No Sad Goodbye's

by sunshineandsunflowers

Katniss has finally done something she never thought she'd ever do, she married her best friend Gale. Follow the story of how Katniss accepts the changes and rough roads of marriage and family. And will a series of certain event's, with one in particular, change the feelings she has for her now Husband Gale, or will true love be stronger? (**SEQUEL to Finding The Time, NO games**)

37. Chapter 37

A/N - Well, my dear readers, Chapter 37 is here which means.. this is the last chapter! Again, please remember there will be an epilogue that I will probably have up next week sometime. It will not be very long but VERY important.

THANK YOU to bree09876544321, Olivia, tickle ur peach, DntlessAnnabeth, tfios1975, Callie, sugarxxcubes, kalinaaragon, Bailey and Emma Wilson for reviewing! You guys are amazing! tickle ur peach - Yes, Gale did design bombs in Mockingjay, that's what gave me the inspiration for it as well as a lot of his character throughout my fanfic. And, I added a bit of 'love' to this chpt... just for you :D! tfios1975 - Thank you for all your sweet reviews :). Yes, that would most likely make Gale rich, if not have some money. You'll just have to wait for the next installment to see... ;). kalinaaragon - I LOVE reading your reviews! You get the story so. well. And General Miles... haha, oh. yeah ;). Bailey - I am so glad you got pointed to my story by a friend.. that's great! All I can do to answer your uneasiness right now is... just don't worry ;). Emma Wilson - I will go into more about the next installment in the A/N of the epilogue next week(ish). Thanks again everyone... you guys amaze me!

So, this Chapter was actually not that hard to write. I just really let my mind get into Katniss' character (and the others) and somehow found my fingers typing before I knew it. When I sat down to write today I had no idea I would finish the Chapter up today. Like I said, my fingers just went to town on the keyboard and my mind started to trickle and... well, here it is! Hopefully it lives up to your expectations! Emotions run high in this Chapter. Katniss really explores all there is to about emotions and comes to many realizations. But of course, her emotions are all over the place... who wouldn't be? The song lyrics at the END of this chapter are from "Fix Me" by Coldplay. I highly recommend youtube-ing the song and listening, gave me a TON of inspiration. Also, the song played at the 'festival' is "Big Sam Thompson" by Chris Thile, also on youtube. And, like I said above, the epilogue will be up sometime next week. Check the FB page for updates on that though. Please feel free to drop your comments in the review box after reading, I have a feeling you guys are either going to love me or hate me... xD... but either way, have a lot to say. Also, you just might want a tissue or two, I nearly cried writing the story...

Well folks, this isn't goodbye yet! I will give ya my final A/N in the epilogue! Much love - Macayla

I unofficially name this chapter:... "No Sad Goodbyes"

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"It's itchy mama, why do I have to wear it?" the little boy asks me as I smooth out the fine material of my thin, black dress.

"Because you have to baby." I answer back, tucking the black vest into his small brown pants.

Minutes later we're walking, hand in hand, to the train station with the rest of the fellow District 12 citizens. The boy holds my hand, following my every footsteps in silence. I can't will myself to look up ahead, where the train already in station. Instead, I watching as the boy takes long strides to match mine, in his black shoes that are far too big for his tiny little feet. It's when we're almost there he opens his mouth again.

"Mama, are we getting on the train?" He asks, half excited and half nervously.

"No, baby." I still don't look up.

"Then, why… why are we going to it?"

I don't dare tell him why. Not yet. He's too young, he wouldn't understand.

As we begin to enter the crowd that has gathered at the station, I push myself, with ease, to the back of the mass of crying and rather depressed people, all dressed in black. I find a small little place to stand, against the stations wooden wall. I push the small child behind me gently, hiding his face.

"Mama, I can't see!" He barks angrily, clawing at the bottom of my dress.

"That's the point." I whisper to myself.

It's at that point that they begin to swiftly move the coffins off the train.

One by one.

I sit up, no, bolt up as though I've just been shot. Perhaps, I have. My eyes, teary eyes, haven't adjusted to the darken room but I feel pressure on my shoulders, pushing me back down onto the bed and a gentle voice, tell me to calm down. It's then that I realize I'm screaming, at the top of my lungs. Bloody murder. Then there's crying, not my own, but my babies.

"It's okay, Katniss. Only a dream. Just a dream!"

It's still dark, but there's no mistaking Gale's voice. My own screaming turns into a loud fit of crying.

"You were dead!" I half way yell and scream through my sob, above our now wailing son.

I feel like I have no control of my mouth, so I keep screaming it. Above Gale's soft voice, trying to calm and sooth me. After a minute or two-

"I'm not dead, Katniss!" Gale screams above my voice. No more calming, but a voice full of authority. A voice I'm pretty sure could stop a raging storm if he wanted to.

