Title: Last Thing You'll Do
Author: Calliope-plantain
Rating: M
Pairing:Regina/Emma
Disclaimer: I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.
Storyline: Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.
Author's Note:Due to length, this chapter was split prior to completion. I hope to get the second part finished and to you by the 2nd of March – though my health may not permit it.
Beta: Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she's missed and any feelings of distress are her fault ;)
"The next heart you crush will be mine" – 45-Spacer.
"You did what!" Regina all but yelled at the woman lying only inches away from her. Regina moved to sit up not caring about the bunched towel that fell from her frame. She was now looking Emma in the eye begging her for an explanation, only Emma didn't answer.
Gold. Emma had made a deal with Gold. That didn't make sense. Why would she do that? Why would she chain herself into a debt with the former Wool Spinner? Emma knew how dangerous it could be. The blonde knew about the former Queen and the man's past, Emma herself had even owed him a favour years ago. Why would she do this to herself again? To them?
"But why would she do it", the thought kept repeating in her mind. She had said Gold was unable to do anything when she was first diagnosed. Why would she go back to him now? She couldn't help the rush of hope pumping through her veins. It was almost as strong as the feeling of fear bubbling in her insides. The Dark One had been able to do something. Surely Emma should have lead with this instead of telling her everything. Yes Regina wanted to know, she was thankful she did know but it could have waited. This…this was much more important than that other stuff. It was vital and uplifting. It was hope and happiness. It was a dream come true. This is what Emma should have started her story with. With a dread that nearly knocked all the air out of her, she considered the price. What did Gold now hold over Emma? What unspeakable deed did he ask of her? What was Emma now being forced to do, in return for her life?
"What was the price?" Regina asked with a rush breath. She had to know maybe she could reverse it. Maybe she could make her own deal with Gold to null and void Emma's terms. Maybe she could use her own magic to save the young woman from whatever fate her former teacher had forced upon her.
"What?" Emma asked clearly confused. It wasn't a difficult concept. In fact when it came to Rumplestiltskin it was a very simple process.
"What was the price Emma? What is he making you pay?" the brunette fired, feeling her inside turn to mush. This was real fear. Fears only ever matched by watching Henry take his own heart from his chest for Pan, and the time that followed. You did not make deals with Gold, Emma knew it! Regina's hand caught easily on Emma's knee and gave it a slight squeeze. It was all she could offer.
"He said he didn't want much" Emma answered back her tone now of equal urgency. Much ... the imp didn't want much. That didn't sound like Gold. Not in the slightest. "He said he didn't want much from a dying woman" Emma confirmed breathlessly and it felt as Regina had been shot through the chest. The wind had been simply knocked out of her and all she could do was watch Emma getting off the bed and tightening the robe around her. Distancing herself from Regina yet again, except the brunette did not follow. She couldn't move.
"What did he want?" Regina asked her voice slightly octaves higher than usual.
"Some of my hair" Emma answered her tone now increasing in panic it hadn't had previously. Regina was making her worried. Emma should be worried. You don't just make deals with the imp and everything is fine. Regina was living proof of that. Why did he want Emma's hair?
"Hair..." Regina asked her inner question cautiously.
"True Love" Emma mumbled quietly her head hanging low and her hands playing with cord around her middle. She wasn't looking at Regina a sure sign that something was wrong. True love though what did that have to do with anything? Gold had his in Belle. "He had some from Mom and Dad's to bring back magic. He'd been using it to bottle true love or something" the blonde explained altering her weight between her feet, almost shuffling from side to side. Regina knew about that. Gold had brought magic back after the curse broke.
"What does that have to do with you?" Regina asked softly. Part of her was glad it seemed whatever it was, was not connected to Emma being the Saviour. She was very thankful for that.
"I'm the product of true love" the younger woman responded tilting her lowered head to the side and risked one eye with a squint in Regina's direction. Emma's reply was an easy enough answer. It made sense, replenishing the stock except Regina couldn't help but think of what he did the last time was an ingredient so valuable. That couldn't be it. Gold did not work on easy. Sure maybe for Neal...for Henry but something still wasn't right.
