with his book in one hand and a black coffee with two weird human-parts sugar cubes in the other. But, unlike before when he was alone, he had now been joined by a tall, purple haired man.

Hide took one look at this strange man and instantly didn't like him.

The two begin to talk animatedly, Kaneki actually putting his book down and engaging in the conversation, or perhaps leading it by the looks of it. The other man nods along with what his best friend (are they best friends anymore?) and adds on to what Kaneki was saying. Though, it doesn't take too much longer before he stands back up again, though this time he's joined by Kaneki as they say goodbye. The man goes to leave, but he turns around again.

Hide catches the man's eye who then looks back down at Kaneki again before smiling and walking off towards the main street.

Hide couldn't help but follow him into the crowd.

It's not hard to follow a guy like this one.

His height and European background already set him apart from the crowd, then add on his eccentric fashion choices and the bright hair, then even if Hide did lose this ghoul, he could just ask someone for directions of where he went, as this was one of those people that caught everyone's eyes and knew it, strived for it even.

It was strange, to see a ghoul act like that and not get caught.

There's two lefts, a right, and then another left again before they leave the crowd, now on what is considered the borders between 20th Ward and the next, a place that Hide vaguely recognises as one of the now many places where he's died.

Ah.

Good times.

Hide has to take faster steps now to keep up with the man's longer strides now that there's no crowd to slow him down, and he's slightly out of breath from the exercise when the other decides to quickly turn around a corner, forcing Hide to run if he wanted to keep on the guy's trail.

Turning the corner, Hide takes a good three or four steps forward until he realises that in front of him was a dead end, and the man who he had been following was now gone.

Where had he-

"Well, well, well. So you're the person who decided to stalk dear Kaneki from afar."

Of course, he had been right behind him all along.

(The predator had become the prey.)

Turning around, Hide gave out what he considered to be his biggest, cheesiest (and fakest) grin he could manage, his eyes quickly taking in the small details he could pick up on the guy. The small dimple on his chest, the coldness in his eyes, the stiffness in his laid-back posture that could turn a relaxed hand in his pocket to a hand around his throat.

Ghouls were never people to mess with.

"Well, I'd hardly call a best friend looking out for his buddy a stalker in any means!" Hide laughs, internally wincing as his voice pierces the unnatural silence of the area and echoes around him forebodingly. The other man laughs with him, making him jump at the sound of the small chuckles.

"I suppose you are right. After all, I, too, am guilty of the same crime, if for different reasons than your own. Though, now that I'm thinking about it, I've never met a human stalker before!" He laughs again, as if his words holds a joke instead of causing shivers to rack up and down Hide's spine. "Well, I do have to say that the chase was fun while it lasted, but I happen to be a busy man, and busy men like me do get ever so hungry."

Hide's eyes widened, flickering to behind the man and around him, looking for a way out of the alley. Before he could come up with an idea, a huge force was applied to his chest via the man's foot, causing him to go flying back and back and back, until he slammed right into the wall at the other end of the alley, bones cracking under the force and blood and bile rising up from his stomach to his mouth and then quickly to the floor next to his face.

He let out a pitiful moan as he opened his eyes back up (when did he close them?), frowning slightly as he watched the man approach him, though, it seemed like his brain was lagging like a game with an overfilled server, because, at one moment, he was at the entrance of the alley, but then the next, he was looming over his broken body and then the next he was crouching down at eye level.

"Oh dear, I've already seemed to have bruised your brain. You're pretty much useless to me now." He muttered, or had he shouted out that last bit? "I was thinking of using you for the next meal, but they do hate it so when I bring along broken goods." He sighs, before looking down at his stomach.

The next thing that Hide is aware of is the blinding pain that causing him to cry out, and after that he's looking back up at the man who seems to be nibbling at a heart, before frowning and throwing it away.

Wait, doesn't he need that?

