Hey! I'm updating early as I am going away on holiday tomorrow, but you'll be pleased to know that I am returning next Sunday, and so will update as normal on the following Monday.
Love is a spirit of all compact of fire. - William Shakespeare.
NB: THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. The view expressed in this chapter is not the author's own, as the author believes that everyone has a right to their own preferences, without ridicule or stigma from other people. None of the characters are homophobic, and Lily has her own reasons for her reaction to the rumour, which will be explained in subsequent chapters. The author sincerely hopes that she has not caused any offence.
From thence onwards, the dynamics of my relationship with Sirius changed. One can't be witness to someone's greatest hurts and fears, and someone can't display their greatest hurts and fear to one, without automatically deepening a relationship.
I believe it was after this occurrence in the Heads' Common Room that I came to think of him as Sirius, rather than Black. I used to call and think of him as Black because he annoyed me, and also as an attempt to distance myself from my feelings for him, to try not to fancy him so much.
Even though I still was reluctant to feel the feelings that I did for him, our friendship had developed. So too did my feelings. The annoying thing was that his family, his past life, perhaps gave him an excuse for his shameless womanizing.
Being a hopeful (as opposed to hopeless) romantic, I have the tendency to over-romanticize things. But the case may be, as the saying goes, that Sirius was looking for love in all the wrong places. I know it sounds soppy, but let's face it, who, before James, would ever have shown Sirius love?
I think anyone from his family would be ruled out, and even though I know that his friends do love him (in a platonic way), I know for a fact that boys aren't very demonstrative, aren't very forthcoming, with their emotions.
Unlike girls, boys don't sit around discussing each others' problems, or crying all over each other. Even though I did see two of the Marauders cry, they were doing it alone, wanted to be alone, rather than do it in front of their friends.
To me this seems weird, but hey, I am a girl, so what do I know? In any case, there was a possibility that Sirius could be mistaking physical love, physical affection, for emotional love and affection. Then again, maybe I was just in denial that he was a womanizer, in the same ways in which my brothers were womanizers, who had never wanted for love or affection.
September slowly bled into October, the lengthening nights synonymous with the longer evenings spent working, rather than relaxing. Lily and James continued on their friendship, to the interest and scrutiny of the whole school. People began to place bets on when they would get together.
Lily was unaware of the bets, for she certainly would have backed off had she known, but she was inundated with various random people, from the first to the seventh year, and even Mademoiselle Rosmerta at the Three Broomsticks, asking whether she was dating James Potter.
She became very irritable when this happened, even going so far as to pull out her wand and threaten to hex an impertinent fifth-former, who had asked whether James was a good kisser.
James was handling it all very well. I gave him the advice to laugh off the questions and the rumours, so as not to make Lily run for the hills in panic. He was also doing very well in his friendship with Lily: I only occasionally had to give him titbits of advice, such as to improve his table manners to those of Sirius' standards, who had impeccable ones.
I remember the date well, October the 16th. We had celebrated James' birthday on September 8th, and Sirius' on October 11th, with huge parties in the Gryffindor common room. I had bought both of them broom servicing kits, with which they seemed pleased. I also thought it was a smart move on my part: by not getting Sirius anything extravagant or remarkable, I did not draw any suspicion to the conjecture that I might have feelings for him.
October the 16th started out, as with most of these days, as pretty normal. I got up, had a shower, had breakfast, went to lessons, had lunch, had more lessons, went to the library to work. Nothing out of the ordinary, from the blue skies to Professor McGonagall's good mood, gave me any sort of warning whatsoever.
Walking back from the library to the Great Hall for supper, I was in a good mood. I had just finished another difficult Potions essay, this time without Sirius' help. Near the staircase leading down to the main staircase stood the fifth-former boy, who had asked Lily what snogging James was like, talking with a group of his friends.
Upon catching sight of me, his expression brightened, and he detached himself from his friends with a few words, beginning to make his way towards me. I watched him approach warily, slowing down until I was moving at a snail's pace.
"Hey, Loganberry." This salutation did nothing to endear him to me.
I scowled, then perceiving how childish this might look, I straightened my features into a chilling mask of contempt.
"You called." I stated.
He was taken aback by the frigidity of my reply, but carried on.
"Just wanted the heads up on Evans and Potter. They are dating, aren't they?"
"No. In any case, it isn't even any of your business."
"Well, it kinda is, since I have a good 5 galleons on it. (£50 sterling.) I'll give you two if you tell me."He bribed.
"You shouldn't be betting on peoples' relationships! That's intrusive! There's no way I'd take money from a bet on my friend!" I admonished.
"Whatever. The fact that you deny it so heatedly just makes me think that she is dating him, or at least fancies him."
"She does not." I relied, incensed.
"You can't fob me off with that. It's obvious, from the way that they chat and laugh together that there is chemistry there, and to be honest, what girl wouldn't succumb to James Potter's charms, especially if they were focused on her?"
I was nettled by his chauvinistic view of the female race, in which women succumbed to men's' charms.
"I'm sure there are many women who could resist. Now if you'll excuse me, I want to be getting to my dinner."
He stopped my attempts at passing by planting himself firmly in my way.
"So you admit that they're dating, then?"
"Certainly not!"
"She fancies him, then?"
"In no way whatsoever!"
"And you know this how?"
"Because she doesn't fancy him!"
"That's not a reason. Give me one viable reason and I'll believe you."
"Oh for goodness sake! Because... Because Lily is... Lily is... um... a lesbian!"
I grabbed the first excuse which popped into my head. His mouth dropped open.
I felt a twinge of misgiving, but decided that Lily wouldn't hear about it in any case, and even if she did, she'd be happy to have this idiot off her back.
