Title: Last Thing You'll Do
Author: Calliope-plantain
Rating: M
Pairing:Regina/Emma
Disclaimer: I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.
Storyline: Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.
Author's Note:After my Beta read this – she told me to tell you I wrote it BEFORE 3x11 aired…
Beta: Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she's missed and any feelings of distress are her fault ;)
"The next heart you crush will be mine" – 45-Spacer.
"What?" she breathed her voice sounding foreign to her ears. She was being suffocated. She couldn't even draw in breath. A lead weight was crushing her chest. Regina's body and brain weren't connected though she felt the rush travel through her entire body making her feel dizzy. She was going to pass out. Her sense of time and surroundings wouldn't click into place either. Her vision seemed to blur around the edges as if her body was losing the ability to keep her conscious. Her constant anchor to reality…her now stark blindingly painful reality was Emma's shuddering breathing against her throat.
"He found a brain tumour" the blonde timidly repeated against her skin, though Regina did not need the words to be said again. She needed the words to be explained. How could Emma have a tumour? It didn't make sense. It didn't…click inside Regina's head.
A brain tumour. That wasn't…that wasn't possible. That couldn't be true. Emma … Whale had to be mistaken. No they were wrong. It couldn't be a brain tumour. Regina had stayed awake worrying as she watched Emma become more distant and their day to day life become increasingly difficult. She'd cried herself to sleep when the woman who should have been there to comfort her and tell her everything was okay, was nowhere to be seen. She'd thought of so many situations and problems Emma could have gotten herself into that the other woman had felt she had to run away; but she had never thought that. She'd never thought of Cancer.
"No…you don't…you can't" Regina stammered into the blonde hair she was now clutching. It felt as if the ground beneath her had vanished and she was simply suspended in mid-air waiting for the moment she would fall into the dark abyss beneath her. She felt the small kiss pressed against her neck before Emma moved. Regina slipped the final inches to the ground which seemed solid and cold beneath her knees as she came to sit on her heels. Emma slid upwards through no more of the other woman into view as Regina felt Emma's fingers wove in her hair. Regina's scalp tingled at the familiar, well known feeling.
Emma's cheek was flushed against Regina's now and she could feel the blonde's tear coated skin against her own, and hear Emma's jagged breath against her ear. Her love was mirroring her now, though Emma's hold seemed stronger and more stable. Regina let the tears fall. Hearing Emma's staggering breaths despite her determined hold against Regina's head and waist confirmed Emma's words.
"I do…and I'm so sorry" the other woman said her breathing shook so dangerously Regina felt her own grip against the woman's waist tighten. She heard the wet kiss placed against her ear as well as the repressed sob that fell from her lover's lips. Closing her eyes she felt the warm tears fall down her face. God…this couldn't be happening. How could this be real?
Once again, much like it had so many times since the day it happened; their last argument played itself in Regina's mind. Little Emma had screamed at her that day made sense. She had tried so hard to make it fit, to make it make sense; and she always failed. But she remembered Emma's final words before she'd announced she was leaving Storybrooke. Now that made sense and she felt like vomiting. She remembered Emma's frantic tone as she'd shouted "I just want to be happy for once without everything fucking up! And I can't even have that." Whale had potentially handed her a death sentence, and Emma had ran.
Her hand tightened slightly in the blonde tress around her fingers. She wanted to do something…anything to ease the pain she felt. The pain she heard in the woman holding her though her harsh breathing was lessening. When had it changed so she was the one being comforted…being held? When had their lives changed so drastically?
"Again?" Regina said breaking the silence as the entirety of Emma's confession reached her brain. She'd said again…when and why had Emma been to see him before? Why hadn't she told her? "You said again" Regina added as Emma shifted and moved away from her completely. Their knees seemed to be the only thing touching now as they all but sat in the debris of Emma's forgotten belongings. The guilt was back.
Emma looked so small in front of her, and Regina wanted to scoop her up again in her arms and block the rest of the world out. Make it so nothing could hurt them. None of this would be real and they could be happy…together. Emma's face was blotchy and eyes bloodshot. Eyes that did not look at her now. They too were taking in the items surrounding them; though Regina could see it. Could see the stance and expression Emma often gave when around her mother. The look of the little girl within wanting approval. Emma was scared of the answer she was about to give, and it terrified the brunette.
