Disclaimer: Don't own anything but the slightly changed plotline.

Okay, I just wanted to get this one out of the way. Also not one of my favorite episodes, so... yeah, a lot of stuff is skipped and it's kind of short, so...

"Yeah," Kelso grinned excitedly from inside his new van as he turned the radio onto a rock station, "Even the radio works!" He crawled toward the back doors, exclaiming, "And all the doors... They open!"

He hopped out, standing next to Fez, Jackie, and Hyde. Hyde leaned against the basketball net pole, an arm slung over Jackie's shoulders; they were both giving the van a disgusted look, though Kelso was too excited to notice.

He pointed inside the van, "And it's got breaks, too!"

He walked around the van, speaking in excitement, "Can you believe this? I mean, my uncle, he just gave it to me! He just gave it to me for free!"

"That is insane," Fez exclaimed as he walked toward the van's open window, "I would pay tens of dollars for this." He looked inside the van, his face falling, "Or not."

Hyde brushed passed Jackie, looking in as well, his face scrunching up, "Did he own a cat?"

"Yeah, I'm gettin' an air freshener."

"Yeah, get a big one," Eric muttered.

"Guys, guys," Kelso tried to explain to them, "This thing is like a bedroom on wheels! I mean, no more, um, 'Michael, the backseat's too small!' 'Michael, you're on my hair!' 'Michael, you're choking me!' That's over!"

Hyde curled his lip in disgust at that last one, knowing exactly what 'choking' meant. He glanced at Jackie when he felt a tap on his shoulder, catching her confused face, "Steven, what does that mean?"

"Um..." He stuttered; was he really going to have to explain to his innocent, pygmy sized girlfriend what a blow job was? He was gonna kick Kelso's ass for this. "Well," He mumbled, "You see, Jackie, sometimes... a lot of couples like to... ugh... stuff," He finished bluntly, quickly walking away from her toward Fez and Eric, ignoring the confused look she sent him as Bob, Midge, and Donna walked up the driveway.

"Wow," Bob said, "Look at this piece of junk."

"Ugh!" Kelso exclaimed, "That's my van!"

Bob laughed a little before his face fell when he saw Kelso's serious look, "Yeah? You know, I had a Ford delivery van in high school. Yeah, it's a lot of fun till somebody gets pregnant."

Midge shot him a look, turning her eyes upward in annoyance.

"You gotta be careful in this van Kelso, you know what I mean?"

"An idiot would know what you mean," Midge muttered.

"What'd you mean?" Kelso asked, and Midge tilted her head back in exasperation.

"Sell the van, kid."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Midge said.

"That I'm happy," Bob said irritantly.

"Alright, you know what?" Donna said, herding them away, "Shouldn't you guys be meditating or something?"

Behind the van, Fez sprawled out in the flatbed, and Hyde rested a foot on the edge, wrapping an arm around Eric's shoulders as he walked over, "C'mere, Forman."

"I want you to feast your eyes on this very large and flat cargo area," He said.

"Wow, you could haul plywood in this," Eric said, and Hyde shook his head a little, grinning in amusement.

"Right," He said, "Or Donna."

"Why would I wanna haul-Oh!" Eric exclaimed in realization, making Hyde chuckle a little and pat him on the chest, "Nah, she wouldn't do it in a van, she wants it to be special."

"Hey," Jackie smiled as she and Donna walked over, standing next to their boyfriends, who stood a little straighter.

"What're you guys talkin' about?" Donna asked.

"Oh, uh," Eric stuttered, "Plywood."

"Good, good," Donna grinned, "Cuz I'm not doin' it in a van. And you know what would make it really special? Not talkin' to your friends about us doin' it."

"Eric," Kitty said nervously as she poured him a glass of orange juice, "Now, today is your father's last day at work." She handed Hyde the pitcher, who took it and began pouring some in all the other glasses for her, "So, my advice to you kids is to just, just, just eat and get out."

"Mrs. Forman, I can hide in the basement," Hyde offered.

