Chapter 27 – Control

"Again."

Sora groaned and picked himself off the sand, brushing stray clumps of it off his pants. He grabbed his damp jacket from the ground nearby and wiped his sweaty face on it.

They might be inside Merlin's Time Chamber, but Riku had used it to create an environment like home. And right now it was summer, and that meant it was really hot. Riku paused to take a swig from his battered water bottle, then wiped his mouth. Sora closed his eyes and tried to summon the darkness from deep within him. It was roiling underneath the surface, but he'd put such strong blocks around it that he couldn't access it except in small amounts.

Which was exactly the problem. The only time it was going to come out in larger amounts was if something, or someone, shattered those blocks and made him explode. And that was a recipe for a disaster. A very Heartless looking disaster, and after Xehanort's possession, Sora had the suspicion his Heartless form would probably be reaching Darkside levels at this point.

Great. The last thing we need is for me to turn into more of a monster than I already am.

Riku had been trying to help him find an outlet, but it hadn't been going too well. It didn't help that as much as Riku accused Sora of holding back, he was careful not to say anything to provoke him.

"Try thinking about a time when you were angry," Riku suggested. "Anger is a good conduit for darkness."

Well, that wasn't hard. All Sora had to do was picture what Xehanort had made him do to Kairi and Riku, and an entire volcano's worth of emotions erupted from deep within him. Add in Kairi's experimentation, and he was about ready to explode.

"Whatever you're doing, keep doing that. See that dark aura around you? That's a good sign."

Sora looked at his arms and legs. Sure enough, they were glowing with a purple-black energy. "Are you sure?" he asked, giving Riku a doubtful look.

"Yes. Keep thinking about whatever it was that made you upset."

"...Okay." That sounds like terrible advice, Riku, but whatever.

"Now try to hit this." Riku held up an old wooden shield that looked like one of the ones they'd used to spar with as kids.

"With my Keyblade?"

"With whatever. Just… think about that thing that made you angry, and imagine it leaving your body and colliding with the shield. Let it flow out of you."

Sora raised his eyebrow. "You know, the more you talk, Riku, the more it sounds like you actually want me to become evil."

Riku groaned. "Just shut up and do it, Sora. We have to start somewhere."

Sora stared at the shield and imagined it was Xehanort. Darkness shot out of his hands and shattered the shield into hundreds of tiny wooden splinters. Thankfully Riku had the sense to throw it in the air and jump out of the way a moment before that happened.

He took one look at the ruined shield and sighed. "No, no, I told you to release the darkness, not to use it to attack."

"What's the difference?" Sora asked. He didn't see why it mattered.

"Releasing the darkness lets it leave your body. It's like…" Riku paused, trying to think of a good analogy. "It's like how you feel better after you cry. It's a conduit for your negative feelings. It lets them out before they have time to build up and explode, destroying everything around you."

Sora nodded. "Makes sense." He always felt better after crying.

"But using darkness to attack," Riku continued, "is completely different. You're drawing on the darkness again, but this time it's not so you can release it. It's so it builds up inside of you so much that it fills you and controls you. Maybe not at first. Maybe you'll still have some control. But it always takes over in the end, and then you're the tool instead of the other way around. Don't let that happen. Make darkness the tool instead."

The way Riku explained it matched Sora's experiences with his own Heartless form. But he still had a question.

"How do you turn the darkness into light?"

Riku picked another wooden shield off the ground. "One step at a time, Sora. We'll get there eventually. It's just going to take time." He took one look at Sora's pout and rolled his eyes. "You can't expect to figure this all out right off the bat. And if you push yourself too hard, it's just going to blow up in your face."

Sora sighed. "Fair enough." It was just hard not to feel like this was all a waste of time when Kairi was in danger.

If you weren't so weak, if you weren't such a failure, you could be protecting her right now. Like you should be. Like you want to be.

Ever since Kairi had put her barrier around his heart, he hadn't heard so much as a peep from Xehanort. But a new voice had replaced him, a shadowy Sora with yellow eyes and dark thoughts.

