/

Chapter 6

Gibbs drove back to Portland and turned in the rental car. He wasn't able to get a flight back to D.C. that night, so he got a room at a hotel near the airport. He spent the night flipping through channels on the TV, finally turning it off because he wasn't really interested anyway. He tried to sleep, but tossed and turned, reliving every moment of his ten years with Tony…the ups and downs, the good and the bad. And reliving every moment of that night, over and over again.

When he finally got on his flight the next morning, he was bleary-eyed from lack of sleep and exhausted from a bone-deep sense of sadness and loss. On Monday morning, after another sleepless night, he did something he hadn't done in years…he called in sick.

Oh, he knew he'd get visitors. Most likely Ducky and Abby. But staring at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, he knew his appearance would fool them both into thinking he was ill, rather than the sickness of heart he was feeling. At least he hoped so. He knew if he told them the truth, that they would both be glad to hear that Tony was alive. But Abby, at least, would be unable to honor Tony's wishes to cut off contact. Gibbs knew she would dig and dig, would find out that Gibbs had flown out to Oregon and rented a car. With her skills, she'd GPS the rental car and find out that Gibbs had gone to Eureka and back. And she would be on the first flight out. So he had to keep her from suspecting that he had done anything different this weekend.

Gibbs didn't have long to wait. Just after 9 AM, a frantic knock came on his front door. The door opened and he heard Abby's voice.

"Gibbs, are you here? Are you okay?"

"In here, Abs," he called from the couch.

Abby and Ducky came into the living room and were shocked at Gibbs' appearance. "Oh, Gibbs." Abby rushed to his side. "You look awful. What can I do?"

"Abigail, let me look at him," Ducky said. He moved over to the couch and sat down next to Gibbs. He checked Gibbs' blood pressure and temperature. He looked closely at his oldest friend and could see the exhaustion in his face. "How are you feeling, Jethro? What symptoms have you been having?"

Gibbs stuck as close to the truth as he could. "Aches and pains, Duck. Nausea, headache, unable to sleep."

"How long has it been since you've had anything to eat that has stayed down?"

"Saturday afternoon. I've been sick to my stomach. Haven't even felt like coffee. Been able to keep a little water down."

Ducky finished his examination. "I believe you have a touch of flu, Jethro, probably brought on by stress and exhaustion. You need to get fluids down and get some sleep. I can prescribe some anti-nausea medication and a sleep aid, if you would like." Ducky knew Gibbs didn't usually like taking medicine, but offered it anyway.

Jethro shook his head. "You know I don't like meds, Ducky. I'll just try and ride this out. But thanks."

"I think you should take a few more days off, Jethro. Give yourself time to get completely over this. If you like, I could talk to Director Vance when I return to work and let him know." Jethro agreed that it was a good idea.

Ducky and Abby prepared to leave, although Abby clearly wasn't happy about it. "But, Gibbs, I can stay and take care of you. I can make you some soup and keep you company."

"Abby, I'm going to try and get some sleep, like Ducky suggested. Really, I'm okay. But thanks."

Abby and Ducky left and Gibbs breathed a sigh of relief. But he soon frowned as he went over Abby's behavior. She'd been worried and helpful with him. But he couldn't remember her being that way when Tony had been ill after the plague. Oh, she'd gone to visit Tony, but didn't offer to stay and keep him company or make him soup. And Ducky. Ducky would offer him medicine but would accept if Gibbs said no. But he remembered more than one occasion where Ducky would lecture and badger Tony until Tony gave in and did whatever Ducky wanted. And it often seemed to have an air of exasperation and annoyance.

Gibbs remembered and re-lived a lot of moments and finally came to a realization. Tony was right. None of them, Gibbs included, had ever been the true friend to the young man that Tony had been to all of them. Even with the pranks, jokes and other behaviors, when push came to shove, Tony was a true-blue friend.

He was the one who helped McGee when the younger agent had shot that cop. He helped Ducky with his sick mother. He was the one who set up the operation to avenge Ziva when they thought she had died. But he never got the same back…from any of them.

