Title: Last Thing You'll Do
Author: Calliope-plantain
Rating: M
Pairing:Regina/Emma
Disclaimer: I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.
Storyline: Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.
Author's Note:Sorry it's taken me so long to update. My operation went okay, but not as expected. Complications and side effects have made my life hell.
Beta: Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she's missed and any feelings of distress are her fault ;)
"The next heart you crush will be mine" – 45-Spacer.
"I called you first Regina. You didn't pick up the damn phone just like I knew you wouldn't" Emma continued with a scoff that was filled with pain nonetheless.
"What?" Regina asked breathless.
That didn't make any sense. Emma hadn't called Regina. Only that once, and she hadn't even spoken. Regina would have answered any calls the blond had given her. It might have been begrudgingly but Regina couldn't even hide from herself the feeling of joy she knew she would have felt at the thought it.
"I rang your cell and got no answer just like I knew I would" Emma repeated as if it made it clearer. That wasn't possible. Regina stood opened mouth at the admission, while Emma simply looked slightly annoyed.
"Where is it? Your cell" Emma demanded harshly, with a gesture of her hand as if she thought maybe she had it on her in her silk pyjamas.
"Charging" Regina answered feeling her throat constrict at her response. She'd charged it to ensure it was full powered for Henry's evening out at his grandparents'. The landline was too far away during the night if something went wrong. Even then in the drama and confusion of the other woman's return, the phone had remained charging downstairs. Emma stalked passed her out of the room.
It had never occurred to her that she'd need it during the day. The only people that ever rang her were Henry, his grandparents and a select few of the Storybrooke residents - people she would see in town. She had left it at home.
Emma was back, and she thrust the small device into her hand. And there they were ... four missed calls from Emma. Around the time she had been at the diner with Henry. Possibly even from when they had been driving there. Regina must have missed it by minutes. Regina stood in shock at the words upon the screen and even continued staring as the back screen dimmed.
"You'll even find a message on the answering machine as well that I guess you didn't check" Emma said her tone still one of slight accusing though much lesser now. She never checked the answering machine at home. If someone needed her that badly they would...ring her cell. No one really rang her anyway. "I thought you might not have picked up because you saw it was me, so I tried ringing the house instead" Emma explained her voice becoming quieter with each word. The silence that followed the last sentence was thick and heavy. It took a moment for Regina to even register the blonde had stopped talking.
"I left it here I didn't even know ...I would have answered" Regina confessed quietly still looking at the now black screen of her phone. Tonight could have gone so differently if only Henry and she had left a few minutes later or if she'd taken the phone with her. Emma had called her before she rang her mother. She had made that decision. She'd made the decision she had always said she would. If it came to it, Emma had always said she would pick Regina over her mother and here it was. The fact of it left a disgusting taste in Regina's mouth. Now the decision had been made, she wished more than anything Emma had not needed to make it. The young woman had had to decide because she was dying.
"Yeah right" Emma said disbelieving, pulling Regina away from her silent staring competition with her cell phone. The blonde was now looking at her incredulously, eyes wide in doubt.
"Excuse me?" Regina cried out in defence.
"The night I came out of hospital I was going to ring you, but I wanted to check that everything was okay in case you didn't answer" Emma answered and for the first time since she had come down stairs she saw her. Saw her Emma. The slightly blabbering, never knowing when she shut up Emma. The one who got nervous over talking and Regina felt the light whoosh of amusement at the memory of Emma's attempt at the Sheriff debate oh so long ago. She could still see the disbelief in the lines around her eyes.
"I hadn't been allowed my phone on so I couldn't get the numbers while I was in hospital. They took my phone after they caught me considering calling you the second time just before they were going to take me down to the operating room" Emma rambled, her hands moving almost as fast as her speech. While Regina found it, for a lack of a better word adorable to watch Emma get tongue-tied it so far she did not hear anything which would make Emma believe she wouldn't answer her desperate call. "I was allowed it back, I knew I could have asked one of them to call but I wanted to. I didn't want you to hear from a stranger" the blonde added with a deep swallow. The younger woman's hands were shaking and Regina had to fight the urge to take hold of them. She also had to bite back the urge to say that if she'd died a stranger would have called her anyway.
"So I rang my mom when I got sorted that night and we got talking and I found how easy it was to lie to her. Probably makes me a shit daughter but its true" Emma explained with a saddened smile. Regina couldn't help but feel for the other woman's mother. Snow had believed everything that Emma had said to her these last few months. Emma's easy reference to the other woman as her mother however told the former Mayor that while the stories had been a lie the connection hadn't. That had been real. While Regina couldn't help the feeling of hurt at the fact Emma had talked to Snow and not herself, she was pleased for Emma. She'd finally gotten the mother she had always wanted.
"I enjoyed hearing a friendly voice for the first time in almost a month and yeah we talked too long" the other woman said with a slight laugh and a look which suggested guilt. She felt guilt at talking to her mother that night. Emma could have died; she should have called one of them sooner. Okay so Emma felt she couldn't talk to her or Henry but her mother or father. Ruby or god Neal…there were so many possibilities. Of course she talked for a long time to her mother. She had revelled in the very fact she was alive. Emma had waited until she was back…home, no apartment. This was Emma's home. She had waited until she was released to talk to the people who loved her and who she loved back. It was no wonder she had talked for so long.
"But I decided regardless of the time I was going to ring you after I'd had my first bath on my own. Without the assistance of a nurse and sponge" Emma continued and Regina saw the look of determination in the young woman's eyes. She could imagine how Emma had looked during the night in question. Ever the determined, head-strong and independent woman she loved. Regina could barely hold back the shiver at Emma's throw away confession. How helpless and in need Emma had been that a nurse had had to help her bathe. It should have been Regina helping her not someone who was paid to care. Paid to run a sponge over the body Regina loved so much. Except Emma had wanted Regina as her partner, her lover not her nurse or mother. Regina knew however the call never came.
"But it took too long and I was exhausted" Emma explained and Regina could almost feel the ache of tiredness pouring from the other woman in waves. It was almost as if the mere mention of the tiredness Emma had felt that night had reminded the blonde of how little sleep she had so far this evening. "And then I realised I'd strained myself too far because my head was killing me" the other woman continued with a shake of her head. To shake away the tiredness, the pain and heartache. Regina flinched at yet again at the intentionally worded of her love, because the cancer really was killing her.
