A/N: Warning! This chapter is probably the darkest one and contains the death of a minor – and I do not mean an almost grown up minor! (no, it is not Trixie!) Please, do not read this chapter if you can not cope with this! You can continue to the next chapter without losing the storyline and skip this chapter if you can not handle this topic. Warning!

Consider yourself adequately warned!

I would like to thank everyone who took the time to review, I really, really appreciate the feedback!

Thanks a lot to Sop12345d for taking the time and doing the beta!

Chapter 3: 1515 days

It has been 1515 days – more than four years now – since he left.

She felt empty somehow, while still feeling… filled up with… nothingness? How could one ever explain how this felt? She sure as hell couldn't. Wouldn't. Would never know how you can feel empty when your whole body seemed to be made from nothing but… sorrow.

Sitting at the empty, lonely beach, she pulled her legs up, the bundle in her arms clutched to her chest. Darkness had engulfed her – physically and mentally – and right now she didn't know how to cope with all this. How to put her brain back into gear to make anything out of this.

Why had this happened to her?! Why did this happen to anyone for that matter?!

Chloe looked up and for a second wondered if the stars had always been this bright out here. The thought alone got her out of her pondering for once. They shouldn't be this bright. Not right now, not anywhere near LA anyway. But definitely not right now. They were too beautiful for this moment.

A sob crawled its way out of her throat before she could stop herself when she looked down at the bundle in her arms. The tears won't come, though – not yet anyway. They would come soon, she knew that. She could already feel them building up. The despair crawling its way from her stomach up to the top. Bile piling up.

But so far she still dared to hope somehow.

Carefully she pulled the blanket away – just a bit to reveal that tiny little hand. She didn't dare to go any further. Carefully she caressed it with her pinkie. Slowly following the outline until she finally found the palm. When the little fingers closed around hers there was another sob and this time she couldn't stop the tears that made it down her cheek.

She had known almost from the beginning where this would lead – months ago.

The doctors had told her that there was no hope. "It's not meant to be" had been their words if she remembered correctly.

That had been when – for the first time in a very long time – Chloe had been to church. Praying. Something she hadn't done for oh so long. And frankly, she hadn't expected to ever do it again. Still she had. Had hoped, prayed. At least that uncharacteristic illogical part of her that sometimes ponders what if Lucifer hadn't been an act all this time.

Well, her prayers hadn't been answered as the doctors told her right away when they finished that first assessment after the birth. So, either she had always been correct about Lucifer being nothing but an act or her prayer simply hadn't been worth the effort.

She didn't know what would be worse.

So Chloe had left the hospital right away, not waiting for the doctors to put a verdict on her. Against all recommendations she took the child with her – knowing very well that he would never see the light of day either way. The doctors had made sure to tell her that.

Looking up, she noticed once more that those stars did look a lot brighter that night. Well, at least she would be able to make him see some kind of light - right? And weren't they just beautiful? How could one single star – no matter how large and warm and bright – compare to that enormous beauty out there right now?

The moment she felt the fingers around hers' go slack, she saw a shooting star falling – making her wish that she would just wake up in the morning and nothing of this would have happened. But it wouldn't and she knew it all too well.

That was when the floodgates gave away and she gave herself into it. Closing her eyes, she started weeping for what she had just lost and would never regain. Gently rocking the bundle in her arms, weeping for a soul that didn't get the chance to see a single sunset, that hadn't even had enough time to properly say hello before it got snatched out of her grip in such a cruel way.

This wasn't fair!

She had tried so hard to be a good person, a good detective, a good wife. What had she done so wrong to be punished like this?! More so! What had that innocent little boy done to deserve nothing more than this? To never walk, never talk, never play, never get a proper hug…

Well, she could do something about this, couldn't she?

So Chloe hugged the now lifeless bundle to her chest even harder, still rocking it and she cried for all she was worth. She couldn't stop and she wished nothing more than for somebody to hold her.

Only there was nobody here.

Her husband was probably in some bar, getting drunk as he had been every evening those last months. Every evening since they had had this little "talk" about him trying to convince her to go by the doctor's recommendations and have an abortion instead of carrying out what by DNA sampling had been deemed to be 'not worthy of life'.

She could never have done that, could never have given up hope. Hell, she hadn't given up hope until those perfect, tiny little fingers had gone slack! She had hoped to will him to life, to somehow get a miracle from… well, from somewhere.

