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He wasn't sure what he did next because he felt like he wasn't there, like it wasn't real. His hand reached his phone and he tried to call her but it went straight to voicemail. His thoughts got scattered, and for a moment he lost all sense of time, he looked at her for what seemed like hours.

"Nick" he heard Liv's voice pulling him back to reality and he looked at her "I'll go check her apartment" he said and she nodded.

"Alright, I'll wait for the coroner" she looked worried.

Nick knew what she was thinking, how could this happen? Was Amanda in trouble?

But Amanda seemed alright to Nick, he spent a lot of time with her this past few months and he would have noticed.

Or maybe she was really good at hiding it? Better than the last time, Nick tried to shake that thought as he sat in his car.

As he drove to her place he was thankful he drove there many times before, it felt automatic, and it was good because he felt like he could not concentrate on something like driving right now.

It felt like the road wasn't real, the buildings weren't there, everything was blurry and he realized he was crying. He could feel the tears running down, warm, was her body warm? He wondered, he knew better than to touch a body before the coroner arrived, but suddenly he couldn't remember if he did. Dead bodies are cold, he thought.

He felt like it was taking forever but he finally parked his car next to her building. When he was in the elevator he searched for the key.

She gave him the key few a weeks ago. She had to go to a scene very early and left him the key so he could lock the door when he left. He didn't give it back though, he liked having it even if he only used it that one time.

He was at her door.

But he couldn't go inside. Not seeing her there would mean it was over. She was gone. And he just couldn't accept that. He wanted to just leave, pretend nothing was happening. Pretend she wasn't dead.

He remembered another time he was standing at her door for a long time, after the whole ordeal with her being undercover, with Murphy.

That day he saw the look on her face when she stepped out of Liv's office. The tears in her eyes, the bruise on her cheekbone. He wanted to talk to her, but decided to wait. He left a short time after her and drove straight to her apartment.

She was surprised to see him but let him in anyway. He just stood there for a while. Frannie went over to him and he patted her.

"I'm sorry" ha said and looked at her.

"For what?" she asked as she walked towards the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water. He just watched her as she drank and she offered him a glass but he shook his head.

"Just, for everything" he answered her question.

She looked at him and then down on the floor "what do you mean?" she asked, but knew she shouldn't have said that when she saw his look. She knew that he knew, she couldn't say that it was just an undercover operation "no" she looked at him "it's all on me, I screwed up so.."

Nick looked at her, she just stood there looking at him, and suddenly he didn't know what to say, he wasn't sure what he was doing there. All he knew he wanted to see her, didn't want her to cry, wanted to make things better. Yeah, she screwed up, but he had a bad feeling about how she was doing after the whole thing with Nate and he didn't try to talk to her, kept his distance until just a little while ago, when her friend from Loganville came to ask for her help. He saw it wasn't easy for her, when the kid tried to kill himself. She said people were counting on her, but he couldn't see, then, that she felt like she failed them. Things were getting clearer now, but it was almost too late. She almost lost her job.

And not only her job.

"You know" he started "I am sorry, I'm sorry that I didn't do more when I thought you relapsed" she had a surprised look when he said these words.

"When we had that case and we had to go to Jersey, I mean…"

When he mentioned Jersey Amanda stopped listening, that was the Clare Wilson case, the one who spotted her at the club. Nick noticed she was somewhere else and got closer to her.

"Amanda, I just want you to know that I'm here, if you need to talk. Because you have a long road ahead of you and I don't want you get lost again."

She had the saddest smile he'd ever seen. He was very close to her now and just touched her hand a bit. She looked down at their hands.

She wasn't sure what to say, she wasn't sure what she was feeling, what she was thinking. Everything seemed bad and wrong. She got lucky.

And that was the problem.

The luck, she always wanted that, the good luck, the win, isn't that what anyone who gambles wants?

That feeling of winning something, of beating the odds.

It made her feel.

It made her feel something nothing else could. Even losing made her feel something, like she has something to blame. As if the only thing that was wrong was that a team lost, or she got the wrong card. And she couldn't control that, scores, cards. No, it wasn't her fault, it was something greater that decided who wins.