Emma's tone no longer held anger or malice. Her eyes held pain though. It wasn't pain caused by the illness or her resilient migraines. Regina couldn't place its cause, but guessed it was the reason Emma had thought she wouldn't answer her. How could Regina not answer the plea from the woman who changed her life for the better? How could Emma think she wouldn't? "So I went to bed instead. I could call the next day after my appointment at the clinic" Emma clarified though her voice dwindled down to nothing. Regina couldn't even hear her breathing despite their proximity, because of the booming pulse flooding her ears. It was all Regina could hear.
It hit Regina like a tonne of bricks. She knew what was coming next. Henry had come home the morning after one of his stays at his grandparents' and told Regina that Emma had called Snow and they had talked for hours. She had been furious with the blonde and after several drinks she had taken matters into her own hands. She had been sober enough to remember, but drunk enough not to care.
"Oh god" Regina gasped her cell free hand clasped to her mouth. She had berated the other woman. She had bitterly claimed not to love her just as Emma had confessed, and tried to make the young woman feel worthless. She had thrust every anger filled thought and word she could think of at the young woman and she had enjoyed it. The former Queen had claimed not to care …oh god. She'd said she didn't care if she was dying in a ditch and that Emma had been right in believing there was nothing for her here. She had demanded she not come back. This is what Emma's last memory of Regina would have been had she died and not returned to Storybrooke.
She had meant none of it. Not a single word. While in her drunken haze she had enjoyed the hatred laced words that had poured from her mouth, she had enjoyed the way they fed her need to rid herself of the woman who had abandoned her. She had enjoyed the feeling of the glass tumbler she had been drinking from smashing against the wall showering her in tiny pieces of glass, just as fragile as her broken heart. Come morning when reality hit her full force in the form of a hangover that made her feel as if she had her own brass band in her head, she felt regret. She felt guilt. She felt remorse and couldn't help but wonder if the other woman would ring her simply to spite her wishes. Or what Emma would have believed to be her wishes. Regina had hoped she would. She would call to apologise or beg forgiveness. Something. She never rang back. But surely Emma hadn't believed her words. But looking at her now all Regina could see was the small broken orphan that every family had returned, looking back at her. She'd believed it.
She could see the tears pooling and falling freely from the other woman's eyes. Emma made no attempt to stop them or to shield Regina from the truth of them. Though her face did not hold the anger it had as she had thrust the device upon her, it only held hurt and sorrow. Of course Emma hadn't come back. It was clear why she had believed Regina wouldn't have answered. Emma had believed she truly meant those words over two months ago. Emma had believed her drunken lies; much as Regina had believed Emma hadn't cared enough to call her back to check. Why would she have rung back? The former Queen had believed if Emma had cared for her at all maybe she would have done, and in fact it seemed to be the very opposite. It was because Emma cared she had not rung her at all.
"I wanted to come home" the younger woman added with a wisp of desperation, her arms wrapped themselves around her midriff. Emma seemed to sag and shrink beneath her watchful eye. Regina's love wasn't supposed to make Emma feel small or huddle away from her. It was supposed to make her feel strong and invincible, courageous and resilient.
"Emma…" Regina couldn't help the cry of anguish that fell from her lips. She hadn't meant those words. She had been angry and lonely. She had been hurting and so desperately wanted…no needed the other woman with her. She had felt betrayed and it was the only way she knew how to react. Her mask. She had worn it in over the many years of Queen and then worn it out as Mayor. Emma had all but prised it from her. Regina had believed she would never have need for it again.
Except she had because Emma had walked away. The one person who she had entrusted with her heart had stolen it and there was nothing Regina could do. So she put back on the mask and acted as if she didn't care. Emma, the one person that knew Regina better than any other hadn't been able to see through the old mask, because she hadn't been expecting it to be there. Regina had known what to say, she had known what would hurt the other woman if she had any love what so ever left for the former Queen, or even if she hadn't and used it to cause all the damage she could. That knowledge and power was crushing down upon the older woman and making her head swim. Regina could feel her heart race in her chest as it ached with the pain she could see that she had caused to the other woman. Caused to the woman she loved.
"I left so I wouldn't put you both through this. It was hard enough that I had to, it was unbearable thinking of putting you and Henry through it too" Emma said her voice barely over a whisper. If the house around the two women hadn't been intensely silent Regina wouldn't have heard the other woman speak, though her quiet words were spoken to Regina's bare feet. Emma was unable to look her in the eye and it caused the dull ache in Regina's chest to crescendo to a piercing agony. Tears fell down the brunette's face as her breathing came out in harsh whimpers.
"I was scared of what it would do to you, him…us" Emma added impossibly quietly. Regina felt her move forward slightly, placing her cell upon the countertop next to her. Her laboured breath quicken as she saw Emma shuffle backwards, away from her. The clutch the other woman had upon her midriff tightened, as if she was physically holding herself together. Regina bite back the audible sob she felt wracking through her chest as Emma recoiled from her. Emma however wasn't finished. "If I got better…I was naïve enough to believe I might, I didn't want to lose what we had. Okay I'd have a hell of a lot of repairing to do, but…" the woman continued though her voice seemed to diminish to a silent breath.
It was then Emma sobbed. The cry was one of torture and distress, Regina could see the agony painted in every feature of Emma's face. She'd seen her love cry before. Not just tonight but in their time together and before. She had seen tears of pain, distress and anger. She had seen Emma's tears of happiness, joy and ecstasy. Regina had been the cause of most of them at one time or another. None of them had ever made Regina feel the way she did in this moment. Standing in their kitchen, Emma was so fragile and small. So broken and beyond repair. Regardless of the emotion Regina had always shared in Emma's tears. Right now was no different.
The emotion she saw and heard in Emma's sobs and whimpers was going to suffocate her. She needed her lover. She needed the other woman to understand. She had not meant the words. She had not meant to hurt Emma or make her doubt her love for her. Regina stepped forward once again, only for Emma to step back once more. The chair Emma had not long vacated scuffed the floor as Emma knocked it slightly in her flight away from the former Queen.
