So ranting on twitter again with my fellow DeGrassi saviors because once again the show writers have disappointed, well that's why we have fan fiction right?

Ch. 18 I Need Something to Believe in

(FITZ)

Drew goes upstairs leaving the bedroom door open, I put my hand at Meghan's back and we walk into their bedroom. Clare's hair is messy from sleep; her eyes are droopy and sad with dark circles under them. She looks very worn and tired, she looks depressed and it's making her look much older than her 17 years. She's still beautiful underneath it all but it breaks my heart to see her this forlorn, even her normally vibrant blue eyes that can shine like crystals from across the room have become dull and greyed. Meghan has known Clare far less time that I have but I can tell that Meghan sees it too. We sit on the edge of the bed on the side I'm assuming Drew usually sleeps on.

"Hey Clare," I smile at her and she gives me a little smile but doesn't say anything. "Drew's worried about you; he said you don't think that you're supposed to have this baby. Don't you think God wants you to have this baby and that you got pregnant for a reason?" I question and Clare shakes her head.

"No it was an accident, the condom broke it happens. How could God possibly want me to suffer through all this? For my daughter to be growing in an environment that can't support her? Look at everything that's gone wrong since I got pregnant I can't possibly be meant to raise this child if my body is this fragile," Clare laments sadly.

"Clare that's not true, I know you're sad right now but you must know that's not true God doesn't make mistakes, you are pregnant for a reason, God has a plan and it will reveal itself to you in time. I know you've lost some of your faith but we talked about how you've held onto the core of it. Even with most of your faith shaken away surely in your heart you know that God wanted you to get pregnant and have your daughter and raise her with Drew," Meghan asserts.

"If that's true then why put us through all this? We've had nothing but problems and downfalls from the start. I keep having to go into the emergency room and being told that there's a problem with my body that's complicating the pregnancy. Drew and I were never meant to get pregnant it was an accident because the condom broke. Child birth is supposed to be a miracle but I'll be surprised if we even make it to the birth this doesn't feel like a miracle or a joy it feels like a punishment. Why would God be punishing me? The god I was taught about, the one I put all my faith in as a child is not that cruel. Having sex with Drew was my decision and I never regretted it. I know we weren't married but we were and are deeply in love and everything in me told me it was right. I've never been happier or more loved than when I'm with Drew. God could not be so cruel as to punish me for being in love," Clare responds with tears in her eyes.

"I think you're looking at it wrong Clare, instead of looking at all of this as a punishment I believe it's test. God is testing your strength and I'm sure he has a reason for it. I believe too that God is sending you message that you need to find your faith again. God makes you stronger but you have to have faith," Meghan encourages.

Clare looks at us curling onto her side and putting her back to us, she's quiet for a moment and I look at Meghan. She takes my hand and gives me an encouraging smile; we know we're doing the right thing.

"I just don't think I have any left, I had faith that Drew would come back to me and he has but I also had faith that once he did things would get better. They aren't getting better I'm just getting sicker and more frail. The doctors keep telling me the baby is fine but they also keep having this look on their face every time they see the scans or hear the heartbeat. I have Drew back and our love is strong I am happy when I'm with him but somehow…," her sentence trails off as she begins sniffling in tears.

Meghan reaches over and puts a hand on Clare's arm, "We can help you find your faith again Clare but I don't see how you can get through this without your faith. You've started losing your faith and you're losing heart with everything. You need to hold God in your heart again Clare and we'll help you do that. We can come over after school and Sunday's after church to read the bible with you and listen to worship music and just to talk. Sometimes it just helps to talk and I know you can talk to Drew but there might be things you can't talk to Drew about," Meghan tells her.

Clare isn't sniffling any longer but she also remains silent.

"Meghan is right Clare you need your faith and your friends to give you strength to get you through this. If you give up completely then you'll lose your baby for sure and maybe more. I know how important your faith was to you at one time and I think it still is deep down let us help you," I urge Clare and she finally nods.

"Okay it would be nice to have you guys over so much and I have been feeling pretty…lost since my faith began waning," Clare says rolling over again to look at us.

"Good then we'll start tomorrow evening when Mark gets off work," Meghan smiles just as Drew appears in the doorway carrying a tray.

"We should go and let you eat lunch but we'll see you tomorrow evening," I tell Clare bending down to kiss her cheek. Meghan does the same, we say goodbye to Drew and leave Clare to eat.

"I hope we can help her, I really think Clare will do better when she finds her faith in God again," Meghan says as we walk to my car.

