Title: Last Thing You'll Do
Author: Calliope-plantain
Rating: M
Pairing:Regina/Emma
Disclaimer: I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.
Storyline: Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.
Author's Note:Hope everyone's Christmas-y time was good Hope you're all surviving the winter hiatus! Sorry it's been so long since I updated – Ill health and new job have kept me busy.
Beta: Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she's missed and any feelings of distress are her fault ;)
"The next heart you crush will be mine" – 45-Spacer.
With painstakingly slow steps Regina managed to carry the two mugs up the stairs while pinning the wrapped towel around her with one arm. Maybe it would have been easier if she'd used the bathrobe to make the beverage trip and swapped with Emma upon her return. She had tried to be as quick as possible making the drinks while tidying the mess she'd made of Emma's belongings. In hindsight she could have brought up a pair of Emma's sweat pants and a top to keep her warm. She could just borrow something of Regina's once she was dry.
The bedroom door was still ajar when she bumped it open with her hip. Emma was sat at Regina's vanity table trying to tame her newly shortened hair in the mirror. The moisture from the steam and water was making it stick up a little at odd angles. Regina placed both mugs on the coasters upon the table Emma was sat at. "Thanks" Emma said repeatedly trying to smooth a piece of hair which would not stay down.
Regina's hand found Emma's shortened tresses and she allowed herself the luxury of running her fingers through it. Emma's eyes had not left her reflection while Regina had enter the room spoke just loud enough to be heard, "I don't like it…it's too short so there's not much I can do with it".
Regina simply chuckled in return, when she too couldn't get the piece of hair lay flat either. She'd have to brush it in the morning. The older woman took a sip of her drink and felt it warm her inside considerably. Regina wondered for a brief worrying moment when Emma took a sip of her own, if it was too hot for the other woman, though Emma showed no signs of discomfort.
"As someone who had my hair shorter than that for years, I take personal offence to that" Regina said sternly though the smile upon her face did alter her meaning quite considerable. Emma worried her bottom lip and just sniggered but didn't take her eyes off Regina in her reflection.
"I think you'll find this was originally inspired by that very Madame Mayor style" the blonde quipped back playfully pointing at her hair. "Despite…loving it on you, I don't think it suits me all that well" Emma continued with a glint in her eye. It was not the first time Emma had confided in "loving" Regina's much shorter hair style, though Emma's more accurate description had been that it "drove her wild". Regina couldn't help the chuckle at Emma's expense.
"I'm guessing to have treatment you had to cut it" Regina asked, trying to keep her tone light as to not ruin the new mood. Emma's eyes rose to the hair covering her forehead and with a slight smile she flicked the mess of hair out of face.
"Yeah. You aren't allowed to wash it a lot in the first few weeks after you have a Craniotomy. It's also easier to look after if it's short. Also they had to shave it, so it would have looked a little odd" Emma explained, finishing with a small laugh. It was just a simple explanation and yet held so much too. Emma's life for the last three months had been so difficult and held the need for solutions to make it easier.
"Where…" was all Regina managed to say before Emma grinned at her. The former Sheriff swung her legs around, so she was now facing Regina.
"Here" Emma said with a tone of ease as she lifted the front section of hair on the right of her head, to the side. It didn't look much different. The hair maybe was a little shorter at a push or a little lighter. There was no scar that Regina could see. Her fingertips tingled, she wanted to touch it. Her hand moved without the command of her brain, though she realised in time and stopped. Stopped before she touched Emma. Touching Emma wasn't something she had stopped herself doing in almost two years. It felt strange and she didn't like it.
"You can" Emma said softly, taking hold of her hand she'd let fall.
"I don't want to hurt you" she whispered, taking solace in the warmth of the hand holding hers.
"You won't" Emma reassured her gently, bringing their hands up to the indicated spot. Emma didn't flinch in pain as their fingers reached her scalp so she must have been telling the truth. The darkened eyes never left hers, reassurance and encouragement shone back at her. Regina felt the raised skin beneath her fingertips. The scar wasn't large but it was significant. Emma's hand fell, but Regina let her fingers roam on.
Her thumb traced the healed laceration. It was protruding but felt smooth. The mark was proof that this was all real. That everything Emma had said was true. It was probably the reason Emma was sitting in front of her. The only reason her true love was still alive.