I stop my own screaming, bottom lip trembling as my eyes finally adjust on his face through the darkness. His hair is messy and there is absolutely no mistaking the bags that are under his beautiful grey eyes. The room goes completely quiet, eerie almost. Even Linden's wail is no more. He swallows loud-

"I'm not dead." He says, this time much more softly, almost a whisper. "You had a bad dream, that's all." He calmingly says, easing my shoulders back onto the bed. I relax, somewhat. "I'm sorry, Katniss. I gave you sleep syrup at dinner last night, I didn't know it would give you nightmares." He says. He reads my confused expression and goes on. "You've been shaking and thrashing all night. I've never felt more guilty."

I want to tell him that he shouldn't be. That no doubt he was trying to do it for my own good. Although, was he? I want to tell him that I forgive him, and ask him questions but I seem to have no voice. All I do is sit up, pushing myself into his open embrace. His arms encircle my back, rubbing up and down slowly as I burry my head into his chest, keeping my cries in this time. But I can't, in anyway, control the shaking or… the absolute fear inside of me right this second. I'm I just dreaming again? Is Gale really dead and I'm just dreaming that he's holding me. I seem to can't find what's real and what's not real right now? Gale stills talking soothingly to me, telling me all I want to hear, but I've learned a thing or two about dreams. They can seem so real. I must be dreaming.

Gale's dead.

Or is he?

"I need you, Gale." I say, barely audible through my dry and cracked voice.

I've never been one to turn to displays of physical pleasure as means of escaping emotions or the real world. But right now, right this moment it seems like the only thing, to tell myself, that I'm indeed not dreaming. So, we make love. It's slow and with no real rhythm, but it confirms the truth to me.

Somewhat.

XX

"I'm not going!" I shout back, for what must be the one thousandth time this morning, through the locked bathroom door.

After Gale threatned to dress me himself and throw me (and Linden) over his shoulders, I decided locking myself in the bathroom was my next best option.

I'm losing my mind.

And that scares me.

Tomorrow the damn train leaves for the Capitol Military, a train that Gale will board and never come back to me. I force myself not to say that though, I must not. But this morning, bright and early, before I had even woke up fully from the sleep syrup, Darius had pounded on our front door. I was too tried to eavesdrop on the conversation and instead, waited for Gale to tell me whatever he wanted. He did though, after coming back upstairs. He said, that at the last minute, Mayor Undersee had decided to throw a send off 'get-together' for the District 12 Military recruits. It was mandatory for the recruits and families to attend, unless otherwise to ill to leave their own home.

"Katniss, you have to go!" He yells at me through the door. I hear Linden's own scream of protest in his arms.

"No I don't. I'm sick!" I yell back, pacing the small bathroom. I am sick… in a way.

I can assume that I've finally… cracked. Abandoned being 'brave' and have come to terms that I'll never take this on with a smile, even if it's faked. Perhaps I could if I tried… but I already tried, and failed. Gale will have to accept the fact that I would have never and am not taking this whole ordeal the way he would want me, or that way I'm supposed to.

"You are not!" He yells in answer. There's almost a hint of laughter rather than authority in his voice, not like last night. "I'll kick in this damn door, and you know it!"

With that, I swiftly unlock the door.

He doesn't hesitate to open it, but doesn't step inside. I'm surprised of the continent grin stretching across his face.

"Knew you'd open it then." He says softly.

I scowl.

"I laid something out on the bed for you. Get dressed." He says, but I speak up as he's about to turn away.

"I really don't want to go, Gale." I plead.

"Well, you are." He says, again, in a voice with such authority I'm sure the whole District would fall to their knees for him. "Maybe I want to show off my gorgeous wife and handsome son to all my friends." He says with a wink. With that, he's back down the stairs.

I wipe off the smile that threatned to cross my face quickly and make my way quietly to the bed where Gale has indeed laid something out for me to wear. I shutter immediately as I notice it's the only black dress I own. The dress that I was wearing in my nightmare last night as I hid my sons face from seeing his fathers coffin. I take the dress, ball it up and throw it against the farthest wall. It falls behind Gale's dresser. Good, it can stay there.

With that done, I make my way to my own dresser, pulling out the black, plain pencil skirt I have and a yellow top, slipping my black flats on and letting my hair hang loose over my shoulders. I look pathetic, with the bags under my own eyes, red spots around my eyeballs from crying so much and matted hair, even though I brushed it. I ignore my current look of disgrace and make my way downstairs where not only my husband and son await, but a gang of others. I see Prim who is helping Gale try to coax some goat milk into Linden (instantly I feel guilty that I have not fed him myself in the past twenty four hours) at the dinning room table, Rory who is busy complaining about how his pants are 'too tight in the crotch' to his mother who could careless, Vick who is trying to read his math text book at the table and Posy who is quiet, clutched to Gale's pant leg, sucking her thumb. How all these people managed to get into my house without my hearing a peep, I don't think I'll have know. Because it's not particularly quiet when I enter the scene in the kitchen and dinning room.

Now I know I am losing my mind.

No one notices me as I step off the last step on the staircase. I quietly walk over to Gale and Prim and wordlessly take Linden from Prim's grasp. No one says anything as I pull the blanket up around him more, covering myself and attaching himself to me. He instantly settles into me and gulps his milk quite loudly. I've never had to breastfeed him while standing up and moving around, but it seems to work fine as I make my way further into the kitchen and pour myself a glass of water.

