Chapter 19 – Guilt

"Sora!"

Terra skidded to a halt so he could crouch next to Sora. Sora's hair was brown again, but his eyes were closed and his face pallid. Terra saw red at the evidence of physical abuse, at the cuts and welts marring his skin.

"This is all my fault," he whispered. "Sora, I'm so sorry." Kairi and Riku lay beside him and held his hands, eyes similarly closed. "Are they alright?" he asked.

Aqua's soft hand rested on his shoulder for a moment before she moved closer. "Yes, thank goodness." She sighed and brushed a strand of hair out of Kairi's face. "They must be inside his heart, helping him."

"Like when Sora came for me." Ven took Sora's hand in his. "Sorry it took so long. We came as soon as we could." He hung his head and sighed.

Out of all of them, he had been affected by this the most. After years of taking shelter in Sora's heart, it seemed they still shared a connection. And that connection had told him something terrible had happened to Sora, something worse than possession. Something that had nearly destroyed him. They'd rushed here, fearing the worst.

Terra had a good guess as to what it might have been that had made Sora feel that way, but he kept his mouth shut. There was no need for Aqua to stress out even more about what had happened, and she'd find out the truth in the end, anyway.

"Terra, Aqua, Ven, Xehanort will find us soon." Mickey was looking similarly forlorn, but that hadn't stopped him from keeping his guard up. "I think Sora ran away from everyone else and came here. It's the only reason that explains why he was alone, and why they haven't found us here yet."

"He's a fighter," Aqua said, stroking a sticky clump of hair out of his face. The cuts and welts on his skin disappeared at her touch.

"Even after everything, he was still trying to reach us." Ven dug a water bottle out of the tiny bag Aqua had enchanted for him and set it next to Sora.

Terra understood. He'd never stopped reaching out to Aqua and Ven, either. Something deep inside of him had refused to give up. Ven had been safe for most of their separation, but Aqua – he'd heard her voice, alone in the dark, and he had to answer the cry of her heart. It didn't matter what Xehanort had done to him. That would never change.

Riku and Kairi stirred, their tired eyes blinking open.

"How is he?" Ven asked, practically pouncing on Riku's arm.

"He's himself again," Riku said as he sat up, a weary smile on his face. "He'll pull through."

Kairi looked haggard. Her red hair stuck together in dingy clumps, and dark circles were under her eyes. But as soon as Sora stirred, she scooted closer to him. His eyes fluttered open, and they were even more blue than usual against his ashen skin.

"Kairi," he whispered, his voice hoarse, and she took his hand in hers.

"I'm here." She leaned forward and planted a kiss on his cracked knuckles before moving aside to make room for Ven. Aqua went to work making sure she and Riku weren't injured, and Ven gathered Sora in his arms and hugged him tightly.

"You're okay. You're alive and you're okay," Ven whispered, his whole body trembling. "Earlier, I thought your heart was – something hurt you, something awful. Your heart was breaking and I thought – I thought that—I thought that you were dying, you were hurting so bad. I'm sorry. I wanted to protect you, but I couldn't, and—" He closed his eyes and scrunched his face up to keep from crying. When he finally let go, Sora's eyes were misty, too.

It was Aqua's turn next. She took Sora's hands in hers. "Sora, how could you – why would you—"

"You were hurting, Aqua," Sora choked out. "You and Ven were hurting, and my heart ached for you. How could I just stand there and watch you suffer when I knew I could do something to make it right?"

Tears trailed down Aqua's cheeks as she clung to Sora's hands, and Terra felt even worse than he had before. He wasn't worth whatever price Sora had paid.

Terra, it was his choice, and he made it freely. He's fragile enough as it is. Don't take that away from him, too. Look in his eyes. If you tell him you weren't worth the cost, then you will make his suffering meaningless, and that would be a crueler blow than anything Xehanort has ever dealt him.

I know. But would he have agreed to pay the price for my freedom, if he'd known what the cost would be?

That is something you will have to ask him yourself.