Regina felt her heart plummet. It fell from her mouth to the pit of her stomach in record time and made her feel lightheaded. Was this it? Was this all they could be? Would ever be? A collection of unattainable dreams, broken promises and the pain they'd caused one another in an attempt to protect themselves and each another. Another painful sob ripped through Regina as her hands balled themselves at her side, itching to cling onto the other woman. To hold her and cherish her. To make her understand, she wasn't broken. They were not broken. They could be strong together. Emma's mouth opened and closed but only quiet sobs escaped her soft lips.
"Pushing you away…I lost you anyway and the voicemail…it just made it real" Emma said softly, confirming for the first time what Regina already knew. Emma had believed her lies. "I'd lost you and there was nothing to come back to. So what was the point?" the woman breathed her voice and breath shaking dangerously so.
Regina couldn't help but think of Emma listening to that message. The defeat the other woman must have felt. Emma had been fighting, and had fought to stay alive. She'd endured weeks in hospital and having her brain poked, prodded and hacked at in order to have a chance of getting better to return to her family and then Regina had done this. Had left her that message. Despite having Emma in front of her, being so close she could touch her; Regina could hear and feared the tone of defeat in Emma's voice. She wondered how often Emma had thought "What's the point?" in the last few months. How many times Emma had considered just giving up. Giving up the fight or even worse taking her own life, believing she had nothing left to live for.
Another sob racked through Regina's chest. It was nothing like its predecessors. It burned its way through her lungs, as bitterness rose in her throat. Her skin seemed to freeze as goose bumps arose upon her flesh. Her vision blurred as her brain fogged. Emma had everything to live for. She had a teenage son that doted on her and clung onto every word she said as if it were law; and she had Regina who loved her so entirely, she'd do anything she could just to make her happy.
"Emma please…" Regina begged, pleading with the younger woman. She watched as Emma's grip around her stomach constricted further and Regina wondered for a brief moment if she was going to run. Only Emma didn't move, but she did look up. Regina could see Emma's tears glistening upon her cheeks in the dawn's light shining through the window. The blonde's shoulders shook greatly as Emma tried to regain composer. Something the blonde should never fear losing in front of Regina. Regina was meant to sooth away the pain, not cause or add to it. She was meant to wipe away the tears and hold her until everything was okay. Only this time it was never going to be okay again. The brunette stepped forward once more with a shuddering breath, except Emma didn't step back this time.
Regina took her moment and rushed at the younger woman, taking fistfuls of Emma's now baggy top in her hands, pulling her in tightly flush to her own body. The top had fit Emma snuggly like a well fitted glove before she'd left and it now hung off her slight figure. So many things had changed in a matter of months, but Regina's love for the other woman was not one of them. "You never lost us. Not ever. I love you. Damn it, do you hear me" Regina said through gritted teeth as pulled forcefully upon the fabric in her grasp. She clenched her jaw painfully tight to try and stop the on slaughter of tears, but it didn't work.
"I love you" she whispered once more feeling her warm tears continuing to fall but she saw Emma nod ever so slightly. She felt Emma release the hold she had upon herself, only to engulf Regina around her waist, pulling her impossibly flat to her frame.
"Me too, so much" Emma breathed as her voice shook almost intangibly so. The grip Emma had upon her waist was painful and Regina revelled in it. She felt Emma's strong unwavering hold upon her, felt her fingers clutching her flesh as if she were frightened to let go. Emma had no reason to be frightened not now, not ever. Regina let her head fall to the crux, burying her face in the skin. Inhaling the younger woman, she couldn't hold back the tears or the sobs that escaped her lips which were only marginally muffled by her lover's skin.
She could still feel Emma's shoulders quivering as almost silent sobs shook her body and they both held on to one another. Regina felt Emma's laboured breath in her hair and felt the tear filled kiss placed upon her head, as her grip tightened. They stood virtually stock-still clinging to their lover as their own and shared grief rolled over them. How could this be happening? How had this become their life? How was it they'd both finally gotten what they had been searching for their whole lives only to have fate it rip it away from them.
After several minutes Regina's tears had slowed to bare minimum, though the ache in her chest still lingered. She supposed maybe it would never truly go away. She still held Emma though, or what was more accurate Emma held her. Regina still had Emma's t-shirt bunched in each hand though her grip and loosened considerably since her initial outburst. She could feel Emma's heart beating against her hand, and feel her pulse beating in her throat. Emma was still very much alive with her arms wrapped around her. How was this it? Gold had given them a gift. Whether the lock of Emma's hair was truly the only price their family would pay she didn't know. They would have to wait and see she guessed. Their family of three could enjoy Emma's last months together. Though if what Emma said was true and Gold's enchantment enabled Emma to have the best health until…it happened there would be no warning. Part of her was happy for that; they could enjoy every last moment. The other part of her wanted to curse the little imp, for not giving them warning. Emma would be okay until she wasn't.
She felt Emma's body sag a little against her. Unlike Regina, Emma hadn't had any sleep and further more after the last hellish twenty-four hours the other woman had endured she was amazed the young woman was still standing. She moved to use her stance as an anchor to push the other woman back onto the slightly off kilter kitchen stool Emma had just nudged only to feel resistance. Emma was pushing back, holding her tighter. It hit Regina that Emma thought she was pushing her away.
"Emma you need to sit down before you fall down" Regina reassured her gently. Really Emma should be going to sleep, but Regina feared the blonde's reaction to the suggestion. She placed a small kiss against the skin she's previously been burrowed in, and felt the grip upon her waist lessen though it did not slacken completely. The blonde let her guide her backwards only altering her hold on the older woman when she felt the chair behind her in order to hoist herself up. Once seated, Emma's hands returned to their place on Regina hips; and Regina stood between the blonde's parted knees. It was as if Emma was afraid of letting her go. Regina couldn't help but sweep away the few strands of Emma's fly away hair out of the way of her face, and brushed away the quickly drying tears from her cheeks.
"You should have rang me. Told me. You've never been one to back down Emma" Regina breathed not caring her voice carried a slight whimper. Why had this been the one time Emma backed down. They fought. They had always fought. Before the curse broke, after, in Neverland. In their relationship. There had always been heat and passion, they were both so passionate and so easily fired up. The other woman was the only one that could ignite and distinguish the raging flames within Regina. Why had Emma chosen that night to be the night she'd given up? Given up on Regina and on them. Why hadn't she fought back? Fought tooth and nail.
