Posting these because I think they need an airing after sitting, so long and so forgotten, in the ether of neglected, supposedly-adopted fanfics (hi there, Ru), and I've also had several requests to bring them back.
These were written during the beautiful days before TLG came out, when we were all COMPLETELY obsessed with giving Artemis therapy and unburdened by fairy rose feels.
Grapes
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Document – 2568796
Patient No. 55555 (AFII)
Day ** *
Verbal Log (extract)
H – A******?
A – Hello, H****.
Door clicks shut.
H – Hey.
A – Hello.
Pause
H – How's your head?
A – Still slightly diseased. How's yours?
Pause
H – It's good. Thanks.
A – I'm glad to hear it.
Pause
H – A******, I –
A – Would you care for –?
Pause
A – My apologies. What were you going to say?
H – Nothing. Who would I care for?
A – I was going to say a grape.
H – Oh. Um, yeah, I'll have a grape.
A – Here. They're really quite delicious, if a little clichéd beside a sickbed.
Bag rustles.
H – You're right.
A – About the cliché or the taste?
H – Both.
A – Mother brought them for me. She wasn't sure whether fairy food
would be quite up to proper standards –
H – A******, I lied.
Pause
A – I'm sorry?
H – Earlier. Frond, that sounds so dramatic. Just… when I said I
didn't have anything to say… I did.
Pause
A – Then why didn't you say it?
H – Because you interrupted me.
A – I interrupted you about grapes, H****. Surely if you had anything
important to say to me it would have taken precedence.
H – Well, I didn't know you were going to talk about grapes, did I?
You asked me would I care for something.
A – Yes. For grapes.
H – Look. Could we please just leave the grape thing alone? Gods, you
are so hard to talk to sometimes.
Pause
A – Would you mind if I continued to eat the grapes?
H – Do what you want, A******.
A – Thank you. I shall.
Pause
H – Enjoying those?
A – Very much. Would you care for another?
H – No.
Pause
H – Are you even bothered about what I was going to say to you?
A – Not if you thought it was an inferior topic to grapes.
Slapping noise.
A – Ow!
H – You deserved it.
A – That is going to leave a mark.
H – Good.
A – You know I have no idea what Orion was talking about calling you
Fair Maiden. He made you sound so soft and gentle.
H – Well, Orion went on about a lot of things that supposedly didn't make sense.
A – That he did.
Pause
H – Chuck me a grape.
A – Oh ho! So the grapes are back in favour now are they?
H – Shut up and pass me a grape.
A – No.
H – Fine. I'll get one myself.
A – No, you won't.
Scuffles and a bag rustling.
H – A******!
More scuffles.
H – Stop being childish!
A – Being technically the only child in the room I reserve the right
to be as childish as–
H – A******! We're going to–!
Bang.
H – Fall.
Pause
A – H****.
H – Yes?
A – Your knee is in my groin.
Pause
H – Sorry.
Scuffles.
H – Well…I got your grapes.
A – You did indeed.
H – Sorry.
A – It was an accident I'm sure.
H – Our meetings always tend to end in those.
A – Why, are you leaving?
H – No. Not unless you want me to?
A – I don't.
Pause
A – Who else would help me finish all of these?
Pause
A – Who did you think I was asking you to care for, H****?
H – I thought you were asking me to care for you.
A – And why did that stop you from saying what you were going to say?
H – Because I was going to ask you whether you'd been thinking about
asking me to care for you.
A – And you stopped in order to let me do it?
H – Yes.
Pause
H – But then you talked about grapes instead: an altogether safer subject.
A – Which is something you and I have always been great fans of: safety.
H – Bivouacs: brilliant things.
A – Indeed.
Pause
A – Would you care for me, H****?
Pause
H – I'd prefer a grape.
A – H****.
Pause
H – I don't know.
A – A fair answer. I don't often care for myself.
H – You know I carefor you, A******. It's just whether I…
Pause
A – Do not worry, H****. I should never have asked you.
H – But it was my fault that you did.
A – Weren't you prepared for it?
H – I thought I would be. I thought I'd know when it came.
A – Then you knew I would eventually ask unprompted?
H – I knew there was… something in Orion that was in you.
Pause
A – Idiocy.
H – No, A******. Not idiocy.
