Chapter 10 – Healing

Xi. Her name started with Xi. Lea and Roxas had been having strange headaches lately that corresponded with the returning memories. They were both bedridden, and Riku and Naminé were faring only slightly better. To her infinite credit, Naminé continued tirelessly on, refusing to let anything stop her from completing her task.

Sora alone was unaffected, which was odd, because he could picture the girl in his head and knew the first part of her name now, too.

"Hey, Roxas?" he asked his friend.

"Unnggh, what is it?" Roxas moaned. "My head's killing me."

"I almost forgot, this is for you." Sora fished the blue crystal orb Riku had given him out of his pocket and tossed it to Roxas – his welcome back present. Roxas winced but managed to catch it, his eyes going wide as he realized what it was.

"Where'd you get this?"

"Riku gave it to me."

Roxas cracked a grin, then winced again. "Oh yeah. I remember when he stole it from me."

"Sorry about that," Riku muttered. He was on guard duty in the corner, as he was less affected than Lea and Roxas and his student was otherwise occupied.

Roxas struggled to sit up, and Sora helped him. His eyes went to the bandage Riku still wore around his wrist.

"Your hand didn't heal right."

Riku looked down at his wrist. He coughed, and Sora's heart sank as he put two and two together.

"Oh, that," Riku said. "Listen, Roxas, it isn't a big deal—"

"Yes it is. Doesn't it affect how you fight?"

Riku shrugged. "I've gotten used to it."

"I know how it got injured," Sora said. "Riku, before I got Roxas's memories, I had no idea—"

Riku shot Roxas a glare. "That was intentional. I didn't want you to find out."

Roxas looked from Sora to Riku, who was wearing a very disgruntled expression.

"Riku," Roxas said, "can you come here a second?"

Riku kept his eyes on Sora but did as Roxas requested. He and Sora were having an entire conversation like Roxas wasn't even there.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Sora asked, not even bothering to hide the hurt in his voice.

"You were moping enough as it was. You didn't need to find out about this too."

"Fine, but why didn't you ever heal it then? Or if you couldn't do it yourself, you could have asked Kairi or Aqua to do it for you. You know they would have."

Sora didn't understand. Why would Riku purposely keep an injury that affected the way he fought?

He stared Riku down until Riku finally sighed and relented. "I wanted to keep the reminder, okay? I wouldn't change what I did, but I went too far to save you. I can't do something like that again."

Sora didn't know what to say to that. He didn't blame Riku for what he'd done, but knowing the price, he wasn't sure he would've paid it, had he been in Riku's shoes.

"I broke it, so I should fix it," Roxas said, reminding him he was still there. He looked to Riku for permission, then touched his wrist, his Cure spell working its way up the improperly healed bone. Riku hissed as the magic corrected the injury, but otherwise stayed still. When Roxas was finished, Riku rubbed the wrist and tested it out. He summoned his Keyblade and swung it around.

"Huh. Would you look at that. Good as new." He smiled at Roxas, and Sora wondered if it was for the first time. From what Sora could gather, he and Roxas hadn't exactly been on good terms before.

Sora turned to Roxas. Thank you, he mouthed, and Roxas smiled.

It was good to see old injuries be healed and former enemies come together. Speaking of injuries, though, he still had something to ask Kairi. He had to know, even though he'd carefully avoided her for the last few days.

It hadn't actually been that difficult to do. They'd both been so busy lately that they hadn't had any time to themselves. He doubted she even noticed the distance he was trying to put between the two of them.

She did. When he found her in the courtyard and asked her to go on a walk, her response was curt and crisp.

"Oh, you decided to talk to me today?"

"Kairi—" He reached towards her, but she flinched away. That hurt worse than if she'd outright slapped him.

"I thought you were still upset about me forgetting you, even though none of that was my fault," she snapped. "Don't give me that look, Naminé showed me everything. I know she was the one who made me forget you."

Sora felt the color drain from his face. "You're not… angry at her, are you?"

Kairi shook her head. "She was forced to do it. And she put you back together again. How could I be angry with her, after everything she's done for us?"

Well, at least they could agree on that. "Good, because I don't blame her either," Sora said. "And Kairi… I'm sorry. I'm sorry for bringing it up again. I know it wasn't your fault that you forgot me." He reached out to her again, but she backed away and looked at him in a way she never had before.

"Sora, I don't understand. What did I do? Why have you been treating me like this? One minute you're as warm and caring as ever, and the next, you're cold and aloof. I don't know what to think anymore!"

At the sight of her face all scrunched up, Sora felt his resolve crumbling, piece by piece. Especially because her lower lip was trembling and her fists were balled at her sides, too.

He'd never wanted to make her cry.