Sora had no idea what to make of it. Was it simply the next stage of his Heartless form? It sure looked like it, except that it could talk. Heartless couldn't talk.

Is this my true self? Or is all the darkness inside me coming alive?

He thought about Ven and Vanitas. Was it possible he could create someone like Vanitas from his darkness? He shuddered. No. That separation had nearly killed Ven. It was unnatural, and only through a miracle had Ven's life been spared.

Then that means… this darkness is a part of me. I have to embrace it.

He thought of its creepy smile, its yellow eyes, its thirst for blood.

I don't want to.

He sighed again and raked his hand through his hair. This was going to be a long, hard battle.

When Terra finally joined up with them the next day, Sora knew better than to ask where he'd been.

Probably has something to do with the main plan, and we can't risk me knowing. Still, ever since Kairi put that barrier around my heart, I haven't heard anything from Xehanort. Maybe it would be okay for me to know.

Better let it sit for a few more days though, just in case. Thankfully, Riku had had enough of home's sweaty, sticky heat to last for a while and had transformed the Time Chamber into the clearing of a nice cool wood instead.

"Alright, Terra," Riku said, "show me what we practiced back on Destiny Islands."

He brought out another one of those wooden shields again, and Terra summoned his Keyblade. Sora watched as Terra bit his lip and furrowed his brow, then darkness shot out of his Keyblade and hit the shield. An instant later, that darkness became orbs of light and floated up to the ceiling.

Terra wore a triumphant look on his face, and Riku likewise grinned. "Great. That's great. I'll start working with you on the next step." He turned towards Sora. "But first, Sora, your turn. Remember what I told you before."

Sora summoned his Keyblade and pointed it at the shield. Nothing happened.

Riku cleared his throat and lowered the shield to his side. "Sora, you have to access the darkness."

Sora took a deep breath. "I know. It's just not very fun, thinking about my worst memories."

"Doesn't have to be the worst ones, just something that makes you upset."

Something that makes me upset. Something that makes me upset.

He thought of Kairi's kiss, of the way Xehanort had taunted her and told her it hadn't worked afterwards. The hurt look on her face, the tears in her eyes.

Yeah, that memory will work. It'll do just fine.

Riku lifted the shield up again. "There you go, easy does it—"

In retrospect, maybe that memory hadn't been such a good idea. The darkness finally came out, but it wouldn't stop. It just kept coming and coming and growing and growing.

One thing spilled into another and why are Terra and Riku looking at me like that, why do they both have their Keyblades out and pointed right at me? They're attacking me and it hurts, it hurts and I have to get them to stop.

But his voice wouldn't come out and his arms were too long and they were pitch black and thick as a tree trunk, those weren't his arms, they couldn't be. And Terra and Riku were small, too small. He was shorter than both of them but he must be in the air now because they were on the ground and his eyes were so far away from them.

None of this made any sense and he didn't understand.

"Sora! Pull it together!" Riku shouted, cartwheeling out of the way as Sora lifted his hands to his head and let out a bellow.

What's wrong with my voice? What's happening to me?

Terra finally let his Keyblade disappear. "Riku, I don't think this is working!"

"We could really use Kairi's help right now," Riku muttered. He threw his Keyblade to the ground and turned to Sora.

"Sora, this isn't you! Think about something, anything to help you calm down! Kairi, home, your favorite chocolate, anything!"

Sora tried to answer, but the words wouldn't come out. He just made a horrible growling noise instead.

"Think, Sora, think!" Terra shouted up to him. "The last time this happened, what helped you calm down?"

Kairi. Kairi did. Her arms wrapped around him, even though he was a monster and had no business being anywhere near her. Her voice, gentle and firm and insistent.

"Come back to me."

Riku's face lit up. "That's it! Keep thinking about whatever it is you're thinking about right now!"

The room was swaying all around him and he felt cold and sick now. He focused on Kairi's voice, letting it lead him back to the ground, back to himself. The grassy ground was solid and real beneath his feet and he collapsed into a pile onto it.

When he lifted his hands, they were his again. He brought them to his face and felt eyes and nose and lips and chin. Human.

