Ste

I jerk out of Brendan's hold, stunned.

"What?" I stumble back and he catches me, arm circling around my waist.

"I remember," he says, voice strained with emotion. He's staring at me with intensity and I find myself unable to meet his gaze.

"No," I say stupidly. "No way." I attempt to correct my balance but Brendan holds me firm in his arms.

"Why are you trying to get away, Steven?" He looks practically giddy, eyes bright and wide with knowing. "It's me. I'm here."

"How?" I blink a few times, disoriented.

"I don't know! Something must have clicked when I realised…" he trails off and finally I can meet his gaze.

"What?"

"That I love you," his voice softens as he leans in close. His arm around my waist pulls me in, his other hand reaching to cup my face.

"Wait." I close my eyes, trying to gather my thoughts. He's too near; I can feel his breath on my face. I know he's still watching me. Maybe his joy is starting to deflate with my hesitation. It makes me open my eyes again. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry," he says, but he looks concerned now. "Are you okay?"

"Course." I attempt a smile but it doesn't fool him. I feel a jolt in my stomach. He knows me.

"What is it?" He rubs his thumb across my cheek. An ordinary person would have let me go by now, given me space. Brendan's not ordinary.

"It's just a lot to take in." I breathe evenly through my nose. "Do you really remember everything?"

"Almost, there's still some blanks but I'm just trying to hang on to what's important right now."

"Which is what?"

"You, you idiot."

"Charming."

His laugh is a low rumble. He traces his thumb across my bottom lip. I can tell how desperate he is to kiss me.

"Steven, this is what you wanted, isn't it?" He sounds unsure now, a crease forming between his brows. I lean my forehead against his, breathing him in.

"You're what I want," I tell him quietly and he exhales in relief before pressing our lips together.

Something feels different about this particular kiss. It's rough and hungry; Brendan's lips are unyielding as they prise mine apart. It feels like our first proper kiss, in the cellar. But there's also something desperate underneath the surface, like it's our first kiss in a long time.

It suddenly occurs to me that we're outside. Brendan's leg is pressed in between mine, pinning me against the wall. His hands are beginning to roam and I can feel the pressure of his cock against my thigh.

"Bren," I say breathlessly, only coming up for air for a second before he kisses me again. It's like he doesn't want to be apart for a moment too long. I try again but he distracts me; his hand is on my hip, holding me almost hard enough to bruise. "Bren," I repeat, pushing my palm against his chest. He bobs his head, lips slick with saliva, eyes heavy lidded and dark with desire.

"What?"

"We can't do this here."

Brendan blinks, staring around him as though he'd forgotten where we are.

"Right, yeah." He finally takes a step back but not too far. I can still feel the heat of him.

"Let's go home, yeah?"

He smiles at me then, unrestrained and blissful. I colour under the praise, remembering his smile in the deli when we baked bread and anything seemed possible.

I fall against him, kissing him with all the sloppiness of a teenager. He laughs, kissing me once, twice before pulling away and putting his arm around my shoulders.

"Come on, you're right. Let's go home."

I nod, dazed and wondering what came over me. I let him steer me along until we get back to the flat. Then I'm on him again before the door's even open.

It's such a relief to be on our own. We can make as much noise as we want. Furniture becomes nothing but a barrier to us as we find our way to the bedroom. We don't quite make it there; I'm against the wall again, braced and spread wide under Brendan's capable fingers.

When he enters me it feels like all of my nerve endings are on fire. I clutch the wall and find myself unable to grasp anything to steady me. Brendan senses this and wraps his arm around my middle, holding me in place while he fucks me mercilessly. There's a definite confidence in his movements, more so than before. He remembers everything that drives me crazy. His teeth are at my throat, scraping and trying to leave a mark. His lips are hot and sweet at the back of my neck, making soft, sucking noises. I'm shaking under the attention, his other hand gripping my cock and stroking me to the rhythm of his body.

When I feel my climax building I throw my head back against his shoulder, trying to find his lips. He kisses me, uncoordinated, until I shudder and spill all over his hand. He doesn't pause in his own movements, riding out my orgasm with me until his own release comes, filling me completely.

We sag against the wall after, naked and sweating. I press my nose against his shoulder and take a deep breath.

"It's you," I say, feeling ridiculously soppy but I know he'll let me off this once.

"I love you," he says, kissing the top of my head.

"I love you too."

I've found him again.

Two weeks later.

Brendan's face down in the pillows, cover wrapped around his hairy legs. He's only wearing his boxers and his mouth is hanging open, drooling a little.

