38. Not a particularly special number. Chapter 38 - not a particularly special chapter?

"Kisses that are easily obtained
Are easily forgotten."
English Proverb

(A/N: - Kisses that are difficult to obtain

Are difficult to forget.)

I was wrong in my thinking that I would have three Sirius Black free weeks. Several letters arrived, none of which I opened. I had read many books in which people returned unopened letters to the senders who had angered them, but never understood how someone could receive a letter and not open it. I loved getting letters. However, my views were soon changed as I received my first letter from Sirius Black on the evening that I arrived home from school. The same day that events had taken place.

I knew it was from him, although there was no indication on the envelope. If I hadn't recognised his black owl, Pantheon, I would have known his elegant, loopy handwriting anywhere. The number of times I had watched as his quill glided over parchment, crafting the elegant letters with little effort. However, I was still much too angry to even want to listen to what he had to say, and so I chucked the letter on my desk, threw his owl a treat (I didn't believe in shooting the messenger, and it wasn't the owl's fault) before settling into my bed.

It was a long time before I got to sleep that night, my mind replaying the scene like a broken record. Sirius' eyes, flickering with anger and something else... eyes that had flashed with so strong an emotion that it was almost tangible, an emotion like... pain? Hastily, I banished these thoughts and turned over to my other side, and only after several hours of tossing and turning did I settle into a fretful sleep.

The next morning, my anger had somewhat diminished, but upon seeing the letter, I snatched my owl out of her cage, attached the letter, and flung her out of the window almost before I had time to know what I was doing. I knew what Sirius would say. I didn't want to hear it. When a new letter (I could tell as this one did not bear the crumple marks of the other) arrived the same evening, I almost immediately sent my owl back with the letter.

By the next morning, all of my anger had gone, leaving me with the pain of rejection. I felt hollow, and not even the arrival of my kooky aunt and her five year old daughter could quite pull my out of the dumps, although I managed to smile.

However, not even the thought of Sirius Black was going to ruin my Christmas, and so with a gentle forgetful charm I managed to not spend every waking minute obsessing. I was like a child at Christmas: I loved every single part. The excitement of Christmas Eve, hanging my stocking on the end of my bed, waking up repeatedly in the night from excitement and feeling my stocking to see what I had got, waking my parents up at half six in the morning, going to the Christmas church service, seeing my relatives, and eating copious amounts of food.

However, the post-Christmas blues hit me very hard that year, when the house emptied, the tree was taken down, and my brothers got over the novelty of having me at home and went out with their friends. Then, I had nothing to distract me. I threw myself into my holiday work with a vengeance, even going so far as to start revision. I was dreading going back to school and seeing Sirius again. I was now at a stage when even thinking about him made my eyes tear up.

I couldn't understand it. I couldn't reconcile the Sirius I had come to know, a person who was funny, who was kind, who had a slightly convoluted moral code, but a moral code which he stuck to. How could that Sirius ever think a girl wasn't good enough for him? And if Titia Bens wasn't good enough for him, then few girls were. She was clever, pretty, wealthy, and came from a very good family. I knew that Sirius could more than match her in all of those categories, but even so, by his standards, that meant that only about 5 girls in the world were worthy of him. Certainly not shy, idiotic Rose Logan, who was worse than a Muggle-born: she was an orphan with no idea who her parents were. In pureblood eyes, if a Muggle-born was mongrel, a parent-less orphan didn't even merit the title of a dog.

It hurt. More than any years of pining for him had, more than seeing him with any beautiful woman. He had simultaneously fallen off the pedestal that I had placed him on, which I thought he had so deserved, and hurt me in the process. I wasn't worthy of him, and never would be. This gave me the strength to return his presents and letters unopened.

It was with a heavy heart that I packed my suitcase on the sixth of January. School started on Wednesday the 8th, but the train departed from King's Cross on the day before, on Tuesday the 7th of January. My 18th birthday was on the Sunday, but even this could not cheer me up.

