For those of you that were wondering how you pronounce the babies names they are Chianna pronounced Chee-anna and Adira pronounced A-deer-a.
To my fellow DeGrassi Saviors ranting with you was about the only thing that kept my sanity tonight. Next week I may just do Lemons for the whole episode so we're laughing not screaming.
Ch.24 With You in My Arms Nothing Else Matters
(CLARE)
"Morning Clare, Drew," Dana says when we come in the NICU.
I still have to be brought in by wheelchair, they insist on it as long as I'm healing. I have to take short walks around the hallways to avoid blood clots but we have to be careful. I smile at Dana as Drew wheels me between Chianna and Adira's incubators.
"Hi Chianna, hi Adira how are my gorgeous girls this morning?" Drew says putting the breaks down on my wheelchair.
"Would you like to hold them?" Dana asks putting another infant in his incubator.
"Can we?" I question with immense hope in my voice as the thought of holding my daughters and not just reaching through the incubators makes me so happy I can feel my heart swell.
"Yes they're strong enough now for you to hold them for a short time. Here Drew you can sit in this chair and you can take off your shirt to lay her against your skin. Clare you can open your gown a little to put her against your skin. It's good for them to bond with you this way," Dana says.
Drew sits in the chair and takes off his shirt, I open my gown, taking it down a little on one side. Drew sort of grimaces at me when I pull it down enough to show some bra, but I hardly notice as Dana takes Adira from her incubator getting ready to hand her to me.
"Be careful of the CPAP machine and the wires to the monitors, she needs to keep them on and cradle her in one arm," Dana tells me placing Adira in my arms.
The feeling of holding my child is like no other, I feel her skin against mine, skin that was made in my body. She turns into me, her head resting on my breast and a stuttering breath is released from my throat. Gazing down at my daughter's blue grey eyes, she locks her eyes with mine and I smile at her taking her hand as she grips onto my finger.
"Drew she's perfect, she's so amazingly perfect," I say with happy tears in my eyes and look up at Drew just as he takes Chianna. He has to be careful of her oxygen tube but he's smiling down at her with such pride and euphoria. "They're both perfect, we made two perfect little miracles," I say with my voice almost in a whisper as I'm so happy I can barely talk.
"Yes we did, we made two perfect girls," Drew nods with a huge grin on his face.
"Hi my sweet Adira, you are so beautiful and so strong, so are you Chianna beautiful and strong. You're daddy and I love you so much and so do your aunts and uncles and your grandparents. I can't wait to bring you home and there are so many things we'll teach you and show you. You're going to get big and healthy and we'll take you home," I whisper to my girls.
We hold them until Dana says they need to go back in their incubators, she takes Adira from me and puts her in the incubator. As soon as Adira leaves my arms I want her back in them.
"You can come back in a few hours and hold them again but they need to rest and so do you Clare," Dana says as she puts Chianna back in her incubator.
Drew puts his shirt back on, takes my wheelchair and pushes me back to my room then he helps me into bed. After folding my wheelchair Drew joins me in bed and holds me.
"I want them back in my arms Drew; I don't ever want to let them go again. That feeling of holding Adira…there's nothing like it," I remark running my fingers over the cotton of his shirt.
"I know Clare I feel the same way; we'll be able to hold them again in a few hours. Are you hungry?" Drew asks.
"No," I shake my head.
"Clare you need to eat, you've barely eaten at all these last few days," Drew comments.
"I get nutrients from the IV I'm just not that hungry but you need to eat," I tell him.
"Then I guess it's good that we brought breakfast then," Adam smiles coming in with Mom and Dad.
"How do you feel Clare?" Audra questions setting down a tray of coffees.
"I feel amazing, we got to hold Chianna and Adira," I smile.
"You got to hold them? That's awesome," Adam smile.