"You haven't done anything wrong," he mumbled, his eyes fixed on his shoes.

"Has something changed, then? If your feelings for me have changed, just tell me!" she pleaded, grabbing onto his arms. "I'd rather know the truth than—"

Something inside of him snapped, some combination of her words and how close they were, perhaps. He put his hands on her shoulders and looked straight into her eyes.

"The truth? Do you really think, after everything we've been through together, that my feelings for you have changed?"

Heck no. If anything, they'd only grown deeper. It overwhelmed him sometimes, how intense they were, how even the thought of losing her was enough to make him come completely undone.

After he'd transformed into Anti-Form again, he wondered if his feelings for her bordered on obsession. He was scared of himself and what he might do if he were pushed to the brink again, but most of all he was scared of hurting her.

Too late for that, idiot, he thought glumly.

"So you still…" She swallowed. "You still…"

"Yes." He couldn't hide the truth from her, and he wanted to hear it from her, too. "What about you?" he asked. "Do you still…"

Ugly thoughts of her easygoing friendship with Lea and even Riku flared up again, and he shoved them down, only for them to pop back up with greater force.

"Well…" she said, clasping her hands behind her back, and Sora's heart froze.

"There's someone else, isn't there?" he asked, all too quickly.

Kairi looked at him as if he was crazy. "Sora, what? Who would I even—"

He crossed his arms. "I don't know, you tell me." The ugly green monster inside of him was on a rampage, unable to be contained anymore.

Maybe he should let it loose.

No, what was he thinking? He couldn't do that. He didn't want to do that. That would only make things a million times worse.

"I can't believe you," Kairi said, her eyes narrowed and her nostrils flaring. "Do you actually think that I—" She stopped and took a deep breath, lowering her hands to her sides and unclenching her fists.

"No, I don't." Sora said. "I just—"

Comprehension flickered in her eyes, and Sora's face burned.

"You're jealous," she said. "You're actually jealous." She laughed, but there was no joy in the sound. "Of who, Riku?" She made a face, like she couldn't believe what she was about to say. "Lea?"

He couldn't bring himself to look her in the eye after that.

"Sora, trust me. You have no reason to be jealous, not now, not ever."

"I know," he said, hanging his head. "But jealousy isn't very reasonable."

She took a step towards him. "Sora, my feelings haven't changed, either. What I was going to say is, I want to make this work." At this he breathed a sigh of relief, only for her to continue. "But I'm worried about you. What's wrong?"

He took a step back, his arms falling to his sides. The relief he felt quickly gave way to defeat. "I can't… I can't tell you."

Until he was sure he wouldn't have to go through with his plan, he couldn't say anything. But it was difficult to continue keeping this from her.

How can she look at me like that? Even now, she's trying to reach me, and I'm just pushing her away.

She sighed and kicked a clump of grass at her feet. "This again, huh? Is this about your darkness? Is this because you're afraid of transforming into your Heartless form again and hurting me?"

"Yes." He couldn't look her in the eye again, because it was the truth, but not the whole truth.

"Promise me you'll talk to Riku about it, if you won't talk to me," she said.

Because she thinks I'd rather talk to Riku than her. That stung.

"Kairi, why do you keep trying to drag Riku into this?"

She tugged at a strand of her hair. "Well… he's your best friend. You're open with him in ways you aren't with me." She held up a hand before he could interrupt her. "I'm not blaming you, it's just the way it is."

"You do realize a lot of that is because of my feelings for you, right? It's hard to talk to someone when you're stuttering and blushing every time you try," he muttered.

"But we've moved past that," Kairi said. "That was true when all of this started, but…"

"What, you don't still get weak in the knees every time you see me?"

Because Sora sure did. His words were an attempt at lightening the mood, but really, they were more a projection of his own feelings than anything. Every time she walked in the room, she was the only person he could focus on. Sometimes that was dangerous, like that time the Heartless had jumped him, but he wouldn't trade how he felt when he saw her for anything. The butterflies in his stomach, the warmth in his chest, the lightheadedness, the way his heart sped up when she looked his way… all worth it.

She cupped his cheek, and he leaned into her touch. His body was acting on its own, refusing to come into line with what he'd set his mind to do.

She noticed, of course, and gave him a rueful smile. "You're really bad at hiding your feelings. You know that, right?"

"Yeah." Thankfully, he didn't have to hide them from her; just what he might have to do.

"Give me your jacket," she said all of a sudden.

"What?"

"I said, give me your jacket. I'm cold."

"Oh, okay." He shrugged it off and handed it to her, deciding it was best not to point out that it was still warm outside. She put it on, and he had to admit, it was nice seeing her wear his clothes. And he didn't miss the way her eyes lingered on him either, now that his jacket was no longer there to hide the fact that his shirt kinda showed off his muscles.

