Chapter 20 – Defeat

"So filled with anger and rage." Young Xehanort easily parried Terra's attack. Mickey in turn ambushed him with a series of light orbs, and he winced.

"Shut up!" Aqua joined with Terra to create golden chains that trapped most of their enemies and chained them to the pillars lining the hall. Kairi spared a second to watch. She could only hope she and Sora would fight that impressively together someday.

I have to get stronger. Better. Right now, I rely too much on Sora to—

Oh, Sora. She still couldn't get his heartbroken cries out of her head. Would things ever be the same between them again?

She shook her head. She didn't have time for this right now.

Focus, Kairi, focus!

…Still, I hope Donald and Goofy got him home okay.

Kairi glanced over at Naminé. Her brow was furrowed in concentration as sweat dripped down her face. The Riku Replica was on the ground in the middle of the room. His eyes were closed and he had a hand clasped over his heart. Vexen and Luxord were similarly unable to fight as Naminé's magic filled their minds and repaired the damage she'd caused.

Kairi hadn't seen what exactly Naminé had done to them, but she'd seen the aftermath and it hadn't been pretty. It was incredible that she'd already made this much progress in restoring them. Isa and Vanitas were already standing again. The other Seekers must not have been around for what had happened, because they seemed unaffected.

Truth be told, it would be better for the Guardians if Naminé left the damaged Seekers in their current state, but knowing Xehanort, he'd just go out and find more people to torment. Kairi could see why she preferred not to let that happen, even if it did give Xehanort an advantage.

But then again, maybe not. Naminé was their enemy and she was choosing to help them. That made a pretty strong case for turning sides.

"Let's get to the point, shall we?" Xehanort said, and Kairi whirled around to face him. "Saïx, now!"

Isa froze. He and Lea were at a stalemate, blades locked.

"Saïx?" Xehanort asked.

"I won't do it," Isa said. He took a step backwards and dropped his Claymore.

"Isa?" Lea had a hopeful look on his face, and hope was dangerous. Kairi was about to warn him not to let his guard down when Vanitas charged at her. She had to parry the attack, distracting her from what was happening.

"Kairi, you shouldn't be here," he said, his voice so low she could barely hear it.

"Huh?"

"Lea, get out of here," Isa said, before Vanitas could say anything else.

Ansem's guardian grabbed Isa and threw him against the wall. He coughed and slumped to the ground. Lea raced towards him, only for the guardian to pick Isa up and do it again. His eyes rolled back in his head, and Lea threw caution to the wind.

"Isa, talk to me!" He attacked the guardian, trying desperately to reach his friend.

"Are you sure your Seekers are completely loyal to you?" Young Xehanort asked of his older self. "You seem to be having some difficulty in keeping them in check."

Good. That was the best news they'd heard all day. Then his eyes flickered over to Naminé's hiding spot, and fear filled Kairi's heart. She ran over and cast another barrier around her friend. When she looked over at Lea again, he was still struggling against Ansem's guardian.

"Stop it! You're gonna kill him!"

There was a strange look in his eyes that Kairi had never seen before. Usually he was cool and calm and collected, only letting his mask slip around people he trusted. But he wasn't even bothering now. The desperation and rage were being broadcast loud and clear to everyone in the room.

Including Xehanort. He nodded at Ansem, who had his guardian pick Isa's limp body up one last time. Isa's face was deathly pale and his eyes were closed. Sweat drenched his blue hair, and Kairi knew that he couldn't take much more of this.

Xigbar grinned. "What do you think will happen if we throw him against the wall one more time, Axel?"

Lea threw his flaming Keyblade at the Guardian with all his might. "Shut up! The name's not Axel, it's Lea. L-E-A. Got it memorized?"

"Will you save your friend, or leave him to die?" Young Xehanort said.

"Lea, don't listen to them!" Riku shouted, getting a boost off of Terra so he could land a blow on the Guardian. It merely teleported out of the way, Isa still in tow. When Kairi finally spotted it again, it was floating dangerously high, dangling Isa's body far above their heads.

"It's your choice to make," Xehanort said. "Will you save your friend or let him die? I can always find more Seekers of Darkness." As if to prove it, the Guardian let Isa's body slip a few inches.

Lea glared at Xehanort. "Don't taunt me, old man. You already know the answer to that question."

"Then will you agree to stay with us in return for Isa's life?"

Kairi took one look at Lea's face, her heart pounding. "Lea, no! We can still—"

Vanitas landed a blow on her leg, and she cried out.