"What was the deal?" Regina asked as she leant forward slightly though the blonde's raised eye was lowered again. A clear sign of avoidance. Emma was afraid, and Regina had scared her. The former Queen needed to know. Needed to know what was coming and why. Except the question wasn't asked as Regina former Queen or Mayor. She asked as Emma's lover and partner. What had Emma asked for? What had she gotten them in return for a few strands of hair?
"Emma please what did you ask for?" Regina asked not caring for her begging tone. She was safe with Emma. It was not a weakness with her. To be vulnerable with Emma was okay. The other woman had said she was dying so what had she asked for. Had Gold being able to procure some miracle? Had he allowed Emma and her family more time?
"Time did you ask for time?" the older woman asked trying to keep her voice as calm as possible. Emma wouldn't answer her if she was scared or feared of a rebuffing. She knew Emma. Regina had gotten things wrong in the past but she knew Emma better than the back of her own hand. She could see the young woman's resolve crumbling. Regina needed to know the facts. These facts and fast.
Emma shook her head, vigorously so and Regina couldn't help the pang of worry deep with her chest at the thought of what was growing inside her skull. It was like a time bomb waiting to go off with no counter balance or way of refusing it. Emma needed to be careful. "No ... yes but he couldn't give it" Emma answered quickly as if hearing it would lessen the blow, like ripping off a Band-Aid. Emma looked so small in the robe that was slightly too big for her and holding herself so tightly. Regina ached to be those arms holding Emma so tightly. She would once this was over once she knew the answers, she'd hold Emma so tightly she could never escape again.
"Emma please, tell me!" Regina begged again, only this time Emma looked up completely as if readying herself for battle. Her stance was one of pure defence though, as if she were afraid for Regina's attack and it sickened the brunette. Emma's eyes raised upwards as her teeth worried her bottom lip. Contemplation of what to say next, it was a look Regina knew well. It comforted her slightly.
"He gave me the best health he could, until…it happens. This is it" Emma answered her voice shuddering dangerously though the tone was one docility. It was with a flick of her wrist down herself Emma gave her a sad smile. This was the best Gold could do? How was this it? This was what had become of the head strong and perceiving woman Regina had fallen so deeply in love with. God what had Emma been like before she saw Gold?
"You didn't see me Regina. It all got too much and the infection pretty much wiped me out" Emma continued as if she was backtracking and Regina realised she hadn't spoken after her confession. What was there to say? What could she say? She was powerless, a pawn in fate's grand plan just as she had always been. Much like Emma had always been though it seemed her time was coming to swift end and there was nothing that could be done. Regina couldn't help but flinch at Emma's unintentional wording. How could one human body withstand so much and still be upright. How was that even possible, and how was it Emma believed knowing all this, going through all this did not make her brave? In Regina's eyes it made her the bravest person she'd ever met. Also possibly the most stupid or certainly in the running for the title against her parents because who made a damn deal with Rumplestiltskin!
"He gave me the ability to enjoy whatever you and Henry offered me. I'm still...I'm dying. He couldn't stop that" Emma admitted carefully, her hand now returned back to its previous place around the blonde's midriff. Regina felt the stab of pain directly to her heart and bitter taste in her mouth. Emma was still dying. It felt as if Emma was breaking the news to her all over again, and she struggled to breath passed the lump in her throat.
"I was a wreck" Emma continued her voice cracking and Regina could feel the pain Emma must have felt. She wished more than anything she could carry that burden for Emma. Carry the pain and sorrow, if only for a little while. Her own was suffocating her but she's gladly taken on more if it meant Emma no longer had to.
"Hearing the doctor say there was nothing else they could do... it broke me" the blonde said her voice breaking before fizzling out. Regina felt herself trying to calm her breathing but she could feel her own grief rising from within. Feel it threatening to consume her and she couldn't let it. She would cry and scream; and grieve but she would do it with her lover in her arms. She would be the strength Emma needed now. She would give it all up for the woman she loved if only the former Sheriff would let her.
"I'd kept wishing for magical cures and miracles. I kept wishing that being the saviour meant something. Being the product of true love meant something. In this world I'm just a person not worth much to anyone" Emma finished quietly to the foot of their bed and Regina couldn't help but move towards the other woman at the tone in Emma's voice. That was not true!