"This is very attractive," I tease, bouncing on the bed after laying a tray of breakfast a safe distance away.

His arms reach out to grab me but he's clumsy and misses by a few inches. I take pity on him and move closer. He pulls me down onto the bed with him, curled against his chest.

"What time is it?" He mumbles sleepily.

"Eight. You've got your interview remember?"

He groans, not making any move to get up.

"Come on, it won't be that bad."

"It's a step down, Steven. I used to own my own club."

"Yeah, and now you don't. Does it matter?"

Brendan sighs, shifting himself so he's up on his elbow. His hair is sticking up and I attempt to flatten it for him but he bats my hands away.

"Do I smell bacon?" He suddenly perks up, cracking open an eye to stare at the breakfast tray left on the bedside table.

"Bacon, eggs and toast," I tell him.

He groans in pleasure, reaching across me to grab the plate. He goes straight for the food, taking a swig of coffee only after he's shoved as much food into his mouth as he can.

"Save some for me, yeah?"

He snorts, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "Get your own."

"Cheek of it." I give him a playful shove but he grips my wrists in his hands. "That's not fair."

"If you bulked up a bit you might be able to get free."

"Fuck off. You told me not to."

"Yeah that's because I like your skinny arse." He gives it a slap to demonstrate his point and I yelp, which only makes him laugh.

"You're a git, you know that?"

"You love me for it, don't deny it."

"Fat chance."

I manage to swipe a bit of toast off his plate. "I thought I'd go into town while you're at your interview, hand out a few more CV's."

He gives me a pointed look, opens his mouth to repeat the same thing he's been saying for two weeks.

"No, Brendan. I will be getting a job."

"Who's gonna cook my meals for me when I get home from work?" He asks, wrapping his arms around my stomach.

"I'm not a bloody housewife."

He kisses my neck. "True." He cups my cock in his hand. "Don't meet many housewives with one of these."

"Don't start that now. You have to shave and shower before you go."

"Shave? Seriously? I only did it the other day."

"I know you like it fuzzy but appearances are everything, at least that's what Tony used to tell me."

"I don't trust Tony's judgement after what you told me." A frown appears between his eyebrows. As well as spending the last two weeks holed up in this very room, I've had to fill Brendan in on some of the goings on in his absence. For his part he's been telling me everything that's been slowly coming back to him. There are still certain memories that haven't resurfaced, namely of the murdering variety, but everything else to do with us and his life in the village seems to be coming back to him.

"I think he's probably right on this one though."

"First time for everything," Brendan says derisively.

"Come on, get up." I give him a half-hearted push in the right direction but he remains where he is, immovable as stone.

"Seriously? We're doing this?" His lips quirk up into a smile. I can see a mischievous look in his eyes developing.

"Don't you dare," I say warningly, shuffling away from him.

"Oh, Steven. You never learn." He's grinning now. I take that as my cue to bolt.

I'm barely off the bed before he grabs me, hauling me up into his arms like I'm weightless.

"Brendan!" I squirm but he just slaps my arse in response, carrying me to the bathroom.

"If we're gonna do this you're gonna join me."

"Bastard," I mutter as he turns the shower on one-handed. He puts me down on the bathmat, tugging his boxers off in a flash. I cross my arms over my chest.

"You'll be late," I tell him sternly.

"Steven, I think I know more about appearances than Tony does. You don't want to be dead on time, makes you look over eager."

I roll my eyes. "You do want this job, don't you?"

"Course. But there's a method to what I do and it's foolproof."

"Oh yeah? How'd you get your last job? Oh wait, your sister gave it you."

He gives me a look then, stepping into the shower.

"You coming in?"

I sigh, stripping my t-shirt and boxers off.

"There's a good lad," he croons, handing me the shower gel.

"One day you'll learn how to wash yourself."

"Why would I do that when I have you?" He counters, squirting shampoo into his palm before gesturing I come closer so he can rub it in.

"I guess so." I lather up his chest and bits, telling him off when he tries it on with a leer and a smirk. "You ain't got time for that."

"I've always got time for that."

Admittedly, I want it too. I let him kiss me, wet and hard on the mouth. He pushes me against the glass wall of the shower and crowds around me. I find myself getting hard from that alone and feel his satisfaction in waves.

"May I?" He offers, bending down so he's on his knees. I gasp as I feel his lips around the head of my cock. He laughs, licking up my shaft, hand cupping my balls and rolling them in his palm. I want to close my eyes but I can't stop staring at him, mouth spread wide around my cock, taking me slowly into the back of his throat.

