A/N - Well... There's not much to say other than.. IT'S HERE! You are more than welcomed to come back after reading the Chapter and read this long A/N, but... I just wanted to give my deepest apologizes for not getting it up sooner. I have had health problems as well as a few minor family issues that I needed to take care of. As much as I love you all and I love writing... my Family and health must come first. Thankfully though, I AM BACK! And... with my returning I bring you a whole new, long Chapter. Technically, it is "unfinished" but I couldn't stand having you guys wait any long for this. Since this Chapter is not finished, there should be two more Chapter before the Epilogue.
THANK YOU TO ALL MY REVIEWERS! To CatnipGirlOnFire, "Guest", BellaBear9898, Swifty22, RusticWolfxx, district101, AbbyDaNinja and Princ3ssOfQu33nS... I feel the love! CatnipGirlOnFire- Currently and the way it is looking, yes, there should be a third installment. And yes too, it is currently untitled but I do have a few name ideas :). "Guest"- Thank you for your kind words! Don't worry, I wasn't able to squeeze some "Katniss/Gale Romance" but it WILL be in the next one ;). Don't worry! And I am from the United States. Yes, I do agree, it is very neat! :D district101- I answered your question above in "CatnipGirlOnFire's" answer :D. AbbyDaNinja- Yay! Welcome to the club (Sadly, Peeta did not bake any cookies for us). Princ3ssOfQu33nS- I am glad you like it! There will not be an actual District rebellion like in the original books. I can't give too much away right now, but yes.. I am focusing on Airgusta for the whole war/rebellion type thing/road. hopefully that answered your question alright? :) THANKS AGAIN TO ALL MY REVEWERS! XOXO
Again, I could go on and on about how much I apologize for not getting this up but I don't want to waste anymore of your time. In this Chapter, like I said, I didn't get to put everything I wanted into it but it still turned out really well in my opinion. I am finding it REALLY hard to write both Gale and Katniss with how much the story has changed but I can see, I have so much planned ahead. The end of this chapter is setting up for an explosion within the story. After this Chapter, the story will be changing completely and setting up for the next installment. I think the soon coming epilogue is what will throw all of you (honestly!). Also, please check the Facebook page for all my updates! Chapter 34 SHOULD be up FRIDAY DECEMBER 6TH - IF NOT SOONER. I am really hoping, praying and crossing my fingers for sooner! Well, once more SORRY but please sit back and enjoy this Chapter. You ALL deserve it. Leaving a Review is helpful, nice and heartwarming to me! Love to all - Macayla
BTW- Who is excited for Catching Fire this week (If you live in America)? I know I am! Thursday night can't come soon enough ;)
"So what'd you do?"
"What could I do? I bent over and said… Kiss this!"
I listen as Darius precedes to retell us of the time he ripped his pants while being drunk at a District 2 bar. I shake my head, pulling the sleeping Linden closer to myself and finding an amusing smile pass my lips as I avoid watching Darius act like he's pulling his pants down. Gale cracks up next to me.
Between the laughter of Sae, Hazel, Bristel and Madge, plus the sound of laughter coming outside from all the children, I find myself with a more uplifted spirit than I thought I could find today. The nightmare last night weighs so heavily upon my shoulders. I contemplated telling Gale of it, but when he woke up with one of the widest smiles I've ever seen on his lips… I couldn't bring myself to ruin his happiness with my worries. I sucked it up, reminding myself that…
I'm stronger.
This 'family barbeque' (as everyone is content with calling it) is beyond what I needed to ease my mind of it, without at least talking to Gale about it. The children play outside and we sit happily in the living room, talking and chatting. I can't get by without saying I was unease about the amount of liquor Darius was protestant on bringing over but I let it pass. I can't drink anyway(not with feeding Linden) but it's nice to see Gale enjoying himself with a beer for once.
"Come on… were all saying embarrassing stories here. Your turn."
It takes me a second but I quickly realize Darius' words were directed to me. We have indeed been passing around stupid, crazy stories between us. We listened to the time Hazel barfed on her second date with Gale's father, the time Madge forgot to shave her legs before making a trip to the slag heap (no one finds it embarrassing but her), the time Bristel fell off the school assembly stage in front of everyone… I sort of remember that. The stories are similar with both Gale and Sae, but I can't honestly say I was looking forward to my turn. I begin to stutter.
"Come on… We know you got one." Darius speaks again with an evil grin.
Knock, Knock, Knock.
The sound of light knocking from the front door fills the quiet living room. The sound though reminds me of all the pair of eyes currently trained on me.
"I'll get it!" I blurt out, practically throwing(still carefully of course) Linden to Gale. He takes him from my grasp.
"Probably Thom's family." He says. I shake my head and make my way to the door.
"Excuses excuses." Darius mumbles as I walk past him. I slap him on the back of the head playfully, making a funny sound. "God woman!"
Before I open the door, I take a second to smooth my shirt down, throw my loose hair behind my shoulder and wipe the ridiculous, amusing smirk off my face in exchange for a sweet smile. It's been a while since I've seen Thom's family and I know they are still grieving heavily. I take a deep breath, smiling wide and opening the door. The smile fades though… Quick.
Fast indeed.
XX
"Mom?" I'm taken back by the woman standing on my front porch… my own mother.
"Hello, hon." She answers causally… too causally.