The former sheriff licked her lips slightly before she spoke, though her address was to an old sweater to Regina's right. "About two weeks before…I left" the blonde said seemingly to struggle with the concept of expressing her departure. Regina knew Emma had left there was no need to skirt around it. Though now she knew why…
"I was working in the office and then suddenly I had Ruby standing over me. I'd passed out" Emma explained and Regina felt her stomach flip. Two weeks… Regina knew about the headaches but even the morning ritual of vomiting had only taken place in the final week. "She took me to see Whale. He took blood. He thought it might have been Anaemia, and thought it might have been a stress related ulcer or something like that" her former lover continued now talking to her hands which she was now mindlessly fidgeting.
Emma paused for a moment, almost considering her next words. She lightly worried her bottom lip before she said gently "He realised however that I'd actually had a seizure …"
"God Emma" Regina exclaimed without thought. Emma's eyes rose to hers sadly flickered with what looked like shame. Why hadn't she fucking told her? Why had she tried to act normal when Regina could see there was something wrong? Why had she run, when she clearly needed help?
Emma's eyes lowered again and Regina felt a rush of remorse. The other woman had clearly seen her emotion upon her face. She was just trying to make sense of it. All of it. It was senseless!
"The tests came back saying some level was high, so he took even more blood to rule things out. But he was mainly looking for cancer markers" the fair haired woman explained. Regina felt her own brow crease, there was that word. That word Regina didn't quite understand yet. Cancer was something she'd heard of, of course but it wasn't one she expected to encounter so intimately. Emma's gaze rose once again to meet hers.
"Those are proteins which are present if your body is fighting cancer" the blonde clarified sensing Regina's confusion; though misinterpreting its origin. "He then took an MRI and CT. He called me into his office the day before I left" Emma finished, sliding down to now be sitting firmly on the cold kitchen floor.
"That's why you were late" Regina said softly as the memory hit her along with the realisation.
"Yeah" Emma said gently with slight nod. "He said I needed a biopsy. So he made an appointment with a specialist in Boston" the younger woman continued though now seemed to be almost refusing to look away from Regina. The brunette couldn't help the grimace; both at the thought of Emma receiving a biopsy, and the word. The other word apart from Emma's name, Regina had all but banned from her life. Boston. The place that had caused her so much pain; and yet it appeared unknowingly to Regina to have caused so much happiness too. Without it the woman she loved wouldn't be sitting in front of her.
The woman gave her a small but sad smile. Emma understood Regina's reaction. Emma really did know her better than anyone else ever had. "He said he was pretty sure I had a GBM … which stands for Glioblastoma Multiforme" she explained clearly as if to make sure Regina understood everything. It took a moment of consideration that Emma had had to understand and learn all these terms on her own. She had had no guiding hand, much like the one gently resting upon Regina's knee. She had been completely alone. "But he wasn't sure… hoped it wasn't because they're rare" Emma continued.
"Why?" Regina asked quietly. At the look of slight confusion on other woman's face the brunette continued, "Surely none would be better".
She saw Emma's signature smile spread across her lips. Even though it was diluted by the tear filled eyes; it still made Regina's head spin and feel…safe. Emma swallowed gently giving a small flick of her hair to rid her face of it. She watched as the smile slipped and tear fell. Regina could see Emma had been fighting all of this too long and it seemed she'd all but given up. "It was clear that I had cancer Regina…that wasn't a question at that point" Emma explained, entwining their fingers together now. Emma's hand felt like ice against her own. "Different types are treated differently, managed differently and they vary in survival rate" the saviour continued, gently squeezing Regina's hand.
Survival rate. The nausea returned with a jolt. Survival rates…how had they gotten to this place? How had they gone from promises of a happily ever after to the likelihood of Emma's survival? This couldn't be happening…it couldn't be real; but it was. The fingertips dancing across the back of her hand were the blunt reminder that this was real. It was very real and all she could do is sit, open mouthed staring at her love in disbelief.
"Was it that kind?" Regina asked softly; not entirely sure she wanted the answer. All she had wanted for over three months was answers. Here Emma was with all the answers to any question she had, and she didn't want them. She wanted the calming bliss of innocence. Yet she knew … she knew she needed all her questions answering.