"Cool." He stated, then moved aside to allow me to pass. I glared at him, and then continued on my way into the Great Hall, sitting down beside my friends, as they laughed over a joke.
After dinner, it was back to the library for more work. I had the fortune to finish early, and so made my way back to the Gryffindor Tower, reaching our dorm first. I had a shower, was in my pyjamas and grabbing a book off the nightstand when the door flew open.
Lily marched in, trailing Katie, Megs and Alice behind her, all their faces set in an angry mask. As soon as her eyes alighted on me, Lily opened her mouth.
"A LESBIAN! A FRICKIN' LESBIAN! HOW DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU SPREAD RUMOURS ABOUT ME!"
I stared, trapped, like a deer caught in the headlights, at my best friend. This behaviour was out of character for her: she was very open-minded, and accepted people's preferences, even if she didn't share them herself.
"Lils, I just said that to that stupid fifth-former to get him off your back about your relationship with James. I didn't think that..."
"NO, YOU DIDN'T. YOU JOLLY WELL DIDN'T. YOU JUST THOUGHT THAT IT WOULD BE AMUSING TO SPREAD RUMOURS ABOUT ME. DON'T GIVE ME THAT EXCUSE, ROSE. IT'S PATHETIC. JUST LIKE YOU!"
"Lily, it was a lie. I don't think you're a lesbian. I thought you'd find it funny..."
"FUNNY? FUNNY? DO YOU SEE ME LAUGHING, LOGAN? DO YOU?"
"No... But I..."
"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. THANKS TO YOU, THE WHOLE SCHOOL THINKS I'M A LESBIAN. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO LOOK AT YOU RIGHT NOW. JUST STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, LOGANBERRY."
She flung herself out of the door. I stared after her in shock.
"Guys?..." I asked to my other friends, who were still standing in the doorway.
"That was badly done, Rose. I can't believe you'd be so harsh to your best friend!" That was Katie.
"But I..."
"We don't want to hear it." Alice, sweet lovely Alice was against me.
She and Katie marched out after Lily.
Megs stood there looking at me, then shook her head, a look of disgust on her face, before following the others, taking all of my remaining hope with her.
Slowly, I sank down on the bed behind me, a numb feeling spreading across my chest. Never in my life had my friends all walked out on me in such a manner. Sure, we had had our fair share of spats and arguments, but at the end of the day we were all friends again.
I pulled the curtains around my bed, pulling my knees up as I sank back on my pillows, in a vain attempt to relieve the pain spreading across my chest. It was a few minutes before the shock dissipated and the tears came. Casting a silencing charm around my bed, I cried for ages, praying that sleep, my only friend left, would not desert me.
The next morning I awoke to find that the dormitory was empty, only the rumpled pyjamas on Katie's bed giving any indication that the others had slept there. I slowly prepared for the day, glad that there would be no uncomfortable scene in the dorm.
It would just happen in the Great Hall. I dragged my feet on the way, unwilling to arrive there, but all too soon I was standing in the doorway, looking at my friends laughing together. I made my way over to them, but on catching sight of them, they turned their backs and ignored me.
Only a slight pause would have betrayed to any onlooker that I had intended to stop and sit with them, and so I carried on, further up the table, finding a large empty space between some first and fourth years.
Feeling self-conscious as I pushed my toast about my plate, I took a book out of my bag and propped it up against a jug of pumpkin juice, ignoring the stares that many other students were fixing on me.
The arrival of the Marauders diverted their interest from me, and mine from my book, as the boys sauntered in laughing and joking with each other. They greeted Lily and my other friends, before continuing on their way down the table, looking for a space.
I quickly diverted my gaze, trying not to be noticed. My attempt was unsuccessful. Before I knew it, the boys were settling themselves around me, James and Sirius on either side, Remus across from me, and Peter and Frank on his left and right side respectively.
"Why are you sitting all on your lonesome this fine morning, Miss Loganberry?" questioned James.
I tucked my hair behind my ear, feeling self-conscious.
"I... um... I had a fight with Lily." I whispered.
"A fight? What about?" asked Remus.
"I accidently stared a rumour about..."
"The lesbian one? I heard about that. What a joke – Lily's dated several of the guys in this school, so it's not like anyone will believe it." Put in Sirius.
"She's really angry about it." I ventured.
"I'm sure it'll be fine. Before long you'll all be chatting again." Said Remus, encouragingly.
"No, it won't. I've had fights with Lily before, but not like this. And the others are all on her side. It happened last night, and she won't even look at me. She didn't even wake me up for breakfast, as she has done for the past six years if I wake up after her."
James was surveying me with a pitying expression.
"Are you alright?" he asked.
"I'm fine." I whispered, choking on the sudden lump in my throat.
I was pulled into a one-armed hug from Sirius beside me, who patted me reassuringly on the back.
"You've got us."
All the boys nodded in agreement.
The lump in my throat got bigger.
"Thanks. But James – Lily's not going to be happy if you take my side. You might ruin your chances with her, all the hard work you've done to improve your relationship with her, that could all go to waste." I murmured.
His face set in a grim line.
"Rose, you're my friend. You've done so much for me already. What kind of guy would I be if I deserted you when you were upset just so I could win favour with Lily? Not anyone I'd want to go out with. I don't agree with her treatment of this: and I'm not going to change who I am just so she likes me. If she can't deal with the fact that I won't stop being friends with you just because she's argued with you, then she's not someone I want for my girlfriend."
At these kind words, my eyes began to well up, and I ducked my head so they wouldn't see me cry. I was miserable and my friends hated me, but I had some amazing friends who had stepped into the breach, even sacrificing their own happiness. The friends who spent the next half an hour of breakfast trying to cheer me up, with jokes and stupid antics, which I couldn't help but smile at, even in my current circumstances.
Read the note at the top!
Thanks very much. EllieBaby xxx