Pause
A – I still think of it you know; on the bonnet of that car. The
windscreen wiper was sticking into my hip.
Pause
A – And you. There at my side. Your eyes closed. The sunset painted
against your skin.
Pause
A – You know.
Pause
A – I think I would have kissed you.
Pause
H – I think I would have kissed you back.
A – Really?
Pause
A – You mean you wouldn't have hit me?
H –What–? No!
A – Come now, H****. You cannot say it would have been out of character.
H – What–? How –? How do you even dothis?
A – Do what?
H – Manage to turn everything into an argument!
A – We're not having an argument.
H – A******.
A – What?
Pause
H – Well get on–
A – Would you care–
Pause
A – Sorry. What were you saying?
H – You first.
A – I was going to ask if you wanted any more grapes.
Pause
H – Are you being serious?
A – Why? What were you going to say?
H – Really? Really? Surely even youcannot be this emotionally stunted.
A – Emotionally–? What?
H – I give up. Truly, I give up.
A – H****, I don't have the slightest–
H – I was going to tell you to get on with kissing me!
Pause
A – Tell me again.
Pause
A – H****. Please. I promise I shan't interrupt.
Pause
H – Pass me a grape.
A – H****!
H – Grape.
Pause
H – Hmmm.
Pause
H – These are so moreish.
Pause
A – This is hardly ethical, H****.
H – What is?
A – Torturing a mental patient.
Pause
H – You're only a little mental.
Pause
H – There. Finished.
A – You're sure? You wouldn't care for a biscuit or anything?
H – Well if you're–
A – I was being facetious.
Pause
H – You know I thought about it too.
A – On the car?
H – Yep. Me, going on and on. You, just looking at me. Just looking.
A – I was memorising the moment.
H – For future self-torment?
A – Something like that.
Pause
H – Exactly like that.
Pause
H – And, yes.
A – Yes, what?
H – Yes. I would care for you.
Pause
A – Ask me, H****.
Pause
A - Ask me everything.
Pause
H – Would you care for me?
A – Yes.
H – Would it be so bad?
A – No.
Pause
H – Would you please get on with kissing me?
End Verbal Log (extract)
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Document – 2568145
Patient No. 55555.2 (OETF)
Day **
Verbal Log (extract)
O – Maiden?
H – Don't call me that.
O – My Lady?
H – Or that.
O – But–
H – No touching!
Pause
O – H****?
Pause
H – What?
O – I love you.
H – Oh for–
O – I can hold it in no longer!
Bed creaks.
H – Orion, what are you–?
O – You are my breath, my heartbeat, the very fibre of my soul!
H – Please, tell me that's your phone–
O – Without you my being would simply cease to be!
H – Okay, that's definitely not a phone–
O – I would scatter, pointless, aimless to the winds!
Door clicks.
B – A******, I've got the coffee you–
Pause
B – What's going on?
Scuffling.
O – Ah! My goodly manservant! It is a good day to be met!
B – Met?
H – Orion, get off me.
B – Orion?
O – Yes! It is I! Orion Erasmus Theolonious Fowl!
B – What?
O – What indeed, my dear fellow, you see–!
Bang.
H – There. Stay. Frond, he's gotten heavy.
Pause
B – Care to explain, H****?
H – B*****, meet Orion. A******'s alter–
O – And I love her like a marmoset loves its own children!
H – Stay on the floor.
B – Marmoset?
H – He tends to talk like that.
B – Ah.
Slight creak.
H – Stay on the floor, Orion!
O – But, Maiden!
H – Don't touch me!
O – Oh, I would never! Never in the presence of another, my lady!
Those matters are to be saved for the privy chamber.
Pause
H – B*****. Don't leave me.
B – Wasn't planning to.
End Verbal Log (extract)
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Document – 2568146
Patient No. 55555 (AFII)
Day **
Verbal Log (extract)
A – H****, I am so–
H – Yeah. Don't mention it.
End Verbal Log (extract)
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Document – 2568225
Patient No. 55555 (AFII)
Day **
Verbal Log (extract)
A single clap.
N1 – Right! Let's get cracka-lackin! That's a new phrase I learnt from
watching human sitcoms.
A – That's marvellous, N**.
Gasp.
N1 – Was that sarcasm, A******? I've almost learnt sarcasm! It's just
all very confusing. I never know if –
Fingers clicking.