Her sobbing became harder now and she could barely stand the pain in her chest anymore. Once the floodgates were opened, there was no stopping the tears when her thoughts wandered time and again to what would never be. It was almost too much.

No… it was too much!

That was when she felt the tingling and it only made her sob harder, crying harder, eyes still firmly closed, because she knew it couldn't be true – didn't want it to be true, since for the life of it, this wouldn't make anything better. She wanted to scream but her throat was too constricted and she could merely voice a croak.

Suddenly, there were arms. Encircling her, pulling her against a sturdy body. Simply holding her – holding her tight while she finally let go of her last strand of sanity and cried for all she was worth. Screaming at the unfairness of it all, of life and god and… well him as well, probably.

How he could dare to leave her and not really be there for her when she had needed him most. Because what she thought she was feeling right then couldn't really be him. He just couldn't be here right now, holding her, trying to ground her like a pillar. Like he always had.

All the while not knowing if she was actually cursing Lucifer or her wayward husband.

Still, Chloe didn't dare to open her eyes and make the illusion go away. If an illusion was all that was granted her to not feel this loneliness right now… well, she wouldn't scare it away, but take it. And for once, she was going to be selfish - to feel whole again.

Only when she imagined to hear his hushing voice did the sobs turn down – tears still flowing freely though. She didn't understand the words right away, but they somehow seemed to calm her down anyway, bringing her back from the brink of insanity to 'just' being broken hearted.

She remembered the shooting star and for a fleeting moment she wondered if that had been her son's soul falling to… somewhere.

That was when this imaginary grip on her tightened even more.

"It wasn't. And he didn't."

Another sob crawled its way out of her already painfully raw throat when she merely nodded. She wanted to believe that, wanted some kind of consolidation that her son who never had a chance to live, wouldn't be damned for… well for whatever had apparently made him unworthy of living.

"He isn't unworthy."

That was what she wanted to believe, but how could she?

"I will make sure he's taken care of."

And strangely, this made her feel better. She didn't know why or how or… well, she didn't know anything at that moment but somehow, those words made her feel better.

Still Chloe continued to cry, silently cursing fate or god or whomever… but not him anymore.

Even if he wasn't really here and this was all just the imagination of her totally screwed up mind… Right at that moment, she didn't care anymore. The thought that just maybe she didn't have to go through this night alone was enough to make her not care about her mind in the days, months, years to follow.

At some point the tears ended, the sobs ebbed away and gave way to the emptiness that might never be filled again. Her mind got sluggish and finally the fatigue and the pain got the better of her when she fell asleep. Only she didn't keel over right away – instead slowly being lowered. That little bundle in her arm carefully laid down with her.

Were those arms around her real after all?

Now that her sleepy mind wasn't sure of it anymore, she still didn't dare to open her eyes and finally gave in to sleep.

When Chloe woke up, the sun was already up high in the sky. How long had she been here?

As if it might change their fate, she checked on the bundle with trembling hands, only to confirm what she had already known to be true. There was no life in there anymore. When the tears started to flow again, she swiped them away and took a deep breath. It was time to face the truth and somehow she would pull through this.

Maybe the imagination of those strong arms holding her had been all she had needed to somehow get through the first night. It would probably take the rest of her lifetime to actually get to terms with it but this was a start. Wasn't it?

She looked at the tiny hand, the only thing visible from the boy, since she couldn't bring herself to look at his face one more time right now. That would make it all too real once again and she knew she would break down right here and now otherwise.

Frowning, she remembered that there had been a question when she had given in to sleep last night but it took her another moment to come up with the question once more.

"What's his name?"

A fleeting smile graced her lips when her pinkie caressed those tiny – now cold – fingers for one last time. This was maybe the closest she would come to ever call his name again…

"Samuel."

A/N: Okay, I just have to say, that I had a really hard time writing this and I definitely do not take this topic lightly. But I also have to admit that I could barely bring myself to re-read and correct this chapter once because this is just a tad bit too close to my own heart.

I do not intend to insult or belittle any mother who has lost a child – no matter at what point in its life. So I sincerely hope that nobody is offended by this chapter.

Because I do have a child in the stars of my own. And while I never saw mine breath I do know that no matter how many children you've got beside you, you will never forget those that went back to the stars way too soon.

But I needed her to hit rock bottom and frankly this is the hardest fall I ever made.

So my deepest condolences to every mother (and father for that matter) who has ever lost a child. Because we are not supposed to bury any of them.