Truly guys you are SO AMAZING! Thanks for all your great reviews!
I have got some great news: I got a Tablet yesterday and so I can get online during my ride in the train or at work sometimes which means A WHOLE LOT MORE POSSIBILITIES TO UPDATE! ;o)

So I asked for your ideas and wishes last time. I will have yours in mind Palada (Tension between Dawson and Casey because of Mills) and of course there will be a whole lot more Casey/Severide friendship.

Undergroundirector: I think I wrote the answer to the question in your review up in this Chapter. Thanks to you :o)

Any more wishes / ideas etc. write them down….I will see what I can do for you :o)

So now I hope you like the new chapter and I can't wait to read your reviews (I know as always….but I truly LOVE them all!)

Because I am so glad about your reviews this chapter is even longer than the others...just as a little "cookie" and a big THANK YOU!

Chapter 12 –Exit wounds

Back in the firehouse Casey was still way to angry. He knew that he needed to calm down but with Mills getting into superhero mood today and after the talk with Severide yesterday he couldn't help but thinking about Darden, about the call he had lost him. His arm was pounding too. Shay had fixed him up but he had refused to take something against the pain the cut was causing him. He knew that it was crazy but he needed the pain right now. He liked to feel it. It kept him grounded. Kept him from losing it. Again.

"Casey to my office." Chief Boden called out.

"Chief I had to knock some sense into Mills." Casey said defeating himself as soon as he had walked into Boden's office.

"I know and I just wanted to say that you did good today." Casey crinkled his brows in return. He hadn't expected to hear this word from the Chief.

"You and Severide, you are both Lieutenants but the way you are leading your teams is completely different. You did good today by showing Mills that you are the Lieutenant and I think it was important for the rest of your team too to see the Lieutenant Casey you can get when things are not smoothly. They can trust you as a friend, they can trust you as a Lieutenant. You have a great way to guide your Team Matt, don't ever doubt yourself."

"Thanks Chief."

"No thanks to you for leading the truck like that."

Chief Boden exhaled deeply after Casey had walked out of his office. The way he had talked about Darden today, the way he had nearly lost it...Chief Boden had watched Casey since the day Darden had died. He had been falling apart right in front of everyone's eyes but Casey was Casey. He was hiding it perfectly. Even if he was loosing weight, even if he was even calmer then normal, he was professional as always but today had shown Boden that he was mostly afraid of losing a team member again. Boden knew that Casey was full of doubts especially since Darden had died under his command. He had seen Casey struggle but he had never seen his performance slip and that was what mattered to him in the position of the Chief. In the position of a friend, maybe of a fatherly figure he was just worried and he knew that Severide was too.

Casey felt like he was carrying a stone on his shoulders as he walked back into his office. He couldn't think of anything else than the image of Darden in the flames together with Mills just climbing into that building today. The parole hearing for his mother wasn't that far away and he knew that he had to talk to her. Normally he visited her once a month in prison. Now he had to go earlier to talk to her. He had to get himself straight. He had to think about speaking at the parole hearing. It was just too much. He watched Gabriela talking to Mills out of his office window and turned away as soon as he had spotted them. He was alone and he would be alone.

As Casey arrived home he was beyond exhausted. Again he had a massage. It was his mother asking about his opinion on the parole hearing, bagging him to speak for her. Casey just deleted the message and got a bottle of vodka out of his fridge. He knew that he had to stop doing this, that he had to stop behaving like this. He had been strong all those years, he had kept it together, there was no reason to fall apart like this. Casey dropped to his couch and emptied the first glass in one large gulp. The liquid was burning in his troth. The image of Darden was hunting him so badly since seeing Mills slipping through the window without listening to his orders for just one second.

Casey emptied another two glasses before taking the bandage Shay had patched on his arm off. He looked down at the cut and went to the kitchen automatically. He grabbed on of his knifes and pressed it against the cut. Matt realized slowly what he had just done as blood began to pure out of the new fresh wound a few inches above the cut from the call.

Casey cursed before rolling a towel around his arm. What the hell was he thinking and what the hell was he doing? Casey felt dizzy and found hold on the kitchen counter. He looked down at the towel which was already coloring red with his blood.