H – N**. Focus.
N1 – Oh! Sorry, H****! Where was I? Ah yes, purging A******'s body of
all magic. I remember.
A – So how will the process actually work? Do you need to cast a spell?
N1 – No. No spell. I just lay my hands on you and absorb any magic I
sense back to me. Clean as a whistle.
Pause
N1 – As long as it doesn't undo all the healing you've received over
the years – then it'll be clean as M****'s apartment!
B – A******, I don't like the sound of this.
A – Neither do I old friend, but if it is magic that is keeping the
complex here…
B – Will it hurt him, N**?
N1 – The process will most likely be uncomfortable, yes. But there
shouldn't be any long term effect.
Pause
B – Uncomfortable?
N1 – Um… Painful, agonising, excruciatingly–
A – Thank you, N**.
N1 – But there's no need to worry too much, A******! Since you used
all of your stolen magic on healing your mother there shouldn't be
much left to purge. I don't think I'll need to absorb for very long.
A – Well at least that's something. Do you need me to lie down?
N1 – I think that would be best.
Bed creaking.
B – A******, I really –
A – Please, B*****, take your protests outside. They are no help in here.
N1 – If anyone is distressed I can just come back another day…
A – No! We must do this now! Anything to decrease my time in this
God-forsaken clinic.
N1 – Well, if you're sure…
A – I am, N**. Please proceed.
N1 – Right. Okay.
Pause
N1 – Sorry, B*****.
B – Let's just get this over with.
N1 – Right. A******, Doctor Argon told me to stay as far away from
your head as possible so as not to risk aggravating the complex in any
way. So, I'm going to absorb everything through your feet.
A – I understand.
N1 – This might lengthen the process a little, seeing as most magic
resides in the mind, but hopefully since your body's well used to
having magic running through it, it shouldn't make that much of a
difference.
H – A******, take my hand.
A – H****?
H – Just take it.
N1 – Okay, if I just slip these off. Whoa. Nice socks, A******. Right,
sorry, serious. I'll start the first wave now.
Crackling noise.
H – A******?
A – I'm fine, H****.
H – Just grip my hand when you need to.
A louder crackling noise.
A – H****, really, I am fine. I am merely experiencing a slight tingli – AHHHH!
End Verbal Log (extract)
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Document – 2568696
Patient No. 55555 (AFII)
Day ***
Verbal Log (extract)
Loud, irreverent, human music.
H – A******? A******! What's with–?
Pause
H – What the d'arvit?
M – Hey, H****!
H – M****, what is he doing?
M – Having a dance. Haven't you ever had a dance?
H – Well, yeah. But I'm not– Frond. He's going to hurt himself!
M – Nah, he's fine.
Clapping noise.
M – Hey! M** B**! How're the fours going?
A – Well, thank you, but the gremlins are on parade.
M – See? Absolutely fine.
Bang.
M – Okay, maybe not.
Pause
M – Nope! Look at that! He's up again!
H – M**** he's ill.
M – I know that.
H – Then why are you sat here watching him like some sort of PPTV special?
M – I'd have you know that he is better than TV. Seriously, I'm
considering cancelling my subscription and just setting up a couch in
here.
H – M****!
Bang.
A – Hello, H****!
H – Oh. Hey A******. Shouldn't you be putting some trousers on now?
A – Don't be silly, H****, trousers are for cats.
M – Yeah, H****, don't be silly.
Bang.
H – A******! Are you alright?
A – I'm joining the gremlin parade!
H – He definitely wasn't like this yesterday.
M – To be fair, H*****, he wasn't pumped up to his eyeballs with drugs
yesterday. Whatever Argon gave him was strong stuff.
A – Monkey bollocks!
M – He cracks me up.
Pause
H – So exactly how long has he been like this?
M – Um... Nine hours?
H – Nine hours. He's been dancing like this for nine hours?
M – He did stop for a bit around lunchtime in order to staple all his
clothing to the ceiling.
H – To the–? What–? Why?
M – No idea. I don't think he had much of a clue either.
Bang.
H – A******!
M – Oh, calm down, H****. Here, watch this! A***! What's five times five?
A – Sexy time.
H – No!
End Verbal Log (extract)
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Document – 2568697
Patient No. 55555 (AFII)
Day ***
Verbal Log (extract)
A – H****, I am so–
H – Yeah. Don't mention it.
