No Sad Goodbye's

by sunshineandsunflowers

Katniss has finally done something she never thought she'd ever do, she married her best friend Gale. Follow the story of how Katniss accepts the changes and rough roads of marriage and family. And will a series of certain event's, with one in particular, change the feelings she has for her now Husband Gale, or will true love be stronger? (**SEQUEL to Finding The Time, NO games**)

35. Chapter 35

A/N - Hello my dear readers, I am beyond sorry for the week(?), over a week(?) delay I had to put on this but... Chapter 35 is HERE! God bless me... lol. On top of being so busy lately and not having as much free time to write, this story is also getting more difficult to write as it begins to take some "sharp" turns. Now, this Chapter isn't quite as long as some of my latest ones but you will understand. This Chapter, like you will see, will hopefully answer so many of your (and Katniss') unanswered questions. This conversation in this Chpt. between Gale and Katniss was one of the hardest things I have had to write, not only with trying to answer those questions but also keeping both of them in original S. C. character. Hopefully none of this will confuse you.. I had to kind of go back and scratch my head at a few things...

THANK YOU TO: Catapapalilarar X3, ImaginationStation00, Firework7, BellaBear9898, twlightbella, Lemon-Drop24, Ariel Aysu, MadHatter0542 and GingerDivergentShawdowhunter for reviewing Chapter 34! EACH review means so much to me... honestly! I LOVE hearing from you guys. Firework7 - Don't worry ;) my family think's I'm nuts.. welcome to the club ;). Lemon-Drop24 - I know, I think Katniss has a playful side like that that even she didn't know too much before Gale ;). Ariel Aysu -You are most welcome :). MadHatter0542 - Haha, let me just tell you, I squeal a little when I get a email notification saying that you have reviewed... they always bring a grin to my face! THANK YOU TO ALL WHO REVIEWED ! ! !

I love you guys... honestly! Ahh, make's me feel so special and like I'm not just writing this story for my own enjoyment. Well.. Can you believe.. the next Chapter is THE LAST until the Epilogue? Try not to get too sad because remember, I am planning on a third installment right now. Now, that last Chapter (being 36) should be up February 18th OR February 20th. Again, please keep check with the Facebook page for when delays happen, they keep you up to date. *PLEASE feel free to REVIEW this Chapter.. I have a feeling you guys will have a lot to say :D! Well, enjoy my readers! - Macayla

I unoffically call this chapter: "Hero"

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Confusion.

Pain.

Hurt.

Anger…

Confusion.

It's the only amount of emotion that I can sense, but somehow, all those emotions do not seem enough to match what has (and really, is) happening. One second he's beside me, pleasuring me again and the next he's… gone.

"I'll be back tomorrow morning…"

The next question that courses my confused mind nearly sends me running to the bathroom with the feeling of being nauseous-

Will he be back?

Is he seeing someone else, finally taking the opportunity to get up and leave with whoever the person could be? Somehow, I have the answer and I don't need him to confirm it to me…

No.

Gale is not seeing someone else. The way he made love to me last night, the way he held and caressed me… the way he told me that he loved me… There is no way he is seeing someone else. So I assume the real question is, what the hell is going on then? Confusion and anger. That's what I feel. But still, the question that makes my heart sink to the floor is still is eligible-

Will he be back?

Finally, I can't take it no more. I run into the bathroom and puke up last nights supper into the toilet. All of it until I'm dry heaving. Gale would never leave me alone with two families to take care of and a newborn… or would he? No? Yes? I dry heave all over again, but only bitter tasting, yellow fluid makes any appearance. Afterwards, I brush my teeth but my throat is on fire… but I don't care. At the thought that Gale may never come home again and the pure confusion of 'where did he go?', I know I must seek comfort. I don't care who from and where from, but I need someone's arms around me, telling me everything will be fine. Reassuring.

As I pull on a pair of black trousers and a dark green shirt (and my boots), my heart begins to ach. Two pains for two complete separate people. First I register the pain for my son and I know that I have no option but to get Linden from next door. And the second pain I register is for someone else….

Gale.

I'm beginning to long for him, to ach. Maybe I would feel better if he had played it off cool. Not rushing in his movements, giving me more affection and explaining why he won't be home tonight…. That he won't be home until tomorrow. Something so unusual for Gale. What about the mines? He has work tomorrow. He left me with so many unanswered questions and that's why I'm aching. That's why I need comfort.

