A/N - Oh my dear readers... It's here! Finally. I want to first and off the bat apologize for this three day delay. Last week I came down with a terrible cold/illness and had to tend to that before I could do any writing. I was sick for seven days on bedrest and I had so much medicine in me, writing was impossible and only gave me a headache. SO... I was thankful I got to write a huge chunk of it before I got sick and wrote the rest once I got better these past few days. So go a little easy on meh ;) Also, this was the very first time I wrote while having... Writers Block! :| Yay. I wrote a few good pages, than erased them, than wrote them again, than erased them... But, it's here now and that's what matters. In this Chapter, I love how I was able to get into Katniss' "Fearscape" (as I call it). I would have thought that Katniss would and will always constantly struggle with keeping her child protected not just from the games, but from the world that is Panem. Also, I'm realizing I enjoy writing Darius.. Who doesn't!?
Some HUGE Thank You's to "Guest"(#1), WeInHere, Swifty22, autumn-robin, BellaBear9898, AbbyDaNinja, "guest"(#2), Firework7 and RusticWolfxx for Reviewing Chapter 31! God I love you guys SO much. It's really hard to just pin point one of you guys but I would like to give my deepest thank you's to the ones that keep telling me how good I am as a writer. Trust me, I have my doubts often :(! guest(#2) - Your are very, very welcome! RusticWolfxx - I am so happy to hear I have gained you as a reader and don't worry, my first installment sucks compared to this one :) so feel free to skip it. Sometime's I feel that I lack imagination, so that's wonderful to hear! If I didn't call you out personally don't feel bad.. I read EVERY single review and love and cherish them!
Okay, whew.. I feel loved. Anywho, this Chapter, like I sorta said, didn't go how I planned it. Not exactly like the Chapter Preview but I actually have bigger plans for the next. All I can say it two things: 1) Story Changer and 2) GALE. That's all. Also, I will be posting a long post about a possible third installment on Facebook soon with some HUGE news! If you don't have a Facebook or haven't "Liked" it, You can still veiw it otherwise by putting it in the search bar and clicking on the page. It's not private. Anyway, Chapter 33 will be up either FRIDAY the 25th OR SATURDAY the 26th if not sooner. Oh, and who else pre-ordered their Catching Fire tickets? I did of course ;)! Anywhos, much LOVE to each and everyone of you and please feel free to drop a Review, they brighten my day! XOXO - Macayla
I unofficially call this Chapter: "Fear"
Sleep.
I could use the complete definition to the word.
Through the darkness of my eyelids I hear the soft whimpering in the room and the bed gently moving from Gale. It's nearly morning and it's only been four hours or so since little Linden has made his 'big' arrival but Gale and I have already got this down to a T. I open my eyes and watch as he picks up our crying son from the little, smaller crib that Hazel brought over. I know what his crying means, he's hungry and I'm the source.
"I'm sorry." Gale says as he comes over to my side of the bed. We argued(discussed) on rather the crib should be on my side or his side, but his argument won out and Linden sleeps on Gale's side for now.
"You don't need to be sorry." I say with my raspy voice, receiving my crying son in my arms. He doesn't though, but he's been saying it all night.
"I know, but you had just fallen back asleep from last time." He counters back.
I lift my shirt over my chest some while Gale helps holds Lindens head for support, the baby latches on effortlessly, already a little pro. I was nervous about this and have to admit I had never thought of the experience of breastfeeding while I was pregnant. It's not an option though here in Twelve. Food is scarce and the only supply of any milk that you can find is the few people who own Goats. Most people here try not to think of the day when their child becomes to big to be breastfed, I'm already worrying about that.
Let it go.
For now though, I look down and watch as our son gulps down his milk from me, his hand resting on the side of his little head. I look at Gale who has the most amazed face I have ever seen, even though he's been watching this for the umpteenth time already. Hazel comes up the stairs quickly, asking if we need help but we shoot the offer down. She decided to stay the night, sleeping on the couch incase we need her. We did need her when I first fed him and his first diaper change. I told her afterwards that we had it from here, to get some rest but she wanted to stay. I didn't argue. I did send Prim home however. She ended up with the rest of the kids next door.
My attention is pulled back to my feeding son when I hear him whimper quietly. His gaze is heavy on my wedding ring on my finger, the hand that's still lifting my shirt so it doesn't fall in his face.
"He's got key instincts." Gale says, smiling wide. And he's right.
