Title: Last Thing You'll Do
Author: Calliope-plantain
Rating: M
Pairing:Regina/Emma
Disclaimer: I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.
Storyline: Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.
Author's Note:This chapter … It's the one I've been working towards, and it's emotionally drained me.
Beta: Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she's missed and any feelings of distress are her fault ;)
"The next heart you crush will be mine" – 45-Spacer.
Emma. Regina felt her stomach drop though her heart felt as if it had risen to reside in her mouth. Emma was standing in her door way. Emma was standing in a ridiculous navy blue woollen hat that should never have been seen in public but most certainly shouldn't be worn in July! Her ensemble was completed by a thick black coat Regina hadn't seen before and the brunette was pretty sure the large coat was about to consume the blonde whole. The other woman's attire was not one suitable for Storybrooke in the middle of summer.
"Hi" Emma breathed.
After months of not seeing the blonde, she was standing in front of her; looking oddly dazed herself. Emma was here. How was she here? Regina could literally reach out and touch her. She felt her palm tingle with anticipation of doing just that; except her body wouldn't move. Her brain wasn't working properly. The woman she loved was standing just there. Looking at her with the same admiration as Regina felt. The woman, who had promised her the world and then some, was standing right in front of her. The woman who had kicked her to the gutter was standing inches away from her.
Anger. Betrayal. The two most dominate emotions she'd felt for the last three months surged within her. Feelings she should be used to by now, her life was full of both. She'd just been naïve enough to believe Emma wouldn't cause her further heartache. Her reluctance in starting a relationship with the other woman had not come out of fear of her own pain but the possibility of the suffering she might inflict on the blonde in front of her. How very naïve she had been.
Her brain didn't register the move. It was instinct. The first she was even aware of it was when the door collided with Emma's foot. Regina had tried to slam the door, a move that Emma had seen coming and had counteracted by jamming her own foot in the way.
Emma had always known her better than she believed anyone would. It was a blessing most of the time but right now it was curse. She shoved the door as hard as she could against the intruding foot but it didn't close. Regina did however hear Emma's groan of pain. "Regina just listen to me", Emma demand pleadingly and Regina could feel the blonde's attempt to push the door open. Emma's voice was proof she was really there. Regina did not want her here and yet she can feel her whole body was on fire both to consume the former Sheriff in love and hatred. To cause a pain like she'd inflicted upon her.
Regina's body shook with the excursion of trying to keep the door closed and willing herself not to let the woman on the other side in. Into her home, and back into her heart. A place she'd never left. "You are no longer welcome nor wanted here Miss Swan" Regina lied through gritted teeth as anger and shock battled from within. Instead of verbal response all she heard was Emma's grunt as the door shook once again.
She did not want Emma here. Emma had left. Regina had spent over three months trying to hate the other woman, something which she couldn't do. As much as she had tried to fight the love she felt for Emma in the beginning and failed; her desire to make it so much easier for herself and hate the woman who'd left her was just as impossible. Anger. Blame. Hurt and betrayal, those she could feel. But hatred was something she could not feel no matter how hard she tried.
"Regina please just let me in and talk to me…and stop trying to break my foot!" Emma said her voice carrying more authority than when she'd last spoken. Their almost silent game of reverse tug of war with the door continued for only a few more moments before Regina moved away completely from the door. She did not need to look to know that Emma came crashing into the hallway nor to know the door was nearly being ripped from its hinges.
"I will not have you causing a disturbance on my porch Miss Swan. The town does not need more idle gossip" Regina spoken evenly as if giving a mayoral speech, though her heart was racing so fast it made her feel faint. The cider in her system was not helping her, and she could tell it would not be her friend this evening. She could not look at the other woman. She wouldn't look at the other woman.
She felt her anxiety rise as she heard the front door close behind her. Irrational anxiety perhaps but she did not like the feeling of being enclosed with Emma. Her anger seemed to pulse through her veins and even through the haze of her emotions she felt fear. Fear of what she might do the other woman. Both fear of hurting her, and fear of succumbing to the natural pull Emma had upon her.
Emma did not speak. Regina could feel her presence behind her. Could almost taste it in the air. Silence followed the metallic click of the lock upon the door being turned. Nothing. It felt almost as if the last five minutes hadn't happened. It felt as if Regina was once again alone with her thoughts and memories, in this empty old house. "Come to pick up the last of your belongings?" Regina addressed the base of the stairs, her tone hazardously still. She would not give Emma the satisfaction of knowing the pain and joy she felt at having her home. Except this was no longer her home.
"No. I came because we need…" Emma said and Regina had to fight the instinct to flinch at the volume of it. Emma was right behind her.
"Henry isn't here" Regina said cutting across the other woman trying to remain calm though even she heard the slight unsettled tone to her voice. She hoped Emma didn't hear it. Turning to see her former lover for the first time since she'd opened the door she felt an ambivalence she could not explain. Annoyance and fury that the woman was here in her hallway, taking off her outer garments; making herself at home in a place she no longer had any rights to. Happiness and gratefulness that she was here…in her hallway, making herself at home in place she should have never have left.