"Emma..." Regina said cautiously, trying to take one of the blonde's hands only to it pulled away. Emma rubbed her hand across her eyes, much like Henry did when he was tired. The younger woman shook her head in a negative. She was worth everything. She always had been. She was worth the world and then some. Gold had offered her a deal probably knowing her desire for product of true love status to mean something as the condition; and Emma had taken it.
"They offered me hospice care" the other woman confessed quietly. Hospice care was for the dying. For comfort and no more worries or burdens. An easy and carefree way of passing on. Emma really was dying. "I did the first thing that came into my head. I discharged myself and I came home" Emma continued her confession with a wavering tone. Her arms shielding her from the outside world.
"So you came back because you were too weak and needed help?" Regina asked clearly, trying to understand.
"What? No!" Emma said her voice rising in record time, and her darkened eyes finally came to rest upon her. While Emma's face suggested upset and annoyance at the suggestion, her story simply said something else. Emma had found out she was dying, there was nothing she could do so instead of going to an unknown hospice she had come back to Storybrooke.
"That's what it sounds like" the brunette retorted. She hadn't meant anything bad by the question but it certainly did sound like Emma had given up and had returned home to receive the help she needed in the time she had left. Regina was angry again now though. Not at Emma needed help. God not at that. Emma was too stubborn to admit it. She would have given it readily.
Emma turned slightly, the too big for her bathrobe swayed in the whoosh of wind caused by the moment. Regina could feel her own heart beating within her chest, the beating drum quickening by the second. There was nothing wrong in needing help, nor asking for it. It was something Regina never thought she'd say or think. She'd been taught love was weakness but Emma and Henry had taught it wasn't. It was strength. It was vital to live. Before Emma and Henry, Regina had been surviving not living. Her need for vengeance had sustained her but now she was truly alive. Emma had taught her that and made her feel that with every fibre of her being. It was not weak to need help or to seek it. Except Emma hadn't been too weak had she? She'd gone to Gold, the one damn person someone like Emma did not need help from.
Regina could see Emma's face reflecting in the mirror across from their bed. The blonde's head was slightly bowed as her fingers gripped the chair of the vanity. Emma was breathing heavily, though from this angle the older woman couldn't see if tears had fallen. So many tears had been shed so far tonight. Was this what their life would hold until the inevitable came? Would both women just be caught in an endless rollercoaster of tears, fights and comfort? They would hold on to each other as tight as could be during the steep track up merely to separate at the top and fall with a sheer drop into the uncertain abyss; only to seek the need in the other's arms at the bottom. A repeated routine until the day Regina would fall alone into nothingness.
The eyes of Emma's reflection rose to hers, even in the dim light Regina could see the tears that threatened to fall. She could see the raging breathes the other woman was pulling into her lungs as if she was being suffocated by an unseen force. Regina couldn't move. Her body just wouldn't cross the distance between them. It could not offer the comfort Emma needed, because what comfort could be given. How could Emma have been so stupid as to go to Gold? Maybe the hair was all he needed but it was certainly enough. Regina had seen the man cause havoc and mayhem with less than a few strands of hair.
The eyes in the mirror lowered again, clearly not getting the comfort they required. It was then the sob rang out. Regina saw the lips she loved so much open and heard the cry fall from them and saw the body she adored shake uncontrollably so. Before Regina could even register what she had to do Emma was moving away. She walking towards the door Regina had left opening when she brought up their drinks. "I came home" the fleeing woman cried over her shoulder as she pulled the door to, with a resounding slam.
Regina was left in the deafening silence in Emma's wake, which seemed to vibrate with the energy she had left behind. With the pulsating magic Regina felt buzzing within her skin. Emma had come home and it was almost too late. She'd gone to Gold for help instead of asking Regina. She had made decisions that would affect all their lives forever, without even asking. Just as she had done three months ago when she left for Boston without warning. She could see the lasting pain of the previous few months, the illness and her situation etched into her love's face. The beautiful face of the woman she loved was permanently marred by the agony she'd faced alone. The universe had screwed them all over, and Emma had rolled out the welcoming mat and had given it free reign.