Terra sighed. He was sick of the people around him sacrificing everything for his mistakes. First Eraqus had lost his body, then Aqua had lost her freedom, and now Sora had lost himself, the part of him that would never hurt his friends. Terra knew what that level of violation felt like, because he'd experienced it, too. It was a knowledge he'd never wanted to possess, and now Sora shared it.

Sora looked at Terra, his anguished eyes searching for what, Terra didn't know. But before either of them could say anything, an ominous noise sounded from the other end of the hall. The marble floor began to crack, something beneath them making the whole place shudder.

"Donald! Goofy! You've gotta get out of here! Get Sora to the Gummi Ship!" Mickey commanded.

"Yes, Your Majesty!"

"And someone else carry him," Mickey added. "The rest of us hafta go back and face Xehanort. The others still need our help."

"I'll do it," Terra said. "I know this place backwards and forwards."

Terra gathered Sora in his arms and stood. Looking at him like this, it was hard to believe he was the key to everything. He was too young for the burdens he'd had to bear.

"Terra," Sora said, something very vulnerable in his eyes. He was so weak and fragile, completely spent from the torment he'd been through.

All for me. Why… why would you…

Terra's grip tightened. The overwhelming urge to protect Sora had come over him. They'd all looked to Sora as the one who would heal their hurt, but as it turned out, his heart needed mending just as badly.

Terra could only hope he and his friends were up to the task.

"You're safe. I won't let Xehanort hurt you." Terra paused, wondering if he should give voice to his next thought. In the end, he decided to go for it, because if Sora was anything like him, the guilt for whatever it was he'd been forced to do was already starting to haunt him. "You won't hurt your friends, Sora. Xehanort can't make you hurt them anymore."

Sora's eyes watered, and Terra knew he'd said the right thing, for once.

Aqua pulled a fluffy blanket out of her pouch, and Ven tucked the water bottle in beside Sora. While Aqua set about enchanting the blanket to help Sora sleep, the cracks grew larger and the noises louder.

"Sleepy," Sora murmured. Then he struggled against Terra. "I don't wanna sleep, I've gotta help you guys fight…"

"Shhhh, it's okay." Aqua gave his hand a squeeze as she tucked the blanket around him. "Right now the best thing you can do to help us is to get some rest, and this blanket will help with that."

Sora's eyelids drooped, and a few seconds later, he was fast asleep. Terra took off with Donald and Goofy right behind him.

"Where should we take him?" Goofy asked.

As Terra dodged falling debris and collapsing pillars and cracked floors, there was only one place that made sense. Only one place where Sora might feel safe.

"Home."

"Riku! Kairi!"

Sora ran towards his friends. They were walking up the windy path leading to Kairi's house, laughing and chatting about something he couldn't quite make out. The sun was shining in the blue sky up above and a gentle breeze blew past, another beautiful day on the islands. Maybe Kairi's family was having them all over for lunch. Her mother made the best coconut ice cream, and it had been ages since he'd had some.

He reached Riku and put his hand on his friend's shoulder. Riku tensed. Black smoke oozed out of Sora's hand, making Riku cough as it swirled around him.

"Oh, it's you." Riku gave him a cold glare. "You know, even when I was possessed by Ansem, I never hurt Kairi. But you were too weak to stop Xehanort from strangling her."

Sora stumbled backwards, his feet tripping over a rock. "Riku, I—"

Kairi turned around. Her neck still had the bruises he'd made on it. Would nothing he did ever fix what had happened?

"Where is it, Sora?"

"Kairi—" He reached his hand towards her, trying to heal the damage he'd caused. But darkness came out of it instead. She screamed and put her hands over the oozing black spots.

Why wouldn't his body do what he wanted it to? Why did everything he did end up hurting her? She pulled her hand back to reveal scars. Scars of his creation, physical manifestations of the hurt he'd caused.

"Where's my lucky charm?" she demanded.

He reached into his pocket, but when he pulled the charm out, it had been torn apart. His stomach churned at the sight of it. He dared to look at her, his heart pounding.