She wasn't meant to be thankful to see the woman before her. She wasn't meant to be watching her remove her coat and imagining taking the traitorous woman in her arms. But her prohibited thoughts were interrupted as the coat slid off Emma's shoulders and she momentarily surprised to see the body beneath the garment. Regina supposed the lack of Granny's bear claws and the "exciting" daily physical exertions of being a bail bondswoman would result in Emma's slight frame. Even her face looked faintly gaunt.
"I know. I saw him at Mom's" Emma said as she removed that ghastly and completely pointless woollen hat. Regina's second surprised came in the form of Emma's short hair as it was released from its unnecessary prison. It was a longer than the style Snow had come to favour, closer perhaps in the length Regina herself had donned in recent years. The resemblance between mother and daughter however was astounding. Regina had heard people sometimes had a complete makeover when a relationship ended but she certainly hadn't expected Emma to change her appearance so drastically. In just three months. Her Emma really wasn't standing in her hallway.
"Snow of course. You didn't come here first. You saw your son by chance" Regina spat and saw Emma jump slightly though to her credit never broke eye contact. Emma rarely did back down from a fight. It had only been in the last month of their relationship Regina had seen Emma at times become completely submissive in arguments. Arguments she, Emma had started. It was almost as if she believed deserved it. Three months of reflection had done as much harm to Regina as it had good. What she would do with the knowledge gained…
"Even three months away and you still pick her over us" Regina continued with as much venom as she could. Screw not showing Emma the damage she'd done. She would show her it. She was make her feel it. Feel it right down to the core of her being. Feel it so deep she'd feel like she was suffocating and she might even come close to feeling as Regina had been feeling since the blonde had walked out of her life.
"Are you sure you should be here Emma, did mommy give you permission?" she spat mockingly and she watched as Emma shifted. She watched as the other woman seemed to almost move into defence mode. Regina wanted to fight. She wanted Emma to fight back. She did not want the woman to give up so easily. She wanted her to fight.
"For god's sake Regina" Emma barked back. Any other time egina would been have fighting a laugh at the familiar way Emma's fingers ran through her hair in annoyance and disbelief at something Regina was saying. Except it wasn't funny. Her Emma, the Emma who wrote stupid love post it notes and dragged her down frozen beaches in the middle of December was not the one standing in front of her. Her Emma, who had talked of children and their future in whatever form it held, was not the one that walked out of the Sherriff office that day. She was not the woman standing in front of her; it seemed that woman was lost forever.
"I knew Henry would be there, Mom told me. I wasn't picking anything or anyone over anyone else. I never did", Emma said loudly though the tone was not of anger but of desperation. Again green eyes never left her. They watched as Regina's hands balled at her side. They watched though could not understand the emotions surging beneath Regina's skin. Emotions Regina herself could not explain. She wanted to believe Emma. She wanted to, so badly.
She could easily throw this woman out of her home. Whether it was physically or magically, she could do it. Part of her wanted to. Most of her wanted to. But there was that part. That part that had begged Emma to stay. That part that had allowed her to cry herself to sleep, clutching her lover's pillow as she fell into dreams about what would never come true. A part of her that wanted to hear it all. Hear the excuses…the apologises. The pleas of forgiveness. Would any of it come?
She needed another drink. She gave no command for the blonde to stay or follow as she turned and walked to her study. The sound of footfalls behind her told her Emma was at least following her this far. She was glad for a moment that she'd just vacated this room; it was still lit meaning she did not need to turn on the light. Light was very much needed after ten o'clock at night.
"Do you want one?" Regina shot over her shoulder as she made her way over to the previously discarded glass and decanter. It was of a courteous gesture rather than a desire for Emma to drink her cider.
"No I'm good thanks" was Emma's reply. Her asking was merely a gesture of good will and Emma's refusal of a drink with her did not harm or hurt her in anyway. Except it did. Emma never declined. Not even on her first night in Storybrooke. Not even when they were in a full blown row Regina would offer Emma a drink and she would accept and things would either get on better or worse; usually the former with added alcohol.
She heard the couch squeak as Emma sat down; Regina busied herself with her glass of cider. If Emma didn't want one then it was of no ill consequence to her.
"I'm sorry…for hurting you" Emma said so softly if the room had not been so deathly silent the brunette might not have even heard it. Tears filled her blurring her vision. She was sorry. Emma meant it; Regina could hear it in her voice. She felt her breathe catch in her chest. Turning she allowed for the first time since Emma had turned up at her door her emotions show. Anger was still present, but it wasn't the only emotion. Sadness and happiness too. Even she knew that those emotions meant she cared and she saw Emma's face see that recognition too. She had never stopped caring.