End Verbal Log (extract)
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Document – 2568100
Patient No. 55555 (AFII)
Day **
Verbal Log (extract)
A – What do you mean Father is outside the door?
An – Dear, please calm down. He is your father and he is entitled to visit you.
A – I am in a mental institute staffed completely by fairies.
An – I had noticed, A******.
A – And now so shall he! I had told you: this hadto be a secret!
An – He is your father. It was no longer fair to lie to him.
A – Have you told him everything?
An – No, not everything. I thought I would leave that particular story to you.
A – You thought that you what?
An – A******. Calm down.
Door clicks.
AS. – A***?
A – Father! Father, I… Father, I can explain–
AS. – A***.
Clothing ruffles.
AS. – I am so glad to see you.
Pause
A – And I you, Father… Yes.
AS. – Are you well?
A – Yes, Father, I am. Fine.
AS. – And are they treating you properly here, these… these fairies?
A – Very properly, indeed. Very properly.
AS. – Your speech. Why are you talking like this?
An – It is a part of the illness, T****. He is compelled to speak in
multiples of five.
AS. – Compelled?
A – Atlantis Complex stage one: OCD and multiple personality disorder… Father.
AS. – Multiple personality?
A – I… have an alter ego.
Pause
AS. – An alter ego?
An – Orion.
A – Yes. Although I am thankful that you have thus far avoided meeting
him… Very thankful.
Pause
AS. – Well… What is he… she? Like?
A – Heis my very opposite.
AS. – Unintelligent?
A – Fanciful, dramatic, garish, capricious… romantic.
AS. – Romantic?
An – Oh dear. He doesn't flirt with H**** does he?
A – Mum!
An – Well you do have rather a thing for her, darling.
AS. – Sorry, who?
An – H****: the fairy who saved you in the Arctic.
AS. – Was that her name? And A*** has a thing for her?
A – I do not have a thing–
An – There's no need to be ashamed, dear, she's a lovely woman.
AS. – Woman? We're talking about a woman? I thought we were talking
about a girl!
A – And now we are going to talk about something else.
AS. – How old is this woman?
An – Oh, B***** did tell me.
Pause
An - Late nineties?
AS. - What?
A – One, two, three, four, five.
AS. – Late nineties?
An – Yes, but dear you must remember that fairies age differently from
us. If she were human she'd probably only be in her early twenties.
AS. – Early twenties?
A – One, two, three, four, five. One, two, three, four, five.
Door clicks
H – Hope you're awake, M** B**, because I brought–! Oh.
Pause
H – Am I interrupting something?
End Verbal Log (extract)
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Document – 2568178
Patient No. 55555.2 (OETF)
Day ***
Verbal Log (extract)
Bang.
B – Left hook.
Bang.
B – Right hook.
Bang.
B – Left, right jab.
Bang. Bang.
B – Good. Excellent. Just remember: keep the elbows in, shoulders loose.
O – Aye aye, goodly manservant!
B – You can just call me B*****, Orion.
O – Goodly B*****!
B – No.
O – Magnificent Protector of the Fifth Supreme–!
B – Alright, alright! Goodly B***** it is. Let's take a break...
Bed creaks.
O – But I dost not need to break, Goodly B*****! I could champion on for hours!
B – Well A****** can't, so sit... And try to be quiet.
O – Quiet? A champion is never quiet! He strives and crows until his
goal is reached!
Pause
B – I'm probably going to regret asking this but… What goal?
O – I aim to make myself large and strong for the fair maiden! So when
we finally retreat to the privy chamber she may gaze upon a figure
that is–
B – Yep, I was right.
O – Dost thou not think it a worthy goal?
B – I think that A****** would probably want you to stop talking now.
O – In the shade of the crepuscular eve we shall ascend to the privy
chamber and a golden star shall shine upon our union!
B – Orion–
O – And we shall frolic till dawn among the silken sheeting spun by
the legs of a thousand merry spiders!
B – Orion–
O – And she shall profess her love to me. She shall whisper it sweetly
in my ear and I shall lift her high to the heavens! Yes! My love! My
dear, sweet Princess! My love! My love! Oh, my love! My Princess–!
Buzz. Bang.Door clicks.
H – A******?
B – Hello, H****.