Regina felt the strangled cry fight its way up her throat and let it tarnish the perfect silence as she jumped out of their bed. With rushed anger she treaded heavily over to her dresser pulling out a pair of pyjamas at random before pulling them on roughly. Regina could still feel the residual heat of Emma's body against her skin. Could still feel the feathered touch of the other woman's fingertips. Those sensations had never left her, just as the sound of her voice had never faded from Regina's mind. They were things. Personal things Regina would never forget, and it seemed fate was trying to tear them away from her yet again. The former queen felt herself sag against the adjacent wardrobe as her tears overcame her.
Regina felt her legs give way as she slid to the ground, her body failing to struggle against the grief that was forcing itself down upon her. How could this be it? How was she supposed to keep going? Knowing what was going to happen. Knowing that Emma wasn't going to be there to hold her every night and wake up next to her every morning. Knowing that there would be a time when she would never get to taste those lips again or hear Emma's enchanting laugh. How was she meant to keep going knowing Henry's other mother would never see him graduate or simply grow up into the handsome man she knew he would become. Knowing that the agony she had wished upon her enemy for decades was finally coming and Regina would give anything to make it stop. This wasn't supposed to happen.
Regina let her head fall upon her rested knees, feeling her tears soak through the silk trousers and not really caring. Expensive and material items meant nothing against love. She had figured that out long ago. The curse had never satisfied her but then Maleficent had warned as much. She had taken her chance because nothing could be worse than what she was experiencing then. How foolish she had been. There is always worse. Sitting scrunched alone upon the floor of her and her partner's bedroom she realised things could always be worse. Regina fought back a shiver at the thought before panic flooded her system. Emma had stormed off wearing only a bathrobe. It was Regina's thicker robe but it still wouldn't do much to hold out the cold. Emma said she'd look at her differently, and right now she did not care if the blonde was right.
At a bound she was up, out of the room and down the stairs in was no light on in the whole house, but then what need was there for one in late June. Regina could see from the light shining into the hall way while the sun wasn't fully up it would be within the hour. A noise from the kitchen caught the former Queen's attention and without thought she followed it.
She found the absent woman sitting at the kitchen table now donned in clothes from the partially destroyed cardboard box. There was left over items in a pile on the side. The blonde's forehead was resting upon the cold wood, arms resting at either side of her head. The stance made the older woman feel nervous, though she could see in their time apart Emma had stopped crying. Her breathing was still coming out in slightly laboured puffs though. Emma's posture did not project comfort. It suggested pain. Regina could remember the night of the missed spelling bee, Emma had sat much in the same position as she did right now. Blocking out the pain and world. Had she pushed Emma too far? She didn't want to make any of this worse, but then there was little that she could to make it worse. She watched as Emma's body tensed, clearly sensing her watchful eye.
There was a moment's pause before Emma turned her head slightly looking directly at her. The blonde's eyes were bloodshot and sore looking. They looked much as Regina's felt. As if there was sand being rubbed around inside. The brunette felt her heart drop at the intense look her lover was giving her. It was an equal match of anger and sorrow. It was a change from usual looks Emma gave her. Devotion, anger and if she was a little bit honest with herself possibly her favourite was anger mixed with passion. It was the look Emma had almost continuous glared at her with during her first year in Storybrooke. Right now she missed it. She'd give anything for the sadness to leave Emma's eyes. Except the sadness was unavoidable. Emma was dying and she'd stupidly gone to Gold for assistance. Maybe Emma and she after talking about it would have gone to Gold for help, but it would have been a joint decision after ruling out the pros and cons.
"Did you come for atonement?" Regina asked cautiously, leaning back against the doorframe. Keeping her distance was possibly best for this conversation. Except it was a decision she regretted making the second Emma's cry rang out in the small room as one of the blonde's hand came down against the wood hard. Regina moved to offer some comfort ... anything, as Emma buried her face in her hands again. Regina watched as Emma pulled on her hair, and heard the anguish screams and felt her stomach flip at the action.
"I didn't want to be alone" Emma confessed with a broken stutter into her mess of limbs. The heart within Regina's chest felt as if it crumbled at the noise. The fragmented sobs of her damaged lover resounded in the huge kitchen. Regina once again felt her legs weakening beneath her, only this time she made a stand. She stepped forward, towards Emma as the blonde head was raised and glistening reddened green eyes stared back at her.