Without either one of us saying anything more, we know that our little boy already shows signs of our characteristics. His keen vision on a curtain object or person already shows signs of hunting skills. I couldn't be more proud as a parent… words I never thought I'd say. But I also noticed he's stubborn… like myself. I noticed that when he kept crying until he was held.
I can't say I'm proud of that.
XX
Crying.
I open my eyes and look to the window to see the beginning of morning starting, a small amount of grey light peeking out from the corners of the window. I hear Linden crying from his crib and I look over to see Gale dead to the world in sleep. I can't help but smile, I know he's exhausted not only from work, but getting up every several minutes to hand me Linden. I'm sure I slept more than him, especially when I would wake up and see him pacing the room with Linden tight in his arms, trying not to wake me.
I quietly and gently remove the covers from me, sitting up and swinging my legs out of bed. I'm not in pain, but sore would be a better word. I walk over to the crib, laugh that Gale's still asleep and scoop up my son in my arms. Amazed at how tiny he is compared to how large my belly was. Hazel says it's because he's premature that he's so tiny, but I don't care… he's perfect. I never thought I would be so comfortable holding a baby… but somehow I am.
"Shhh. Don't cry, I'm here now." I mummer into his ear as I walk back over to the side of the bed.
Gale wakes up, muttering his apologies but I ignore him and smile.
I hold my son tight as I sit back on the bed, hand on his bum and one on his neck and head for support against my chest. I bring my knees up, laying him against the front of my legs gently. I'm thankful that my bump is gone! He stops crying and opens his mouth for a yawn.
"Good morning, Linden." I say softly. He perks up at my voice. He hasn't smiled though and I'm pretty curtain he can't yet.
"Morning already?" Gale says through his own yawn, leaning over and laying his head on my arm while his finger traces down one of Lindens little, delicate arms.
"Yes, around six probably." I answer, smiling as our son looks between Gale and myself, making a gurgling sound.
"You know, you look hot with a baby." Gale says, craning his neck up and flashing me one of 'those' smiles. I roll my eyes but smile back.
Knock, Knock.
From the temporary haze Gale and I were in we hear a soft but steady knock at the door, scaring Linden. He crunches up his face and I wait for the tears that don't come. Gale gets up to get the door, ignoring the fact that Hazel most likely is already getting it. I wonder who it is for a second, but than I realize it right as it's confirmed. Gale comes back up the stairs, Prim, Rory, Vick, Posy and Rhoda behind him. Hazel as well.
"Linden's getting his first visitors." Gale says grinning. He brings them to the side of the bed.
"Linden? Like the herb… or flower?" Rory asks in astonishment. He's been hunting still and Gale has just begun teaching him about herbs and flowers.
"Yes, Linden is a flower but can be used as herbs for medicine and tea." Gale says quickly.
"Linden is also our son." I say jokingly and mocking Gale's tone. "Who can not be used for medicine or tea." They all laugh.
Posy jumps onto the bed, making Lindens eye wander around to see what caused the quick shake, I stretch my legs out some so he can get a better look and the kids too.
"Gentle, Posy." Hazel informs her.
She comes around to my side and the boys and Rhoda on the other. Prim stands off just a bit, already having met her Nephew. They all stare in awe and of course, Posy is the first to speak. She crunches her face in confusion.
"He's so tiny." She speaks, scooting her face closer to his. Linden tares his gaze from the boys and Rhoda to her, making a new tight-mouthed face I've never seen on him yet.
"I think he likes you, Pos." Gale says, getting on the bed and sitting behind her.
"Good, 'cause I'm his auntie. Prim said I 'waz" She speaks like a fact. We all laugh and she rolls our eyes.
'Attitude.' Gale mouths to me silently. Posy has indeed been growing these past few months and developing a whole new character. She's still the sweet, charming little Posy I adore. Rhoda is the next to speak-
"I like the name." She says quietly, arms behind her back.
"Thank you." I say smiling to her, amazed at how much she has grown as well. I make a mental note to ask Hazel how she's been doing.
"I never thought I'd be an Uncle so soon." Vick says kindly. Linden turns his gaze to him and Vick smiles wide.
As if as soon as they came, they leave for school since it's a Tuesday. Rory mentions dropping Posy off at a friends house. Prim is the last to leave of course and I accept the side hug she offers.
"I owe it to you, for all you did." I say to her as she places her head on my shoulder, letting her finger slip into Linden's grasp like Gale did.
"Yes, you do." She answers with a grin. "He's mine for a few when I get back from school." She winks.