H – Oh. B*****. Where's A**–? Ah.
Pause
B – He was being Orion.
Pause
H – He got that bad?
B – He got over excited.
Pause
H – Do I want to know?
B – No.
H – Okay.
End Verbal Log (extract)
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Document – 2568807
Patient No. 55555 (AFII)
Day ***
Verbal Log (extract)
J – So how're you?
A – I'm well thank you, yourself?
J – Oh, I'm fine.
Pause
J – How's therapy been?
A – Taxing. But I've made progress.
J – That's good.
Pause
J – Have you snogged H**** yet?
A – J*****!
J – What? It's a reasonable question!
A – Did B***** put you up to this?
J – No.
Pause
J – I mean he's interested, yeah–
A – Perfect. Nice to know I can count on his discretion.
J – Oh come on, A***. He hasn't told me anything. I brought it up with
him first!
Pause
J – It's not like it's not obvious that you like her.
A – I can hardly control what Orionsays–
J – No. Not just Orion. Every time she walks into your room you just… glow.
Pause
A – She is my friend, J*****.
Pause
J – So have you kissed her?
Pause
J – OH MY GOD!
A – J*****, for God's–
J – I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!
A – J*****!
J – My Bro's gonna freak!
Door clicks.
B – What will I do?
A – J*****, you dare–!
J – Our little A***'s a man!
B – WHAT?
A – B*****–
B – WHEN? WHO? HOW?
J – H**** of course! And jeez, D**, probably the conventional way.
B – Is this true?
A – No! She doesn't –
J – Definitely. I asked him whether he'd done it yet and he went bright red.
Door Clicks.
H – Hey, A***! Oh, hi J*****, B*****. Bit crowded in here isn't it?
B – Have you had sex with A******?
J – What?
H – What?
A – Wow.
B – Well haveyou?
H – No I d'arviting haven't!
J – Jesus, Bro.
B – What do you mean "Jesus, Bro"? You were the one who told me she had!
J – I meant that he'd kissed her not shaggedher.
A – Hello, H****. Have you come for a long visit?
B – He just kissed her?
J – Yeah.
Pause
B – You mean again?
J – What?
H – What?
A – This just keeps getting better.
J – You mean there was a first time beforethis time?
B – Sorry, A******. I thought everyone knew.
A – It is said now.
H – What? Who? Who knows?
B – F**** told me.
H – F****.
B – And I think he told M**** too.
J – Am I the only one out of the loop?
Door clicks.
M – Evening all! Just popping by to see my favourite little mud nut.
Hmm, bit crowded in here isn't it?
J – Did youknow about A****** and H****?
M – Why hello to you too, Mud Maid.
J – Well did you?
M – Course I did. Thought everyone knew. Getting in a little
inter-species five times five during visiting hours. Their ascent to
the privy chamber.
Pause
H – What?
M – No need for shame, H****. You're among friends here.
B – A******?
A – I have no clue. Nothing of a sordid nature has ever occurred
between H**** and myself. I swear it. This is all fabricated slander
concocted by a mind so often in dirt some of it has obviously seeped
into the inner workings.
B – Nothing?
H – Believe me. Nothing.
Pause
M – Yeah.
Pause
M – And I'm Lady Gaga.
End Verbal Log (extract)
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Document – 2568104
Patient No. 55555 (AFII)
Day **
Verbal Log (extract)
Door Clicks.
H – A******? Are you–?
Pause
H – Whoa.
A – Hello, H****. How are you?
H – What… What are you wearing?
A – My belated fifteenth birthday present.
H – That's… What does it say? "RANDOMOSITY"? Is that even a word?
A – Not that I'm aware of.
H – Who… Who gave it to you?
A – Mother. She is also forcing me to wear it: on pain of guilt.
H – Well… at least it goes well with–
A – My dangerously unstable mental status?
H – I was going to say your new jeans. But I suppose that too.
Bed creaks.
A – It is humiliating. I know she wishes me to look more like a normal
teenager but I am not. I mean clearly. Would I be talking to you if I
were normal?
H – Probably not.
A – Would I have contracted Atlantis Complex if I were normal?
H – No.
A – No.
Bed creaks.
H – Hey, come on. Don't sulk. It's only a T-Shirt.
A – It is not only one!
Bed creaks. Wardrobe door bangs open.