And sometimes it decided she is the one. Sometimes she won. And she knew she could win again. She will get lucky.

And here she was, standing in her kitchen. Very lucky to have her job, not to mention her life cause she could easily lose it. She suddenly hated that word, wished it could just disappear, and take her away too. Just standing there became too hard for her and she felt like she was about to fall down, not on the floor. She felt like she would fall through it and never land. She would just keep on falling forever.

And then she hugged Nick, without a warning, without saying anything. And he hugged her back, held her close to him.

He only let her go when he felt she was pulling away. She didn't look at him at first but then she smiled at him and he couldn't help it and smiled at her too.

"Want to talk about it?" he asked.

She looked into his eyes and just asked "what do you want to know?"

He wasn't sure what to ask though so for a moment he didn't say anything and they both just looked at each other.

"When did it start?" he finally said.

"After the thing with Nate" she answered, he figured that would be her reply.

"I'm sorry you got hurt" he said and was surprised when she shrugged her shoulders and said it wasn't the first time.

"I'm sorry I hurt you" he said, she gave him a puzzled look but he didn't take it "you know what I'm talking about" he said.

He was right, she knew what he was talking about, and she was somewhat hurt, but mostly confused.

"You didn't hurt me Nick" she said, she wanted to say that that wasn't pain, but decided not to.

"So what happened?" he asked, he decided to let go of what happened between them back then, even though it was on his mind a lot.

"I don't know, I have a problem" she said that with a small smile but he knew that was her way of trying to make a big thing smaller. "I just couldn't stop myself. It was the only thing I wanted to do, the only thing that meant something, that felt like anything".

He was a bit taken aback by her honesty. On his way he was afraid she wouldn't talk to him and just say everything was fine. But it seemed like she was willing to share and he was glad.

"I know it's not true but that's how it feels" she added "I lost control, and the truth is, is felt good".

She didn't look at him when she said the last three words.

She wanted him to say something and she looked at him again. He wasn't sure what to say, he wanted her to keep talking, he wanted to be there for her. He knew he couldn't fix it, she needed more help than he could give, but he hoped she would take what he had to offer.

"Lets go sit down" he said, they've been standing there for a while now. She nodded and they went to the couch.

When they sat down Frannie followed them and got on the couch too. Amanda was glad she was there. She was the only one who never let her down.

Amanda told Nick about the operation a bit. How she was caught and how they gave her the assignments and how she couldn't do them but couldn't come clean.

"I was nowhere" she said, she realized, looking back now, that she was numb "and then he told me he was vice and he talked to Benson and I was working for him".

She wasn't sure about how to tell him about the moment she found out the truth about Murphy, but decided now was as bad as any "when I followed that woman, I just couldn't tell them about her and they knew I lied cause they were following me. I didn't want her to get hurt. I think maybe I realized that whatever they will ask me next would be worse, if they even asked, so I just…" it was hard for her to say, and she looked at Nick and then at Frannie "I offered him something I figured he'd want and wouldn't hurt anyone".

"Except you" Nick's voice was barely a whisper.

"It was too late for that" she paused for moment "he told me and we played it like it happened, kept on playing the roles. You know what happened next" she didn't want to talk about the rape, she couldn't find the words to express how she felt about it.

"So I got lucky" there was that word again and she wished she didn't use it.

Nick wasn't sure what to say, but he didn't have to say anything cause she kept talking and her openness surprised him.

"The thing with Nate, I was so angry at myself, because I trusted him. I liked him, you know" she looked at him "and I believed her and then I found out everyone were lying to me and I just didn't know why. I was trying to help and a man died, and everyone in that court room found out I was played and a man died because of that".

"It wasn't your fault Amanda" Nick said, a bit surprised by her words. Of course she felt bad about Nate and Lena but he had no idea she blamed her self for the murder.

"I didn't want to be used" she said, ignoring what he said "when I was younger my mom, she had affairs with men who used her, and I saw it and felt so bad for her, I promised myself I won't end up like that and I did."

