A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Will, but he's not a wrestler. I have no idea why everyone is so obsessed with Chicken Pot Pie, either. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 5: Miz Has A Moment

"Here you go, Miz," Will said, handing Miz a little cup with several pills in it.

"What are they?" Miz asked.

"Your medication," Will said.

"I figured," Miz said, "but what are they?"

"Hey, you're holding up the line," Matt said. "And Orton's not sedated enough to handle that. Trust me." He rubbed his shoulder and winced.

"You all right, Matt?" Miz asked.

"Fine. But I held up the line yesterday and Orton slammed into me."

"Oh." Miz took the pills and swallowed them while Will watched.

"At least it's Chicken Pot Pie night," Matt said, once he'd taken his pills and pushed Miz's chair away from the line. "Things always seem so much calmer on Chicken Pot Pie night."

"It's because I'm a good cook," Mark Henry said, interjecting himself into the conversation. "I make everything from scratch."

"How does a cat cook?" Miz asked.

"What are you talking about?" Mark asked.

"You're a cat, right?"

Mark laughed girlishly and swatted Miz's shoulder. "Hehehe! You silly boy! No, of course I'm not a cat! I'm a sweet southern belle! We just had my introduction to society party last week, didn't we, darlin'?" He batted his eyes at Matt, who had to cover a snicker with a cough.

"Uh, yeah, we sure did. We had a cake and everything."

"Oh, you!" Mark said, whapping Matt on his hurt shoulder. Matt winced. "Always teasing! Of course we didn't have a cake. I'm watching my girlish figure while I try to land myself a husband."

Matt rubbed his shoulder. "Hmm. I think JJ said he'd like to sit with you tonight."

"Oh!" Mark let out a girlish shriek. "I do so love that man!" He leaned over, planted a quick kiss on Matt's cheek and bounded off, surprisingly light on his feet for such a large man.

"What on earth was that?" Miz asked. "Does Mark Henry have a split personality too?"

Matt's eyes darkened. "Not exactly."

Miz frowned. "Punk mentioned your… problem."

"He mentioned Matthew, you mean."

"Something along those lines."

"I don't know why I'm still here. Matthew never shows up any more."

Miz shifted uncomfortably. "Oh. Okay then."

JJ stormed up to them. "What did you say to Shawn?" he demanded of Matt.

"Shawn?" Miz asked.

"JJ's got this problem…" Matt began.

"He knows about the name thing, Drew," JJ said shortly.

Matt's eyes widened. "I'm. NOT. Drew. McIntyre!" he yelled angrily at JJ. The other man flinched and Miz watched in horror as Matt grabbed a chair and swung around to smash it against JJ. "I am going to destroy you!"

"Whoa, Matt!" Miz said.

"I'm not Matt, I'm Matthew!"

Miz held up his hands. "Okay, man, okay. Just calm down."

"Help!" JJ yelled, and the medical staff that had been tailing Orton jumped into action, piling onto Matt.

"What happened?" Will asked, rushing over.

"I don't know," Miz said. "He went from Matt to Matthew."

Will glared at JJ. "I thought I told you not to talk to Matt any more."

JJ stared down at Matt. "He told Shawn to sit with me, and Shawn was trying to kiss me again."

"Did you call him that name?" Will asked.

JJ sighed. "It's his name."

"It also triggers Matthew, JJ. You know better than to call him that. Couldn't you find another name for him?"

"But it's his name," JJ protested.

"Go sit down. Matt will rejoin you when Matthew's gone."

JJ pushed Miz's chair into the dining room. Punk slid into the seat next to him. "Hey, Miz."

"Hey," Miz said. He rubbed his forehead as though it hurt.

"Headache?"

"Yeah."

Punk nodded. "Sometimes they happen when you take the meds. That's why you ought to go straightedge and not take them."

"But they watched us take them," Miz said, "and I want to get better. How am I going to do that if I'm not on the meds?"

Punk shrugged. "What happened in there?"

"With Matt?" Punk nodded. "I don't know. We were talking and then JJ came up and…"

"Ah," Punk said. "Yeah. If you see JJ and Matt in the same small area… run. Those two do not get along at all. Well," he amended, "they do until Matthew shows up. Or worse."

"Worse?"

Punk grinned. "You haven't seen it yet, but it happens. Matt's got issues."

