Shepard returned two hours ago with a Salarian doctor and a human merc (not Wrex, but this Massani looks just as volatile.)

Now they're waiting for the mass relay, and that's the worst thing about flying civilian. The relay lines sometimes stretch for hours, and even though Shepard's specter status has been reinstated, it doesn't offer the same line cuts the flagship of Human-Turian peace enjoyed.

The wait does afford Joker the opportunity to flip through the crew files, though. Shepard was groundside for nearly fifteen hours, and the ship is still in one piece, so he hasn't royally fucked up his new position just yet. Guess that means he ought to start taking it seriously.

Shepard comes by a little later, bearing gifts in the form of hot coffee. It's black, but he'll drink it anyway. She's engrossed in a datapad, barely nods when he says hello.

Some of these personnel files look complete. Like Jacob's. Basic family information, educational records, military service records, list of Cerberus projects, all included with dates and links to more information. Others, like Miranda's, are so full of redactions it's hard to tell if she even works for Cerberus now.

One redaction, though, is more confusing than the rest. "So what's the J stand for?" Joker asks when Shepard's file comes up. The holo is of a much younger woman in dress blues, trying to look intimidating, but coming off scared instead. Joker's not sure he'd recognize her without the nametag.

Shepard looks up, brow furrowed in confusion. "What J?"

"J. Shepard. Your files don't have your full name." Joker answers.

He's not expecting laughter, but mirth overtakes Shepard. Her eyes crinkle, and she cackles, head thrown back into the leather seat. The sound echoes across the floor. The bridge crew turn to stare in fascination as their commander completely. loses. her. shit.

It's a while before Shepard can breathe again, and she's holding her side when she finally spits out, "You're teasing me, right?"

Joker throws up innocent hands. "Hell, Shepard, I've no idea what I've just stepped in."

That makes her laugh again, more controlled, but the grin doesn't leave her face. "Anderson," she wipes a tear from her eye before continuing, "he was the one who... recruited? me off the streets."

Her smile must be contagious, because Joker can't help an answering smirk as he nods for her to continue.

"I guess you could say I wasn't the most cooperative recruit he'd ever had- I've never been one for limited options, and the choice between the Alliance and jail was pretty limited- so when he asked for my name-" Shepard blushes, as if only just aware that her story has gained an audience. No one is working at the consoles around them. Kelly has even left her post to hear better. "Well, he already knew Shepard, 'cause that's what all the Reds called me. When I wouldn't stop cussing him out long enough to tell him my first name, he said," Shepard's voice deepens into the worst imitation Joker's ever heard of the councilor, "I guess I'll just put Jackass down, then, shall I?"

Joker's not sure he's ever heard the commander curse, and the shock of it startles out a laugh. "You're shitting me."

" 'fraid not."

"Commander Jackass Shepard." Joker salutes her. "No wonder they just stuck with Shepard at the funeral."

"Can you imagine the toll on recruitment?"

"I don't know, I'd sign up in the memory of Commander Jackass. Hell, anytime you wanted to curse at your CO, you could pretend it was a gesture of admiration." Joker tugs the brim of his cap. "You're a real Jackass, ma'am."

"Try it with me, and I'll throw you out the airlock," Shepard says.

"So what is your first name?"

Shepard shrugs. "No clue. Was a member of the Reds as far back as I can remember, none of them ever said if they knew."

"Shit," Joker says, like the idea's just occurred to him. "They gave the Star of Terra to Commander Jackass."

"I'm going to punch you in your face," Shepard replies. "And it was Lieutenant Jackass at the time." Her eyes are glittering.

"Wow, threatening a cripple. Really living up to your name there, aren't you, Commander?"

The work silently for almost an hour longer, until the info on Joker's screen starts blurring. He swipes the files closed. It's possible that doing his job well will mean actually talking to people. It's a prospect he's not quite brought himself to terms with.

Whatcha reading?" he asks.

"Batarian fairytales," Shepard answers.

"If it's porn, you can just say so. I promise not to be scandalized."

She snorts. "Scandalizing you is never something I worry about, Joker. But seriously, it's Batarian fairytales."

"Is it Fornax? If so, can I see it when you're done?"

With a roll of her eyes, Shepard hands over the datapad, and the steady glow of the screen shows... Batarian fairytales.

"Okay, first, what? Second, why? Third, Batarians have fairytales? Doesn't that seem a little... soft?"

"On the contrary, Mr. Moreau," EDI says. "All known organic species have mythical tales intended primarily for their young."

"No one was talking to you, Thing."

Shepard lays her hand on his arm. "Play nice with the AI. And to answer your question, the Batarians seem to have been the first race to come into contact with the Collectors. A lot of Batarian fairytales seem to use them as bad guys."

"And you're reading them why?"

"EDI sorted them into stories from distinct origins. Any trait which carries across might be based on fact. At any rate, the only other intel we have is a panicked Quarians data retrieved through several feet of solid steel. I'll take what I can get."

Joker hums in thought. "Okay. So what's a Batarian read to their kids?"

"Well in this one a Batarian girl murders each of her family members and delivers their bodies to a beast in exchange for a bauble to give her true love. He blows her head off after he gives over the bauble, though. It ends, 'Let not fleshly friendships and base urges compel us to sin and neglect. The Word makes its demands, and it demands obedience!'"

Joker gives a low whistle. "Wowzer. So true love conquering all isn't exactly a tenet of Batarian society I take it?"

Shepard shrugs. "It's not that much worse than something like Blue Beard. But it confirms what the others have been saying. Standard Collector behavior has been to purchase alien bodies with advanced tech. What's happening to the human colonies is a break in operating procedure."

"Any ideas as to why?"

"Not a one," Shepard replies as she finds her feet. "Alright, I'm going to go see if Mordin has anything concrete on the seeker swarms."

"The Quarian's data was that useful?"

"Apparently. Mordin made his own seeker bug, has it flying around a cage in the tech lab."

That's enough to send a chill down Joker's spine. "Shit, Shepard, that's on this floor. Some of us work here!"

"Oh don't tell me the universe's best pilot is afraid of a little bug."

"No, but a bug as big as my face? That injects people with a paralytic agent? That's just good judgment, Commander Jackass."

Shepard pulls the brim of his cap down over his eyes as she leaves.