I am back! The cruise was just so wonderful...I can't believe I am already home again...tomorrow work starts again...and I am freezing! We had 33 degrees on our cruise...now it's -4... :o(

And I got a Jetleg...not one of my favorite things in the world too :o)

Nonetheless I am writing again and so here we go with a brand new update! It's a very angsty one. I hope to get some of your great comments to read what you are thinking. Have fun!

Chapter 11 - Confession

"Are you okay?" Severide asked as he watched Casey's expression concerned.

"Yeah...I just...thinking about Darden isn't always that easy." Casey said while trying his best to focus on something else.

"I don't think it is okay to never talk about him either."

"I watched him die." Casey said silently out of nowhere watching as Severides eyes widened.

"What?"

"On that day...I watched him die."

"What are you talking about?" Severide could feel his body tensing as he could see Casey's blue eyes water.

"I was standing on the ladder and he wasn't that far away from me. I looked him straight into the eyes as he recognized that he was about to die. We both knew it in this second. I was just standing there on the ladder watching as the flames rushed over his body. I watched him die. I looked him straight into the eyes." Casey cried out getting Severide to just stare back at him.

Casey couldn't stand the memory any longer and jumped up from his couch looking around frantically just to end up on his knees in his kitchen throwing up violently into his trash cane. Severide had followed close behind and watched in misery as his best friend got everything out of his system.

As Casey finished he looked up at Severide who was still standing in the door frame, arms crossed. His face was not giving away what he was thinking. His expression was just blank but he was pale as a ghost. Casey whipped away the tears from his face angrily. How could he just loose control like this? Again?

"Why haven't you told me before? Have you talked to anyone about it?"
"Kelly we have barely talked since that day. How should I have told you? You didn't miss a second to blame me for Andy's death. Not a single second. I just accepted it because I was blaming myself and I still am. He died under my command. I will never forgive myself."

"It wasn't your fault!"

"Yes it was and it was your fault too. We all screwed up badly that day. Darden payed the price for the mood we had been in that day. We weren't concentrated and the three off us screwed up."

"Maybe you are right but how couldn't you talk about what you saw that day? You watched our best friend die. It's nothing you can get through on your own!"

"I lost Darden and with him I lost you, you blamed me in front of everyone for the death of our best friend, I lost Haley not long after, I have a mother who is sitting in jail since 15 years for murdering my father, I have a sister who isn't even talking to me so damn you Severide, to who should I have talked about it? Chief Boden so he could set me on leave or send me to a psychologist? One of my man? There was nobody!" Casey screamed at Severide while he was still sitting on the floor, tears screaming down his face.

Severide rubbed his hand over his face and inhaled deeply.

"I didn't know that." He said and wasn't sure what he meant himself. The fact that Casey had watched Darden die, the fact that he had blamed Casey, the fact that he hadn't recognized how Casey and his whole life had fallen apart during the last month, the fact that his mother was in jail for murdering his own father, Severide was shocked.

He stumbled forward and dropped to the floor beside Casey giving his shoulder a firm squeeze.

"I didn't know anything of that and I am sorry." Severide said truthfully while the two of them remained sitting on the floor, Casey crying silently with Severide rubbing circles on his back to calm him down, to show him support, to just be there for him now like he had been supposed to be during the whole time.

Casey was first to find his voice back.

"We will never talk about this day again okay?" He asked before getting up and brushing the tears off of his face forthfully.

"Okay." Severide answered getting up as well.

"So I think the game is over."

"Yeah."

"See you on shift in a few hours?"

"I have one more question before we call this day over and pretend that it never happened. Maybe it's two questions."

"Spill it."

"Why did you got the panic attack and are you going to get yourself help?"

"I don't need help."

"Everyone would need help after the things you have been through."

"I got the panic attack because I was stuck in a dark elevator with no orientation and nothing I could do about the situation. On the evening my mother shot my father the two of them where fighting pretty badly. I know they where fighting about me. Because I was weak, because I was emotional. I wanted to get to Christie but they where blocking my way. I was so afraid I got into the cabinet under the staircase. It was completely dark in there and I didn't know that there was no door handle from the inside. I heard the shot and for hours I didn't know which parent I just lost. I couldn't even think about the fact that I lost both of my parents because one of them was dead and the other one had to spent years in jail. They found me hours later. In that elevator it was just like in the cabinet and everything came through. That is what happened."
"Damn Casey...I don't know what to say..."

"Than just say nothing. I am good. I arranged myself with everything that happened 15 years ago."

"Can you forgive me for being such a stubborn ass?"

"You grieved, you did it your own way. You needed someone to blame and it was obvious that I was the one you could blame for his dead."