"What have I done?" Casey asked trying to collect himself. He had to clean the wound and stop the bleeding. Slowly he made his way upstairs to his bathroom where his first aid kid was stored and tried his best to clean the mess up. The cut was way to large and to deep and it was bleeding terribly. Casey knew that he needed stitches but with stitches he wouldn't be able to work for at least two weeks and that was nothing he could face right now so he just bandaged his arm hoping that the bleeding would stop.

Casey exhaled deeply looking down at the knife as he got back to the kitchen. What the hell had he done?

As he walked into the firehouse the next morning Casey could only hope that he wouldn't need his arm that much. The wound was still bleeding and he was in pain.
Casey greeted his team and tried his best to let them think that he was in his usual mood.

"Good morning Lieutenant. Can I talk to you about yesterday?" Mills asked after knocking on his office door.

"There is nothing to talk about."

"But Lieutenant..."

"Mills there isn't going to be a conversation over what happened. I said everything I had to say yesterday on scene and you will remain in the firehouse as long as I say understand?"

"Yes."

"So. Today you can start to clean up the locker rooms and think about what happened yesterday."

"Yes Lieutenant."

Matt exhaled deeply as he watched Mills leave. He hated to be like that. He hated to push people around but he knew that it was the right way.

Casey was glad as he made it home the next morning. His arm had finally stopped bleeding during the previous day but had started again during their hell of a night shift.
Casey dropped to the couch and closed his eyes just for a second before getting up again to visit his mother in jail.

Casey got the normal procedure done and was surprised to see a visitor already sitting with his mother as he entered the secured room.

"Matt!" His mother said smiling brightly before giving her son a quick kiss to the cheek. It was all they where allowed to do.

"Hey can I introduce you to Robert, he is a friend of mine. Robert, this is my son Mathew." "Hey Robert. Nice to meet you." Casey said shaking the hand of the stranger before sitting down opposite to his mother and her so called friend.

He had never heard his mother talking about this Robert before.
"Robert is here because I have my parole hearing soon."

"I know buy may I ask what your position in this hearing is Robert? Normally only family is invited."

"Yeah that's right and it's still like that."

"But?"

"But your mother told me everything and during her description of the events there is something we can use for her parole hearing."

"Robert no stop!" Nancy said getting a questioned look from her son in return.

"Nancy it is important. During all this time it was never mentioned that you left your key at the kitchen table." Robert pointed out.

"Oh come on. What?" Casey said and Nancy could tell that he was deeply hurt.

"Robert no!"

"It's important! If you hadn't left the key on the table then…."

"Then what? Then my mother couldn't have walked straight to dad's place to shoot him? Don't you think I haven't blamed myself enough for that?" Casey nearly screamed with tear filled eyes before getting to his feet again.

"I'm done here."

"No Matt! Please wait! Mathew!" His mother begged but Casey didn't stop for a second. He had to get out of this place. He had to get fresh air. He had to breath again.

Matt hurried out of the building as fast as possible inhaling deeply as he stepped outside. He had to fight hard to keep his tears at bay. In all those years he had never stopped blaming himself for leaving the key on the table that evening. He was the one that gave his mother the opportunity to catch his father off guard and shoot him. Christie had at first tried to convince him that Nancy would have found a way to shot their father even without the key but Matt had always known deep down inside of him that she was blaming him too.

As Casey walked into his house again he couldn't even imagine the drive home. He only knew that he had made it home safely and that was all that mattered.

Casey didn't waste much time before packing his sports bag. He hadn't got much sleep during the last night. It had been a busy one but he needed to get the anger out of his system right now. He needed to focus on something different. Casey lifted the heavy sports bag with his injured arm and moaned in pain but continued to carry his bag with his bad arm. The pain was feeling good right now. At least it was a different pain than the guilt he was feeling, the guilt he was feeling for 15 years but now stronger than ever.