"I am a coward, and I am selfish. I wanted my family back!" Emma all but shouted at her in desperation. Tears streamed down her fair face. Her tone also held guilt. Guilt for making Regina suffer this too. She was sorry for giving Regina the pain she'd carried alone. Emma wasn't concentrating on the gift she'd given her with it. The gift of the time left. The memories they could create together. Memories Regina would carry in her heart and soul for the rest of eternity.
"I didn't expect forgiveness. I don't deserve it" Emma spat looking away from her once again, only this time her gaze travelled the length of the kitchen. A hand was bunched yet again roughly into the blonde hair. "I didn't expect you to even let me into your house never mind your bed or your heart again. I didn't expect this" the blonde admitted quietly and Regina watched in profile as further tears slid down Emma's cheek.
Regina's breath caught and ached in her chest. Their house; their bed. Emma had never left her heart not for a moment. That is what made their time apart so difficult. Regina had repeatedly said Emma didn't have to be alone. Emma was sitting in their home because she did not want to be alone. She didn't want to die alone. She did not expect to forgive Emma. She wasn't sure she even had or could when she knew what they could have had in those missed months. But she wasn't about to throw away what they did have. What they could have during Emma's remaining time because she was angry and hurt. She had given into those emotions far too often in the past and it nearly destroyed everything. She would be happy and enjoy what time they had left together. She wanted to be happy.
"I love you" Regina responded as if it was enough of an answer, and it was. Emma turned her head once more. She looked completely destroyed. Regina loving her was never meant to make her look so pained. So broken. As if she didn't deserve it.
"I love you" Emma replied. She was saying it, not responding to Regina's own confession. And it broke her heart. Loving someone and having them love you back was not meant to hurt so much. It hurt because there was nothing they could do. Nothing they could do to stop it from coming. Emma had fought her damned hardest, even Regina could see that and yet here they were. Regina trying so hard to be uncharacteristically optimistic while Emma was living on borrowed time. Time the blonde had managed to take and grasp onto because of her half successful treatments.
"I'm sorry" Emma breathed. The look in Emma's eyes said she was saying sorry for everything. Sorry for running. Sorry for coming back and putting her through all this. Sorry for loving her and causing this pain. Sorry for being mortal. Sorry she was dying.
Regina stepped forward cautiously in case this wasn't what Emma wanted. Only Emma didn't move or object this time, and so Regina wrapped her arms around her. The brunette pulled her impossibly close and held on. One of Emma's hands was rested upon her hip. It wasn't rushed or forced. The hold was simply there, as if reassuring. The slight crouch due to their height difference strained Regina's back a little and she didn't care as she rested her chin upon the recently cut tresses.
"Gold doesn't do quick and easy Emma. I…thank you" Regina said feeling her throat strain with emotion. She was letting them enjoy what whatever time Emma had left and had made sure they're last memories would be filled of Emma at the high of her health or at least what Gold could give her. Sure she had witnessed Emma having headaches but they weren't as bad as they had been before she left and they seemed manageable by pain medication. She'd seen Emma's inability to keep warm for long periods of time but an extra layer of clothes sorted that too. What Gold had given them was considering the circumstances, almost perfect. Henry even when the time came would not remember his birthmother being in extremely levels of pain. He would remember that he was loved right up until the end. Emma's deal with Gold had given him that. Had given Regina that. Except Gold's deals weren't ever that clean cut. Not ever.
"But did you not consider the fallout" she inquired delicately.
"No I just made the decision on a whim" Emma answered her tone dripping with sarcasm.
Regina bite back the retort that, that was exactly what it sounded like Emma had done. The blonde had heard her doctors could do nothing else for her and understandably so reacted. Only it did not sound as if Emma had thought it though and considered the circumstances of her decision. The saviour was not the first nor would she be the last to fall victim to Rumpelstiltskin's ways. He sort the weak and wanting and offered them exactly what they needed. But it always came at a price. A price the person would never see the downside of or would choose to ignore because they never believed it would be as bad as the situation they were in.