And Gibbs realized that maybe leaving Tony… no, leaving Mark to live his life in peace, was the only way to show him the friendship that he and the others never had before. It didn't completely take away the sadness and guilt that Gibbs knew he would never truly be rid of, but it would give Tony the peace that he needed. And at this point, it was all he could do.

/

Epilogue

2 months later, NCIS Autopsy

The doors opened and Gibbs walked through. "Ducky."

"Ah, Jethro. You are here rather late."

"Had some paperwork to finish up. Palmer here?"

Ducky was confused. "No, he went home to Breena. Did you need him for something?"

"No, actually. I just wanted to make sure we were alone. I wanted to talk without being interrupted or overheard."

"This sounds serious, Jethro."

"It is. I wanted you to be the first to know. I turned in my retirement papers to Vance earlier today. At the end of the month, I'll be leaving NCIS."

Ducky looked at his friend. He knew the last year had been tough for Jethro, with the whole upheaval around Tony's departure. "I know this last year has been difficult, Jethro. And you certainly deserve to enjoy your retirement. I just hope you are not making this decision lightly."

"No, not lightly, Duck. I've been thinking about it for quite a while, actually. It's just that after the whole disaster with Tony, I've realized that I'm not the leader I need to be anymore." Gibbs started pacing the room. "I took a minor incident and turned it into a huge thing for no reason other than my own embarrassment. Tony was worried when no one could get ahold of me that night. I could hear it in all the messages he left on my phone. And he barged into a house that he was used to barging into. And because I got pissed, I used the most effective weapon against him. A weapon I knew would work because I knew him."

Gibbs stopped pacing and leaned against Ducky's desk. When he raised his eyes, Ducky was taken back at the heart-wrenching expression on Jethro's face. "God, Ducky. I betrayed the trust and loyalty of one of the best men I have ever known or worked with. Over a minor embarrassing moment. And then to make matters worse, I wouldn't bend enough to apologize to someone who deserved it. A man that had been by my side and covering my back for ten years! I just proved myself to be unworthy of leading anyone. And I've been second-guessing myself ever since. It's time to step down, before I get someone killed…let the younger agents take over."

Ducky wished he could put Jethro's mind at ease, but truthfully, he too felt that Jethro had overreacted to Tony's actions that night. And his continued refusal to admit his mistake to the one man that needed that admission only compounded the issue. "So you are sure about this, Jethro?"

"Yeah, Ducky. I'm positive."

"Do you plan to tell everyone before you go?"

"I'm not sure, Ducky. What do you think?"

"Considering how Anthony left with no notice, I believe it might be prudent of you to let the others know as soon as possible."

Gibbs just nodded. He certainly didn't want to cause any more pain to his team or Abby. He just wanted away from NCIS and everything that reminded him of Tony DiNozzo...and his own failures.

"I just don't want anyone to make a fuss. I've already told Vance that I don't want any kind of party or anything here. I just want to leave as quietly as possibly. I thought, maybe the weekend after my last day, we could have the team over to my place for a small get together."

"When will you tell the others then?" Ducky said, knowing that Abby would certainly want to make a big deal of Gibbs' departure. He vowed to himself to speak to her about keeping things low key.

"Tomorrow's Friday," Gibbs commented, thinking about the best way to handle this announcement. "I'll see if they can all come over after work. I want to do this out of the office."

"I think that's best. Abigail will certainly not take the news well."

Gibbs smiled. "At least I won't be taking off to Mexico this time," he replied.

"So, you will be staying in the area then?"

"For now, yes. I want to spend some time with my Dad in Stillwater. After that…" he shrugged.

Ducky moved over next to his long-time friend and placed a hand on his shoulder. "I know that you have been doing a great deal of soul-searching, my friend. I am sorry that you haven't been able to reconcile with Anthony."

Jethro looked at the floor, not even trying to push away the feelings of failure any more. He deserved that burden. He embraced it.

He hoped that Tony was happy in Eureka. He seemed to have people who would have his back. At the very least, Sheriff Carter seemed willing to watch out for their newest resident. For that, Gibbs was grateful. He was saddened that Tony's talent wouldn't be used in law enforcement any longer. But he also understood. Tony's trust in people had been shattered, because of him.