Regina allowed her hand to fall easily cupping the blonde's cheek. Emma's skin looked sallow even in the increasing illumination from the rising sun. Despite her complexion and dark circles under her eyes she was still her Emma. Still just as beautiful as she had always been.
"Still perfect", Regina whispered, her thumb tracing Emma's cheek, relishing in the small smile that graced the other's lips.
"I don't think I've ever been perfect but thank you" Emma replied with genuine appreciation lacing her tone, almost as if she had been worried about Regina's reaction towards her newly donned scar. It took a moment however for the usual cocky smile that was truly Emma Swan to form. The blonde caught Regina's hand easily before standing and leading her to Regina's side of their bed. As soon as her bare calves felt the mattress, the brunette sat.
Emma placed her mug upon Regina's night stand, before almost volleyed the older woman to land on her own side. Definitely still Emma. Upon landing the young woman fluffed up her pillows and with a sigh flopped down. With a contented smile Emma reached out for her mug which Regina could only pass with an incredulous look.
The blonde however did not take a drink, but instead placed it on her side table, while Regina put her mug in the spot Emma's had just vacated. How was Emma still so…Emma like. Everything the young woman had been through was enough to weaken anyone's resolve. Emma on the other hand, while she was obviously scared of what was to come she was still Emma; still the daughter of the Charmings' and ever the saviour.
When Regina rolled onto her back Emma's eyes were closed. The blonde's right hand was resting on her stomach and Regina couldn't help but need to touch her. Feel her solid presence next to her. She took a hold of the frail hand and traced the flesh feeling the veins beneath her fingertips. At the wrist she felt the strong pulse beating just beneath the surface, though just above that she could feel some scarring too.
Emma must have sensed her concentration was now on that one spot because the hand was raised as was Emma herself. Emma sat up and leant back slightly on the headboard. Regina turned Emma's hand over easily and she could see the slight mark upon the light flesh below though it did not seem to be a scar, it looked pinker in colour. "It's where they put in an arterial line to monitor my pressure" Emma explained. Once again the younger woman was using jargon Regina had never expected she would ever need to know in this world.
"When they took it out there was a bruise. Like this huge five inch bruise" Emma explained indicating with her other hand just how big the bruise was. How was medicine in this damn world so barbaric and damaging to the human body? Regina could not lie even to herself; healers here could do more and go further without magic than she would expect but their way of doing it seemed almost cruel.
Regina realised she had been staring at the slender wrist when she felt Emma's eyes upon her. Looking up she caught the Saviour's gaze and saw the other woman's slightly lopsided smile. The brunette couldn't help the gentle sigh under Emma's searching gaze. Regina placed a tender kiss upon the once bruised flesh before laying back down, facing her lover their hands now entwined.
"When I first had the op done I had huge black eyes" Emma continued as if there had been no interruption. It was now Emma's thumb that danced across her skin, soothing away any bad thoughts. Emma however did not look at Regina, but instead was staring straight ahead. "I looked like I'd just gone several rounds with Muhammad Ali, then been ran over by a truck and was still somehow conscious" the other woman carried on with the same sense of wonder in her tone that Regina's mind held.
"Normally you have to stay in hospital for anything between five days to two weeks but I didn't have anyone to make sure I was okay so they had me in for longer", Emma explained her tone held a hint of shame. The hospital thought she didn't have anyone, but she did; and Emma knew it. It was evident in her tone and the way her body tensed. Emma had no one to make sure she was okay because she had made the decision not to tell anyone. She'd made the decision to do all of this on her own.
"Most of the first week is kind of a blur, though it was because of the meds they had me on, not my brain" the younger woman explained to the opposite wall, without breaking stride in her story. Once again this world's medicines had made things just as bad if not worse than the ailment they were meant to heal. They had made Emma sicker, not only did she have to endure a terminal cancer but fight a losing battle against the treatment aimed to cure her.
"They had me on a boat load of steroids and anticonvulsant medication...and painkillers it's all kind of a blur" Emma finished explaining. Her tone was steady though the accompanying small nervous laugh told Regina the experience was not as light as Emma was trying to suggest. Emma was trying again to spare her the pain of knowing the whole truth of her ordeal and maybe she'd let it slide. The thought of Emma going through all this made her feel sick. She had been unable to shelter her love from her body breaking down. Regina was one of the most powerful magical beings there ever was and she couldn't save Emma from any of this. She was powerless.