"That's a deal." I respond. If there's anyone I trust with Linden besides Gale, it's Prim. Even over Hazel.
She gives me a quick kiss on the cheek and a kiss on top of Linden's little head and heads for the stairs, not before speaking though-
"Oh, and don't forget to walk around a little bit, you don't want your muscles getting stiff." She tells me, sounding(and looking) several years older yet again.
"You got it, Doctor." I reply. Her grin is wide as she leaves.
I can't remember the last time I was this happy.
XX
If I had thought Linden could be awake longer than ten minutes without being fed, I was wrong. As soon as Prim leaves he begins to wail. Gale washes up for the morning in the bathroom while I feed him. I demand that Hazel goes home and rests for a bit-
"Your only next door, Mrs. Hazel. I'll send Gale if we need anything. I promise." I argue. She's gone without further words.
For the first time, I'm left alone with just my son and myself. My son! I never thought I would have a son… or a daughter. I had never truly thought of being a mother, having a baby to raise. All I had ever worried was if I did had a child, my baby would have to face the evil wrath of the Capitol, of Panem. But as I look into my child's eyes, that are so diligently trained on my own eyes, I know that between Gale, myself and the people that surround this child, nothing will happen to him.
I won't allow it.
I can't bring myself to the future, letting it dig me in a dark pit of emptiness when… it might not even happen. It didn't happen to Gale, to our mothers, to the thousands of adults living here in twelve.
Live in the present, not the future.
My thoughts are interrupted when I hear a soft knock at the door. Gale comes out of the bathroom quickly, just having thrown his shirt over his chest. His hair is still wet from washing. He goes downstairs in a flash, only looking at me for a second. I'm left yet again wondering who could be knocking at the door at such an early hour, it could barley be seven judging by the light from the window. Gale peeps just his head up quickly from the stairs, asking if I could over up more-
"… He's got his second visitor." He says grinning.
I know what I'm about to do won't fit well with Linden, but I decide to pull him away from my chest instead of using the blanket Hazel knitted for him. He wails instantly and milk sputters from his mouth and onto my shirt. I try to sooth him with words while bringing his stomach to my chest, my chin touching his head. The position seems to calm him some as I watch Gale come back up the stairs with Darius in toe. Darius? How would he know about his birth so soon?
"Come on, where's the famous kid?" He says, grinning at me.
I'm taken back for a second as he comes fully into the room, his Peacekeeper uniform on. Of course his weapons and helmet have been left outside, like he always does but he still resembles the people that chart the 'new' tributes off the Justice Building stage. I can't help but feel that Darius is doing that just now, coming to take my child from me. I don't know how I react entirely, but Darius isn't the one who can read my emotions, that's Gale.
"Katniss?" I hear him.
I don't know how I'm reacting, how I'm looking that Gale could tell what I'm thinking. Maybe my eyes are glazed over? Maybe I'm crying? No, I realize Linden is crying because my hands are so tightly clutched around him. I release my tight grasp, letting the breath that I didn't know I was holding in out loudly. I feel ashamed, although I don't know why?
"I'm sorry… if now's not a good time." I hear Darius say and then I turn my gaze back to him.
That's why I feel ashamed, because I felt that way about Darius. Even though I may not trust Darius completely with several things, I know he would do nothing to harm my child. That should prove it with just wanting to come see him so quickly.
"No." My voice is quiet, barley a whisper. "No.." I speak louder. "You're fine." I say, forcing myself to smile. He walks over to the bed, his boots making a loud thumping sound against the wood floors.
"He's got one proud Aunt." He says, crouching down beside the bed to get on a lower level to see Linden. "Hey, little guy." He speaks again as Linden eyes him heavily.
"You found out from Prim?" Gale asks, standing at the foot of the bed. He asks my unanswered question. I can't seem to find my voice anymore. Darius chuckles to himself quickly.
"Yeah, she's telling just about every person she passes in the streets." He answers, shaking his head. "He's cute."
"Thank you." There it is, my voice. It's still quiet and it doesn't surprise me.
I watch as Darius heavily eyes Linden's every move. Linden uncurls one of his tiny arms and move towards Darius' direction, I watch in awe at my child's first movements on his own. Gale comes closer too.
"Hey there…" Darius lets Linden grasp his finger. "You can call me Uncle Darius… when you can talk of course."
This makes me smile, not just at Darius' words but at the sight before me. His witty, inappropriate comments have been replaced with… baby talk? But than I remember what he had told us, about his wife that was expecting. I've never seen the complete joy at this moment that his written across his face.