"Well," Hazel speaks up. "Now that we are all here, we should be on our way." She adds, giving a glance to Gale.

Less then ten minutes later we all find ourselves stepping into town where a quite elaborate celebration has been set up over night. Festive colored banners hang everywhere with handwritten words all over them. I read them as we pass under one.

"Good luk!"

"We r praying for u."

"Stay safe, heroes."

"Come back home soon!"

"We love you!"

Phrases that were not doubt written by young children, with the sloppy hand writing and their poor spelling skills. But also, some that are written from older children. Prim, who walks next to me, speaks up about them.

"We did those in school last week. It was fun!" She informs me with excitement.

Of course Prim would make something so horrible look like something amazingly wonderful. But that's what I love about her. The arm I put around her shoulders is not forced.

The banners are not the only thing set up, festive, loud music flows from the stage sat up in the center. It reminds me far too well of the Harvest Festival but still, it's much different. The music itself is different, not as near as many people and the booths that are set up are not vendors trying to sell their overprice food or homemade crafts or items, but instead fun games that little kids and adults alike are indulging in with great laughter.

There's a part of me that hates this all. No, I'm not one usually for any type of social activities but why something so lively and fun for something so horrible. Maybe other people don't see sending their loved ones to a completely known, non-official war as horrible as I do. Am I wrong to be acting the way I've been? To freak out about this whole situation? I can't answer myself as Rory pulls me off to one of the booths. The young lady behind it, wears a continent smile, but she looks to be no happier than I am. She hands me two small baseballs.

"Knock over as many as you can." She instructs, nodding her head to where a table of plastic bottles have been set up.

"I'm gonna' finally beat you at something." Rory whispers to me as I decide rather or not to throw one of the balls.

I remember it well, shortly after I had met Gale in the woods for the first time. Not only ourselves, but our families began to become closer with each other. I was maybe thirteen when a young little Rory decided he could beat me at any game. I barely knew anything about him but for weeks a war raged on between us. I'd beat him at anything- cards, archery (of course), knife throwing (which I hated), seeing witch one of course could hold our breaths the longest under water at the lake, chess, checkers. You name it, I won it. Rory has never let that lived down since, and now is a prime example of it.

So with all those memories, and considering I don't particularly like to lose, I wind my arm back and chuck the ball at the bottles. I knock down almost half of the taller ones. Rory anxiously shifts from foot to foot next to me. Forgetting that with my archery, I have near perfect aim.

"One more try!" The girl behind the booth instructs me again, almost with a giggle.

I take my time aiming with the next one and knocking down all but two bottles. The girl seems to be impressed while Rory scowls next to me.

"Set 'em back up, my turn now!" He says with confidence and loudly over the festive music.

Less then a minute later we're leaving the booth with a slur of curses coming from Rory's mouth. I can't help but to smile at his reaction. For the next twenty minutes Rory and I go from booth to booth, attempting to beat each other at various little games set up. We even join a game of gaga ball set up on the outskirts of the festival. Of course, it's me and Rory who are the final two players. And of course, after several minutes, and I strike Rory right in the shin. Another slur of curses come from his mouth but this time and I can't help but fall into a hard fit of laughter.

It's when I turn around, at the sight of Gale leaning over the wooden makeshift fence for the game, that I remember why we are all really here. Not to have fun, but to say our goodbyes together to the men who are about to leave us tomorrow for the next three years. My laughter stops and the smile fades from my lips, but Gale's continent smile doesn't fade. He helps me over the short little wooden fence, he pulls me into his arms as I tug my black skirt down a little further.

"Got to be careful in that skirt." He whispers into my ear.

And truth being, I did completely forget that I was wearing a skirt. The game of gaga ball includes running, jumping and bending over. I must blush a shade of rose red, which gets a small laugh from Gale.

"Guys I know would eat you up in a heart beat." He says, leaning down to trap my lips with his.

I push him away though as I see someone approaching us from behind. There's no mistaking the man, dressed fully in his Military uniform.

"Miles." Says Gale, extending his hand out.

"Gale!" He responds, wide smiled as they shake hands. "And Mrs. Hawthorne." He says, turning his attention to me.

Instead of shaking my outstretched hand, he gently and slowly plants a small kiss on top of it. I yet again must blush a deep shade of red and I can sense Gale's uneasiness beside me, so I quickly pull my hand away, crossing my arms to look more relaxed. There's something about his presence though that does relax me, and I have no idea why.

"It's good to see you." Gale speaks up, ending the silence and trying to move past the little awkward scene.

"Likewise!" He says giddily. "I wanted to meet your son." He says, dropping his smile and looking around us.

I feel small guilt as I have not thought of him since I handed him to Gale on our walk to the town earlier. Then a small panic rushes me, as of course, he's not with him.

"He's with my sister in-law." He answers, instantly my panic vanishes. He's completely safe with Prim.

"Lovely." He responds quietly, tucking his hands in his pant pockets. "You have a sister?" He asks me, turning his attention back to me and throwing me another one of his dazzling smiles. 'Don't blush, Katniss!', I think to myself.

