A/N: Still one chapter to go after this one!
Ste
Brendan's looking at me expectantly, waiting until I start speaking. I open my mouth, willing the words to come easily but they don't. I've gone over this moment in my head a hundred times before but it doesn't help.
Brendan's beginning to grow impatient. He never did like being kept in the dark. His leg is bouncing erratically and his eyes are fixed on my face, unblinking.
"Steven?" He presses, reaching out to tap my knee. I realise I've been staring into space for some time. I give myself a little shake.
"Sorry," I say, letting out a nervous little laugh. "Where do you want me to start?"
Brendan swallows thickly. "After I got out of prison."
"Right, yeah." I nod, looking away from him to steel myself. "I only found out afterwards about you getting out early. Cheryl explained it to me. I didn't even know that was possible, maybe I'd have done things different if I…" I trail off, controlling my voice from wavering. "It don't matter."
Brendan reaches out as if to touch me but then draws back, wanting me to continue.
"I was at your old flat when I saw you. I couldn't believe it at first, I thought I was dreaming or something." I smile to myself and Brendan smiles too, remembering. It feels so good to have him remember.
"And then what happened?"
I sigh, the memory as fresh as the ones I've made today.
Ste closes the door shut with a soft click, taking a moment to rest his palm against the paintwork. It still feels strange to be around Brendan's old home without him in it. Ste tells himself that it wasn't their place, not like his old flat was, but it still holds memories for him, ones he's never likely to forget.
He remembers the day Brendan told him he loves him for the first time. The way his eyes had burned with sincerity, desperate to keep Ste from leaving. Even though his promises were later shattered, Ste still remembers that moment with fondness. It's far better to remember the good than the bad. At least that's the place he's managed to get to in his head. It doesn't stop it hurting though.
Ste shakes his head, moving away from the door. While he was lost in his thoughts he didn't notice the footsteps behind him, or the intake of breath at the sight of him.
He turns and there he is. Brendan. He's wearing his old leather jacket across a black t-shirt that's straining to fill him. His hair is slicked back, one strand falling forwards across his forehead. He hasn't got his moustache but he does have the beard he adopted the last time he went to prison.
"Steven," Brendan breathes out unevenly, taking him in.
"B-Brendan?" Ste falls back against the door, gripping it for support. Brendan takes a step towards him, concerned.
"Hey, it's okay. I can explain."
"You're out," Ste says stupidly, as if it isn't obvious. "Did you escape?"
Brendan laughs and the lines on his face strain with it, like it hasn't happened for some time.
"Of course not. I got a reduced sentence, it's a long story." He shuffles awkwardly from foot to foot like he's about to bolt.
"And you came back here?" Ste asks, his breath catching in his throat.
Brendan stares at him uncomprehendingly.
"Why wouldn't I?"
Ste struggles for an answer at first. Brendan takes a step towards him, his face softening.
"Look at you," he says gently, in that voice only reserved for Ste.
Ste feels himself begin to shake. This can't be happening, it can't be real. Must all be a dream.
"Were you trying to get into your old place?" Ste blurts, unable to order his jumbled thoughts. Brendan frowns at him in response.
"What are you talking about?"
"Why else would you come up here?"
Brendan tilts his head to the side, beginning to smile now. "For you, you idiot."
"What?" Ste's mouth feels dry.
"I asked around. Apparently you live here now." Brendan looks at him, baffled. "Is that right, Steven?"
Ste feels a tremor ripple through him at Brendan saying his name again.
"Yeah, that's right," he finally manages to say.
Brendan nods, swallowing any further questions for later.
"You gonna come here then?" He asks eventually, looking warily at Ste like he's a startled animal.
"You're really out?" Ste asks, still unsure. "This isn't some joke? They're not gonna come cart you away again?"
"Not if I can help it." Brendan smiles warmly at him. "Steven, please." He gives Ste that same desperate look he gave him years ago, the first time he said he loves him.
Ste breathes out in relief, throwing himself into Brendan's arms. Brendan staggers back an inch, taking his weight easily. This is how they've always embraced, no holds barred. Ste never holds anyone the way he holds Brendan, and no one holds Ste like Brendan does.
"I've missed you so much," Ste says, choked. His arms are clinging around Brendan's neck, Brendan's arms tightly wrapped around his waist.
"Jesus you have no idea-" Brendan cuts off, pulling back enough to take Ste's face in his hands. "I'm not letting you out of my sight ever again."
Ste laughs then, blinking back the moisture in his eyes. "That doesn't sound creepy at all."
Brendan barks a laugh, pressing his lips suddenly against Ste's. It's everything Ste remembers and so much more. Brendan's lips are firm and purposeful, his beard rough against Ste's bare face. Ste reaches out to stroke it as they kiss, wanting to savour everything.
