Chapter 4: Hotch

Aaron Hotchner was not a man who showed a lot of emotion. Emily had been warned about that. It was now the fourth day since her injury and Hotch arrived early in the morning to see her. She'd been told he was a workaholic but when JJ called and told him Emily wanted to see him, he'd taken the morning off work. She supposed that was saying something about their relationship, even though the man's face was solemn and unreadable.

"Emily Prentiss," she introduced herself, holding out a hand.

"Aaron Hotchner," he replied, and if he found it strange to be introducing himself again after so many years working together, he hid it well. "You can call me Hotch."

"JJ said," Emily confirmed, although Aaron didn't seem the sort of man to have an affectionate nickname. She supposed there must be another side to him somewhere. "I'm not going to be able to come back to work unless I remember, am I?" she asked, knowing he was her boss and trying to be practical about her working situation. Her chances of remembering her previous life were high to begin with but she knew they were decreasing by the day.

"It'll be months before you're physically able to work in the field again," Hotch replied. "So let me worry about your job until then. You were injured in the line of duty. You'll be receiving your full pay until this is sorted out."

"Do I need to be worried about that?" Emily asked, suddenly concerned. "If I don't get my memory back and I can't do this job, am I going to be all right for money?" She wasn't sure why she assumed he'd be in the know about her financial standing but Hotch nodded reassuringly.

"You'll be fine," he promised. "Family money. You have nothing to worry about."

Family money, but no family—other than a mother Emily had yet to hear from. Suddenly she felt profoundly empty. Why had JJ left them alone to talk? She got the impression that Hotch had signalled for her to go.

"Yeah, nothing to worry about," Emily repeated, forcing a note of sardonic humour into her tone.

Hotch smiled at that. It wasn't a big, teeth-baring smile, like the ones Morgan gave her, or a soft and sweet smile like JJ's. Still, it was surprising and it made Emily feel a little better.

"In practical terms: money, your apartment, work—you have nothing to worry about," Hotch amended. "JJ is keeping your cat well fed."

"I bet when I get home Sergio will be so fat I won't recognise him," Emily replied smartly.

Hotch looked uncertain, as if unsure whether or not to laugh.

"That was a joke," Emily confirmed, offering up a small smile herself. "Although admittedly, you don't seem to be the joking sort..." She watched as Hotch glanced down at his hands and had the unsettlingly distinct impression that something had happened in his life that had impaired his ability to joke, and that he was thinking about it at that second. Emily also sensed, with equal certainty, that he wouldn't tell her what it was if she asked. "JJ's been a big help," she blurted out, determined to fill the silence. She watched his reaction carefully, wanting to know if he had suspected anything between them.

Hotch's face revealed nothing—Emily was beginning to realise that it rarely ever did. Still, his response spoke volumes. "How is she taking everything?" he asked.

Emily laughed fondly. "Better than me," she admitted.

"You're doing fine."

Emily searched Hotch's eyes and nodded acceptingly. He wasn't going to tell her that everything would all be all right, she realised. He was a realist, like her.

"This team is made up of some very different people," he said next. "I wonder how you'll like them when you aren't being forced to get along by working together."

"It's not exactly an unbiased experiment," Emily replied, although she'd wondered this too. "They all have their different ideas about who they think I am. Talking to them reminds me of that story about the six blind men and the elephant... One feels the trunk and deduces that an elephant is like a snake, while another feels the tusk and deduces that an elephant is like a spear, and so on. Each of them are correct in part, but make the mistake of assuming that what they feel is all there is. In this case, I'm the elephant. The rest of the team are the blind men."

Hotch considered this and the more Emily watched him, the more she thought she was beginning to understand the subtle flickers of his emotions. Right now, he was somewhere between impressed and amused.

"If that's true," he replied, "Once you meet the final member of our team, you should have the full picture."

"If only," Emily replied with a frown. "…What do any of the blind men know about how it feels to be an elephant?"

Hotch left Emily when a nurse arrived with her lunch but he sought out JJ before returning to the BAU. She was in the cafeteria, where she had been spending most of her time away from Emily, sipping a chai latte and staring into the middle distance. Hotch kept an eye on her as he bought himself a flat white, before surprising her by sitting down without warning.

"Hey, Hotch," she greeted him, a little jumpily. "How'd you find Emily?"

"Making jokes to compensate for my personality," Hotch answered. His voice lilted upwards good-humouredly, which was a good sign, JJ thought. "She's as attune to people as ever. I don't think she'll have a problem re-qualifying as a profiler if it comes to that. She's done all the necessary training. I'm sure we can arrange for her to sit the exam again without having to repeat it."

"Assuming she still wants to be a profiler," JJ replied. "She may not, Hotch."

Her fear was clear: What if we lose her? Without work and without her memories, would Emily slip away from the team? Wouldn't it be easier for her to make new memories somewhere else than to stick around, stuck in the unreachable past, holding on to hope?

"…How are you doing, JJ?" Hotch asked.

JJ's lip curled in annoyance. "It doesn't matter how I'm doing. Not while Emily's like this."

"Emily may always be like this," Hotch reminded her, unfazed by the cold response. "And I have enough anxiety in me to worry about both of you concurrently. So, indulge me. How are you?"

A smile broke JJ's lips against her will. "I'm fine," she insisted.

Hotch only shook his head. "Do you want to know how I know you can't possibly be fine?" he asked.

"How?" JJ sighed. She frowned into her coffee and Hotch knew that she already understood. She was just going to make him say it.

"Because," Hotch replied reluctantly, "You've been in love with her for years and three days ago she woke up with no idea who you are."

"No shit, Sherlock," JJ groaned. You hardly had to be a profiler to figure that one out. Still, although her eyes darkened with tears, JJ refused to let them fall. She lifted her head up high and held Hotch's gaze. "You know, I think she was in love with me too?"

Hotch nodded unquestioningly.

"There was one night, I almost… But I was so sure she didn't feel that away about me," JJ sighed. "I'm not sure if it would hurt more or less now if I'd ever said something. At least I wouldn't be asking 'What if…?'"

"It would have hurt either way."

JJ nodded and closed her eyes briefly, bringing her coffee up to her lips. "Sure," she replied. For a few minutes they were silent.

Finally Hotch asked, "What are you going to do?"

"Everyone keeps asking me that," JJ replied darkly. "Well, I'm doing the only thing I can do, Hotch. I'm staying with her, kissing her, letting us both pretend that it's me she loves and not just the security of being loved. And I'm hoping against hope that she will love me, really love me—

someday."

She could tell from his expression that Hotch thought it was a bad idea, yet when he followed her upstairs to say goodbye to Emily and saw them kiss hello, there was no doubting how much both of them needed it.