"Yeah" Emma answered thickly, and even looked apologetic at her answer. "The biopsy was done in the first few days. The specialist who I literally only saw that once, did more blood tests, another CT, chest X-ray to see if it had spread" the blonde explained, and Regina could feel the blonde practically counting off the tests against her own hand. "He checked my vision, my hearing. But yeah it was a GBM" the blonde said with a small nod. Emma had been poke and prodded. She had had so many tests done, yet another reason Regina couldn't deny the words from the other woman's mouth.
"What's a GBM's rate?" Regina asked carefully. She couldn't say nor ask about the survival rate. The idea of it was crushing her. She had to know the facts. She could digest what they all meant once she knew; once she understood what it all meant.
Emma's glistening eyes flickered upwards; and Regina felt her stomach plummet. Her heart was beating faster within her chest though she was sure it was trying to strangle her, as her throat tightened at the defeated look in her lover's eyes.
Through her own tears she saw the former sheriff chewed her bottom lip before she answered shakily, "Without treatment…" The dark green eyes lowered to hers once again and with a shaking lip; a sure indication of the tears that were about to fall, Emma continued, "Whale told me about four months from when it first starts to form".
The brunette heard her own gasp though had no recollection of the decision to make the noise. Emma had been unwell for about a month before she'd left, that was over four months ago. Oh god…
"He wasn't sure how far a long I was" the other woman explained, as more tears fell down her fair cheeks. All Regina wanted to do was swipe them away and tell Emma everything was going to be okay. Expect she didn't know that. In fact in this very moment she had never known less or been so unsure of anything in her whole life. "It's one of the problems with GBM they're fast and so Whale hoped it wasn't a GBM because they grew fast often before producing the symptoms" Emma continued. It was now Regina's fingers soothing Emma's skin. The change was small, almost unnoticeable.
"You got treatment right? So it's longer … I mean you're still…" Regina stammered unable to say the words. This wasn't meant to be happening; Emma was thirty years old for god sake. Her body wasn't meant to just give up and start attacking itself.
"Alive?" the other woman asked sympathetically. The slight head tilt told Regina, Emma had long come to terms with her fate. A fate that should have never been hers. "Yeah…with successful treatment the rate for a grade four goes up to about fifteen months" Emma continued carefully though her small smile was anything but joyful.
Fifteen months? That's just over a year. That had been four…five months ago. Emma could have less than a year left. Less than a year with Henry and her. God this wasn't happening. None of this was making sense in Regina's head and yet it was fitting together perfectly.
"But you're okay now though …. Right?" Regina asked timidly, the presence of hope was undeniable. Emma had to be okay. Sure some people with a successful treatment only had fifteen months, but this was Emma. Emma was the saviour and could beat anything. She was the person Regina was meant to be spending the rest of her life with, she couldn't just go. She couldn't just stop existing. She had to stay alive!
A dark look seemed to move across the blonde's face before she spoke again. "We knew complete resection was going to be near impossible; they were never going to get the whole thing. They managed to get about sixty percent" Emma explained a little too calmly. Resection? What did that mean? Once again Regina was hit the realisation of how much Emma had been through since she'd walked away that day. The amount she had had to learn and absorb in such a short time. And sixty percent? That was bad right? It was more than half…which was good?
"They tried Radiotherapy that didn't work at all; I think it might have been getting blocked by my magic" Emma continued, the hand not clasped in her own was gesturing almost erratically with each spoken sentence. Magic had stopped the cure. Regina had long since learnt that magic did not hold all the answers but she hadn't known a sorceress' own magic to hinder their own ability to heal.
"Then they tried something called Temozolomide; it's a type of chemotherapy medication" the younger woman clarified. Regina guessed her feeling of utter confusion must have been showing on her face. "That just made me tired and have mass headaches. I couldn't eat anything not that I wanted to anyway, it made everything taste like metal" Emma continued with a look of disgust on her face at the memories locked away in her own head. It seemed as if the supposed cures and medications had done just as much damage as the illness itself. "But basically that didn't work either. Ended up getting an infection and going back into hospital" Emma finished with a deep breath.
Infection? That was very bad. Medication wasn't mean to make you sicker than you already were. Regina's brain was trying to connect everything Emma had just said. So was she better? On her way to being better? The operation had worked, not as well as they had hoped but better than they had expected…right? The second two hadn't worked, but the first being a success was good news and meant good things. Didn't it?