Regina curled into the warm body next to hers, relishing in the feeling. She felt Emma's arm tighten around her. Goosebumps appeared upon her skin despite the late June warm air and the towel draped around her frame. She could get lost so easily in Emma's embrace. Close every window and bolt all the doors to lock out the world, but soon the world would come knocking and demolish their warm bubble to the ground. Regina had to be ready when it did.
"Go on" the former Queen whispered. She heard Emma release air from her mouth though the noise seemed to be of contemplation rather than annoyance or any other negative emotion. "You don't have to…" Regina reassured securing herself further into her lover's hold, feeling Emma's heart beating against her ear.
"No I do, I can do it. I'm okay I'm just not sure what to say or where to start" Emma replied softly once again her tone hold no malice, no ill thought or doubt. She wanted to tell Regina everything, she was no longer running. While Regina wanted to know anything and everything she could about the blonde's life these last few months she couldn't help the feeling of foreboding.
"As I said most things are a blur but I remember waking up after my operation. Everything hurt; my head, jaw, throat from the breathing tube and they kept shining this bright light in my eyes which hurt" the other woman explained bitterly. Despite Emma's want to shield Regina from the true extent of the pain she went through, the older woman could hear it in her voice.
"I had what felt like at least ten IVs and intra-arterial lines. I don't think it was that many but I was full of wires and tubing thankfully they only lasted a few days" Emma explained with a faux mirth in her voice. Even the comforting way the blonde's fingers were playing with Regina's tresses did not lessen the unease she felt or heard in her lover's speech. The former Queen could have been there, to hold her hand and sooth the pain the blond had felt. She could have sat by her bedside and eased every ache and reduced any discomfort. She could have been anything Emma needed her to be.
"I slept a lot. The first day they had me on this heating pad, I was freezing. You know when you go outside in winter and you struggle to breathe?" Emma asked though her tone had changed. Regina realised because Emma had been cold for three months, she had gotten used to it. By the sound of things it hadn't been the same deep level of cold as that first day but still Emma had been suffering since that day. Regina curled tighter into the body next to hers, trying to maintain Emma's heat with her own.
"Yes", Regina answered breathlessly, looking upwards at her bed fellow to see that Emma was finally looking back at her.
"That kinder cold" Emma confirmed softly. "The second day they gave me earplugs because I was extremely sensitive to sound. The clock in the room hurt when it ticked" the other woman said as she lifted her hand to her head in a soothing motion as if trying to rub the memory away. Regina fought the urge to do the same. She settled for holding the hand in her own that little tighter.
"The headaches were a bitch... would be considering I'd had my head opened up" Emma said laughing softly though her eyes told Regina there was nothing to find humorous. The thought of being inside someone's head, dealing with their brain made Regina feel nauseous. She suspected if Regina ever shared this view Emma would think she was crazy considering the former Queen's ability and past of taking and crushing hearts.
"They kept coming in, asking me all these questions. What day was it? What's my name? Did I know where I was? Who is president? Rather thankful it's still Obama or I'd be screwed" Emma continued with a much more genuine laugh. The other woman's fingers were still stroking Regina's hair and dancing across her hand which was now laid flat against Emma's middle. The former Mayor could almost pretend it was just any other night Henry spent at his grandparents' if only the topic under discussion was more enjoyable.
"They were basically checking they hadn't messed up my brain. Oh I can do sudokus now. Not like really quickly but I can do them" Emma said flashing a smile that showed how proud she was of herself. A smile Regina couldn't help but return. The brunette could remember on more than one occasion the other woman would try and fail to do one of Regina's Sudoku puzzles.
"Well done dear" Regina replied and saw Emma's smile increase. It was a small triumph, but seeing how proud of herself the other woman looked Regina couldn't help but feel equally as proud. Something, even if it was something as small as a puzzle had made Emma's life easier and make her feel accomplished these last few months, Regina was grateful for it.
"It's been three months since I had it done, so I could drive again though it took me like seven hours to do a four hour drive" Emma continued with a slight eye roll. Regina remembered the journey from when she adopted Henry. The journey back however had taken considerably longer than the journey there due to a screaming new born, causing her to stop many times.
