Chapter 3: Garcia

"So… Emily's a lesbian, huh?"

JJ groaned at the suggestive lilt that had infiltrated Garcia's voice. Morgan and Prentiss were barely out the door. "I guess so?" she replied evasively.

"You guess so?!" Garcia repeated, gripping her best girlfriend's arms excitedly. "JJ, you have been in love with Emily for like three years. Remember? Three years of 'Okay, but, Penelope, there's no way she'd ever be interested in me!' and 'There's nothing I can do if she's straight, Penelope!' Well, she's not! So just what are you going to do about that? Huh?"

"Nothing!" JJ bit out. She shook Garcia off brusquely and did her best to glare at her friend. "Maybe you're right and I should've asked her out before. But I've missed my chance, Pen. It wouldn't be right to try something now. She trusts me and I can't jeopardize that."

"Don't think I didn't see her kissing you goodbye," Garcia reminded her. But she forced herself to cool down a bit, sitting down beside JJ and wrapping a protective arm around her. "Jayj, she took a bullet for you. It's not like you can say she doesn't care."

"No, no, no… I don't have time to break down right now," JJ schooled herself, beginning to panic as tears filled her eyes. "Pen, Emily and Morgan could come back anytime!" She bit her lip hard and tried to distract herself, but it was useless. "…She doesn't even remember doing it, anyway. She saved my life and whenever I bring it up she gets annoyed at me. She says she doesn't want to know about what she can't remember. She wants to figure things out on her own, slowly. And I don't know if I can do that, Pen. I don't know if I can start again like we're strangers on a train when I love her so much."

"You're doing a great job, gumdrop. You really are," Garcia consoled her. "And trust me when I say that Emily knows how much you care about her, whether you want her to or not." She gave a weak smile. "She's still the same person, Jayj. Our Emily's no idiot."

"I'm the idiot," JJ moaned, wiping the tears from her eyes furiously. "I should've told her how I felt before and now it's too late. We're stuck at different stages. There's no way it'll work out. Emily's known me for all of two days, and I've known her for years. I've shared a motel room with her, got drunk with her, told her a million secrets that I've never told anyone else and now even she can't remember them."

"You can do those things again," Garcia insisted. "Isn't the fact that she's alive and here all that matters? We could've been burying her today."

JJ hid her face in Garcia's neck and cried until her eyes were red, irritated, and, finally, empty. When she pulled back she apologized, even though she knew Garcia would shrug it off. Then she straightened up.

"I can't let Em come back and see me like this," was all she would say. "Stay here and I'll be back when I'm presentable again."

"Great, now you're leaving me too!" Garcia whined, but she patted JJ's back understandingly. "Go on," she encouraged her. "I'll hold the fort."

Morgan and Emily returned not long after, looking pretty pleased with themselves.

"Hey, sweet mama," Morgan greeted Garcia. He offered an arm to help Emily out of her wheelchair and back into bed in a proper gentlemanly fashion.

"Hiya, gorgeous," Garcia shot back distractedly. She'd noticed Emily's face fall as she realised JJ was gone but she didn't ask where she was. Garcia got the impression that she was telling herself not to expect JJ around 24/7 and chastising herself for caring. "JJ shouldn't be long," she said anyway.

Emily shrugged as if she didn't care either way. "I should rest or something."

Garcia raised an eyebrow. "Emily, you hate hospitals and you hate resting, no matter how beat up you are. Don't deny it. You're still the same woman I know and love."

Emily's eyes narrowed at the presumption and Morgan stepped in.

"Maybe we should take a hint and leave, baby girl," he suggested.

"Then you leave," Garcia bit back, taking the seat right near Emily's bed, which JJ usually occupied. "I'm not letting our princess wallow by herself."

"Garcia, I'd appreciate it if you did..." Emily admitted and Garcia was quiet for a few moments, torn between accepting Emily's decision and her own natural instinct to mother and protect.