"Emma…I'm sorry but I don't know what all that means" Regina said tentatively. She felt Emma's hand slip out of her and watched as the other woman brought her knees to her chin, hugging her legs to her chest. The gesture was one of defeat and retreat, and Regina thought she knew why. But she needed to hear it. She needed to hear Emma say the words. Only she was begging her not to.
"Sorry…dealing with the facts has been easier than all this" Emma's muffled sniffle sounded from the mess of limbs. The sound of it broke Regina's heart. Regina's vision clouded once again as a fresh batch of scorching tears filled from her eyes. Despite her tears she could see Emma's body shaking with silent sobs. Without thought she was up on her knees and crawled the fresh made distance between them. Reaching for Emma, Regina engulfed the younger woman in her arms allowing her head to rest against the newly shorn locks.
She tried. She really tried to stop the tears from falling but they wouldn't follow her brain's command. The harder she tried the more forcefully they fell. Somewhere in the middle of comforting Emma she felt the blonde's hand take her own once again, though the blonde did not seem to move. The grip was vicelike and almost as painful as the pressure upon her chest. "It's okay" Regina reassured, though which of the two women she was trying to reassure she didn't know.
The sob that followed was Emma's first audible sound and it made Regina tighten heart sharply within her chest and stomach heave. "No" Emma cried, holding the brunette's hand in a bruising grip. "No. I'm not okay Regina. Very far it" she sobbed, her head shaking so violently Regina had to move to not be hit. It was then she realised her grip upon her love's hand was just as great as the one being forced upon her; as if both were afraid to let go. "It's growing fast", the saviour added sounding so small and void of hope it made Regina's whole world spin off kilter.
"So…what does…" Regina asked, though her question and thought process was cut short why the raise of Emma's head and look of absolute devastation upon her face. Her eyes almost seemed to empty of all emotion except sorrow and guilt. Both that were aimed directly at her; and she knew without doubt what Emma's answer would be to her unspoken question.
Emma gave a small nod though to what the former Queen was unsure of. "I'm dying Regina. I don't know the exact moment but its coming" Emma sobbed thickly. Her voice was so fragmented it was nearly impossible to understand, though the meaning was painfully and undeniably clear.
Regina felt her guttural sob rack through her so painfully it felt as if her chest was on fire. The hand that rose to clamp around her mouth only just masked the sound. "I'm dying". Her own hand was no use as a barricade against her body vibrations as the words kept repeating in Regina's head. As the words screamed at her from inside her own head and she could do nothing to stop them. She could feel the tears burning their way down her skin, as she fought the urge to empty her stomach of the meal she'd eaten hours ago. All she could feel was the burn of alcohol and bile within her throat, as her vision blurred and threatened to blacken completely.
She saw the pain…and the guilt shining from Emma's eyes. She could see her love's lip quivering and wanted so badly to capture it. Capture it and lose herself in the feel of Emma's lips against hers; and forget it all. Forget. God. Her insides were writhing in agony. This was their reality now. After everything Regina had done to get her happy ending, she'd been allowed to feel it. Touch it. Enjoy it. But only for a while, before it was snatched away for her. From Emma. God…Emma was dying. Why was Emma being punished for her past? It should be Regina that suffers, not Emma. She wanted desperately to take it away. She wanted to make it okay. To make Emma be okay, but she couldn't.
"Regina?" Emma asked gently her voice still thick with emotion. The younger woman in front of her sounded so far away as if the former Mayor were listening to her through a thick fog. Emma's lips moved, though the noise seemed to take an age to reach her, and longer still for Regina's bewildered up brain to register its meaning. She couldn't speak and her brain wasn't trying making the effort to try. It didn't seem to even remember it was meant to be letting Regina breath because the feeling of lead upon her chest was getting worse.
"Regina…" Emma said again though this time her voice sounded more scared than sorrowful. It was subtle. The change in expression; it was small, so small if Regina didn't know Emma so well she may have missed it. Emma was scared. "I'm sorry" the former Sheriff said, her eyes were riddled with guilt. Guilt she felt because she'd hurt Regina with her revelation. She now understood what Emma had meant. Emma leaving had hurt. The pain had been unbearable Regina had thought. But it was nothing on this. Nothing on the thought…no the knowledge that the person who loved, the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with…the person who was meant to be standing next to her for the rest of their lives watching their son grow up; was dying and she couldn't do anything to stop it. She had no control.