I finish braiding my hair, grab my bag off the hook and walk swiftly to Hazel's next door. Once I'm in, she easily hands me a half asleep Linden and the over night bag Gale must have gave her for him-

"He was perfect dear, sweet as an angle and slept pretty good." She informs me, I see her move her gaze to me instead of Linden. "I just changed his diap- Oh dear! What is wrong?"

All of a sudden, her expression from sweet and gentle Hazel turns urgently. How can she read me so well? Does she have no idea that her son up and left for a whole day, with absolutely no explanation? I assume not. But how does she know something is wrong? She must read my mind, too-

"Your face is all red…" Her gaze drops to take in my body.

I let my own gaze drop down and realize exactly where she could think something is wrong. My hunting boots, to start with, are mostly slapped on rather than put on. The laces on the right boot are barely laced and the laces on the left boot are loose. My pants are fine, but my shirt is thrown on. Being a shirt that is far too big for my frame and one that I can't remember the last time I've worn it, outside of wearing it as a house shirt to do cleaning with. Hazel's next reaction shocks me, completely. She begins to laugh, lightly but in obvious amusement-

"Sweetheart, you had nothing to worry about. He was fine," She smiles wide. "You know I would have came and gotten you if something went wrong." I'm confused but only briefly. "Motherly instinct." She adds, brushing the messy braid behind my shoulder.

So that's why she thinks I'm dressed and look this way, because I was urgent to get my son back. I try for a small smile, avoiding eye contact. It works somewhat, and I shake my head in reply. Lying by confirming her assumption. My next words shock me as well, I came here for my son and comfort, but I will only be leaving with one-

"I… I have to go." I stutter briefly, nod my head and make my way to the door.

"Okay, hon." She answers sweetly, opening the front door for me. Her next words before she shuts the door makes my knees go weak-

"Tell Gale I said good morning."

XX

I really have no idea where I'm going.

Not home.

I stop at one of the old benches that line the outside of town, seeing that… Gale had packed Linden's little pooch that we use to strap him to us. I put him in it, put it on me and make sure he's supported before collecting the bag and walking into the town and square. I know I must look like a train wreck, but I don't really care. I don't care at all. I need that comfort from somebody but again, I have no idea where I'm going. Or even, who I want to comfort me.

It's a Sunday already, so the square is not quite as busy as usual. I can't help but to over hear people talk about the war and Airagusta as I weave my way through the crowd and people-

"Wonder what they are gonna' do about the games?"

"Reaping's next month!"

"Yeah, but it's only with Victors. They could postpone it."

"Na, Only make more unrest."

"Were all going to die from it anyway."

Comments are passed between people and they all don't help in my already unsettled, unease. It only confirms I need more comfort. But from who? I don't have many people I go to talk to. Maybe Prim? No, she's too young to talk about marriage and trust problems… and war and fear. I need someone who knows how to make a good laugh at the right time, someone who will understand, though, what I'm talking about, and where I'm coming from.

Instantly, I know exactly who I need to see.

XX

"Fancy seeing you here." He says to me as he steps aside, letting me into his home.

I've always loved Darius' house, to a extinct. The colors and furniture are always warm, but the pictures he has hanging of his missing wife and the unused nursery that I know lies upstairs, it has a sense of loneliness that make's me feel pity toward him. He's always bubbly, warm and inviting though, despite his past troubles (and current). I knew that without a doubt, he would be the person I needed to talk to. Maybe he would even know where Gale is? Possibly?

He leads me to the living room couch, taking the alert Linden from his place on the front side of me without even asking. Linden gurgles and wiggles in his grasp, but he instantly sooths him by lifting up to his eye level, making sweet noises and a wide smiled face toward him. I can't help but too think he would have been an excellent father to his unborn baby. But I've had (and having) enough heart ach for one day. I can only bare the burdens of my current troubles.

"So, what brings you here?" He asks causally, taking a seat on the other end of the couch and keeping his eyes to the baby in his arms.

I stutter, hesitating for words. How am I supposed to start this conversation, though? Was I stupid for thinking I could talk to him, without him thinking I'm some nutcase, and be all Jim-Dandy afterwards? I wish I could take back the past five minutes of my actions. I should have just gone home. I realize that at Darius' next words, he doesn't even look up from Linden-

"What's wrong, Katniss?" He asks, sounding so unlike himself. I've only heard this soft, quiet voice once before, when he was sharing about his missing wife and child.

"It's… nothing really." My voice gives way and I whisper the words.

"I may not be able to read you like Gale but-"

Suddenly, from the corner of my dropped gaze I see him urgently look up at me, mouth still open with his unsaid words. It takes me a few seconds but once my gaze meet his, I know that I made some kind of sound, gasp at the name of my husband. It's confirmed with Darius' next words-

"It's Gale… isn't it?" He asks. I shake my head 'yes' in answer.

