Chapter 5: Reid

"Spence, are you still coming?"

"I'm coming," Reid insisted. Pacing the hospital gardens, he tried to build himself up to it. "I'm, um— I'm about fifteen minutes away, okay?"

There was a pause on the other end of the line as JJ considered this. She seemed to know that something was up. "Whenever you get here," she agreed grudgingly. "But you were supposed to be here an hour ago."

Reid swallowed hard and hung up. What was wrong with him? It wasn't that he didn't want to see Emily. That was entirely it—he did want to see her and he was terrified that the woman waiting upstairs would be a stranger, that he'd already spoken to the Emily he knew and loved for the last time.

When his mother's schizophrenia had been bad, there had been several soul-crushing occasions when Reid had looked into her eyes and known she had no idea who he was. Sometimes she insisted that she did but when he asked her his own name, she'd glance around distractedly. That's not fair, she'd say. That's not fair…

The fact that it wasn't her fault she didn't remember never made it easier for either of them.

Reid passed another twenty minutes in pacing the gardens before he finally worked up the courage to enter the hospital. Then it was a full half an hour before he reached Emily's door.

JJ didn't call again but he knew she wouldn't be happy. That didn't make him any more eager to arrive either, but he couldn't put it off much longer. Emily had already been in hospital for a week by this stage.

She was laughing as he entered, which was a relief. Sitting up on top of her blankets with her legs crossed, Emily had one hand on the back of JJ's head and was leaning on the other as the blonde woman cheekily kissed a line down her collarbone.

For a moment, Reid stood at the door with his hands firmly by his sides, staring like a gawky teenager. Then Emily took him by surprise, turning her smile determinedly on him.

"Of course, you're Doctor Reid," she declared, looking him over. "Spence, right?"

Reid nodded awkwardly, unsure whether or not to tell Emily that only JJ called him that.

"Reid," JJ corrected her, saving him the trouble. "You call him Reid."

"Reid," Emily repeated, maintaining her upbeat tone. "Come sit down. You're the last member of the team on my checklist."

"Looks like you've already picked your favourite," Reid answered. He was joking, albeit uncertainly, and Emily laughed. She was overcompensating, he realised. Just like she had when she first joined the team. Trying to be someone the others would like and open up to without having to open up herself.

"Touché," she replied. "But given that my tastes run toward blonde girls, JJ and Garcia were the only two in with a chance. I saw no point in delaying my judgment. I hope you're not offended."

JJ flashed Reid an apologetic smile as he tried and failed to hide his surprise. She knew he'd always had a soft spot for her and suddenly wished she'd warned him about what was going on between her and Emily.

"I guess I'll have to settle for friendship then," Reid replied acceptingly, and JJ knew that his words were directed toward both of them. "…Emily, I've looked at your brain scans. I'm not a neurologist, but they're pretty fascinating!"

"That's the first compliment my brain's got lately!" Emily replied. "Most of the time, people use words like swollen and, occasionally, fucked up."

"Her wit's in tact," JJ remarked.

"How long do you have to stay here?" Reid asked curiously and Emily made a face, which he took to mean she hadn't forgotten her dislike like of hospitals.

"At least a month," Emily answered. "But JJ convinced my doctor to let her take me on a field trip tomorrow. Anywhere beyond these four walls sounds amazing. Real food, smells besides bleach and sick people, flowers that don't come wrapped in cellophane—!"

"Oh, I, um, meant to bring flowers," Reid began, "But I didn't get around to it. I did bring something else though…" Swallowing his nerves, he reached behind Emily's ear and pulled out a chess piece, giving it to her before retrieving the rest of the set from his satchel. It was a magnetic set—perfect for balancing on a hospital bed.

"What the hell?!" Emily laughed, twirling the chess piece between her fingers in amazement. She shot JJ a look. "You didn't tell me he was a magician! Maybe I'd rather date him after all!"

Reid looked delighted. "I thought we could play together sometime… If you want to."

"I want to," Emily promised. "Jayj, can you leave us alone for a bit?"

JJ was past being offended by this request. She knew that Emily liked to question their friends without her. She assumed it was so they could talk more freely and it didn't bother her anymore. "My caffeine levels are running low anyway," she agreed, kissing Emily's cheek lightly before standing up. She wasn't sure Reid was ready to see them lock lips, although that was definitely something she was enjoying about their newfound relationship. "See you later, Spence."

Reid sat down as JJ left, placing his satchel somewhat awkwardly between his knees. "Did you want to play chess?" he asked, looking hopeful.