"Get out of here," he warned, his eyes flashing. Ven healed her and doubled down on Vanitas. He tried to give Ven the same warning. She looked back to Lea, not believing what she was hearing. Surely—

"Axel, no! Don't do it!" Roxas slashed at Xemnas, who dodged his attack and caught Xion, distracted as she was by what was happening, with one of his lightning bolts. She clutched her side and doubled over. Naminé took one look at her and darted out of her shelter to help.

If they lost Naminé, they would lose the war. Her determination to help Xion was admirable, but—

Lea took one last look at Isa, then rushed over to shield Xion and Naminé. Xehanort simply laughed.

"Have you made your decision, then?"

"Not at all," Lea spat. "We haven't negotiated the terms, and if you lay so much as a finger on any of my friends, I will kill you myself, and then every last one of your cronies."

Kairi believed him. In that moment, with that expression on his face, she absolutely believed him.

"And if any of your people take one step closer to Isa, we will kill him," Xemnas said. Terra, Aqua, Mickey, and Riku all froze in place, and Kairi's heart sank. She had hoped they would have been able to sneak past and free Isa. Reducing Xehanort's numbers by even one more person was a good goal to aim for, even if she wanted nothing to do with Isa. But unfortunately that was off the table now.

"Lea, don't do it!" she pleaded. Tears stung her eyes, turning the world into a miserable blur, but she couldn't stop them, nor did she even try. "I already lost Sora. I can't – I can't lose you too."

Lea was her friend, her confidant, her support through all those long, tedious months of training. She couldn't bear to lose him. She couldn't take this any longer. How many more of her friends would be stolen away from her before—

"Well," Xehanort said, "I am willing to accept substitutes. Kairi could take your place."

Kairi froze. So that's what this had been all about. Xehanort had been after her all along. Maybe he hadn't even really needed Sora. Her mind flashed back to the way he'd paused when she'd offered herself up for Sora's freedom and knew it must be true.

"No." Lea stopped Kairi before she could say anything. He looked from Roxas and Xion to Kairi. "If I stay with you, Xehanort, will you let them all go?"

"Yes, I will. It seems the final conflict will happen at the Keyblade Graveyard no matter what, as was foretold. There is no use continuing the fighting here."

"And you'll spare Isa's life?"

Xehanort nodded, and Roxas grabbed a hold of Lea. "Axel, no, we won't—"

Lea summoned a Corridor of Darkness. "Yes, you will. Get out of here, while you still can." He turned back to them and lowered his voice. "This is my choice, all right? I have to help Isa. And this way, you've got a man on their side, got it memorized?"

"No, we won't leave you!" Xion prepared to transform into her armored form.

"Xion, we hafta go." Mickey tugged on her hand. "If we stay here, we'll just get captured."

"Lea, we'll come back for you, I promise!" Kairi couldn't tear her eyes away from his face. She barely registered Aqua calling her name, or even when Aqua and Riku pulled her through the portal.

All she could hear were his final words, over and over again in her head: "No. Kairi, Xion, Roxas, I'll come back for you, because you're my friends. Riku, take care of them for me."

It wasn't until Xehanort threatened to take Naminé too, which made Roxas flip out, send a horde of Nobodies after him, and pull Naminé inside with him, that they were all away from Xehanort.

Lea's portal led them to Twilight Town. They trudged along, no one saying a single thing as they went through. Naminé and Xion were both supporting Roxas. Going by the look on his face, it seemed unwise to let him continue on alone. Xion sniffled every few moments, earning a sympathetic look from Naminé.

As bad as the circumstances were, Kairi was glad to see that they were working together. She wasn't sure they'd be able to, with the situation surrounding Roxas. But hard times had a funny way of bringing people together, and Kairi hadn't forgotten how Naminé had darted out of her shelter to protect Xion. Xion wouldn't have, either. Such bravery in the face of danger was not easily forgotten.

Kairi leaned against Riku, her legs wobbling as she dragged them along. He'd been so strong throughout this whole thing. She couldn't have imagined going through it alone. Thank goodness for his support.

They all emerged in the courtyard of the Old Mansion, exhausted and spent and not feeling so great after going through a Corridor of Darkness with minimal protection. Combined with the battle they had just lost, and everyone was glum.

"Mickey," Aqua said, her voice tired and scratchy, "I think we should split up. Xehanort says he'll wait for us at the Keyblade Graveyard, but it's still a bad idea to have seven potential Guardians in the same place until then. And wherever Kairi goes, she needs to have guards. Naminé, too. We can't let either of them fall into Xehanort's hands. If we lose either of them, we'll lose the war."