Maybe I've come to Darius with Gale and I's problems, but if I have, I honestly don't remember. It seems like such an eternity. Everyday from the one before seems like an eternity to me. Like a year can pass in one day. Since Linden has been born, anyway. It's silent for a while, and I'm beginning to think that Darius doesn't know what to say either, but somehow I find words and they find their way past my lips-

"Did you ever need a break from your wife? When she was alive?" I instantly regret my question, hoping that I did not cross a line between civil and comfortable, acceptable conversation.

If it fazes him, he doesn't necessarily show it. I hated asking the question, but I want to know the answer. On my way here, I had came to a thought that maybe Gale is getting tired of me? That last night, he tried to confirm to himself that he needed me, but only realized he needed a break from me.

Am I a bad wife?

I want to ask that question next to Darius, but I know he will not have the honest answer to that question… only I will. The silence is broken though when he finally answers my first question, and it hurts-

"No."

There it is. The, no doubt, honest answer from him. He loved his wife and never needed a break from her. But…

"Did you ever want a break?" I ask, fiddling my thumbs together in my lap. He answers right away and urgently but quiet.

"No." He repeats the one word but quickly adds more, after a loud sigh. "Are you wanting… needing a break from Gale?" He asks. My heart sinks yet again.

"No!" I blurt urgently. "Of course not!" I finally let my gaze set on his once again. I pause for a long time before adding more heart breaking words. "I think he wants a break from me." I say so quietly that I'm unsure if he heard me, but he did.

"I'm sure he doesn't, Katn-"

"But he does!… He has, Darius!" I hold in tears and confusion registers on his pale face. "He got up and left this morning! Said he wasn't going to be back until tomorrow." I drop my gaze and my face begins to quirk up, knowing tears will soon follow.

Darius is quiet for a bit while I try to control my emotions. I'm a little surprised, that he's not wanting to comfort me right away, tell me everything is a-o-kay. But I know him, no doubt he's trying to think of some appropriate joke to ease the tension. He opens his mouth but closes it. Searching for words. His gaze drops back to Linden, and I begin to think he'll never speak until I get up and leave. I'm wrong though-

"He loves you, Katniss. Deeply."

"But-"

"There is no 'but'." He looks back at me now. "He loves you and your son with all his heart."

All his heart.

XX

I stalk back home.

Somewhat comforted by Darius words but not completely. Maybe I had thought I would feel differently after getting those words off of my chest, and in return getting words that I wanted to hear. But Darius indeed told me things that I did not want to hear… but not entirely. He was right, guys do get tired of their wives, divorce them angrily and move on from them like they don't exists and never did. But… He said that this was not the case with Gale. That no one in District Twelve could doubt the love he has for me. He told me not to worry, that Gale has a plan in whatever actions he is doing. After I had mentioned how I don't want to go back home, Darius relieved the tension with his joking nature and ultimately, coaxed me into going home.

I arrive home, with still the same mixed emotions. But they feel… sorted. Like I can still get some sleep tonight, even though I have no idea to what's going on to the person I'm in love with. The father to my son. My hunting partner… my husband.

I walk into the kitchen, still met with the unclean dishes from last night. I think of Gale's words when I tried to do them. 'They can wait until morning'. I hold in my sarcastic comments and begin cleaning them, Linden still strapped to me. Everything hurts this morning, especially when I look down at my relaxed son, seeing the spit image of his father. I shutter and stop doing the dishes, rather having no energy to do nothing or anything. The house feels empty, lonely. Gale's deep voice always fills the house on the days that he is home. Instead, It feels dead.

Cold.

I remove Linden from me and take him in the nursery to be fed. He gulps the milk from me with ease now, being use to it. We're both use to it, and I've learned to enjoy the closeness with my son during this part(s) of the day. My mind carelessly wonders to the future, a dark one where Gale doesn't come home. I'm left with doing the job I had when I was eleven, all by myself. I snap back into reality, but it really doesn't feel much different from the day-dream state of reality.

