Found the first one whilst rifling through a few old fics. Dusted it off and decided to write the rest. Ah, Butler. He really did put up with a lot...

WARNING - SPOILERS FOR TLG!

Yes, Artemis?

Book One

'Butler.'

'Yes, Artemis?'

'I want you ready the jet for Vietnam.'

'Vietnam, Artemis?'

'Yes, Butler. Ho Chi Mingh City to be precise. And then I want you to call ahead and hire a highly impractical jeep for when we arrive.'

'Highly impractical jeep, Artemis?'

'Yes, Butler. Then we shall meet with a man who tells me he can show me an inebriated slum fairy – for a price of course.'

'An inebriated slum fairy, Artemis?'

'Yes, Butler. We shall then pay the man and ply the inebriated slum fairy with promises of whiskey and Magic Water in exchange for twenty minutes with its bible.'

'Its bible, Artemis?'

'Yes, Butler. You shall then photograph the bible, which is written in a language that has never been translated by any human in the history of all time, inject the inebriated fairy with bugs and Magic Water… and leave.'

'Right.'

'Any problems, Butler?'

'None, sir. When would you like to set off?'

Book Two

"Butler."

"Yes, Artemis?"

"Now that we've just regained consciousness after having been hypnotized, kidnapped and unconsciously interrogated by fairy police officers I wish to go to France."

"France, Artemis?"

"Yes, Butler. Where I have volunteered for you to enter the home of a mesmerized, mystery-controlled PI Parisian and ask him about his large collection of triple A batteries which are currently being used to power fairy killer-lasers."

"Fairy killer-lasers, Artemis?"

"Yes, Butler. The fairies shall arm you with a wrist watch."

"A wrist watch, Artemis?"

"Yes, Butler. In return for this, two fairy police officers shall escort us to Russia where we shall proceed to walk through miles of uncharted Arctic snow field leagues away from the location where my father is currently being held as a mafia hostage."

"Uncharted arctic snow fields, Artemis? But wouldn't the fairies, with the most advanced technology under or over the earth, after they've just transported us hundreds of miles in vehicles easily capable of breaking the sound barrier, be able to provide us with some form of car to get us to your father?"

"Don't ask stupid questions, Butler."

"Of course, Artemis. I'll get my gun."

Book Three

"Butler."

"Yes, Artemis?"

"I wish to go to London to have lunch with a Chicagoan megalomaniac with known mobster connections."

"Known mobster connections, Artemis?"

"Yes, Butler. I will then demonstrate to him a piece of technology which makes an Ipad look like an abacus and then tell him he can't have it."

"No, Artemis?"

"No, Butler. He'll probably be angry and possibly murder us both, but I shall have ordered the swordfish and be too busy luxuriating in my own false sense of superior invincibility by that point to care."

"Hmm. Yes, Artemis. I'll get the car keys."

Book Four

"Butler."

"Yes, Artemis?"

"I've organised for my whole school year to go to Munich for a week in order for me to steal a rare painting from a highly secure Swiss bank. I shall do this in broad daylight."

"Broad daylight, Artemis?"

"Yes, Butler. You shall help me in this endeavour by holding up a large piece of paper for three minutes thereby shielding my actions from the singular and extremely conveniently-angled CCTV camera set in the far corner of the room. I shall then break into the painting's security box, which shall bizarrely be in the same viewing room with me, and steal it. Any questions?"

"Shall I be required to speak in an accentuated German military manner?"

"It wouldn't harm, Butler."

"I'll get my passport."

Book Five

"Butler."

"Yes, Artemis."

"I wish to go to Barcelona and stand on a pavement for approximately half an hour. I shall then walk straight into oncoming traffic, shake hands with a freshly-materialized demon and vanish first to the moon, then to the sea before finally appearing before Gaudi in the nineteenth century to advise him on aesthetic construction."

"Aesthetic construction, Artemis?"

"Yes, Butler. I'll then congratulate you on your taste in jewellery, admire a change in my own prehensile structure and request that we go to the opera."

"The opera, Artemis?"

"Yes, Butler. Then a fairy police officer shall be unable to save a demon that has been shot with a walking stick, I'll not be able to help perving on a girl whom has just ordered the shooting of a demon with a walking stick and you shall sit back and film it all on your watch."

"Sounds like a pleasant afternoon. I'll get my coat."

Book Six

"Butler."

"Yes, Artemis?"

"My mother is ill with a rare, usually fatal fairy disease despite it having being eradicated eight years ago and her having never had any contact with any member of the People besides the elfin police officer I kidnapped six years ago who in any rate does not have the disease. I assume that she has caught it from me, despite the fact that I am also perfectly healthy and have also never been in contact with the disease – which in any case, as I have just stated, was eradicated eight years ago. I must go back in time and capture a lemur in order to drain its brain fluid."

"Brain fluid, Artemis?"

"Yes, Butler. You shall attempt to go to a Chinese island but instead be waylaid by a past version of a psychotic, pixie murderer."

"Psychotic pixie murderer, Artemis?"

"Yes, Butler. You'll then spend the afternoon collecting animal fat in a barrel and eventually suffer a cardiac arrest."

"I'll ready the jet, Artemis."

Book Seven

"Butler? Five, five, five, five."

"Yes, Artemis?"

"Your sister wants you to go to Mexico. She is telling me this, not you, through a mysterious text message I have just received on my personal phone because... just because. There is no need for you to be suspicious of my actions. Five, five, five, five, five, five, five.

"Five, Artemis?"

"Yes, Butler. Five, five, five."

"And you shall be alright if I leave you on your own?"

"Of course, Butler. I shall definitely not take myself off to a secret meeting in Iceland where I shall present my prototype of a plastic-snowflake cannon that could possibly safe the earth's environment to FIVE members of the People's most important military staff. Five, five. DON'T TOUCH THE ORDER OF MY THINGS! Five, five, five."

"I'd best get going then, Artemis."

Book Eight

"Butler."

"Yes, Artemis?"

"Everything in the world that has had anything to do with a certain psychotic technologically-gifted pixie in the last eight years has exploded. This, for some reason, does not include nuclear weapons or the chrysalis she used to clone herself, nor the clone."

"The clone, Artemis?"

"Do not worry about it, Butler. You shall tip whisky onto a band of zombie pirates, paint my face, throw me into a lake, lose the ability to grow head hair and eventually wake up to find that I have sacrificed my life in order to save all of humanity."

"All of humanity, Artemis?"

"Yes, Butler. But it shall be alright. It shall not be your fault."

"No, Artemis."

"And I shall return to you."

"Yes, Artemis."

"And it shall all be right again."

"Yes, Artemis. I'll get my flak jacket."

Epilogue

"Butler?"

"Yes, Artemis?"

"You know I love you, don't you?"

"Yes, Artemis. I love you too."

"Butler–"

"No, Artemis. Just no."

The End

Really, pleasantly, surprised by the popularity of these little snippets. I'm loving all your thoughts and support.

Cheers, guys!

And please keep it up!

Holi