"Are you sorry you left?" Regina asked glass now in hand. She needed that reassurance. She needed to hear Emma say the words, but her heart was beating so hard she doubted she would hear the other woman's answer over the drumming in her own ears.
But it wasn't loud enough and part of her wished it was. "I had reasons why I left Regina. I don't regret leaving no, I do wish that I didn't have to", was Emma's sincere answer.
Anger and frustration overcame the former Queen. Frustration which only ever came when trying to talk to this woman. Clearly Emma's time away had not made the woman see sense. Regina had at least hoped that if Emma ever did come back she would have learnt something and that the time apart would have been worth it. All the evidence however seemed to contradict that assumption.
Regina briefly considered putting her front up. Followed by the idea of allowing her anger to fuel the situation but she wouldn't be surprised if Emma ended up being thrown through the wall behind the couch she was seating on. She would not beg. She would not beg for answers and she would not beg this woman to stay in her life. If Emma did not want to be in it, then that was her decision.
She would however let Emma know the pain, and hurt she's left behind in her wake. That was the one vulnerability she would allow herself. Emma had already seen the tears…perhaps she already knew. But Regina did want… no need answers. She deserved that. Maybe that was why Emma was sitting in the house she used to live in. She finally believed Regina deserved her answers … even if it was the real goodbye she had never received.
"As I recall telling you, you did not need to leave. You chose to leave of your own accord", Regina said her voice still, which was more than could be said for the liquid in her glass as her hands shook. As hard as she tried she could not pull a deep breath in. Her chest would hurt less if only she could breathe. Her chest…her heart would hurt less if only she could make Emma understand. It was not up to her to make her understand, and yet all she wanted to do is shake the woman and make her see.
"Yes I did" Emma replied, sitting forward as her own hands came to rest upon her lap. Regina allowed her eyes to close; she could not look at her. She wanted to throttle her at the moment, or just shake her. Hard. Eyes still closed Regina brought the glass up to her lips and drained the cider from within. She felt the slight tingle as she gulped it down. It was not meant to be knocked back, it was to be sipped and tonight she did not give a damn. She span around and put the glass down forcefully on the small table; and resisted the urge to have another.
Eyes opened now she could feel the unshed tears burning them. She could feel the bile in her stomach starting to rise. She was not weak. She would not be weakened by this woman. If Emma was not remorseful for her actions then Regina had little time for her. Except she wanted to have the time. She wanted Emma…to want her.
"I trusted you" Regina said her voice shaking. Even to her ears she heard the undertone of hurt and disgust. Disgust at Emma. Disgust at herself for having such a weakness. "Henry trusted you and you just left. You abandoned us" the former mayor continued her voice now laced with disbelieving resentment. Her knuckles were turning white with the force in which she held onto the small wooden table. She held on for stability. For strength.
She took a deep breath before turning around once again making sure that the now plastered mayoral smile was fixed upon her face. The faux smile almost slipped off completely at look of defeat upon the blonde's face. Emma had hurt in her ways she had never dreamed she would. She had given her the power to hurt her, and trusted her not to…and she had. She had betrayed what they had, and treated it as if it was nothing. Emma clearly did not care for the damaged she had caused. So Regina went in for the kill. "Better than anyone I would have thought you know how that feels" the former Queen said her voice laced with revulsion.
She watched as Emma's eyes flashed just for a moment. She saw hurt and surprise. It was there just for a moment before it was gone; then a blank stare took it place. Regina wanted to hit her. Wanted to scream at her. She wanted a fight. She wanted Emma to do something, say something that would prove her right. Hopefully, prove her wrong.
"I did what I had to", Emma said her voice thick, the only evidence of the hurt within.
"You were coward" Regina spat, feeling an odd sense of glee in sound of Emma's voice. The feeling only increased when the emotions reached the jade eyes; and it spurred her on as she ignored the spark of guilt. "Why I was so surprised, I don't know. You never stay…" she continued her voice rising with each word.
"You have no idea what I've gone through" Emma shouted across her, the first sign of fight in the other woman since she tried to open the door against Regina's will. A fight was what Regina would revel in.
"Whose fault is that?" Regina exclaimed in disbelief. Of course she didn't know. She had no god damn idea what Emma had been going through because her partner had tossed her aside like she was yesterday's trash. "I told you…you had me. I was right here…YOU choose to leave. Not me." she barked spitefully. She was not going to take the blame for this. Regina may have had a hand in Emma leaving, god she could be the reason she left, but she would not be held responsible for her leaving. Emma was an adult and had made her own decisions. "I never thought you would become Neal" Regina quipped sickeningly without thought.
"I am not Neal" Emma said through gritted teeth; though Regina could see it wasn't in anger but to stop the tears from falling.
"Leaving me to look after your child completely on my own … sounds like exactly like him" Regina replied sardonically.
Her eyes. They showed the pain. It was more than she had expected to see. The pain Regina had wanted to inflict. The same pain that measured equal to her own. It didn't feel as good as she believed it would. The hurt in her former lovers' eyes just made her feel guilty and ashamed.