"Do you want to hold him?" I ask, letting the words slip before I even thought of them. I regret them… somewhat.
"If… if it's ok?" He asks, shifting his gaze from my child to me. If I'm not mistaken, there's tears in his eyes.
I take a deep breath, realizing I'm about to hand my child to the man that is a Peacekeeper. But I remind myself, It's Darius, not a Peacekeeper. I nod and gesture toward Gale. Gale and I already have the 'baby transfer' down. Darius stands and I hand Gale Linden with ease, although he starts to cry. I take another deep breath as I watch Darius take Linden for his grasp. His crying ceases immediately. Darius doesn't say anything, only catching Linden's gaze with such heaviness. I try not to think what's going through his mind right now. Is he thinking of the child, the baby he almost had? Is he thinking of his wife? Is he thinking that there could slightly be a possibility that they are still alive?
Questions.
I'm sure that's a word he doesn't like. I don't… not most of the time.
"He's beautiful." Darius speaks, softly and in a hushed tone.
"Thanks." Gale replies this time to his comment.
Darius hands Linden back, sighing loudly. Again, I try not to think of what's going through his mind. But somehow, my brain takes over my speech. Just as Darius lets go of Linden's head for Gale's arm to support it, I blurt out a question I wish I could take back.
"Is it hard? To be around children? A baby?" My voice is raspy still but it comes out loud.
I watch as he takes another deep sigh, sticking his hands in his pockets as he watches Linden suckle on one of Gale's fingers.
"Sometimes." The word is whispered but carry's weight. "My brain will go to those dark places I try to stay out of." He sighs.
Those 'dark places'. Maybe Darius and I have more in common than I thought? He doesn't look like he's done speaking and I don't interrupt him. I'm lost for words anyways.
"Linden reminded me of the baby I almost had. Then my wife. Then how we met, the Academy, The Capitol, My family I left behind. How much I hate the Capitol for taking all that away from me. It's like a game…" He turns his gaze to me. "An evil game."
An evil game? Of course anything with the word 'Capitol' is evil. I'm pretty curtained the word 'Panem' is linked to the word 'Evil' in the dictionary. Darius is right though. Little thoughts can send anyone into their darkest places if you have them. Everyone does, but it's a matter of pure attitude and effectiveness you let those emotions have on you. I could spend my next years, locked in my room, ignoring my family(like my mother) with the thought of Linden's future, having his name put into the Reaping bowl each year. That could be one of my many dark places. I look back at Darius though, his upbeat, bubbly and yes, at times 'out-of-control' actions and attitudes speak nothing of his darkest places that hang so heavily on his young shoulders. I would never guess, looking at him, that he ever went through the hell he went through. Sometimes, you really can't judge someone until you fully know their story.
"Look, I got to get to work. I'll see you guys soon." He walks off, down the stairs and the sound of the door shutting behind him.
How long was I just lost in my thoughts? I look over at Gale, his eyes trained at Linden's every move, but I can read Gale just as equally. He's lost in thought, too.
"He's asleep." Gale speaks softly, carrying him over to the crib and laying him down gently.
I'm so lost in my thoughts yet again, of Darius that I don't even realize Gale has gotten back into bed, sighing loudly. I shift the covers, scooting over and laying my head and hand on Gale's chest. I listen to one of my favorite sounds, the steady heartbeat I always find there. He puts one of his arms around me, rubbing my arm up and down. For once, there's no bump getting in between us. I shift my head up some, letting my eyes linger at his handsome face. His face is still. Expressionless. Trained on the wood walls on the opposite side of the room.
"What's wrong?" I ask softly.
Does Gale have dark places? Of course, everyone does. But have I ever thought of what his could be? Sure, we both now share the same fear of our child being reaped, starving to death. That's a dark place we share, but what other things? Again, we both share the debt of losing our fathers but I'm also not the person that has to work in the place where my father died for five times a week for twelve hours. Maybe that's why Gale doesn't like to talk about the mines, about work? He's afraid of that 'dark place'. I don't blame him.
Gale shifts his gaze to me at his words, his eyes seem heavy and empty, like a deep, bottomless pit. He rubs my arm faster.
"It's nothing." He speaks simply, turning his gaze back to the wall. I sit up some, leaning on one of my elbows. I keep my hand on his chest firmly.
"Gale, it's something." I reply, remembering past conversations between us.