"Wonderful I'm glad you got to hold them I'm sure that was an immense relief. We spoke to the doctors and you should be released on Saturday Clare so I thought we could have a baby shower at the house on Sunday. I know you don't have too many girlfriends and most of your closest friends are boys so I thought instead of a traditional baby shower we'd invite everyone close to you. Jake, Glen, Omar, Adam, Owen and Fitz have all been over helping get the nursery ready for two babies I made a list of things you'll need and things you might want and a list of people I thought you'd want to invite. You too can look over them and give the final ones tonight so I can contact everyone," Audra says handing us two sheets of paper with typed lists.
"Thank you Audra," I smile.
"How about your wedding? Have you thought about when or where?" Adam questions.
"When Chianna and Adira are home with us, I want them there at the wedding. I don't need anything big nor do I want anything big; the backyard might be too small but a park maybe or beach. Something outdoors might be nice if it's not too hot, something with shade though. We won't need gifts, not while we're living with you and if we're having a baby shower a short time before that people will already be buying us baby stuff," I remark.
"I'll look at some venues, let's see your original due date was September 17th so the following Saturday would be the 25th does that work for you two? That gives Chianna and Adira some time to adjust to being home and maybe we can arrange for your sister to be back for the wedding if she needs to return. If I start getting out save the date cards anyone that isn't local will know if they can make it or not and I can send RSVP's at the same time," Audra comments.
"The 25th works for me," Drew nods.
"Yeah the 25th is good," I smile.
"You look like you need some rest Clare, we'll go see the twins and let you rest. We'll come back tonight call us if you need anything," Omar says.
They all come over to hug me and Drew before leaving and I get comfortable in Drew's arms again since I left them to eat.
"I want to go back and hold the girls," I tell Drew.
"I know but you all need your rest and they've got Grandma, Grandpa and Uncle Adam with them now," Drew says.
"I've been lying in bed for over an hour and that's almost all I've done for days in the hospital and weeks on bed rest. I'm tired of resting, I got to hold my daughter today and touch her sister outside of the incubator. I want to be with my children Drew, I want to go back and hold our daughters," I assert looking in Drew's eyes.
"I know My Jewel, alright why don't we get you out for a walk, and then we'll go see our beautiful daughters so we can hold them again. Maybe we can hold them longer this time, I can't wait until we start kangaroo therapy, just holding Chianna in my arms was an amazing feeling," Drew says grinning ear to ear with so much pride and elation he's practically shining a light of joy from his grin.
I smile and cup his face, kissing his lips softly before I sit up, I get off the bed and Drew follows me, then take my IV pole in one hand and Drew puts his arm around me. Walking is…well uncomfortable, I have stitches on my belly and down there, I have to walk slowly but Drew doesn't mind. We do our usual trip around the hospital wing and return to my room.
"Sit in the wheelchair, I'll get you some water and then we'll go see our girls," Drew tells me. I sit in the wheelchair attaching the IV pole to the side of my chair and Drew hands me my cup of water. I drink some and he pushes me to the NICU, Adam, Audra and Omar are still in there but come out when they see us washing our hands to go in. "How are my girls?" Drew asks when they come out.
"Beautiful, they are my perfect little grandbabies," Audra smiles, "we'll be back at dinner I'll make a big salad with chicken and wild rice."
I thank Audra and kiss my future mother-in-laws cheek. They say goodbye to us again and we go into the NICU, Dana smiles at us as Drew parks my wheelchair between the two incubators.
"Can we hold them again?" I ask her.
"Of course, Drew grab that chair there and Kayla will get Chianna and Adira for you," Dana says and another nurse nods.
Kayla comes over opening Chianna's incubator and I hold my arms out for her. Kayla carefully hands her to me watching the tubes and wires that are attached to her. My breath almost stops when I get her in my arms, her tiny body cradled by one arm. I feel the same amazed gleeful sensation I felt when I had Adira in my arms. How can it be possible to love someone so much, not one but two little tiny beings that Drew and I made and they grew inside me. Drew takes Adira and I glance up at him to see the joy on his face, he's in love, he looks up at me and our eyes lock. Drew is grinning wide like the Cheshire Cat and looks so filled with happy I expect him to float away at any moment. I know I have the same look on my face, that I am just radiating so much happiness it must be filling the room.