"Sora—"

He ignored Riku and Terra. He ignored them and fled, fled out of the chamber and past Yuffie and Aerith and Cid, out of Merlin's house and past all the people and their curious expressions, past all of the cobblestone streets and thatched houses to the castle. He didn't stop until he was completely out of breath, then stumbled against a stone wall in some abandoned garden and slumped against it.

I'm a monster. Xehanort's gone but I'm still a monster.

He must have said that part out loud because somehow Terra had found him. He crouched next to him on a spot where the overgrown grass was reclaiming the walls and pavement piece by piece.

"No, you're not," Terra simply said.

Wrong. "You saw me back there. You saw what I became."

The dark Sora nodded his agreement in the back of Sora's head, but Terra wasn't so easy to convince. He sighed and shook his head. "You transformed into a Darkside, it's true. But that doesn't make you a monster."

Sora removed his hand from his face and glared. "Really? Then what does, exactly?"

"Sora, the darkness inside of you is out of control, but you're not a monster. The only monster I know is Xehanort."

Sora sat up and plucked a dandelion from the ground, then another one. He started tying the stems together in a chain like he and Kairi always used to do back home. "Easy for you to say, when you're getting control of your darkness so quickly."

It hadn't taken him any time at all to follow Riku's advice. He'd done what Sora couldn't and had made it look easy.

Terra chuckled at that. "It hasn't been quick, not at all. I've been trying to deal with this for years. You're just getting to see the later stages of it."

Sora added another flower to his chain. "How do you and Riku do it? There's just too much, and it comes out all at once and I can't control it."

You don't have to control it. Let me control it instead, came the dark Sora's whispered advice. Sora ignored him and tried to focus on Terra instead.

Terra plucked some dandelions of his own and handed them over to Sora to add to his chain. "You've already taken the first step by acknowledging it exists. It took me years to do that. I tried to hide it and push it down and that only makes it worse."

Sora sighed and rubbed his eyes. "So it exists. Great. Now what do I do?"

Terra was silent for a moment. "You have to think about why it exists."

"That's easy. It's because I have too much anger and hatred inside of me." And it wasn't about to go anywhere, from the looks of it. Not when it had become so lifelike, setting up its residence in Sora's mind and heart like it belonged there.

Terra summoned his Keyblade and traced its blue handle. "But why? What do you hate? Why are you angry?"

Sora couldn't help but think that Terra sounded a little bit like Xemnas right now. Or maybe Xemnas was the one who sounded like Terra.

He set his flower chain down and furrowed his brow. "Xehanort, I guess. I'm angry about what's he's done. I'm angry about what he made me do."

"Sora, your anger at Xehanort. Do you think it's good or bad?"

Sora raised his eyebrow. "It turned me into a Darkside, so I'm gonna go with bad."

"But you're angry because of all the terrible things he's done, aren't you?"

"Well, yeah."

Terra let his Keyblade disappear and sat up straighter. "Did you ever stop and think that maybe you should be angry? That it would be wrong for you not to be?"

Sora tied the last two stems together to complete the dandelion chain. When they were kids, this was the point when he would have crowned Kairi as his princess and she would have crowned him as her prince. But with no Kairi around, he didn't really know what to do with it.

"Yeah," he finally said. "Trust me, I know I have every right to be angry. That's not my problem. My problem is that all this anger has nowhere to go. It's just stewing around inside me till it explodes and turns me into a monster."

Terra nodded. "That's why Riku's trying to help you find an outlet for it. Sora, is there anything you can redirect it towards?"

Sora tossed the dandelion chain over his shoulder and shrugged. "The Heartless? That's what I always did before. Just took it out on them. Maybe not the best way to handle it, but at least I wasn't hurting my friends."

"I meant more along the lines of dealing with the source."

Sora raised his eyebrow. "Xehanort? If I attacked him in my current state, he'd probably try to take control of me again. And… as much as I hate him, there's something else I hate more."

Terra leaned closer. "Yes? What would that be?"

Sora leaned against the wall and sighed. The memories of his friends' pain came back to him, the pain he couldn't prevent, the pain he couldn't stop.

