Eridan(diamonds)Feferi: Toska, Russian: Acording to Vladmir Nabokoov, "No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular cases it may be the desire for somebody or something specific, nostalgia, love-sickness. At the lowest level it grades into ennui, boredom."
They jam less and less these days. He offers, and she gives some excuse. She offers, and he refuses based on something or other. They've been trapped in this dance for two sweeps now, the frequency of cancelled feelings jams increasing the way that water being sucked into a whirlpool becomes faster and faster. She's tired, he's unhappy…neither wants this.
Eridan sometimes spends his nights watching the waves from the port bow of his ship, wondering how Feferi is doing down in her castle. It's different than when he's with her, but not in a tangible way. Like…somehow he's free, when he isn't down under the waves with her. The way the water presses on him when they jam, the stifling way she wants him to sit with his back touching hers, the way it kills him inside when she moves to caress his cheek in pale affection…but here with the moons glowing above him, alone, he can smile again.
Feferi revels in her nights alone, repairs her torn nerves in the silences unburdened by unspoken words. There's guilt too, but it's a passing thought in comparison to the joy of her burden being lifted from her shoulders. She wonders sometimes how she could ever dare to go back to him, because when he's gone she can finally unwind herself. With a moirail like Eridan, there's never any room for her. When is it going to be about her? She wants so much for them to be perfect together, and in a perfect moirailship there's give and take. All he does is take!
Why can't he be what she needs?
Why can't she feel what he feels?
"Fef," Eridan says the day of their last jam, though they don't realize it, "Fef, I don't want to be pale anymore." He flushes violet, and his heart races in anticipation. She's been unhappy with the arrangement too, she must want this as much as he does. She has to.
And Feferi cries, because she didn't want to end it. She wanted so many things from Eridan, but this breakup wasn't it. How could he, how could he! He has been, exclusively, the needy one in their relationship these past few sweeps, how can he not tell she needs him too? Doesn't his need call to her need? Has she not been the best moirail she could be? Does she not deserve his reciprocation?
She gouges his face with her claws before jumping from his ship into the surf with a soul-shattering snarl. Left with a dripping cheek and flushed feelings shattered, Eridan allows himself to howl up into the night sky.