"Yes, Primrose Everdeen." I answer, using her full name in a possibility that he'd know her. But of course, I'm sure he wouldn't.

"Oh…" He thinks for a second. "Oh! I know her." He says, shaking his head in confidence.

"You do?" I answer in shock, a little more harsher than I intended it to be. He laughs a little. I like his laugh.

"Yes, just a little." He answers. "I came and spoke to some of the History class' earlier this year at the school. She had so many… interesting questions.". This time I laugh a little.

"Yes, that's my Prim." I answer, starching the back of my head in uncomfortableness.

That does sound like her though, asking the questions that no one else would think of. She's always had a high peek of curiosity ever since I could remember, even when our father was still alive. General Miles smiles just a little, but it quickly fades into a frown.

"You raised her, didn't you?" He asks me, eyebrows knitted together in concentration.

How the hell would he know? Did Gale ever tell him about my fathers death, my mothers mental death and my half raising of my little sister? I think I would never forgive Gale if he did. The only people who know about my early roles as a makeshift mother are our two families and a handful of people in the Hob. I go back to General Miles question, and stutter for an answer. Gale doesn't come to my rescue though and I know they're both waiting for me to speak. I scratch the back of my head again-

"A little… yes." I answer quietly, looking down at his large Military boots.

"Oh…" He responds, just as quiet as my answer. Finally, I ask him a question this time.

"How did you know?" I look back up to him, looking into his beautiful green eyes. They look like they go on forever, like the woods.

"Wild guess, maybe." He says with a wink and a smile. I control my blushing this time. He sighs loudly before speaking again. "When I can to the District to be General, I was given a book of men who had… passed away in the mines. I remember seeing a name with the last name Everdeen." He pauses for a second to make sure I'm following. "I've heard stuff… information," He rephrases' himself. "about your mother. Then I met your sister…" He says, as though he's going to say more but he doesn't.

"Oh…" This time, it comes from my mouth and not his.

But it seems like he is holding back information. That someone, somewhere told him about me and my family. Only one person can come to my mind, and that's the man whose standing next to me.

"Well…" General Miles speaks up again, breaking another moment of silence. "I must be on my way. I'll see you both in the morning." He nods his head and walks off.

I wish I didn't have to see him in the morning. Seeing him again, means that I won't see Gale for another three years, if ever again. At the thought of Gale, I turn towards him but before I can ask him a dreaded question, he beats me to it-

"I didn't ever tell him about your family, Katniss. Not your mother, or Prim, or your father!" He shakes his head.

And without a doubt, I believe him. He wears the same face of shock as I do.

Maybe this 'General Miles' has been keeping up with me and I never have known it… or him.

XX

For the next few hours of the morning, I can't lie and say it's not… entertaining, and maybe, just slightly, a little fun. Gale and I never leave each others side again, playing the games in the booths, joining another round of gaga ball (this time I watch my skirt) and even enjoying listening to the beautiful music. The music is almost completely different than the music at the Harvest Festival. It takes me several minutes of listening to different songs to pick up on it, but eventually I do. It's 'Country Celtic' type of music. Shortly before my fathers death, he would go over the different types of tones and tunes that music can have. I remember the 'Country Celtic' well, for as a little girl, I loved it.

Gale and I find ourselves enjoying the music, mid-morning, sitting in the low lying chairs that have been set up in front of the stage. The music can go from quite sad to actually quite lively, especially the song the musicians are playing now. The main guitarist had introduced the song, stating that he had written the piece of music shortly after his sons death. The song 'Big Sam Thompson' (as he called it, after his sons name), starts off sad, like he was. Sad and lost that he had lost his son. Then, the music picks up a beat a little after a while, the man said it signified how eventually he had to move on, and be happy again.

I burry my head further into Gale's chest as I listen to the beautiful piece of instrumental music, trying not to compare how I might, one day, share a similar experience with this man, but not losing a child. I have to force myself not to think of it though, not compare it.

Then, a feeling nothing new to me, guilt completely rushes through me that I shutter. I've been completely ignorant to act the way I've been acting since yesterday, letting the scene with Posy completely break me down. I assume every once and a while we all fail at something, have a melt down, a tantrum despite our age or situation, but with every failure comes a lesson and the lesson that I just gave myself is screaming in my face right now. I'm not the only one grieving the leaving of Gale. What about his own mother, who had nothing but smiles and laughter all this morning. No doubt on the inside she's screaming just as loud, if not louder than me. And what about his own siblings (other than Posy), who has been the only father to them? Both of the boys has had smiles on this morning. I'm sure they want to scream too. But you have to be brave despite past actions, emotions or how bad the situation is. Maybe that's the lesson I taught myself? I'm not sure what exactly the lesson is but I know I can't keep acting the way towards Gale and the situation the way I have been. What will happen if I do and my son begins to grow and see me act like that? A maniac is what he'll think his mother is, and I never want him to ever have that thought of me. I am not like my own mother. And then, at that realization, something else goes off in my head. By acting out recently, I'm doing exactly what my mother did, just in a different scenario. I may not have shut down and abandoned my family, but I've become weak with my family. And Katniss Everdeen is not weak. I feel like crying again, 'but I'm not weak! ', I scream in my head. For the sake of my sanity, I push myself off of Gale's chest, give him a quick kiss and tell him I'll be right back.