He sighed. "I don't blame him, Ducky. We…I…broke his trust."

"You were right the first time, Jethro. We broke his trust. We all should have spoken to him, assured him that we would support him. We all failed in that regard."

Gibbs smiled. "Thanks, Ducky. You're wrong, but thanks for trying. I wish I'd been as good a friend to Tony as you've always been to me."

"Jethro, you need to put this behind you. You can't keep dwelling on what might have been. Anthony made his decision and we need to honor that and go on with our lives, as he has."

"I know, Ducky. I just…I keep thinking…how one night, one stupid night…if I'd just kept my mouth shut, been the 'functional mute' that Tony once called me. But then, I know that night was just the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back."

"We will get through, Jethro. All of us, together."

"I should go. You'll be there tomorrow?"

"Of course. I fear it will not be an easy night, for anyone."

"I fear you're right, Dr. Mallard." He pulled Ducky into a hug. "Thanks, Duck. I don't deserve a friend like you," he whispered, before quickly releasing the older man and hurrying out the door.

Ducky watched him go, feeling a deep sadness that DiNozzo's departure had been so hard on Gibbs. He wanted to be angry with Anthony, but knew that the anger would be misdirected. As he'd told Gibbs, they were all at fault for what happened with Anthony. And they would all have to live with that guilt.

He wearily walked over to the coatrack, pulled his overcoat on. He slipped his hat on, then ran his hand against the light switch. He slowly walked out the door, knowing that Jethro wasn't the only one who had regrets.

/

The next night, the team gathered at Gibbs' house. Vance had also been invited to join them. Abby was fidgeting, knowing that something big was going on. She hoped it was news about Tony.

Once everyone had found a place to sit and gotten comfortable, Gibbs leaned forward from his own seat. "I guess you all are wondering why you're here."

"Did you find Tony!?" Abby asked, unable to wait. "Is he coming back!?"

Gibbs looked around at the other faces around him, each of them anticipating good news. He was about to disappoint them. "Abby, Tony isn't coming back. It's been months now. If he was coming back, he'd be here by now. That's not why I asked you here."

"But, Gibbs, we have to find him! He has to tell us why he left. He never even said goodbye," she wailed.

"Abby, we drove him away. It's no wonder he didn't say goodbye. I said some horrible things to him and my actions after that just reinforced my words." He looked around at the others. "None of us treated him well. We either ignored him or lectured him or flat out told him he wasn't good enough for us. We're all at fault here."

"What did we do?!" McGee asked indignantly.

"Really, McGee?" Ziva asked smugly. "Always bringing up your degrees and telling everyone how much smarter you are than him."

"Well, what about you!" McGee answered. "Miss-I-can-kill-you-with-a-paper-clip. Thinking Mossad was so much better at everything!"

Ziva stood up. "Should I demonstrate, McGee?"

"SIT DOWN!" Gibbs roared. In shock, she dropped back down in her seat. "Enough! You're both right! Neither of you ever respected DiNozzo. And that's my fault. I felt a little competition would be good to keep you all on your toes. But Tony was the Senior Field Agent on the team, and neither of you ever gave him the respect that title deserved. He wasn't there just because he'd been with NCIS the longest. He was SFA because he was good!"

Gibbs shook his head. "And if I'd told him that while he was still here, he might not have left!"

Jethro leaned back and ran his fingers thru his hair, staring at the ceiling. "We all screwed up. Well, except maybe Palmer," he said with a smile at Ducky's young assistant. "Tony was our friend. But we weren't very good friends back to him." He looked around the room before continuing.

"The Director thought he was a screw-up, only judging him on his actions in the bullpen, not looking at the results he got. Jenny Shepard only used him for her own personal vendetta. I treated him like garbage, even though I knew how good he was at his job. I never told him how I felt. I told his father once that Tony was the best agent I'd ever worked with. I still believe that. But did I ever tell DiNozzo?! No, I didn't. And I should have."

"He was my friend, Gibbs," Abby interjected.

