A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 32: Miz Has A Problem

Two hours into the drive, Punk said, "I don't feel well."

"What's the matter?" Miz asked.

"I don't know," Punk said. "Maybe I shouldn't have had those chips. I think they're cursed."

"It's probably because we're eating grease and drinking soft drinks," Christian said. "That's not good for you."

"I'm a hamster," Mark said sleepily.

Miz frowned at Mark, then turned to look at Christian. "Maybe we ought to stop somewhere and get some real food?"

"I see a McDonald's up ahead," Punk said.

Miz said, "I said real food."

"Ha ha," Punk muttered. "I don't like it, either, but I'm a little scared to take these guys in anywhere, and our only other choice is IHOP."

"We've got to try," Miz said with a sigh. "Everyone promise me they'll behave if we go into IHOP?"

"I always behave," Punk said. "It's Orton you have to worry about."

"I'm not going to bite anyone in IHOP," Randy said. "They have pancakes, which are much more interesting to bite."

"Yet you tried to bite the waiter at Denny's," Miz pointed out.

"That was Denny's," Randy said. "Not IHOP."

"Fine," Miz said. "Punk, pull into IHOP."

Punk pulled into the parking lot and parked the SUV across two spaces. "What?" he asked Miz. "I don't want it to get dented!"

"People who park like that are such jerks."

"I'm not a jerk. I'm…"

"Jesus," Miz sighed. "Yeah, we get it."

"I was going to say 'careful'," Punk said, "but Jesus works too. Come on, Jeff, time to wake up."

"Where's Betsy?" Miz asked.

"Cup holder," Punk said. "Jeff! Wake up!"

"I'm not Jeff," Matt said. "I'm Matthew."

"Oh, good," Randy said. "I like Matthew."

Miz groaned. "No fighting in IHOP, remember?"

"I'm not going to fight," Randy said. "I'll let Matthew do it for me."

"I'm no one's puppet," Matthew said, shooting a dark look at Randy.

"Oh, of course not," Randy said with a smile.

"Uh oh," Miz said to Punk. "Orton's smiling. That never leads to anything good."

"Maybe he's happy he's getting pancakes?" Punk said, pushing through the door to IHOP.

"Welcome to IHOP!" the hostess said. "How many?"

"Um," Punk said. "Seven. Unless you're counting multiple personalities. Then it's nine."

The hostess blinked. "Will the multiple personalities need seats?"

"No?" Punk said, glancing at Miz for confirmation. Miz shrugged. "I think they're okay without them. But can we have a table? Booths tend to be… too small."

"Sure," she said, leading them into the dining room. "Is this okay?"

"It's fine, thanks," Miz said. He turned to the others. "Uh, do you want to sit between Matthew and Orton, Punk?"

"No way!" Punk said. "I'd get bit for sure! Make Mark sit between them."

"Good idea. Mark, why don't you sit on the end, and they can sit on either side of you?"

"Okay," Mark said, settling in his seat. "I'm an endcap!"

"Yes, yes you are," Miz said. He sat next to Randy, leaving Punk to sit beside Matthew. JJ sat at the other end, with Christian between him and Miz.

"Here are your menus," said the hostess. "Would you like anything to drink?"

"Do you have Pepsi?" Punk asked hopefully.

"We'd better stick with water," Miz said. "I think you've had too much Pepsi already."

Punk sighed. "Water it is. Although if Orton and Matthew start fighting and blood is involved, I may need someone to find me some Pepsi."

"It won't be necessary," Miz said hastily. "Just water for all of us, thanks."

"Your waitress will be with you shortly," said the hostess, eyeing them.

Miz sighed. "Are you trying to get us kicked out before we've even ordered, Punk? What is wrong with you?" Punk shrugged.

JJ looked up from his menu. "Any idea what you want, Rey?"

"Pancakes?" Christian said. "Or maybe a waffle. They do waffles, right?"

"Yep, they do waffles," JJ confirmed.

"I'd like pancakes," Randy said, staring at the menu, his brow furrowed. "And bacon. And… um. What are you having, Matthew?"

Matt pushed the menu away. "Revenge."

"Well, that sounds good, too," Randy said. "But I meant to eat."

"Oh. Waffles."

Randy nodded. "That's awesome."

Miz frowned at Randy and Matthew, then looked down at his own menu. "Um, guys? I can't read this."

"What do you mean?" Punk asked. "It looks fine to me."

"It looks… squiggly," Miz said with a frown. "That's so weird. It's like the words are moving on the menu."

"Are they talking to you?" Randy asked. "Because maybe you're hearing voices, but in print."

Miz shook his head. "Just get me whatever you're having, Punk," he said finally, closing his eyes.

"I'm probably having fruit," Punk said.

"Freak," Miz muttered. "Okay, I'll have what Orton's having. That sounds good."

"You can't have it," Randy said. "It's mine!"

Miz sighed. "Someone order me pancakes, okay? Just pancakes. Nice and simple and not squiggly!" He raised his voice on the last word, causing the rest of the superstars to look at him.

"What's wrong, Undertaker?" JJ asked.

"I don't know," Miz said. "I just feel really weird. And this squiggly menu thing is really bothering me."

"Welcome to my world," Christian muttered.

"It's a dark and gloomy world," Matthew said. "Full of dangerous people like me."

"I'm dangerous, too!" Randy said, pouting.

"Me too!" Mark said brightly.

"Guys, this is serious," Miz said. "I don't like this."

"And welcome to my world, too," Punk muttered. "Now you know how I feel every single day. At least no one's asking you to turn water into Pepsi." He glared at his water glass when the waitress set it down before him. "Stupid water, not being Pepsi."

"Are you ready to order, or do you need a minute?" the waitress asked.

"I think I'm going blind," Miz said. "Do you have anything for that?"