I find myself several minutes later, walking on the outskirts of town. To where I'm going, I have no clue. But to force myself not to cry again, I just walk. Perhaps I'll take up walking once Gale leaves, to clear my mind and keep me focused. After what must be fifteen minutes of pacing the outskirts of the festival, I know that I must return to Gale before he starts to worry, if he hasn't already. I can't deny that I want to find my son too.

As I enter the festival again, I get one of my wishes. I spot Prim, sitting on one of the town benches with Linden, giving her full attention to the baby wrapped up in her arms. As I approach, I realize she's talking soothingly to him. Without trying to be noticed, I slip to the walkway behind the bench. I'm only a few feet away when I can pick up on her voice, I stop and listen but shortly feel as though I'm eavesdropping on a conversation I shouldn't be hearing. At first it's all baby talk, just trying to keep him happy by the sound of her voice, but quickly her words change-

"You know your Aunt Prim loves 'ya, right?" She asks as though he's going to answer her. But Linden keeps his eyes fixed solely on his Aunt. "And so does your mommy and your daddy." She pauses for several seconds but shortly goes on. "You have such a strong mother…"

The feeling of eavesdropping becomes overpowering and I quickly walk the short distance and take the seat next her. She smiles widely at me.

"Thanks, Little Duck." I respond to her words, pushing a stray of hair behind her ear that escaped her elaborate braid.

"Only the truth." She replies, leaning her head on my shoulder. "He is a cutie you know?" She adds with a giggle.

"Takes after his Aunt I guess." I shrug, but quickly find a little giggle of my own.

After a quick transfer of Linden to my arms, we are both silent for minutes, just enjoying each other's company as people come and go. She's the one that breaks the silence though as Linden is sucking on my pinkie-

"How are you doing?" She asks, quietly.

I know exactly what she means by asking me. How am I doing with Gale about to leave, that by tomorrow, I'll be an only parent. I shrug a little before answering. I use to hide things from Prim, when we were younger. Not mentioning how hard it was for me to get that one bite of bread, or how many hours it use to take me to catch just that one squirrel, or even how horrible of a state our mother was in. But now, at a teenager herself, she has hidden things from me. For what she thought was my own good as well. I don't mention this to her, but nor do I lie to her-

"I've been better, Prim." I answer, letting a sigh out I didn't expect.

She leans her head back on my shoulder, stroking Linden's soft wave of brown hair peeking from his head. She doesn't say anything, which catches me just slightly off guard. Prim always knows what to say in any situation… just about. The silence goes on for several minutes until she finally speaks. Her voice seems like miles away, lost in a deep pit-

"What are you scared of, Katniss?" She asks me solemnly.

That's when I ask myself that question. After only seconds I have a list that I'm sure would stretch miles. I'm afraid of losing Gale. I'm afraid that a war will start. I'm afraid of failing my son. I'm afraid of not being able to provide for two families and a baby. I'm afraid of Gale coming back a changed person. I'm afraid he'll come back and not love me. I'm afraid that my emotions will get the best of me. I'm afraid of what my son will think of me when he's older about all this. I'm afraid I've been lied to more. I'm afraid of what other people think of me as a wife, mother, sister and daughter.

I'm afraid.

A lot.

And there is no denying that I am. Fear is normal, everyone has fear. But letting fear control your life will lead to a path of destruction and regrets. The thing is, you have to find a way out of your fear… you just have to be brave enough.

"Katniss?" Prim's voice echoes through my thoughts.

Do I tell her of all these fears? No, because she'll tell me what I already just have confirmed to myself. With my delay still for an answer, she speaks again, this time with confidence and pride-

"Well, you know we are all going to be here for you. Even mother wants to be part of your life again." She says, "You're braver than you think, Katniss. Much braver."

XX

I cringe as one by one Mayor Undersee calls every Military Recruit by his first and last name. As they are called, the take a stride onto the stage and accept a round of applause. This is my first time getting in idea of who exactly Gale will be going with. All the men are strong built. Miners. They are all guys who work with Gale. None of them stick out in my mind, and it doesn't surprise me. A few of them I've seen around the Hob and such, but I couldn't put a name to their face.

"Gale Hawthorne!"

His name is shouted by Mayor Undersee, through the battered microphone. My hands instantly fly to cover my face, I push back the tears with all my might and feel a hand wrap around me. In no way shape or form do I push the grateful gesture from Hazel a way, instead, I find myself leaning into her embrace like a wounded child.

I am wounded.

But I'm brave.

I'll heal.

XX

I pace back and forth in the bedroom, clutching the letter tighter and tighter. We had all agreed to enjoy an early dinner as an entire family tonight, so I excused myself from the scene downstairs. Now though, I try to decide rather or not to open this… blasted note. Before leaving the festival, General Miles had sneaked up behind me, dropping this envelope in my hand wordlessly. I didn't even get a chance to say anything to him before he stalked back off, not even glancing over his shoulder. For some reason, I quickly shoved it in my side bag, keeping anyone else' eyes off of it incase they didn't see the exchange. I'm not particularly hiding it though… why would I?