Not like she didn't leave me to fend for myself when I needed her the most… again. Not like she left me to care for my own pregnancy when I didn't know what the hell I was doing. Not like she didn't zone out again for a whole two months, leaving so much weight on Prim's fragile, little shoulders. I don't know how long I stand there. Not smiling. Not moving. I don't want to see her right now. Not today.
"Can I come in, please?" She asks, raised eyebrows and a small smile on her pale lips.
I realize just how pale her lips are. Her skin is pale, lacking the espouser to sun. Her blond hair that's pulled into a bun seems different, it's no longer completely blond but I spot touches of grey coming from the roots above her ears. Her blue eyes seem darker. Her frame so tiny compared to her clothes. I have no time to feel pity or guilt towards her.
She does this to herself.
I slam the door in her face.
XX
I place my head on the door, knowing she's on the opposite side. My hands rest near my side, tightly into fists. I can't go back into the living room where the others are yet, not with the new found anger running through my veins.
"Just let me see my Grandchild, Katniss. I know you're still there." She speaks through the door, changing her normal soft tone to more… stern.
Damn it.
Maybe I should just go upstairs, let this steam blow away but I can't. Gale will see me and come following. I don't want to upset him either, or possibly listen to a lecture on how I'm wrong and she's right. Gale rarely ever sides with my mother, but I know he wouldn't dismiss her one wish right now. The wish to see her grandson. He's not quite as heartless as I am.
"Open the door please." I hear her voice through the door again, back to being quiet and soft. I don't move. "Katniss-Marie Everdeen, open this door." She says it sternly but still quiet.
I hate when she uses my full name.
I cringe at her words, beyond more upset with her. I'm not an 'Everdeen'… not anymore. And I haven't been called by my birth name, 'Katniss-Marie' since before my fathers death. The words send cold shivers down my spine with old memories I try to forget. The ones when my mother actually acted like a mother, when my father was still alive.
I don't move.
Maybe upstairs isn't feeling so bad now?
"Katniss, I'm not tip-toeing around this subject anymore. Open this door, now!"
I don't move.
Why should I obey my mother… whose acting like a mother (for once) when she doesn't deserve the respect? I won't move. I won't. I hear her sigh heavily on the opposite side.
"At least come out here. Please." Her voice sounds so strained and I can hear tears in her voice. It's a pleading tone.
Without thinking… I finally move. Opening the door, all the way, slowly. I know that if I should act, it needs to be now. Gale will start to wonder what's taking so long, although he can see the door clearly from his spot on the couch. Maybe he does know and is letting me deal with this on my own? That sounds like him. The vision of my mother is exactly the same, minus the tears I might have expected.
"Can you come out here? So we can talk." She has that tight, small smile again. I remain emotionless.
"There's nothing to talk about." I find myself speaking, avoiding direct eye contact with her. I'm not sure why though.
"There's a lot, baby." She laughs a little. "Too much to be exact."
I'm not sure what makes me act, really, I don't and I in no way agree with her words, but I move, closing the door behind me and stepping around her. I take a seat angrily in one of the rockers as I watch Posy chase Prim and Rhoda around in the front yard. Rory, Vick and Bristel's little brother play with wooden swords.
"I'm not going to say I'm sorry…"
I hear my mother speak the words as she takes a seat in the rocking chair next to me. I don't look at her but I'm surprised by her words. She always start with the "I'm sorry's".
"I know you hear that too much from me…" 'You're talking' I hear the voice in my head say sarcastically.
"I make mistakes, Katniss. I am in no way perfect…" 'You got that right', there goes the little voice in my head again. "I'm a terrible mother."
The slight, angered rocking I was doing in my chair stops… I think my breathing for a second does too. With the many deep conversations I have had with my mother about this subject, the years, I have never heard my mother say she's terrible at her job. She's usually trying to make some excuse for her actions. 'I didn't have my medicine' or 'You know what watching gory things does to me, Katniss', speaking of the Game's. I never accepted her excuses, but now I find myself listening more intently than I ever have to her.
"I have no excuses." She must have read my mind. "I failed you, I failed Prim, I failed your father and I most importantly…" She pauses for a second but I still can't bring myself to look at her. She takes a deep breath. "I failed my Grandbaby, Katniss. And that feeling…" I finally bring myself to look at her. Tears are in her even darker eyes.
"… you will never know what that feels like. It is horrible to miss out on your children, to fail them. To make a pact to yourself that you'll do better, only failing again and this time on my own innocent Grandchild."
Should I feel pity now towards her? I don't. She opens her mouth to speak more but I stop her with my own words, dropping my gaze on her-
"Maybe you should stop making pacts to yourself and you won't feel so bad." I say the words coldly. She laughs coldly.
"You don't understand, baby. You're a mother now, yes, but you haven't failed your child." Her words hurt, and I know why quickly.
"You don't think I've failed him already?" I ask her, trying to control my ever growing anger. Without purpose, I bring myself to look back into her dark gaze. "What do you think it's like to constantly worry about having you child reaped, to have nightmares about it. To worry about something happening to his parents and he's forced to starve to death? Oh yeah…" I laugh coldly too. "You've never had to worry about that." I begin rocking in the chair angrily again, watching the kids run in the yard.
"How is that failing him though, baby?" She asks me quietly. I wish she'd quit talking to me like that.
"Because I had him, Mom!" There. I said it. I sit up, matching her gaze again. "I brought him into this evil, fucked up world we live in! If I lived in the Capitol, I would have had him in a heartbeat."