"You broke your promise." Her eyes were dark, and she looked at him in a way she never had before. "You hurt me. How could I ever love someone like you?"

Sora collapsed into a pile on the path, still clutching the broken charm as he apologized over and over again. Kairi glared down at him as if he was the scum of the earth, and the worst part was that he knew she was right.

"Don't make me laugh," Riku said. "Do you really think 'sorry' is good enough? Do you really think groveling will earn our forgiveness?"

Sora's vision swam. "Tell me what to do, then. What can I do to make this right?"

"Look at your heart." He did. Darkness was oozing out of it, spilling onto the path and licking its way around Riku and Kairi's feet. "There's nothing you can do. You belong to the darkness now."

A hand broke through the ground and dragged him down into it. Sora called for help, but Kairi and Riku just watched as he was pulled under, crushed by the weight of the earth. He yelled, but his mouth and nose filled with sand and dirt and he couldn't breathe. It was dark and cold and he just wanted it to stop. He didn't want this. He didn't want any of this.

"Sora," Xehanort's voice called. Sora thrashed against him, but he simply plunged Sora into the darkness over and over again until it was dripping off of him.

"Let go of me!" Sora cried, darkness spilling out of his mouth and nose and eyes and ears and heart. "I'm free from you!"

"Did you really think it would be that easy? I might not be here anymore, but I'm always with you."

Sora screamed as the lucky charm clutched tight in his grip turned to black and burned his skin, branding his hand with an X.

"My mark is on you, and nothing you can do will remove it." He tossed Sora aside before disappearing into the swirling darkness, and with that, Sora was alone. The only sound was his quiet sobs. His hand throbbed and his heart felt like it was breaking all over again.

"I can't – I can't live like this. Someone, anyone, please—"

Something nudged his back, something gentle and warm. He turned around to see what it was. An earnest face stared back at him, one with black eyes, yellow crosses for pupils, and a small pink horn.

"Meow Wow? Is that really you?"

His Dream Eater nuzzled his hand, pink tongue flicking out to lick the wound on it. Sora's eyes watered all over again, and he buried his face in Meow Wow's fur.

"Thank you," he whispered. Here, at least, was someone he hadn't hurt. Stroking his dear pet's fur brought back memories of happier times, when he could fuss over small things like finding the right kind of treat for his friend.

Sora sniffed and wiped his eyes. "Meow Wow, there's something I'd like to ask you. Can you – can you find your friends and ask them to comfort my friends, too? I think… I think they all really need it."

Meow Wow bounced up and down, then bounded off. Sora was alone again. He stared at his hand, at the ugly mark seared into his skin.

"I get it now," he whispered. "You've dragged me down to your level. You've made me like you. Leave me alone. I know what I am. You don't have to remind me anymore."

Meow Wow came bounding back into view. He knocked Sora over and attacked his face with a series of affectionate licks. Sora had to dodge and duck to avoid getting Meow Wow's tongue up his nose and in his mouth.

"Thanks, buddy," he finally managed to get out, in between licks. Satisfied, Meow Wow circled around him a few times before settling next to him. Sora leaned back against his soft fur and sighed.

Even after all that had happened, he hadn't alienated all of his friends. Meow Wow didn't even seem to notice the darkness oozing off of him like some kind of disease. Either that or he didn't care.

"I know I don't deserve this, Meow Wow, but thank you."

Soft. Soft and warm. Sora was laying on something soft and warm. His eyes fluttered open. He tested his fingers to make sure his body was obeying him again, and he noticed that Xehanort's mark was gone from his hand.

Oh. So it was just a nightmare, then. Aqua's fluffy blanket was draped across him, and he pulled it closer. Donald and Goofy peered down at him, their faces lighting up when they saw he was awake.

"Sora!" they both cried. He sat up, and they jumped on the bed and enveloped him in a hug. At least this way he didn't have to look into their eyes.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. The temporary lightness his heart had experienced after breaking free from Xehanort had been replaced with an awful, sinking feeling. His friends had risked everything for him, all because he'd taken matters into his own hands. They were in danger, and if anything happened to them, it would be his fault.