Well, more than just kinda. Their eyes met, and she cleared her throat. "So, how about that walk?"

They strolled through the woods around the mansion, talking about everything but what was truly bothering him. All the same, he was relieved that she hadn't dumped him, even though he would've deserved it if she had. What he was keeping from her was coming between them and festering, poisoning their relationship and driving them apart. And yet here she kept on trying to reach him, refusing to give up on him until she had.

Sora sighed. He didn't deserve her.

He waited as she climbed a nearby tree, then followed after her once she was settled into its branches.

When was the last time we got to do that? Back home, they'd climbed paopu and palm trees all the time and swung around from their branches. Sora had had entire conversations with Kairi upside down before, which had earned him the nickname Monkey from Riku there for a while. He missed those carefree days, when their biggest worry was their parents calling them home early for dinner.

He made it to the same branch and settled in beside her. The question that had prompted this entire conversation still hadn't been asked, and he wanted to know the answer.

"Kairi, you never told me. When I took Naminé out of your heart, why didn't you do what you did for me? You could have spared yourself all that pain, but you didn't."

She fumbled with the necklace around her neck, carefully avoiding his gaze. "Do you really want to know?" she asked. He put a hand under her chin and lifted it so that their eyes met.

"Yes."

She swallowed. "Don't judge me, okay? I just… I wanted to know what it felt like. When you saved me, I mean."

She flinched as she waited for his reaction.

"Kairi…" Was that really why? Screw the isolation plan, which was rapidly falling to pieces anyway, he couldn't take this anymore. He gathered her in his arms, and she hugged him back. Geez, he'd missed this. He'd missed her.

"You know I'd do it again, right?" he whispered. "You mean everything to me." His heart pounded against her cheek, sure and steady as the day she'd restored him to the human race. He ignored the voice screaming in the back of his head, telling him this was not the way to protect her feelings. He had no business continuing along this path. He shouldn't start something he couldn't finish. But he didn't care. He couldn't push her away anymore.

"Sora…" She looked up into his eyes, and he knew what she wanted him to do.

And oh, did he want to. It would be the perfect way to bring them closer. But the voice in his head was raging now, berating him for putting his feelings above hers. Everything he did now would just make the pain worse later. Until he was sure his plan was unnecessary, he couldn't act on his feelings.

He rested his chin on her head, partly as an affectionate gesture, but partly so that she couldn't see the turmoil that was probably being broadcast loud and clear from his eyes. She, in turn, rested her head against his chest again, pulling his jacket tight around her and sighing. He brushed his fingers through her hair and sighed, too, but for a very different reason. It was taking every ounce of self-control he had not to act on his feelings. Since when did longing feel so much like frustration?

She tilted her head and kissed the area above his heart. It was the exact place where the Keyblade of Heart had gone through. When she looked up into his eyes, he almost fell out of the tree. His shirt still protected the spot, thankfully, because the thought of her lips on his bare skin was too much to handle. His heart was racing enough as it was, and he wondered if she could feel it pounding beneath her fingertips. His mind could protest all it wanted, but his heart and body refused to lie to her.

He was lucky she hadn't tried much of anything yet. Almost as if she could sense something was holding him back, and out of respect for his wishes, had chosen to hold herself back, too. And it was a good thing she had. If not, he wouldn't be able to restrain himself any longer.

"Thank you," she whispered, and Sora knew he was screwed. He could either stay close and spare her feelings now, or distance himself and spare them later. Either way, she was going to get hurt. Unless by some miracle he didn't have to—

Naminé, you better hurry. I can't… I can't bear this much longer.

"Xion. Her name is Xion," Roxas whispered. The pained, haunted look in his eyes was reflected in Lea's. "How could we have ever forgotten her?"

They knew the answer, but that wasn't what Roxas was asking, and they both knew it. It wasn't a question about the mind, but about the heart. How could one so dear to them be forgotten as if she'd never existed? They had committed a cruel betrayal, a crime they had forgotten as soon as it had occurred. Neither of them would blame her if she never forgave them.

The headaches had finally stopped. The memories were all back, but they brought with them a new pain, a wound that couldn't be healed until Xion was restored to them. And even then, the loss and separation would linger on in memory. The scars from that loss would be with them forever, silent memorials to her suffering. It was the least they could do, after they'd forgotten about her.

Sora couldn't save her soon enough.

A/N: Sora's memory of climbing trees with Kairi was inspired by a really cute piece of art from the Motion Reference Materials in one of the Kingdom Hearts Ultimanias.

As always, thank you for reading!