Emily nodded, hoping it would make him more comfortable while they talked, but they were silent as they set up the game.

"Tell me something about myself," she suggested once they were ready. "Something nobody but you knows."

Reid made the first move before considering his response. "I thought you were figuring things out on your own?" he asked, knowing that's why it had taken a while for her to start accepting visitors.

"That was before," Emily replied, moving her piece easily. "Now I want to know everything."

"Can I ask why?" Reid replied.

Emily stared hard at the chessboard for a few moments before realising that the answer was simpler than she thought.

"Because JJ fell in love with who I was before," she answered honestly. "And I want to be that person for her."

"She doesn't buy it," Reid pointed out. "The way you were kidding around with me? She knows it's a front, I can tell."

Emily shrugged and they were silent for a few turns. "Fake it 'til you make it," she eventually replied. "I know JJ's doing the same. I want to make it easier for her to pretend."

Reid took a piece and set it aside contemplatively. "That's very you," he replied. "Always making sacrifices for others."

"How is it a sacrifice?" Emily bluffed, but she knew Reid understood. Somehow, he did.

"My mother is schizophrenic," he told her. "Sometimes, when she was, bad she forgot who I was. It hurt her as much as it hurt me… But my mom didn't have a choice. She was always coming and going, up and down. I saw your scans; your condition is stable. You could get out of here and start a new life somewhere else. You wouldn't have to see us every day and remember everything that's missing. JJ would let you go if you told her that's what you wanted."

"I don't want to," Emily answered. Her voice was low and certain and Reid respected that.

"I'm guessing you know what we do for the FBI by now?" he asked, changing the subject.

Emily nodded. "We hunt serial killers," she replied. It still felt like a bad dream. How could that be her life? It sounded awful.

"We do other stuff too," Reid told her, swiping one of her bishops. "Once we responded to a call about the leader of a religious cult who was having sex with the young girls... We went to interview one of them and got caught up in a hostage situation. I'm not proud of this, but you should be—the leader of the cult got wind that one of us was an undercover agent. You told him it was you and got yourself beaten to a pulp so I wouldn't have to."

Emily processed this silently. It was a while before she made her next move. When she did, she answered, "You're just a kid. Who wouldn't have done the same?"

"I'm not just a kid, I'm an FBI agent," Reid insisted. "And I've been on this team longer than you. You came in from a desk job—" He cut himself off there and shook his head disbelievingly. "I'm an idiot. I always forget…"

"What?"

Reid gave a sad laugh. "Before the desk job," he explained, "You worked for the CIA. Deep cover. It almost got you killed, years later. I thought you had been killed…"

"I went away," Emily realised. "JJ said something about that. I had to fake my death or something?"

"JJ and Hotch knew about it," Reid agreed, "But for the rest of us… If you'd died the other day, Emily, it would've been the second time we attended your funeral."

Emily's face was steely and Reid wondered what he'd said wrong for a minute until it became apparent that she was angry with herself. "How the hell could I do that to you guys?" she ground out. "People keep telling me how close we all are, how much we're supposed to be like a family. How the hell could I do that to you?"

Reid toyed with a pawn guiltily. "It was for our protection too," he confessed. "You didn't enjoy it any more than we did. It took me a while to figure that out. You didn't want us to be targets because of your past."

"My past!" Emily nearly shouted in frustration. "My stupid damn past. And I can't even remember it!"

"Your game is slipping, I have checkmate in three," Reid stated, trying to distract her. He was pretty sure JJ would kill him if she came back and he'd worked her girlfriend up into a fit. "Listen, Emily. The things that happened in the past, the exact events, aren't important. I can tell you every single thing I know but, the fact is, the reason that JJ loves you isn't about the things you did as much as it's about who you are. You're someone who pushed her towards a man you thought would make her happy, even though you were falling for her yourself. You're someone who once risked your life to save his, so she wouldn't have to lose him. Then, when she was pregnant, you were there for her again, before and after Henry was born. And you love Henry to death, even though he's the son she had with someone else. I should've seen it. In retrospect, it's obvious. You ran away to London and the only thing that could bring you back was knowing that JJ was in danger. You flew to Afghanistan to save her. And all of those things are amazing but only because they're the proof of something you already know: You love JJ so much it terrifies you, and you would never do anything to hurt her… Checkmate."

Emily stared down at the chessboard disbelievingly and Reid felt a stab of guilt as he realised she was holding back tears. He was shocked when Emily carefully set the board aside, leaned forward, and wrapped her arms around him.

"Thank you," she sighed deeply. "I needed that… Can we play again?"