"You know, you pushed us away when you first joined the team too," she remembered. "I mean, you were crazy happy and grateful to be a part of what we were doing and you showed it, but whenever we asked you something personal you made an excuse not to answer. You were happy to work with us and even have fun with us after, but it was like you thought if you showed your fears or weaknesses, we'd decide you weren't one of us after all. Like you thought you weren't good enough but you'd managed to trick us into thinking you were. You were expecting us to realise at any second what a fraud you were and then we were gonna kick you out or something… But we never thought, Emily. You earned your place. You're one of us forever, whether you know it or not. You, me, JJ, Morgan, Hotch, Rossi, Reid… It is us against the whole world of bad guys out there and there is nothing we won't do for you. Even if that means disobeying your orders, Em. I'm not leaving."

Emily expression didn't change. If anything, it soured further. "Listen, Penelope. Those other three names you just said? Rossi, Hotch, Reid? They mean nothing to me. I know you're trying to tap into some deeply buried feeling of pride or community you think I must have about being part of this 'team' but I don't feel a thing. The Emily you know and love may look like me, but right now, I'm not her. She may as well be dead, get it? That's why you need to go."

"Em—"

"Stop," Emily insisted. "You can't guilt me into remembering. As far as I'm concerned, you're just someone I met this morning. Thanks for the flowers and chocolates. But I don't want to pretend anymore."

Morgan and Garcia were gone when JJ returned and Emily was faking very hard at being asleep. JJ had taken the time to reapply her make up and grab a coffee before coming back, trusting that Emily would be in good hands with their friends. She was more than a little peeved to find them gone.

"Chai latte, right?" Emily sighed without opening her eyes. She knew that JJ was sitting right in front of her. "I remembered that. It's the only damn thing I can remember. I kissed your cheek once and you smelled sweet and spicy like a chai latte."

"Right now I probably smell like disinfectant and bleach," JJ answered as she glanced around the hospital room. "Really alluring, I'm sure. …But I'm glad you remembered."

"JJ, you're plenty alluring." Emily's voice was sad and dismissive and JJ didn't understand.

"You think so?" she asked uncertainly.

"Of course…" Emily opened her eyes and looked up at the woman before her, meeting curious eyes. "But Morgan's right. I can't trust the way I feel right now. Too much is going on."

"Hold on a second, what exactly did Morgan say?" JJ asked, trying to calm her beating heart. Out of nowhere, her pulse was hammering so hard, she was sure it was on the brink of being audible.

"It doesn't matter."

"Emily, what's wrong?" JJ's voice was desperately concerned. "Did someone say something to you? Morgan or Garcia?"

Emily let out an angry sigh. "Why would it be anything about them, Jayj?" she snapped. The familiar nickname rolled off her tongue without her noticing it. "They're strangers to me! Everyone is a fucking stranger to me. I wouldn't recognise my own mother if she walked in the door right now!"

"Look at me, Em," JJ begged. "Sit up and look at me."

"I can't. I'm in pain. I was shot, for fuck's sake."

"Don't give me that. Sit up!" JJ's voice was firm and Emily complied, albeit grudgingly. JJ helped her shift the pillows behind her to a more comfortable position, then she sat on the edge of her bed and held Emily's hand tight. "Look me in the eye and tell me who I am."

"You're Jennifer Jareau. JJ," Emily replied sharply. "And I may as well have laid eyes on you for the first time two nights ago."

"Weak attempt. You know me better than that."

Emily was incredulous. "I don't think you understand how amnesia works, Jennifer."

"I understand how you work, Emily, and I know you've figured out more about me than my name in the past two days, so try again," JJ replied. Realising how harsh her voice was coming out, she tried easing her grip Emily's hand. "Tell me who I am, Em," she begged.