The words spill out of my mouth without control… I didn't even know they were on my mind and true, but there are. She opens her mouth to speak but I cut her off again-
"You know we didn't plan him! Don't act like it!" I get my point through sternly. "Don't play those game's with me." Although I'm not entirely sure what those 'games' are.
It's quite after my words. We both sit back in our chairs, keeping our gaze on the boys as they wield around their wooden swords. Playing soldiers in battle.
Soldiers in battle?
Yeah, I feel like one those right now.
XX
I stop in the kitchen before making my way back to the others. I can't go back in there yet, not with the anger still running through my cold veins. I left my mother out there, ignoring her pleas for me to sit back down. We had nothing else to say to each other anyway. I stop at the kitchen counter, blocking out the sound of laughter coming from the others in the living room. I grab the bottle of wine Darius brought, popping the cork off and drinking straight from the bottle… Linden can make do with the goat's milk Madge brought over for him for the next twelve hours.
"What's going on?"
I quickly yank the bottle away from my mouth, making an odd sucking sound. The cold chill of the wine sinks down my throat, almost burning but I'm not entirely sure why. I turn around to the site of a confused Gale, Linden stretching his little arms above his head in his grasp. Before I can answer though, Gale steps closer, taking the bottle from my hands. He sets it down on the counter behind me.
"You're not going to start drinking because you're upset. Who was that and what happened?" He asks me, demanding an answer. I look away from his gaze… pausing before answering.
"My mother." I say the words quietly, almost drowned out by the loud talking from the living room.
He doesn't answer, or say anything. He steps closer, pressing Linden in between us and bringing his lips to my forehead. The height of Gale and the way he's holding him, Linden sits right above my chest. I bring my own lips to his little cheek, getting his a little gasp from his mouth. I smile without control.
"I'm sorry." Gale finally speaks, resting our foreheads together. "Don't let her ruin this day for you. Alright?"
I shake my head, making his head move too. We both laugh quietly. When he brings our lips together…
I know that everything will be okay.
XX
I wake to the morning light streaming in through the opened window through my closed eyelids, Linden tucked swiftly in my grasp on my side. I reach out with my other hand, feeling for Gale. But I find the spot cold.
Empty.
I nearly panic, making my eyes fly open but I quickly remember… Gale went back to work this morning. The late night conversation we had last night did little to ease my mind of the returning worry. I'm not worried about having to care for Linden by myself, I don't with Hazel just right next door but I return with my worry for Gale's safety. The temporary "three-day-hold" I had on that was nice. And I also miss him… terribly. Somehow I find myself silently praying for his safety.
I'm jolted out of my thoughts, worries and prayers when I feel shifting next to me. I had nearly forgotten we decided to put Linden in between us last night. I think Gale wanted to be close to the both of us. He spoke little on his thoughts of returning to the mines, but I don't think safety or the mines themselves are what was making Gale frown, I believe it was having to leave Linden each day now. He didn't say it… but I could tell. Linden is in that state of sleep and alertness but I take this time to look at his growing features. His eyes are closed, but his dark eye lashes have been growing, especially just over night. His skin is still tan but it's soft and slightly pink. His little fingernails and full, plump lips are what I love best. His dark hair grows straight on his head, already with a natural sweep to the right side of his head. I run my finger along his bottom lip, slowly and softly, being careful not to wake him entirely up yet. He starts to kick his feet at my doing's, making me laugh, His eyes shoot open-
"Good morning, baby." His eyes widen at my voice. "Daddy's at work, so it's just you and me, kid." I say with a smile, pressing my finger to the tip of his nose. He crunches his face and kicks his legs again.
I wish Gale was here to see him now. Not just because I (we) miss him, but it's the most active I have ever seen little Linden. He starts to attempt at waving his arms at the same time, he get's the hang of it after several failed attempts. I scoop him up, easing myself off the bed gently.
"Your daddy is going to be so proud of you when he hears how good you're being for mommy." I smile wide at his response with gargling sounds and a fist full of my braid. Linden makes me happy.
Truly happy.
XX
I stand over the stove, blowing on the hot coals. Linden's content with his morning breakfast from me. Hazel said the one sip of wine I had last night is long gone out of my system, which is good… Linden wasn't to happy about the goats milk last night. I finally get a flame with the coals, putting the pot of leftover lamb on top. I'm beyond grateful we had a small amount of leftovers, both that it's lamb (my favorite) and because our supply of game is dwindling down. I sigh as I realize we only have one more helping of lamb, two squirrels and a rotting apple, that will feed us dinner… if were lucky. I look down at Linden, his little, beautiful grey eyes are closed but his mouth moves diligently to receive his breakfast. I'm not entirely sure what plan I might have mentally made to hunt with Linden, but I know I have to. That either means Linden come's with me, or he stays with Hazel.
I don't want to leave him.
I'm not.
He didn't like the goats milk, and he eats often.
I have to.
Without further thinking and without weighing the cons, I decide at three days old, Linden will be getting his first big break in the woods.