Emma stood with a sob before storming out of the room. Regina had known the blonde wouldn't fight for long, but she certainly didn't expect her to give up so early. She waited for the front door to slam, except it never came. The next noise came from the other side of the house. From the kitchen.
Regina took a shaking breath before she followed the noises she could hear. By the running water she guessed Emma was making herself a drink. An assumption which was confirmed when Emma came into sight. Upon the countertop was Emma's cup. The only thing it seemed which had evaded Regina's evacuation of Emma's belongings. Well their removal to the garage. She'd seen that green mug every day for almost two years and it had never occurred to her to throw it out when Emma left. It had become part of her morning routine. Part of her everyday life, much as Emma should still be.
She saw Emma freeze for a moment before Henry's orange juice was added to the forgotten mug. Regina wondered for a moment if she should apologise for her harsh words. She hadn't meant them. Actually she did. What Emma had done to her was no better than what Neal had done to her except Emma was here. She was being overly cryptic and painfully blind to everything around her, but she was here.
She watched silently as Emma popped two small yellow tablets onto the counter, and then with practiced skill picked both up pushed them to the back of her throat before washing them down with the juice. Only a trace of disgust at the taste of the tablets graced Emma's face. A feat all in itself as Regina had witnessed both Emma and their son trying … and failing to take medication in the past.
She watched as Emma hung her head slightly as the cup was placed back down. The former sheriff's hand rose to thread its finger through Emma's now shortened tresses and stopped with a slight massage to the back of Emma's own neck. Even Regina couldn't ignore the small flinch the other woman gave at the movement.
"I see your vacation did nothing for your headaches" Regina snipped ensuring any concern or guilt she felt for the other woman was not in her tone.
Emma rolled her head slightly to the left then the right, her hand still clamped to the back of her neck. It was unusual to see Emma's hair so short, and watch it bounce slightly with every movement on its owners head. Her hair looked darker too, though it may have been the brightness of the kitchen.
"No" Emma replied her tone was crisp but even. It did nothing to ease Regina guilt; though she felt her annoyance rise once again. "They're nothing on those. They were like the warm up. It wasn't a vacation, Regina" Emma all but reprimanded her. No it wasn't a vacation it was her "find herself" time, Regina thought angrily. Regina was a mother, much like Emma was meant to have been for the last three months. Regina couldn't just go wandering off when life got too hard. She has responsibilities. She had her family to look after.
"Yes from what I hear from Henry your stress free time away, was anything but stress free" Regina quipped, causing Emma to finally look at her front on. Regina watched as those lines formed just above the younger woman's eyes, the ones that formed when she was thinking hard.
"You could say that again" Emma said softly with a slight laugh that held no humour. Regina stood looking at the woman who looked so different from the one she had known. Both had stood this very kitchen arguing and making up little over three months ago though they were polar opposite to each other now. It was now Regina stood in the doorway, and Emma leaning against the countertop. Yet Regina still didn't understand how they'd gotten so far from where they'd been.
She couldn't keep looking at the woman who simply looked backed at her as if she'd kicked her puppy. Regina had blamed herself enough over the last months. Blamed herself for not seeing the signs, for not fighting hard enough…for not being enough. She couldn't stand and hear Emma blame her too. And yet she craved it. So she broke eye contact. She walked to the door off to the side of the room. A small turn of the lock opened the door to the garage; and there by the door exactly where she had left it was Emma's forgotten things. A box filled with things it seemed Emma was in too much a rush to remember.
She bent down to pick up the box. She could feel Emma's eyes upon her, almost burning into her. Gazing down at the items the box contained she felt her chest constrict, as memories of each item's reveal around the house made an appearance at the forefront of her mind. Most of the items had been clothes, but each item in itself had had at least one memory attached to it. At least one happy memory which tore at Regina's soul to remember it, and yet Emma had left it all behind.
Calming her emotions and tone, Regina turned standing up right to look at the other woman again. She looked at Emma and saw her take in the box, before her eyes rose once again to meet her own gaze. Regina took a moment before asked pointedly "Miss Swan what exactly do you want?" Regina noted much to her displeasure Emma did not flinch at the name. In fact she seemed to have been expected it. Regina did not enjoy calling the blonde her title. It felt foreign in her mouth now, only using it to get a rise from Emma. Even that pleasure it seemed Emma had taken away from her. As the seconds ticked on under Emma's gaze, the box in her hands seemed to get slowly heavier. Much like the air around them as Emma fidgeted but did not break eye contact.
"I came home" Emma whispered, though she may have well have screamed for the force it knocked Regina back. Three little words and they nearly crippled her. Emma stepped forward towards her sorrow trapped within her eyes and once again the feeling of being trapped fell upon Regina. This time it provoked fury.