After Linden is fed and tucked into his crib, I slowly make my way upstairs. Slowly because of the pure weakness I feel in my arms and legs. The bed is still unmade. The sheets are still tangled from our actions last night. It makes my heart hurt, but I'm quickly forced to shake my head of my thoughts yet again. I stalk around the room, opening the window a bit wider for the breeze to pick up. I straighten the pins and hair supplies I have on my dresser. I go around the room, straightening and cleaning with the corner of my shirt the picture I have of my father on my nightstand, pick up the dirty socks I left on the floor from a few days ago, finally shake out and tuck in the bed sheets back into place and lastly I'm faced with the only untouched/unstraightned place in the room. Gale's dresser. Knowing that it's his and his current missing, It doesn't stop me in the least from approaching it. I begin straightening the few items he has on the top, collecting and disposing the few bits of trash that is left. I'm technically done but something keeps me in place. Before I'm fully aware of it, my hands are moving to open the first drawer in his dresser. Gale and I have never spoken about it, but we've never touched each others personal belongs, or invaded the spaces that they lye in. I open it though, expecting it to have possible answers to his actions. But I'm wrong, I'm only met with undergarments and a few pairs of faded socks. I sigh angrily and push the drawer back in quickly, making a loud echoing sound as it closes. The anger takes me fully and I open the next one. It's the same, almost. Only several pairs of shirts and more faded socks. I'm about to close it the same way, angrily, when I see something peeking out beneath the pairs of shirts. It looks to be some type of light blue, thin material and I assume it's another shirt… but something tells me it's not. I move the stuff off of it and pick up, what is, paper. They're… blueprints.

Blueprints?

Handwritten. One thing I am most familiar with about Gale, is his handwriting. And this is no doubt written by him. But what is this… odd sketch and numbers? It takes me seconds, minutes and I'm finally turning the piece of paper around 360 for what must be the twentieth time when it hits me… hard.

They're bombs.

XX

"Here's another towel." I hand it to Prim who's assisting me with finally cleaning the dishes from last night.

I had just enough time to throw the blueprint back into the drawer when there was a knock at the door. It didn't surprise me that it was Prim, but to be honest, I didn't want it to be her. I don't want her knowing that Gale left this morning, and I most certainly don't want her knowing how I'm overreacting about the whole situation.

"Thanks." She answers to me, throwing aside the too damp towel and moving on to dry the next dish I pass to her. "So, where is Gale?" She asks causally, relaxing her shoulders as she goes to work on the current dish in her hand.

I'm a horrible liar and acting isn't my type of talent, but I do my hardest to pull on the most dashing smile I can conquer up. I laugh a little and only briefly, a flirting laugh-

"At Thom's." I speak, instantly gasping. I lied yes, but there's no way to believe that lie… There's silence for a few seconds.

"He's dead, Katniss." She speaks softly and whispering, only stopping briefly from drying the plate and then resuming her work.

"I mean, at Darius'!" I begin laughing, like I causally got the names mixed up. My laugh weakens out though and I cough to cover it up.

I'm not really sure if she's buying into it, at all. Out of the sake of uncertainty, I don't move my gaze to her. I don't want her to think I'm trying to cover up something.

"Oh." She responds with a shrug.

Maybe I'm not as a bad lair as I thought?

XX

Another wave of lightning courses through the darkened house and I fight viscously with trying to close the open living room window. I get pounded with large drops of rain as they find themselves coming through. Somehow, the latch is stuck and I'm fighting with trying to get it down. I'm shivering and cold, soaked to the bone and through the layers of my nightgown, but I have no option but to continue. If I leave it and it keeps on pouring like it is, the whole living room will be flooded by morning and the few pieces of furniture will be ruined. More lightning cracks and the room grows darker with the rain water blowing out the candles. I begin protesting with huffs when-

"Need some help?"

I turn, no, whip around. Looking for anything in my reach to throw at the intruder. Burglaries are common here in Twelve. But the dark shadowed, tall person standing in front of me in no intruder. My next word is spoken in a whisper, barely able to be heard over the rain and lightning-

"Gale."

XX

He looks absolutely no different then this morning. Although the room is barely lit, he still seems to be wearing the same clothes. Not using the few that he packed. But why is he back? He said tomorrow morning. I'm honestly left with no words, no emotions and no energy to still try closing the window that is now leaving me completely soaked. My unbraided hair sticks to my forehead and shoulders, completely wet. Gale raises his eyebrows waiting for me to answer. His lips are set in a small smile. A warm one, as though he this morning never happened. Within the growing silence, he moves toward me. Quickly kissing me (which I don't have the time or energy to return), and moving behind me. Taking him only a few seconds to slam the window closed loudly. I shiver immediately, the absence of more rain water. I feel Gale behind me, staring at me, but I don't turn around. I don't say anything. But he breaks the silence once again-

"You're cold. And wet." He speaks softly and deeply. All I can think of is those blueprints of bombs, written and drawn with his delicate handwriting and why the hell are they there?

