Taking pains to remove the pains of others is the true essence of generosity.

-Abu Bakr

When Hide wakes up, he quickly sits up and his hand quickly comes up to his neck, a hand snaking around his throat and carefully going over where Kaneki once bit Cycles upon Cycles ago now, and he smiles and giggles and laughs and his hand comes up to his face to try to muffle his joy but instead comes across tears that are streaking down his face, not that he couldn't bring himself to care, not anymore, not after everything he's been through.

He's alive.

He's alive and Kaneki's alive and they're both alive and he loves him.

He loves him, and loves him, and loves him.

He knows it shouldn't feel as sudden as it does, but all that he could focus on what the fact that he loves him and loves him and loves him, even if he can't have him to hold and cuddle and kiss and love in the way that he wants too. After everything he has been through, and everything he's going to go through, he should be hating him for what Kaneki unintentionally done to him, what he's suffered and gone through, living with the knowledge that these feelings will never be returned.

But he doesn't hate him for it, even if he once did in the past, he doesn't care about any of it anymore, because he loves him and loves him and loves him, and that's enough then, now, and forever.

For a split second, an idea pops into his head, and he wonders if it was all a dream, some fantastical horror nightmare, but then quickly shakes off the idea. This is clearly not the first time, the second time or even the 100th time that he's woken on the same bed (at this point, he doesn't know how many times this has happened, he's lost count, and at this point he doesn't care about the amount of times it's happened or will happen). He thinks about the fact that this couldn't be a dream, not really, because there was no way that this was able to be a dream, as the pain was too vivid, and the love was too real and it all just hurt too much to have been thought up in his head.

He doesn't care, because he loves him and loves him and loves him, and he will go through everything again if he must.

He gets out of bed and try to turn his mind to other things, the mundane things, like college or the subjects he still regrets choosing or the lessons he knows too much about or the pile of essays that were due, but he'll forever procrastinate until the last hour, or over meetings that are coming up or how he should probably avoid Nishio until he and Kaneki get their act together and are able to act like they're actually humans and not ghouls, but the thought of Kaneki just distracts him from the idea of thinking of other things and he gets his phone out and starts texting because he misses him, he misses him and he loves him so much.

He goes to the lecture again, lunch and then the second lecture afterwards, before he frowns and checks his phone, despite knowing and expecting no response from his friend.

Nevertheless, he still texts his best friend as much as he could get away with, making sure to give Kaneki the opportunity to pretend that he was sitting with him in what was probably a white bleak hospital room surrounded by hot nurses and doctors that were probably keeping the poor sod out. He makes sure to take good notes in their shared classes despite knowing them almost word for word by now for his friend and visits his apartment often enough to make sure that the plants don't die in Kaneki's absence, trying to ignore the way that he catches himself staring at the place where the drugs will soon be kept.

And if he was actively avoiding alleyways, dodging certain people in the street that he knows have a file in a file cabinet in the CCG and avoiding a particular cafe, well, he wasn't telling anything to Kaneki.

He didn't need to know about it, anyway.

(He does buy a new calendar for the next upcoming year, finds the date, circles it vigorously, then counts.)

(268 days left to go.)

(240 days left to go.)

He makes sure that Kaneki has his food on time for the revelation.

And if it's the cheapest food he could get his hands on, and made sure that none of it was truly his favourite food, well, then that was just a coincidence and not the fact that he was just making sure that Kaneki's last memory of a burger or soda be that of a good memory, not of the frantic panic of finding out that he has jumped from one species to another and the awful taste that comes with it.

He's going to face enough pain and suffering as it is, at least keep the good memories good for a longer period of time.

And, when the door handle goes down with the weight of the bag and the front door opens, it takes everything Hide has not to step into the apartment and rifle through a few things, take something that isn't his, and walk away again.

He wasn't going to do that, not again. Not when he already knew the outcome of that trip.

So, instead of stealing pills to take when everything went downhill, he closes the door and places the bag on the door handle again. Before he leaves, he gets out the receipt and writes a message to Kaneki, adding one of his really bad drawings on the bottom for good measure.