XX
Ten minutes later I find myself dressed in my hunting clothes, game bag slung across my shoulder and searching the nursery for the special item Hazel knitted him. It's an odd contraption, a little 'baby holder' (as Posy put it). It has a little pouch in front for him with the straps crossing behind my back. It looked sturdy and durable. Hazel said I would be able to use my arms freely and freely I need if I'm going to be able to shoot my bow. I finally find the brown contraption underneath a pile of blankets. Fifteen? Twenty minutes it takes me to figure out the damn thing but I finally get the crying, wailing Linden inside of it. It's not as funny looking or feeling as I thought it would be. Hazel was right… it's durable when you have places to be and things to do. I try bouncing a little with him but he doesn't stop crying. I sling my game bag back over my shoulder, worried the position is maybe hurting him and the cushiony, soft fabric and blanket I tucked in tightly isn't supporting him enough. But by looking at it and his supported head, he is. I sigh, hoping this hunting trip will be fast. I'm still sore and beyond exhausted with waking twenty times a night. I go to open the front door, bouncing slightly with Linden when I realize the note neatly tucked into the door frame. I retrieve it, reading the hand written words-
"Catnip,
I know you will do fine with Linden today. I love you both so much. I already miss you both. Give Linden a big kiss for me. Get my mother if you need anything. I'll be home at five. I love you.
Your hot husband,
Gale.
PS- Don't even think about taking Linden hunting. I mean it!"
I find myself laughing but missing Gale even more. I neatly fold the note back, tucking it in my jacket pocket. I look at the crying Linden in front of me, thinking of Gale's last words on the note. I end up smiling… grinning.
"What daddy don't know won't hurt him."
And with that… were off.
XX
I silently plea that the covers I have tucked in with Linden are keeping him warm. The winter air is still freezing but the wind reminds me of the approaching spring. I am grateful for no snow. Linden seems continent now as I walk, bouncing him slightly. His eyes squint from the sun. I quickly make it to the fence, throwing my game bag over first and holding the pouch in front of me as I bend down and step through. As we make our way through the meadow, I do my best to not think of Gale. So deep in those freezing mines, no doubt thinking about us as he risks his life for none other than… us.
I reach the hollow log, pulling out my bow and arrows. Linden's mouth is gaped open in awe of his new surroundings. He almost seems to like it, continent. He wear's a new smiling face that again, is new. He makes soft sounds as I begin walking further into the woods. Never did I imagine I would be hunting with a baby… my baby.
As I approach the first snare line, I realize the heaviness on my chest. I look down to see Linden's head resting there, his mouth open as he sleeps. Good, I think. We can hunt in quietness.
And hunt we do.
XX
I stash my bow and arrows back into the log, making the walk back to the fence and through the meadow. Linden slept the whole time. Both a blessing and a disappointment. I wanted Linden to see the woods, see the place that make's his family survive. That gave Hope to his parents. That keeps the people who love him alive. I know he's far too young to understand, but it would have meant something to myself. A sort of peace and closure I could only get from doing so.
"Always next time." I speak softly, even though he's sleeping soundly.
I got better game than I thought I would. Two rabbits, two(large) water birds and a squirrel will do for a few days. I decide I need to make a trip to the Hob, being the need for fresh cloths to make diapers. I slip under the fence, waking Linden. He begins wailing, loud. I try to quiet him as I'm standing in front of the fence, loaded game bag and dirty clothes. I quickly run to the nearest road, hoping he didn't attract attention. From the no looks I am getting from the few people walking, we are clear. I sit down on one of the rotted wooden benches, pulling the crying Linden out and removing the pouch from me. I shield myself with the blanket and allow him to feed. I tilt my head up, eyes closed as I bask in the sun's rays.
"Please be safe, Gale." I mouth. "Please."
XX
The Hob is exceptionally busy for this time of the day and week as I enter through the front doors. I take in my surroundings, even though I've been to the Hob a billion and one time's. I realize that the old, run down warehouse is nearly out of space for the growing number of vendors. Ever since the Airgusta threats have been going up, people have been stocking up on supply items in case of war. I didn't get it at first, why we would need to stock up with such things, but this is Panem. If there's going to be a war on Panem's soil, it's not going to be in the Capitol, it will be in the Districts. Gale told me I had nothing to worry about, but he's not always right.
I throw the thought over my head as I enter further, I don't really need another thing to worry about today. I step into one of the busy ails between the vendor booths and spot several people I've never seen before. Greasy Sae though is my first stop, the smell of soup coming from her booth make's my mouth water instantly. It is lunch time after all.
"Hi Sae." I announce as I approach, her back turned toward me. She looks to be cutting something.
"Hello girly." She responds turning around and smiling her toothless, wide grin as her eyes drop to Linden.
He's still secured safely in the pouch strapped on to me, barley noticeable by the amount of blankets I have him covered in. I zipped up my father's hunting jacket, making only the top of his little knitted beanie seeable. If it wasn't for the bulkiness in my jacket, you wouldn't be able to tell he's there.
"How is he?" She asks, setting a large bowl of the steaming soup in front of me. I sit on one of the stoles, reaching for a coin to give her but she waves it off.
"Good." I reply, setting my loaded game bag on the counter. Her eyes widen immediately.
"You didn't take that fella out there… did ya?" Her voice is raspy, more than usual. I can't help the smile that spreads across my face. I only shake my head 'yes' in answer. She laughs. "You're a crazy thing, kid."
The soup did wonders on warming my body, but did little of the cold chill of the realization that Gale is deep in those mines again. I smile though, forcing myself to as nearly every person I pass in the Hob ponders over Linden. Speaking of the dark tuff of hairs sticking out of his beanie, or the piercing grey eyes he has. I can't help it, but I point out his perfect, red lips to one person.
They're my favorite.
Everyone is nice, sweet comments and gestures are passed around for him and if I'm correct, Linden seems to almost like the extra attention, making all kinds of sounds as people peer over my shoulder to see him and not crying once. People point out his features, mostly speaking that he couldn't look more like Gale. They're right though, the older Linden is getting, even though it's only days, he can't look more like Gale.