"You could have told me" Regina amended softly, Emma had already said she wished she and Snow would stop telling her what she should or should not have done. Emma was right and Regina knew it, it couldn't be changed now.
"I didn't even know how" Emma admitted quieter still. She had tonight though. Okay she'd just come out and blurted it out with no grace but there was thought behind it. But it was better than not knowing at all. Better than thinking the worse. Though Regina supposed thinking Emma didn't love her anymore was better than this. Better than their reality. But since they could not escape what was happening, Regina preferred she knew. She preferred she knew that Emma was dying loving her just as she had always thought she had, until that horrible day months ago.
"I couldn't even… The message I was just scared" Emma confessed, and Regina saw the reddened eyes lower slightly. Possibly in shame, but also in doubt. The brunette waited until they rose again to her own before speaking.
"I didn't mean it. I was angry. I'm sorry" Regina said and for the first time she realised voicing that notion. She needed Emma to understand that. She'd been wrong in saying the things she did, and while it may have been justified she shouldn't have done it. And she was sorry for the pain it had caused the other woman, and for anything she'd made Emma doubt. She saw Emma's eyes flicker and maybe even the corner of her mouth twitch, though she wasn't sure what was going in Emma's mind. But then it was gone before she could even consider it.
"You sounded like you did" Emma said, with the familiar worrying of her lip. Regina knew she sounded like she meant it, because in that moment she had. Or at least felt the emotion behind the words. She had meant to hurt Emma because she was hurting. But the words that came out of her mouth, she had not meant them. "I still have it on my phone if you wanna hear it" the blonde suggested with defiance though the tone was weaker than it usually was.
"No I don't" the former Queen replied firmly, lowering her hands to the blonde's thighs. She was trying to offer comfort to a feeling she'd meant to cause. It had had the desired effect, and she hated it. She hated she'd made her lover doubt anything about her. She felt what she's seen in Emma's eyes when the other woman had admitted she'd only said she no longer loved her to cause minimum damage. Regina on the other hand had wanted to cause the maximum hurt, and god she was sorry. She really didn't want to hear it. Had Emma listened to it more than once?
"I know I keep saying it but in the start I didn't want to drag you through this. I didn't want to hurt you and Henry any more than I had already but then after…" Emma's voice quivered slightly and much to Regina's surprise the blonde maintained unwavering eye contact. "Then I thought you didn't care" the other woman breathed heavily, so much so that Regina felt it brush warmly against her cheeks.
"I cared. I care. God Emma I care more than you will ever believe. I would have dropped everything to come with you" the brunette reassured at a rush. She had heard the past tense. Emma "thought" she didn't care, just maybe Regina was getting through to her. Though she supposed their proximity had already confirmed that.
"Regina that's exactly why…" Emma objected, and Regina felt the slender fingers biting into her hips.
"Are you saying you wouldn't do the same for me?" Regina challenged firmly, ultimately cut across the other woman. She felt the thighs beneath her hands flex and watched as Emma's brow furrowed.
"Course I would, Regina…" Emma confirmed confusedly. Now Regina could see it, reflecting in Emma eyes; the love the other woman felt for her and their son. Regina felt foolish to have ever believed Emma's words of dismissal. She had let her own issues of self-esteem falsely cloud the ready formed image of her lover, just as Emma had done.
"Then shut up for once, and just accept that I'm right" the brunette cut across her again, making it clear there was no room for argument.
Regina felt her heart jump at Emma's slight nodded of agreement. Emma was agreeing with her. "For once" the other woman added with slight hint humour. Regina didn't even fight the eye roll she did and saw Emma return a ghost of a smirk.
"You could have told me" Regina repeated softly, and saw a sad smile appear upon her partner's lips.
"You never told Henry when you were trying to deactivate the failsafe" Emma offered hoarsely.
"That's different I was protecting him" Regina explained softly, knowing exactly what Emma was trying to suggest. For someone who claimed to have an ability to tell when people were lying Emma didn't hide things all that well. Actually Regina supposed that assumption was wrong, when Emma tried hard enough she could hide things very well.
Emma gave her the look. The knowing, "I am right" look. Emma had said she was trying to protect them. But this was different. Regina had been trying to save their lives, not their feelings. She had been giving them a future, not ripping away what little future they had left together. Sure Henry would have grieved, and now she knew Emma would have too, but they would have survived. They would have been alive because she had saved them.
"No. No Emma that is not the same" Regina said firmly with a shake of her head. "I had to save you and Henry...and everyone" she continued hearing her own determined tone weakening under Emma's watchful gaze, but the sentiment was still there. She had been ready to give up her life for them, it wasn't the same. She knew had she told Henry, the young boy would never have left her. She supposed that was where the similarity started, and she was loathed to admit it. Emma had lied. Told Regina she did not love her so she would not follow, so she would let her go.
"I was trying to protect you" Emma's voice rose in a pleading fashion, wanting Regina to understand. While the former Queen understood she did not agree with it. She would not agree with it. She wasn't being stubborn or unreasonable. She was being honest and logical. She understood Emma did not want to put them through it. She understood it because she wouldn't want to put her family through it either. Who would! But she would not have stolen that chance away. She wouldn't have made such a huge decision without them.
"I was already hurting Emma" Regina stated with an equally pleading whine. She too was trying to make her lover understand.
"I know" the younger woman whispered and Regina could see and feel the guilt rolling off the woman holding her. That wasn't what she wanted Emma to feel. Not now. She could also see the tired eyes straining to stay present. Regina knew soon she would have to put her foot down and demand Emma went to sleep, and ready herself for the possibility Emma would resist. Except part of her didn't want them to go to bed, despite it already being morning it felt like they'd have one less day together. One more day they would have wasted by being apart. A foolish notion flickered in Regina mind, maybe she just wouldn't sleep again until that avoidable day, soaking in every moment she could. But that would be stupid, damaging to her own health and would rob her of the moments of falling asleep and waking beside her partner.