Then, he leaves, putting his headphones on really loudly and make that every step down the stairs was a good secure one, hand gripping the banister tightly and avoiding the small puddle on one of the steps like it was a mine bomb.

At this point, he's gathered that anything could kill him.

(The next time he sees Kaneki, Kaneki thanks him for the food. Hide smiles and replies, "No worries man!")

(Then, Kaneki frowns and asks if he noticed if the door was unlocked. Hide scratches his cheek and lies, "no, I didn't.")

(227 days left to go.)

He's learned his lesson, he at least thinks he has by this point, and goes by Nishio's place by himself. Surprisingly enough, the ghoul was less defensive than in any other Cycle, and Hide wonders if this is something that he should have done all along.

Ugh, how stupid of him to drag Kaneki along with him everywhere he went.

(But he doesn't want to let him go...)

(…Rabbits die of loneliness…)

(…But he gets the idea that he's going to die anyway.)

Although, maybe, it's because he knocked first, giving Kimi some time to get dressed again before he comes in and asks for the DVD.

Of course, the older ghoul was still rather gruff and sour with him, but he did cockblock him after all, so it does sound reasonable that he is slightly annoyed at Hide for his actions. And, whether if it's because Kimi's standing there and watching their interactions or the fact that there isn't another ghoul on his turf, Hide is able to get the DVD straight away with no awkward eating or painful fighting, and when he walks away he frowns because he comes to the realisation that the DVD had been there the entire time, in every Cycle, meaning that they didn't need to have torn the whole dorm apart 'looking' for it.

Hide didn't know that he could dislike the ghoul any more than he previously did, but, he did love a good surprise too.

So, that was that. Kaneki was never coming with him again to visit Nishio when he next died and had to start a new Cycle again, because it meant that he didn't have to almost die or wake up in Anteiku with the gruff teenage ghoul breathing down his neck.

That was one certain death under the under the rug, now, for the rest of them.

(187 days left to go.)

Kaneki still manages to get his job at Anteiku, and Hide wonders what events actually happened for it to be given to him in the first place, because clearly the fight with Nishio wasn't the only factor in this event. But, it doesn't really matter how he got the job at the end of the day, because Kaneki is still happily serving coffee to the customers, ghoul and human alike, and he smiles at every single one of then, and Hide couldn't get enough of that smile.

What he wouldn't do for that smile to be directed at him.

He sighs as he looks down at the cake in front of him, delicious and sweet like any other time he's been to Anteiku, and he wonders how ghouls are able to make food such as these small cakes without tasting them or even knowing what they're supposed to taste like.

He looks up again, and instead of Kaneki sorting the customers' orders, it's now Touka, who's happily serving coffee to them, ghoul and human alike, and she smiles at every single one of them, and Hide wonders how fake that smile is, how much it hurts to put it on everyday and live with it on despite not wanting to put it on.

(Why wonder when it was once part of your life?)

(Why wonder when you already know?)

She turns around and looks at him, still smiling, and even gives him a small wave before going back to the front bar and talking to Kaneki about something.

Does she still want to kill him?

(He sells his bike a week later.)

(It's far too tempting to ride it right into the front of a car these days.)

(When Kaneki asks, he scratches his cheek and lies, "I just needed the money more.")

(163 days left to go.)

When Hide wakes up, he sits up and a hand comes up to his neck and he screams, or he tries to scream but there's no air in his lungs, and there's liquid on the hand that is touching his neck and oh god is bleeding? Is he dying? Is he going to be stuck in a cycle of dying in his bed only to wake up on his bed only to die again? He couldn't do that, not after all of this, not to be stuck in something like and when he is finally able to bring his hand away from his face he blinks in surprise because, while his hand is wet, there's no blood, only sweat, and tears.

A hand reaches further up his face, feeling the tears fall from his eyes, and he hates that he's here again.

He doesn't even remember dying that time.

How did he die this time?