"I just wanted to take it slow and with talking to mom and everything, it just tired me out you know" the young woman explained looking slightly shameful. Regina remembered Charming saying Snow was too busy to pick up Henry, and she remembered the bitterness she felt at hearing the words. Snow had in fact been talking to Emma, for seven hours. For once she felt guilt towards her ill thoughts about her former stepdaughter.
The fact that Emma had called Snow, even knowing why did not make it easier to hear. Regina should have been the one Emma called. She would have listened and talking as Emma drove the distance separating them. She would have still been angry and would have screamed at Emma upon her arrival but she would have been what Emma needed her to be for those hours. Or maybe the blonde would have told her everything and there would have been no shouting at all.
"I told her not to tell you, I wanted to do it myself. I owed you that" Emma said her voice barely over a whisper, her tone dripped with sorrow and guilt. Regina felt her stomach flip dramatically because Emma had told the person she'd rang after hearing the fatal news. She had shared her terminal story with the woman she had rung at the moment she needed someone. It hadn't been her; it had been her mother. Regina was surprised Snow had even let the young woman leave the apartment upon her return to Storybrooke.
Regina remembered Snow standing in Granny's and looking over them. It had looked as if she was going to come over and talk them. Regina had practically run with Henry out of the place before her former stepdaughter got her chance. However it hadn't been to cause a scene or to start another argument as Regina had believed but maybe to tell Regina, Emma was coming home. To give her warning or maybe just to tell her of Emma's prognosis.
"I think she nearly did" Regina admitted, ignoring the pain she felt at the knowledge that it had not been her Emma had rang. Ignoring the pain that it had looked like Emma's story was yet another secret Snow had almost shared despite being told not to. It had not been because of Snow that she hadn't been able to divulge Emma's secret but Regina leaving the diner before she could. "Henry and I were in the diner when you rang Snow earlier and looked as if…" Regina explained being cut off by the look of horror upon Emma's face.
"God Henry…" the blonde exclaimed softly. The sunken eyes were wide in dread, before they closed slowly. Regina expected the blonde to pull away from her, though much to her own surprise she felt Emma's grip upon her hand tighten. The brunette felt her pain towards Emma ebb with understand and instead shared the pain she saw on her lover's face.
Regina had her own feeling of dread. Their little boy wouldn't be so little anymore once he knew what was going to happen to his other mother. Everything would change. But he did deserve to know. "Emma we'll do it together. I will tell you until I'm blue in the face; you don't have to do this alone" Regina reassured softly. They could do this, and do it together. She watched as Emma's tears fell. Before the brunette could move to swipe the stray tears away, the other woman let go of her hand and did herself. When Emma's hand was laid upon hers again she felt the damp tears coating them.
"I know. I always knew Regina; I just didn't…want to put you and Henry through it" Emma explained her tears still fell hard down her face. Regina felt her own eyes burn and vision cloud as her own tears formed. Whether she agreed with Emma or not, she could see that Emma believed it. Despite the fact the blonde knew Regina would do it, would have supported her through it all, she had believed she was protecting her. Saving her from the pain of it all, and for that Regina could not have loved her more than she did right now.
"I know what you're thinking and what you're going to say…you'd have done it. I know" Emma continued with an almost assured tone to her voice, and small smile graced her lips. She knew Regina so well. The only response the former Mayor could give was a small nod. She would have. She would have done it and then some. It was what you did for the people you loved. It wouldn't have been a chore or a burden. It would have been difficult and there would have been tears and probably knowing the pair of them lots of arguments but they would have been together.
"I tried you know" Emma said softly, her voice still thick with emotion though the tears seemed to have stopped falling for now, only the old were drying upon her pale face.
"What?" Regina asked as confusion engulfed her body.
"Telling you" Emma confirmed gently. No she didn't. Emma had never told her. She hadn't tried. Regina would have remembered. There was no awkward moment in which Emma could have spoken the words or silences that spanned a lifetime in which they had looked at each other and Regina would have identified what Emma was going through. Regina had dissected any waking moment she would remember of their relationship to work it out and had not come to any conclusion. So no Emma had not tried to tell her.