"I hate it when my friends hurt. I hate how what Xehanort's done has led to so much pain. I want to make it stop, but I can't."

"Who says you can't? Take all that anger and rage you feel and let it drive you to put an end to their hurt and yours. Let it motivate you to fight, but don't let it be the reason why."

Terra's words reminded him of what Kairi had said. Of how he'd realized that maybe he could make good come of this.

Was it possible he could make something good come of his anger and rage, too? He pulled out Kairi's lucky charm and stared at it, caressing the ridged shells between his fingers.

"Turn the bad into good," he said softly. "Turn the darkness into light."

"Exactly. Fight for the sake of your friends. And Sora?"

He lifted his head again. "Yeah?"

Terra ruffled his hair, just like he always ruffled Ven's. "Fight for your own sake, too."

The next day and then the next came and went. The days kept spilling into each other until a few weeks had gone by. Terra made steady progress, but after the Darkside incident Sora had volunteered to mostly stick to the sidelines and watch for now.

The dark Sora inside his head wasn't pleased about this, not one bit. It wanted to fight and destroy, but Sora wouldn't let it. It sat there, sulking but silent except for the occasional request to let its bloodlust be satisfied.

What are you waiting for? Why don't you just go after Xehanort now? it whispered. You want to kill him, don't you? He's human. He doesn't stand a chance against your Heartless form.

Sora rolled his eyes. If you think the way to win is to use the darkness, you're wrong. I won't ever beat Xehanort at his own game. I have to change the rules and fight him on my own terms instead.

He thought back to the way Kairi and Riku had freed him from Xehanort, how he'd freed himself. And for your information, there is something stronger than the darkness. It's the one advantage I have.

It was the dark Sora's turn to roll its eyes. What, the light? Your friends? It made a gagging noise. Love?

Sora let it keep pestering him but didn't answer. He turned his attention back to Terra and Riku.

In the last few weeks, Terra had moved beyond small stationary targets to moving ones, then to humanoid enemies, then to sparring with Riku directly. He had adjusted pretty well; about nine times out of ten he was able to do what Riku told him to.

Since Sora wasn't doing much of anything besides watching, he'd had a lot of time to think. Think and write. He hadn't forgotten his promise to Kairi, and he'd made an effort to write her often. Pulling out her diary, he looked over one of his earlier letters to her to stave off the boredom. No letters from her had arrived yet, but with the wonky way time worked in here, that wasn't really a surprise.

Dear Kairi,

As the days go by without you here, I can't help but wonder. Is this how you always felt when I was gone? Always wondering what I was up to, when I was going to come home to you, hoping and believing I was safe even though you didn't know for sure?

If so, then I'm sorry. Waiting is a lot harder than I thought it would be, and I've asked you to do an awful lot of waiting for me. I guess it was only fair that I had to do some waiting for you for once.

But geez, this is difficult. I know I have training with Riku and Terra to keep me busy, but it's not the same as having you here. Before, when I was on my own journeys, there was so much going on that it was only in the quiet moments that I really had time to think. And believe me, I did. I thought about you a lot. And now that I have all the time in the world, that means you're always on my mind.

Riku complains about how much trouble I'm having focusing. And the skills he's trying to teach me… I don't know what it is, but I can't pick them up. You know how I am. Normally I learn new stuff pretty quickly, but ever since Xehanort possessed me, it's like there's this mental fog I can't break through.

Maybe it's the after effects. I remember the things Xehanort showed me to get my heart to succumb. How could I ever forget any of that. But my memories of what happened next are foggy. I mean, it's probably for the best. Remembering everyone else's pain is bad enough. I really don't want to remember my own on top of it.

Especially not when I look at the fading scars on my arms and wrists.

At least I'm not having nightmares anymore. I haven't seen Xehanort in my dreams again since you put your barrier around my heart. Thank you for that. I am hearing a new voice though, a shadowy version of myself that says my darkest thoughts. Not sure what to really make of that.

Anyway, there was something else I wanted to talk to you about. From what you said before, it kind of sounds like you had memory loss similar to mine about your experimentation. Is it bad that that makes me relieved?

