Hey guys!

I know it's been awhile but I really have one of the best reasons in the world for the delay:

I am a mommy now :o)

So here is the new chapter! I really hope you will enjoy it. Please leave a review...I really missed reading them a lot!

Have fun with the new chapter!

Chapter 17 – How to come clean

Casey closed his eyes and tried his best to avoid the burning tears from streaming down his face. Severide was right. He was absolutely right but he couldn't admit it. He didn't know what was going on himself so how should he possibly explain everything to Kelly, to anyone?

He had lost control in a way he had never expected to ever loose control. He couldn't believe that he had pushed himself that far. He couldn't believe that all of that had happened.

"Matty." The soft voice of Christie got him to open his eyes again. He hadn't heard anyone entering the room.

"Christie?" Matt asked full of confusion. He had never expected her to show up.

"How are you feeling?" She asked and Casey could see the look of worry all over her face.

"Better."

Christie just nodded taking a seat beside Matt's bed without saying a word for a few minutes.

"I am worried about you."

"Look Christie, I really don't know how all this could happen. I cut myself during..."

"Matt you don't need to explain anything. Just tell me what is going when you are ready for it but please don't lie to me. Not after everything we have been through, not after all this years." Matt hold her gaze for a few seconds, remaining silent before closing his eyes. He felt too weak, to exhausted to think about everything, to talk about everything.

As he woke up again in the middle of the night Christie was still sitting beside his bed, holding his hand and watching him closely.
"You are still here."

"Yes and I am not going anywhere until you are feeling better."

"What about Violet, she needs you."

"Jim is with her we have arranged everything. There is nothing you need to worry about."

"Thank you."

"No Matt. I should have been there a long time ago." Christie just said brushing Matt's cheek.

"Go back to sleep. I will stay here."

"Matthew Casey, I really thought we have agreed to not meet each other again so soon in here." Robert, the psychologist, pointed out as he walked into the hospital room the next day. Christie watching him with a suspicious look.
"Robert." Casey replied dryly.

"Hello. My name is Robert, I am the psychologist."

"Oh. Hey. I'm Christie, Matt's sister."

"Nice to meet you Christie. Would you mind leaving us alone for a while?"

"No. It's okay. I was just on my way to grab some breakfast." Christie agreed squeezing Matt's hand before leaving the room.
"So here we are again." Robert said taking Christie's seat next to Casey's bed.

"Look I don't know who called you or what's going on here. I cut myself during a call and later on I was really stupid during construction work. I don't think that this is something I need a shrink for."
"Maybe not but our highly graduated specialists told me that these cuts look like they where made on purpose and the fact that you are lying in ICU because you were nearly bleeding to death is telling me the rest I need to know to show up here Matt."

"Yeah whatever."

"What happened since the last time you where in here?"

"I don't know what you want to hear."

"Same as last time. I want to hear whatever you are telling me. I don't have a plan."

"Look Robert I can only tell you that I am completely fine and that I really don't need your help." "That's okay for me but I don't think it's really that easy because I am worried about you."

"You don't need to be worried."

"But I am and you know why? Because I am asking myself what is coming up next. Will you run into a burning building and throw yourself into the flames? Will you continue cutting yourself until you get what you want, until you are bleeding to death? How will you continue to deal with yourself Matt?"

"Oh come on!" Matt snapped.

"I really think you are to talented to throw you life away like that."

"I am not throwing my life away."

"You nearly died."

"No I didn't!"

"I can call your doctor in here. It was pretty close and without the quick help of the paramedics you would have died right on the spot. Isn't this scary?" Robert pointed out never leaving his gaze off of Casey's face.

Matt inhaled deeply. The image of Darden burning in the flames hunting his mind without a warning while now it was himself that he watched in flames.

"It's okay to cry and it's okay to let it all out. It's scary." Robert said while he watched the tears building in Casey's eyes.

"I really didn't want this." Matt said with a low voice.