"You were meant to be here, with us. And you walked away. I know why... I understand. I do, but you're wrong" Regina spoke softly. Despite the fact she was being critical of the other woman and her actions she felt Emma pull her bodily towards her. The older woman could feel Emma's heels curl themselves around her calves, effectively making it impossible for the brunette to move. "It would have torn me apart, it would have" Regina admitted quietly. She didn't want Emma to feel worse than she already did, but she was not going to lie. They shouldn't be lying to each other. They never should but certainly not now.
"It is...but at least I'd be with you" Regina continued hearing her own voice tremor somewhat. She wasn't lying; it would have been heart-breaking. If what Emma had told her was true and she knew from the expression on Emma's face it all had been so, it would have broken her heart to see her love in the state she had been in. "We could have been doing this... together and you wouldn't have had to do it all alone" the former Mayor finished knowing there was no point in covering the trepidation she felt at the idea. They could have helped the blonde, not just in the practical stuff but with memory and the physical symptoms. They could have been the distraction Emma needed.
"I was always alone Regina" Emma breathed, causing a slight urge of annoyance within the brunette. Regina allowed herself a slight scoff. She was alone because she chose to be alone. She had not always been alone, Regina had been there, and tried to offer any assistance she could and Emma had fled from her. She had done what she could with the information she had. She had tried, Emma on the other hand hadn't. Regina felt Emma's hand move. It made the bottom of Regina's top rise, and revealed a small patch of flesh. The blonde's fingers soothed the soft skin, as the reddened eyes never left hers.
"You could have held my hand, and moped up my puke but at the end of the day I had to fight this. Not you. Not Henry. Me, and it was so lonely" Emma explained sadly with a small shake of her head. Regina felt her heart clench at the sound of it. Emma wasn't wrong. That hadn't been what she had meant, and the fact Regina couldn't fight this battle for Emma, or even lighten the burden hurt most of all. All she could do and would have done is help with food, memory challenges, be company when it was needed and hold Emma when she felt herself weakening. It was Emma's fight. The cancer that she had to fight herself wasn't a battle she had to do on her own.
"I wish I hadn't left. I wish I'd told you. And I feel so selfish for it. I love you so much..." Emma continued her voice broke so strongly it almost tapered away to silence.
"Emma…" Regina whispered carefully as her stomach lurched at the strong tone of guilt and shame in Emma's speech. She wasn't even sure what words would have followed but Emma carried on as if she hadn't interrupted.
"The thing that hurts the most, second to hearing you're going to die is knowing" Emma continued thickly. Regina was almost certain the other woman didn't know she had started crying again. She allowed her hands to rise from Emma's thighs but instead taking hold of her slim waist. Almost mirroring Emma's hold upon her.
"Knowing you have to tell the people that you love" Emma said, and Regina watched as the blonde's bottom lip quivered. Once again the urge to seize it and make it stop, and stop Emma from hurting rushed through Regina's veins because she knew what Emma was saying was true. It was how she felt about telling Henry about Emma. It was exactly how she felt.
"Knowing that one day you'll have to leave them behind" Emma finished and Regina had to swallow a whimper at the confession. The blonde's eyes lowered, which was quite a feat because she was no longer looking at Regina despite there being nowhere else she was able to look. They were too close to see anything else. Regina didn't know what to say to that. She didn't even know if she could speak even if she had the most perfect reply. Her mouth and throat felt dry, and eyes felt moist.
"I tried so hard. It couldn't be happening" Emma explained to what seemed to be Regina's pyjama top pocket. The shake of the blonde's head and slightly opened mouth made Regina feel the disbelief Emma must have felt. The denial. The loneliness. "I was numb for a few days. Cried for days. Whale was wrong. He was misreading the tests...he was a freaking fairy tale doctor. What did he know?" Emma continued her voice heightening in volume and becoming more breathless as she went on. Regina heard for the first time since Emma had told her about the tumour, the anger. The anger Emma had felt and was probably still feeling over the whole thing. The anger she hadn't been able to express to anyone. This is what Regina could have been to her, an outlet for anger, frustration and pain.
"Sorry" Emma exhaled sheepishly, and took Regina a moment to realise why she was apologizing. She hadn't even registered the fairy tale quip.
"It's alright dear" Regina supplied just as breathlessly as she watched the unshed tears resurface again. They would both wake in a few hours' time with raging headaches caused by tiredness and tears.
It took a few moments for Emma to speak again, though when she did her speech had not lost its breathlessness but instead of anger there was sadness. "I spent hours out on that damn patrol route trying to figure out the answers. How the hell I was going to tell you and Henry? Tell my parents?" Emma spoke despairingly. Emma still wasn't looking her in the eye though seemed to be trying to burn a hole in her top pocket. Regina would never forget those night Emma spent out on patrol. The several arguments they had had over it. How Emma could just ask Ruby but never did. Regina had lain away worrying about Emma pulling away from her. Then she worried that in her angered state she might do something stupid like chase down a suspect alone and get hurt. She had cried herself to sleep those nights.
But she remembered the last night she did patrol. Emma had come home earlier than she had expected and wrapped Regina in tight to her. They had fallen asleep in each other's arms and at least for that night things were normal again. It meant so much more now she knew the blonde's inner struggle. Despite running and burying herself in patrol and then in Boston, that night had gone home and found her peace in Regina's arms. Just as she was doing now.
"So you spend weeks temporising and it got worse" Regina confirmed sadly, cupping the side of Emma's face in one of her hands. She could feel the dried trails of tears beneath her finger tips and basked in the warm of the skin she touched. She felt Emma's slight nod, though Regina's hold made it difficult. The blonde still wouldn't look at her.
"I couldn't make sense of it" Emma whispered, the words hurt Regina's heart while the breath tickled her palm. "Then Whale confirmed it and then I was angry and lost. And yeah I ran" the younger woman finished sounded rather deflated.
Emma licked the lip she's been worrying, clearly not sure of what to say next, and Regina was honest, she was speechless too. There were beats of their hearts and a nearby clock's ticks before Emma's eyes rose again to hers. The defeated look in the green eyes was almost enough to break Regina. No matter what Emma had or hadn't done, she could see the damage it had had upon her partner. Both physically and emotionally, Emma was broken; and the damage was irreversible.