Part of me wonders if I should just ask Naminé to make all my memories go away, because then I wouldn't have to deal with the pain that comes with them anymore. But I can't do that. This is all a part of me now and I have to face it.

About my training, we had an incident a couple days ago. I lost control and transformed into a Darkside.

Yeah, you read that right. It was pretty bad. The good news is that Terra at least is getting control of his darkness. He and Riku managed to get me under control by telling me to think about you. No one got hurt, thankfully, and at least one of us is making progress.

I've transformed into a Heartless-like creature before that I call Anti-Form. You've seen it once, when we fought Vanitas. It happens when my emotions take over and I temporarily succumb to the darkness within me. I guess it's an after effect of turning into a Heartless. Maybe it'll always be a part of me.

But this time was a whole new level. It felt awful. I was just a ball of pure hatred and rage and I never want to go through that again.

How do I get this out of me before it turns me into a monster? How do I get rid of all this anger before it takes control of me? I don't want to live like that. Terra said it's a path he went down and he doesn't want me to walk it.

There's so much more to me than my anger and hurt. All the other feelings inside me, all my memories, all my hopes, all my dreams— I don't want to become an empty shell driven only by my hatred and rage. My heart's a lot bigger than that. But the anger and rage and hate are still a part of me and I can't just wish them away. I have to deal with them somehow if I want to be of any use against Xehanort.

But enough about me. Tell me about your adventures. Hearing about them will help cure some of my restlessness. Or at least I hope it will. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to settle down and have a normal life after this. I think that a part of me is always going to want to go off on a new adventure.

Yours truly,

Sora

"Sora?" came Riku's voice.

Sora snapped the book shut. "Sorry."

Riku held the wooden shield in his hand. "Terra's taking a break right now. Do you want to try again?"

Sora tucked the diary into his pocket and sighed. "Not really. I still don't feel any better today."

No thanks to you, jerk.

The dark Sora merely grinned.

Riku lowered the shield to his side, and his mouth formed a tight line. "I won't force you, but Sora, we have got to figure something out."

"I know." The worry lines around Riku's eyes were especially prominent today. Sora wondered if he could lay claim to the one at the corner of his right eye and start calling it mini-Sora. He was pretty sure it had appeared because of him, anyway.

Riku raked a hand through his hair and sighed. "Maybe we should just let you wail on a bunch of Heartless or something. Might help you get it out of your system if you have something to attack. I'm sure the Restoration Committee could use the extra help."

Something to attack. Something to attack.

"Not Heartless," Sora said as he stood and walked to the door. "I've got another idea."

Riku gave him a concerned look that made mini-Sora extra prominent. "Sora?"

"Don't worry, I'm fine. There's just something I have to do. I'll be back when I'm done, I promise."

While the Restoration Committee was working hard to restore Radiant Garden, there were certain parts of the world that weren't really safe or under control yet.

The castle was one of them. Ansem's study was about the only part of it that had been successfully reclaimed, and Sora knew what he was looking for wasn't in there.

As he fought his way through the occasional group of Heartless in the castle's maze of corridors and halls, some instinct told him to go deeper underground. Time lost all meaning as he went deeper and deeper, searching for what he knew must still be here.

At last he stumbled upon a staircase that led him into a familiar hallway. He'd been here before, or at least a version of this place, at the End of the World, and then again in Xehanort's memories. There was the doorway up ahead. He took a deep breath and placed his hands on it. They were shaking so badly it took him a few moments to muster enough force to get the door open.

There it was. Just like in Xehanort's memories. The same awful tank and machine, still here after all this time. The place of Kairi's torment, and who knows how many other people's, too.

Sora's blood boiled. The darkness bubbled up from deep within him, and this time he didn't try to stop it. It was right to be angry. It was right to be horrified. This place represented everything he despised. Cruelty, injustice, suffering. All the things he wanted to put an end to. It was okay to be angry about those things.