But of course, you wouldn't be in District 12 without the occasional smart comment from certain people. Sometime's they mean nothing, only not realizing what they are saying but other's do mean it. Like the woman I have to face. She's beyond ancient and sits in the rocking chair by the front doors, always rocking it at the same, slow pace and knitting at in even slower pace. Her grey hair sticks up in every direction under her brown, stained bandanna. Nothing good ever come's out of her mouth. But even though she's known as one of the town's rudest people, she's iconic to the Hob. She trades her knitted cloths and blankets for a reasonable trade. I approach, smiling wide to make sure I can get on her good side today. Step across the line with her and you can kiss goodbye whatever you are trying to get from her. Gale and I learned that the hard way-
"Hi Lenora." I speak softly. I get the same gesture as everyone does from her, a nod of the head.
"What can I help you with?" Her voice is oddly low for a woman. She doesn't smile.
"Cloth." I answer. She nods her head again, bending down and retrieving the basket behind her chair. "What for?" Another iconic trait of this woman, you can never trade with her without her asking why you need what you are wanting from her. I try smiling again, but I lose it.
"My son." I answer again.
"Your son?" She asks, her look is as though I've just grown a second head before her very eyes. I shake my head.
"Yes, to make diapers." I answer yet again, gesturing with my head to the half asleep Linden attached to my front side. She scowls immediately.
She starts shifting through the large basket, finding what I am needing. I bounce on the balls of my feet, glancing around at my surrondings while I nervously await her next words. She mumbles them-
"I ain't got a damn clue why kids keep having more damn kids. Gonna die anyway." She looks up at me, handing me a few of the cloths she could find. I find my own gaze heavy on hers as I reach my hand out. "Don't get to attached to him." She nods her head to Linden and waves me off with her hand.
I guess with the inappropriate comment I received, I at least didn't have to trade anything for the cloths. I walk out the front doors, more pissed than ever. I would have traded anything to not hear those words from her mouth. I know I shouldn't let it bother me, not coming for a woman like her, but they do.
They really do.
XX
The birds outside sound beautiful, vibrant with their different pitches, speaking to each other. I finally had got Linden back to sleep after an hour of none-stop crying and put him in his crib next to the bed, tucking myself in in my own bed when I notice this with the birds. I lay down, allowing myself to relax but not sleep. I'm anticipating Gale to come back from work in less than in hour, and I don't want him to come home, from working so hard, to find his family asleep. I do relax though, exhausted from the long day of hunting this morning, the trip to the Hob, worrying about Gale and the words the woman said to me and trying to get Linden to stop crying for the past hour and a half. I close my eyes, listening to the tones that are again passed to and from the birds. Each one sounds different. Some are high, other's are low. I'm so relaxed that I nearly miss the sound of the front door opening down stairs. A grin plasters across my face and I sit up, straightening the blankets out around me and fixing my braided hair rather quickly. The sound of his heavy mining boots only make me smile wider and when I see him enter the room, covered from head to two in coal, it takes all I can do not to leap off this bed toward him. He doesn't return my smile though and looks exhausted. His eyes are heavy, he's slumped and his head hangs low. He doesn't speak, only pauses at the stairs, looking between me and Linden's crib. He walks over to the crib and I can't help but notice the slight limp he has. It takes all I can not to panic immediately. I go to say something, what I'm not sure, just as he approaches Linden's crib but he knows what I was trying to ask. My question come's out in a hobbled jumble of an odd sound-
"I Fell." He says as he peeks over the crib to our child. "I'm fine."
His answer does nothing to sooth my alertness. If he's limping… he's not 'fine'. I get up, throwing the covers off of me and approaching him. He turns around, seeming like one of those tall buildings in the Capitol, hanging over me. He seems sad-
"You're not fine." I speak softly, reaching my hands out to him. He backs away quick.
"I am." He throws the words at me… harshly.
Before I can answer, say or even do anything he walks over to the bathroom. It's not unusual for Gale to come home from work in not the… 'best of moods' but he never takes out frustration on me. I feel horrible to realize it, but he normally takes it out on his mother, siblings or the people in the Hob. He's out of my direct sight but before I can still say anything, he speaks again-
"You disobeyed me." He informs me. Speaking softly but the amount of anger in his voice is evident from years of knowing him. I sigh. What is he talking about?
It hits me.
XX
I did my very best to make the game I got today blend in with our pile we already have, but he still noticed. Of course he was going to notice. How does he think two huge birds ended up on his kitchen counter? But was I actually going to hide this from him? But I think a better question is… did I know he would get mad, therefore I did that? No. I didn't think right today. I don't answer back and I know I'm only adding fuel to the flames. He come's back out of the bathroom, stripped to nothing but his boxers and his tone, tanned chest exposed-
"Katniss?"
I can hear my own heartbeat in my ears. He's mad. But why? He reads my mind-
"You took a three day old newborn out in those woods…. Didn't you?" His voice is loud. It doesn't scare me, Gale has never scared me but I hope he calms down for the sake of our sleeping baby just inches from me.
"I'm sorry." I say softly, dropping my gaze to Linden in the crib, the raise and fall of his chest.
Is Gale right? Was I really crazy thinking that was a good idea? He is right. But I had to, we would have nothing to eat tonight and I refuse for him to have to come home to nothing to eat after working so hard. So yes… I made the right choice in the end… no matter what. When I hear his footfall behind me, I speak again.