Mickey nodded. "I'll lead one group, and you can lead the other."

They discussed what to do, and in the end, Roxas and Xion decided to stay with Mickey so they could help guard Naminé. Everyone else was in Aqua's group. Mickey discussed taking his group somewhere else, but Naminé just shook her head, insisting they stay here.

"It feels like home," she said. "And if any of Xehanort's people come, I can make them forget we're here. We'll be safe, I promise."

Riku spoke up. "Fair enough. But we should send word to Master Yen Sid about what happened to Lea. He helped hide the Princesses of Heart, and if Xehanort has him now—"

"Then the princesses are in danger," Ven finished for him. "I can do it. I'll go to his tower and tell him."

Kairi sighed. Would people be after her and her fellow princesses her entire life? She was tired of hiding and running away.

Terra put a shoulder on Ven's arm. "I'll go with you. Aqua, where do you want to rendezvous afterwards?"

"Actually," Aqua said, "I was thinking I should go with you, too. We have to keep the princesses safe, and moving them again will be difficult. Riku, take Kairi home. Goofy and Donald are already there with Sora, and they can help you protect Kairi. We'll meet you on Destiny Islands afterwards."

It was settled. Kairi felt like she was floating through a dream as she said her goodbyes to everyone. It wasn't until she and Riku were in Sora's kitchen, only to hear from his mother that he didn't want to see either of them, that she snapped out of her mental fog. She wasn't surprised, really, but disappointment didn't listen to logic or reason.

Riku filled Donald and Goofy in on what had happened, and she absentmindedly chimed in every now and then. But she couldn't shake the feeling that it didn't matter what plans they made, or how much time they had. Sora needed something more than just time to help him recover.

"Can you… can you give this to Sora for me?" Kairi asked on her way out. She handed Sora's mother her diary. Maybe Sora wouldn't talk to her face-to-face, but she could at least try to reach him through this.

"Of course. I'm sure he'll be glad to read it."

Sora didn't know how long he'd slept when he woke up again. But he knew he needed a shower. The soap and hot water ran over his body, lifting dead skin cells and dried blood mingled with sweat and washing them down the drain. He scrubbed his skin raw, hoping it might remove some of the dirt.

But no matter what he did, he couldn't get clean. Showers didn't wash hearts, just bodies.

He looked at his reflection in the mirror again afterwards. Haunted eyes stared back at him, though the dark circles from before had faded after sleeping. He sighed and raked a finger through his dripping hair, then dried himself off and got dressed.

At the sight of the cold food his mother had left, his stomach rumbled. He was starving. He ventured downstairs and began scrounging around in drawers and cabinets for something to eat. Bread would make for a good sandwich, but he was so hungry he decided to just eat the entire loaf on its own.

He'd settled into one of the kitchen chairs and had taken a big chunk out of the bread when something caught his eye. He froze. Sitting on the table across from him was Kairi's diary.

She must've left it with his mom for him to read. He leaned over the table and grabbed it, then stared at the cover for a good two minutes before he mustered up the courage to open it.

The pages opened to his most recent letter. The ink was smeared and the pages were all crinkly, like someone had spilled water on it—

Oh. Those weren't water stains. Guilt seeped into his heart as he realized what they were. With trembling fingers, he turned to the next page.

Dear Sora,

The entire first line was a string of words that he'd never heard come out of Kairi's mouth before. He hadn't even been sure (well, before now, anyway) that she knew half the colorful expressions in her little tirade.

His lips twitched in spite of himself. Geez, Kairi, wanna wash that mouth of yours out with some soap? It had caught his attention though, so she'd succeeded in that regard. He continued reading.

Sorry, had to get it out of my system. I could say a lot of things right now, but they wouldn't really help. Swearing doesn't really hurt anybody though, right? And when I first read your letter, I was pretty pissed. Pissed and upset, and sorry to tell you, but yeah, you did make me cry.

The tear-soaked pages had been confirmation enough, but he still felt a stab of guilt at her words.

What was I thinking? How could I do this to her? With trepidation he worked up the nerve to continue.

I think I ruined Riku's shirt, too. You might owe him a new one after this. Don't tell him I told you though. He's such a softie, even if he acts all tough.

Sora let out a choked noise that would have been a laugh in any other circumstance. How was it that she always knew what to say to lighten the mood?