"Just as I thought. You just don't have the right… the right oomph. Shame, such a waste." Hide blinks at the words, not truly understanding what was going on, his head dizzy despite not moving, and was overcome with an overpowering feeling of tiredness.

Maybe he'd go to sleep for a bit.

And when he wakes up again, he'll have his heart back.

No he won't, Kaneki had his heart.

Hide took one last look at the sky before sighing again and closing his eyes and falling asleep.

(XVI)

When Hide still wakes up, he still stares at the ceiling, and still lies to himself.

This Cycle, the 16th Cycle, will be different.

(Just like how all the other Cycles were.)

Sitting up, Hide couldn't help but still reach a hand towards his mouth and chin, still trailing down to his neck and shoulder, still feeling the soft, unmutilated skin underneath his fingertips. There was no blood being licked from his face, no skin ripped from his shoulder by hungry teeth like in the Original Cycle. His torso contains all his organs, which contains no internal bleeding from his time with Tsukiyama, or was in a weird accident at college, or upset a high person. There's no knife in his chest, no missing leg like his time with some rouge ghouls during his time in the neighbouring ward because he got angry and stormed off.

He still gets outs of bed, going through his usual routine of checking his phone and liking all the photos that had been uploaded during the night but still gets ready for the day, maybe a bit slowly from his other Cycles, since he still doesn't have anywhere to be at this time in the morning. He tapped the top of his thigh respectively as he brushed his teeth, then going through then normal forty-minute-with-a-musical-number shower in hopes to get rid of any pent-up anger, the echoes of the deaths still firmly lodged into his mind, still screaming at him to do something about it.

But he couldn't.

There was still nothing he could do about it.

Nothing.

Zilch.

Looking up, Hide glares into the mirror, taking in every strand of wet hair that looked brighter than he remembered, every freckle that didn't seem to be there last time, his hand clenching the damp towel in his hands.

Why?

Why him?

What did he do to get this?

It still didn't look right, the boy looking back at him still didn't look like him.

Slamming the towel in the overflowing wash basin, Hide left the bathroom in a hurry, the dream still haunting his mind in a way that it shouldn't (again). Picking up the first clothes he saw, Hide threw them on and went towards the door, picking up his key and leaving his apartment.

He needed to get the dream out of his mind.

A bike ride should help with that.

(Or it might kill him, but at this point, did it really matter anymore?)

Taking two steps at a time, Hide hurried down the stairs, not looking where he's going as he made sure to stamp down on each step, hoping to take out his anger before leaving the apartment block, accidently knocking into someone in someone, pushing him towards the bannister and over, giving him the perfect view of the cream ceiling as he fell and fell and fell, until there was no more room to fall.

(XVIII)

When Hide still wakes up, he still stares at the ceiling, and still wonders.

He wonders how many times he's going to die before he sees Kaneki again. (Hopefully not many more). He wonders how many times he's going to die before he actually completes the work set by his professors. (He's going to give a couple more Cycles before he gets too bored and too angry from the situation he's now found himself in before he starts doing the mind-numbing work.) He wonders how many times he's going to die before Kaneki gets into his head that he is there to help him, and knows what he's going through, and what he will go through, even if he doesn't know what that is yet. (An infinite amount, because kaneki will never get that into his head, no matter how many times it's repeated.)

Sitting up, Hide skips his routine of feeling his neck and other places where injuries have occurred in the past in favour for just getting ready for the day, wondering how many times it's going to happen, wondering how many times Kaneki has made stupid decisions and how many times the idiot has almost killed himself because of it.

Though, thinking back, he's not sure why he seems so surprised over it.

This was the same idiot that decided to stay behind and fight the CCG's Reaper after all.

When Hide still wakes up, he's pleasantly surprised to see that it isn't his own ceiling that he sees, but rather that of Anteiku.

Yay. He wasn't killed by Nishio again.

(That's happened way too many times now and it was embarrassing.)