"I'm sorry…" I say louder. "… but I had to." I hear him laugh angrily behind me. It makes me turn around.
"You could have left him with my mother, you know?" He says it like I'm stupid.
"Yes, Gale. But maybe I didn't want to." My words come out as a sentence rather than a question as I intended. He seems be calming down, and I feel angry with myself for fighti-… arguing with him. I sigh. "Look, I'm sorry okay? I was just trying to help you out so you didn't have to hunt tonight. I'm sorry."
With that, he stalks back off into the bathroom, a tight scowl on his face as he slams the door.
How did I think Gale would react?
XX
Dinner is quiet.
The scraping of our spoons on our bowls are the only sounds. This dinner would be nice. The soft candles burning from the lack of sun, the absence of Linden as he sleeps (at an unusual time for him) in the crib in his room, the absence of our mothers or any of our siblings and the pleasant dinner that I somehow found myself making. We rarely spend time together… just the two of us. But it's not nice. Gale is silent, his gaze looking downward. My heart breaks when I hear his spoon in his bowl, trying to get every last bite of food. After splitting the game with our families, we were barley left with anything. Even when Gale is mad at me, he still looks out for me, giving me the bigger helping.
"You need it."
Was his only response when he switched our bowls. I didn't feel like arguing again, so I left it. I feel the guilt now, and the silence is beyond killing me. Is Gale really still mad at me? After I apologized? He finishes his dinner, sitting back in his chair and keeping his gaze on Linden's cracked door to his nursery. Minutes go by when I finally finish, setting the bowl down on the table carefully to not be too loudly but it's loud with the silence that fills the house tonight. I realize that I can not take it anymore. I wipe my mouth before I speak-
"How was work?" I ask the age old question to him like I do every day after working. I know I'll get the same exact answer as I always do… that is if he chooses to speak to me.
"Alright." There it is… the same response as always. I smile though, leaning on my elbows and trying to loosen the tension.
"What happened?" I ask, gesturing with my head to his legs. Did Gale really fall? His steady feet never fail him. That is something unusual. He's silent for a while but finally answers.
"Fell down one of the shafts…" He turns his gaze to me. "It's not a big deal."
"Are you in pain?" He look's like he is. He's silent for even longer this time.
"A little."
With out any further words I fetch some of the pain relieving herbs from the medicine cabinet in the kitchen. I sit back down, handing them to him. For the first time since he's been home and mad at me, he smiles gratefully. There's still an edge to it, but it's a smile to say the least.
"I'm sorry." When I finish my words, I realize that I've said 'I'm sorry' too many times since he's been home. I correct myself- "That you're in pain and all." I scratch the back of my neck like I always do when I'm confused.
When I hear him laugh, that's when I remove my gaze from my empty bowl and back to his. It's not like the laugh he gave me while we were arguing, it's his normal, happy laugh. He leans on the table like I am, on his elbows, our heads are just inches apart when he speaks-
"I think I'm the one needing to give an apology." He sighs. "I didn't mean to snap at you. I just had a rough day, missed Linden like crazy…" I smile at those words. "missed you even more…" I grin. "worried about you all. Then I fell. I'm sorry, Katniss."
Before I can say anything again, He crashes our lips together. The kiss is so full of passion that it nearly knocks the air away in my lungs. As our lips kiss over and over again, the taste of the rabbit soup we just ate lingers on our tongues as they move together but the strongest is the taste I love the most… the taste of Gale. The sweet, tang of oranges, combined with the tea he drinks every morning nearly sends me over the edge with pleasure and want. And it's as though Gale steals my next thoughts out of my head- He pulls our lips away-
"We need to move Linden to his room whenever we can." After his words, he rubs my bottom lip with his tongue.
"Yeah." Is my only response.
XX
That night. Linden doesn't make the big move, nor do we discuses it anymore. Without speaking… much, we both agree that it's 'too soon' on several things, including our physical sate. I end up finding myself falling asleep with the sound of Gale's heartbeat in my ear. We all sleep peacefully that night. The best night of sleep for the Hawthorne's house.
XX
One Hour.
Six o'clock in the evening.
Pacing.
It's the only thing I can do to keep myself calm. I remind myself to breath. It's okay, he's just running a little late from working… it's not a big deal. I decide to pour myself a cup of tea, cuddling on the couch with Linden. He'll be home. A break in one of the coal trains. I know he helps load the trains with the coal on Fridays. That's what it is…. He'll be home.
Three Hours.
Eight o'clock at night.
Taping.
My foot won't quit tapping quietly as I sit on the couch, just having tucked Linden in upstairs in his crib. Gale's not home. It's been three hours since he 'got off work' and he's not home. I panic, it's the only thing I can do. My head races with a million and one scenarios and questions- Was there an explosion in the mines? No, we would hear it. Did Airgusta or someone do something to block the mine exits? No, the whole town would know by now. Is Gale hunting, like he sometime's does after work? No, he would have let me known like always.
Than where is Gale?
I panic.
Really panic.
XX
Knock, Knock, Knock.
Hazel throws the door open before I even pull my hand away. I try to make this quick, for the fact that I have a sleeping newborn unattended next door and a missing husband. She begins to put her jacket on, no doubt thinking it's something to do with Linden as I breathlessly explain that Gale isn't home and I need her to watch Linden so I can try to find him. She sighs loudly when I finish-
"Dear, he never came home on time when he lived here and you know he always runs late. He'll be home… I promise sweetheart." I'm I hearing her right? "Go lay down, unless you need help with Linden? Get some rest honey." Her smile is wide but I know she means her words.