"No, no," She shook her head, "I am not gonna make you kids leave without your breakfast. Hey," she turned to Eric, "You know what's fun? A bacon sandwich," she snatched the bacon out of Eric's hand, folding it into a pancake, "Eat it in the car." Eric just gave her a funny look, dropping it all back on the plate as Laurie walked into the kitchen.

"Morning," She said dully, and Kitty moaned in dismay.

"Oh, great," She said, setting more items on the table as Laurie took a seat, "Now you're father's gonna see three mouths he has to feed."

"Ooohhh," Kitty gave a fake smile, "You're wearing your University of Wisconsin sweatshirt."

"Yeah," Laurie answered with a 'duh' tone, "Mother, I went there."

"No, you flunked out of there. You know, you might as well of worn your University of I Wasted My father's Money sweatshirt. Take it off."

Laurie gave her a narrowed eyed look before standing, pulling her sweatshirt up, ignoring the looks Hyde and Eric shot her. Kitty immediately stopped her, pushing her back into her seat.

"Just leave it on," She muttered grouchily.

"She lacks character, Mrs. Forman," Hyde said with a mock tattle tale voice.

"Shut up," Laurie said with a voice filled with attitude, "You are lucky to even live here. You're an orphan."

"She called me a orphan!"

"Laurie," Eric grinned, "Hyde's not an orphan. His mother just abandoned him."

He snickered when Hyde yelled, "Shut up, Forman!"

He released a yelp when Hyde immediately retaliated with a hard punch to the chest, nearly knocking him from his seat.

"Okay, that's it!" Kitty snapped, "Everybody hide in the basement! Go!"

Everyone stood just as Red walked in with a, "Morning," and they froze, glancing over at Kitty. She stared at Red with wide eyes for a long moment before glancing around nervously.

"Amen," She stuttered, "Now everyone sit and eat."

Everyone took their places at the table, Red looking at the newspaper as he drank some coffee. The only sounds were the clinking of the silverware, everyone glancing over at Red every few seconds.

"How are you?" Kitty stuttered.

"Great," Red answered blankly, taking a sip of his coffee, not looking up from his paper.

"So, um... what're you doing?"

Red gave her an odd look, "Reading. Having some coffee."

"Is the coffee good?" Eric stuttered, and Red gave the table an exasperated glance before folding up his paper.

"Okay," He said, "Everyone knows that today is my last day at work. Last day that the plant is open. So, I just want to tell you all that everything is going to be great. So," he grinned a little, "Great."

"Daddy, that is such good news," Laurie smiled a little before giving him a pointed look, "Can I have twenty dollars?"

Red tilted his head back in exasperation while everyone else glared at her.

"You get in the basement," Kitty ordered.

"So," Kelso grinned as he hopped out of his van, looking excitedly at Annette, "What do you think?" Fez grinned a little behind him, sitting in the passenger seat.

"Michael," Annette muttered, "This is horrible."

Kelso's face fell a little, giving her an odd look, not understanding, "What're you talkin' about?"

"You said it was cool on the phone, Michael, but it's not," Annette snarked, "It's horrible! I can't be seen in this! It's like owning a sty!"

"Uh oh," Fez grinned in a sing-song voice, "This van will not be rocking."

"Hey, Kelso."

Kelso jumped, violently brought out of his whore-y fantasy by the voice, banging his head on the roof of the van. He grabbed it in pain, glancing over at Laurie before lying back a little, attempting to look cool.

"Hello," He grinned, deepening his voice, "Laurie. What're you doing here?"

"I'm bored, there's nothin' on TV," She answered simply, "So this is your new ride, huh?"

"It is."

"It's really," Laurie seductively crawled in, giving Kelso a look, "Roomy."

"Um, listen, Laurie... I, I don't think you should be in here... I mean, I know we've made out a couple dozen times..."

"Twice."

"Okay, uh... but that's over."

Laurie simply grinned at him. "Gosh," She said, climbing into his lap, straddling him, rubbing her hands over his chest and neck, lightly tugging at some of his hair, "I sure do feel close to you, Kelso."

Kelso let out an odd, high pitched laughing noise. "Uh, listen, Laurie, I don't think my girlfriend, Annette, would like you sitting on me."