They pull away for a moment only for Ste to instigate another kiss, softer this time, exploring. His hands are curled up in Brendan's hair, the pressure of Brendan's hands on his waist almost hard enough to bruise. Ste's never felt like this with anyone else, he's never felt this wanted, desired.
Eventually they break apart, Brendan's forehead resting against Ste's, breaths puffing against Ste's face. Ste can smell toothpaste and the hint of whiskey on his breath. Brendan came prepared for this meeting.
"Where you staying?" Ste asks, voice a little strange.
"B&B. You could come too, spend the night." Brendan's voice is low, seductive. Ste swallows, Adam's apple bobbing.
"You don't hang about."
"Been so long." Brendan strokes his cheek with his thumb.
"We should talk first," Ste manages to say, almost reluctantly.
"Okay," Brendan agrees.
"I need to just… sort some stuff out," Ste says, not wanting to bring Danny up yet. Brendan blinks, taken aback, before rearranging his features.
"Of course. You've had a life without me these past few years, I get that." Ste struggles to read his tone.
"No, it's nothing really. I won't be long." He presses his lips against Brendan's once more. "Don't go anywhere."
I look at Brendan apprehensively. He's been absorbing my story in silence, no questions, nothing. Eventually he looks up, his fingers against his lips.
"I remember that," he says, voice low.
"You do?" I ask in some surprise.
"While you were talking, it felt like I was there, reliving it." Brendan's not smiling, there's something not right.
"What is it? What else do you remember?"
Brendan frowns. "I remember what happens next."
Brendan walks back to his car in a kind of daze. His reunion with Steven wasn't exactly how he imagined it but it felt so good to see him again. He can still feel the weight of him in his arms, the press of his lips against Brendan's. Not to mention the smell of him, all-consuming. Those were the things Brendan missed the most in prison, the physicality of him. Getting to hold him in his arms, hear his voice chattering away in Brendan's ear. Except Steven wasn't especially chatty just then. It isn't all that surprising though with Brendan turning up unannounced like that. He hadn't wanted to warn him; he'd wanted the moment to be special.
Brendan can't shake the feeling that Steven is keeping something from him though. He pauses in his movements, turning back a little towards his old flat. Maybe he should talk to him, God knows he's wanted to for all these years. It isn't right for them to be apart this soon after finding each other again.
Brendan remounts the steps two at a time, wanting to get back to Steven as quickly as possible. He pauses at the top when he hears voices. Steven and another man. Brendan feels himself bristle.
"I didn't know he was coming back, did I?" Steven says hotly.
"Surely you must have known this was a possibility," the man argues back.
"He never told me he could get out early. Neither did Cheryl." Steven bites back the hurt in his voice but Brendan can see it plainly on his face. "I'm sorry, I just need to see him again."
The man's face softens. "Come here." He holds out his arms for him and Steven slots inside them easily, like he belongs there. "It'll be okay, I promise." He kisses the top of Steven's head and Brendan withdraws, dead weight settling in his stomach.
He doesn't hang around to see more. He heads straight back to the car, hands clenched at his sides. This explains Steven's earlier reluctance, his strange behaviour. Brendan had put it down to shock but now he knows better; Steven's found someone else. It hits Brendan in the chest and settles there, unshakeable.
Brendan goes up to his room when he arrives at the B&B, grabbing the bottle of whiskey and swigging it; he had a glass earlier to calm his jittering nerves. Nervous about seeing him again, fearful for this exact eventuality.
He knows it's unreasonable; he's been gone for over two years, Steven was bound to move on. Brendan told him to himself. The man Steven's with bothers him though. He isn't like Douglas, all soft and pliable. He's stocky, strong. Older. Protective. Brendan feels his insides recoil. Steven's replaced him with a better model, a more reliable one. Fuck, they're probably living in Brendan's old place, shagging in Brendan's old bedroom.
Brendan retches into the toilet, nothing tangible coming up except stale whiskey. He beats his fist against the toilet seat, all control out of the window. He takes a breath, counts to ten, reasons with his clouded mind. There could be an explanation. There has to be. He reaches for his phone, praying that Steven hasn't changed his number.
He answers on the second ring, impossibly eager.
"Bren?" He repeats himself when Brendan doesn't say anything.
"Steven," he says, the ache in his chest intensifying at the sound of his voice. "Can we meet?"
"What's wrong?" Steven asks immediately, picking up on Brendan's tone.
"It's nothing, I just need to see you."
"No, what is it?" Stubborn as fuck, no change there.
"Steven, just-"
"No! You've only just got out, what is it? What's happened? You made out everything was fine before. Are they taking you back in? Is there new evidence? How did you even get away with it in the first place?" Steven's speaking a mile a minute, it's a struggle to get a word in.