It's not as though we aren't still worried about them, they have a long road ahead of them and they won't even be released from the hospital for another 8 weeks. We know that there are a multitude of complications they might have, and they will probably have slow development and possible health problems their entire lives. We know they aren't out of the woods and that there is still a lot that can go wrong and lots of reason to worry but the feeling of holding my babies in my arms completely outshines all of that. I have daughters! Beautiful, miraculous, amazing daughters that I made with my finance and as long as I have one of them in my arms nothing else matters!
(DREW)
I hear the nurse come in for Clare's 6am vitals check and I wake up. It's Saturday morning and Clare will be discharged today, assuming the doctor gives her the go ahead of course. I couldn't wait to get Clare home; I wish we could take Chianna and Adira home with us but they have to stay in the hospital to get bigger and stronger. I hear the nurse leave and decide I desperately need a shower, Clare had one last night and there isn't enough room in the shower for both of us. I move a little so I can get to Clare's lips and place a soft kiss on them which wakes her up.
"Morning My Shining Jewel, I'm gonna shower will you be okay for a few minutes?" I question.
"What time is it?" She yawns nuzzling into me a little more and not opening her eyes.
"6:11 says the clock on the wall," I reply and she groans,
"Go shower, I'll go back to sleep," she yawns.
I kiss her again and gently get her out of my arms before getting out of the bed. Going to our suitcase, which has been taken home, re-packed and brought back to us many times, I pick out some clean clothes and go into the small washroom. Turning on the water I wait for it to get warm before I take off my boxers to get in, relaxing into the hot water, letting it wash over me and, at least in part, wash away some of the stress that's built up, I lean against the wall and just stay under the water for a couple of minutes. When I hear the door to Clare's room open I wash my hair quickly and turn off the water, grabbing one of the thin hospital towels to dry off. I can hear a male voice in with Clare that I believe to be the doctor; I quickly get dressed and open the door to see Clare with her legs up and spread apart and the doctor's head between them. Obviously he's examining her, looking at her stitches I guess to see how they are, most of them have dissolved, she's healing up nicely everywhere and I would know as I like to do my own examination on a daily basis.
"Very good Clare, you healed up very well and there will be minimal scarring. Let's see the C-section suture," Dr. Hotchner says standing up and pulling Clare's gown up a little more while she puts her legs down. She has staples here, it doesn't look pleasant but it's healing, she'll have to come back in about 3 weeks to get the staples out. "Very good Clare that's healing nicely, is it still sore and tender?" He asks her.
"Yeah a little, mostly tender if someone touches it or bumps it," she replies.
"It shouldn't be tender for too much longer, do you remember the aftercare that we discussed yesterday?" Dr. Hotchner questions.
"She needs to keep it clean but letting the shower water run over it should be fine for the most part. She might still have some vaginal bleeding, as long as it's spotting and getting lighter it's simply discharge and no reason to be concerned. Heavier or darker bleeding and I bring her in immediately. She needs to take short walks and light activity to keep from getting blood clots. She can't lift anything heavier than our children which currently weigh a little under three pounds. Nothing too strenuous, no driving and we come back for a follow up to get the staples removed in about 3 weeks," I answer for Clare and she giggles slightly.
"Alright then I know Drew was paying attention. How's your pain level Clare? I can send you home with pain medication and a prescription if you need it," Dr. Hotchner offers.
"For the most part it's okay, manageable at a three or so but sometimes it shoots up to a 7 or 8. Usually if I move wrong or someone brushed against the incision or something," Clare replies.
"Okay I'll send you with a moderate one to take if needed, I'll send you with a few and if you find yourself in more pain and feel like you need a refill come back in so we can discuss it," Dr. Hotchner tells her and Clare nods.