"Really…" His gaze back to me. "It's nothing." I sigh in frustration. "Why don't you wash up while he's asleep. You stink." He tries to lighten the mood, I can't help the scowl that comes across my face.
"I do not stink!" It's amazing the power Gale can have over my emotions.
"Frankly you do, dear." He counters back, grinning from ear to ear.
I scowl at him again, making him laugh. I throw the covers off of me, throwing them off of him too on purpose. I walk over to the bathroom-
"Make sure you wash your greasy hair, too." He adds, trying to hide his laugh.
I can't help it but I flip him a bird before I shut the door behind me.
XX
"You know, you really shouldn't have done that." Gale tells me for the third time… at least. "Linden could have seen."
I clutch the towel around me tighter, throwing my wet hair behind my shoulders as I search in the dresser for some clothes.
"He's a baby, Gale. He doesn't know what I'm doing." I reply over my shoulder, finding the pair of trousers and tank top I was searching for. I search for my undergarments next.
"True, but you should really break your bad habits now." He teases me. I turn around slightly, finding a grinning Gale with his hands behind his head on the bed still.
"And I'm the one with all the bad habits?" I joke back with him, trying to hold in my smile.
"I didn't say that." I swear his grin couldn't get wider but it does. I finally smile.
"Well…" I turn back around. "You can get off your lazy ass and help me find my clothes. Laziness isn't a good habit you know?" I grin widely as he can't see my face.
"Neither is crude language, you know?" He mocks my tone.
Within seconds I feel his steady hands slink around my waist slowly… sensually. His lips find my neck and I bask in his warmth and smell.
XX
Greasy Sae and her Granddaughter are the next people to visit Linden. I'm just shoving Gale away from me, whose trying to undo my towel when there's a light knock at the door. Gale sighs.
"I'll get it." He's down the stairs before I'm aware of it.
I slip my clothes on in a flash, cursing under my breath that my bra is to small and check on the sleeping Linden briefly. I watch the steady raise on his little chest as he takes a deep breath in and out in his sleep. I smile. Gale comes back up the stairs, speaking that Sae can't do the stairs. I step back and let him carefully scoop up Linden from his cradle. I hold my breath, hoping he won't wake, even though I'm sure he will when Sae gets a hold of him. I follow behind Gale on the stairs, realizing this is Linden's first trip out of the bedroom. I'm a bit slower on the stairs than Gale, my legs sorer than I thought. Sae sits at the kitchen table.
"Look Cora!" Sae beams when she spots the baby tucked in Gale's careful grasp. Linden is so tiny compared to Gale's large stature.
The little girl sits straighter in Sae's lap. I've seen her around the Hob before, she's her Granddaughter. She reminds me so much of Prim but I'm not sure why. Her dark hair, light grey eyes and tan completion(the Seam look) look's nothing like Prim's merchant look. Plus the several years age difference. Maybe it's that she's so quiet, and shy that reminds me of Prim?
I watch as her Granddaughter, Cora removes herself from her Grandmothers lap. Sae uses a cane and it takes her a few good seconds to steady her legs beneath her. I can't remember if I've ever seen Sae with a cane? But I haven't seen her since the New Years, the last time I was in the Hob since Linden got to big for me to hunt and trade.
"Look at him…" She beams again, placing her hand gently on top of his head. "He's absolutely perfect." She says, flashing one of her toothless smiles and shifting her gaze to me. "How you feel'n girly?"
"Fine." I stand behind Gale, letting one of my hands rest on the bottom of his back. "Just sore." I smile back and she nods her head.
"Sadly, that's commo'n sweetheart." She turns her attention to her Granddaughter next.
I shift my gaze to her as well, far to short to see Linden in Gale's tall height. She stares at the floor, her hands folded together in front of her. I can't say I've ever heard her speak, not a word. Gale suggests that she might have some type of mental illness that prohibits her to speak. It wouldn't surprise me though. The way the little girl can tone everything around her out, staring and getting lost into her own little world, like now.
"Cora? Do you want to see the baby?" Sae asks loudly.
She looks up from the floor and into the eyes of her Grandmother, shaking her head 'yes'. I watch as Gale brings himself to his knees, carefully. He shifts so the sleeping Linden can be sticking out more.
"His name is Linden." Gale speaks as the little girl steps closer.
"Linden." I hear Sae repeat. "Perfect! You know, he couldn' look more like the two of you." She adds.
Gale and I look at her the same time, chuckling and laughing briefly.
