In which Bucky finally starts to open up a bit.
Bucky starts coming over more often after that. He doesn't even know why he keeps coming back, most time he just finds himself there.
He does not try making up excuses, he simply knocks on the door and Steve greets him with a "Hi Sergeant!" and lets him in without a question. He never calls first, but he somehow seems to always know when Steve is going to be home.
Usually, they don't do much talking. Bucky sits on his customary chair and watches Steve do the housework, or cook, or maybe catch up on stuff. Steve then generally offers him something to drink or eat, or maybe a book to read, and Bucky always tries to refuse, but most times the man either does not wait for an answer or simply ignores it, so he ends up letting himself be swayed and taking whatever Steve is handing him.
Sometimes Steve tries to get him to open up, or pushes him a bit to see if he remembers something. Those days Bucky does not stay much.
Occasionally, Bucky's the one who starts talking. He asks Steve questions about the man he's not anymore, not really caring for the facts, but rather for what James Buchanan Barnes would've done in a certain situation, what he would've thought, felt…
Steve thinks that maybe he wants to check how much alike he and James Barnes are, so he starts rephrasing the questions when Bucky asks.
"What do you think he would've said?"
"I… I don't know, I'm asking you!"
"Ok, so what would you've said, then?" Bucky frowns, but considers it anyway.
"I think… I would've told him to fuck off" Steve laughs.
"Yeah, well, that's exactly how Buck phrased it, too" he says, and did he just see a small half-smile on Bucky's face?
The progress is slow, but it's there, turning Bucky more into a normal man, small step at a small step. It takes Steve ages to get him to sit on the couch or just move around the place, and even more to get him to call him by his name.
He does not know it, but directly addressing him by a name means Bucky has stopped trying to convince himself that he sees him as a target, and that takes the man some time.
But when he finally does he starts calling him "Rogers", and the military vibe he gets from him being referred to as "Sergeant" and calling the blond "Rogers" is comfortingly familiar and soothing.
Of course, Steve has tried to convince him to just call him by his first name, but Bucky's not ready for that kind of intimacy just yet.
However he does tell the man where he works, and when he comes to visit, it makes his day a bit brighter.
He also talks more, and they go out sometimes, for walks or to visit some place Steve has read about on the internet.
Bucky has managed to avoid all kinds of physical contact so far, but that changes when they take the subway the first time.
They reach a crowded station, and when people start rushing in, they offhandedly shove Bucky against Steve. He doesn't even register the proximity of the man at first, he's just trapped between bodies, and all he notices is the part of him that still is the Winter Soldier feeling cornered, growing restless by the second. He clenches his fists, realising he's about to loose control, and he needs to get away, but then a strong arm wraps around his waist and Steve brings him closer to him. His breath hitches, but the man keeps holding him tight, and soothingly draws circles on the small of his back with his thumb.
"It's ok, Sergeant" he whispers into his ear. "Take deep breaths."
He does, and Steve's scent fills his mind, acting like an instant balm. When finally enough people get out to allow them to move again, Steve lets go of him, and he almost misses the presence, but the man takes his hand into his, and Bucky does not pull back.
It surprises him, but he finds himself not only not minding more contact after that, but actually wanting it. So he doesn't sit or walk so stiffly anymore, his arm or his hip sometimes rubbing slightly against Steve's as he walks by, and when they sit on the couch to watch a movie, he leans in a bit closer.
Steve soon takes notice, and from that moment he makes sure he's touching Bucky at every chance he has, holding hands, tapping on his shoulder, gently punching him on the arm when he's on a teasing mood… To Bucky's relief, he doesn't even seem to mind the metal arm.
It's only then that the older man notices how much of the touching type Steve really is, and how it must've been awfully hard for him to hold back around him.
It makes him feel grateful, so that afternoon when he visits, he walks up to him with a question on his lips.
"Hey…" he starts, hesitantly. Steve turns from the food he's preparing and looks at him.
"What's up, Sergeant? Do you need something?" Bucky shakes his head.
"Would you mind it if... Can I call you Steve?"
And Bucky's certain that wars could be started for a smile like that.
"Of course you can! God Buc– dammit. Yes, please do, you jerk" he stammers, and hugs him. And Bucky isn't entirely uncomfortable with it.
"Can you feel with that?" Steve asks him one day, after they absentmindedly ended up holding hands while watching a TV Show. Bucky does not answer straight away.
"I feel pressure…" he says quietly after a bit. "I can tell apart a light touch from a grip or a punch, but I do not feel the associated sensations, like pain or… pleasure" he speaks the word as if it was a foreign concept. "There's not warmth or coldness either. Hydra gave me only what they thought I needed. Pressure is useful in fights, and for manipulating stuff, helps me adjust my strength. The rest is not."
Steve looks at him through sad eyes.
"But that's… Fuck, I'm sorry."
"Why? It's not your fault."
"I-I know, I mean… It's too bad that you can't feel nice things, it sucks." he says, looking at the metal fingers entwined with his. His thumb had been caressing the back of his hand, but now he just sighs and does not resume the movement, since it seems pointless. Bucky then tightens the grip on his hand.
"When you touch me, it feels nice" the younger man looks back up at him, confused.
"But you said…"
"I don't feel it like with my right hand, but my brain is slowly making connections" he explains. "Until now, if someone touched me it only was during fights or missions, or my handlers for some reason. It didn't exactly hurt, but my mind knew that all that contact was associated with fighting and pain. When you started touching me you did it in a way I had never experienced before, and my brain wasn't sure how to process the information the neural receptors were sending… But I've been learning to identify it as something different, something… yours. And now it always feels nice. It's… difficult to explain"
"I think I get it" Steve says as he starts to stroke his hand again, smiling at him.
And the man has to look away, because that smile is messing with his head.
Well, now we're starting to get somewhere! (:
- V7