"Gold may have meant what he said. This could be all you get…we get; and that's…that's incredible" Regina spoke softly, her voice filled with amazement. Except she could feel the feeling inside. The boiling feeling of dread; waiting for the other shoe to drop as it were. "But he can use that hair…your hair anyway he wants. It's his now" Regina added attentively in an attempted to sooth the woman in her arms. She was afraid of what the Dark One might do with her lover's hair but at least for now, she wasn't angry at the woman. She understood.
"Did you forgot he used your parents' hair to bring back magic, and then summoned a Wraith to suck out my soul which lead to you being transported to the Enchanted Forest. Amongst other things" Regina explained trying as hard as she could sound not judgemental. Not angry. Calm. She did not want another fight. She craved to have Emma in her arms and she wanted to keep her there. She never wanted to let her go. Except Emma pushed the standing woman backwards forcefully, using Regina's hip as leverage.
Regina had to take several steps backwards to balance her and stop her from tripping and falling to the ground. The hurt and confusion she felt at Emma's resistance was nothing to the emotions she felt at the look upon Emma's face. She saw anger and what looked somewhat like hatred. Regina felt the rush of nausea and couldn't help but hold her breath through it.
"Well I'm sorry, Emma fucks up again!" the blonde screamed at her, and it instantly became apparent the feeling of anger and hatred were aimed at the blonde herself. It did nothing to ease the repulsive feeling her stomach, because it was a feeling Regina knew all too well.
"Emma…" the brunette exhaled. Regina didn't even know if she could offer comfort. It was possible Gold had wanted her hair to replace the lost potion and would simply keep it. A trophy as it were. Except he had kept Snow and Charming's hair for decades before putting it to use. Maybe the Dark One would wait and use it after they were no longer at risk? Regina could hope for nothing less at the expense of what they'd been given.
"God how could you ever put up with someone as shit as me" Emma said her voice filled with self-loathing. Regina had never heard Emma use a tone like it and it only intensified the sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach. The former Mayor swallowed the bitterness she felt rise in her throat.
"Don't…" Regina warned softly, feeling her chest clench at the sound of her love's words.
"Don't treat me with pity Regina. I may deserve a lot of things, but pity isn't one of them" Emma said with almost a snarl turning fully in her seat so they were now looking directly at each other.
"Emma I wasn't" Regina stuttered. The former Evil Queen stuttered under the deathly glare her lover had her under. It effectively pinned her to the spot because the look upon Emma's face terrified her. A moment later she saw the flicker of defeat and the roll of Emma's eyes upwards as if sending out a silent prayer to anyone who was listening. The blonde cupped her hands around her face, shielding her from view. Though neither sobs nor audible cries could be heard and Regina resisted the urge to go to Emma again. To hold her. It was obvious that right now the other woman did not want it, expect it seemed as if Emma believed she did not deserve it. It was passed Emma's usual flare-ups of weakening self-esteem. Emma truly believed it and it broke Regina heart to witness. Maybe she should just do it. Go to her, hold her and never let go. Fight through Emma's attempt to stop it until the young woman had no more fight in her. Until she realised just how deserving of love and comfort she really was.
"Fuck" she heard the other spit in frustration. It was then Regina remembered Emma's explanation of her mood swings. That she would be happy one minute and another emotion the next. Was this what this was? Was Emma's side of the argument yet another side effect of her condition? It wasn't as if she could ask and check. It would make Emma even angrier and rightly so if it was genuine.
"Emma…" Regina breathed again, hearing her voice buckle considerably. She just wanted to make it better. Make it as better as she could, and enjoy Emma's company. She did not want further fights or things to be said in anger that they'd regret later. If this was a side effect it would have to be Emma that dealt with what words she had spoken in misplaced anger. She supposed at least Regina knew now, except it was making her doubt Emma's outbursts when maybe she shouldn't do. She really was looking at Emma in a whole new light and she detested it.
"Will you please just stop" Emma shouted at her, her voice filled with pained desperation as her head shot back up. "I managed without a mother for twenty-eight years of my life. I don't need to be told what a bad little girl I've been" the other woman continued almost spitting with venom but Regina could see it wasn't aimed at her but maybe herself once more. Emma had always seen herself as not good enough. Not special enough. She saw herself in a way that was enough to survive but her damaged past had all but ruined her self-esteem. There were moments when Regina would complement her and the older woman saw the disbelief in the blonde's eyes. She saw doubt and even amazement in her features because Emma truly believed she wasn't good enough.