"We're just glad you're okay," Goofy said, with Donald nodding beside him.

"Yeah, anything we can do to help?"

Sora put a hand over his throat. "I'm thirsty," he croaked. He'd screamed himself hoarse, and his body needed a replacement for the fluids he'd lost through all the sweating and crying he'd done.

The water they gave him helped, soothing his parched throat and mouth. The aching in his head subsided, too, but the damage to his heart remained. Kairi and Riku could tell him they forgave him all they wanted, but there was no going back. He'd lost something of himself today, and in its place was a hollow ache.

He felt dirty. Riku understood, since he'd struggled with the darkness. Sora still felt horrible about hurting him, but he knew Riku had experienced what he was feeling right now. But Kairi—

He felt completely unworthy of her. The one person he had promised never to hurt, the one person he had sworn to protect above everything else – and he'd gone and hurt her in some of the cruelest ways imaginable.

He studied his hands. He'd wanted to hold her, to comfort and soothe her, but it wasn't enough that Xehanort had forced him to watch her torment when she was a child – no, it never was. No pain was too much, no torture too cruel for that monster, so long as it brought him closer to his goals.

He made me her tormentor. He knew exactly what he was doing to me and to her.

No wonder Ven thought I was dying.

But I'm not dead. I'm not dead, and now… now I have to live with myself.

He had no idea how. All he knew was that he didn't deserve to be in the same room as Kairi, let alone look her in the eye. The memory of the bruises and welts his fingers had made around her neck still made him sick. It didn't matter if Xehanort had forced him to do it. His hands had done the deed. His body had hurt hers.

Where was she? Riku wasn't here, either. The last thing he remembered was Terra lifting him into his arms and Aqua tucking the blanket around him. He was back… back home? On Destiny Islands? Sora looked around him. It was his bed, and his room. The little wooden ship with its dolls was still hanging from his ceiling. The dolls he'd made to represent—

Still too painful to think about. Just how Donald and Goofy had explained themselves to his mom, he had no idea.

"Sorry, ma'am, but your son almost killed his best friends, and we figured he could come here and rest up for a while as he tries to get over it. A-hyuck."

He pushed thoughts of that conversation out of his head and focused on the important thing.

"Where's Kairi? Where's Riku?"

"They're still fightin'."

"Yeah, Xehanort has to be stopped."

Panic rose in the pit of Sora's stomach. "I thought… I thought Terra was taking me out of there. Is he with them too? Is everyone else?"

"Yup," Goofy said. "Everyone who can fight is fightin' right now."

This was not what Sora wanted to hear. "But what if they make the χ-blade?"

"Well, seein' as how Xehanort's short a Seeker now, they might be able to beat him without makin' it," Goofy explained.

"It's risky, but we can't just let him go on with what he's doing," Donald added.

"So they're all still back at the volcano fortress? They're still in danger?!"

"Sora…"

"What about you guys?" he asked. "Why aren't you fighting?"

They exchanged looks. "Do you really hafta ask?" Goofy said. "We brought you back here to take care of you. The King asked us to."

"I'm fine," Sora said, more forcefully than he'd intended. "How long have I been out? I gotta go help them." He staggered to his feet, but Donald blocked him with his staff.

"No, you're not. You aren't in any shape to fight right now."

"Yes, I am." He summoned his Keyblade to prove it. It was good to see the Kingdom Key again, as opposed to Xehanort's horrible Keyblade. His involuntary rest had restored enough of his energy. He could fight again.

"We're not talkin' about your body, Sora." Goofy gave him a sad look, and he hated it. Like Goofy could see straight into his heart and had decided the impurity there made him unworthy to fight.

"Look, I know what I did. I know my heart's been corrupted. I know I don't deserve to fight alongside you guys anymore. But you need all the help you can get."

Tears were forming in their eyes. Why? Why were they so upset? Sora was just stating the facts.