Finally, curiosity wins over anything else and I flip the white, square envelope over. It's sealed with a dried wax seal of Panem. It opens easily though and I pull the folded piece of paper out. Discarding the envelope, I read the letter that is written in the most finest hand writing I've ever seen-

"Dear Mrs. Hawthorne,

I am most sincerely saddened by the unfortunate departure of your beloved husband. It is my prayers and wishes that he returns to you and your family safely and efficiently quickly. I would like you to know, that I am working my hardest in sincerely keeping your husband safest as I can. I will not be accompanying the mission to the Capitol, but am in talks with people that are and are over myself in this military department. Also, I would like to inform you that I am here for you, your son and your family twenty/four/seven. Please do not hesitate to contact myself shall you need something. It is my duty to protect Panem's people and provide for them when I can.

Yourself and your family have a special place in my heart. I wish you all the best in the coming times.

General R. E. Miles"

The letter itself doesn't shock me, but it does slightly coming from General Miles. The man strikes something odd in me, but I'm not sure exactly why. I have no doubt though that all of his words in this letter are true though. I'm about to neatly fold it together again when I notice more writing at the very bottom of the piece of paper-

"Please visit my office sometime soon again, please."

And somehow, I think I just might.

XX

I never mentioned any of the kind words from General Miles to Gale, nor even showed him the letter. Instead, I tucked the letter safely in the top drawer of my dresser, the places that Gale and I never touch of each others. I don't know why I would hide it from him? Am I hiding it?

"That feels good."

Gale's voice interrupts my thoughts… thankfully. He's laying on his stomach on the bed while I soothingly message his upper back. I take one more peek to the sleeping Linden, tucked quietly in his crib. It took hours for Gale and I to finally get him to stop crying and fall asleep. I was reminded just how much harder that will be to do on my own after tomorrow. And not even an hour later, while basking in the warmth you get after making love, I'm reminded how much I'm going to miss being intimate too.

Never in my life would I picture me saying any of those. I thought remaining a virgin and never baring children would leave me continent, but sometimes, life doesn't go as we always plan or hope. I've learned that lesson well. Maybe tonight I expected Gale to give me some speech… but he never does. We spend the whole night wrapped in each others arms, sometimes moaning each others names in pleasure and other moments tucking our unhappy baby in between us. There's not one ounce of tears shed by either one of us.

I guess we both decided to be brave.

XX

The morning comes before any of us are aware of it. I squint at the incoming sunlight as I hear commotion from Gale in the room, packing his remaining few things he'll need. It was a wordless, awaken night, neither one of us slept until just more recently. But by the looks of Gale this morning, I wouldn't say he slept at all.

It's again completely wordless as we both prepare ourselves for today. I feed Linden before even getting out of bed, but once I'm finish, I put on the same clothes that I wore yesterday, braiding my hair back today. Never once did I even imagine I would be preparing for a day like this day. Saying goodbye to my husband. I hate goodbyes, always have. Goodbyes are… odd. They can mean so much. They might be forever goodbyes or just later goodbyes… but you never, ever know when your own last goodbye will be. And of course, after fear and anxiousness courses through me, my own sadness does. Sad that I have to face a day like today. I've always hated sadness too… but I guess, who doesn't? I've had my fair share of sadness in my life already, so it's nothing new. As far as my fear goes, I've already come to terms with them. I'll face each fear as I reach them. There is no need to fret over something that could be years away, or that might not even ever happen. Gale would never stop loving me.

Would he?

Maybe I'm confirmed of that when I'm leaning over the sink, drying the last few dishes from last night when he wraps his arms around my waist from behind, burring his head in the crook of my neck. It's silent for a moment, I can't help but to close my eyes, wishing he would never have to let go.

"I love you so much." He tells me, confirming partially of my earlier thoughts.

But his voice sounds so unlike himself, so distant, just like Prim's did yesterday at the festival. It sounds like a million miles away, just like he will be, in just hours. But it sounded as though that it took all his strength to speak those words to me. Not that he didn't mean them, but that he couldn't find his voice to do so. I turn around in his arms, wrapping my own arms around his neck.

"I love you too, Gale." I reply, "So much." I add, whispering.

Perhaps my own voice sounds a million miles away too, it wouldn't surprise me. My own mind seems like that. Like it's on ever going track that I don't know the destination to. But it sort of reminds me of life, we all never know what are destinations will be. We have ideas, and figures but we never know exactly what each day will entail. The life I'm living right now… I never once envisioned for me. Not that I necessarily didn't want it though, that's what's funny. But the point is, we never know what's around the corner. Your entire life you're 9on a track, like a train track. Sometimes it's rocky from the pebbles underneath, other times it's smooth and the scenery is breathtaking. And then sometimes you hit that split in the track, and have to decide which was to go… but you have no clue on which way is the right way. Sometimes we falter and take the wrong way, but we always end up back on track again. And then of course, you always hit the end of the track, where there is no more to take you anywhere. But I can not will myself to think of that… at all. I am brave today.