"Yeah but it wasn't right and I am sorry! I am so sorry!"

"I know you are and now forget about it. See you on shift tomorrow."

"Yeah."

During the night neither Severide nor Casey got too much sleep. Casey blamed himself for breaking down in front of Severide and Severide couldn't get to sleep because he was beyond worried. He blamed himself for treating Casey that way and for not recognizing how his friend was suffering but most of all he was afraid that Casey was refusing to get himself help.

As Severide entered the firehouse the next morning Casey was already dressed and getting coffee. Just yesterday Severide had noticed that Casey was always pale and looking unhealthy. He had lost weight during the last month.

"Good morning. Get me a cup I'm just getting dressed!" Severide shouted over to Matt who waved in response to show Severide he had understood.

Casey just handed Severide his cup as Mills walked in followed by Gabriela just 3 minutes after. Casey inhaled deeply as she greeted him getting a sidelook from Severide.

Gabby.

He had just forgotten about Casey and Gabby. Damn how much more could Casey manage?

"Truck 81, Ambulance 61, Squad 3. House fire."

"Here we go again!" Severide shouted while heading to his truck as well as Casey.

-Spoilers for 1x16- (but different) following...

"Cruz, Ottis, get the ladders!" Casey screamed as he watched the family on the second floor waving towards them.
"The staircase is on fire! We can't get down." The man screamed down towards them.

"Stay put. We are on our way up. Just one more second." Casey returned.

"Mills on the second ladder. Let's get them down here safely."

Just as they got down again with the family one of the kids screamed for the family dog. Casey turned around just to see Mills heading up the stairs again.

"Mills. Get down here now!" Casey screamed out but got no reaction from his candidate.

"Mills!" He screamed again before heading up the ladder as well. As he got to the window Mills had already climbed inside. Casey didn't wait a minute. As soon as he got inside as well he grabbed Mills jacket and pulled him back angrily.

"What do you think you are doing?" Casey screamed at him. His voice mumbled by the mask.

"There s a dog inside."

"Since when are we risking our life for saving a dog? Get out of here now!" Casey shouted again just as the floor underneath them began to buckle.

"Out! NOW!" He said while Mills hopped onto the ladder grabbing Casey just in time as the floor gave in.

"Lieutenant!" Mills screamed grabbing onto Caseys Jacket for dear life. He was glad that Hermann had climbed down the second ladder and helped him to get Casey back up so the three of them made their way down to the ground safely.

"Peter! Are you hurt?" Gabriela asked as soon as Mills had turned around.

"No. I am good."

"Casey what about you?" Gabriela continued while she could see the anger inside Matt's eyes.

"What the hell where you thinking?" He screamed getting in front of Mills with only two steps shoving Mills backwards not to lightly.

"Casey!" Gabriela called out while trying to get a hold of the Lieutenant.

"This will never happen again. Did I make myself clear. It was an order to stand down and you will listen to my orders!" Casey continued to scream.

"But Lieutenant I thought..."

"What? You thought what? Do you know what I think...that you weren't even thinking just a second. We both could have died in there. For what? For saving a dog? We are not invincible Mills! Should I tell you what happened the last time one of my man didn't listen and just went into a burning building? He died! He burned to death right in front of my eyes and I will never let that happen again you understand me?" "Yes Lieutenant."

"You will stay at the firehouse for the next weeks."

"But Lieutenant!"

"Did I make myself clear?"

"Yes Lieutenant."

"Casey!" Gabriela tried to stop Casey who was heading to the truck in pure anger.

"Casey! Wait!"

"What?" He asked while turning around still angry.

"You are bleeding!" Gabriela said worried getting Casey to follow her gaze and look down at his hand. Now he could feel the pain himself. Gabriela reached for his arm getting Casey to pull it back again.

"Let me have a look on that."

"It's just a scratch."

"I would love to see that on my own." Casey exhaled deeply before stretching his arm out.

"I need to patch it up."

"Not necessary. Go and get some sense into your boyfriends hero behavior."

"I think you made your point pretty clear...Lieutenant." Gabriela shot back, adding the Lieutenant full of sarcasm.

"Fine."

"Nonetheless this needs to be treated!"

"Shay can you get to the ambulance. Casey needs to be patched up!" Gabriela spoke into her radio before heading towards Mills leaving Casey all alone on the spot.

….to be continued!

SOOOOO...let me know what you are thinking. Anyone seen the promo for 1x18...can't wait. What do you think who is saving Casey? MILLS? Would be great stuff! :o)

Oh by the way new ideas are always welcome! Just add them to your comments if you have wishes!