"Home!" Regina spat angrily and watched as Emma recoiled the inches she'd tried to gain over her. This was Regina and Henry's home. It had stopped being Emma's the day she walked out. The day she'd left it without ever planning to come back. She lost the right to lay claim on anything in this damn house, including her. "This is most certainly is not your home Miss Swan", Regina continued bitterly as she watched the blonde's stature shrink and for once she did not care. She could feel her hands shake as she gripped the box within them, feeling the cardboard flex against the pressure she was forcing upon it.
"You made that perfectly clear the day you left There is nothing left here for you anymore, remember" the former Queen hissed her tone laced with mockery. Regina remembered. She remembered every second of that day. Every word. The memory of each ticking second was burnt into her brain, and she was forced to relive it in her darkest, loneliness moments. She remembered, and it was torture. Torture she forced upon herself so she could understand. Understand what she had done, what she should have done. How she would have made it better, how she could have been better. Except she wasn't. She never had been. "You made it crystal clear you didn't give a damn about me" Regina snarled though her voice did not carry the authority it should have. The pain inside was crippling.
Her blood boiled, and she felt more anger than she could remember feeling in a long time. What was worse was the feeling of no control. She needed control. Her magic buzzed beneath her skin. It felt as if it was screaming. Screaming to rip the blonde in front of her to shreds; and for a moment it terrified her.
She thrust the box with all her might at the other woman who was just standing look at her open mouthed. She didn't even have the decency to lie. To say it wasn't true. She just stood and looked back at her with the same damn moronic look as her mother. The alcohol in her system hindered her aim but she still managed to hit her mark. Straight at Emma's chest. The flimsy box seemed to explode on impact showering the kitchen in Emma's belongings.
The t-shirt Regina had taken to sleeping in the first month of the blonde's absence however caught on one of Emma's shoulder. She watched as the shock of Regina words and actions caught up with the emerald eyes looking back at her. She saw the moment they darkened, and anger flared in them. Real anger. Anger that seemed to burn into her. Regina could see other emotions whirling around Emma's features, she could see the battle in Emma's face and wanted to scream.
"What the hell Regina?" Emma shouted. She ripped the hanging t-shirt from her shoulder and threw it back at Regina with so much force it took all her willpower not to jump. Not to show weakness. Emma stepped out of the debris of her former life. Stepped over it as if it was nothing. The blonde stepped towards her and Regina felt her hands ball at her side.
"You told me!" Emma all but screamed at her this time. The eyes looking at her no longer looked angry. That emotion had drifted on. They now shone with desperation.
"What?" Regina bite back. She crossed her arms so tightly it hurt. She would not be intimidated and she would not let this woman see her weakness. She had allowed herself to be foolish, and let this woman in. She couldn't…wouldn't do that again.
"You told me you would let me leave if I said I didn't love you", Emma said her voice now cracking with the emotions Regina would not let herself feel for her in return. Except with Emma it always the emotions she did not want to feel that pushed themselves to forefront. Emma had a way of banging down her defences whether Regina wanted her to or not. What did that mean? Did Emma still love her? Impossible. She wouldn't have left if she did.
"You weren't going to let me go otherwise", her former lover said thickly. Thinking back Regina realised Emma was right. She had said that. She had said that one thing she believed would make Emma stay. She hadn't realised she'd all but handed her the ammunition to destroy their life together. Emma had only said she didn't love Regina so she could leave. She'd said it knowing Regina would let her leave. That made no sense. Why had she wanted to leave?
"Why would you want to leave at all?" Regina asked hearing her own voice crack so similar to Emma's just moments before. None of this made any sense. It hadn't made sense at the time, and it made less sense now. She could understand if Emma no longer loved her. She hadn't wanted to believe it…she couldn't believe it, but if that was how Emma felt she wouldn't have gotten over it; but she would have survived. Yet here Emma was…saying it was all a lie.
"I told you, I didn't want to hurt you…keep hurting you", the blonde said staring her right in the eye. Ever the martyr… no the saviour. The familiar feeling of exasperation hit her full force. So hard she just wanted to cry and scream in frustration. She no longer had anything to throw at the blonde, though she desperately wanted to.
"So leaving was your obvious solution" Regina exclaimed in disbelief with a wave of her hand. She could hear her blood pounding in her ears; now she was getting a headache.
"Yes!" Emma yelled back her voice sounding hoarse.
She couldn't. She couldn't keep doing this. Talking to this woman no longer made sense. Emma no longer made sense. If what Emma was saying was true, she still loved Regina. Or she had when she'd left. She'd loved her and still walked away. She had stood, watched the woman she loved beg and plead for her to stay; and was still able to walk out of the building and drive away. She had done that.
"That's ludicrous" the brunette cried back. She searched the mess of emotions she could see upon Emma's face. Just searched; searched for answers she didn't know if Emma knew. She felt bewildered, and so lost. None of this was making sense. "You didn't want to stay and hurt me, so instead you broke my heart and left?" Regina asked slowly trying to gain some clarification. Maybe she had gotten it wrong; misinterpreted Emma's words.