"Well, as long as he has Katniss' good looks than I think were good." Gale speaks with a smile.
I slap his shoulder playfully.
XX
"So when ya got to get back to those mines?" Sae asks Gale.
We all sit in the living room, my feet pulled up underneath me on the couch, Gale on the opposite end and Sae and Cora on the other couch. Gale laid out a thick blanket for Linden on the floor, he's still sleeping away to my surprise.
"Thursday." He answers coldly, sighing loud. Sae shakes her head.
"I'd wish they stop make'n young folks like you, with a family, work so much." She speaks, huffing in anger.
"It pay's." Gale reminds her. I find myself shaking my own head, it does. Sae laughs coldly.
"Not much, hon. What? Two coins?"
"Four."
"Still not much." She drops her gaze to Linden on the floor.
"It's something though." Gale counters back. "When your trying to provide for three families and a baby."
"I'd riot if I were you all." She speaks, ignoring Gale's words. "Mayor Undersee could raise the damn pay if he wanted to."
"It's not up to him. The Capitol sends the given amount to the Justice Building for us to be paid." He replies, trying to hold back his anger. "Besides, they'd kill us if we lifted a damn finger."
These heated… 'discussions' between Greasy Sae and Gale are far to common. They love each other but they can easily disagree on the stupidest of things. Especially when it comes to the Game's or Government. I zone out as the two of them go on and on about pay wages here, talking bad about the people in town and so on. I zone back in at the perfect time though-
"So you don't have to open your booth at the Hob today?" Gale asks causally. They must be back to talking civil.
"Nope." She answers with a cough. "All the shops in town and the Hob are closed for the week. Sett'n up for those damn games."
It doesn't surprise me, it's the middle if February and they always set up the stage, screens and posters far to early. This year though, with it being a Quarter Quill and the past Victors being reaped, all of us citizens are safe for a change. I think everyone in the District is a bit brighter this year. I still don't want to see the Square in town yet though… not right now.
Gale only shakes his head when silence begins to fill the air. Sae and Cora don't leave, nor do I practically want them to. I don't mind their company. After a minute or two there's a knock at the door and I instantly know who it is. Who else knocks with a rhythm?
Madge Undersee.
The knocking makes Linden wake, wailing at the top of his lungs. Gale of course gets the door while I quickly make my way to Linden. I bend down and pick him up carefully, hearing the bones in my back crack.
"Careful, girly." Sae warns me. I only shake my head.
I grab the blanket too, tucking it around him the best I can with being careful. He snuggles in as I bring him closer to me. His eyes are wide open but his crying ceases… for now. He stares at me and I can't help but smile. I never thought I would be so happy and content with a child. Nor did I ever think I would be so comfortable holding a baby. I remember how awkward and uncomfortable it was to hold little Alec last year. But I don't feel awkward or uncomfortable with my son.
I never want to let him go.
I'm tarred from my thoughts when I hear the high pitch voice of Madge from the front door. I look over in time to see her throwing her arms around Gale's neck. I look away… fast. Gale told me he only kissed(made out with) her once, during school assembly, before there was anything romantic between him and I. I'm glad I looked away though and I remind myself it's only a hug.
She hugs everyone.
"Katniss!?" She squeals as she enters the living room. Gale's behind her, shaking his head. "How are you!?" She asks urgently, throwing her arms around me too, around the baby.
"Good." I reply, rolling my eyes at Gale in the distance. She pulls away from the hug but doesn't step back.
"Oh my gosh!" She squeals as Linden turns his head towards her. "He's so freaking cute! Can I hold him? Please!?"
She's way to perky today for my liking.
XX
"So Sae? How is you booth doing, at the Hob?" Madge asks her as we are all seated in the living room.
Madge sits in between Gale and I, Linden tucked in her arms as he sucks on one of the plush toys we have for him. I know that Madge loves babies but she sits slightly stiff next to me. Maybe it's just her good posture though? Whereas I sit next to her, slumped over. I've always wanted to be more… 'lady like' but I can't seem to. Sometimes I wish I was though. Gale doesn't complain, so why should I?
I'm forced to listen again to Sae speaking about the town shops being closed. Thankfully, Madge cuts her off quickly as she already knows.
"I know! But I mean in general. How's the business?" She says with a polite smile. I take notice to the delicate ribbon holding back her long, curly blond hair. It's pretty.
I hate ribbons.