She smiled at him. "I think you like me sitting on you. In fact," she ground her hips into his, making him grunt loudly, "I know you do."

"Okay... but that's not the point."

Laurie ignored him, leaning down and giving him a chaste kiss, and when she pulled back, he stared up at her with wide eyes.

"This is your lucky day, Kelso."

She pulled the van door shut.

Outside the van, Hyde walked down the driveway through the garage, looking over at the van as it started shaking, listening to Kelso's complaints as they turned into moans.

"Laurie no... okay, Laurie, those are my pants... Laurie... no... no... yes..."

Hyde shook his head in amusement, grabbing a porch chair and taking a seat, throwing his hands behind his head and crossing his legs, bobbing one leg back and forth.

This will be a wonderful burn.

CIRCLE

CUT TO HYDE

HYDE: (grinning in amusement, lighting up some incense) "Sooo, what's new?" (smirks at Kelso) "Kelso?"

PAN TO KELSO

KELSO: (grinning widely) "Ohohoho, man..." (suddenly frowns, eyes wide) "I mean, nothin'." (grins again) "So, Eric, isn't your sister hot?"

PAN TO ERIC

ERIC: (giving Kelso a strange look) "Uh, no... In fact, Kelso, I think you're the only loser here who thinks she is hot."

PAN TO FEZ

FEZ: (smiles) "Not true. I have pictured her naked hundreds of times." (begins undressing a banana) "Why, just this morning, I was taking a shower..."

PAN TO HYDE

HYDE: (still grinning) 'C'mon, Fez, man! It is absolutely inappropriate and disrespectful to talk about how hot somebody's sister is no matter how bad you wanna give it to 'er." (smirks at Kelso) "Right, Kelso?"

PAN TO KELSO

KELSO: (grinning widely, giggling slightly) "Oh, man... oh, man... I-"

PAN TO HYDE

HYDE: (smirking amused at him, talking as if Kelso were a puppy) "What is it, boy? Is there trouble? Is there somethin' you wanna tell us about Eric's sister?"

PAN TO KELSO

KELSO: (gives a double thumbs up as he speaks with excitement) "I totally did it with 'er!" (frowns at Eric) "I'm sorry, man." (grins excitedly again, bobbing his head with laughter)

PAN TO ERIC

ERIC: (looking both horrified and protective) "What!?"

PAN TO KELSO

KELSO: (letting is face fall, wide eyed, stuttering, his thumbs still up) "I-I mean, she took advantage of me, I'm violated."

PAN TO HYDE

HYDE: (laughing) "You idiot, your thumbs are still up."

PAN TO KELSO

KELSO: (laughs a little, dropping his thumbs) "Acting's hard."

PAN TO ERIC

ERIC: (looking slightly pissed) "Hey, shut up, perv! That's my sister! C'mooon!"

PAN TO FEZ

FEZ: (grinning perversely) "I know. It is forbidden. Double titillating." (takes a huge bite of his banana)

PAN TO HYDE

HYDE: (leers) "Isn't it ironic that titillating has the word tit in it?"

PAN TO KELSO

KELSO: (laughing) "Oh man, that reminds me-"

ERIC: "No! Shut up!"

PAN TO ERIC

ERIC: (looking protective) "I swear to God, you say one more word about my sister and I'm gonna tell Annette."

PAN TO KELSO

KELSO: (his face blank with a large, open mouthed, dopey look) "Oh, man... I forgot about Annie..."

HYDE: (laughing so hard no sound comes out) "Right, right. I mean, you forgot about this huge bitchy anchor tied around your neck. I mean," (snorts) "It could happen."

PAN TO KELSO

KELSO: (gives Hyde a dopey, open mouthed stare)

"I actually think this van could be pretty nice," Donna comments, she and Jackie sitting on the edge of the van's flatbed.

"Yeah, maybe," Jackie muttered before smiling at Donna, "So, have you and Eric done it yet?"

"Yeah, we did it and I forgot to mention it," Donna grinned sarcastically.

"So, what's the hold up?"

"Whatever," Donna smiled bashfully, "It'll happen when it happens?"

"Sure. I mean, I guess if I was Eric's girlfriend, I would not be in a hurry to do it either," Jackie shuttered.