"I have Mary-Margret for that" Emma carried on and Regina heard the unmistakable tone of disappointment. Regina never thought she'd miss Emma calling the woman "Mom", because of course the former sheriff had spoken to Snow. For hours the two women had spoken and had discussed Emma's prognosis and decisions. Emma had heard most of this from her mother, and Regina knew Snow wouldn't have let it drop. Just as she had done to Emma when she revealed their relationship, and to Regina when Emma had left. Snow didn't know when to let things lie. Regina was now doing the same.
"I get it I fucked up. I should have told you. I shouldn't run. I should have…I can't change it. None of it" Emma's voice broke. Regina could see in her face it broke for what had passed, and what could have been. It broke over the "buts" and "what ifs". It broke over the tatters of what their future should have been, and Regina couldn't help but share in the pain and tears, and felt hers fall and die upon her face.
"I cried, begged and prayed Emma. Me. I don't beg and I don't believe in ... God. Whatever form people are meant to be believe in" Regina added superciliously and could feel Emma's unwavering gaze upon her every movement. "But I did it. I begged you to come home. I prayed that you'd be okay. I begged you to stay, I begged you to come home" Regina continued her tone softening with every word under Emma's watchful scrutiny. With a shake of her head, Regina saw more tears fall from Emma's face. The blonde was no longer hiding her tears, and in part Regina was happier for it. Emma was letting her in.
"I wanted to come back" Emma admitted softly and Regina couldn't help the small pained smile she gave at the confession.
"You should have" the older woman answered easily. She'd been saying it all along.
"I know" Emma exhaled, her eyes still swimming though only the occasional tear was permitted to fall, marking the young face. Regina took pause for a moment. A moment to consider what Emma had just said. Emma knew she should have come back. Wasn't hindsight an agonisingly beautiful thing?
"We could have done something. Looked for answers together" Regina suggested knowing it did little to change things now. All it did was remind the woman that maybe, just maybe they could have done something. If she'd known sooner. If she'd realised all the things she'd noticed meant something. Maybe they could have done something.
"It's my life Regina" Emma said with what sounded almost a scoff.
"It's my life too! God damn it Emma!" Regina shot back in disbelief hearing her own voice crack. The ever present tears were there in an instant, constricting her breathing. She felt a few tears scorch down her face. How could she? Regina felt her blood boil within her veins and magic rage within her skin.
"It's me who is dying Regina, not you!" the other woman replied back easily, her tone of desperation didn't seem to fit the statement.
"You... I...What the hell Emma?" Regina sputtered feeling her eyes and mouth widen in disbelief. As if Emma believed it mattered that it was her, Emma who was dying and not Regina. As if the moment it happened Regina wouldn't die inside. As if it didn't affect her as well. If anything it affected her more, Emma would eventually die and leave her alone to raise Henry. The suffering would be over for Emma, and while Regina was extremely grateful for the idea of her lover not being in excruciating pain any longer; she was still leaving her with her own. On her own. Emma had fought this alone. She had ensured it alone by choice. A choice that Regina did not have. Once the time came she would be alone with no one but Henry to share in the pain and grief the other woman had left behind. How dare Emma even think, never mind suggest it did not affect her.
"I didn't mean…It's me not you" Emma said with let huffed whine as she dragged one of her hands across her face. The words reminded Regina of an early in their relationship Emma had managed to get Regina to watch some romantic comedy and Emma had scoffed at the leading man for using a similar excuse to break up with his girlfriend. Was this what this was? Emma was leaving yet again. How was this possible? Emma had just said she wished she'd come home sooner. Why was this happening to them? Any of this?
"Why should you have to go through all this crap because of me?" the blonde asked her question dripped with a desperate uncertainty.
Regina couldn't help the feeling of disbelief that rolled across her. She felt it plough straight into her midriff, almost knocking her over. "Because I love you. Me, Henry...your parents. We love you" Regina replied urgently, begging the woman to understand.