A – Look at them all!
H – Holy Frond. Where… where are all your suits?
A – Confiscated! Mother waited until I was in therapy with Argon and
then took them all!
H – And left you with–
A – These cotton-mix, rainbow-vomit monstrosities!
Pause
H – Can I… Can I have a look?
A – Do what you wish to!
Rattling.
H – Oh gods. They've all got slogans. What's this one? "I'm pink on the inside".
Pause
H – Oh my gods. That's… Okay, I'll shut up.
Rattling.
H – Hey, this one isn't so bad – "Bright Spark". A good reminder, eh?
A – Admittedly, I do not mind that one so very much.
Rattling.
H – "I steal hearts not fairies."
Pause
A – J***** said it was… appropriate. Apparently I've grown and…
Pause
A – It's what females of my species and age often find attractive in a male.
Pause
A – She also said something about my hair looking "cool" but frankly I
think it looks like an overgrown rat's nest.
Pause
A – It is only her opinion of course–
H – No.
Pause
H – I mean, yes! I meant yes.
Pause
H – I mean.
Pause
H – Your hair does look quite good… actually.
Pause
H – Y'know, the whole… "wind-swept debonair" thing you've got going on.
Pause
H – Yep. Heard the Mud Ladies reallygo for that.
Pause
H – And y'know. For a M** M** you're not… that bad… facially wise.
Pause
H – The general… facearea...
Pause
H – And… I just remembered that I really need to be somewhere!
Pause
H – So I'm just going to go. Now. Goodbye.
Door clicks.
End verbal log (extract)
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Document – 2568700
Patient No. 55555 (AFII)
Day ***
Verbal Log (extract)
T – So you think he still needs guarding?
H – The paparazzi are still round here 24/7. If we remove LEP presence
they'll be inside like vultures on a troll carcass and A****** won't
get a moment's peace.
T – I think B*****'s more than capable of handling a few photographers.
H – But would you really wanthim handling them?
T – I sure he wouldn't do anything–
H – He would. If A****** was bothered enough, he would.
Pause
T – It's been five months, H****.
H – He's recovering.
T – Then why can't he recover top side?
H – They still need to observe him.
T – You mean youstill need to observe him.
H – Excuse me?
T – Oh, come on, H****! You spend half your time here! Even when
you're not on guard duty.
H – Meaning?
T – Meaningthat you're clearly in love with him.
(end of extract)
RESTRICTED ACCESSDocument – 2568455Patient No. 55555 (OETF)Day **Verbal Log (extract)Pumping dance music
H – Orion, what–?
O – Hello, Miss H****.
H – Why are the lights dimming?
O – Do not be afraid.
H – What?
O – I'd advise you to sit, Miss H****.
H – Where's B*****?
O – He can't hear you.
H – What?
O – Just sit, Fair Maiden.
H – Orion, what are you doing?
Ripping noise.
H – Oh my gods.
O – He was wearing mirrored Ray-Bans™ and a well-tailored suit. When he met you.
H – Why are you wearing spandex–?
O – He picked you up, he took you home, and locked you away. Deep down
in his basement new.
H – Where would you even getspandex–?
O – Now eight years later on you've got his heart at your feet. His
love has come so easy for you.
H – No. Go dance over there–
O – But now he's sick you hardly even look at him twice: just because
his ego's been spliced. Don't?
H – Orion–
O – Don't you want us?
H – Orion, seriously –
O – You know we can't believe it when we hear that you won't see us. Don't–?
H – Orion–
O – Don't you want us?
H – I swear I'll hit you right in the sequins–
O – You know we don't believe it when you say that you don't need us.
Creak.
O – It's much too late to fight.
H – Wait, what's–?
O – From you we cannot hide.
H – And why is it glittering–?
O – Our love's too much to bare and now we're both ex-plo-ding.
H – B*****!
O – Don't you want us, H**-**?
H – Oh my gods!
O – Don't you want us? Whoa-oh-oh-oh?
Creak
H – Orion!
O – Don't you want us, H**-**?
H – AHHHH!
O – Don't you want us, whoa-oh-oh-oh?
H – NO!
Flump.
O – I was bleeding in a crater by an Icelandic bar. When I met you.
H – Where's… Where's my buzz baton…?