"No you didn't" the brunette stated and saw Emma's face fall. Emma sat up further. Pulling away from Regina once again and the older woman felt her heart sink.
"In the sense of saying the words, no I didn't. But I did try. So many times" her love explained sounding ever so much like the abandoned orphan she'd been for twenty-eight years, her voice breaking so deeply it physically hurt Regina to listen. Emma's eyes shone full sorrow and desperation for Regina to understand and believe her. Full of worry that she wouldn't, and might take her love away from her much as she had done with Snow before she'd left. Emma put up a brave front but she was just as fragile as Regina often felt. Despite Emma's flight upwards, Regina held on that little tighter, her grip possibly even bruising. She was not letting Emma run away from her.
"But the words never came out" Emma admitted breathlessly. "I knew once I did, every conversation after would be about my cancer" she continued sadly. It was only then Emma's hands fell back upon her, though the grip and attention was not as intense as it had previously been.
"That's not true" Regina exclaimed forcefully.
"What else have we talked about since I told you?" Emma asked her voice void of any emotion, though her facial expression was one of understanding. Regina could only gulp softly. Nothing. All they had talking about since Emma had uttered the words "He found a brain tumour" was that brain tumour. They had fought to lose comfort in one another and even that had threatened to be destroyed by the cancerous cells in Emma's brain. Less than six hours ago Emma had dropped this bomb upon their lives and they had discussed nothing else. What else was there to discuss? Worth discussing?
"Yeah" Emma said sadly. The blonde's eyes shone with understanding. This had been Emma's life for months now. She could see that every person that knew about her condition had talked about nothing else. Regina had begged for a chance to forget, if only for a short while in her lover's embrace; Emma had had no reprieve. Cancer had become her life. Every waking moment, with the knowledge that even in her sleeping hours her body was failing her.
"You left without telling me. You were going to leave without even telling me you were going" Regina said, feeling bad for bringing it up again. Only this time she knew why. Her tone was not one of anger, though she still felt the anger boiling in the pit of her stomach. It was not one of blame, though she still blamed Emma for leaving.
She now understands why Emma left, but it still hurt. It still carried the pain it had for the last three months, because Emma had left her. The one thing she had promised she would never do. As Emma held her close to her chest on their anniversary and they had stood in the doorway of the place Regina had lost the last person she had allowed her heart; Emma had promised she would stay for as long as she had power to do so. Except she hadn't. Emma had the power to stay or at least to let Regina run with her, and she had abandoned her. Emma would eventually have no power over her coming or going in this world, but three months ago she did. She broke that promise and that hurt more now that she why, than it had that day in Emma's office.
"I thought it would be easier" Emma admitted gently, her fingers once again working their magic against the back of Regina's hand resting on Emma's abdomen.
"For who?" Regina exclaimed unable to hide the feel of disbelief from her voice. How was leaving without a word easier for either them. She supposed it would have been easier for Emma, as she would not have to explain. Easier for Regina in the long run she guessed because she wouldn't have inadvertently gotten Emma to lie about loving her. She would however still have been tortured by the unknown. The older woman would still have lost nights of sleep over not knowing what she's done wrong. What had she done to push the woman she loved away from her? What should she have done to keep her, to keep them both happy? An explanation would have been easier.
"Both of us" Emma answered honestly. Not for the first time Regina could see the flickering of unshed tears in her lover's eyes. All Regina wanted to do was make it better. Make the pain and heartache fade to nothing. Except there was nothing she could do. There was no magical potion or enchantment she could do to make her Saviour well again. All she could do in response was release a shuddering breath and cling that little bit tighter. The tighter she held on the more secure she felt as she clung to only anchor keeping her afloat, but soon even Emma would be too full of holes to keep her head above the water.
"I was so scared" Emma admitted her voice flickering though there were no accompanying tears from Emma's eyes. There were some from Regina's though. The tone shattered her heart and made her feel sick. The thought of Emma being so alone, even if it was by choice and being that alone…That afraid was soul destroying. "I caved you know, the morning of my operation" the blonde continued sounding almost as afraid as she was describing.
"What do you mean?" Regina asked gently not to ruin Emma's resolve but also not to be too forceful for further confessions.
"I called you", Emma admitted quietly.