Anyway, I get why you pushed me away now. I wish you hadn't, but I understand why you did. At first I thought it might be because your feelings for me were changing…

"I already told you. That's never gonna happen," he whispered, tracing the crinkly pages.

…but then I realized something was troubling you. I didn't know what it was, but it hurt me to see you hurting. I wanted to ease your pain, but I didn't know how. Looking back, I really should have figured it out. You gave me so many clues, and I just missed them all. I'm kind of a lousy girlfriend in that regard. Sorry about that.

"You're not a lousy girlfriend. Don't call yourself that. If anything, I'm a lousy—" He stopped. He had no business calling himself that anymore. He turned his attention back to the diary.

I'm glad you didn't push me away completely. I've cherished every moment we've spent together, even the ones where you were obviously hiding something from me.

"I did, too."

And to finally address the elephant in the room—

Sora slammed the book shut. It took him several more minutes to get it open again.

—I won't sugarcoat things, okay? I know that'll only make you feel worse.

It was scary when you choked me. I knew something like that might happen, and I even chose to force Xehanort's hand. Sorry about that, by the way. I didn't know what else to do, and now you're suffering the emotional fallout for it. Please don't blame yourself.

But even though I let you do that, it was still scary. I didn't know how much of you was still in there. I wanted to believe you were, but Xehanort made you hurt Riku right in front of me, and I thought he might make you kill me. I mean, it wouldn't have made any sense if he had, but it's hard to think of that when you're gasping for air.

It's funny, though. I knew that I might die, because who isn't aware of their own mortality when their life is on the line, right? But that's not what was on my mind. All I could think about was reaching your heart. I refused to give up on you. I knew you were still in there, and I was right.

And you know what? I'm not going to give up on you now, either. So don't you dare give up on yourself. All the things that make you you – your beautiful smile, your kind eyes, your spiky hair, your steadfast courage, and most of all, your big heart – they're still there.

Xehanort can try to warp your heart all he wants, but he'll never succeed, because he doesn't get that. He doesn't understand what makes you tick, what pumps the blood through your veins.

Maybe it's arrogant to claim to understand someone else, but you know what? I'm going to do just that.

I know you, Sora. I know you love me. Nothing Xehanort has done or will ever do can change that. You've already proven that you would die for me, and not a day goes by when I don't think about that. It doesn't matter what he made you do to me. How I feel about you hasn't changed.

We might not be able to change the past, but we can move forward. I know this is going to be a long and hard journey for you, but I'm with you, every step of the way.

Well, if you want me to be, anyway. We're doing this on your terms, because after what you've been through, you deserve that much, at least.

Yours truly,

Kairi

Splotches. There were splotches on the pages now, making the ink run and smearing it all over his fingers. Maybe the ink from her words would seep into his skin till it reached his veins and arteries. Then his blood could carry it to his heart and purge the corruption there.

Slowly, carefully, Sora lifted the book to his lips and kissed it. Fumbling around the kitchen for a pen, he finally found one and reopened the book. It was then that he noticed the P.S. that had escaped his notice before.

P.S. Xehanort's got Lea now. Don't feel bad, he wouldn't want you to. It happened when we were fighting Xehanort after you'd left, so it had nothing to do with your rescue. He agreed to it, even. He wants to help Isa. They used to be best friends, did I mention that before? Probably.

Oh, and he also volunteered so that Xehanort wouldn't take me instead.

Vanitas also tried to warn me and Ven. Remember what we talked about? I think it's possible to save him after all. Maybe some of the other Seekers, too. We've got to find a way, if we can.

Terra, Aqua, and Ven went to take the other Princesses of Heart to a new hiding place, and Roxas, Xion, and King Mickey are guarding Naminé. I don't know how long we can stay here before Xehanort comes for me. He says he'll be waiting for us at the Keyblade Graveyard, but who knows what he's really up to.

How much time did he have to prepare, to figure out a way to put the broken pieces of his heart back together? Probably not enough. Donald and Goofy were right. He was in no shape to fight, the way he was right now. But he had to be, and soon. He couldn't let his friends march into battle while he stayed behind. Especially when some of the Seekers might be able to be saved, too. He hadn't forgotten the show of compassion from Vanitas, and the Riku Replica, and even Isa and—

But saving his friends had been difficult enough. What would it take to save his enemies, too?

He put his head in his hands. "You were right, Kairi. It'll never be over."

A/N: Glad to finally be able to share the scene where Sora reads Kairi's letter with you all. Hope you enjoyed the chapter, and thank you for reading!