He slowly regains his breath, and he makes sure to take a deep breath in and slowly releases it as he gets off his bed, tripping over some dirty laundry and a odd bit of paper as he makes his way to the bathroom, eyes flickering from his phone, alight with a new message from Kaneki, asking him where he is, and as he turns on the light to the bathroom and looks at the mirror to see his bloodless face, the tension leaves his body, which feels him with so much relief that he's got his wax wings flying him up and up and up-

Until the daunting realisation that he must have died again hit him, and the wax on his wings melts and the feathers come apart and he falls, and falls and falls.

He hates lifting himself after something like this happens.

He wonders how he died last time.

He goes to leave the bathroom but the sight of his bedroom makes him stop in his step and sigh at the mess that has built up in a past that he now barely remembers and, in the split second of anger and frustration he turns around and smashes his fist into bathroom, taking a slight satisfaction in the sound of glass fragment into a million pieces and his hand stings from the embedded crystals, but unlike before, there is no relief coming from the pain that pulses from his knuckles right up to his elbow.

He sighs again, and pulls out the small first aid kit that hides behind what used to be the mirror and tenses his jaw as he carefully takes out the glass, throwing the bloody pieces on top of the pile in in the sink, and tried to pretend he wasn't fascinated in the way that the blood drips onto of the once clear crystals below. Finally, he's able to clean the wound and bandage it up, and he's glad that Kaneki is in hospital otherwise the questioning would be horrible and Hide always hated lying to his best friend, even when his best friend wasn't clear with him.

He walks back into his room, moving a pile of finished coursework into a corner with his foot as he lands on his bed, the curtains half open, letting a bit of sunlight hit his phone in the angle so that it goes in his eyes and annoy him until he goes over to the device and turn it on, the text from Kaneki asking he was at the top, highlighted as a priority.

A text from Kaneki?

But he was in hospital…

Unless…

Quickly unlocking his phone, he brought his menu bar down, and laughed when he saw the date, and he started to cry again, gripping onto the phone tightly and his wings were back, and he had never been higher.

He forgets to text Kaneki until the sun is low in the horizon and he gets a frantic phone call from an anxious Kaneki, asking where he is.

(So, he does care, in his own way….)

(The next time he sees Kaneki, Kaneki gives him the notes for the lessons he missed. Hide smiles thanks him.)

(Then, Kaneki frowns and asks what had happened for him to not come into college. Hide scratches his cheek and lies, "just came down with something I guess!")

(119 days left to go.)

The day that Kaneki disappears from his life comes far too soon, and feels as sudden as it was the first time, but this time, he knows what's going on, knows what is happening to Kaneki, knows that Kaneki will never be the same person after this, that the next time he sees his best friend he will be a flesh eating monster and he will invite him in anyway because he's Kaneki Ken and he's his best friend and the person that he loves.

So, instead of dressing up as a homeless ghoul using the clothes stolen off a dead ghoul and following Jason around the 11th Ward, he dresses up as a homeless ghoul using the clothes stolen off a dead ghoul and gets to know the sewer system underneath 20th ward, starts to memorise the twists and turns and tries to learn as much of the layout as he can before the Day comes. Of course, he gives the tip to the CCG about the ghoul's in 11th Ward, and he watches from afar in the stolen clothes the fight and he wonders if it's all worth it.

He doesn't wonder for long.

He knew the answer from the start anyway.

(He can count down the days now, he knows how many days he has left, he has the day circled several times like they do in the movies, and he can't wait.)

(It's been going on for far too long, anyway.)

(61 days left to go.)

"Okay, so we need to put a poster around here somewhere…" Hide smiles (somehow) and the guy following him around with the box of posters smiles back nervously, and it painfully reminds hide of Kaneki, and he's forgotten how much he hates the waiting, forgotten how long it took to get there, but this time, he's prepared, he knows the sewers, knows the roads and backstreets and importantly, he knows Kaneki.

He is his best friend after all. It's part of the job description.

"What about here?" Hide asks, pointing to the missing poster of Kaneki, but he doesn't give the other enough time to object as he walks straight over the poster and starts to take it down.

Some friend, right.

(At least he put them up in the first place. He's forgotten sometimes, and intentionally didn't do it other times, and that just makes it even worse.)