Is she really not worried about Gale? About her son that should have been home, going on, four hours ago? I must have caught her with alcohol in her system… but she doesn't drink. She slowly walks me back over to my house, walking me up the stairs, smiling wide as she see's Linden asleep and tucks me into bed. I can't remember the last time someone ever tucked me in. I smile, even though I'm over flowing with both worry and panic for Gale.
"He'll be home soon. That boy never runs on time." She begins to leave. "You know that." She's gone with only a wink.
Am I crazy for worrying where he is at? No? Yes? I'm not sure. If nothing bad has happened, no town emergency, no Airgusta problems, no mine accidents… than he is in control wherever he is at? The next question that I ask myself sends the most unpleasant, spine tingling shiver down my hard, cold spine. I can't help the tear the escapes my eyes-
Is he with another woman?
XX
Five Hours.
Ten o'clock at night.
I'm nearly asleep in bed, done with worrying when I asked myself the chilling question, when I finally hear the front door opening. Before I think, I spring off the bed, not minding to grab my robe as the chilly air hits my bare legs and arms as I run down the stairs. I nearly smack into Gale as my feet hit the last step.
"Hey, Catnip." He says, reaching out to stop my running and folding me into a hug.
Is he really acting this… casual? I feel like punching him in the gut, but I refrain for the moment.
"Where in the fucking hell were you Gale!?" I yell the words into his shirt. He still wears his mining uniform, covered in coal from head to toe still.
Immediately I feel relived… for more than one thing. He's home. He's alive, breathing and I'm in his arms. And another thing hits me, if Gale was with another woman, I highly doubt he would be covered in coal still. Gale has a little more class than that. I cry into his shirt…
"I'm fine. I am so sorry." He kisses the top of my head, stroking my unbraided hair. "Everything's fine." He kisses my head again.
But something's not right. He's hiding something. He's awfully calm for this whole scenario? He's home though, and that's all that matters for this very second.
I don't sleep well that night. After a slight argument about his unknown whereabouts… I don't sleep.
My dreams are scarier than ever.
XX
Alone.
I'm watching myself.
I'm sitting in an open field, my hands crossed over my knees. I'm not looking into the mirror though. This woman, although has my face, hair and body is aged with grace.
She's beautiful.
A tall, broad, dark haired young boy pulls back the strings of his bow, letting the arrow fly into the brush ahead. The woman before me smiles wide.
"Like that ma?" The young boy turns his head around, asking.
"Yes, baby. Stand straighter though." Her voice is my own, only a little more rugged and tired.
The boy nods his head, turning around and doing as instructed. He pulls back the strings again, straightens his back, aims and lets the arrow fly. It notches itself in the bark of the nearby tree.
"Good job, Linden!" The woman shouts again.
I fall to my knees, taking in my surroundings.
Where's Gale in this?
Gasping.
I shoot up, sitting and gasping for a breath of the cold air like I always do.
Nightmare.
That's all.
But it wasn't. It felt so… real. But what dreams or nightmares don't feel real? But it felt realistic, like a vision rather than a dream. Before I can even open my eyes fully into the darkness of the room, I hear him speak-
"You okay?"
Gale's voice rings through my heavy thoughts but takes me back. I open my eyes fully and spot him sitting on the edge of the bed, his head turning to the side to glimpse at me over his shoulder. I immediately think he's up because of Linden, but I see him in his crib, just the tip of his nose. He's asleep. My breath is ragged but I manage the word-
"Nightmare."
He shakes his head, returning his gaze back to his folded hands in front of him. I'm rather taken back that Gale even asked me if I was okay. After arguing before bed, not speaking and sleeping with our backs to each other… I thought it would be next week before we managed to speak to each other. Gale was insistent of not telling me where he was, only making that one chilling question return. After repeatedly asking, I got the same conversation we have had before-
-
"Not everything I do is with you, Katniss." He was angry as he slammed the glass of water on the kitchen counter.
"I was worried sick, Gale! You have a family now! You can't just go around, doing… whatever the fuck you were doing and not think I'm going to panic. Especially when you won't tell me where the hell you were!?" I ignore the fact of my strong language as I step closer to him, holding back a tear. "Why won't you tell me, Gale?"
I ask the question, lowering my voice and letting a lone, silent tear fall down my cheek. He goes to wipe it away, but affection is the least I want from him at this very moment. I want answers. I would almost say I see hurt in his eyes… but the hurt is no match to the aching pain I feel in my heart as I watch my own husband hide something in front of my own eyes. Shaking my head does nothing to speed his answer up, he finally decides to answer after moments of silence-
"Katniss-"
Anger.
It over takes my body, my emotions… my soul before anything else courses through me. I spin on my heels, making a beeline for the stairs but something tugs me back. Gale reaches out, grasping tightly to my arm and pulling me back towards him, nearly throwing myself in front of him. It's done with gentleness but with the tone arms that he has, it still sends a cold shiver down my spin and the tiniest of pain through my arm. He keeps his grip there, scared I'll try to remove myself from the scene we are in.
"Do you trust me?" The question is asked with such seriousness that it takes away my urge to burst out in laughter. It's asked with anger.