And brave is what I remember as Gale and I walk hand in hand to the station with our families. I'm surprised that he can hold my hand though, considering he's holding Linden, has a crying and screaming Posy attached to his leg and has his small but bulky bag stuffed under his arm. I look up to his face though as we walk and see a man that I've come to know… but a man that holds mystery to me. His face now though is exspresstionless. His usual smile has completely faded into a thin line. His eyes look bloodshot but black, reminding me of empty dark chasm lit up with a glowing red light and his hair is tangled and messy. His grip on my hand is a death grip that I'm sure he is cutting off my blood flow, but I don't dare say anything. I'm sure his grip like that on my hand is to keep his own sanity. Gale has always been brave, but nothing comes between him and his family… and that's exactly what it's come to. I direct my attention though to our families. Prim walks beside me, hair neatly braided and clothes freshly ironed. She gives me a sadden smile as I lock eyes with her. Hazel, who is beside her wears an exspresstionless face much like her sons. Her arms are folded behind her back and she stares at the gravel beneath her shoes as we walk. The boys, Rory and Vick stand on the other side of Gale. They both too wear almost expressionless faces but Rory's catches me off guard- There's a silent tear running from his eye and down his cheek and the look on his face tells me he's rather pissed than sad.

If I was to look on the mirror at my own expression right now, I'm not sure what I would find. I know exactly what type of emotions are running through me right now, but how much I'm displaying on my face I'm not sure of. I've always been good with hiding my emotions, making an invisible mask to cover them when they threaten to appear on my face. But at a moment now where emotions run high… I have no control on what I show, nor do I even care.

The train station is full of people when we arrive. Crying, hugging, sobbing and even screaming. There's no real order to any of it and I already see some of the recruits boarding the train. The scene around me would be enough to bring me to tears, regardless if I was here for the same reason as them or not. There's no real point in stalling, and I think Gale knows this. So, before we fully emerge ourselves into the crowd, he sets his bag on the ground, rearranging Linden in his grasp. I would offer to take him from him, but I think he's trying to take ever opportunity he has left with his son. So that being, I don't intrude. He bends down though, getting on eye level with Posy. Again, I feel like I am… we all are eavesdropping on a conversation we shouldn't be. But we listen anyways as Gale goes on telling Posy to be good, to take care of their mother, look after 'Kat-Kat' and keep Linden entertained. She listens intently, nodding her head at every word. It's at his 'I love you' that she flings herself into his arms, willing him to not leave. After a few seconds, Hazel comes around behind her, peeling her off of Gale. I stay where I am but turn around, using every ounce of strength I have to not cry. Because, I have never wanted to cry more than this moment. I hear Gale quietly say his goodbyes to the boys. Vick is wordless from what I can hear, but I see them exchange a hug from the corner of my eye. Rory though, is outraged-

"I don't know why they have to do all this. It's fucking stupid." He lets out.

I hear Hazel sigh loudly as she comforts Posy. Gale though, he's speechless and goes on telling him what he told Vick.

"Just be there for them, Rory." There's a pause. "You are my mini me, you know?" I can hear Gale's smile in his voice.

Soon though, Rory says nothing and they exchange a rather quick hug. His moment with his mother is long. They hug for what seems like ages, Posy and Linden squished in between them. All his words to his mother are whispered, but she starts to cry. I never do hear one thing he said to her. Almost as though he forgot me, he doesn't. He steps to the front of me and I see Hazel lead the others a way a little.

"You gotta' write to me now." He says with a small smile, avoiding my eye contact and twisting the end of my braid in his fingers.

I nod my head yes in answer. Of course I would write to him. Sadly though, it was informed yesterday at the festival that the recruits would not be able to write home, but they could receive as many letters as was for them. This brought some happiness to me, at least I could tell Gale about how our son is growing… and how much I love and miss him.

"You know I will." I say through my cracked voice, sniffling. He nods his head enthusiastically.

"Good." He whispers. Finally he meets my eyes and steps closer until Linden is pushed in between us tightly. "You know how much I love you, so I won't keep repeating myself. But I want you to know I believe in you." He pauses. "I've always believed in you…"

A part of me wants to lean forward and silence him with my lips, but I hold back. There's words Gale needs to say to me and there's words I will need to say to him. So I listen, despite the tears pooling in my eyes. He takes my hand in his free one as he continues to speak-

"You've always been a brave person. When I met you in the woods, you were brave… and quite mean."

I can't help but to laugh out loud at words… they're true. He goes on-

"You're such an amazing person, Katniss." He looks me straight in the eyes. "An amazing sister, and mother, and wife-"

"Gale-" I try to silence him but he doesn't listen.

"No, Katniss. You are those things. You're brave, and selfless and giving and caring. You are the most amazing person I know and I never knew I could love someone as much as I love you."

When I slam my lips into his is when silent tears fall from my eyes. Gale is never one to speak of his own emotions much, or even the one to hand out compliments of you. Not that he doesn't think them or that they're not true, but he tends to be more quiet. So by his words, they bring the silent tears that have been threatening me all morning. We kiss passionately for what I'm sure seems like centuries until I know I must get my words to him before we run out of time. Over half the station has cleared out now. I pull our lips apart and remind my own self of how strong I can be… how strong I am.