"Dude, what are you doing? You can't take down a missing poster for Christ's sakes!" Hide sighs loudly as he turns back towards the other, taking in his soft face, his brown hair and bright blue eyes. He wasn't like Kaneki in any way, shape, or form, and he liked to follow him around like a lost puppy because he transferred halfway through the year and decided that following Hide was better than acknowledging the fact that he didn't in fact have any friends.

Hide was too lonely himself to send him away, not that he would, could, admit the fact that he was lonely to anyone.

Except for Kaneki, of course.

"We need a good spot for the posters, and this is the best one in the area, so if we put it here, the everyone will see it and then they will come to the festival!" Hide exclaims, but as the boy goes to open his mouth to argue with him (he has too much balls to replace Kaneki and yet too little) he catches a glimpse of purple and turns to see Touka staring directly at him, seemingly in shock. He mutters something to the kid (he could never be Kaneki), passes him the poster (he misses Kaneki so much) and walks away toward the teenage ghoul, and asks if she's okay, if she wants a coffee, or a chat.

She says yes to all three.

"Kaneki is still missing, isn't he?" Hide frowns at her words when he comes back with two black coffees and sets one in front of her.

She'd know more than he would.

"Yes, he is." The words are bunt and hurtful, but who it hurt more confuses Hide, as both of them hold a blank face and a silence that only Kaneki could break.

"What do you think he's up to?" She asks looking down at her coffee, before bringing it up and taking a sip. Hide does the same, now able to hide his flinch at the sour and bitter taste as well as what it leaves behind in his mouth. When people ask why he drinks black coffee, he smiles and says it's cheaper that way, because energy drinks were so expensive these days, and says the same thing to Touka when she asked about it before talking about Kaneki. But, he knows that isn't the reason.

(This is the only human thing that his best friend and the love of his life can drink for the rest of his life, and if his best friend is suffering, then he is too.)

(What an unhealthy mindset to live in…)

"Who knows at this point. Maybe he's lost in a mind of his own because of everything he reads, lost in the darkness and he can't get out." Hide mutters and then laughs bitterly, taking another mouthful of the coffee and letting the taste settle in before swallowing the hot liquid. He's made Touka uncomfortable, he can feel it, but he doesn't care.

He doesn't give a fuck about her. It's not like she's going to kill him, not at this point, not this far.

"I bet he's reading a book right this second!" she says as she stands tall and proud, letting her fair frame her face in the prettiest of ways and suddenly, suddenly, Hide understands everything.

He understands why Kaneki is falling in love with her.

So, he gulps down his coffee and smiles at the girl, who doesn't know what she's got herself into, not really, not yet, and stands and goes to leave, ready to leave her behind in a part of the ward that he knows more about than her, but he stops in his tracks, and the words leave his mouth before he can stop them.

"Don't lie to me next time, will ya?"

And then he leaves her behind with a bitter taste in both of their mouths, and not just from the coffee, and he frowns and wonders when the next time he will see her will be.

(Probably when they're both dead and lusting over a guy who hurts them too much.)

(That night, he begins to time himself as he races from one end of the sewer to the other, ghoul clothing now not necessary since the smell of sewers has integrated into his skin and he doubts that any number of showers could wash it off.)

(There's no Kaneki to interrogate him over the smell.)

(Two months. Then it was showtime.)

(He gets back home and looks at the unbroken mirror. He smiles, scratches his cheek and lies, "I've got this.")

(30 days left to go.)

He doesn't get in an argument with Amon about his will this time, and now that he's sitting at his desk that was once used for schoolwork, staring down at the blank piece of paper, he wonders what he should say.

There's nothing left to say anymore.

He sits back in his chair, frowns, before leading forwards and writes. He then folds the piece of paper up and puts it in the envelope.

(0 days left to go.)

Time blurs, and he blinks, and time flies, and he can't remember what happened yesterday nor the day before, and it's time.

Finally, it's time.

The fight between Amon and Kaneki is just as bit scary to watch this time as it was the last couple of times he's watched it.

This is the third time he's seen this fight, the third time he's made it this far, the third time he's going to attempt to save his best friend from the Reaper, from hunger, from himself.

And, well, they always say that the third time's the charm.

(Who were they to think that?)