"You think that's why we don't want you to fight?" Donald asked, scrunching his face up fiercely to keep from crying.

"Well, isn't it? Look at me." He clutched the black coat he was wearing and waved the material in their faces. "This is who I am now."

"Listen to him, Goofy," Donald said. "Going on and on about how he thinks he's no good anymore."

Goofy hiccupped and wiped his nose. Unlike Donald, he let the tears flow freely. "It's not true, Sora. Whatever Xehanort told you, it's not true."

"Yes it is! After what I did, I don't deserve to—"

They cut him off with another hug, and he stumbled backwards and fell on the bed. They held him, and after a moment he found himself hugging them back.

It was difficult to hold out against their relentless attempts at comfort.

"Sora," Goofy said afterwards, "in all our travels, I've never met someone with a heart like yours. You're always tryin' to help folks, even when it hurts you."

"Yeah, it's why Xehanort wanted your heart so bad," Donald added. "You're different from him. You would give your life for us, but he only hurts people to help himself."

Sora wanted to believe them, but he couldn't. Maybe that had been true before, but Xehanort had torn it away from Sora and remade him in his image. His eyes flickered to the mirror in the corner. His face stared back, looking haggard and hollow. The silver and gold might be gone, back to brown and blue, but Xehanort's mark was still there, oozing off of his heart and soul and poisoning everything around him.

"Can't you see?" he whispered. "I'm not – I'm not good. Not anymore. That's… been taken away from me, and there's no going back."

"You're upset with yourself because you are a good person," Goofy said. "If you really were like Xehanort, you wouldn't be feelin' guilty for whatcha did. Even though it's not your fault," he hastily added.

Was it really true? He wanted it to be. He wanted to know he was different from Xehanort.

"Sora, the reason why we don't want you to fight isn't because we think you're bad," Donald said.

"Then what is it?" he said softly.

"Your heart's been broken." Goofy's voice was choked with emotion, as if his heart was the one that had been broken instead. Perhaps it had been. "We don't want you to rush into another fight when you're hurtin' so badly."

"Goofy," Sora said, his voice steady, "there are bigger things at stake here than my heart. I can deal with it later. Right now, I have to fight." Every moment they delayed, his other friends were that much more likely to—

"There you go again! Putting everyone before yourself!" Donald was shaking, a huge scowl on his face even as his words were complimentary.

"You don't care about your own heart, do you? Well, Donald and I do, and we can see how bad a shape it's in. We won't let you fight like this!"

That was enough. "You can't stop me!" His Keyblade was gripped in his fingers, ready for—

"No," Goofy said, dropping his shield. "No, we can't. But before you go runnin' off, we have one thing we'd like you to do."

Sora lowered his Keyblade. "What?"

Donald took Goofy's hand, and they both offered their free hands to Sora.

"Share it," Donald said.

"Huh?"

"What he means is, share your hurt with us. Do that thing where you connect folks' hearts."

They both smiled, and Sora dropped his Keyblade.

"I can't." He couldn't burden them with—

"What, you think the three of us together can't handle it?" Donald gave him a teasing look that made Sora's heart ache.

"Sora, we want to help you," Goofy said. "You're our pal."

Sora hesitated. It would feel better, if he could get some of this off his chest. It was too much to bear, swirling around inside of him all at once, threatening to engulf him in an ocean of pain. He couldn't hold it all in anymore, or it would explode and hurt everyone around him. And he was sick of hurting his friends.

He swallowed and took their hands in his.

"Close your eyes, okay?"

Bit by bit, he shared his pain with them. The agony leading up to it all, knowing what would happen but being unable to say a word of it to anyone, the suffering Xehanort had inflicted on him, the despair he'd felt the moment before Xehanort had taken over his heart, the violation as Xehanort had used his body to hurt Riku and Kairi, the guilt as he witnessed the aftermath of what he'd done – once he started, he couldn't stop. It all came out in a rush. All except what had happened to Kairi. That didn't feel right to share, so he held it back.