"It pays." She looks over at Gale and I try to mute my laugh. It comes out in an awkward, fake cough. "I had just got a rare shipment in of Lamb, too. Won't be good by next week." She adds, shaking her head.
"Lamb!?" The words blurt out of my mouth before I can stop them.
I haven't had lamb since I was at least eight or nine. My father was able to trade a deer for a lamb once at the Hob for New Years. It was the most amazing thing I had ever ate. But I haven't had it since.
"Two of 'em! Whole!" She answers with a grin stretching from ear to ear. Sae doesn't know how lucky she is. That could feed her and Cora for months if she preserves the meat right. "I was think'n too…" She sits up straighter. "We can take one of 'em, grill it over a fire and have ourselves a little 'celebration'n' of Linden's birth. Invite yall's family and friends?" Her grin is wide.
I hold in my smile. I do love Lamb.
"Isn't that for your booth at the Hob though?" Gale speaks first.
"Ain't gonna be good by then." She throws her hands up.
"I say lets do it then!" He responds, looking at me and smiling. I shake my head, it really doesn't sound like a bad idea.
I do love Lamb.
"It'll be a family barbeque!" Sae speaks, laughing loudly afterwards.
"Yay! I know a lot of good group games, too!" Madge joins in, sounding more excited and high pitched then ever.
I guess she's coming too.
XX
I shut the door behind Madge, Sae and Cora. We all agreed tomorrow at three would be the best with Gale going back to work the following day. But with the 'family barbeque' being tomorrow, we have to prepare quickly for it.
I can't honestly say I oppose the idea, taking away the fact that I will get to eat Lamb. There are so few things we can take part in with joy, laughs and smiles. Expect for the small little gathering Gale had for my birthday last year(which was a rarity in itself), I can't remember the last time we got together not just with the two of our families but with a few friends as well. I try to look at it as a time of happiness, celebrating that were all safe from the reaping this year too and not just the birth of Linden.
I walk back into the living room to find Linden tucked in Gale's arms. He's sitting long ways on the couch, cooing and talking soothingly to Linden. I never doubted that Gale would be a great father. The way he takes care of his siblings and his mother. The way he naturally takes in charge in a difficult situation. The way he provides.
I never doubted the scene before me.
Gale turns his head just slightly as I stand in the doorway behind him.
"You can join us. If you'd like?" He says with a sweet smile.
I walk over to them, yawning and beyond exhausted in the process. I sit at where his feet are, he brings them to rest in my lap. I rub circles on them, staring as my hands skim his tanned skin of his feet.
"You're not mad at me… are you?" He asks with hesitation. I turn my gaze toward his. Why would I be mad? I ask him this. "Because I made the plans for tomorrow, without asking you first." He answers, catching Linden's out stretched grasp in his own.
"No, of course I'm not." I answer honestly. "I'm looking forward to it." I add a smile that's not forced by any means.
"Good. Me too." Gale answers, sitting up and pulling me into his lap. My head sits inches away from Linden's and I kiss the little skin on his forehead.
With quick dissociation, we agree on the few people to invite. Sae, Cora and Madge of course, both our families, Thom's family(If they'll come), Bristel and her brother and Darius.
"Good?" Gale asks me after.
"Perfect." I answer honestly.
I bring our lips together.
XX
We let our lips linger on each other's far to long when Linden begins to cry, just slightly. We pull apart, looking as our son begins to have tears fall from his beautiful grey eyes.
"Oh know! Mommy? Linden can't be crying!" Gale jokingly begins. I can't help the full on laugh that comes out of me. "Hungry?" Gale asks him in a child like voice. I shake my head though.
"Diaper change." I speak, noticing the distinct smell coming from Linden.
We make our way into the nursery, setting him down on the make shift changing table. I retrieve the cloth diaper and the cloth's I had cut into strips. I watch as Gale cleans him up, throwing the dirty diaper into a basket. Gale never complains or asks me to clean Linden up. I'm beyond grateful for that. I wrap one of my arms around him. I also take notice that the little basket is nearly full and we already have a dwindling supply of clean diapers.
"I've got to do some laundry." I speak, undoing my arm from Gale and bending down to pick up the basket.
"Already?" He asks.
"Yep."
I walk out of the room, leaving Gale to take care of one mess while I take care of the other. I pull on my coat quickly and make my way outside, filling up the large wash bucket with water. Hazel comes out from next door, offering her help. We clean the diapers while sitting on the porch. The weather is nice. Cold but the touch of Spring already in the air. I mention the barbeque tomorrow to Hazel.