"I know but I think you lost control without recognizing it." Robert pointed out getting Matt to nod slowly.
"And that is what I meant while we where talking last time. There is too much weight on your shoulders. The whole thing with your parents, your mother, your family. Haley, the only person you have ever trusted completely with everything you are, with everything your life gave you, leaving you. Gabby. Your best friend burning to dead right in front of your eyes and everyone is blaming you for it. You are blaming yourself for it." Robert pointed out while Matt couldn't stop the tears from streaming down his face now.

I know it hurts but it's eating you up inside. You need to come clean with everything otherwise you will break down again like you did before."

"I can't talk about it." Matt said softly his voice nearly a whisper.

"Yes you can talk about it but it will hurt and it will not go away for a pretty long time but you will see that you will be able to live your life again when you come clean with everything.
"I was okay for such a long time."

"No you never where. You just buried everything and with Haley constantly by your side it was okay because she knew everything. She knew what was going on with you, how she could help you, how she could support you on painful and difficult days but you lost her. That was the first crack in your wall and then you got stuck in this elevator and all the flashbacks about what had happened 15 years ago got back to you. Your walls are collapsed Matt and you can't just build them back up. There is to much weight on your shoulders now."
Robert remained silent for a while before speaking up again.

"I can offer you to stop by once a week to just talk like we are doing now."

"I thought you can only give me some addresses."

"Yeah that's right but what can I say? I just...I like you and I think we will get along great together. You know I got a really boring private life I really have some time left." Robert said with a smirk before getting up.

"What about Í stop by tomorrow? You good with that?" Casey just nodded watching Robert leave. He was a great guy.

Matt closed his eyes again trying to get his emotions back under control. He knew that Robert was right with the things he had just said. His wall had collapsed completely and as much as he hated the fact of being vulnerable and hurt, he couldn't pretend that he was okay any longer. Not after what had happened. He needed to talk to Severide and to Gabby. She had saved his life again.

"Hey. Your alright?" Christie asked with a soft voice as she reentered the room a little while later.
"No." Casey replied truthfully relaxing under Christies soft hand on his face.
"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No. Not yet. Can you do me a favor?"

"Of course."

"I really need my phone."

"Did you bring it with you?" Christie asked getting up from her spot and walking over to the things Matt was wearing for the parole hearing.

"I can't even imagine I was at the court room so I really don't know."

"Right sorry." Christie said getting Matt's trousers.

"Nothing in here."

"Damn it. Can you give Kelly a call to look for it at home?"

"Of course. I wanted to grab some things for you too but Kelly also offered to stop by."

"Severide." Kelly answered the phone more than frustrated. He was tired, he was exhausted, he was frustrated and he was damn worried. He hadn't sleep a bit during the last night because he couldn't stop thinking. Thinking about the things he had done to get Casey to this point. Thinking about the things he should have done to help his best friend. At four a clock in the morning he had crossed the point where he was blaming himself for everything that went wrong. He had failed completely.

"Hey Kelly this is Christie, Matt's sister."

"Christie! How is he doing?"

"Not to good. He had a talk with a psychologist and I think it was pretty rough. Kelly he is asking for his phone and needs a few things. Matt told me you got the spare key to his house. Can I bother you to stop by?"

"You are not bothering me, it's no problem."

As Kelly entered Matt's house he made his way directly to the living room to search for Casey's phone. Kelly froze in his movement as blood was meeting him nearly everywhere.

"Oh my god." He whispered looking down at the broken cereal bowl and the big puddle of blood. "Come on Casey. Damn it!" He cursed before he continued his search for the phone finding it on the floor next to the couch, also covered in blood. Severide got a tissue out of his pocket to clean it up while finding his name was showing up on the display. It seemed like Casey had tried to call him.

Severide made his way upstairs where he quickly grabbed some things not feeling well to dig into Casey's personal space like that. He had decided to just hand the bag to Christie. After their argument in the evening and all of his thoughts during the night he really didn't feel up to facing Casey right now.

….to be continued!

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