She remembered that call from Emma's cell. The one that came at around three in the morning. She remembered the hope and anxiety of it all. She remembered the odd noises, sounds of the hospital it seemed. Knowing the exact day of Emma's operation made it worse. It had been a dateless day; sure three months ago but it could have been any day. Knowing that it was that day…knowing it could have been Emma's last day. The thought of it was almost crippling. "Emma…" Regina couldn't help but let her mouth fall open in shock.
Emma simply looked ashamed back at her. Like a child who had been caught with their hand in the cookie jar. Her hand upon her own did not move though. It did not offer any soothing relief or comfort. It was almost completelystill, apart from its slight shake of nerves. Regina couldn't help but take it in her own. Hold it. Cherish it. Emma was not alone, and she did not need to fight this by herself any longer.
"You should have said something. Anything" Regina continued in disbelief. She had begged the silent Emma to say something. She had tried to remain calm as her insides turned to butterflies at the mere name on her cell's screen. She had stayed awake for almost an hour, fighting her tired eyes in case her absent lover called back again, and yet no call came. She'd woken her just after three for nothing, or so Regina had thought. Except she hadn't. She had called her because she had been scared. On that occasion it had been Regina, not Snow she had called. When she believed she might die in a matter of hours, it had been Regina she had called.
Knowing Emma had rang her on purpose … in the long run it made no difference, except in her heart it meant everything. She had gone months believing Emma did not care. Did not care about her, Henry or their family. Except when it mattered, when Emma was at her most vulnerable she had been the only one she had rung. It had been Emma who made the effort so Regina would be the last familiar voice she would have heard if the operation had gone wrong. Knowing that, made all the difference. The blonde hadn't spoken, hadn't said a damn word but she'd rang.
"I heard your voice. You sounded so happy and relieved I was calling. The words just... I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell you. I couldn't take it away from you" Emma explained softly her voice cracking with emotion as tears fell fast down her face. Once again Emma had been trying to save her agony of knowing. What would she have done if she'd known? Travelled the four hours to Boston which in the meantime Emma could have died on the operating table? Regina would have showed up just in time to claim the body of her dead lover.
Regina felt her tears fall scolding hot against her cheek. "You could have died" Regina breathed. The older woman felt Emma's fingers against her skin. She was trying to soothe something that would never be soothed. Never be loved away. She had the knowledge now. It was there engrained in her mind, almost as deep as it was in Emma's. The pain was buried so deeply into her heart it hurt to even draw breath. She had talked to Emma the day she could have died. She had cursed Emma's name when she woke tired a few hours later, all the while Emma was being operated on miles away.
"The last time I'd have heard your voice…would have been a happy… Okay not happy but not an argument or angry words" Emma explained to their joint hands. That had been one of Regina's regrets. If she never heard from Emma again, never got to see the woman who had stolen her heart once more; their last words would have been in anger. All Regina had focused on in the last three months were the fights and screaming matches. She had not been able to focus on the good memories for long. They had been tainted by Emma's apparent betrayal. Only that was wrong. Her assumptions had all been wrong and if Emma had died on that operating table or in that lonely apartment Regina would never have forgiven herself if the last words Emma had heard her say were those of malice.
"Like you said I was a coward" Emma's ashamed tone interjected her thoughts.
"Emma I didn't…" Regina cut across her, guilt and worry flooded her system. How could she have said that to her love? Called her a coward when she'd been through all this. Been through all this alone and had done it with her head held high. Emma had seen and done so much and she hadn't given up, she was still here and fighting. She had known stronger men in The Enchanted Forest; crumble under less than Emma had been through.
"Yeah you did. You meant it, and that's okay" the younger reassured, her drained face did not hold anger or contempt. Only love and understanding. Regina had meant it. When she'd called Emma that only hours ago she had meant it. She had meant the venom behind the statement and had relished in the look of hurt in Emma's eyes at the ease of the name calling. She did not mean it now. She would give anything to take it back. To take back all the hurtful things she had said downstairs and to sooth away the pain she had caused. Emma was not a coward.
"You didn't have to do it alone…" Regina started though the hand holding hers tightened as Emma interrupted her speech.
"Regina…" Emma exclaimed weakly, seemingly trying burying herself into Regina; though at Emma's raised height it was a difficult feat.