The water from the shower makes it an easier job but Brendan's spit is more than accommodating. He coats my cock in saliva, taking me all the way down and slowly drawing me out again. It's agonising and he knows it. I'm shooting into his mouth within minutes, hips jerking.

He spits into the drain before standing up again, kissing me with come-stained lips.

"Pleased with yourself now?" I ask him and he merely grins, continuing to wash us.

I help Brendan shave until all he's left with is stubble and his moustache. I trim it at the edges with so much care and attention it makes him preen.

His suit is already hanging up, cleaned and pressed. It feels so surreal seeing him in one again. We've barely gotten dressed the past two weeks. I brush down the front of his suit, busying my hands. This is the first time he'll be out on his own properly since he got his memory back. He takes my hands gently, all the humour and teasing from earlier pushed back as he looks at me, reading me easily.

"I've got my phone."

"You remember where you're going?"

"Got it written down."

"We'll meet for lunch after, yeah? At The Dog?"

"You sure about that?" He sits down to put his shoes on.

"Yeah. It'll be dead anyway. Always is on a Wednesday."

"You aren't worried about bumping into your dad?"

I shrug. "Gotta face him sometime, especially if we're sticking around here."

"Not forever I hope," he tells me, straightening up.

"He doesn't need to know that."

"You're okay with all this, aren't you?" He asks, looking at me seriously for a moment.

"What do you mean?"

"Slipping back into our old life."

"It's not really the same though, is it?"

"No, but you know what I mean."

"Of course I'm okay with it, better than okay." I lean forwards to kiss him, this time feeling his stubble brush against my own. "Now get lost or you'll be more than fashionably late."

He chuckles, giving me another quick kiss before going out the door. I watch him go, hands balled up into fists. I take a breath to clear my head and prepare myself for the morning without him.

It's a long morning of wandering from shop to shop, asking about vacancies. Most are unhelpful and leave me feeling useless. One gives me a little hope, a bar outside of the village. It seems new, the staff young and fresh. The manager is an older woman, blonde, probably in her fifties. She takes my CV with a smile and promises to contact me if there are any vacancies. I thank her and check the time. Almost twelve o'clock. I check my phone but Brendan still hasn't called. I decide to head towards The Dog anyway and wait for him.

It's as quiet as I thought it'd be. I get us a table outside, ordering myself a cider and Brendan a whiskey. It's a nice day; the breeze blows pleasantly against my face and the sun shines down on our glasses. A shadow passes over our table and I squint up, relaxing when I see Brendan.

"How'd it go?" I ask him as he takes a seat, sipping at his whiskey.

"I got it."

"Brendan, that's brilliant!" I grin happily at him, raising my glass in a cheers. "Where've you been though? You've been gone ages."

"They wanted to show me the ropes, like I don't already know." He takes another swig of his whiskey. "The manager seems alright, I don't think he got the memo on appearances though."

"Oh really?"

"Big, bald and cheap suits. The club's respectable enough anyway, brings in an older crowd, so he says. Not so many students."

"That's a plus."

"Definitely. How about you? Any joy?"

"Not so much. There's a bar not far from here that seemed promising though."

"Yeah?" He looks sceptical.

"What?"

"Do you really wanna work in a bar again? You had your own deli."

"And that worked out so well."

"I'm just saying, you deserve better."

"A job's a job. It won't be forever."

"I guess."

"You wanna order something then?"

Brendan takes the menu off the table and gives it a quick glance. "Just a burger is fine, everything on it obviously."

"I'll go order." Brendan presses a note into my palm and I reluctantly take it.

"You got the drinks." He shrugs, innocent.

It takes me a moment for my eyes to adjust to being inside. I approach the bar.

"Alright, Jack? Can I get some food?"

"Oh hi there, Ste. Not seen you in a while. How's it going?"

"Good, yeah. Brendan's with me."

Jack's eyes widen in acknowledgement. "Oh yeah, I heard he's back. How's he doing?"

"Fine. We've got a place not far from here."

"That's good. What can I get you then?"

"Two burgers with everything."

"Coming right up." I offer him the money but he shakes his head.

"Have it on me. Welcome home present."

"Cheers, Jack."

I go back outside with extra drinks and give Brendan his money back.

"Steven-"

"It's on Jack," I tell him.

"Oh." He looks stunned for a moment. "Good of him."

"Least there's still people around here who remember you."

"Yeah."

Our burgers arrive in record time. Brendan bites into his with gusto, sauce dripping down his chin.

