Better Not to Breathe

Tiny rays of light filtered into Loki's cell from the grate above. Loki stood in the path of the light and let it sink into his skin, though it did not warm him. He was as cold as ever.

He closed his eyes and held his hands behind his back. Even he had to admit that he had grown tired of the darkness. Every once and a while he found himself wishing for the comforting warmth of light. But instead he had been wallowing in the shadows more and more these days.

What was left for him was the waiting. Would Odin or Thanos come for him first? Loki wasn't sure which he preferred. Loki had no love for Asgard anymore. It was never his to begin with. It had turned into a house of lies filled memories that did not belong to him. Asgard had forsaken him, so why should he care. It would be what Odin deserved to watch his kingdom burn and to have his world fall in around his ears.

Maybe then he would understand what it was like to have all he had torn away. Odin would fall into darkness. But Loki would not let him have it.

No.

Loki opened his eyes and glared up at the light. Darkness was all he had.

Loki heard the echoing steps of someone approaching his cell. He knew who it was without having to turn around.

Dread filled his system.

He was not expecting Thor to visit him. He hadn't when he was in the cage on that flying fortress, so why now? So soon and still so raw after his encounter with Frigga?

Loki steeled himself.

"Ah, the Mighty Thor." Loki drawled, bitterness seeping into his voice. "Has the Allfather come to a decision yet?"

"No," was Thor's rumbling reply like thunder after a lightning strike. Loki barely shifted his head to glance over his shoulder.

"And why is that?" he wanted to know.

"It is not simple." Thor sounded miserable. It made Loki's heart hurt to hear him sound like that, but it was Thor's own fault. He shouldn't care like he did. It would be easier for them all if they just realized that there was no going back to the way things were, no matter how much he wished they could. No matter how much he wished that this was all just a bad dream that he could awaken from.

But there was no happy ending, not with him.

When were they going to give up? He already had…

"You would think Odin would not have any trouble sentencing a traitor to death," Loki said returning his gaze to the light shining above his head.

"Is that what you want, Loki? To have him put you to death? Do you have any idea what that would do to him?" Thor demanded, suddenly angry. "He raised you, loved you like a son."

Loki twisted around abruptly, favoring Thor with a critical eye. "So people keep telling me." Loki lifted his chin and looked at Thor down his nose. "It is better not to breathe, than to breathe a lie." Before Thor could respond, Loki said, "He went through the motions of loving me, but he really did not, Thor. Not like he loved and favored you."

Thor's stormy expression turned even more grim. "You cannot think that Loki," Thor muttered. "You cannot believe that they loved you any less because of me."

Loki's face slowly dropped.

No, Thor. Don't do that. Don't put this on you, you big idiot. This isn't your fault, it's mine…It's Odin's. I'm so sorry you were caught in the middle of all this… I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted you to hurt me…

But he could never say that to him. Never. It would be like running a mile back when he had already taken so many painful steps forward. It would give Thor hope; hope that there was something redeemable about him.

And there wasn't.

"Is that why you hate me so much?" Thor asked quietly. "Why you have tried to kill me?"

Loki controlled his features so that Thor would not see how his conclusion had struck him to his core.

"Yes, I imagine you would still be a bit bitter about that." Loki said, rolling his eyes as if Thor were being overly dramatic. "But not everything is about you, brother." Loki spat. "My issue is with Odin. That liar. Born to be kings? I see the irony in that now. I was only taking what I was owed, what I deserved."

Thor seemed to deflate, his face molding into an expression of sadness. He couldn't help but feel guilty, like he had something to do with Loki becoming this. Like there was something he failed to see. "What could I have done to have prevented this?"

Loki eyed him carefully before he turned away.

He knew Thor was going to be trouble when he walked in. He was going to make him start feeling things…like regret.

Didn't he feel it enough already? He regretted hurting Thor more than anything. He just got in the way. He got in the way of his purpose, of him trying to start over without them…without Thor. It was the only thing he had to hold onto and that made him angry. It made him lash out.

Thor who had everything and was everything Loki was not. He was strong and beautiful with a perfect halo of gold hair and lightening. He was a shining Prince of Asgard and everything a prince should be. He was fearless and brave, a conqueror and a fearsome warrior. Thor excelled at everything Odin valued. All his life Loki could see how proud Thor made him and Loki had to live off the meager scraps of Odin's praise; secondhand and left still cold in Thor's shadow. Always in his shadow and never far behind, because without Thor, he would never be noticed. It was like he wouldn't exist.