I feel his hand brush one of mine, not waiting for me to grab hold but only clutches my wrist. He begins leading me to the stairs and I somehow apply. I don't know why I'm not speaking, maybe out of shock. I'm so confused I nearly loose my balance on the stairs, but Gale doesn't catch my movement. I assume, for the moment, I have turned into some mental Avox. Although, there are so many unanswered questions I want to ask… but I don't.

He quietly leads me to my dresser, pulling out the drawer that holds my night clothes. I can't help but to think I did the same thing to his drawer, but not to help him like his obvious intentions are with me, but instead to snoop on him.

Do I feel guilty for that?

Maybe.

He pulls out another similar nightgown and thin robe, placing them on top. He grabs the large, black clip I use to occasionally put my hair up in, taking my soaked hair and pulling it into a bun at the back of my head. He uses the large clip to keep my hair in place. In the mirror, it's dripping wet and messy but it makes me feel a bit warmer. Next he steps behind me, pulling the wet robe off my shoulders and down my arms, dropping it on the floor. During his actions he's completely silent, not speaking a word. All I am left in is my small nightgown. He takes the thin straps that lie on my shoulder and pulls them down. Through the mirror he looks at me, as though asking permission to remove the remaining clothes from me. I don't shake my head or nothing but he continues, pulling it down over my chest and bottom. As I go to step out of it, I trip on a small puddle of water. I start to tumble to the grown but he catches me instantly, springing me back into a standing position.

"Careful, Catnip."

Are his only words as he throws the soaked nightgown with the rest of the pile. He slowly but somehow efficiently helps me dress into the dry, warmer night clothes. I'm not sure if he did this on purpose, but the new robe is much thicker and denser. I feel immediate warmth as he pulls it over my shoulders, stepping to the front to tie it off. He only leaves me for a second, retrieving the blanket on the end of the bed and wrapping it around my shoulders. I haven't spoken once, nor do I want to. I know there is something that Gale is not telling me… obviously, and a lot of stuff he's not telling me. But it's beginning to break my heart more that it's taking a toll on our marriage… and he's not trying to fix that. But was that the explanation for his pleasurable plans last night? Or is that still my earlier assumption?

Too many questions.

Not enough answers.

Once Gale is obviously pleased with making me warm and dry again, he steps in front of me. I allow his actions as his eyes roam over my body. The coldness I had felt returns, but it feels different. Not a physical cold, a mental cold.

Too cold.

When Gale's eyes finally meet mine, I look away quickly and over to the corner where I know my baby is sleeping. I suppose Gale is waiting for me to say something, break the ice so to say. But I remain silent. I wish I had the words to speak but I don't. I want to hear the answers from his lips, without myself having to ask them. I want him to explain why there is blueprints of deadly missiles, handwritten by himself. I want him to explain why he's been gone so much lately. And why he ups and leaves with no explanation, leaving me with a newborn baby and no answers.

I want those answers.

I know that he's growing inpatient in front of me. The whole situation seems like a stand-off, growing more and more awkward by the second. Finally, words break the silence and they're not mine-

"We, ah-" He stutters. "We should go downstairs…" He pauses for a few seconds. "… and talk."

Yes, I think to myself. But I'm not doing the talking. Without answering and making any type of acknowledgment, I walk past him, slowly taking each stair at a time. I hear him directly behind me. I contemplate the living room or the kitchen for our (his) conversation, but I decide on the kitchen. Holding in a sarcastic laugh as I think to myself that most of our 'important conversations' have taken place in a kitchen at some point or another. As I turn around though, he's heading into the living room-

"In here."

I follow him, holding in, yet again, more sarcastic thoughts and comments. I make my way to the couch but before I can, his arms fold around me, his head buried in my neck and shoulder. My arms remain stiff at my side though. I do not want no affection from Gale, and I don't feel like giving anymore. He raises his head, but leaves his arms around me. Through our closeness, I can see every detail of his face.

"I need to talk to you about stuff, but I need you to listen." He has my attention. "Without interrupting, Katniss."

You got it, I think to myself. But I don't voice it. I only drop my gaze, shaking my head shyly. I want answers,

And I'm finally going to get them.

XX

He slowly lowers me with him onto the couch, but not like he did last night. He lets go of my wrist and I realize the few good inches in between us. I'm thankful that he didn't try to pull me onto his lap, or tried to fold his arms around my waist. Because if he had, I'm sure I would have called him every fowl name in the English language (and more). He takes a few deep breaths and although my gaze is set to the floor, I realize from the corner of my eyes that his gaze is completely set on me. Trained on me.