"Morning." Casey greeted shortly as he walked into the kitchen area of firehouse 51 the next morning. He felt miserable. He had overdone himself yesterday. He had powered his body until the point of pure exhaustion so he had to rest at the gym before he could even think about driving home again. He had overpowered himself so badly that he had thrown up several times in the evening. Today he felt exhausted and every muscle in his body was acing. His arm had started bleeding again due to the workout and Matt knew that he needed stitches but he knew that he couldn't just walk to Dawson so she could fix him back together. These times where gone now.

"Morning sunshine. Are you alright? You look like hell." Severide said as he peeked into Casey's office.

"Yeah. Didn't sleep well."

"You kidding me? I slept like a baby after the great night shift we had. Tried to call you several times yesterday."

"I recognized that but I was busy."

"What where you up to?"

"Constructing."

"Great. Where? Some new projects?"

"Kelly what is it? Are we playing question and answer here?"

"Woah okay I get it! You are not in the talkative mood today, indeed you are in a pretty pretty bad mood today."

"Something else?"

"Don't know. Something you wanna tell me?"

"No."

"Okay. You coming over for breakfast? Mills is fulfilling miracles in the kitchen again."

"The great Mills."

"Man it's your own business how to run your team but I think you need to talk to him. He looks like a wounded puppy right now."

"As you said none of your business. Anything else?"

"Okay I'm begging off." Severide said getting his arms up in defeat before closing the door to Casey's office again.

He had never seen Casey like that. No that wasn't right. He had never recognized Casey being this miserable. He had always closed his eyes when his friend was obviously feeling not too good. Today he had recognized it as soon as Casey had walked into the firehouse. He was later than normal. He wasn't up for a joke. He hadn't greeted his team properly like he usually did in the morning. He hadn't asked Hermann for any new big deals he had going on. A joke Casey and Hermann practiced since Hermanns big water investment debacle.

He had seen the purple circles underneath Casey's swollen eyes. He had recognized that he looked beyond exhausted even if he was just walking into the firehouse at the morning and he had recognized that Casey had to be in pain due to the fact how he was moving and how he was carrying his bag. Something was really off and after talking to Casey he was more than sure that he got the signs right.

"Lieutenant can I talk to you?" Mills asked as soon as he spotted Casey who made his way out off his office to head for the restroom. He had to bandage his arm again. It was bleeding badly.

Again.

"About what?"

"You haven't told me what to do today."

"Oh don't be afraid I will."

"So I am not back on the truck?"

"I didn't remember telling you so." Casey just said before heading towards the restroom.

"Do you think he hates me that much because of you?" Mills asked facing Dawson who had just been standing a few feet away but without Casey recognizing her.

"No. I think there is something else going on." Gabriela said while watching the spot Casey had just been standing seconds ago.

See breathed in heavily giving Mills her brightest smile even if she was faking it. Peter was a great guy. Maybe he was even better than she had ever imagined the guy of her dreams would be but deep down inside she couldn't deny the fact that she was caring for Casey, that she was deeply caring for him. She still couldn't believe that she had lost him. Lost his friendship, lost him by his side but at the same time she hadn't lost her feelings for him. Today she had recognized how worried she was because of his appearance but what had really gotten to her was the fact that she had been worried sick yesterday as Peter and Matt where in the building together. She had tried the whole night long to convince herself that she had been deeply worried for Peter but deep down inside she knew that she had worried about Casey a lot more.

"Something wrong?" Mills brought her out of her thoughts.

"No! Let's get some coffee. I'm tired." Gabby said walking back to the main area with Mills. She knew that she had to come clean with herself. Mills didn't deserve to get hurt any more.

"Severide what's wrong with Casey today? Didn't even get one lame joke." Hermann said as he passed Severide.

"Don't know ." Severide gave back while the alarm started.

Casey widened his eyes as he heard the familiar voice over the speakers.

"Truck 81, Ambulance 61, Elevator accident."

"Damn it." Casey cursed. This was the last thing he needed today. He knew that especially on this call he had to show his team that he was alright, that he was keeping himself together after everything he had been through the last time he was inside an elevator and his guys had to save him. He knew that he couldn't show any weakness on this call if he wanted the respect of his team

….to be continued!

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