Donald and Goofy started crying, and the sight of their tears, knowing they were crying for him, was more healing than their words could ever have been. With each memory he shared, his heart grew lighter. The pain remained, but it no longer felt like it might crush him under its weight.

When it was over, Goofy took Sora's black coat off and held it up while Donald set it on fire. In the middle of his room, in an area of the floor cleared of stray old toys and dirty clothes and other clutter.

My mom is not gonna be happy if she finds out about this…

As if she could read his mind, there was a light knock on the door. He frantically gestured to Donald and Goofy to put out the fire.

"Sora, honey?"

They were running around like chickens with their heads cut off, so he took matters into his own hands and used the remaining contents of Ven's water bottle to douse it.

"H-hey Mom, what's up?"

"Can I come in?"

"Uh, sure—"

She opened the door, took one look at the charred, soaking wet black coat and the smoke in the room, and raised an eyebrow.

"I can explain—"

She shook her head. "Don't. I don't want to know." In her arms she held a tray with a plate on it. "I thought you might be hungry," she said, carrying it to his bedside table and setting it down. It was his favorite meal, a hodgepodge of rice and shrimp and tropical fruit.

"Thanks."

She turned to look at him, her piercing blue eyes staring into his. "Sweetheart, are you feeling better now? Donald and Goofy told me—"

"I'm fine."

Her brow furrowed, and she pursed her lips. Clearly, she wasn't buying it.

"Okay, I am a little hungry," he mumbled. "Thanks for the food. I think it'll help."

There. Maybe now she wouldn't be so worried about him anymore.

"Yes, you'll feel better if you eat," she said, her eyes softening. Then her gaze flickered to his arms, and he remembered too late that the black coat was no longer covering the welts and bruises Xehanort's restraints had made. No one had bothered to heal them, and he hadn't had the presence of mind or desire to do it himself.

"Oh, Sora."

He couldn't look her in the eye.

"I didn't want you to worry," he said, his voice low. He hadn't wanted any of them to worry.

"Come here," she simply said, holding her arms open wide. He threw his arms around her, his eyes burning. She felt safe and warm. It had been too long since he'd been home.

"I worry about you every day that you're gone. I know what you're up against, and sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision in letting you leave again. Not that I could have stopped you," she added with a weak chuckle. "But it's hard… it's hard, knowing the danger you're facing…"

She trailed off, her voice choking up.

"I know." His grip tightened, not sure who was comforting whom.

She cleared her throat. "You've gotten so tall. You'll be all grown up before I know it." She let go so she could look at him. "And handsome, too. You look so much like your father now."

Sora wasn't sure he deserved the comparison.

"Donald, Goofy, thank you for taking care of him," she said, picking up the water bottle and setting it back on the bedside table.

"Of course, ma'am." The coat had been disposed of, though where and how, Sora had no idea.

She made her way back to the door, but before she closed it behind her, she said, "Riku and Kairi are here. I asked them to wait, since you were resting, but should I send them up now?"

So they were safe. They were safe and they were here. He wanted to see them.

But he couldn't. He couldn't face them again. Not yet.

"I… " He clutched his arms. "I can't."

"Sora?"

Sora sank back onto the bed and put his hand over his face. "Mom, I messed up really bad. I hurt them, and I can't… I can't face them right now," he whispered.

She understood. "I'll tell them to come back later." The door closed behind her. Donald and Goofy followed after her, to find out how things had gone.

Sora stared at the food by his bed as it went cold. He'd lost his appetite.

He pulled the blankets back over him and buried his head beneath the covers. Sleep, if Meow Wow came back to visit him, might be able to provide him with some relief from this nightmare that was his new reality.

A/N: You might be wondering what else happened at the volcano fortress. Never fear, that will be covered in next week's chapter.

Also, I know these characters' families aren't really mentioned all that much, but I did want to delve into that aspect of their lives a bit more, hence Sora's mother's inclusion in this chapter.

As always, thank you for reading!