Frowning at the screen, he leans forward and watches as they fight to what they think will be the death, and is glad that he remembers the outcome of this fight this time around, because he didn't know if he could stand rooted in fear as two people he liked (with obvious biases of course) tried to kill the other. Kaneki will make it to the sewers (which he knows like the back of his hand now, since he goes down there so often that a dead ghouls clothing wasn't needed) and while Amon will lose a limb, but he'll be fine enough, he'll live.

Maybe.

It's scary, however, to think that it's been years since he was here, and yet, he remembers like it was only five minutes ago.

Time just flies, doesn't it?

So, he can only watch as back up comes for Amon, and Kaneki activates his kakuja, and sighs as Marude carries on giving orders to his men, and continues to countdown the seconds to when he leaves to make sure Kaneki lives, because he's prepared this time, prepared with secrets that he'll keep to the upcoming grave and with bitterness that has come and gone over the last Cycles and a love that he isn't sure about it's outcome.

Then, like before, Amon loses his arm and Kaneki gains a hole in his side, and he tightens his jaw with frustration and his body fills with adrenaline and he leaves Marude's side and runs out of the truck and ignores his superior's shouting as he runs into the rain and dodges people guarding the barricades and goes down an alley, a different one this time, one that he set up to have an easy opening to the underground sewer system and despite the darkness now surrounding him on all sides he sets off in a sprint as he jumps over dumped bodies mysterious lumps in the thin layer of water, the smell nothing new to his nose as he runs and runs and runs, all the while he wonders where Kaneki could be.

He doesn't know.

He knew the sewers by heart now, he should know what Kaneki would be, but he doesn't, so he runs and he runs and he runs until he stops and huffs and takes a breath, leaving him to the dark silence where the rush of his blood and the stutter of his breath were the only things that could be heard.

He was all alone down here.

No one would find him, even if he were to die.

That line of thought was new and brings no peace to his heart, and yet, he relaxes all the same, so when the screams and shouts happen he jumps and almost screams himself, but catches himself because he recognises this voice and he knows this voice because it's Kaneki.

"My body is mine, get oUT OF MY BODY!

He's missed him so much.

"GIVE IT TO ME! MY MEAT! IT'S MINE!"

Hide stumbles along the corridor towards the voice, his legs wanting to give way to him, and then he turns a corner and he sees him, lying on the ground, screaming in pain and sadness, and all he could think of was how everything has changed for Kaneki.

He wonders how things have changed for him, how they've changed him.

(Does he want to know?)

He gets closer to Kaneki, closer to the danger, closer the end, and he smiles. He smiles because Kaneki turns around when he starts to talk (what is he talking about, he can't hear his words, he can't hear anything but the blood in his ears), he smiles when the screaming stops, and he smiles as he reaches an arm forward to touch Kaneki's shoulder.

"I knew all along, man!"

He's still smiling, even though his heart is broken.

"I want to help you, but I can only do it if you work with me, if you promise to fight just one more time, with everything you have." There's a shake of his head, and tears spring up in Hide's eyes. He frowns angrily while the tears begin to drop and he brings his hand on his neck and digs his nails into his skin hard enough to draw blood, which he knows catches Kaneki's attention.

Good.

"Please Kaneki! It's the only way…" There's a nod, and the mask crumbles away to show Kaneki's bloody face with his ghoul eye on full show, no eyepatch to hide it now, leaving Hide only to smile and sigh.

And, even through it all, all the deaths and all the pain and grief that Hide's been through to get to this point, he can't help but look at that face, that beautiful face that he hasn't seen in months, and fall in love just that little bit more.

He loves him.

Hide leans forward, and press his lips on Kaneki's, makes it as forceful and desperate as the first time, and is still smiling as the world erupts into a fire of pain.

And then everything is dark.

He could have never been happier.

He loves him, with all his heart.

(5 days after.)

The dead have finally been named, collected, and bagged, or pieces of them have been at least for some cases.

The list of the dead is long and tragic.

The list of the missing is short and mysterious, with only one name written under the title.

Nagachika Hideyoshi.

(11 days after.)