"Can't wait, dear!"
XX
We sit at the table.
Gale, myself, Hazel and Posy. Hazel cooked up for lunch a nice stew of roasted nuts and squirrel. It taste almost bitter to me and I realize quickly that I have Lamb so focused in my mind that everything else tastes weird. I shake my head and bring the next bite to my mouth of the stew, being careful not to drop any on the feeding Linden attached to me.
"Were all eat'n." Posy says, smiling and shifting closer to Gale in her seat.
She insisted on sitting next to her brother for lunch, but I don't complain. The seat I have next to Hazel is fine.
"Did the news click on your television about an hour ago? Without the alarm sound?" Hazel asks while we eat.
"No." Gale and I answer in unison.
"Oh. Well, ours did and they spoke about a bomb going off in one of the Capitol Government buildings." She says almost casually, stuffing another bite into her mouth.
"Airgusta?" Gale asks, almost urgently.
"Yes, they believed so." She answers.
"How many got killed?" He asks another question. I can see Hazel turn her attention toward Posy for a second.
"Hey Pos.." I speak up. "How about you go upstairs and look in the bottom of my dresser. I have some spare paper and a pencil."
I need not to say more, there's nothing that Posy loves more than to draw. She's up the stairs in a flash.
"Between sixty or seventy." Hazel answers. "They can't identify most of the bodies because they are so charred, but the head game maker this year for the games was killed too." She sighs.
"Plutarch Heavensbee?" I ask, remembering seeing his name on the Quarter Quill posters.
"Yes." She answers with a sadden smile.
"Now just kill the rest of those damn, fucking idiots and were good." Gale says, nearly laughing.
"Watch your language, mister!"
I can't help it, but I crack up far to loudly.
XX
"Linden Hawthorne!"
The name rings out, echoing in the vast square that is so compacted with children.
I can't breath.
My lungs are sucked dry at any bit of air that was left. There's no arms that wrap around me, no tears spill from my eyes as I watch a dark haired, dark skinned young boy slowly step from the crowd of children. I want to wake.
But I can't.
"Come on dear, don't be shy!"
I want to scream.
But I can't.
Eyes.
Their everywhere. Eyeing me. People are looking at me. Expecting me to do something. What can I do to help my son?
"Nothing."
I watch as the flamboyant woman on the stage addresses me. But it's not the normal, Capitol woman.
It's my own mother.
"There's nothing you can do for him now."
Gasping.
I shoot straight up, gasping for a breath of air. The room is darkened, only lit by the moon light coming in through the open window. Gale and Linden sleep peacefully.
"Just a nightmare." I whisper the word to myself, it gets drowned out by the loud sound of lightning outside.
Was it just a nightmare? Or do we have dreams that mean anything? Of course we do. Dreams always mean something. I dreamt my worst fear, seeing my own child have to fight for his own life. I quickly realize I'm shaking, over bond with that fear. I have the strong urge to wake Gale, to cry to him. But what good will that do?
Nothing.
It will do nothing. I lay back down, chanting over and over that it was just a nightmare. But those words are far much easier said than ever believed. Why is it sometimes that dreams feel so… real? Like it's a message from something or someone higher? A little hint of what to expect. Whatever it means, I can't bury myself in a depression like my own mother has done and is currently doing.
Fear is strong.
But I'm stronger than that.
I try closing my eyes, knowing sleep won't come easily. But I end up thinking back to when I was only a child, a book my father had read to me talked about fear, all kinds of it. But one quote always stuck out to me. I repeat this quote to myself, using my father's own steady, deep voice in my head…
"We fear violence less than our own feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict." .
I realize the quote is true, no one is directly, physically inflicting my child at this moment but I have a fear within my own private self of that infliction. It's almost confusing and I worry of confusing myself. I'm no scholar or philosopher. But the quote rings truth. We do, we honestly feel violence over our own personal feelings and thoughts. Fear is strong… yes.
But I'm stronger . . . . . . . .
Chapter 33 Preview: Will this... "Family Barbeque" be just what Katniss needs? Or will things not go completely as planned? What will happen when Katniss is forced to face her mother? Will the tears that will be shed be of joy or heartache? Will Katniss ever truly learn to forgive her mother or will her mother never change? What will take place as Katniss begins to sense unease in Gale as he makes changes to their family? And what exactly will these changes be? And what events will unfold that Katniss begins asking questions she never thought she would have to face? Find out these questions and MORE Friday the 25th!
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