In reality, what was Loki without Thor? How could he have ever thought he could start over without him?

How could he ever deny that he loved Thor either, when Thor was the only one who ever loved him unconditionally? Loki lived off of Thor's love. Without it, he was as good as dead. He was nothing. Thor was his heart and he couldn't live without it. Not while he was in this world. Because with Thor alive and breathing, it meant that Loki would always have a weakness, a tether to his old life. He would always have pain.

It was time to sever all ties. To get it through Thor's thick skull that there was no going back.

It was time to cut out his heart and restart.

"There is nothing you could have done, Thor. No matter what either of us did, we would have always ended up," Loki paused glancing around his cell before meeting Thor's gaze, "here."

Thor shook his head, "What are you trying to prove? Some self-fulfilling prophecy because of whose blood runs through your veins? That is not who you are, Loki!"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!" Loki bellowed. "You're a fool, Thor." Loki accused violently. "A damned blind fool, to think that this was not who I was always meant to be, who I was made to be by your precious Allfather. Because of his lies, I have known pain, pain that you cannot even imagine. And what would you know of it? The Mighty Thor who has everything, Mjolnir in his grasp, the love of his people, and a kingdom to inherit. What would you know of loss? You've never had anything ripped from you, only ever given. You are a proud and ignorant fool."

A silence fell between them. They stood staring at each other for what felt like a long while.

"You have failed to realize that you are not the only one who has been lied to." Thor said slowly, his voice on the edge of anger. "You are not the only one who has been lied to. They never told me about you either…you are not the only one losing everything." Loki couldn't help but let his mask drop when seeing Thor's vulnerability written all over his face. "I have known pain, Loki. I have known war and failure. And I have known despair at the thought of losing you."

Loki opened his mouth to speak, but Thor spoke before he could utter a syllable, his voice quiet like the breath before a storm. "I see now that perhaps you are right. Perhaps I am being a fool to think there is anything left of my brother inside you. Because the brother I knew, was not like this. The brother I loved would never be this way. The Loki I knew was ready with a smile and never failed to make me laugh. He was a brother I trusted more than anyone and he would never hurt me this way.

He told me once to never doubt that he loved me, but every time I encounter you, the more I doubt. I see now that the brother I was trying so desperately to save is truly gone and that you are nothing but a monster that destroys everything he touches. I will not let you tear apart what is left of my family. I will not let you destroy my kingdom. My duty is to protect Asgard and the nine realms from you. And I will do it. And I will not let you or my feelings for you get in the way of that again."

Loki stood on trembling legs as he stared at the blurry visage of Thor. Only then did Loki realize that there were tears gathering in his eyes.

Loki had done it. He turned Thor against him. He finally got what he wanted and it hurt so much. It hurt more than he imagined it would.

He had kept pushing and pushing Thor away and now that the tether had finally snapped, it was like he couldn't breathe.

Loki's world tilted and his head spun painfully.

Through blurry eyes, Loki saw Thor turn away as he took a hazardous step closer to him.

No, no, no, no, no-

"Brother, please," Loki could barely get the words out over a whisper. His voice was lost under the weight of what he had done.

But Thor was walking away, like he had not heard him.

"Thor, wait!" Loki cried out desperately. But he was already losing sight of him, already slipping through his fingers.

Loki lunged forward and threw himself at the bars. "THOR!" he yelled at the top of his lungs.

No, no, no, no no! Loki's mind reeled frantically. I can't do this, I can't let you walk away like this!

"THOR!" he yelled again, wanting desperately to bring him back.

But Thor was gone. He was gone and he was never coming back.

He took a slow step back away from the bars, retreating into the shadows staring wide-eyed with tears gathering and falling from his eyes, a look of utter horror on his face.

What have I done?

Somewhere in the back of his mind…Loki could hear Thanos laughing.

A/N:This chapter was such a hard chapter to write, to be honest. I had written it about three times before I finally adapted it into this version. Loki and Thor's relationship is just so complex, in my opinion. This character Loki is so bent on not wanting to care, but he does. He still cares about the people he loves enough to push them away (as we saw with Frigga) so that he won't hurt them anymore. In reverse, if they hated him, it wouldn't hurt him as much when he does lash out at them. Buuuuutttt, Loki miscalculated, as he usually does and he's letting go of more and more of himself which will result in his complete and utter ruin if he doesn't change his tune.

I just thought I'd express my thoughts on the matter.

Thanks for reading! Your thoughts and encouragement are vastly appreciated!