When Hide wakes up, he's tired and exhausted, dizzy, and confused. He's in pain, and he doesn't know why.

He hears someone calling his name.

He closes his eyes and goes back to sleep.

(25 days after.)

The last Will and Testimony of Nagachika Hideyoshi, known to his friends as Hide.

I give all my worldly possessions to Kirishima Touka, the girl who served me and my best friend coffee the day before everything changed for the worse to the day that life fell apart, to do as she wishes. I also impart a small piece of advice to her.

Do not give up on him. Wait, and he will come.

Signed: Hide

(It was read despite his missing status.)

(It didn't have the information that they were looking for, so they did as it said anyway.)

(42 days after.)

When Hide wakes up, he is confused. The ceiling has no cracks nor any mold, and he wonders if the landlord has listened to him this time, but then again, his vision seems to be blurry for some reason, so he doubted it.

He wakes up in the same place every time, it wouldn't have changed.

He tries to let out a sigh, he died again, he has to do it all again, and he goes to sit up but he feels too hot despite the fact that there's something cool on his head, and his throat its dry but as he tries to swallow he only ends up coughing painfully, and then there's shouting and god does that hurt your head and he wants it all too stop so he closes his eyes and flinches at every touch and lets himself be drifted off into the darkness again.

(71 days after.)

When Hide wakes up, he wakes up properly, no blurred vision, no fever making his body too warm, no headache that threatened to kill him again.

He sits up slowly, and frowns when he realises that he wasn't in his room in his apartment. He catches his breath in his lungs, and places a hand around his aching throat, fingers shaking when they come into contact with thick bloody bandages.

He lets out a silent scream.

(He later finds out that he can't speak anymore, not with the way that his throat is.)

(Marude is there to suffer the panic attack, and he's so grateful that no questions are asked, because he doesn't have the energy to put into words everything that he is feeling.)

(1392 days after.)

It's been years since he first woke up on the other side of the attack on 20th ward.

(Not as many years as he had been stuck in those Cycles.)

It's been years, and so much has changed. Kaneki has grown up, kinda. He was still that book loving kid that he met back in elementary, back when none of the wars they fought in now mattered and back when they were young and innocent and having this sort of love was okay. But, now, he was confident, openingly emotional to everyone around him, and was in charge because of a mountain of lies that laid on top of the mountain of the dead that was only getting taller and taller.

Everything has changed now. The CCG was in tatters, those believed to be immortal were now dead and those believed to be dead were now ghouls. Kaneki had a career, and then chucked it down the drain for the ghouls that he loved, and was now causing a lot of mass destruction while he left his pregnant wife to look for him.

Pregnant wife, huh?

Hide doesn't think he's changed mentally in the past couple of years, he still follows Kaneki like a blind rabbit, after all.

A blind, and surprisingly not dead, rabbit.

The sound of the rain hitting the umbrella was soothing, but it still wasn't able to get the thought of Kaneki in trouble, Kaneki in pain, Kaneki screaming out for him while Jason kills him, out of his head, and he could feel Akira's and Amon's concern on the back of his neck. He tells them about the short window of time they now have, and now they only had one shot at this, he only had one shot at this, because he's wasted the last couple of years in misery over the fact that he was not dead (not that he would admit it) instead of preparing for what was to come.

(It's probably the reason why he was advised against seeing Kaneki again, because while he doesn't talk about what has happened in his past, they still have seen him have flashbacks and panic attacks.)

(The real reason why it took so long to see Kaneki after all this time was because he wasn't ready for the reminder of the person who stole his heart without trying.)

The people behind him know nothing of what has happened to Hide to get this far. They know the origins of his facial scars, yes, but the root of the problem is that they think that is also the reason behind his mental scars, and thus, they must know everything about him, and must think him strange to trust the person who almost killed him.

How stupidly ignorant these people were.

"Why are you willing to go this far for Kaneki Ken?" Amon asks, and the tone of his voice is judgemental, but Hide can't find it in himself to be hurt by the words.

Instead, he turns around and gives them what is supposed to be a smile, but since he can no longer do that, he gives a pointed look instead.

"Because I love him."