"Me too Sunshine and I think we will," I say and take her into my arms kissing my beautiful girlfriend.

(DREW)

I wake up suddenly when I feel Clare jolt up in bed, she sits up and starts shaking, I realize she's crying. I sit up putting my arms around her and kissing the back of her neck.

"Bad dream?" I ask but I know that's what it is. Clare nods her head and turns into me and cries on my shoulder. I wrap my arms around her more and start rubbing her back softly. "Do you want to talk about it?" I ask her and she shakes her head. I sit with her and just hold her silently until she's done crying. "You want to go back to sleep?" I question when she's done and she shakes her head again.

"I don't think I can," she responds sniffling in her tears a bit.

"You want to tell me about your dream now?" I offer.

"I died, or the baby died I'm not sure there was just blood everywhere and I was drowning in it, I couldn't get out of it," she tells me.

She's been having gruesome dreams like this a lot recently, ever since she had been admitted to the hospital for having contractions. Fitz and Meghan have been over nearly every day for the last five days helping Clare regain her faith. I think it was working, I mean she did seem generally happier while they were here and just after they left.

"How about a bath then? Or shower? The doctor said you could take short ones although you will have to be up and out of bed for your appointment tomorrow so maybe not. A bath would relax you though, a sponge bath? I'll sit in the washroom and wash you and rub you until you get tired again," I propose.

"A sponge bath sounds nice and I would like to get out of bed if only for a bit," Clare tells me wiping her eyes.

"A sponge bath it is then, wait right here and I'll go start the water, I'll be back in just a minute," I tell Clare and she nods.

Getting up I walk to the washroom turning on the light then dimming it because it's too bright and then turning on the bath water. I adjust it to the right temperature and then go back to the bedroom, helping Clare out bed and to the washroom. It's not as though she can't walk but she's supposed to stay off her feet as much as possible. I help her get her nightie off and she gets in the tub, I turn the water off when it's just to her belly button. Clare leans back against the tub wall and reaches for my hand, I take her hand moving up so I can sit near her. Clare looks at me and gives me a soft smile; it's a reassuring smile so that I know she's okay. I smile back and give her a soft kiss running my fingers through her hair. She locks eyes with mine, so many emotions swirl around in their crystal blue it's hard to pick them all out. Fear about dying and losing our daughter is most prominent, under that a deep love and appreciation I know she holds just for me, exhaustion, uncertainty, anxiousness and even peace they are all there in her eyes.

Clare seems to get nervous with me watching her and closes her eyes leaning her head against the wall. I watch her a second just taking in her beauty and gorgeously milky porcelain skin. My eyes drift down following the line from her nose to her cherub lips and down her chin and her neck, the curves of her luscious mounds of breasts and then to the bump of her pregnant belly. Our daughters home until she's ready to come out and greet the world. It's incredible to me to think that there's a little life growing inside there, an entire human is being developed inside Clare's body, a little life that we made together. I gently put my hand on her belly and Clare's eyes shoot open.

"Sorry My Shining Jewel didn't mean to startle you just saying hello to our daughter," I apologize to Clare.

She smiles at me putting her hand on mine, "What do you think she'll be like?"

"Gorgeous of course, how could she not be with a beautiful woman like you for a mother and a handsome devil like me as a father," I reply and Clare giggles leaning forward to kiss me.

"Seriously Drew," Clare says leaning back again.

"I think she'll be tough and stubborn, I think she'll be creative and loyal, protective of her friends and very loving. I think she'll be smart and beautiful and the most loved baby in Toronto if not all of Canada," I reply and Clare grins just as I feel a tiny movement from her belly as our daughter kicks.

"I think we woke her up," Clare comments rubbing her belly.

"Yep and I think I better soothe her to sleep again but let's wash you up first," I remark taking a washcloth from the stack on the counter. I get it wet and add some body wash, Clare moves forward a little and I begin softly washing her back. I wash her front and spend extra time on her belly then do her legs and feet. Helping her stand and then get out of the bath, I wrap a towel around her and we go back to the bedroom. "Get comfortable on your side and I'll rub you until you fall asleep again," I tell her pulling down the covers.

"You don't have to," she replies while already lying down on her side.

"I want to Clare," I respond firmly but in a gentle soft voice.

Clare gets comfortable and I start rubbing her from her neck down to her feet until she's asleep again. Kissing her tenderly I pull the covers over her and quickly succumb to the exhaustion that I feel.