"No quiet for a second. You didn't have to do it alone, the fact you did I think makes you brave. Stupid and ever your parents' child, but brave" the former Queen reassured carefully. She watched as shadowed eyes closed slowly as if trying to absorb Regina's words. They were true; Regina meant them with every fibre of her being. Emma had been foolhardy in her attempt to this all on her own, but the ability to do it was commendable.
"There is no such thing as bravery when it comes to the inevitable Regina. Just because someone fights something with a stiff upper lip does not make them brave" Emma explained with what sounded almost like disdain in her voice. The blond believed she was not worthy of the praise and that she was not brave. Maybe she was right there was nothing else she could do, but it did make her courageous in Regina's eyes nonetheless.
"There is no choice, no control. All I was doing was stalling the inevitable. All I have been doing is staying alive, it's not brave" The other woman continued gently as if explaining something simply to a child, though neither her voice nor tone was condescending. To Emma it was a fact of life or she supposed…death. Regina let out a shuddering breath that carried the pain of the unavoidable future. Emma's grip tightened once more round her frame though Regina couldn't remember it loosening.
"I fought for it. I never knew if it could ever happen again, but if it could…if…I kept fighting for you and Henry" Emma explained strongly, her tone and shadowed eyes however held uncertainty.
Regina didn't like the hesitation or the tone. "It sounds like … like you've given up?" she stated clearly. The brunette would not let her give up. Not on her, or them. Emma had not been fighting for so long to give up now. Sure the future was inescapable, but that did not mean Emma had to just surrender to it.
She saw Emma's head shake in the negative and couldn't help the rush of pleasure at the gesture. "I never could. Pretty sure it's my hard-headedness and Charming genes but I can't give up" Emma stated with a half-hearted laugh. Her attempt at a joke. Regina offered her a saddened smile, it was the best she could do. Emma in returned placed a small kiss on the top of her head.
"My ideas of what I'm fighting for, they've changed. I can't fight this Regina, it is going to happen. Now…I'm fighting for time" Emma continued though her tone sounded much more serious now. It sounded honest and if Regina was right, afraid. Time was not something Emma didn't have much of.
"As much as I can and I want to enjoy it. Time with you, Henry, mom … dad" Emma furthered trying to sound certain and reassuring. Regina heard the tone of hesitance when talking about her father though. She remembered the hurt look in Charming's eyes when Henry had retold a story from one of Snow and Emma's phone conversations. Regina couldn't help but wonder why she had been so distant to her father. She could understand Emma's reasoning for not keeping in touch with Regina and Henry but she could see no reason to avoid Charming. Not when she had been so forthcoming with Snow, even if their interactions had been a lie.
Before Regina could ask however Emma spoke, diverting her attention away from the former shepherd. "Henry wants to do something tomorrow. With Mom, Dad and me. I was going to ask for permission and then ask if you wanted to come too" Emma explained timidly before her voice died out to nothing.
The tone was one she was very familiar with. One Regina wasn't happy with or liked that she knew it well. It was the one that Emma had used in the start of their relationship when it came to Henry. She had been unsure of her limitations, what she had been allowed to do with their son and what her place had been in their small family. This question was asking for permission. While it was polite, and good mannered that wasn't where the question came from. It came from uncertainty. Uncertainty of their relationship, of the place she held in their son's life.
"Of course, you don't have to ask dear. Whatever it is I'd love to join you two" Regina replied. No she did not want to spend time with the Charming duo however if it made Emma and their son happy she would do it. She would put on her usual mask and biggest smiles and enjoy their day together. She would do that for the two people she loved more than anything.
"I don't want him to know yet" Emma exclaimed softly, her eyes flickering with worry that Regina couldn't help but emulate.
She wanted to point out it was Emma's avoidance that had lead them here. Three months with no contact, Regina worrying herself sick for all the wrong reasons. She didn't worry enough because she'd never been told. But much like Regina herself, Emma was allowed to pretend. If only for a little while. They would talk and decide together.
"Okay" Regina replied simply, though the look of worry did not shift from the blonde's face.
"I know I need to tell him. I will. Just not yet. He was so happy when he saw me" the younger woman explained her face almost full of the wonderment Regina could imagine their son's had held when he'd seen his birth mother earlier in the evening. But the wonder was lost in the blink of eye much like Henry's would be when they finally told him. "He won't be happy anymore when we tell him" the former Sherriff said her voice almost void of the happiness that was always present when she talked about Henry.