"I'm not used to that" Emma whispered and Regina felt it as if Emma had raised her hand slapped her with an open palm.
"Well get fucking used to it" Regina spat harshly. She saw Emma recoil at the harsh tone and tasted the bitter tang in her mouth again. The anger bubbling just beneath the surface wasn't helping matters. Regina just wanted to scream and break something again. The sadness in Emma's features only made her feel worse. It seemed Emma truly believed everything she was saying. Had the last two years together been for nothing? Had Emma thought Regina was lying every time she'd paid her a compliment or said she loved her? Had Emma doubted the older woman's feelings all along? If so the blonde was the best actress she'd ever seen.
Emma looked shocked. It wasn't the first nor would it probably be the last time Regina Mills swore, but even Regina felt the difference in her meaning and emotion. Regina understood Emma's past and the hold it had over her now. It was much like Regina's. She supposed it was why Emma claiming she did not love her anymore back in her office all those months ago had Regina so easily fooled. Except it hadn't. In Regina's heart she felt the hurt and betrayal of her lover's words but her brain refused to believe them not fully. Refused to accept them. To accept that it had all been a lie. Regina knew there was something wrong and she'd had her doubts. That was what she was telling herself anyway.
Emma stood looking scared now. The idea of Regina loving her no longer seemed to upset her, but frighten her. Regina swallowed back the bitter taste that came with the idea that just sometimes when Emma looked at her she did not see the woman she had once confessed to want to share her life with, but the Evil Queen she had once been. Maybe that previous identity would have been enough to save Emma. To save her from all of this. Even if that were so she would done everything in her power to help Emma. She would have done anything, even if it meant losing her in the process. Except Gold had been her choice, and it was with a harsh stab of guilt Regina wondered if that had been why. Emma had jeopardised her health so Regina wouldn't go back her dark past.
"You went to Gold AGAIN instead of me" Regina spoke trying to keep her facial expressions and emotions schooled. She saw however Emma's searching look, the look which made Regina feel as if Emma were looking right through her. How was it someone knew understood her so well, believed the things Emma did. How did Emma not see the love she felt for her? Whatever happened to the woman who had held her so close upon that December night claiming despite Regina's fresh confession of love, she had known for months. Where was she now? "I deserved to know that you were…dying before that wretched little imp" Regina's voice spoke under Emma's knowing gaze. What sounded like an angry cry was Emma's only reply.
The former Mayor needed answers. She needed to understand and more than anything she needed Emma to understand her beliefs weren't true. Despite her anger and hurt, the love she felt for Emma burnt so deeply into her very soul it was overpowering. She needed Emma to know that. It was with a ragged breath she realised had Emma died in Boston she would have never known. She would have died thinking the worst of Regina.
"Twice you went to him. I can understand the first before you knew for definite, but tonight..." Regina breathed her words sounded much like an unwilling confession. Emma had made a deal with Gold. She had gone to Gold to shield Regina from the truth of her condition and the possible pull of darker magic the news might have encouraged. Emma had endangered herself so Regina did not have to. Emma had jeopardised so much for her, for them. Something she should have never have done, and something Regina would have done for her without question.
Regina was relieved when Emma stepped forward. Despite the look of anger on her face, she saw the passion shining in the reddened eyes looking back at her. The passion she knew well, the one that only Emma could emanate. She saw the moment the younger woman made a stand and made them equal once more. The way she had always done before they got together and even after, being the only one if Regina was honest ever to do so. Before she became Queen, Cora made herself more superior over her and after Regina sort to do the same over others. Emma was the only one to challenge her, who made them equal partners. She was no longer recoiling at Regina's harsh confessions of love but, jutting out her chest and stepping forward towards her.
"I called you" Emma said anger lacing her voice, with a finger point directly at Regina's face. Regina bite back an aspirated sigh. She already knew this, and while it meant everything to her that in the early hours before Emma's operation it had been her she had called; it did nothing to calm her. Gold…Snow she had chosen these people over her. "I called you first Regina. You didn't pick up the damn phone just like I knew you wouldn't" Emma continued with a scoff that was filled with pain nonetheless.
"What?" Regina asked breathless.