"I understand Audra and Omar are on their way to come get you, if you'd like to go down to the NICU and see Chianna and Adira one more time before you go home. Of course you're welcome at the hospital in the NICU at any time day or night to be with your children," the doc says and we both nod. "Why don't you get dressed and packed then you can go to the NICU and leave straight from there. I'm sure Adam, Audra and Omar can get all your stuff packed up and in the car," the doctor comments.
"Thanks doc," I smile. He makes a couple notes in her chart and then he leaves the room.
"Okay let's get you dressed; I think Adam packed a nice loose dress for you. Just sit up on the bed and I'll get it," I tell her and she sits up. Going to the suit case I find a baby blue dress with flowers, a bra and panties then return to the bed to help Clare take her gown off. "Okay bra first, arms," I instruct and she gives me a look, "what?"
"I can dress myself," she scowls.
"I know that but I like doing it and the less stress on your body the better, now arms," I tell her again in a firmer voice and she sticks out her arms. Before I get her bra on I kiss her breasts because I can't help it and she giggles. "Okay lie down so I can get your panties on," I instruct and she lies down. I help her get her panties on and then slip the dress over her head. She gets off the bed and I find her shoes, I have to get my own shoes and socks on and we quickly pack up our stuff but leave it in the room. "Let's go see our beautiful girls again," I say to Clare offering her my arm.
She takes it and we walk down to the NICU, one of the NICU nurses, her name is Penny we know them all now, starts getting Chianna ready to be held. We get two chairs and sit down between the incubators. Clare opens some buttons on her dress so that she can put our child against her chest. Penny drapes a blanket over Clare's shoulders both for privacy and to help keep the baby warm. I take off my shirt and they give me a blanket too, mostly to keep the baby warm. Penny takes Chianna out of her incubator and I hold my arms out, cradling Chianna in my arm and put the blanket over her. She fits so perfectly nestled in one of my arms; I hold her close feeling her skin against my skin. Chianna squirms slightly until I put my finger out and she grabs onto my finger, gripping it tightly and pulling it to her face.
"Hi baby girl, you're daddy's little girl that's for sure," I smile kissing Chianna's forehead and then look up at my future wife and my other baby girl. "How are my other two gorgeous girls?" I ask Clare and she looks up at me with a shining smile.
"Amazing, we are both amazing! She's getting so strong, her grip is so much better. I love you Adira," Clare smiles down at our little surprise and looks back up at us. "I love you Chianna and I am so in love with your daddy," Clare grins and I grin back at her. I have to be the luckiest man on earth to have this perfect little family of mine.
We stay in the NICU holding our girls and talking to them until the rest of my family, that is my parents and my brother, appear outside the NICU window.
"Goodbye my beautiful girls, we'll see you later, we'll be back tonight. We love you so much, you're both so perfect," I say kissing Chianna's forehead and giving her to Penny to put in the incubator. I stand and kiss Adira's forehead before Penny takes her and puts her in her incubator. Then I take the hands of my incredibly strong and wonderful fiancé, I help her to stand and capture her lips for a loving kiss. "I love you beautiful mama," I tell her and she laughs.
"I love you," she smiles.
One last glance at our daughters and we walk out of the NICU, Mom, Dad and Adam all hug us and Mom says we're ready to go. Clare's been discharged and all our stuff is in the car. An orderly has to wheel Clare out, he takes her to the sidewalk and Dad goes to get the car. Clare and I sit in the very back of the minivan so Clare can stretch out a little, Adam sits in front of me, Mom drives and Dad is in the passenger seat.
"Everyone wants to come over to see you, I told them it was up to you dependent on how you felt. They're all coming over tomorrow for the baby shower so they can wait a day if you're not up to it," Mom tells Clare as she drives to the house.
"Thanks Audra, I feel pretty good right now," she responds.
"Still you should rest when we get home," I whisper to her and she looks back at me and gives me a chaste grateful kiss.
Mom parks at the house and Dad tells me he and Adam will bring in the stuff, I help Clare out of the car and we walk around to the basement. It looks pretty much the same as when we left although Clare and I haven't been here in ten days.