"Really? So, all those times he wanted to take you to see one of his classic movies, you jumped at the chance?" he asked, knowing that wasn't the case. Abby's taste ran more toward horror movies and he knew that she wouldn't sit through one of Tony's favorite movies. When she bit her bottom lip rather than answer, he continued. "Yet Tony would always go to one of your clubs with you, even though he hated your music."

When she still didn't reply, Gibbs turned his gaze elsewhere. "You weren't the only one, Abby. I allowed Ziva and McGee to put him down and disrespect him at work, when I should have been showing them how much I valued his input. And because I didn't make it clear, they took that as permission to take every opportunity to put him down, to disregard the chain of command. And often to dismiss Tony's contribution to the team and to solving our cases."

He noticed the tears flowing down Abby's face, but he couldn't bring himself to try to comfort her, not while knowing that everyone in that room had made Tony's decision to leave that much easier by not supporting him.

Then he shook his head. "It's all water under the bridge. Tony's gone and there is nothing we can do about it now. He's made it clear that he's not coming back and he wants nothing to do with any of us. That's not why I asked you to come here tonight."

"If this is not about Tony, why are we here, Gibbs?" Ziva asked, getting things back on track.

Jethro looked around the room. Abby had buried her face in McGee shoulder, Tim holding her close. Vance sat across from him, stoic as usual.

"This is not easy for me, especially after the last few months. I've put in my papers."

"NO!" Abby screamed, lifting her head up from McGee's shoulder. "You can't! Gibbs, no, please. We already lost Tony. Please, you can't leave too!"

"I have to, Abby. I just can't do it anymore."

"It is because of Tony, yes?" Ziva asked. "Because we have not been able to find him?"

When Jethro didn't respond right away, the others got nervous. He cleared his throat several times, and took several sips from the cup of coffee he had in his hand.

"You know where he is? Where is he?" Abby jumped up and began pacing around the room. "Did Timmy find him? Why didn't you tell me, McGee?" She punched the computer tech in the arm. "We have to go to him! We have to…"

"Abby, stop."

"No, Gibbs! We have to go….YOU have to go! Apologize! Beg him to come back! We need him! Especially now that you're leaving! Who else is going to take over the team?!"

"Abby!" She stopped and looked at him, but when she saw the look on his face, she began to shake her head. "No! No! Gibbs, please," she pleaded, as she sank back down on the sofa beside McGee.

"McGee didn't find him. Actually, I'm not surprised. Tony knows how we work, he knows what we'd be looking for. I should have known better than to think we'd be able to find him. However, I have been in contact with Tony, but I don't know where he is," Gibbs lied, not wanting to give any of them reason to research his own movements in order to find DiNozzo. "Tony…Tony doesn't want any contact with any of us. He's made a clean break…and we have burned that bridge behind him. We have to honor his wishes to be left alone," Gibbs told them. "I don't like it. But it's what he wants. I screwed up badly with him. The way I treated him was unforgivable. And he's not forgiving me. He's not forgiving any of us."

"Everything's changing," Abby lamented. "You know I don't like change." She was pouting and everyone knew it.

"This isn't about you, Abigail!" Gibbs said, angry that none of them were seeing what they'd done. "Look, it is what it is. Tony isn't coming back. He's doing well where he is. I promised him that we would leave him alone. I plan to keep that promise. I won't betray him again. And I won't let any of you betray him either. You, all of you," he said, making a point to look at Abby, "will stop looking for him. Is that clear?"

When no one answered, he asked again. "Is. That. Clear?"

It was a full minute before anyone said anything. And no one was surprised when it was Ducky who broke the silence. "We understand, Jethro," he said, as he looked at the others. "Don't we, Abigail? Timothy?"

When Abby looked like she was going to argue, Vance spoke up. "I'll make that an order, if I have to. In fact, you all can consider an order from me. Tony DiNozzo resigned. He has decided that he no longer wants contact with any of us. That is his right. You will honor his choice. If I find that any of you have disregarded his wishes, I will terminate your employment with NCIS."