"I… I guess I should start from the beginning." He mutters quietly.

He honestly has my full attention. But by 'beginning'… what does he mean? More questions.

"Before we had married…" There's the answer I assume. "… before my father even died, I knew I wanted to do something in my life that mattered, that made a difference." I have no idea where Gale is going with this, but I listen. "I never wanted, and don't want to be a person who just watches. But I was only a child, and young. Then I met you and fell in love."

He better not be trying to 'butter' me up. But I still listen intently, wishing he'd put a little speed into his speech he's giving. He sounds shaky though… scared.

"And instantly…" He goes on. "I knew I would do anything and everything, Katniss, to protect you. You weren't like those other girls I would sleep around with. You meant something to me. You helped me survive just as much as I helped you-"

"We helped each other." I speak, completely horse. I didn't expect the words to come out, but they did. I think that he may not have understood, out of the hoarseness in my voice. But by his small smile, he did.

"Yes," He laughs a little. "We helped each other." He repeats. "But, I always felt like I had to swoon you over, even after we married."

I finally allow my gaze to move to his heavy, 'trained-on-me' gaze. Does he honestly think I didn't love him when I agreed to marry him? And that I needed him to prove his love to me? I find myself with more and more unanswered questions, but they are quickly getting answered.

"You know I love y-"

"I know you do." He cuts me off. "And I knew you did, but it didn't feel that way at first." I'm a bit confused but I remain silent as he goes on. "I saw how much you loved Prim and how she was the center of your world. I just…" He stutters.

Gale is never, ever been one to open up and talk about emotions… neither have I. Before our relationship turned romantic, and we would spend our best days in the woods together, I could always tell when something was bothering him. No doubt missing his father or worrying about feeding his family, or worrying about an ill sibling… but he would never talk about any of it. Instead, he would show me a silent, peaceful Gale. So in a away, I'm currently seeing a side of Gale I've rarely seen before. Possibly, never even have seen before. I keep my promise though and don't interrupt him as he finishes his stuttering and continues to speak-

"…I just, I wanted you to love me like that. Whole heartedly and no regrets." I keep my mouth close, although I want to speak my unspoken words. "So…"

He begins to take such a long pause in his next words that I worry he's done talking. That he's realized his rare actions and wants to retreat from me. Wishing this conversation isn't and never happened. But yet again, he goes on after nearly a minute of silence-

"When all the threats from Airagusta came out, and how they were recruiting for the Military, all the guys in the Mines were signing up…" I sit up to listen more intently. "… talking about how much their wives were going to love them. That they'd be hero's to them."

My heart begins to sink deeper and deeper into my stomach. Where in the world is he going with all of this? I want to tell him that all his past assumptions about my love for him are completely wrong. But I'm afraid that if I speak, too much, that he will stop speaking. So I remain silent again-

"So… I did it. Especially when I found out, that as a token of appreciation, they were allowing one person from your family, deemed safe for the rest of their lives from the Games."

Without control, my eyebrows raise out of curiosity. The Capitol never, ever, rarely gives out these type of gifts and gestures. They would never take a dime away from their precious entertainment. The sweeter it sounds for us, the more bitter it is for them. I want to tell Gale how stupid he was for thinking they would do that but… Gale isn't stupid. I shift on the couch as he voice fills the room again.

"So.. I did it. I was going to use the…" He stutters for words. "…gift on Prim. I knew that nothing would make you happier than knowing you never have to worry about her being Reaped." He is right. "So I rushed home. Told you and didn't get the reaction I thought I'd get."

Instantly my mind wonders to that very conversation. And even though that whole day was hazy, being the day I found out about our son, I remember nearly the whole conversation-

"Katniss, District two is wanting to recruit new soldiers to fight against Airagusta. I signed my name up."

"Why in the hell would you do that?"

"Katniss, you know the threats are only getting worse and more often…"

"Gale, you need to stay out of that."

I indeed did not give him the response or reaction he was hoping for. Instead, I called him stupid and told him I was pregnant. If anything, I gave Gale the exact opposite reaction he was hoping for. Now I understand why there was so much hurt in his eyes that night. But from Gale's word's so far, and as shocking as the words are to me, he was for once wrong. I could never go on happy knowing that he's putting his life so freely out there to be killed, especially for the evil Capitol itself. Even though Prim would be safe, the pain I would be filled with if I lost Gale would be just as painful as Prim being reaped. I don't voice any of this to him, although, I'm sure I need to. Instead I take a deep breath and wait for more words from him. It's not long before I get my wish-

"Then…" He pauses long and hard, moving his gaze to the stairs behind me. To where our son is sleeping. I voice the next words, quietly-

"Linden." I speak the only word, crossing my arms and watching Gale's face.