(He should probably come up with a way that stops that event from happening all together.)

He yawns deeply as he tried not to move a lot, the bandages already tugging at his wounds form the forming scabs and the bruising sending small but long messages of aching pain to his foggy brain. In the background, he could hear talking, more like muttering, and the small amount of sobbing that had a distinct 'Kaneki' edge to it.

Ah, yes. This was the moment that he learned that Kaneki was a half ghoul in the Original Cycle.

Letting out a small huff, he closed his eyes again, resting them while soaking up the conversation, smiling slightly at Kaneki's acceptance for the job, seeing as he lost his last one just after the accident due to his long-term absence, and let out a small sigh when the sound of talking moved away.

He couldn't help but frown and still feel hurt over the fact that Kaneki would rather come here to solve his problems than come to him, despite knowing that nothing has changed from the previous Cycles, and knowing that it won't change in the Cycles to come.

Turning over, Hide let out a small moan of pain as he nudged his back, his wounds ripping open slightly and he winced as he felt a small trail of blood come out of the now open wounds. Opening his eyes in hopes to look at something to take his mind off of the increasing pain in his back, he instead pushed his head back and took in a gasp of surprise when he saw that his vision was filled with only a face of a teenage girl with purple hair and a visible eye.

Touka.

"How much did you hear?" The words were muttered against his ear, though he felt the small gush of warm air leave her lips rather than hear her words.

He swallowed, unblinking as his eyes began to water slightly, but if it was because the pain was beginning to become unbearable or if the intimidation from the ghoul was too much for his little and abused mind, he didn't know.

He didn't know how to respond to the whispered threat.

He still failed this time, it seems.

He holds back a sob as he prepares himself for what was about to happen and he suddenly has a hand around his throat, slowly squeezing all the air and life out of his broken body, leaving him to stare blankly at where her left eye should have been, only to vaguely recognise that it was covered by hair.

This time, death isn't a fast release for the pain he is going through, but rather a slow but warming hug as it greets him again.

(XX)

When Hide still wakes up, he still stares at the ceiling, then rolls over.

He goes back to sleep.

He ignores the weight on his shoulders, ignores the anger slowly beginning to build up, ignores the urge to scratch and pull and punish, ignores the slowly increasing pains in his stomach.

He ignores the world, and sleeps.

The world will still be there when still he wakes up again is the reasoning for the lie in.

(The hope is that there isn't.)

(XXII)

When Hide still wakes up, he still stares at the ceiling, and sighs.

Hide doesn't even bother sitting up as he hand towards his mouth and chin, still trailing down to his neck and shoulder, still feeling the soft, unmutilated skin underneath his fingertips. There was no blood being licked from his face, no skin ripped from his shoulder by hungry teeth like in the Original Cycle. His torso contains bones in peak condition as well as no internal bleeding from his time he fell over the stairs, or was in a weird accident at work, or upset a really cute dog. There's no glass in his throat, no stomach pains because he fucked up so bad in the previous Cycle that he punished himself, there's still no blood loss like his several encounters Touka.

He's still here.

The itch is still there.

He's still here.

The anger is still there.

He's still here.

He gets up and gets ready for college, purposely does some things more forceful than perhaps needed, but he's careful about it, carefully walking down the stairs and making extra sure that there are no cars or stalkers as he crosses the street.

This was the 22nd Cycle.

He could make it to the end.

He better make to the end of the cycle.

He opens his phone to text Kaneki, only to stare at it mournfully and close it again. Kaneki was still in hospital, he would be waiting a month until he came out again, and then his best friend (because they were best friends at this point and not distant acquaintances) would start to distance himself from Hide after he makes friends with the ghouls at Anteiku.

Hide stopped walking, only to get pushed by an annoyed pedestrian over his decision to suddenly stop moving in the middle of the pavement.

(This has happened too many time before, and too many times has he ended up underneath a car because of it.)