Emily scowled and tugged her hand away. "You work with me at the FBI," she muttered. "You know my favourite author and you brought me things you thought I'd like having with me while I'm in hospital. You barged in on me when you knew I didn't want to see anyone and despite my doctor explicitly telling you that I couldn't have visitors. You looked like you were going to vomit when I told you I was gay, not because it bothered you but because thinking you'd done or said something to make me feel like I couldn't tell you made you feel ill." Emily's expression was softening despite her best efforts to stay strong. She met JJ's eyes with a look that was almost mournful. "I know you climbed into bed with me and held me to reassure yourself that I was still the same person—the same shape, the same skin as the woman you knew—but I'm not the same person, JJ. And right now that is breaking my heart because I really like you and I think you might have been in love with the person I used to be."

"Em, how do you know if you don't remember?" JJ asked tearfully. "From where I'm sitting, you haven't changed at all. You've never talked a lot about your insecurities. Sometimes I wish you'd talk about them more—I worry about all the feelings you bottle up. But I have seen this side of you before." She knitted her hands together and tried to beat down the anxiety this confession was bringing out in her. "…There was one night we were away on a case, Emily, and the inn we stayed at had a lounge room downstairs with a big fireplace. You and I sat there all night, alone, and you admitted things I never heard you talk about before or after. We kept the fire going until the small hours of the morning and drank copious amounts of complimentary sachet coffee… When we finally got up to leave, you took my hand and pulled me close and kissed my cheek and I would've smelled like chai lattes, just like you remembered. You brushed the pad of your thumb across the back of my hand and I thought you were going to kiss me. I held my breath and waited but you pulled away. I regretted not stopping you…"

"Why didn't you?" Emily asked, but JJ shook her head.

"It was early morning, we were sitting by the fire, feeling toasty with our warm pink cheeks and hot drinks. I could hear the flames crackling and I was staring at you like a lovesick puppy, I swear. It didn't strike me that you could've missed the signs that I wanted you," JJ let out a soft, self-deprecating laugh. "I thought that if you didn't kiss me then, you must really not have any desire to at all. …And besides, you never told me you were a lesbian."

"Are you?" Emily asked.

"What? Am I gay?"

Emily inclined her head slightly. A 'yes'.

JJ seemed to consider this. Although if she was honest, she'd thought about it more than once before—that night by the fireplace being just one example. "So far it's only you," JJ admitted. "I mean, as far as girls go… I don't know what I am. But, Emily, I'm in love with you."

"Morgan told me I shouldn't say anything about being attracted to you," Emily told her. "And I agreed. It's too messed up. You're in love with me. You've known for a while now. I've only got two full days of memories under my belt. JJ, I feel something, but it's too soon. I can't— I can't say I feel as strongly as you do."

"I never expected you to," JJ breathed and she almost sounded relieved. "Em, believe it or not, this is good news to me. If what you're saying is that I have a chance, someday... I didn't even think I had that."

Emily leaned forward and captured JJ's lips softly, experimentally, and she was overwhelmed by the flood of emotions that simple touch sent crashing through her. The slightest sigh from JJ's lips made Emily's heart skip in her chest, and she pulled her in closer, feeling truly amazed and blessed. This woman wanted her. This incredible woman wanted her. But a thought struck Emily and she had to pull away. She did it slowly, letting the touch of their lips linger for as long as possible, not knowing when or if she'd get the chance to kiss JJ again.

"We've never done that before, have we?" she asked hopefully, and JJ shook her head, blushing. "…Good," Emily breathed out. "I'm glad I didn't forget it. And I'm glad it was you and me, not you and the me before."

"You and me," JJ repeated. "Whether you get your memory back or not. It's you and me." She closed her eyes and brushed her cheek against Emily's neck. Out of nowhere, she felt exhausted. "I want to date you," she whispered. "We can learn more about who you are now together. I know you don't really believe it yet, but I do love you. As you are, no matter what."

"I know I want to kiss you again—is that enough?"

JJ smiled and stroked a hand across Emily's cheek softly. "Yes, Em. For now, that's enough."