"Calm down, Steven. It's nothing about prison, okay?" Steven's panic has softened him, made him feel more reasonable. "I saw you earlier with… that man."
Silence on the other end.
"Steven?"
"What man?" Steven asks carefully, like he's figuring out a way to talk himself out of it. Brendan feels his anger returning.
"How many are there?" He bites out, reaching for the whiskey again. It tastes bitter down his swollen throat.
"You what?" Steven responds, affronted.
"I saw you outside the flat with him, looking very cosy." Brendan takes a few swigs, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "He your new man, is he? Keep you warm at night, does he?"
"Shut the fuck up, Brendan. You don't know anything."
"I know that I've spent the last few years missing you every night, wishing that you were with me."
"Whose fault's that, eh? You wouldn't let me visit. You denied all my visiting orders."
"I told you that you had to live your life. I didn't mean it this literally."
Steven's laughing now but he isn't amused. "Fuck sake, Brendan. That was my dad, you idiot. It's always been you, no matter what. Okay?"
Brendan lets this settle in. "Your… dad?"
"Yeah. I only found him recently. He lives in your old place with my sisters. Or he did, before he screwed things up. Sound familiar?"
"I…" Brendan's lost for words.
"How can you still not get this? I told you I'd never feel any differently about you, do you remember that?"
"Yeah, of course I do…"
"Then you need to sober up and get over here so we can talk."
"I thought we were meeting here."
Steven sounds embarrassed when he answers. "I'm not sure we should be alone in a room with a bed just yet."
Brendan laughs with relief, feeling infinitely lighter. "Okay, I'll come by and see you. You staying at the old place then?"
"At the moment, yeah."
"You say your dad isn't living there anymore?" Brendan still can't get his head around the idea of Steven having a father. He has so many questions.
"He stays now and again. Things are a bit… tense."
"What did he do?"
"Had an affair."
"He married then?"
"Yeah."
"Who'd he have an affair with?"
Steven snorts now, angrily. "I'll tell you later. Don't take too long, okay?"
"Wouldn't dream of it," Brendan says.
He goes into the bathroom, splashing his face with cold water to help sober up. He needs to take his car with him; the village is a couple of miles away and he doesn't want to waste another minute without Steven. He must have got most of the whiskey up when he was sick so he figures he'll be okay. He grabs his car keys, throws his jacket on and slams the door shut.
It's late now and turning dark. Brendan takes a breath to steady himself before pulling away. He grips the steering wheel tightly, eyes watering a little from being sick earlier. He blinks to clear his vision, needing to focus on finding the right turning. It's been a while and he feels disoriented driving again.
He drives past a corner and realises it was the one he needed. Cursing, he backs up, turning sharply into the junction. He misjudges the room and careens straight into another car that was taking the corner from the other side, too quick for Brendan to pull up and stop the collision.
The other car goes straight through him and distantly Brendan feels his head whip back against the headrest. He feels a dull throbbing at the back of his head and blinks through his blurred vision at the figure staggering towards his car.
"You alright, mate?" He looks familiar but Brendan can't place him. He feels himself slipping into unconsciousness, losing his grip on himself and everything around him.
Ste gets the call from Danny not long after the accident. Danny tells him he's hit another car with a man inside. Before Ste even knows who it is, he feels it, deep in his gut. Danny describes the car, lamenting through his shock how fancy it is, or rather was. Ste hears the blood rushing in his ears. He hitches a ride with Sam to the scene, pale and silent all the way.
He tears out of the car, rushing straight past his dad towards Brendan's car. Danny tries to grab him, confused by his reaction.
"Brendan?" Ste shouts, hands pressed against the glass of the window. Brendan's unconscious, his head lolling to the side. Ste can see blood there and it makes him panic even more. "Brendan!" He shouts again, trying to get the door open. Sam and Danny are behind him then, trying to prise him away. "No! Get off me! That's Brendan!"
"You can't help him, Ste," Sam tells him calmly. She gives Danny a look and then Ste feels a strong pair of arms around his middle, carrying him away.
He struggles and screams in his father's arms, beside himself. They don't understand. He can't lose him again. He can't.
Distantly he hears the sirens. They aren't quick enough. Ste wants to punch someone, anyone. He settles for his dad.
"It's all your fault!" He screams, collapsing into a heap when Danny is forced to let go of him. Sam crouches beside him, trying to reason with him. Ste ignores her, watching as the paramedics arrive, as someone in a luminous jacket asks him to come with them. "Get off!" He shakes himself out of their grasp. "Just help him!"