"Don't we all?" Miz sighed. "So what's the deal with Henry, anyway? First he said he was a cat, then he said he was a southern belle, but Matt says he doesn't have multiple personalities. What gives?"

"Oh, I'd rather not ruin the surprise," Punk said. "But I'm sure you'll figure it out. Keep an ear on Henry for a little while and I'm sure it'll be clear what's going on."

"You're not going to tell me?"

"Nope. Unless you're going to join the straightedge movement?"

Miz shook his head. "Sorry. Not interested."

"That's a shame." Punk looked around the table. "Hey, where's my Pepsi?"

"You know the doc told you he was going to limit your Pepsi intake, Punk," Will said.

"But it's dinner! And it's Chicken Pot Pie night!" Punk said. "How can you limit my Pepsi on Chicken Pot Pie night? How am I supposed to bless the meal without the sacred drink?"

"Isn't the sacred drink wine?" Miz asked.

"Lies! All lies! That's not true at all."

"But it's in the bible."

Punk stared angrily at Miz. "Damn the advertisers! They paid off the publishers to make sure that people would buy more wine. At first, we didn't think much of it, but now it's gone too far. I didn't turn water into wine at the last supper! I turned water into Pepsi!"

"Funny, that's the opposite of how that usually works," Miz said, earning him another glare from Punk. "And I'm not a bible scholar or anything, but wasn't it the story of the loaves and the fishes that had Jesus turning water into… uh, whatever?"

"I did it all the time, okay? It was like a cool party trick."

"Well," Will said, setting a glass of water down before Punk, "maybe you can do it again tonight, then."

"I told you, my dad took it away from me," Punk said, pouting.

"What did you do?" Miz asked. "Sneak off when you were grounded?"

"Yes," Punk said. "Literally." Miz chuckled and shook his head. "Oh, laugh and scoff all you want, Miz, but it's the truth. I died, you see, and I was supposed to stay dead. But I'd promised that I would come back, so I did, three days later."

"So that makes you a zombie, right?" Christian asked. He sat down across from Miz and Punk.

"Oh, ha ha," Punk said. "I find it funny that the man whose name comes from the religion I formed is making fun of me right now. You're so going to Hell, Christian, just as soon as I talk to my dad."

"Isn't he listening right now?" Christian said.

"What's gotten into you tonight, Rey?" JJ asked Christian. "You normally get along fine with Hornswoggle."

Christian shrugged. "Maybe it's the lack of Pepsi at the table."

"Yes!" Punk shouted. "Praise me! I have converted Christian to my ways!"

Miz sighed and rubbed his forehead again. "I think I'll skip dinner. I'm not feeling so good."

"But it's Chicken Pot Pie night!" Punk said in horror. "That's almost as sacred as the holy Pepsi!"

"I feel sick," Miz said. He didn't notice Will dropping a box next to Christian's plate, or the quiet exchange the two of them had.

"Well you would, wouldn't you?" Miz heard from across the table.

"Who said that?" Miz asked. He looked around for the source of the voice.

"Who said what?" Christian asked.

"Over here, Miz," said the voice again, and Miz turned his head, searching. "By Christian's elbow."

"Uh," Miz said. "Guys? I'm hearing a voice…"

"Well, that's not good," Christian said. He picked up the box next to his plate and stared at it in bemusement.

"Ah! I don't like heights!" the voice shrieked. "Tell him to put me down!"

"Put him down!" Miz shouted, causing everyone to stare at him.

"Put who down?" Christian asked.

"The box! I'm in the box!"

"Put the box down!" Miz said frantically, flailing at Christian.

Christian stared at Miz, then slowly set the box down. "Okay…"

"Oh, thank you!" The voice was sobbing. "Thank you for saving me, Miz!"

"What the heck is in that box?" Miz asked. Wordlessly, Christian slid the box over to Miz. "Marshmallow Peeps?"

"Oh no," said the little voice from the box, "we're not Marshmallow Peeps. We're Mizmallows!"

A/N: Mizmallows came from Darkest-Hearts' story, "Stranger Things Have Happened," and were added in by request.

A/N: Updated list of JJ names:

Miz = Undertaker

Christian = Rey Mysterio

Randy Orton = Beth Phoenix

C.M. Punk = Hornswoggle

JJ = Kane

Mark Henry = Shawn Michaels

Matt Hardy = Drew McIntyre

This is all the major players that will be in the majority of the story, so hopefully, it won't get too confusing. :)