"You're kind of all those things too." I speak, barely audible.

"Kind of?" Gale responds, after a second he starts to laugh loudly.

By saying kind of, that's not what I meant. By saying that I meant by mother, father and by sister, brother.

"That's not what I meant!" I start… but find myself laughing too.

"I know, I know." He says with a grin. Thank God for his smile.

"I mean… you are all those things too." I look back over my shoulder and at Hazel, then back to Gale. "You're amazing to you mother, and your brothers… and Posy," but I stop myself before saying more, I do not want to repeat what Gale had to said to me… "Gale, You have been the only man that I thought I could ever even be close to. When dad died," I drop my gaze. "I never thought someone could show me how to be happy again. I had Prim of course, but someone who could make me smile, and laugh," I go on. "I wanted to shun out though, that type of… romantic love, I didn't want to be responsible for someone else' feelings. But what I didn't know, was that I needed someone else' feelings to make my own ones happy again."

I know I must be confusing Gale because I'm confusing my own self. I close my eyes for a few seconds, trying to find all the right words.

"I know what you're saying, Katniss… You didn't ever want to hurt anyone, but in reality, you needed someone because you were hurt." Gale says softly.

I nod my head yes in answer, but it still leaves us both confused. Neither one of us has ever been good with words. But I try to continue to explain myself-

"Yeah," I wipe away a stray tear. "And I was scared, of that…" I stutter. "Human companionship like that. I saw my mother get hurt after dad died, and I didn't want to be hurt even more."

"Oh, Katniss-" Gale starts.

Now he understands my full fear. Before I had met Gale, I was hurt at my fathers death, the way my mom had shut down and what I needed was for someone like Gale… but I was to afraid of losing him to ever realize my own feelings for him until he made the first move. Now though, I could very well lose him… I am losing him. Rather it's permanently or just for those three years… I'm losing him. Maybe that's why I have a fear that he'll come back and not love me anymore. Truly, it's a fear of losing him.

There's not really any more words I could speak to understand this more to Gale… and it seems he either lost his train of thought or voice. So we hug. It's not a quick one or meaningless but one filled with words left on our tongues. We stand there for what I know is minutes and minutes until a voice cracks over the awful sounding speaker system in the station-

'All recruits, Please prepare for boarding.'

"Gale! Please!" I cry out, hugging him tighter until Linden begins to cry. "Please!"

I'm now doing exactly what Posy just did, acting like a five year old. I'm not acting brave, or strong, or… anything. Instead, I let my tears begin to fall openly.

"Katniss!?" He speaks, trying to calm me. "This isn't goodbye, okay?" He pushes me forward just a bit and moves his hand under my chin so that I'm forced to look him in the eyes. "No sad goodbyes… alright?"

"No sad goodbyes." I whisper to myself, more for me than him. He laughs a little.

"Exactly. It's not a sad goodbye, It's not a goodbye at all…" He pauses, "Just a see 'ya later."

I laugh a little, how my emotions can change so quickly, I'm not sure. He mimics my own laugh. I'm the one that press' our lips together again.

"I. Love. You. So. Much." He says, in between kisses. I cry loudly now.

"I love you too." I sob, pulling our kiss apart.

He's the one that breaks our embrace, handing over Linden wordlessly but not before planting a single kiss on his forehead. At first I wish he would give her to Prim, being that I feel like my arms are rubber. But I take him… he's my strength now. Gale pulls out two envelopes from his pockets, similar to the one General Miles gave me. He hands both of them to me silently. One has my name on top and the other one our sons name.

"Read it to him before I come back." He says.

Finally, he turns just slightly to Prim who has now moved to stand next to me.

"Be good… Little Duck." She hugs him quickly.

'All recruits must now board.' the voice echoes through the station.

That's when my sobs turn into screams and shouts, willing my husband not to go. I'm in no control of anything anymore. Prim takes Linden from me, and I feel hands hold my arms back, keeping me from running to the slowly backing away Gale.

"I'll be back, Katniss. I promise."

We lock eyes for a split of a second and then… he turns around, sprinting to the opened door of the train. He hops up the steps and… out of sight.

Gone.

Without looking back.

Gone.

I cry so hard that slowly and easily Hazel and Rory lower me to the ground. My hands are fists as I hear the engines of the train start to roar with power. All I know is that I'm screaming 'no' over and over again as the train starts to hurry out of the station. But I keep my eyes and mind focused. Gale was right. This isn't goodbye, and this especially is not a sad goodbye. 'I'll see him again' I whisper to myself. With time, I will. There shouldn't ever be any goodbyes ever spoken, because we will always see our loved ones again. Rather it's in person or what ever lies on the other side for us… I'm confident we will see them again. Confidence goes a long way, and it shows. Though I am crying, broken down, we are all much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. And although I no idea what the future holds.

I'm confident.

"Tears stream down your face...
When you lose something you cannot replace... Lights will guide you home"

END OF BOOK 2

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Epilogue to come...