"Okay, um, thank you for calling, Amy. Okay, bye," Kitty hung up the phone, glancing around the kitchen at Hyde, Eric, and Fez, who were playing cards at the table.

"Eric, you have to go pick your father up at Charlie's Bar."

"At Charlie's?" Eric grinned, "Is he drunk?"

"No, he's not drunk, he's not feeling well," Kitty stuttered.

"Red's drunk," Hyde said bluntly, he and Eric standing from the table.

"He is not drunk, he's just not feeling well."

"C'mon, Fez," Eric said as he grabbed the car keys, "My dad's drunk."

Fez nodded, standing from the table and following them.

"He is not drunk, he is not feeling well!"

Kitty picked up the phone a few hours later when it began ringing, "Hello?"

"Hello, mother."

In the background, she heard drunken calls of, "Hello, mother! Hey!"

"This is your son, Eric. I'm not feeling well."

"I'll be right there," Kitty muttered, hanging up the phone as Jackie walked into the kitchen through the sliding door.

"Hey, Mrs. Forman."

"Hi, Jackie," Kitty smiled, "Steven's drunk."

Jackie gave her an odd look, "What...?"

Jackie sat between Hyde and Fez, Hyde's arm around her shoulders, in the back of the Cruiser, laughing as the drunken men sang Jerry Jeff Walker's "Redneck Mother."

"Up against the wall, redneck mother! Mother, who has raised her son so well!"

"Okay, you know what, let's turn that off," Kitty quickly muttered, shutting off the radio.

"Hey, Hyde," Fez smiled excitedly, "I got Amy's phone number."

"Good for you, Fez," Hyde smiled drunkenly, "Better hope she's still pretty tomorrow."

"Okay, let's just turn that redneck mother song back on," Kitty said speedily, switching the dial again. The boys began singing happily again, and Jackie couldn't keep the giggles from pouring out.

"He's thirty-four and drinking in a honky tonk! Just kicking hippies' asses and raising hell!"

"Careful, Steven," Jackie said as she led Hyde into Eric's room, her hands on his hips to steady his swaying body. Mrs. Forman told her to put Steven to bed on the cot, saying that Eric can have the living room couch, afraid that a hung over Steven and Eric would not be a good combination when woken up together.

"Mm," He murmured drunkenly, "You smell good."

She gave him an indulgent smile, "You most certainly don't. Now, c'mon, let's get you to bed."

"That's a great idea, baby, you comin' with me?"

Jackie let out a little laugh, her face flushing, "I don't think your performance would be too well at the moment."

"Ya sure?" He asked, practically tripping onto his cot. She helped him get settled, his eyes drifting shut. She grabbed a blanket, covering him before kneeling down to pull his boots off.

"Love you, Jackie..." He mumbled sleepily, his eyes still closed, and she gave him a small smile, running her fingers through his hair.

"I love you, too, Steven."

"No, I mean..." He mumbled again, shifting a little, practically already asleep, "It's your weird eyes, and your hair, and your lips, and all the girly, preppy crap you say, and... I love you..."

Jackie smiled again, giving his unconscious form a kiss on the forehead before leaving him to sleep.

"Okay, Laurie," Kelso said, sitting inside his van with her, "I like Annette, and she says I'm not allowed to see other people, so..."

"Oh, sweet Kelso," Laurie mumbled, "You're a tool and I will use you as I please," she pulled Kelso in for a chaste kiss, "Okay, baby?"

"Okay..." Kelso agreed, looking a bit confused.

The van door suddenly opened, revealing Red, looking a bit cranky.

"Hey, Daddy," Laurie smiled, hopping out of the van, taking off quickly.

Red glared at Kelso, "Ohhh, Kelso... You watch your ass."

Okay, yay! Two chapters today!

Contemplating on whether or not to make Hyde and Jackie go to the club, or let them stay at her house for some smutty goodness next chapter... I mean, remember, Kelso and Jackie didn't go to the club, and Kelso does need some parts in this story, so...

Any suggestions?

I'm currently aiming for smutty... haven't had any major, major HJ moments in a while, so... :)