Oh, the OOCness... please don't hate me!
Despite all of his progress, he isn't getting his memories back.
He's certain that he was once James Barnes at this point, but he doesn't even have a single memory to prove it.
In hopes of triggering them, he starts asking Steve to tell him about the man. There comes a time when he'd probably be able to narrate Sgt. Barnes' whole life, but only through all the things Steve has told him. No matter how hard he tries –and he does try, every night when he's alone–, he doesn't feel it as his life, but rather as a movie or a book, something he's watched or read but that someone else has lived.
He wonders when will the blond get tired of waiting for his friend to come back, but if the man ever has such thoughts, he hides them well.
Steve tells him about the man he's not anymore.
He tells him about all the times James Barnes took care of him, tells him about the war, about the Howling Commandos… He tells him about rescuing him from Hydra, and how it was absolutely worth the risk, because he wouldn't have been able to live wondering what might've happened to him. And he does not tell him about the fall, maybe because he doesn't want him to feel bad, or pressured, or who knows what, but Bucky knows about it anyway, because he's read the files, and he's not a fool.
And there's also another thing he knows.
Bucky clenches his fists. What is this feeling? Sadness, and anger, and hopelessness all combined into an oppressive knot in his stomach. He's… jealous? He's jealous of a dead man, and the absurdity of the fact only makes him feel worse.
But how could anyone not feel jealous, listening to the way Steve speaks of the man? Bucky curses at him for dying and leaving himself as a poor replacement, and for the first time he really wishes he could be the person Steve needs, the person of whom he speaks with such passion… but he can't, and it hurts.
"You loved him" he says, and it isn't a question, because he knows.
"I still do."
His usage of the present tense makes Bucky wince and feel even worse, so much that it even shows, and the man looks somewhat pained when he speaks, staring at his hands, not meeting the blond's gaze.
"Steve, I… I don't think I'll ever be able to be that man again. I'm sorry. I know you want him back, but I just… You cling to me, waiting for something that's not going to happen, and it doesn't seem fair. You should… You'd be happier if you went back home…"
"What the hell are you saying?"
Steve's voice is harsh, and Bucky looks taken aback for a moment.
"I-I'm not remembering, I'm only just getting closer to being a normal person" he says as an explanation. "Most of the time I'm just trying to keep focused and not start snapping people's necks…"
But Steve angrily grabs onto the front of his shirt and shoves him against the wall, cutting him off.
"Listen to me. Listen to me, for fuck's sake. I've been trying to take this calmly, to let you slowly step out of your comfort zone, and I thought it was working but if you're speaking all this nonsense it obviously isn't, so shock therapy it is. Cut it with the self-pity. You are Bucky. I see him in you all the time. Every time you stop worrying about the Winter Soldier, or about not remembering, or about not meeting some expectations you apparently think I have, you actually become Bucky. The things you do, the way you speak, the thinks you like or the things you don't… it's all Bucky, over and over. So do not feed me that 'your friend isn't coming back' crap, cause you're right here.
"But… Steve…" Bucky's lips are trembling. Steve just doesn't understand. "What defines a man, if not his memories and his actions? I have no memories, and… as for my actions… Steve, I was a weapon."
"Exactly. You were a weapon. And fine, you don't have any memories; so what? You remembered me, and that's enough. We'll just make new ones" he tells him, but Bucky keeps shaking his head. "You're just the same as Bucky was, the same body, the same brain, the same heart. Everything you need to be the same man you once were, you have it in you. You just need to stop fighting it so hard."
"I killed people!"
"Hydra killed people. You've said it yourself, you were a weapon. Weapons don't have free will, they don't make choices, it's the person wielding it who makes the decision. If Hydra wanted those people dead, they would've killed them with or without you; it's what you've done after being free from Hydra what counts. You were a weapon but now you're a man. You're living a normal life, even helping people out, and goddammit you saved my life. I'd say you're doing pretty good…"
Bucky looks like he's on the verge of breakdown.
"But…"
"Stop it. Don't walk the path of self-loathing, please. I've done that. I blamed myself for decades for not being able to catch you when you fell, I still do, and it's not a pleasant road. It's self-destructive. Bucky, please–"
"But I'm not Bucky…" and he looks devastated as he says it.
"You are. I should've been calling you that all along. Please, look at me" the man doesn't look up, so Steve gently lifts his chin. "I don't want you to think you have to change for me. I don't have some expectations you need to meet, I just want you to be the man you are right now, when you feel comfortable enough to truly act like yourself. The Bucky that's before me right now… I like that man, and I don't want him to be any different. I don't want him- I don't want you to pretend you have to be anything else other than just yourself. So will you please stop worrying so much about everything and just let me enjoy the fact that you're actually here with me, alive?"
Bucky can't speak, but he slowly nods, and when Steve pulls him into a bear hug, he feels a little closer to home.
- V7