The brunette opened her mouth to offer some sort of comfort but there was none. All she could do was shake her head slightly and hope Emma understood. No words could make it better. There were no promises or bargains to be made. There were no enchantments that she knew of. She had been the Evil Queen surely if there were such a spell she would know of it. There were no magic words to cure Emma … were there?
"What about magic …?" she asked, her voice sounding hoarse. Emma looked relieved to hear Regina finally speak though brunette knew whatever answer she was about to be given would not make her feel any better.
"I went to Gold when Whale first told me what he thought it might be…" Emma explained her voice so guff it sounded as if she had swallowed gravel. Gold. She'd been to see Gold about this? On her own? Did she have a death wish? Regina's eyes slid shut at the thought. God this couldn't … no this should not be happening!
"Gold? Emma…" Regina reprimand. How could she have been so stupid? That little imp wouldn't have helped Emma, and even if he had all magic came at a price. What price would he have demanded from her? What leverage would he have gained over the saviour? God what unspeakable deeds could he have gotten to her to promise? Regina should have gone. If she had known she would have gone and tried to make a deal with the man. She would have endured anything for this woman. If only Emma had told her, instead of doing this all on her own. The stupid woman!
"I know" Emma replied easily. Yes she did know. She knew how foolhardy going to Gold had been. But the look the saviour was giving her, and clammy hand in hers confirmed what she already knew. Emma was sitting upon her kitchen floor almost skin and bones, with a cancerous tumour riddling her brain; because there was nothing that could have been done.
"He couldn't do anything. No deal was made because there was nothing he could do" Emma explained, her tone was one of almost reassurance. Regina understood the blonde was trying to assure her no price had been paid, which was good; except the only bit that really registered was that Gold hadn't been able to do anything. The Dark One had been unsuccessful.
Only that didn't make any sense. Henry had spent time, though it was limited, with his father in the last three months. Surely Gold would have told his son, about Emma's … predicament? If nothing else to enable Neal to prepare Henry for what sounded like the inevitable outcome. Only Henry had always kept his unwavering faith in his birthmother's return. "Henry has spent time with Neal…Why didn't Gold tell him?" Regina asked gently.
Emma nodded gently with a humourless smile; it almost looked like an effort to even do that. "I threaten to tell Neal that he had tried to make a deal with me if he told" Emma explained. "Gold tried and failed to do…something. Because he failed he said there was no "charge", but really he did it for Neal", Emma continued softly.
"You shouldn't have gone to Gold Emma. You should have come to me" Regina said hearing the plea in the tone; as if begging could change things now. "We could have found a cure together…we still could!" Regina suggested naively, despite knowing it was hopeless. How could they just give up? How could Regina just give up on Emma? On the live they were meant to share? This couldn't just be it. This couldn't be the end.
She watched as Emma lifted their clasping hands to her lips and placed a gently kiss upon Regina's knuckles. The former Queen couldn't hold back the sob at the gesture. The brunette easily slipped her hand up to cup Emma's cheek. The soft skin felt cold but clammy beneath her fingertips as she wiped away the endless stream of tears.
The smile that was thrown in her direction was a sorrowful one. Regina knew it was hopeless to think maybe they could do something, but hope was all she had left. Once again and not for the first time this evening their last argument came back to her with a loud resounding bang. Emma had asked Regina what was left here in Storybrooke because she had such little hope left. The only option she had was to go to Boston; but she did not have to go alone.
"Whale hadn't confirmed it, and I didn't want to worry you if it was just something like Anaemia. By the time we knew for sure, I already knew there wasn't some magical cure. For once science was the only option to me" Emma explained regretfully. The saviour's hand had risen to join hers against the blonde's cheek. Regina felt helpless. She felt useless and there was nothing she could do for the woman that held her heart.
"So you left" Regina supplied easily though not without the painful throb to her chest. She felt despair and anger; she hated not having control. She hated feeling powerless. She felt anger at Emma and her decisions. She felt anger at life and the shit hand she'd been dealt yet again. Surely she should have found the aces in the deck by now. She had thought she'd finally been dealt the winning hand, only for life to call her bluff.