"Some of the people I was with…some never made it off the table" Emma confessed softly. The simple confession made her feel nauseous because it could have been Emma. It would have been the woman in arms who never woke up again. She would never have seen them again. They would never have had a chance to talk, for Regina to understand or to say goodbye. It could have been over in an instant and Regina wouldn't have even known about it until she'd gotten a phone call from a stranger in Boston. The older woman tried to swallow the bitterness that rose in her throat, adamant she would not break Emma's train of thought or interrupt the story it looked as if she was adamant and determined tell.
"Some were fine and I never saw them again. Others I met around the store and they didn't recognise me" Emma explained sadly. Regina nodded in all the right places; nonetheless couldn't help but share in the feeling, because these patients were all Emma had had in hospital. Sharing something as horrible as this with other people and then realising they didn't remember who you were…it must have been awful. "But then maybe I'd seen them the day before and it had been me that had forgotten them" Emma continued with a shrug of her shoulders as if it didn't matter, but Regina could see in her eyes that it did. It mattered.
Regina had once read that every person was made up of every encounter they ever had, and to lose that…even one may change everything about you. She supposed maybe that was why Emma had had mood swings. She didn't know enough about the brain to make such a bold assumption but the idea of it made sense. But to lose those memories even the unimportant ones, even for a short period of time must have been terrifying. The thought that you could lose your memories; part of what made you who you are, was terrifying.
"Some days I'd ring mom and she'd tell me about Henry and what he'd been up to or I'd hear him in the background…" the blonde whispered almost deathly quiet, before a single sob rang out. The noise startled the former Mayor, but she easily caught the woman who fell into her frame. The legs and heels that were holding her in place tightened, almost painfully so, though Regina realised despite the loud cry, Emma was not shredding tears. She could hear and feel Emma's laboured breath against her cheek, and it was upsetting and made her feel uneasy. Something about Henry or Henry and Snow was upsetting Emma so much, it hurt Regina to hear and feel Emma's reaction to it.
"I knew from the way she talked about him…the things she said that I knew him. That I should remember him…" the blonde whimpered into the base of Regina's neck after a few seconds. Brunette felt the slight tickle of the breathe teasing her skin and forced back a shiver.
"You forgot Henry" Regina queried, though felt her stomach churn at the realisation. Emma not wanting Henry to know finally made sense. Regina hadn't even considered what Emma's lapse in memory could have meant. That she could and probably had at times forgotten them. The fight with the cancer and seeing Emma in pain would have been so difficult but the notion that the other woman might not even know who they were… It wasn't Emma's fault she knew that but in her pleas to make Emma understand that her family should have been with her, she thought Emma would at least know who her family were. Regina felt the blood rush to her head and fought the urge to faint or simply throw up.
"Not all the time! I didn't mean to. I didn't want to" Emma said franticly lifting her head from Regina shoulder. The former Mayor could see the look of terror in Emma's eyes that the simply question had brought out of her. It knocked her off kilter, the thought of Emma forgetting them. Forgetting everything they had done and been through together, and if she was honest with herself the fact that she was sitting in their kitchen amazed her all the more. The blonde's eyes were wide and the younger woman looked petrified of what Regina was going to say or what she was thinking. She wished there was something she could say, but what could she say?
"Emma…" Regina reassured softly.
"I always knew I'd be a shit mother … who forgets their own kid?" Emma spat self-loathingly. Emma pushed feebly at her, it was barely a push and Regina just held on a little tighter. She couldn't swallow the knot in her throat because the other woman really believed she wasn't a good mother, and her illness was just confirmation. She didn't see what Regina saw. She didn't see the way Henry lit up around his birthmother or mere mention of her name. She didn't know what life had been like without Emma in it, both before her time in Storybrooke and her time in Boston. Emma truly believed she was an unfit mother and it was agony that she couldn't see how wrong she was.
"You're sick. It's not your fault" Regina tried to reason softly while forcing conviction into her tone. It was hard and heart breaking that Emma had forgotten Henry. If they had been with her it would have been difficult to experience and witness, but Henry was a teenager now, he would have understood it was Emma's illness causing her to forget. It wasn't her fault. Emma's response however was sob that sounded like a wounded animal and all Regina could do was a spluttered cry in reply.
"It's not your fault" Regina repeated softly trying to keep the croak from her voice. She could see Emma's own belief in her statement painted upon her tear streaked face, as her body convulsed with suppressed sobs. All Regina could do was shake her head in defiance of the idea. Emma was wrong.
"I couldn't put him through that. I'd already…I couldn't" the blonde tried to explain only finishing with a small squeak. Regina couldn't speak; she didn't know what to say to make Emma believe her. Make her see she wasn't right so she just clung to the woman and felt the younger woman's fingers digging into her flesh. She used the sensation as an anchor in the here and now. To stay present with the woman clinging to her. It was not Emma's fault.
"It's all my fault" Emma repeated once more, only this time it was muffled by Regina herself as the blonde seemed to bury her face into her shoulder. The former Queen allowed Emma a few moment of comfort in her embrace before pulling her away from her own frame, so they were now face to face once more. Regina took several deep though shaken breathes before she spoke again.
"Emma, it is not your fault" the brunette repeated for the third time, and only then did she feel the woman in arms relax at all.
"It has to be" Emma whispered, and Regina could hear that Emma was being crushed by what sounded like the weight of the world pressing down on her shoulders. How long had Emma believed all this was her fault? How long had she blamed herself for it? There was something in Emma's tone that suggested the other woman was no longer talking just about Henry.
"No, it's not" Regina reassured her carefully and saw Emma's bottom lip quiver faintly though no more sobs or cries rang out. Somewhere in their moments Emma's hands had moved to Regina's forearms, almost as if her lover was trying to steady herself. She watched as Emma's tongue darted out across her lips, and saw Emma's shuddering attempts at deep breathing before Emma spoke again.
"They don't know what's caused it. It could have been one of a million choices I've made in my life. I've never had a good diet, I smoked for a while after I got out of prison" Emma sited off, though her voice still carried the crack of her emotions just beneath the surface. While it wasn't something Regina was going to chastise right now, she hadn't known Emma had ever smoked. Even she knew the damage those things caused, Emma surely knew the possibilities and risks of smoking them.