"Yes", the other woman replied though her tone was much lower than it had been previously, though the force was still there. The force that was demanding that Regina understood. Emma's face…her eyes begged her to understand. How could she? How could she understand any of this? It was baffling and it hurt her brain. It hurt to even think, and Emma's puppy dog eyes weren't helping.
"I don't … I don't want to hear this" the brunette said softly with a shake of her head. It was too late to have this conundrum forced upon her, and she'd had too much to drink to even try and solve it. "Please just get out of my house" Regina said trying to keep her tone schooled as she pushed passed the other woman.
"No" Emma said with a tone of absolute defiance. Why had Regina let her in? That was the ultimate question.
She turned on her heel and saw once again the sad eyes looking back at her. The broken eyes of a damaged woman. A woman she would have given her life to save if only Emma had allowed it. "I said get out!" Regina shouted though she heard the hint of the tears she could feel burning behind her eyes in her voice.
"Not before you listen to me" Emma said boldly though her face told Regina she did not have the strength nor the conviction, her tone of voice suggested.
"You have nothing worth saying that I want to hear" the former queen said harshly.
"Yes I do, and I can guarantee you want to hear because if you don't you'll regret it for the rest of your life" Emma said so softly, almost kindly it stung her heart. Emma had no right to demand this of her. She had no right to do any of this. She had hurt her enough. Emma had caused enough damage. Why would she not just leave her alone?
"No!" Regina snapped and saw Emma's eyes widen. "What I regret is you!" she spat so forceful she saw beads of spit fly out of her mouth. She was livid, and she was pissed off. She watched as Emma stepped back, and Regina advantaged after her. "Letting you into mine and Henry's lives. Letting you into my bed, heart and home!" she seethed, her voice almost seemed to echo around the small room. "I regret you. I can't believe I trusted you!" the brunette screamed feeling her rage burn her inside out.
Stepping forward she kicked Emma's belonging out of the way. She shoved Emma backwards as hard as she could and heard the thud as the blonde connected with the counter behind her. Regina saw the flash of pain and fear in her love's eyes, as she swallowed the bile that rose in her throat. The same look Henry had given her when she's shouted at him for using Emma's name.
"I gave everything to you, Emma! Every single part of me!" Her tone was ebbing to desperation. Desperation for Emma to understand. Understand what she had done. What was worse was the look in the other woman's eyes. Complete understanding. She was already bare…completely naked in front of the woman she'd given total control to, what was one more confession. "I was even going to propose" Regina admitted the fire burning out and slumped slightly, realising she was pressed up against Emma. She could feel her. She could smell her. Feel her heart beating even faster than her own.
She expected to see surprise in the other woman's eyes but all she saw was more sadness; and it broke her even further. "I know… I found the ring" Emma whispered. Her blood ran cold, and her vision seemed to blur around the edges, as she clung to counter behind Emma.
"You … what…?" Regina asked in disbelief. "When?" she asked before Emma could even open her mouth to answer. She'd bought the ring shortly after Christmas when Emma had confessed to thinking about their future. She'd been amazed at the idea that Emma had put time and effort into considering what her future was going to be like; and wanted Regina in it. Wanted her to be in her plan. Emma Swan the woman, who ran, had made that commitment and had been honest enough to share it. Then it had all gone so terribly wrong and Regina hoped and waited for the right time. She wanted for things to go back, back to how they were. Then she would ask; and it would have been perfect.
"The night before I left" Emma breathed as if the words caused her physical pain.
Regina heard her own gasp before Emma's words even had time to register. Register their meaning. She felt winded. Emma's admission hurt more than if she'd ripped out Regina's heart and crushed it under the heel of her boot. She'd…she'd found it. She'd found it and left. Oh god. Regina had been the reason she'd left; because she hadn't meant it. She hadn't meant it when she'd said she wanted Regina in her future. She did not want to share her life with her. It all made sense now.
Pushing away from the counter she felt her face contort with the pain from within. The tears burned her eyes, she wouldn't let Emma see. She wouldn't give her the satisfaction. Gritting her teeth painfully hard she allowed herself a few deep breathes before turning back round to the woman who was still leaning against the countertop where Regina had left her. "You…" Regina started cursing the hurt undertone in just her first word. "If you didn't want to marry me you could have just said. Leaving town was a little extreme" Regina continued thankful her voice seemed stilled though her insides were reeling.
Emma's mouth widened, though not as far as her eyes did. "What …?" the former sheriff asked clearly confused. The shortened blonde hair moved as Emma shook her head vigorously. "No... Regina… I did. I do. Just listen to me" the woman begged reaching out towards her. Regina would not seek comfort in the woman. She wouldn't give either of them the pleasure in it.
