When dissertation stress meets lunacy. I should not be allowed near a keyboard.

Graaaaagh.

It had been five days since Artemis had been resurrected on the grounds of Fowl Manor. His recovery had been slow, worryingly so. Foaly and Holly had left three days ago, leaving Butler to fret and cope on his own with strict instructions to call the centaur if Artemis's condition took a turn for the worse. So far, apart from a heavy cold and not being able to remember 87% of his life, Butler had found no reason to make such a call.

He entered the bedroom slowly with a tea tray balanced between massive, shovel-like hands.

"Artemis?"

There was a slight stirring in the depths of the bed.

"Artemis? How are you feeling today?"

The covers were flipped back to reveal Artemis fully-dressed in shirt, tie and pencil skirt.

"Androgynous," replied the teenager.

"Right," said Holly, "on a scale of one to ten, one being 'making a cup of tea' and ten being 'kidnapping a fairy', how bat-shit is this plan going to be?"

Artemis carefully lifted the sloth by the armpits.

"One hundred and seven."

"But dying…" Holly frowned. "What… what was that like? I mean, I can't… I can't remember much from Hybras, I was back so quickly it was like nothing had ever happened…"

Artemis shifted, apparently uncomfortable.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," she whispered.

He stared at the carpet.

"At first…" he murmured. "I was afraid." He gave a short, humourless laugh. "I was petrified."

Holly reached out and took his hand in hers.

"Thinking I could never live without you… by my side."

A hairy, beetle-eyed face popped around the door to the room.

"But then I spent so many nights, thinking how you did me wrong!"

"Mulch!" shouted Holly. "Could you get out, please?"

The head retreated.

"Sorry, Artemis, you were saying…"

He swallowed, regaining his composure.

"And I grew strong," he said, "and I learned how to get along…"

Holly smiled. "And now you're back."

"From outer space," he joked.

"I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face!"

"MULCH!"

"Butler."

"A-hmm."

"Would you… Would you mind looking at something for me?"

"Have you broken the toastie machine again?"

"No, it's–"

"Where's the kettle?"

"The kettle is fine. Please, Butler, would you just come with me a moment?"

"Will I need my tool kit?"

"No."

"The defibrillator?"

"No."

"Where are your brothers?"

"I haven't the foggiest. Butler, just–"

"Alright, lead the way."

"Right. Thank you. I only want us to go in here…"

"The bathroom?"

"Yes. Just… there. Alright. Close the door. Right. I wish you to look at… well…Does this look normal to you?"

"Christ– Okay. Could maybe have warned me, Artemis."

"I need your opinion."

"It's fine."

"You didn't even look."

"I think you'd be better off calling for a doctor– And, whoa, there it is again."

"It's orange."

"Yes. Yes, it is."

"Foaly informed me that the only thing wrong with this body was my sixth toe, but this, I believe, is firm evidence as to otherwise."

And so, over the following months, Artemis transformed into a beautiful lizard.

"He's living in Scotland," said Mulch gently. "He's got a job at a boarding school there, a teacher I think. He works a lot with animals."

Butler reached out and stroked the photo of the kindly-eyed, immensely hairy giant on the paper before him.

"Is he happy?"

"I think so."

"Married?"

"Engaged."

The bodyguard put a hand to his mouth and held back tears.

"Do you ever…" he croaked, after taking a moment to control himself. "Do you ever think what would have been if we had kept him?"

Mulch laid a hand on Butler's arm.

"We gave him the chance of a better life."

The bodyguard nodded.

"Oh, Rubeus," he whispered, putting the photograph down.

Yes, Hagrid is their love child (height, hairiness and magic? Who was JK trying to fool?).