A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Will. As always, it's meant in fun.
The Mizard Of Odd
Chapter 15: Miz Finishes Handing Out Jobs
"I don't have a problem with it," Randy said.
"Just do me a favor and leave him alone if he's Jeff."
Randy shrugged. "No promises."
"I'm so glad you put the angry guy in charge of a sensitive issue," Punk said. "Because that will end well."
Miz said, "I need to find out. Jeff's my gum chewer."
"Also not the best idea, but who's counting?"
"You are, apparently."
"Someone has to. It can't always be about baptisms with Pepsi. Sometimes, it's about knowing what everyone else is doing and telling them why they're wrong to be doing it."
"Sounds like the perfect job for you."
"What if I don't want it?"
Christian snickered. "Who are you kidding? Of course you want it. You're going to do it, no matter what, so you may as well take it."
"You don't know me," Punk said to Christian.
"Dude," Christian said, "are you kidding? I've spent the last six months locked in the booby hatch with you. Of course I know you. You're Jesus."
"You've been here six months?" Miz asked.
"Give or take, yeah," said Christian.
"How do you know?" Punk asked. "It's not like you can look at the calendar, is it?"
"Will tells me what day it is every morning," Christian said. "And besides, any idiot can keep track of the meals and figure out the day. It's bacon and egg day, which means it's Thursday."
"Bacon and egg day is Thursday?" Miz asked. "For some reason, I'd expect it to be Saturday."
"It is," said Punk, "but only in odd weeks."
"Every week here is an odd week," JJ said.
"Hey! Hey, Miz!" Matt said, tugging at Miz's shirt sleeve. "Look! Watch! I can blow a bubble!" He puffed his cheeks up with air and blew as hard as he could, sending his gum sailing onto the carpet. Everyone froze as Matt stared down at the gum. "That didn't work," he said after a moment. "But it will this time!" He scooped the gum up and popped it back in his mouth.
"Ew!" Miz said. "Jeff, yuck!"
Matt chewed the gum contentedly. "It has more flavor now."
Miz gagged. Punk said, "Don't forget, you made him the official gum chewer."
"Ugh!" Miz said. "That was gross!"
"Do you want me to hit him?" Randy asked hopefully.
"No," Miz said. "Maybe later."
"Whee!" Mark ran past them, throwing bacon and eggs from his plate into the air. "I'm in a parade! Look, I'm a hero!"
"Oh!" Matt said. "Me too!" He rushed after Mark, giggling.
Miz glared at Mark as some egg landed in his hair. "Please tell me it's scrambled eggs," he said to Punk.
"Over easy," Punk said, as yolk trailed down the back of Miz's shirt.
"Randy," Miz said, "if you'd like to hit someone, Mark needs it right now."
Orton said, "No thanks. The last time I hit the World's Strongest Man, he almost sat on me."
"Whee!" Mark said, throwing a particularly greasy piece of bacon at Orton. It smacked the Viper in the nose.
"On second thought…" Orton said, eyeing Mark. "Maybe just this once will be all right." And with a bellow, he gave chase.
"So Orton's the muscle," Punk said, "Jeff's the gum chewer, you're the cat whisperer, Mark's the distraction and I'm the brains. I guess that leaves Christian and JJ."
"I'm Rey's wrangler," JJ said.
"So just the blind guy, then," Punk amended. "What can you do, Christian?"
"I don't know," said Christian. "I'm good at a lot of things."
"Maybe Rey is the voice of reason," JJ said. "We certainly need one, around here."
"I am reasonable," Christian said thoughtfully. "And I'm good at solving problems."
"And yet, you're still here," said Punk.
"Because I'm blind as a bat," Christian replied. "Not because I'm crazy like the rest of you. Except for you, JJ. You're as sane as I am."
"That's not saying much, is it?" Punk muttered.
Christian glared two feet to Punk's left. "Very funny."
"I thought it was," Punk said.
Miz said, "I wish you two would stop fighting for once."
Just then, Mark let out a yelp. "Randy! Don't bite me!"
"What's going on in here?" Will demanded.
"He says that a lot, doesn't he?" Miz observed.
"You should see him on balloon animal day," Punk said. "Oh, wait. You will, since it's tomorrow."
Christian groaned. "I hate balloon animal day!"
"Christian's scared of balloons," Punk said, lowering his voice.
"I am not!" Christian said. "I just don't like it when you creep up behind me and pop them like you always do."
Punk smirked. "But it's so much fun, Christian. You jump every time."
"It's because I can't see you coming, you jerk!" Christian said.
"And yet, it's still funny," Punk said.
"You really should use your powers for good, Hornswoggle," JJ said. "Scaring Rey is definitely evil."
"I can't help it if he won't wear his glasses," Punk said.
"I hate my glasses!" Christian exclaimed.
"I've never seen them," Miz said. "Why do you hate your glasses?"
"They're coke bottles," Christian muttered.
"Pepsi bottles!" Punk countered. "And if you'd let me bless them, you'd see better."
"That's what you said when you tried to baptize me, but all that happened was that I got Pepsi in my eyes. Do you have any idea how much that stings?" Christian said.
"That's when he quit wearing his glasses," JJ told Miz.
"They don't help that much, anyway."
"They keep you from running into walls, Rey," JJ said.
"Not as often as they should. And anyway, it doesn't matter. I'm going to get that laser surgery thingy done someday."
"There's a good idea," Punk said. "You won't let me pour a little healing Pepsi in your eyes, but you're going to trust some idiot with a laser?"
"The idiot with a laser will have a doctor's degree," Christian said. "Something you don't have, Punk."
"I don't need one," Punk said. "I'm Jesus. Look in the bible. There are plenty of instances of me putting my hands on people and healing them. And on top of that, I've never been sued for malpractice. I'd like to know if this alleged doctor you plan to find can say that."
"As long as he's not delusional, and doesn't think he's Jesus and doesn't want to pour soft drinks into my eyes," Christian said, "I'm okay with a malpractice suit or two."
"Hmph. Whatever," Punk said.