(CLARE)

"You know some of these names absurd," I remark flipping through the book of 1001 baby names that Audra got for me.

"Like what?" Maya questions from her seat at my feet.

Maya had been brought by Owen along with Tris, Zig and Cam. Stacey would be her too but they had all come during DeGrassi lunch time and Stacey didn't go to DeGrassi; Owen did promise he'd be back with Stacey and dinner after my appointment this afternoon. Drew was upstairs making lunch for the two of us and the others were keeping me company.

"Like Dorethea or Adamari or Margaoux spelled M-a-r-g-a-o-u-x just to make it ridiculously complicated," I laugh.

"Those are awful you are not allowed to name your baby any of those," Owen tells me.

"Here's one where you can name your baby by it's astrological sign, what's it's sign going to be?" Tris asks picking up a book from the table.

"If she's born on the 17th of September like she's supposed to be she'll be a Virgo," I tell Tris.

He flips through the book and finds the right page, "Anaan, Analaura, Anadita, Nadeeda, Naima is kind of pretty and it means tranquil."

"Naima is nice," Maya smiles.

"And tranquility is always good," I smile putting my hand on my belly.

"Yeah and not a trait that Drew has much of," Zig teases as Maya takes the book from Tristan.

"One of these names means drink of water," Maya giggles.

"This is silly people will name their children anything I'm not naming my baby one of those," I respond putting the book on the table again.

"You'll find the right name and you have lots of time," Owen assures me and I smile at him.

"What's your appointment for today?" Cam questions.

"Just a follow up but they have to check on the baby, and me, make sure that I don't need to be hospitalized until the baby is born," I sigh dreading the thought of needing to be hospitalized that long.

"You've gotten a lot stronger Clare I'm sure you won't need to be hospitalized," Owen tells me with a comforting smile and I smile back.

The upstairs door opens and Drew comes down the stairs with a tray, he sets it on the table and hands me a plate. I start eating as does Drew, Owen reminds us that prom is next weekend and I feel bad that Drew will be missing it. Maya, Tris, Zig and Cam start filling me in on everything that happened at school that morning until Owen tells them it's time to go.

"I'll be here with dinner and Stacey by 5:30," Owen tells me kissing my forehead.

"Bye Clare, Bye Drew," Tris, Maya, Zig and Cam say at nearly the same time and I laugh.

Drew and I finish eating lunch and he cleans up, I change the channel on the TV and wait for Drew to come downstairs again. I guess I was tired because I fall asleep and don't wake up until I feel Drew's lips on mine.

"How long was I asleep?"

"About three hours, I didn't want to wake you but right now we have to get your ready to leave for your appointment. I was thinking one of those summer maternity dresses that mom bought for you would be good since it will slip on and off easily," Drew comments.

"Yes the white one with the flowers please," I request.

Drew grins and goes into the bedroom, I get up and start to follow him slowly but he appears a minute later with the dress.

"Clare I was bringing it to you, you shouldn't be up," he scolds lightly stealing a kiss before he helps me out of my pajamas.

He helps me get the dress on then I go into the washroom and do my hair. When I come out Drew helps me slip on my shoes then he grabs my purse, his keys and wallet and we go out to his car. He opens my door for me before going around to the driver's side and getting in. He starts the car and looks over at me taking my hand; I know we both have the same secret fear which is that the doctor will say something else is wrong. We drive in silence each of us deep in thought but taking comfort in the other. Drew parks at the Dr.'s office and helps me out; we go in and sign in before sitting in two chairs. Waiting for a few minutes before the nurse calls us back; she weighs me and takes my vitals before telling me to put the gown on as she leaves the room. Drew helps me get the gown on and get on the exam table, he sits behind me and holds me until Dr. Davis comes in.

"Hello Clare and Drew good to see you again, so Clare your vitals look pretty good aside from blood pressure being on the low side but it's not too bad. How have you been feeling?"

"Pretty good I guess, stronger and I haven't had any more contractions or pain. A few palpitations but not many, my appetite's been good but I get a lot of heartburn and indigestion," I tell her.

"Both of those are normal for pregnant women even at 24 weeks. How about pain anywhere else? How's your sleep been?" Dr. Davis questions.

"My back aches most often, sometimes my body hurts in different places but it's usually from staying one position too long. My sleeps been okay, it's gotten better in the last few days but I still wake up with a lot of nightmares or have trouble staying asleep," I reply.