"Here," I laugh, handing him a tissue. "Don't want to get your suit messy, you'll be needing it now. When do you start?"

"Tonight." Brendan grimaces. "You gonna be okay?"

"Sure. What time?"

"Not till ten, so we can still have some dinner before I go."

I nod, smiling suddenly.

"What?" Brendan asks, taking another large bite of his burger.

"Nothing, we just sound like an old married couple."

"Funny that."

"You know what I mean."

"Wouldn't be so bad," Brendan says, voice low. I blink, smiling even wider.

"You have to stop doing that."

"What?"

"Disarming me with what you remember, I can't get used to it."

"You'd better, I ain't losing it again."

"Better not."

We finish our lunch and get some soft drinks in while we sit in the sun. Brendan whips his shades out, taking his suit jacket off.

"C'mere," he offers his arm to me and I slot against his side, feeling a little thrill run through me. Even after all this time it feels weird to be open like this. I smile up at him and he's serious in his shades, looking into the middle distance at nothing in particular.

We're left in comfortable silence for a while until someone interrupts our safe haven.

"Ste." Danny looks us both over before taking the seat opposite. "How you doing? Haven't heard from you in a while."

"Been a bit busy," I say, glancing at Brendan who remains stoic. "Why are you here?" It comes out harsher than I meant it to and Danny winces.

"Meeting someone for a drink."

"Oh right." I don't question him further on the who, I'm better off not knowing.

"You sticking around then?"

"For now, yeah. Brendan's just got a job at a club."

"Oh yeah?" Danny raises his eyebrows in surprise.

"Only had the interview this morning, didn't you, Bren?"

Brendan nods, his fingers flexing against my shoulder.

"And what about you, son? Any joy on the job front?"

"Not yet but I'm still looking."

"I could help you know, if money's a bit tight."

I feel Brendan tense against me, speaking for the first time. "That won't be necessary."

Danny clears his throat. "I only thought in case you haven't got any money coming in just yet."

"I've still got some from the sale of my old club," Brendan nods in the direction of Chez Chez, now renamed.

"Oh right. You reckon this new club of yours will do well then?" Danny's only making conversation but it still makes Brendan bristle.

"It's not mine, I'm second in command."

"Oh, well that's alright."

"I know it is."

Danny presses his lips together. "I'd better be going then." He stands up but then pauses. "We were thinking of having a family dinner tonight, did you want to come?" He's looking at me now, not Brendan. Brendan looks at me too.

"No you're alright. I've got stuff to do tonight," I lie easily. Danny deflates but doesn't press it.

"Another time then."

He moves away and I sag in relief.

"You could've gone," Brendan says, taking his sunglasses off to look at me properly.

"Don't fancy it, do I? Pretending to play happy families when we're not."

"They're still a part of you."

"I did fine without them before," I say, even though it's not quite true. I didn't do much better with them either.

"What are you going to do tonight then? Busy as you are," Brendan teases and I'm grateful for the change of subject.

"I dunno, might just watch a bit of telly and go to bed."

"Sounds thrilling."

"I'm hardly gonna go out, am I?"

"You could come along to the club," Brendan says thoughtfully. "I'd serve you drinks all night."

"Wouldn't the boss frown on that?"

"He doesn't strike me as the conscientious type. Besides, I'm in charge tonight."

"Really? That quickly?"

"He's got some family stuff to sort out. He's been pretty desperate to find someone as qualified as me."

"He didn't mind about the criminal record?"

Brendan shrugs. "Wasn't an issue for him, he's seen worse apparently."

"Says a lot about where we live."

"I'm out of all that now, I told him I've gone straight."

I raise my eyebrows at him but he rolls his eyes at me. "You know what I mean."

"Here's to a straight future then." I raise my glass, still smirking.

"Yeah, yeah," Brendan says, clinking glasses. "Sláinte."

I change my outfit about three times before I'm satisfied and even then I'm unsure. Brendan's dressed in a different suit, pure black. He looks amazing.

"I look about thirteen," I tell him, grumbling as I button up my shirt with fumbling fingers.

He bats my hands away, doing the buttons for me. "You look great." He brushes a strand of hair away from my forehead when he's done. "You wanna call someone to keep you company tonight?"

"Like who?"

"You not got any friends you could call?"

I snort. "Not anymore."

Brendan attempts to look sorry about this but doesn't quite manage it. "Never mind. You can have a stool by the bar, keep an eye on the punters for me."

"Gonna be well weird, watching you work."

"Like old times, eh?"

"Except you'll actually have to do some work now, rather than giving me all the jobs."