"Yes" Emma replied her voice cracking considerably.
"We deserved that time Emma" the former Queen replied her own speech mirroring her lover's so easily. Three months. They had wasted three months of Emma's reducing time left. Emma had run and robbed them of it. Henry had only know his birthmother for under three years; while Regina had been stupid and hesitant of getting up her heart and soul. If only she'd been braver, if only she'd spoken up sooner; they would have had more time. Time she needed now. This couldn't be it for them. This couldn't be all they got.
"Henry and I deserved it. It wasn't your decision" Regina continued unable to hold back the resentment in her voice. She felt Emma's warm tears fall over her fingertips. She pulled her hand away; momentarily surprised at Emma's submission to the gesture. The easy submission made Regina's heart clench; because it showed how much Emma had already pulled away. It also showed how much she wasn't ready to let go because here she was right in front of her with tears rolling down her face, no longer the need to try and stop the flow.
"I made a decision, the only damn thing I had any control over" Emma said with the hint of bitterness. She could see Emma was just as angry at the world as she was, and it wasn't difficult to understand why. Much like Regina Emma liked control. Neither of their lives had ever given them much. Regina had taken it. She had taken what power and control she could get her hands on and used it. Emma had not. Emma simply gave up; sure she had gotten out of the foster system and put various roofs over her head. But power…it was something Emma had striven for and only recently gained. It was something that a relationship with Regina had helped her receive. According to Emma, it was something that she had chosen. Falling in love with Regina had been a pointless and futile battle, but being with her…that had been her choice.
"My life was falling apart and I choose to not share that with you and Henry" Emma continued her voice carrying loudly despite the short distance between them. The words made her ache. The ache was so deep she felt it in her soul. She knew Emma had thought she had done the right thing, or maybe she didn't because here she was; but Emma believed she had done what was best. Except it wasn't. It wasn't what was best. Running away was not what was best. Not telling Regina what was happening to her; what could happen…that was not what was best. She could understand not wanting to tell Henry, he was only thirteen but she should have told her. Give her time to adjust…to prepare. Her heart was pounding and she felt like she was going to have a heart attack. Or pass out. Or both. Both seemed very possible right now.
She stood. The ascent seemed to be in slow motion and she felt as if she were travelling through something thick. Something that was stopping her movements and making them sluggish. She saw the look of hurt in Emma's eyes and couldn't do a damn thing to stop it. There was nothing she could do. Not one fucking thing. Emma was dying and all she could do was watch. Watching was better however than not knowing. At least now she knew what was coming. Emma had given her that now. The things they could have done…could have seen. They could have done anything in the last three months.
"You had no right do that. We should have been there with you" Regina chided, looking down into the saddest eyes she'd ever seen. Her voice did not carry the anger she felt, only disappointment. She was used to feeling anger; but this? This anger had no release. No desire for revenge or destruction; only desperation and fear. Fear of what was to come, sadness what could have been.
Emma swayed dangerously as she rose to stand level with Regina. The brunette fought the urge to throw out an arm to stand the young woman but the glare she received as she made to move told her to stay put. Emma had said Regina would feel look at her differently once she knew, and Regina was proving her right. God the urge to protect the woman she loved that she always carried with her, had never been stronger.
"To do what?" Emma barked at her though Regina heard the suppressed cry. "Sit there and hold my hand. Tell me how everything was going to be okay" the former sheriff added sarcastically. Nevertheless she heard the despair in Emma's voice, the feeling that so mirrored her own it broke Regina's heart.
"Yes!" Regina exclaimed and she saw Emma's eyes slide shut slowly as more tears fell. It was exactly what Regina was meant to have been doing. She was meant to have been holding Emma's hand and telling her it would be okay. She was meant to be have been the crutch that held the young woman up on the days she was about to give up. She was meant to have been there encouraging her reminding her of all the things she had left to fight for. To give her hope. "I was supposed to be there for you Emma. Support you so you didn't have to go through it alone" she finished heavily.
She saw the Emma Swan head tilt, and the widened of watery green eyes. She knew. Regina knew she wasn't going to win. She knew she was right, Emma could not have left without her. She knew she should have been there right next to Emma through it all. She knew why Emma had denied her of it, and part of her hated her for it. She wanted to scream, cry and lash out at the woman. She just wanted to cry.