Destroy. Destroy, the dark Sora whispered, and for once Sora agreed. His Keyblade appeared in his grasp and the darkness came out of him like a tidal wave. It swept up the tank and engulfed it. And as it did, Sora could feel each swell and lull of it as it crashed against the tank. It was a part of him and that meant he could take the tank inside himself. He took all the pain and horror it represented and swallowed it whole. Then, with one last great effort, he tore it from the ground and shattered the glass into thousands of pieces.

When he glimpsed his reflection in a broken piece of glass at his feet, his eyes were yellow and his face inky black. But all around him orbs of light floated through the air. He held out his smoking hand, and one of them landed on it. That light spread up his arm and restored him to his rightful appearance.

It was strange. All through that time, he'd had control. He and his dark side had been in perfect agreement. The darkness had even obeyed his commands.

Is this what Riku's been trying to teach me all along?

Riku stared at the creature of darkness before him and took a deep breath. This hadn't been what he'd expected, exactly, when Sora had said he had something to show them.

"Um, Sora? Can you hear me?"

The creature gazed at him with steady yellow eyes and nodded, and Terra started. Well, Riku couldn't really blame him. Sora's Darkside incident still had everyone spooked.

"Watch this," Sora said, and Riku just about jumped out of his skin. Sora had never spoken in his Heartless form before, and it was unnerving, to say the least. His voice was deeper and had an animalistic growl to it, but it was undeniably his.

But that didn't compare to the shock Riku felt when Sora successfully summoned his Keyblade and went after all the enemies in the room.

Terra's jaw likewise dropped. "Sora, how are you doing that? That shouldn't be possible!"

"Looks like it is now," Riku said and grinned.

Sora performed one last swoop and landed on his feet in front of them.

"Good work, Sora." Riku put his hand on Sora's shoulder and squeezed. Sora smiled back, a toothy grin that was trying to be heartwarming but just… no.

"Don't ever smile at me in that form again," Riku said, shuddering. Sora let out a guttural sound that was probably supposed to be a laugh before transforming back into himself.

"Better?" As he gave Riku a mischievous but very human smile, it struck Riku that this was the first time since his possession that he had smiled like that. Sure, he'd smiled at Kairi a couple of times, but this smile was playful, joyful, free from any sort of guilt or shame.

Riku fought the lump gathering in his throat. "Y-yeah. A lot better." He turned to Terra so Sora wouldn't notice his eyes watering. "Well? Do you think he's ready?"

Terra nodded. "I'd say so." He thought for a moment, and then his smile turned devious. "Something tells me Xehanort won't be expecting this."

Dear Kairi,

A lot's happened since I last wrote to you.

You know that dark Sora I told you about? Well, I finally got it under control by merging with it. I guess it wasn't really accurate to call it dark Sora, to treat it like it wasn't a part of me all along. Because that's exactly what it was. It wasn't something other; it wasn't a monster; it was just me.

Ever since I accepted that, I haven't had any more losses of control. Riku and Terra have been really patient with me, and I'm making good progress now.

Which brings me to my next point. They're needed soon for whatever the next phase of the The Plan is, and Riku thinks I'll be ready to come with them to Twilight Town. Not to actually help with The Plan, but to take some of our allies off world so we won't have seven potential Guardians hanging around one place for too long.

I haven't gotten to see Roxas or Naminé or Xion since my rescue. I want to see them, but I'm also really dreading it. What do I even say, when we lost Lea because of me?

Yeah, yeah, I know you said it wasn't my fault. But it wouldn't have happened if you guys hadn't had to come rescue me. I can't help but feel guilty.

Guess I'll have to figure something out though. One step at a time. Knowing you're in this with me makes it easier. Thank you, Kairi. Thank you for sticking with me.

I hope your adventures are going well. But more than that, I want to see you again soon. I really meant what I said, you know. I'm going to end this, once and for all, so we can finally be together.

Yours truly,

Sora

P.S. Your heart barrier still seems to be working. No Xehanort tormenting me in my dreams.

Now if only we could get him to stop tormenting everyone in real life, too.

A/N: I wanted to explore what might happen if Sora got control over Anti-Form and what that would look like, and thus the idea for this chapter was born. Hope you enjoyed, and as always, thank you for reading!