"Nightmares?" Dr. Davis questions writing something in my fiel and then guiding me to lie back on the table so she can do a physical.

"Yeah ever since she was admitted for the contractions, she's been having nightmares about losing the baby or dying herself," Drew explains for me.

"Yes that's completely understandable it's very frightening to go through that and with all the hormones in your body, being a young first time mother it all takes it's toll on the psyche. I can recommend a therapist if you'd like," Dr. Davis offers and I shake my head. "If you don't want to speak to a professional then I encourage you to keep a dream journal and write them down. Also to talk to people you trust about the dreams, Drew, Adam, Owen or any of your other friends you feel you can confide in," Dr. Davis tells me and I nod. "Alright you're looking much better than when I saw you in the hospital let's get your gown up and have a look at the baby."

I pull my gown up while Dr. Davis turns on the sonogram machine and gets the bottle of gel. I shiver slightly when the cold gel hits my skin and Drew squeezes my hand. Dr. Davis moves the wand over my belly and we begin to see a picture on the screen.

"Oh look at how beautiful she is," Drew gushes when he sees the image of our daughter. I have to agree she looks beautiful, like a tiny baby doll, the image reminds me of one I used to have when I was little in fact. "Is she sucking her thumb?" Drew questions leaning in to see the image better.

"Yes she'll do that a lot as well as moving around while she can, feeling the umbilical cord and her body," Dr. Davis replies moving the want over my entire bump and looking at every possible angle. "Well she's still small but I suspect she'll remain so, small but healthy that scare of early labor doesn't seem to have any lasting effects, of course we'll continue to monitor closely and I'm keeping you on bed rest for the time being," Dr. Davis tells me as she prints out a couple pictures for us, wipes the gel from my belly and turns off the machine.

"How long will I have to be on bed rest?" I inquire.

"Hard to say and even if we take you off you'll probably have to go back on as you get closer to your due date. For now just take it easy same as you have been and come back in if you have any more pains, bleeding or contractions. Make another appointment for three weeks and of course don't hesitate to call if you have any questions or concerns. Speaking of do you have any questions or concerns for me now?"

"No not that I can think of right now," I reply.

"Nope I think we've pretty well covered all my concerns since I call the nurses line about once a week," Drew says and I look at him.

"Alright then call if you do have any concerns and don't forget to make an appointment for three weeks," she says and then leaves the room.

"Have you really been calling that much?" I ask Drew.

"I just want to be sure that I'm doing everything for you that I can and I can't always think of questions at the doctor," Drew tells me.

I smile and kiss him passionately before he helps me off the table and helps me get dressed. We gather our stuff and stop at the nurse's desk to make an appointment, it's set for Monday June 13th at 11am.

"I'm sorry you'll be missing prom," I tell Drew as we're driving home.

"No prom is more important than you and our baby, anyway we'll just go to your next year. Although it might be mine too considering I'm probably going to miss all my exams and would probably fail them anyway," Drew remarks but this doesn't make me feel any better.

We're silent for the rest of the drive home and when we get there Owen is already here with Stacey and dinner from a seafood restaurant.

"Hey I found out it's good for you to eat fish high in oils so we got seafood for dinner," Stacey says as she hugs me.

"Great thanks," I smile sitting down as Owen starts to put food onto plates for us.

"Dude look at my beautiful baby girl," Drew brags showing Owen the sonogram pictures we got from the doctor.

"She's definitely a beauty, you're going to have to keep a close eye on her when she gets to dating age," Owen remarks.

"Don't I know it," Drew nods. Owen hands me a plate with salmon, rice and veggies on it kissing my cheek as he does and I smile. Drew, the proud and gloating father, shows Stacey the pictures. "Look at her beautiful eyes, they'll be just as beautiful as Clare's," Drew says.

"Drew it's a black and white picture, anyway it will be months before we know what color her eyes are or how they look," I tell him.

"Nope I can tell already," Drew responds stubbornly as he takes a plate with crab cakes and fries on it.

"So what did the doctor say?" Owen asks as he hands Stacey a plate and sits down with a plate of his own.

"I'm doing well and so is the baby but I have to stay on bed rest for now and I have another appointment in three week," I inform them.

"There's a chance she could be taken off bed rest for a while but she'd have to go back on it again as she got closer to delivering," Drew adds.

"Well at least you don't have to stay in the hospital until you give birth," Stacey says.

"Yeah and I hope I won't have to."

Update next Tuesday with more of Clare's friends visiting and maybe a surprise or two.