"Regina …" Emma aspirated softly moving forward towards her. The shake of the blonde head only made her angrier; only it was with herself not Emma. She hadn't been able to protect her. Hadn't been able to look after her when she had needed her most. She had seen the damage Emma was doing to herself and did nothing.
"I was a mess. I couldn't have put you through that, and I most certainly couldn't but Henry though it." Emma explained softly as she reached out a hand to Regina's forearm. The fact she had thought so deeply about their son in this, while it did not surprise her, it did warm her heart. "All that pain and … god looking after me when there was a very large chance it wouldn't work…I couldn't" the gaunt woman explained and Regina could see the fallen tears glistening against her skin in the artificial light above them. Emma's tone was one of pleading. She was pleading with Regina to understand her point of view…understand her actions and sadly she did. She didn't like them and would never condone them, but she understood.
"But you're home now …" Regina whispered gently; and couldn't help the slight smile at the phrase. Emma had said it only thirty or so minutes ago. Home. Regina had been wrong. This truly was Emma's home. The only place she belonged. With her and Henry….forever.
"I told you I was being selfish" Emma said the hint of disgust at herself was very evident. The dark flatness of the tone scared Regina.
"You should have come home Emma…" Regina implored tenderly. "You shouldn't have left", she added firmly and saw Emma unmistakably fight the urge to roll her eyes, though the gesture never came. Regina had waited. She had sat and waited that night Emma had left, expecting her to come home. It was simply a fight and Emma would see reason and come home. Regina had lain in bed watching the minutes and hours tick by, shivering with a chill that had nothing to do with the empty sheets around her. She had waited; and here was her reward.
"I kept expecting you to realise what a mistake you were making, and come home. Realise what you were leaving behind" Regina admitted sheepishly and felt Emma's thumb move to rub her arm. It was almost soothing.
"Regina… I knew", Emma confessed. A confession that did nothing for Regina's aching heart. "I knew exactly what I was leaving behind and it was agony. Every day, it hurt me" the blonde continued her voice once again filling with the same emotion that occupied her eyes and caused tears. "I rang Mom because it was safe. I could …I could lie to her and not feel so guilty" she explained, her tongue sliding against her bottom lip in a nervous manner. She'd rang Snow knowing she could lie to her. Regina had envied her former step-daughter over the last three months. She had had almost constant contact with Emma and she had had none. It had all been a lie however.
"Then it became about Henry hearing my stories. Mom always said how excited he got at hearing them. I was still his hero" her love continued her tone momentarily content, almost happy. "I wasn't… I wasn't the mother who had abandoned him…yet again" Emma added her voice full of remorse. Regina instantly felt regret. Regret at the accusations she had fired at Emma that day in the Sheriff's office. She'd accused Emma of abandoning Henry, and watched as Emma recoiled at the words as if she'd been burnt. God…this was why.
"I couldn't have talked to you… I couldn't have lied to you. I couldn't have heard your voice and not told you" the other woman said with a vigorous shake of her head; and Regina watched as the movement seemed to make the freshly made tears splash off the fair skin. She wanted to make the pain stop; and the tears to stop falling. Emma hadn't called her to shield her from the truth.
"It would have all come out and me trying to protect you would have been for nothing. I had to stay in Boston … I couldn't just disrupt your and Henry's life like that" Emma finished her voice much higher in pitch than when she'd started. Not having Emma in their lives had made everything move at a snail's pace. Despite Regina belief that Emma wouldn't come back, she had hoped she would. Henry's ideas of his other mother being their white knight had given him the reassurance she would return to them. They had both been waiting, both putting their life on hold for the day she would walk back through their front door.
"Our lives were already disrupted … god Emma you weren't here" Regina spat in desperation for Emma to understand. "It felt like you were…all the time" she whined gently and felt Emma nearing her frame with her own. "Every day it was painful reminder that you walked away. You were meant to be here and you weren't" the brunette exclaimed sharply though she could feel her anger ebbing away. The feel of Emma's body against hers often had that effect on her. One day she could be able to be mad and stay mad at this woman without Emma using her weakness against her. Her weakness being Emma herself.