He shakes his head, sighing deeply. He keeps his gaze on those stairs at his next softly spoken words.

"I knew, that if I left and fought… that you'd never forgive me," He says. "For leaving you with him."

I shake my head instantly, getting his gaze back to me. Since this whole conversation, Gale hasn't said anything more true than his previous statement. It's not technically that Gale would leave me alone with a newborn baby that would upset me so much, it's that he'd leave me, knowing he might not ever return. I will refuse to ever tell my son about his father through words… like I've had to do some to Prim, or like I've seen Hazel do to Posy. My son will know his father and that's that. If Gale is waiting for me to speak, he doesn't show it. He goes right back into talking after a short pause. But there's something different in his voice this time, it's nearly… quivering?

"So… the next day I marched back into the Justice Building asking to see General Miles…" I sit up even more, hanging on to every word. "I asked him if I could take my name off the list… but…"

He stops, drops his gaze and anger over takes his face. His large, delicate hands that rest in his lap begin to make fists. His face getting redder and redder with every passing second. Soon I realize my own notch, my own twisting stomach within me. Gale's trying to say something to me, something heartbreaking but I'm too overwhelmed to catch it yet. I find myself scooting closer to him, resting my hand gently on his arm. Silently telling him to continue, no matter how much I don't want to hear these next words. He starts shaking his head slightly again and his next words are so quiet and his voice is so hoarse that I lean closer to hear-

"He… he said no."

XX

I don't feel any immediate emotions. Instead, I feel paralyzed, stunned at what his words entail. Somehow the one little answer answers so many of those unanswered questions I have had. Not all, but most. But why would Gale hide it from me? I drop my gaze and feel an emptiness in the bottom of my stomach. I'm aware that my heart rate must be above normal. The room is silent though, the rain and thunder outside ceasing. All I can hear is my own heart beat, pounding in my ears. My heavy breathing mixing it with it too. I feel weight lifting off the couch and I watch as Gale stands, pacing the room back and forth quietly and slowly. He relaxes his hands but they form fists yet again at his side. I need to hear more from him though, I need him to tell me what we are both thinking. I get my wish before I'm even prepared-

"I hide it to protect you, Katniss." He says. "I knew how carrying Linden was already making you uneasy and I didn't want to add anything else to worry about."

"So instead you let me worry about why you were out late all the time?" I ask the question nearly coldly, but I find myself not mad at him. He pauses before answering.

"No. I… I just thought it was best." He answers pleadingly. "Prim said I-"

"She knows?" I blurt out the question before he can finish, shooting my gaze to his large stand in the middle of the room.

Prim knew he was signed on to all of this? She hid it from me too? Told him to hide it from me? Gale pauses even longer before talking again, but I get the answer eventually-

"Yeah." He replies breathlessly. "But don't blame her, Katniss." He adds pleadingly again. "If you're going to be mad, be mad at me. It was my decision."

"I'm not mad." I reply quickly and completely truthful.

I'm not anywhere near mad, upset, angry. I'm hurt. But not like I have been, not like the hurt I've had that has been so mixed in with anger that it has become so unlike myself. I'm just simply hurt, saddened. I've never shared a type of relationship like I have and had with Gale. Where I was an open book. Not even to Prim. Before things became romantic and even after they did, the relationship I have with Gale is unlike any other. The connection I have to him is one that I've never experienced, and I thought was could tell each other anything no matter what.

But I was wrong.

So there's no anger.

Only hurt.

XX

Gale doesn't respond to me voicing that I'm not mad… not right away. It make's him stop pacing. It's when I move my gaze back to him again that he finally speaks-

"I never saw you as happy as when you first held Linden." He goes on, ignoring my previous comment. "I didn't want to ruin that, Katniss." He sits down, taking my hand into both of his large ones. Rubbing it gently. "That day was so painful for me, to know I have to leave soon."

At his words, I am reminded about the two trains that leave this week for the Capitol Base. I've never felt the pain like I have now, knowing Gale will be on one of those. I don't want to know which train he will take, meaning when will he leave. I pray, plead to whoever I need to that it's not the train that leaves in the morning. I've never felt this nervous in my entire life, and I have been through five reapings.

If I'm not mistaken, Gale knows what question is in my mind. I'm not sure if he doesn't tell me yet for my sake or for his own. But no matter what we both feel, the answer comes anyways.