Dodging the evading hand, Regina snared. "Awfully sure of yourself aren't you". She did not want to hear promises and pleasantries from this woman. She had believed her when she had said it last time; she would not be fooled again. It was very clear that Emma did not want to be Regina's wife. A fact that hurt so deeply it was hard to even keep breathing, but she would not break down in front of Emma.
"Now you want to talk. You never listened to me" Regina exclaimed angrily. "I begged you to stay Emma and you still walked away. I rang you repeatedly and you never answered…you never rang back. So no dear. You don't get tell me to listen to you" Regina finished in disgust.
Emma stepped forward and seemed unfazed by the glare Regina was shooting right at her. The hand that came to rest upon her forearm seemed to ignite Regina's skin. Just as it always had. "I know you did, and I'm sorry but I couldn't ring you" Emma responded so quietly Regina wasn't sure if she'd heard it or imagined the words.
"Why the hell not?" Regina barked, cursing herself for once again letting her pain show, as she ripped her arm out of Emma's grasp. Then realisation caught Regina square in the chest. It almost crushed her beneath its weight. "You listened to the voicemails didn't you?" Regina asked hoarsely. The shaken breath that fell from Emma's lips was enough of an answer; she did not need the nod that followed.
"You listened to them" Regina said in disbelief. "I cried and begged you Emma. I…How could I have been so stupid to believe anything you've said to me these last two years" the former mayor continued feel the irritation at herself clawing at her insides. She had been so damn foolish. She had been right to not let this woman into her heart, and she had believed very word that had come out Emma's mouth, and had cast away her doubts readily. Idiot!
"You listened to me in that amount of pain and you didn't want to stop it" Regina said, finally breaking. The tears were going to fall either way, and Emma wasn't going to leave until she'd said her part. So she'd let them. She would let Emma feel guilty, if she even cared enough to feel that.
"I did!" Emma shouted making a grab for Regina's arm yet again, though this time the older woman was quicker.
"Not badly enough!" Regina answered her tone flared. "Whatever happened to the woman I loved?" She asked Emma incredulity as she felt the tears fall silently down her face.
"I'm standing right here, Regina" the blonde said quietly, though she made no move to take her arm again. The older woman almost hated her for not trying to comfort her, once again.
"I asked you to stay, you didn't. I told you not to come back and yet here you are. Clearly your incompetence at following simply instruction has not improved" Regina snarled in revulsion. "You left me and Henry. The woman I loved would never have done that" the brunette continued as if Emma had never spoken.
"You have every right to be angry with me" the blonde said, her tone suggesting she was trying to reason with her. As if Regina was almost being unreasonable. She had every right to feel angry and hurt. She was both. She wasn't acting nor feeling irrational.
"Thank you dear for your permission" she retorted bitterly.
"Urgh … that's not what I meant" the other woman said with a slight whine to her voice. Yet again the familiar drag of Emma's hand through her fair hair in frustration made Regina's stomach flip. The gesture almost…normal.
"What exactly do you mean Miss Swan", she prodded coolly.
"I understand. I would be too" the saviour said softly, almost agonizingly so.
"Except I wouldn't put you through the same hell you've put me through", Regina shot, venom and hurt in equal measure lacing each word. "I most certainly wouldn't …what lie about loving you? I don't even know anymore because it's clear you don't love me" Regina said uncertainly, and she hated herself that uncertainty. She hated herself for showing her vulnerability once again.
The blond shot her a stunned look, which was accompanied with an open mouth. "I do love you Regina…." It made her heart skip the familiar old sensation. Her traitorous heart heard the words and made her feel them. Why did Emma have to look so endearing, so scared and desperate to be believed; and why did Regina want nothing more than to do just that.
"You left me standing there Emma. You left and never looked back" Regina screamed. Silence seemed to hang on the air around them; if there was any air left in the kitchen it turned cold at the screamed pain held words. "You didn't even kiss me goodbye" she continued her voice betraying her further by cracking.
"Regina…" the woman breathed as if she was going to object in some way.
"You just disappeared off the face of the earth, but not to your precious mother" Regina half sneered, ignoring Emma's interruption once again. Her heart was pounding in her chest, and she was almost certain it was trying to escape. "She was obviously supportive enough … you know just has she has been since we got together" the former mayor quipped cruelly, and saw Emma buckle under her reasoning. Snow had never shown one ounce of support towards Emma nor their relationship since it had begun.
Regina paused for a moment, and realised that Emma had in fact been referring to Snow as her mother. Something she had done so rarely before, it struck her as odd that she had just realised. It had taken Emma to break up with her for Snow to finally give her nod of approval. The approval Emma had already strove for from her mother. "Was that it? Snow dictated and you went running, made you see sense. No one should love ever the Evil Queen" the brunette tried to train her tone but it carried her darkest secret anyway. It told Emma exactly what she had feared since the day she'd left.