"I mean what if you'd… How would we have known? When we got a phone call from a stranger asking for us to claim your body" Regina finished as a sob shook her forcefully. She'd said the word. A "body" that would be all Emma was to the world. Another person who had walked the Earth not leaving much of a mark on the planet. But to Regina, Henry, her parents she was everything. To the people of Storybrooke she was their saviour. She was irreplaceable.
"Regina…" Emma whispered leaning further into her frame. The warmth of body did nothing to calm her now. It was only a stark reminder of what was to come; what was unavoidable.
"No!" Regina screamed feeling as if an invisible force was trying to suffocate her. "I was meant to be protecting you. I couldn't do that because I didn't know!" she continued as fresh scorching tears spilled her eyes. Emma was broken beyond repair and there was nothing she could do about it. The blonde had been falling apart and all Regina had tried to do was cover it with a Band-Aid and hoped it would go away. She had been trying to damn hard to hate this woman since the day she left, and now all this was happening. "I've spent the last three months cursing your name… I didn't know!" Regina sobbed forcefully.
Everything she'd thought about this woman over the last three months. Oh god the last voice mail…she'd said she didn't care, told her not to come back. She almost hadn't and it wouldn't have been Emma's fault. She could have died and that would have their last interaction. The last words Emma had heard her say. The last words Regina would have said to the woman she loved more than anyone, other than their son, would have been words of hatred and pain. They had been words fuelled only by anger and alcohol. Everything was falling apart and she couldn't keep the pieces together; all that was happening were her fingers…her heart and soul were being ripped to shreds.
"I didn't want to burden you" Emma whispered sadly. Her lover was anything but a burden. It would have been an honour and privilege she would have taken without thought. She would have been the rock Emma needed her to be. She would be that now. She wasn't going anywhere. "I didn't want to put you through it all. I needed you to be here and be strong. I needed to know that Henry would be taken care of" Emma said her voice now filled with an almost saddening determination. She had needed to know because she didn't know if she'd come back alive. Her love and clear need to protect their little boy made her heart skip while only serving to make her feel worse. Emma hadn't been thinking of herself as Regina had believed.
"I couldn't have either of you seeing me like that. None of this is your fault" the saviour reassured her gently.
"Yes it is!" she retorted sharply. "I should have known. I could see it Emma. You were wasting away in front of me and I just … I was angry with you" Regina continued disbelievingly. Emma believed by coming back she had been selfish, then it had been her, her being the selfish one."I was angry because you weren't … You were here and I could see it, and I didn't do anything" she said through gritted teeth. The anger was back, but this time it was anger at herself. She'd let this happen. "I let you pretend everything was okay. I was so worried for you and I just …" Regina swept now clinging to Emma as much as she had been her.
"Regina … please stop" Emma pleaded, resting her forehead against Regina's. Emma breath danced across her face, and it felt almost normal. Mundane. Something they should be doing for the rest of their lives.
"You were meant to be here Emma. You are meant to be here with me and Henry" the brunette said now sobbing harder than ever. "I love you so much, you can't d…" Regina declared before she felt Emma's lips cutting off her speech. They moved effortless against her own. Every tilt of Regina's head, Emma followed; pushing her into the table behind her, pressing herself into her length. This was where Emma was meant to be, where she was meant to have been. She wasn't meant to be in Boston or…
Emma pulled away and she heard her own groan at the loss of contact. She needed it. She needed Emma. She needed to feel her against her. Feel that she was still here. Still with her.
"Please" Regina whimpered gently. She couldn't deal with this. None of this. She wanted to forget. She wanted to get lost in Emma's touch, the smell of her hair and the warmth of skin. She wanted to forget and pretend that none of this was happening. She wanted to pretend that they had forever and every day to wake up next to each other. She wanted to pretend that she wouldn't need to tell their son that his moments with his other mother were coming to an end. She wanted to pretend they had the rest of their lives to be happy. It was her fairy tale, only this one wouldn't come true. But for tonight she would have it.
She watched as Emma's eyes roamed her face as if seeing any hint of hesitation. Or maybe she was debating whether this was a good idea or not. Emma's eyes landed upon her lips several times before she made the move. Before she seized Regina's mouth with her own, with a kiss that made Regina's knees weak. With only Emma's body keeping her up, she gave up the fight and forgot…if only for tonight.