O – I couldn't breathe, you wiped my mouth, then I said "hello". You'd
shot me into someone new.
H – Need… to reach…
O – One month later on and I'm still stuck underground. But I still love you!
H – PUT ME–
Buzz.
Bang.
End Verbal Log (extract)
RESTRICTED ACCESS
Document – 3000005
Patient No. 55555 (AFII)
Day ***
Verbal Log (extract)
Door clicks
Dr. A – Aaaah. Feckin' hip.
A – You're late.
Dr. A – Yes, alright. You could have got high in my office
oxygen-chamber while you waited.
A – I did.
Dr. A – Well what's your problem then? You should be relaxed.
A – I am not some Rastafarian monk, Doctor. And this is meant to be my
last session. I want to be out of here before B*****'s Seasonal
Affective Disorder worsens.
Dr. A – Alright, alright then. Just a few things first…
Cards shuffling.
A – Oh God. Not the ink blots.
Dr. A – What?
A – Do you know how horrendously clichéd that is?
Dr. A – Don't care.
Clack
Dr. A – Here. What do you see?
A – I see a cliché.
Dr. A – But what does the cliché suggestto you?
A – That it is card seventeen million six hundred and seventy-eight
thousand eight hundred and sixty-seven.
Dr. A – What?
A - It is card seventeen million six hundred and seventy-eight
thousand eight hundred and sixty-seven. I memorised them all over the
course of our sessions. You never bother shuffling.
Dr. A – But what does the card looklike?
A – I see a monkey with its face on fire attempting to rob a Tesco.
Dr. A – Really?
A – No. I see a toaster that has grown hands and found love in an
unexpected place.
Dr. A – Really?
A – No. I see a pterodactyl transforming slowly into a speaker-phone,
and I think, Doctor, if you check your handbook, that answer
falls inside a healthy parameter.
Dr. A – SCIENCE.
A – What–?
Dr. A – I've had enough of inkblots so I thought I'd try and distract
you with a new, frankly crackpot, idea I've had.
Pause
A – Continue.
Dr. A – Have you ever heard of foreshadowing?
A – Is that a joke? I live on Earth, Doctor, in the sun. I think I
know a little about shadowing...
Dr. A – No, not that type of shadowing. I'm talking about when in a
book, often towards the end of a series, an author will slip something
into the plot line that is so random, and so strange that it hasn't
cropped up before, that actually turns out to drive the entire last
book's storyline.
A – Interesting, but wouldn't that in fact be called "Hallow-ing"?
Dr. A – Whatever. I've been doing a bit of research and it turns out
that there's a giant magical hot-spot right under your house that's
been causing your family to go after fairies for years before you were
even thought of!
A – Really?
Dr. A – I know! It's almost unbelievable! But your own father once had
an affair with a stray dwarf that was drawn to the spot. I imagine he
still dreams of that moment…
A – Good for him. But why was the dwarf drawn to the estate in the first place?
Dr. A – Because of the good vibes the magic gives off. Something
really magicky must have gone off there years ago.
A – And the magicky magic-ness has been pushing the Fowls towards
magic ever since?
Dr. A – Exactly. It's a vicious, very trippy, cycle.
A – And this magicky event. Can you be more specific?
Dr. A – Our records don't stretch that far back. The sacrifice of
Aslan? The forging of the One Ring? I don't think we can ever know for
sure.
Pause
A – Were you deformed as a child?
Dr. A – Why, yes… Yes I was.
A – And were you forced to wear special shoes?
Dr. A – Only on my right tentacles.
A – Well I think that whilst the shoes moved your tentacles back into
their proper alignment, some of the acid must have leaked into your
pelvic girdle. You simply need to ingest sixty pots of petits filous™
and your hip should pose no further problem to you. Here.
Pause
A – I took the liberty of finding a decent yoghurt smuggler that lives
near your area. Apparently he is renowned for his discretion.
Pause
A – So may I go now? Have I fulfilled my commitment?
Pause
Dr. A – Yes. Yes, I'll just get my stamp.
Draw opens.
Dr. A – Now… lean over the desk and stay still.
A – Is this really necessary, Doctor?
Dr. A – We have to be official.
Bang.
A – AH!
Dr. A – Done.
(END VERBAL LOGS)
They were so fun to do. Hope you all enjoyed :)
(Cheers, ILoveFowl!)