"What! No Regina. No" Emma said loudly her, pleading her to understand that was not true. Just as she had done the day in the Sheriff's office three months ago. That had been her biggest fear. It always had been. That Emma would eventually realise what a foul and unlovable person she had agreed to be with. Just as Emma's eyes always did they spoke volumes. They told her it wasn't true, that she didn't believe that.
"Then what!" she shouted and for the first time she heard only pain her voice. It no longer carried the anger that had been bubbling away under the surface. It only held her distress and grief. Her sorrow and inability to understand.
"I want to explain. Explain everything. But... When I do everything will change. You won't...you won't look at me the same", Emma furthered looking far more serious than Regina had ever seen her; in a relationship or otherwise. Emma looked as if she was about to explode, though it would not have been in anger. The tears which clung to the dark eyelashes seemed to be waiting. Waiting for Emma to give up the fight to keep them in and there was nothing Regina could do but stand and wait for that moment too. Just had she had been doing for months.
"Everything has already changed. It changed the second you walked away three months ago" Regina said a little less forcefully than she would have liked; but she saw the first of the blonde's tears fall as if she'd screamed them.
"God Regina! I am trying to explain" Emma shot back. The blonde's face distorted in pain and genuine sorrow. It was aimed straight at her; and it was in that moment she realised it hadn't been her trying to stop Emma from talking. It had been Emma herself, because much as Regina had expected she didn't know how to explain. How to give the answers Regina craved.
"I don't know how" the blonde whispered weakly. "I don't know how to tell you. I'm being selfish. But I need to tell you. I need you" Emma seemed to demand, more to herself than seeking Regina's permission. "Please listen… I need you to listen to me. Please" her ex-partner begged. Regina moved to pull her arm out of Emma's hold once again, and only to feel the grip upon it tighten. "Please. Just let us have this. Please. I'm so sorry" the other woman pleaded as if her very life depended on it. She begged with her with her words, her eyes and soul; and it was heart breaking. She could see the cracks forming, and knew the damn was about to break.
Regina felt her anger ebb for a moment. The former queen loved the woman in front of her, and she had hurt in a way Emma had promised she never would. But looking at the broken woman before her, Regina saw for the first time the true face of the woman she loved. The Emma she hadn't seen the afternoon she'd left Storybrooke. She had last seen her, as the brunette had fallen asleep secure in her arms...only hours before Regina had woken alone. Regina could still feel the residue of toxic anger and betrayal she'd carried with her these lonely months, in the pit of her stomach, but she could not ignore the plea of her love's eyes.
In a moment of weakness Regina gave in. She closed the gap between them and felt Emma's body collide with her own. Her body working separate to her brain, automatically enfolded her arms around the former Sheriff, pulling her close. Emma's head fell into its rightful place in the crux of the brunette's neck. The impact was instantaneous. The blonde's legs seemed to give way causing Regina to fall ungracefully into the other woman as they both crumpled to the ground. Any other time Regina may have considered scolding the other woman, however the muffled scream that fell from the blonde's lips made her heart stop and stomach lurch.
Instinctively she pulled the woman in closer, and could feel Emma's entire body shake. Her Emma truly was broken; and Regina was trying her hardest to keep the shattered pieces together but they were slipping through her fingertips. The grip Emma had upon her was constricting. So much so it was hard to even draw in breath; and her emotions weren't helping either. Tears blurred her vision as she held Emma tightly in her arms. The way they'd landed Regina was almost sitting on Emma's lap, though the grip from the younger woman made it physically impossible for her to move.
Regina placed a gently kiss upon the blonde hair near her face trying to sooth the crying woman but instead she felt Emma's shudders worsen. Regina felt afraid. She was not one to admit it when she was but she was terrified. The former mayor's hand came to rest on the back of Emma's head which was burrowing itself into Regina's shoulder almost painfully so. She didn't know what to do. She had wanted Emma to feel her anguish, yes; but not this. This was agony. Her heart was racing impossibly fast and she was lost sitting on the half upon the hard cold ground and half upon the woman she loved completely out of her depth.
"I've got you" Regina whispered and heard Emma's whimper in return.
"I'm so sorry" Emma wept, and god did she mean it. It physically hurt Regina to hear it. To hear the pain and the sorrow in the woman's voice. She was truly sorry. Regina could feel the woman's tears soaking her blouse.
"Tell me" Regina whispered, letting her fingertips play with the feathered ends of Emma's hair, trying to sooth the distraught woman. Nothing Emma said could feel as bad as it felt holding Emma, unable to do a thing. She had to know whatever was causing Emma such pain. Emma needed to share it. Whatever it was, they could deal with it once the blonde said it.
She felt Emma shift, but all she did was turn her head. It enabled Emma to pull herself closer still to Regina. The former Queen could feel the woman's shuddering breath against the base of her throat. She heard the breath shudder further still, deafening loud next to her ear though the voice that followed was so quiet it startled her. "The night before I left…I went to see Whale, again. I…He'd…He'd found a brain tumour", Emma said thickly, releasing the burden she'd carried alone for almost four months.