"God I used to work in bars where people took drugs and smoked and probably spiked my drinks on more than one occasion. Being a Bail Bonds Person wasn't exactly the safest of jobs. I drank god knows how much caffeine" Emma spat desperately as if listing these things were going to make Regina see how it was her, Emma who had caused the cancer. As if was going to make her blame the woman in her arms. It took Regina a moment to remember and then realise that it was possibly this belief that caused Emma to not have coffee the morning the left, not that she'd simply forgotten.
"Until Storybrooke I always lived in cities, I mean god only knows what the pollution was doing" Emma said slightly more quietly now. Regina couldn't fight the feeling of guilt because maybe, just maybe Emma was right. Any of these things could have caused her to become ill, but the fact that Emma had the opportunity to do any of these things was on Regina. It had been Regina who cast the curse, and her parents who sent her to this world in a wardrobe. Had it not been for them, Emma would have grown up in The Enchanted Forest. She might have been healthy.
"Stop it" Emma's broken whisper penetrated her thoughts, and looking up Regina saw tears were once again in her lover's eyes. Regina opened her mouth to say something, defend what she knew Emma had seen upon her face only no words would come. "It's not your fault" Emma said repeating her own words back at her. The former Mayor took a deep but shuddering breath at the sound of it, because Emma truly didn't think she was responsible. She did not blame her for her illness or her part in Emma developing it.
"I know I have given you little reason at times to believe me, but you have to stop thinking of yourself as just The Evil Queen. I don't see her, not ever" Emma confessed and hearing it made her head buzz and heart skip. It wasn't even the words that made her believe her, or the tone in which they were said; but the look in Emma's eyes. Her eyes told her Emma believed exactly what she was saying and meant them with every fibre of her being. "I see the woman I love and the mother to my son who is amazing" Emma breathed and Regina felt the tears once again form in her eyes.
"You have to stop blaming yourself because I don't blame you. Not once, not even for a second" Emma continued and gave her one of the most beautiful smiles she'd ever seen. She believed her. "Okay?" Emma asked sternly, and all Regina could do is nod. Emma's smile tightened.
"All this is scary. Terrifying actually. Knowing you're going crazy is worse than not having a clue. At least if you don't know, you don't have lucid periods you don't know any different" Emma explained softly and much to Regina's confusion at the drastic change in topic of conversation she found herself nodding slightly.
"You can see it in people eyes that you've said something that's offensive or that you should know them…" Emma continued though her tone did falter marginally and Regina knew she still felt guilt over Henry and she supposed it was something she could never relieve for the other woman. "I never forgot you" Emma admitted with a slight almost nervous smile and the confession made Regina's stomach fill with butterflies. Simultaneously however she felt guilty at thought that maybe Emma had simply forgotten her lapse in memory.
"There were times that I felt like screaming because there was nothing I could do" Emma exclaimed despairingly, and Regina felt the butterflies disperse instantly. Emma however did not falter in tone or expression as she continued. "There were times that if it weren't for you, even the possibility of you I wouldn't have kept going" the blonde admitted honestly and Regina felt the previous rush of dread at the idea of what the confession met. The meaning however Emma would not confirm or deny it seemed. "You weren't there and that's my fault I know. But you were with me. Every day" Emma finished and Regina felt her own tear fall in slow motion down one cheek.
"It was hard. I was an orphan again. It's not like I could tell them I was the saviour and my mother was Snow White...they would have thought they'd screwed up and locked me in a padded cell" the other woman spoke with a hint of humour but all traces of that beautiful smile were gone. Her eyes held a darkness within them that made a shiver run the entire length of Regina's spine. She hadn't even thought about the implications of their life in Storybrooke. It was like a stab to the heart. Of course Emma couldn't tell her doctors the truth.
"I had to lie...what's worse" Emma continued, it was only then did she hesitate. Regina watched as Emma's eyes rolled upwards, and teeth worried her lip. She watched as Emma's eyes filled with tears again and without knowing what was coming next she felt her own emotions easily rise to the surface once more. She didn't know what they were going to be like with Henry tomorrow if they were as emotionally fragile as this. All it took was Emma's eyes to fill to make Regina cry. She was exhausted and wanted so badly to curl into her lover's embrace and let the world disappear.
"S-sometimes I'd forget it was a lie" Emma choked and Regina felt her own face crumble at the confession. Her feeling of dread did not wane when Emma returned eye contact. She saw the despair and loneliness flickering in Emma's eyes as she whimpered "And I was that fucked up kid that spent her life with no one wanting her".
Regina didn't consider her answer; it was one she could give without thought. She simply stated loudly enough to be heard over Emma's weakened cries, "I want you….I will always want you". She saw a glimmer of happiness wash over the younger woman's face, which slightly lifted her own feeling of sadness. How Emma had survived the last few months she didn't know. It warmed her heart that despite believing that Regina no longer cared for her, she fought the chance to make that change. She's been alone, and for the first time since Emma had said those fatal words, Regina didn't blame Emma. She understood the decision Emma made. It wasn't the one she would have made, but it made sense in Emma's mind and there was nothing either of them could do to change it now.
"I'm thirty Regina I shouldn't...It's not fair" Emma stated strongly, her voice only breaking into a whimper at the end. Regina could only watch as saw Emma's lip quivered dangerously. Regina felt her own copying the gesture of its own accord.
"No it's not" Regina agreed softly feeling her heart tighten at the sound.
"It's not fair!" the blonde repeated louder almost shouting as her face crumpled in agony.
"I know honey..." Regina gulped softly. She was now crying, but even her own weeping wasn't able to mask her lover's sobs. Regina seized the blonde's head tightly, cradling it to her shoulder once more and felt Emma's arms engulf her entirely, all be it rather awkwardly. Neither cared.
Much to her surprise it only took a few moments for both women's tears to stop falling, though it took a few more for their laboured breathing to level out. It seemed both of them had no more tears to fall as they clung to their love, taking comfort in her warm touch. They'd covered so much in the hours since Emma had graced her front step and she hoped more than anything there was nothing else. They had to tell Henry tomorrow night, they had agreed on that. They would do it together, a united front and each other's support. After that the three of them could enjoy their time left and live it to the fullest. They would do that, there was no way Regina was going to waste another minute.