Brendan frowns as he considers my words, no doubt relocating the memory. He does this sometimes when he's a little unsure. Comprehension dawns on his face and he smiles.

"Not the best boss then?"

"You were alright."

"You can give me a full report after tonight."

"I plan to."

He smirks at me, brushing himself down before grabbing his keys. "Ready?"

I nod, shutting the flat door behind us.

It's a fairly low key club. It only has the one floor and it's filled with thirty something's sipping cocktails. I don't exactly blend in but it doesn't matter in the end. It's a treat to watch Brendan work, to see him coming back to himself. He's already got the staff in hand, they respect him immediately. I wonder what the actual boss is like and whether they like him or not. One of the barmaids, Bethany, sidles up next to me for a chat mid-way through Brendan's shift.

"He your fella then?" She asks, flicking her long blonde hair behind her.

"How can you tell?"

She strokes her face above her lip. "Just a hunch. Plus he hasn't taken his eyes off you all night."

I smile at that, knowing that our shared looks have been frequent.

"What's he like then?" Bethany asks conversationally. She must be in her mid-twenties, by the look of her.

"Find out for yourself."

"Bethany! We need you at the bar," Brendan barks and Bethany jumps up, startled. "Catch you later." She smiles, slipping him a wink. Brendan glowers at her, giving me a pointed look. I shrug, grinning innocently at him.

It's well over an hour before he comes over to me. I'm on my third drink by now and I'm swaying a little in my seat.

"Big boss is coming in soon, then I can go. You okay?"

"I'm great! This place is buzzing!"

"Yeah…" he says sceptically. "Not the crowd I'm used to."

"Better than students though, right?"

"Always."

"You getting to know the staff then?"

"They seem capable enough. That Bethany though." He frowns.

"What? You're not jealous, are you?" I snort, laughing behind my hand. "That's mad, Bren."

"She was all over you," he says shiftily. "I wouldn't have brought you here if I knew you'd get ogled."

"Hardly. It's not like it's a gay club or anything, that would be worse."

Brendan looks horrified by the very idea but covers it well. "I have to get back. Won't be long now, yeah?"

"I'll be fine, you go!" I watch him dive straight back in, serving champagne to a group of women on what appears to be a hen party.

It's well after two o'clock in the morning when the boss comes back. I'm grateful Brendan doesn't have to stay to lock up otherwise we'd be here hours.

We walk home, both of us have been drinking. It's not a far walk and the fresh air clears my head a little. Brendan's quiet on the way, thoughtful.

"My old club, it wasn't just Cheryl and me that ran it."

I tense immediately, wondering where this is going.

"You mean Warren?" I attempt, trying to keep my voice level.

"No, not Foxy. At the start, we had a silent partner. What was his name?" Brendan considers this for some time until his expression clears. "Danny Houston."

I shiver a little at the name. I barely talked to the guy but I remember him very well. You don't forget the person who was killed for you.

Brendan seems to be following the same train of thought. "Jesus, what happened to him?"

"Bren, maybe we should wait till we're inside."

By now we're outside the flat. I let us in, closing the door with a clink after us.

Brendan sits down heavily, thinking things through. "I killed him, didn't I?"

I swallow thickly, sitting beside him. "Yeah," I say, not knowing how to cushion the blow.

Brendan blinks, astonished. It takes him a while to figure out what happened, then he looks more weary than anything else.

"For you. I killed him for you."

I don't know what to say to that so I say nothing instead.

"Was it the only time?"

"No," I say carefully. "There's been others."

"Jesus," Brendan breathes, burying his head in his hands.

"You did what you had to. None died who didn't deserve to." Brendan looks at me then, the workings of his mind making the connections.

"How can you love me?" He asks, surprising me.

"Easily," I say, although it hasn't always been.

"But the things I've done, not just to you but…" he trails off, thoughts darkening.

"I love every part of you, good and bad. It's what I signed up for."

Brendan shakes his head. "No one should sign up to this."

"It's too late now, you've got me. I'm not going anywhere."

Brendan meets my gaze then. He looks like a frightened little boy. I take him in my arms. "I promise you, okay? You've always got me."

He nods against me, pulling me in closer. "I don't deserve you," he murmurs against my neck.

I shake my head, my throat bobbling as I swallow. "Doesn't work that way. You're mine and I'm yours. That's it."

He holds me tighter and I think to myself that even when things are starting to get back on track, there's always some darkness from the past trying to pull us under. After going to hell and back without him though, I'm ready for us to face the darkness together.