"Before you rest you should see what your father, Adam, Jake and Glen have been doing in the nursery," Mom tells us when we enter through the sliding glass door.
Clare takes my hand and follows my mom through our room to the nursery. Along with the white and yellow paint that was already in the nursery they've painted the door and trim a soft pink. They've put up twice as many shelves and some wooden hooks for hanging clothes or toys, the hooks are 4 feet up the wall so the girls can't reach them. There's a dresser that was built or refurbished and a large toy chest that's built into more shelving for toys. Best of all on opposite walls above where their cribs will go is our children's names, made from carved wooden letters painted pink and purple. One wall says CHIANNA GABRIELLA and on the opposite wall it reads ADIRA JEANETTE. Everything looks perfect and it doesn't even have everything it needs yet, but that should be taken care of tomorrow at the baby shower.
"I love it, everything looks perfect they all did an amazing job," Clare smiles.
"Well of course we don't do anything less than amazing," Adam comments coming up behind us.
"Good job bro thanks," I smile hugging my brother.
We thanks Dad too and Mom says Clare needs to rest so they go upstairs and Clare and I go into our room.
"You want to watch TV?" I ask Clare.
"Can we plan the wedding?" She asks.
"Pretty sure Mom is doing that," I reply.
"Yes but we have decisions to make," she points out.
"Alright Mom said she e-mailed them, let's go to the bed and we'll look at them," I tell her.
We sit on the bed and I grab my laptop from the desk, I turn it on putting the laptop on my lap and Clare leans against me. After a couple of hours of making wedding decisions from the venue, to the flowers, to the food, Adam comes downstairs and knocks on the door. I call to come in and he does sitting on the edge of the bed.
"Mom's making some lunch what are you guys doing?" Adam inquires.
"Wedding planning," I tell him.
"Drew how are we paying for this wedding?" Clare asks as she scrolls through the prices of floral arrangements.
"You guys are keeping it pretty simple, mom and Dad are using their negotiating skills and Dad's parents are paying for most of it," Adam informs her.
"Oh we can't do that to them we don't need any of this, we can get married anywhere, we don't need flowers or any of that. I'll be happy getting married on the football field at DeGrassi," Clare says.
"No we are not getting married at DeGrassi, this is our wedding, it's our celebration after all that we've come through," I assert to her.
"Drew's right Clare, besides my grandparents want to pay for the wedding. They are happy about their great granddaughters and even happier that Drew has you. They came in from Boston to be at the baby shower tomorrow and meet you but Mom's been keeping them well apprised. They've seen pictures of Adira and Chianna, and you of course, Mom's sent them sonograms and weekly e-mails," Adam enlightens her and Clare relaxes a little.
We go upstairs and eat lunch with my parents and brother, telling my mom all the wedding decisions we made and she gets very excited. Clare excuses herself to use the washroom as soon as she's done eating but at least she ate her whole lunch. When I finish and put my dishes in the dishwasher I come downstairs to find Clare looking at her belly in front of the mirror.
"What are you doing? You're not worried about the scar are you?" I ask her.
"No, I was just thinking I should be 31 weeks pregnant today. I'd be 31 weeks and still unaware that we had Adira," she remarks still looking at herself in the mirror and sort of drawing a line with her hand at where her pregnancy bump would have been.
"And instead we have beautiful 10 day old baby girls, strong, miraculous gorgeous daughters," I remind her.
"I know," she smiles, "Can we go back and see them now?"
"Sure, I'll tell Mom and Dad, Adam will probably want to come with us," I comment.
"Good he should come," she grins.
I kiss her and then go upstairs to tell them we're leaving, Adam wants to go and the three of us get ready.
(CLARE)
"Wake up My Jewel, we have a couple dozen people coming for a baby shower in a couple of hours and we need to get ready," Drew says waking me up Sunday morning.
"Mmm I'm up," I groan a little.
I thought I'd sleep great my first night out of the hospital but instead I was very restless. We didn't sleep with Adira and Chianna in the hospital, we weren't in the same room or even on the same floor but still they were close and last night they felt so far away. Drew and I went back at ten and stayed for an hour but I hated letting them go.