"Wednesday."

He says the one word as though it might spark a bomb, a nuclear explosion and kill us all. His grip tightens on my hand so tight that I can feel his own pulse, racing just as fast and hard as my own. He undoes one of his hands, running it though his messy, dark hair.

"I'm sorry, Katniss. I'm so, so sorry-" I want to interrupt but I don't. "I screwed up. I messed up." He pauses. "I failed." He adds, though gritted teeth.

"You didn't fail." I speak quickly and truthfully. I don't even have time to think but he answers back.

"I did. I thought you would think of me as your hero but I've never been more wrong." He speaks quietly. He takes only a few seconds before I reply.

"You were always my hero." I answer, watching as our fingers interlace with each others. He goes to speak but I cut him off. "I just didn't show it. But you always were, Gale."

The words are true. I can never bring myself to think of a world where I never met Gale. He was more than a hunting partner from the first second we met. He showed me that I could smile after my fathers death, that I could go on, move on and be happy with myself again… and that was when we were only friends. And as silly as this sounds, when I thought hugs were awkward between us because I was a girl and he was a boy. He was always my hero for that, for showing me happiness. It takes me several minutes, but I voice all of these thoughts to him. Explaining that he was my hero before I even knew it myself-

"… you know I'm just not good at showing emotions." I say, ending my long spiel. A crack of a smile forms my lips without even thinking. "And for that… I'm sorry, Gale."

There is nothing that has broken my heart more than knowing that he has thought he has had to prove himself to me. To reassure me that marrying him wasn't a mistake. I've always loved Gale, before I even knew it myself too. I can tell he's left speechless, so I reach up, scooting closer and wrapping my arms around his neck. I take a deep breath and watch the rise and fall of his chest. His heavy hands rest nicely on the small of my back. I take yet another deep breath before asking the question that I don't want to know the answer to-

"How long will you be gone?" I ask, swallowing loudly. It doesn't take him any time to answer, he only pulls me closer as he begins to speak-

"Three years." He whispers.

It takes me a second, no, maybe an eternity before I realize I've had my breath held in. I gasp for it, but when I do, I find myself crawling into his lap, like a little girl crawling into her fathers lap. I bury my head into his shoulder, no doubt have a death grip around his neck…

And that's when the tears start.

XX

How long we stay like this, holding each other? I don't know. Maybe a second, maybe an eternity again. I don't want to let go, and somehow I know I won't be the first one to. Nothing hurts more than knowing in roughly three days… he will be gone. Across the country, fighting on the cruel Capitol line against the just as cruel Airagusta. It's a pain that hurts so bad that I know I will never recover from it, that it will never in my lifetime go away, no matter what the outcome of this is for our family. All I know it that I can't sit here acting 'woe is me'. From Gale's soft cries and touches, from his earlier words… this is eating him up just as much as it is for me. He never did want to fight, he did it for me. And now that he knows he never did have to do it for me, there's no way to back out of it. And this was all before our precious son came into our life. I take a deep breath and hold back the bucket and gallons of tears that I know I should shed tonight. I know that I'm strong, I suppose that everyone is a little stronger than they think. No, I know that. And I know in this instant, that I have to practice that. That I have to rise into this being brave and strong. There's no turning back, and crying isn't getting either of us anywhere. So I conquer up my next words and choose them wisely. They're true and painful, and I'm not sure if I say them more for my helping our Gale's, but we both need to hear them. I sit up some, not bothering to wipe away the tear stains on my cheeks and drop my forehead to his. I can feel his hot, warm breath on my lips and for a second, I wish we could stay like this until we both die. But I regain myself and begin to speak-

"I want you to go there-" I begin, whispering the words. "And fight. Be that brave Gale that you are." I feel his grip tighten around me. "And I want you to stay alive… and healthy." I smile a little. "And when you come back to us, which I know you will…" I take a deep breath-

"We'll be waiting, me and Linden,… right here." . . . . . .

---

Chapter 36 Preview: What will take place when Gale's family learns of the news? How will Katniss cope with the last few days as a full family? How will she cope with the realization of the slim possibility that Gale may never come home alive? What will happen when anger for the District 12 authorities and Capitol overcome her? What lengths will she take to possibly reverse this all? Although questions were answered, what about the other many unanswered questions? What will Gale have to say and think when he learns that the drawings of those bombs have been found by Katniss? What will be his answer and why? And what will take place when Katniss, Linden and the whole family say their teary goodbyes at the District 12 train station? More questions, more answers and more tears in this epic conclusion! Fubruary 18th...