We…Emma said we. She was right and it was that petrified her most; apart from the obvious of course. Regina was Henry's mother she was meant to make everything better. She had always made things better when he was little. A kiss and cuddle could cure almost anything. For everything else the fix had been a movie, while eating ice cream, wrapped in a blanket that came up to their chin. No amount of kisses, cuddles or bowls of ice cream could make this better. Emma and Regina were going to have to tell their son, and that was the worst pain of all. Henry was the truest believer, he believed in happy endings and happily ever after. He believed in his mothers and there was nothing neither of them could do but break his belief. Neither was invincible.
Regina snuggled in tighter. If someone had told her thirty years ago that she, The Evil Queen would be a fan of "snuggling" into anyone she would have blasted them away with a fireball. She would have believed them less if they had said the only place in any world she felt safe was in the arms of Snow White's daughter. And yet here she was wrapped tightly around the woman she loved. Though Regina couldn't figure out which woman was clinging onto the other more tightly. Both afraid of what would happen to them if they let go.
"Could we wait? Give him tomorrow? Tell him after or something" Emma suggested, her tone still one of panic though to a lesser degree. It seemed the idea that she was not alone in this anymore was finally sinking in.
"Yes" Regina exhaled, unsure she could keep her emotions at bay for much longer. She had to be strong for both Emma and Henry. She was frightened though. The thought of one more day. A few hours, that was all that stood between Henry's brightest smiles and infectious laughter and his mothers destroying his happiness. As Emma had said it was inevitable.
"I want him to enjoy it. He won't be anymore if he knows. I want him to be happy" Emma explained sadly. Regina had no retort or defending argument. Emma was right. Maybe they should tell him sooner rather than later, but what was a few hours of fun. They'd be giving him some family time with his mothers and grandparents before they ripped his world apart and turned it upside down.
"Okay" came Regina's easy submission.
She hated that she now understood. She did not completely agree with it. She did not approve. Emma had left her without an explanation. She'd robbed them all of the time left. She, Emma had done that. But it was to spare both of them the pain she knew they had to inflict upon their son. And yes, she supposed Emma's feeling of selfishness was right, because she would give anything not to do it. Not to rip apart his dreams and ideals. His belief in everything good and right. There was no good in this. There was no right. Emma was good. She had achieved so much and yet so little. It was neither fair nor right that her love's life was being taken away from her. From them. Emma was good and did not deserve this.
There was a pause before Emma spoke again. "Regina…" the former sheriff breathed warily.
"Yes", the brunette replied not liking Emma's cautious tone. Emma sounded frightened.
"Can I tell you now?" Emma's broken whisper sounded so softly it was almost as if she felt it rather than heard it.
It took Regina a moment to remember what Emma meant. The thing Emma had wanted to tell her. The thing she had stopped Emma from revealing in fear of the fallout. Instead she took shelter in the depths of warm flesh it seemed would not hold their heat for long. Sweet kisses, baited breath. Feathered touches and delicate declarations of love. Much like Emma she had tried to run, only her flight had been into the arms of her lover not over two hundred miles away in Boston. Her escape she knew would never work and she would always have to come back to reality. But then it seemed so did Emma for she was here, pressed into her, her fingers caressing her so gently, so carefully as if it were Regina who was broken and damaged.
She could not speak. Emma's tone suggested it worse still than all she had divulged in the last few hours. Fear and dread coursed through her veins. All she could do is nod, because maybe Emma was right in her well placed fingers and soothing touches. Maybe she was about to break, fall into the abyss that had no bottom but instead of a gleeful freefall their relationship had been, all it would hold was hurt and despair.
Emma placed a kiss into Regina's hairline, inhaling her. Almost as if stealing one last kiss before the final blow was delivered. The brunette couldn't help but turn her head a little; leaning into the soft lips she loved so much. The lips that had offered her a future they would never live. A future her and their son would venture through alone with only fading memories of the woman they'd had to leave behind. The woman who had made the last two years full of life for them and had created joy from pain and heartache.
"Before I went to Mom's I went to see Gold. I made a deal with him" Emma breathed warm air against her skin that had turned ice cold at the confession.