A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.
The Mizard Of Odd
Chapter 35: Miz Breaks Up A Fight
Miz fell asleep against the window, with Matt in the middle seat and Randy on the side closest to the door. When he woke, hours later, Punk was on the other side of Matt, asleep. He wasn't sure at first what had dragged him from sleep. Maybe it was the fact that it was so dark, or the sounds of cursing coming from somewhere nearby, or maybe it was that they were no longer moving. "Punk?" Miz said, reaching across an unconscious Matt to shake Punk's shoulder. "Punk, wake up."
"What day is it?" Punk asked sleepily.
Miz stopped for a moment to consider the question before realizing that it wasn't relevant. "I don't know. Why are you back here, and why are we stopped?"
Punk stretched. "I'm trying to sleep," he said.
"That's great," Miz said. "But if you're sleeping, then who's driving?"
"Orton," Punk said around a yawn. "Now let me sleep."
"Orton?" Miz said, sitting up. "You let Orton drive?"
"Relax," Punk said, "he's been calm all day."
Miz caught the sounds of screaming and pushed Punk hard. "Does that sound like he's calm?" he asked.
Punk sighed. "You're not going to let me sleep, are you?"
From the front, JJ said, "Uh, Hornswoggle? I think Beth is losing it."
Miz sat up and squinted at the shadowy JJ in the front. He could see the SUV's headlights, shining on an expanse of trees. "Where are we?"
"I don't know," JJ said. "But maybe you and Hornswoggle ought to go see what Beth's doing? He seems to be pounding the hell out of something out there."
Punk said, "Fine! I'm going! Geez. Guy can't even get any sleep…" He slipped past Christian, who sat up and said, "What's going on?"
"No idea," Miz said, pushing past Matt, who groaned and fell onto the seat, taking up the entire back while Miz and Punk slid out of the vehicle. The first thing Miz noticed once they were out was that he could see everything clearly. "Hey, my eyesight's back!" he said.
"Congratulations," Punk grumbled. "Does this mean I can go back to bed?"
"No," Miz said, frowning as Randy let out a roar. The two looked at one another. "That doesn't sound good."
Punk and Miz took off running toward the sound of the disturbance. "Left!" Randy shrieked. "Left! Always left!" There was a crunch, and then the two of them cleared the SUV and took in the sight before them. Orton was stomping and screaming, "Left! Left!" Pieces of glass and plastic littered the ground.
"What is he doing?" Punk asked. "Oh my dad. Orton! That had better not be what I think it is!"
"It said left!" Randy yelled at Punk.
"Uh," Miz said, "I'm lost."
"No kidding," Punk said, storming up to Randy so he could get in the Viper's face. "Probably because Orton just destroyed the GPS!"
"He what?" Miz asked.
"You idiot!" Punk yelled at Randy.
The Viper gave the destroyed unit one more savage kick, then turned to Punk, suddenly calm. "It said left to the freeway. Does this look like a freeway to you?"
"Um, Punk," Miz said, as Punk shoved Randy. "You might not want to…" That was as far as he got before the Viper RKO'd Punk. "Never mind."
Randy stared down at Punk, who was laying on the ground. "Hey, do you think the blood of Jesus would make the voices stop?" Randy asked.
"What?" Miz said.
Randy pointed down at Punk. "He's bleeding. Should we catch it and drink it like they do in the bible?"
Miz said, "Randy, I think you're thinking of a different book. The bible doesn't have blood drinking in it. That sounds more like a vampire novel to me."
Randy looked up at him. "Are you sure? Because isn't there that whole, 'drink of my blood' thing in church with the wine?"
"Pepsi!" Punk screamed, lunging at the Viper's feet suddenly, catching Randy off guard and knocking him to the ground. "It's supposed to be Pepsi, damn it!"
Miz backed up a step, staring is disbelief at Punk and Randy as Punk started beating on the Viper. "Uh, guys?"
"It's holy freaking Pepsi!" Punk screamed in Randy's face. "Not wine!"
Randy stared up at Punk. "Okay," he said finally. "It's Pepsi. But that didn't answer my question about whether or not your blood would make the voices go away."
Punk sat back. "No." He touched his head and winced. "I think I'm going to need stitches. This feels pretty bad."
"Guys," Miz said again. "That was…" He shook his head. "What the hell was that?"
"What?" Punk asked, frowning. He was still touching the wound in his scalp. "How bad is it?" he asked Randy.
The Viper said, "It looks terrible."
"What's happening to us?" Miz asked. "I've never seen you violent like that, Punk."
Punk turned to Miz. "And the rest of you have been weird all day. I thought maybe it was the medication leaving your systems, but that doesn't account for my behavior."
"That makes sense," Miz said. "Medication leaving our systems could make you violent, right?"
"Except I'm straightedge, Miz, and I don't take any medications."
Miz frowned. "Of course you take medications."
"What part of straightedge don't you understand?" Punk asked. "No drugs, period."
"Uh, but Punk, you've been in an institution for a year. Of course you were taking whatever they were giving you. We all were."
"No," Punk said. "I wasn't."
Miz and Randy exchanged a look. "He's delusional," Randy muttered.
"I am not!" Punk growled, causing Randy to back up quickly, hands up to ward him off. "I wasn't taking medication, okay?"
"But I saw you take them every night," Miz said.
Punk sighed. "No, you didn't, Miz. You only thought I took them. For the last year, I've been pretending to take their medicine and flushing it instead."
"If that's true, then how is it that you never got caught?" Miz demanded.
"I'm Jesus," Punk said, shrugging.
"That's not an answer," Miz said.
Punk sighed. "When I was younger, I saw this magician once who made a quarter disappear. I asked him how he did it, and he told me a magician never reveals his secrets. It took me several months to work out how he'd done it, but once I did…" He smirked. "Let's just say that I've gotten even better at it than that magician ever was and leave it at that."