In the silence Regina felt Emma sag heavily against her and chancing a look at the clock on the oven she was shocked to see it was just before six. Of course Emma was tired. She was amazed the young woman was even still awake, never mind functioning. "Come to bed. We'll try and get some sleep before we see Henry in a few hours" Regina whispered into the mess of now dried hair and felt Emma nod as she lifted her head from its haven.
She was greeted by a ghost of a smile at mention Henry's name, and gave it back easily. Regina was determined to enjoy the day. Every minute and second. She was going to enjoy it, even if she had to spend it with Snow and Charming. She would enjoy every moment of her family's day together and watching their son laugh and enjoy himself. Nothing was going to take that away from her.
She felt Emma's legs release her calves and felt the loss of the contact momentarily as Emma lid down from her perch. Neither woman spoke as Regina led Emma up to bed once again though this time Emma dragged a little with fatigue. Upon entering their room again, Emma did not even attempt the walk around to her side of the bed but instead crawled the distance and was under the covers before Regina had even made it to the head of the bed. She allowed the smirk at the move and the small mess of hair that poked out at the top of the cover as she too climbed into the unmade bed. She gently placed a kiss upon Emma's lips before snuggling down next to her, and felt the blonde's hand take her own as she closed her eyes.
There was a few minutes silence in which Regina willed herself to stop fighting the tiredness that had seeped into every muscle. She could hear her lover's breathing inches from her ear and there was a slight drop coming from the bathroom tap which Emma hadn't tightened enough. Apart from that there was silence. A silence she could almost revel in, if it weren't for the buzzing of all the information she'd learnt this evening.
"You're my happy ending. But I'm not yours" she heard her lover say causing all the buzzing to stop instantaneously. She eyes shot open only to be face to face with her bedfellow.
"How can you say that?" Regina exclaimed lifting her head away from the inviting gaze of the other woman. The morning light was still not strong enough to fully permeate their curtains but there still no need for additional light; she could still see the calm look upon Emma's face. Too calm for a person to have just uttered such a statement.
Emma took a breath before rolling onto her back; her gaze however did not leave Regina's. It was steady and composed. It made Regina's heart beat at a gallop, and her head swim. Emma was too calm. "This is it for me. This is my ending. It's not yours. You and Henry will go on" Emma explained clearly as if it was the easiest thing to understand. Though her voice did not hold a tone of giving up, Regina could not help but feel it all the same
"You aren't dead yet!" she blurted, and saw Emma's nod of agreement. The look on the blonde's face suggested that wasn't what this was. She wasn't giving up…then why did it sound so much like she was?
"No but I need to know you'll both be happy…and will move on" Emma supplied and Regina felt her heart clench at the suggestion. She didn't want to move on. She didn't want to have to move on. She didn't want to learn how to live again without the woman in front of her. They had plans and dreams, and she didn't want to fulfil them without her. Before she had chance to voice these thoughts however Emma continued. "And I swear I will come back and haunt you both if you aren't happy" she said a slight attempt of humour lingered in her voice.
"Don't tell Henry that he might just be miserable to see you…" Regina replied trying just as hard as Emma to make it light, only it wasn't. It hurt. It felt like agony, and she felt the pain so deep down inside of her it hurt to breathe. "I don't want to be happy without you" she begged as if Emma finally held the ability to fix it, and stop her from leaving. Neither of them had control. They had never had control it seemed.
"You have to. Not right away, but one day…you'll be happy again" Emma breathed and she could see in the Saviour face she meant what she was saying. She wasn't being self-sacrificing, she was being honest; and it made it hurt all the more.
"I don't think I can" Regina admitted tearfully. No she knew she couldn't. She knew what it was like to hear the blonde's laugh, and wake next to her every morning. She knew the taste of her morning minty kisses and the saltiness of her skin. No one else knew the walls Regina put up when she was angry or scared. No one else knew how to take them down with a simple smile. How could she be happy knowing she'd have to watch Henry grow up, alone; or knowing the life they could have lead? How could she be happy living the life parents' dream about and dread when their little babies grow up and leave home? How could she be happy knowing she'd have to face it alone, with the ghost of her memories, when she shouldn't have to? How could she be happy knowing she had lost what could have been but instead of living what was to come? No she wouldn't move on and could not be happy without Emma at her side.
"I'll see what I can do from the other side" Emma supplied only this time her tone lacked the attempt of humour. Despite the look of conviction on Emma's face, Regina could see the pain lingering too.
"Stop it, it's not funny" Regina muttered and saw the look of sadness deepen on Emma's face. Emma didn't respond however, she instead tugged slightly upon the forearm Regina was leaning on. It caused the former Queen to fall forward slightly, directly towards Emma. The blonde then pulled her the rest of the way, pressing a kiss into her lips before breathing upon them "I know, sorry".
She had nothing to be sorry for. Not really. Once again Regina was faced with the thought that if their roles were reversed she'd want Emma and their son to be happy. She wouldn't like the idea of someone else holding her lover but if it made Emma happy then it was okay. It wasn't Emma's fault that she wanted her to be happy. Regina let her lips brush Emma's gently before laying her head on her chest. She gave a lazy smile into the silence as she felt the stead heartbeat, beating against her ear.
Emma wanted her to be happy and she couldn't help but think of Daniel. He'd wanted the same thing for her. It had seemed impossible back then to even consider loving another. The pain of losing him had been too great, why would she want the possibility of having to live through that again. But if she was honest with herself, even knowing what was to come she would have still done this. The pain she knew she was going to face in the not so distance future was worth it when she considered every second she had gained with the woman beside her. If she hadn't risked her heart again she wouldn't have known what it was like to be truly happy again. She did not think she would be happy, not really once Emma left; but she knew for her, she would try.
"I know you have to fight this. But we're here too. We can fight it together. You aren't alone anymore" Regina whispered into the chest bone she was using as a pillow, and felt rise a little higher than it had been previously.
Emma pulled her in tighter. She felt peace in the warmth of their bodies and synchronised heartbeats. At the breathing through her hair that sent a chill down her spine. At the breathed response that sounded much like "Together".