I woke up late, planning on getting to the train at the last minute, to avoid meeting him on the platform. Unfortunately, although I had left the house half an hour later than I usually did, I had not reckoned upon the empty roads, and my Dad's zeal in his car. I arrived at King's Cross at quarter to eleven, hugged my parents goodbye, and was at the barrier between platform 9 and 10 by ten to eleven. I took a deep breath, and walked through the barrier.

As my luck would have it, and as Sod's Law would dictate, he was standing, talking to the rest of the Marauders and Lily only fifty yards away. I was fortunate, however, in that Iz and Naomi immediately spotted me, and came over to introduce me to their parents. Five minutes later, I had calmed my nerves somewhat, and headed over to Lily to greet her. The whistle blew, and everyone starting scrambling for the train. Once safely on, with my trunk stowed, I turned round to be confronted by Sirius.

"Rose, I need to talk to you." He said, his face pale and thin. He didn't look like he had enjoyed Christmas much either.

"There is nothing I have to say to you." I replied, my voice stiff and formal, and as he reached out to touch my arm, I turned around and walked away.

Had I been able to see his face at that moment, I would have noticed it mould from imploring and open to determined. Any person who had ever been in the opposing Quidditch team against him would know that expression. Sirius Black got what he wanted, no matter what it took.

It was good to see my friends again, and to thank them for the Christmas presents that had given me, exchange news of our doings, and update everyone with important information. Katie had found some new guy over the holidays, Alice and Frank had met up, and Lily and James were still going strong. Megs and I sat together, as the only two singles in the carriage. Prefect duties were a blesséd escape from Sirius, who was sitting at the other end of the carriage with a face as dark as thunder in a brooding posture that I would have found amusing if I hadn't been slightly disconcerted.

I had made Lily sit with the Marauders, not wanting my quarrel with Sirius to mar her relationship with James, or our friendship. But, as I said, I managed to escape for at least half of the journey with prefect duties, and then spent the rest pointedly ignoring him as I chatted to my Megs. I wouldn't even have said we were friends anymore, and this was more animosity between us than in the first five and a half years of Hogwarts.

He didn't attempt to talk to me again all through the journey, nor through supper. He didn't even talk to James, only grunting when addressed by one of his friends. Our mutual friends kept darting looks at us when they didn't think we could see. I pretended to be oblivious to it all, keeping a neutral mask on my face and occupying myself with my food.

It was upon returning to the Heads' Common Room that Katie and the others decided to remonstrate with me, closing in around me.

"I know that what he did angered you, Rose, but Sirius is sorry for what he did. He keeps trying to apologise to you." started Katie.

"Well, what he did was unacceptable." I replied, annoyed to find myself in such a situation.

"But you got on so well last term! And he was so kind to you when we... we were being bitches to you." Put in Lily.

"That doesn't excuse what he did."

"But it was only Titia! I mean, okay, it was harsh, but it was the only method to get the point through to her that he didn't want to go out with her. She'd been throwing herself at him all last term, particularly towards the end. Nothing he said made an impact." That was Alice.

"Yeah well... it was harsh."

"But fair, I think. Why do you care so much about what he said to Titia?" from Megs.

"BECAUSE... because. I don't know. He just... he shouldn't be saying that to any girl. Whether it's Titia or... or-"

Even though I didn't finish my sentence, the "me" hung in the air, the elephant in the room.

Katie inhaled sharply.

"So you-"

"I don't want to talk about it." I interrupted her, before she could go any further. "Can we just drop the subject?"

Unfortunately, my friends didn't drop it, and by the time we reached the Heads' Common Room, they had harangued me into such a state that the sight of Sirius standing in front of the portrait hole was enough to push me over the edge. Especially when he planted himself square in front of me, blocking my path to the Common Room.

"Excuse me," I muttered, not looking at him.

He didn't budge an inch.

"We need to talk."

"We have nothing to talk about! Will you please get out of my way?"

"Not until you listen to me." He stated calmly, the antithesis of my anger.