"And what if he's needed for court? Is some criminal going to go free because Tony doesn't want contact?" Abby was grasping at any straw to get what she wanted.

The director frowned. "And do you believe, Miss Scuito, that as NCIS Director, I didn't already think of these repercussions when DiNozzo first tendered his resignation? I went to see our legal department that first day. They assured me that Agent DiNozzo, as he always did, made sure that all bases were covered for court cases. As the outstanding agent he was, he knew that at any time, he could be hurt, killed, or involved in an undercover operation that could make it impossible for him to testify in court. He and legal had everything worked out in that regard."

The room was silent except for sniffles from Abby. Gibbs finished his coffee and set the cup down on the table beside his chair. He needed to move this along and get them off the subject of Tony DiNozzo.

"So, I will be leaving at the end of the month. Rick Balboa will be taking over the MCRT. His SFA, Stacy McMillan, will be moving over with him. His two junior agents are moving to Agent Afloat assignments." He turned to McGee and Ziva. "You both have options here. You can stay with the MCRT in the same capacity you are now. Or you can transfer to other teams, take the opportunity to work in other capacities."

Vance took over. "If either of you feel like you would like a change from the MCRT or from D.C., we have openings in other parts of the country or internationally. Think it over and let me know." They both nodded, still a bit shell shocked by Gibbs' announcement.

"More change," Abby muttered.

Gibbs sighed, exasperated and weary. "Yes, Abby, change. We all have to deal with it."

"What will you do now, Gibbs?" Ziva asked.

"I'm gonna spend some time with my father. After that…I plan to do some sailing."

She smiled. "On a boat you built?"

He shook his head. "No, one I purchased. I've never kept any of those I've built."

"I can't believe you're leaving us," Abby said.

"I'm not leaving town permanently, Abby. But I need to get away for a while."

"Will you stay in touch?" she asked, hopeful.

"No guarantees, Abs. You know I'm not good at that. And while I'm at sea, it won't be possible. I'll try to send a postcard once in a while, but…." He shrugged. They all knew he wasn't great at communicating.

Abby slumped down, dejected. McGee pulled her close. For the longest time, no one said a word. Then Vance stood up.

"Gibbs, I'll see you Monday. We'll iron out the details then."

Jethro nodded and walked the Director to the door. "Leon…thanks for making sure they stopped looking for Tony."

"We owe him, Gibbs. I was sorry to lose him." When all Gibbs did was raise an eyebrow, Vance laughed. "Yeah, I know, I always said I didn't like his kind of agent. I was wrong. Agents like you and DiNozzo, they still have a place at NCIS."

"Now ya tell me!"

"Stay in touch. I'd like the opportunity to pull you in as a consultant on tough cases."

"We'll see," Gibbs said, reaching out to shake Vance's hand. "See ya, Monday."

The others all left shortly after that, Abby hugging him for a long time before Tim managed to pull her away, much to Gibbs' relief. He closed and locked the door behind them, then went around turning out lights. Setting the coffeemaker for his usual early morning time, he trudged upstairs.

He took a shower and dressed for bed. As he closed the drawer, his glanced at the photo on top of the dresser. It was an old team photo, taken not long before Kate was killed. McGee had only recently joined the team. Abby, Ducky and Palmer were also in the photo, which was taken at an NCIS barbeque. He picked up the frame and walked over to his bed and sat down. He couldn't take his eyes off of Tony, standing beside him in the photo and laughing at something. It was like a knife to his heart that he'd had a hand in destroying the happy-go-lucky guy in the photo. He closed his eyes briefly, then set the photo down on his nightstand. Reaching up to turn off the lamp, he slipped under the covers.

In the dark, he sent out a plea. "Have a good life, Tony. Be happy."

THE END

A/N: We are not planning any type of sequel to this story. We felt that in this situation Tony would want to make a clean break and severe all contact. However, if anyone else feels like doing an alternate ending, we would welcome the chance to read it. What would happen if Gibbs and Tony met up five or ten years down the line? What would Tony do if he found out somehow about Jackson Gibbs' death? Just please note where you got the idea and be sure to send us a note with the link so we can read it !