"No, Amanda…"

"I tried so hard not to be like my mother that I ended up like my dad" she said, not letting him talk "I left her like he did, and I'm a gambler like he is" she looked away but he could see she had tears in her eyes "Funny thing is, I am just like her, he used me and I…" she couldn't say it, she knew he didn't know what she was talking about but she looked at him and he could see it in her eyes "so yeah, I got the worst parts of both of them."

Nick didn't know much about Amanda's parents. From what Kim told him it wasn't easy for them growing up with their mother who, from the little he understood, had a lot of problems.

"So I'm really screwed" she laughed a bit, but it was a bitter laugh.

"No you're not, it's not going to be easy but you can get better, you will, I know that".

She smiled at him, it wasn't bitter at all, it was a shy, but a happy smile "at least one of us is hopeful" she said.

"Amanda" he said, not sure how to continue, it seemed he lost his words. He looked straight into her eyes, she didn't move and looked back at him "I promise I would be here for you, you won't be alone this time, I will be as hopeful as you need until you feel the same."

"Yeah?" she asked quietly and he nodded.

Nothing happened that night, he gave her another hug and left. But he was true to his word. She went to meetings and they hung out a lot. Only talking at first, he talked about himself a lot too. And it was nice to share.

She told him more about her parents. They had her when they were young, only 18, and she said they didn't know what to do with her. They were fighting a lot, and eve as a little girl she felt something bad was going to happen. She tried to protect Kim from all of that, and it was easy cause she was little and didn't seem to care much.

She was close to her dad. She felt like her mom blamed her for everything that has happened since she was born, and it was easier to spend time with her dad. Back then she was curious about her dad's hobby, the gambling.

He explained that it was like magic, the hat is empty but then there's a rabbit in it. But there were no rabbits at the places he took them to when her mom was going crazy, as he put it. He left her and Kim in the car and gambled for what seemed forever to her. When he came back she asked about the rabbit and he always smiled and said that its magic.

They spent time together at other places too. Her sister was closer to their mom so Amanda and her dad spent a lot of time playing and running, he was the one who got her to like running.

And then one day he left. Her parents got a divorce a few weeks before and he was gone. She waited for him to come back. Her mom said that she should just give up, the bastard was gone. And even though Amanda didn't want to believe it she had no choice because he did not come back. She had no idea where he was and she wasn't going to look for him.

It was nice spending time together, and they slowly got more comfortable with each other, and he liked that. He spent a lot of time at her place, they talked and had dinner there sometimes, they even walked Frannie together occasionally.

One day he was there, he just finished washing the dishes after they ate and he looked at her, she was playing with Frannie, and he couldn't help himself. She looked at him as he got closer but didn't notice the look on his face "you didn't have to do that I…" she didn't get to finish the sentence cause his lips crushed on hers. She wasn't feeling bad about it, she liked the feeling of his lips on hers, and she let the kiss get dipper as she parted her lips and let his tongue in. They kissed for a while. He put his hands on her waist and pulled her closer.

They pulled away when they needed to breathe and she just smiled at him and he had to kiss her again. Her lips were so soft, and they felt so good against his. The kiss felt familiar but he ignored that thought, not wanting to remember the real first time they kissed, not because it was a bad one, but because of what he did after it. Right now he wanted to focus on this kiss, and how he didn't want to stop kissing her, ever.

When he finally opened the door that's what was on his mind. He would give anything to just kiss her again. The room was dark. He stood there for a while until his eyes got used to the darkness, for some reason he felt like he couldn't turn the lights on.

He looked around, everything was the same. He saw Frannie asleep in her big basket. Amanda said she will put her in a dog pension until she got back, it was only two days. So she probably didn't even leave, did she lie to him about going to Atlanta? Was she in trouble? How comes he didn't notice anything?

He made his way to the bedroom. It was a small apartment, and it didn't take long to get there. But right now it felt like miles. And suddenly he was in there.

He felt like he couldn't breathe.

Because she was there, she was in the bed, asleep. Not dead.

Not dead.

That's the only thing he could think about as he approached her.