If he was able to make sure that Kaneki didn't distance himself during the period where he wasn't friends with Anteiku, then surely he would be more open with Hide, and wouldn't ignore Hide in this Cycle over the idea that he might eat him or something.

Mind made up, Hide started walking again, a sense of purpose suddenly filling him, reminding that, at some point in the last couple of Cycles, he had seemingly lost it.

He had some notes he needed to take.

Standing outside Kaneki's door, Hide wondered if he should knock.

Because, for Kaneki, it would seem very normal for Hide to just walk in because that was just who Hide was. But, for Hide, it had been so long (years now, if he did the math right) that it just didn't feel like he and Kaneki had that sort of relationship anymore.

Relationship.

Ha.

Once upon a time he thought that, if their relationship would ever change, it would only grow into a blossoming tree, pink petals scattering to the wind and warmth from the sun above.

Now though…

Now though, it was a withered weed, ready for extraction, to be thrown into the compost of past memories, quickly forgotten for the new plastic grass that can easily hide the past mistakes without any high maintenance eaten up by guilt and regret.

Hide didn't want that to happen, but he also didn't want to force Kaneki into something that he clearly didn't want, so he was left floating in the unknown territory until he learned to get over himself and stop being so selfish.

He sighed, and decided that knocking on the door and then walking in will fix one of the problems that he found himself.

Two solid rap-pa-tat-tats and 20 seconds later, Hide was walking into the apartment, but he didn't get far enough to close the door before he stopped in his step, his eyes fixated on the view in front of him.

The kitchen was a mess: food covering all the counters and spilling onto the floor and covering a satchel that had been placed down half-hazardously, its contents, (a book, some pain medication and a couple of pens) scattered out from it. The bin was overflowing with either food with one bit taken out of it or the food packaging it came in, and an overwhelming stench of sour bile filling the room with the undertones of the many foods that were out on display.

Hide took no mind of any of this, his attention fully on his best friend who was laying on the floor in all of this, softly sobbing while a bent knife in front of him

Did he?

He wouldn't…

He couldn't have…

Hide tiptoed closer to Kaneki, softly kicking the knife further away from the pair before crouching down to the crying boy.

"Kaneki-"

"STAY AWAY FROM ME!" Hide jumped back at the shout, not used to hearing Kaneki use such a violent and angry tone, and struggled to take in a full breath of air as he looked directly at his best friend (his killer's) eyes, one beautiful and grey, still shiny from tears and still mourning the loss of what he once took for granted, the other monstrous and black, with a red tint of lust and hunger-

-a kiss on the lips, forceful and desperate-

Swallowing down on nothing, Hide broke eye contact, but, nevertheless, kept up his approach to his best friend, thinking of the best way to calm Kaneki down-

-The teeth started to bite, to travel, to rip-

"No! I'm not going to let you distance yourself from you best friend just because you now have a slight dietary requirement no-"

"I SAID STAY AWAY FROM ME!" Hide slammed back into a counter, a cracking sound echoing in the room as his head was smashed against the fake marble, but Hide couldn't make a sound of pain due to the tightening grip around his throat-

-a tightening grip on his throat, gagging him, holding him, crushing him-

There was growling in the background, but all Hide could focus on was the black dots of his vision, the roaring of his blood in his ears, his desperate, pathetic breaths as he gasped and choked, no argument being made as a moist tongue began to lap at the blood dripping from his ear which then begins to move across his face.

It takes far too much effort to turn his head to plant his lips on his killer's, and all his energy is lost as he takes a final, choked breathe and closes his eyes for the final time, his mind firmly stuck on the beauty that would forever remain in killer's right eye for as long as he shall live.

Grey: The eye colour that belonged to a man who meant too much to him, and who he meant much too little to.

A.N. Hey guys, here's an update a day before sunshine boy's birthday (I do love him I swear). Leave a comment if you enjoyed and have a nice morning/day/night where ever you are!