"FINE!" I spat out through clenched teeth.

As I spun round to walk away, he grabbed my arm, but I wrenched it free of his grasp, pushed past my friends and ran. I pounded down the corridors, trying to get away from him. It took me a few moments to realise that the loud thumping I heard was not my heart, but in fact someone following me. He was following me.

I increased my pace, but although I had the head start, and spent time on the running machine at home, I was no match for his Quidditch trained body. After ten minutes, he was right behind me, gaining on me, and I was gasping for breath. I had to stop, and stop I did, bent double, leaning my weight on my knees. He stopped as well, and a disconnected part of me was gratified to notice that he too was out of breath.

We were in a dark corridor, somewhere on the ninth floor, the ten metres behind me stretching out towards a huge window, in which a crescent moon was hung. There were no doors along the corridor, and no portraits: only a few torches in brackets served to illuminate the scene with their burning fire.

Just my luck to have run down a dead end corridor. Sirius was blocking the only exit route. I would have to stay and listen to what he wanted to say. However, instead of spreading his arms out to block the corridor, he began to walk towards me. My head had risen at the sound of his footstep, and I took an involuntary step backwards as he came towards me with a predatory look in his eye.

"You know that what I said, when I was talking to Titia, it wasn't about you."

My breath caught. "Of course not. I would be an idiot to suppose so."

He took another step towards me, I took another step back.

"What I meant, when I said that she wasn't good enough for me, was that I didn't want someone just because of their looks. Her personality wasn't, and isn't, for me. Shallow, conceited, someone only interested in me for my looks."

"Right." I agreed.

Another step back. Even so, he was very close now.

"I don't quite understand your taking exception to this, then. Titia has never been anything but cruel to you."

Another step back. He was encroaching on my personal space, less than an arm's reach away.

"That doesn't mean you should... should..."

"Should what?"

He was close enough now that I had to tilt my head to see his face.

"Should humiliate her like that." I managed to find the words from somewhere, even as my knees began to shake.

"It was the only way to get through to her. I refused her, politely and kindly, at least a dozen times last term, but she didn't get the picture. So I had to get it through to her that I didn't want to go out with her. She accosted me there, in a public place; I didn't chose to do it there."

Still closer and closer. We were practically walking backwards now, at the pace we were going.

"Yet you don't want to go out with her because you believe she's conceited, when you yourself are conceited enough to tell her she isn't worthy of you." I countered, my voice shaking slightly now.

My heart was pumping, whether in terror or excitement I didn't know. All I knew was that it was dark, and we were alone, and Sirius was close, too close, much much too close.

"That was badly phrased. What I meant, was that I didn't want to go out with her. With anyone like her. What I wanted was to go out with someone who liked me for me, and not for my looks, my family and so on. Someone like you."

My heart skipped several beats, in fact I wasn't sure if it had stopped altogether.

"What?" I managed to gasp out, in between shaky breaths.

"I want you to go out with me, Rose Logan. I want you to be my girlfriend."

My back hit the wall behind me, as his arms came up either side of me. There was no escape.

"I want doesn't always get." I whispered. Incredibly, I was still forming coherent sentences, even as my world turned upside down.

"Fine. Then please will you go out with me, Rose Logan, Rose Loganberry." He whispered against my lips.

"I-I-" Ah – lucidity had been lost.

His face was at the same level as mine now, as his nose softly trailed down the skin next to my nose.

"You don't have to decide now." He whispered.

And then slowly, agonisingly slowly, he brought his lips forward by the scant few millimetres between us, and brushed his lips gently across mine in a burning, searing first kiss.

And then was gone. The kiss had probably lasted for three seconds, three seconds which contained an eternity. I didn't even notice him leave, like a predator merging into the darkness, as my knees buckled and I slid down the wall to sink to the floor, my thoughts in turmoil.

I'm sure your thoughts are much the same as mine - AHHHH!

Returning to sanity, though...

Complications superceded. Or are they?

Lol EllieBaby xxx