The paramedic is resolute though, she forces Ste to sit in the back of the ambulance to get checked over while they cut Brendan out. Ste's resistance disappears when they load Brendan into the back of the same ambulance.
He launches himself at the gurney, ignoring the protests of the paramedics.
"Is he going to be okay?"
"He's suffered a serious blow to the back of his head. There could be complications."
"Complications? What kind of complications?" Ste can barely pronounce the word, his tongue feels too big for his mouth.
"We'll know more when we get him to the hospital. Are you coming?"
They're about to close the door. Ste nods firmly, taking Brendan's hand in his own. Brendan regains some consciousness then and Ste grips his hand tighter.
"It's okay, Bren. It's me."
Brendan frowns at him, clearly in a lot of pain.
"Who are you?" He rasps out.
Ste stares at the paramedics, panic-stricken. "He doesn't know who I am?"
Two of them exchange a look. "It could be temporary. He's in shock."
Ste looks between them, disbelieving. "You don't know that though."
"We'll know more when we get to the hospital."
Brendan loses consciousness again and Ste swallows his panic for the time being. Something isn't right.
I press my forehead against Brendan's shoulder.
"I'm sorry I left you," I whisper, voice muffled by the fabric of his shirt.
"What happened?" Brendan asks. He doesn't sound accusing, just curious.
"They took you through to check you over. They wouldn't let me go in with you so I called Cheryl. She was already on her way to see you. I sat outside the hospital for a while, until I visited you that night."
"Why didn't you come in sooner?"
I shrug. "I got scared. You freaked me out in the ambulance, asking who I was. Then when I did see you and I thought you knew it was me… I was so relieved. I thought everything was going to be okay. But then…"
"I know," Brendan says softly.
"I'm sorry."
Brendan looks at me then. "You don't need to say sorry, not ever."
I shake my head, feeling my eyes begin to fill. "I do this time. I should have stayed, faced up to it. But I just couldn't. I was so angry. I'd just gotten you back and then you were gone again. I blamed you for about a second, but then I realised I blamed my dad more."
"That's why you were so angry with him," Brendan says, piecing everything together. "That's why you were living in that shithole when I saw you again."
"On top of everything else he'd done I just couldn't handle it. I know it was an accident but the thought of anything happening to you…"
"Hey, nothing happened. I'm still here." Brendan wraps his arms around me, drawing me close.
"But something did happen, you forgot me. I'd finally found you again and he took that away from me. He took you away."
"No." Brendan turns to grip my shoulders. "He didn't take me away. Don't say that."
"It felt like it, at the time."
"I shouldn't have been drinking," Brendan says, the weight of it settling around him. "How could I be so stupid? After Peter." His face darkens then, transported to another place.
"He was driving too fast, he told me. You weren't that drunk."
Brendan shakes his head. "It doesn't matter now, does it? That's everything. There's nothing else to remember."
I nod, allowing his words to comfort me. "It's never that easy though."
"True, but it never is with us."
I smile then, the tension in my body beginning to unravel.
"I love you," I say. It doesn't feel like any more needs to be said right now.
Brendan presses a kiss against my temple, taking a moment to breathe me in. "I love you too."
"We're gonna be okay, aren't we?" I can't help but ask.
"I hope so, Steven," he says wearily, flashing me a smile. I'm not sure who he's trying to reassure now, me or him.
"So what now?" I ask. Brendan laughs. I've barely lasted a few minutes of silence.
He looks thoughtful for a moment. "We really need to get away from this place."
His words take me by surprise. "You reckon?"
He raises his eyebrows at me. "After everything that's happened here? Definitely."
"We've got good memories too," I point out. "It hasn't all been a mess."
He nods but he's distracted.
"What is it?" I ask.
"Remember what I told you in Dublin? On the bridge?"
"Yeah of course. You do as well," I say the last bit uncertainly. He can't have forgotten again.
"I do," he says quickly. "I told you then that I can't live my life without you, and now I know one lifetime will never be enough, but fuck it, I'm not gonna let anything come between us again. Got it?"
I can't help but laugh at the seriousness of his expression. "I know that," I say gently. "Ditto."
"Ditto? Seriously?"
"Shut up." I give him a nudge. "You know I love you. I just wanna be normal for a bit, no big declarations and life changing moments. I wanna be us again, before it all went to shit."
"And when exactly was that?" Brendan teases and I give him another nudge. This time he traps me between his arms, holding me close. "I can do that though. Maybe not the normal bit but… I can try."
"I'm not asking for a miracle, just a bit of time together, you know?"
"Can I lock the door?"
"Be my guest."
Neither of us moves for a moment. I wrap my arms around his neck and he doesn't need to ask why. I'm faced with the same feeling I got when he walked back into my life except this time I know everything will be okay.