"We can get dressed and go say good morning to our girls before we come back for the shower," Drew says.
We both dress quickly, getting ready as fast as we can and jump in Drew's car to drive to the hospital. We park and go in waving to all the staff that we know as we walk back to the NICU. Dana greets us and we sit in two chairs, there's another couple in here holding their baby and they smile at us. It's the smile of someone that knows what we're going through, sad but hopeful, yet happy and full of pride at the same time. Drew holds Adira this morning and I hold Chianna, kissing my beautiful daughter and smiling at Drew holding our other beautiful daughter, two of a kind our little identical miracles. We can't stay for long but enjoy every single second with them, relishing the gift and then we return home. We're already dressed but I fix my hair and put on light makeup, then I go out and sit on the sofa.
"Hey hot mama," Owen grins coming in with Stacey, I laugh and hug him then Stacey and they say hit to Drew.
"Hi Clare you look beautiful," Meghan smiles coming in on Fitz's arm, they hug and greet me and when I let go of them Darcy comes in with Glen and Jake.
As I'm hugging and greeting them more guests spill in and Audra, Omar and Adam come downstairs. Dallas and Bianca come in first; he's been at her place most of the weekend so we could settle in to being home again. Luke and Becky are next then Katie who is followed by Maya, Tris, Cam, Zig and Tori. Spinner, Emma, Dave, Connor and K.C. follow them, a moment later comes Lucas, Evelyn and to my great surprise Mia and Izzy!
"Did you come all the way from Paris for my baby shower?" I smile hugging Mia tightly and then hugging Izzy.
"Of course we did, I'm sorry we couldn't make it out sooner," Mia says and she sits with Lucas, Izzy sitting on her dad's lap.
The gifts are piling up; Audra and Omar are collecting them by the door for us. Peter and Jay come in and then Drew's grandparents, his dad's parents and Audra's parents. I've seen pictures so I know it's them, they greet Drew smiling at him and come over to hug me, welcoming me to the family and thanking me for their beautiful great grandchildren.
We start with brunch, people eat and chat, I enjoy being with all my friends and my family. Grinning when I look around the room at all the many aunts and uncles Chianna and Adira have. After brunch we open gifts, there's a big box from Maya, Cam, Tris, Tori and Zig that's full of baby clothes, everything from socks to onesies and dresses. We thank them, Audra makes a note of who the gift was from and Omar moves the box while Adam hands me another. We get everything we need, two cribs, two bassinets, two swings, two high chairs, a changing table, diaper pail, play pen, baby blankets, toys, 2 baby books and gift cards for the store so we can get things like diapers and formula. My favorite gifts are the baby blankets from Fitz and Meghan that have the girls names embroidered on them and their birthdates. And Soft photo albums put together by Owen and Stacey that contain pictures of pretty much everyone that will be a part of Chianna and Adira's lives. Under everyone's picture they had them write a short message to the girls.
We thank everyone for the gifts at least a dozen times, the wrapping paper and boxes get cleaned up and the grandparents come over to talk about the wedding. Everyone leaves at three, saying goodbye and hugging us, well everyone not directly related to me and Drew anyway. Owen, Stacey, Meghan and Fitz tell us they'll come over in the morning if I'm up for it. While most people start busily talking about the wedding, an event that Darcy is staying around for before she goes back to India, I find that I'm tired but before I sleep or even rest I'm dying to hold my children again.
"Drew," I say quietly looking up at him.
"I know me too come on," he smiles standing up and getting me up with him.
"Are you tired Clare? We can move upstairs," Audra says.
"I'm tired but you guys are fine we're going to see Chianna and Adira, we'll be back in an hour or two," I reply as Drew takes my hand and we leave to go back to the hospital.
I just got out of their yesterday but all I want to do is go back, I can't help it and neither can Drew, holding our daughters is the most amazing gift of all.
Update next Tuesday and there's maybe one or two more chapters in this story guys.