Is he really asking me this question right now? Do I actually, currently, trust the man who won't tell me where he was for a full five hours? But this isn't this first time that he has asked me this same question. He has asked me on several occasions, even before our marriage… before our, true friendship. The answer was always an easy, 'yes', without any doubts. I had always meant those words, I'm not one to lie to him… most of the time. But I would never lie to Gale about such a serious question as about trust. I was always taught that after trust come's obedience. To obey someone, to fully take their helpful advice or to even put your own life in their hands with the line of obedience, you have to trust them. You can't truly obey someone that you don't fully, one hundred percent don't trust. I was also told that lying is a one way ticket to hell, although it was only meant more of a 'joke' than a serious thing. But I realize I did disobey Gale today. Did I not trust him when, obviously, he thought a newborn wouldn't be safe in the woods? Even though he had slipped the sentence rather quickly into the note, he still meant his words. So had I disobeyed him and therefore not trusting him? Or, trusting him fully? Of course I trust Gale… but it's hard to in this type of situation. I decide here and now, with no baby bump, pregnancy hormones or mood swings to let him have the truthful answer. I take a deep breath-
"No, Gale. Sometimes… I don't."
The amount of pain that flashes in his eyes floods me with guilt. I ignore the feeling. The feeling of pain is only mutual right now. Unlike Gale is currently doing to me, I'm not lying or hiding from what I'm feeling or the truthful answers. If he want's to know something, by all means he should know. Maybe with honesty from this side of the pawn, he'll be honest from his side and tell me where he was. When seconds go by of silence, I yank my hand away, finding the most dirtiest look I can shoot back in his blood shot face. I race up the stairs, throwing myself under the covers and crying myself to sleep.
What should I expect now from a husband that won't tell me the truth?
I snap back into reality when I feel the cold shiver of the dream, or nightmare, I had race through my veins. Is it normal for the room to be spinning? I assume it is as I lay back down on my back, trying my best to ignore the fact that there's obviously a awake, distraught Gale sitting on the edge of the bed. Is our conversation and argument really bothering him? If it needs to be keeping anything or anybody awake and thinking, it needs to be me. I move my head to the side and squint through the darkened room to him. His head hangs low between his slumped shoulders as he twiddles his thumbs. His elbows are resting effortlessly on his large knees. Should I say something? It's as though he knows that I'm awake behind him, staring at him… like I am-
"Were going to the church on Sunday morning." His voice is quiet and low, both to keep Linden asleep and for his attitude. He keeps his head down, hiding his face from me.
Church?
Gale is obviously mentioning the old, local, 'District 12 Community Church' on the far side of town. It's a building that barley gets passed in town, being where the wealthier people live. Supposedly, it's busy on the mornings of service. It's not a new place, or a building I have never been in before. Before my fathers death, Sunday mornings were solely spent in that church building, listening to some older, scruffy looking man, trying to look and dress nice while speaking of some 'higher power' or being. I had never really paid attention as I sat between my father and a tiny Prim, I only liked to the few songs we would sing before the man approached the awkward, rusted stage. But I haven't been to that place since. Barley thought of the old, runned down building since the passing of my father. I can't say I've never thought of the place on my own. After his passing, I wanted to try to make everything seem as normal as I could for Prim… which was no easy task. But when I had discovered that hunting was the only thing that would keep our, now little, family going… Sunday mornings were spent in the woods for me. I didn't have time to take Prim there, nor did I honestly want to walk back into that building without my father's steady hand holding my own.
But now I am I really going to have to go back in there? Nearly six years later?… With my own family? For a second I am beyond taken back. Is Gale being serious? He must be joking? Whatever he must have done, must be something pretty bad. Bad enough that he wants or… needs to go to Church. I silently shake my head for answer to Gale's mention about Church, even though he can't see me.
I fall rather quickly back asleep. My nightmares being replaced with flash backs of Sunday mornings with my father.
XX
That Saturday morning is quiet. Over breakfast they is no talk between us, only baby talk between Linden and ourselves. Even though I'm confused at whatever I feel towards Gale at this moment, I still find myself smiling at him as he wonders and talks to Linden while I pour ourselves some tea.
I really don't know how I feel towards him. Is there anger still? Yes, he still hasn't told me where he was. So yeah, I guess there's a little anger. Hurt? A little maybe. Hurt that again, he won't tell me and rather hide this. Confusion? Yes. Lot's of that. Lot's of reasons for that too. It's only after we have settled in the living room, watching the morning Panem news that they are being willing to show us, do I notice something that strikes me. I'm nestled in the chair, Gale and Linden cuddling on the couch when this happened. The brightly colored Capitol news anchor finishes up her story on wheat shortages in the Capitol and moves on to "Airgusta News". It has made so much news recently, that it's really no surprise that are television's are working more and more with all this. I usually don't pay attention, to overwhelmed with the idea of a war that could "take place any day". But this morning, I do find myself listening as the woman goes on to mention the "District Volunteer Recruits" held meetings in each District last night. I don't pay attention that much but only silently shake my head as I remember Gale was so willingly wanting to do that before we had Linden. I'm about to get up, ready to put my empty mug into the kitchen sink when I find myself easing back down at the woman's next words-
"Both District 8 and 12 held over four meetings as they delegated Military rights and positions to each other…"
That's when it officially strikes. The odd shiver that I am all to familiar with returns down my spine and I nearly drop my mug on the floor. The room isn't silent though… Gale speaks immediately
"That's not where I was at." He says. Cold and harsher than ever.
Should I trust him? Do I trust him?
No… I don't.
He must be lying. . . . . . .
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DISCLAIMER: By mentioning and bringing in the talk of "Church", I am in no way forcing, talking or trying to pursade any type of religon.