Title: Last Thing You'll Do
Author: Calliope-plantain
Rating: M
Pairing:Regina/Emma
Disclaimer: I do not own Once. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.
Storyline: Regina could say her life was perfect… and then it got turned upside down.
Author's Note:Trigger warning – discussion of abuse and rape.
Beta: Scarlet-Marauder awesomely encouraged me to write this, and then was my beta. So any mistakes she's missed and any feelings of distress are her fault ;)
"What?" Regina breathed as the butterflies fluttered on, only to increase when she saw her lover's grin.
"Nothing…just wondering what you've done to Regina Mills" Emma replied with her normal air of boldness which Regina hadn't realised she'd been missing. Come to think of it, it had been absent from Emma's demeanour and attitude long before the woman had left for Boston. The brunette couldn't help but wonder when the cancer had started its attack on Emma's life. If what Emma had said the previous evening was true then the disease had done so much damage before they'd even noticed the symptoms. Emma really hadn't stood a chance. She wished more than anything that the smile playing Emma's lips was enough to make her feel untouchable, just as it always had. Except either of them were. She'd bask in her love's happiness though and whatever was producing that beautiful smile.
"Excuse me?" Regina quipped with a long drawl, rather impressed at how easy it was to fall back into their old roles. She saw the slight shake of Emma's mop of golden hair before she stepped forward into the room.
"First dinner in bed and now you're letting Henry sleep in his clothes and without taking off his shoes…" Emma continued with the same expression of confidence her words had previously carried and yet Regina felt the fluttering in the pit of her stomach die away instantly. The sparkle in Emma's eye which allowed the former Queen know the other woman was only joking did nothing to sooth the bitter taste in her mouth. Clearly unaware of Regina's internal reaction Emma simple chuckled to herself as she walked to the foot of the bed.
"I wasn't aware helping your child to be disciplined was a bad thing…I'll keep that in mind however" Regina bite back and she saw Emma's eyes widen in shock. It was a painful reminder that once again it was up to her and her alone to raise their son. Emma had said Regina would treat her differently once she knew of her aliment and now it seemed she was being scolded for treating Henry different too. She had simply thought a meal in the large bed would have been nice…another family memory for her and Henry to cherish once Emma was gone. It had enabled Henry to ask questions he might not had felt able had they moved their sensitive conversation elsewhere. Did it really make her a bad mother for not wanting to wake her son by insisting he remove his shoes and clothing in favour for his evening wear? She certainly hadn't thought so.
"Regina I didn't mean it like that. I was joking" Emma pleaded and it instantly reminded Regina of the arguments they had had in the month leading to Emma's departure. Emma would say or do something to upset her, and Regina would react only for Emma to turn into an apologetic mess. She didn't want to fight with Emma, she really didn't. So why was it so easy to do so? Why was it so easy for Emma to provoke a reaction and why was it so easy for Regina to provide one?
"Hilarious…" Regina replied with what she knew was her most deadpan tone though it still carried enough sharpness that she knew Emma would feel it. She knew it would annoyed Emma but at least they weren't shouting at one another. It wouldn't do well to wake their son by having an argument about not wanting to wake him.
"Regina…" Emma pleaded again. Regina really was going to be alone again. Parents no matter their child's age worry about their disciple. Are they being too strict or too lenient? Should their punishment be more severe or are you expecting too much from them? It was something Regina had had to worry about less for the last two years. The two women had been a united front and had discussed the fairest punishments for their son's rule breaking behaviours.
She had had someone to support her and now…Emma was leaving her again. It did not matter whether the former sheriff wanted to or even had any control over it happening. Regina felt angry at Emma. Anger she knew was misplaced and irrational because she knew the other woman did not want to leave them. Emma did not want to leave Regina alone to raise their son and yet she was doing just that.
Regina moved to sit upon the bed. Apparently they were just going to go to sleep, because she couldn't do this right now. She couldn't have yet another argument. She was too emotionally exhausted to fight with Emma. Just too damn tired. She just wanted to lie with her love and feel her beside her. Feel her heartbeat and feel her breath against her skin, but instead she saw Emma's frightened eyes looking directly at her which she desperately tried to avoid. How can you tell someone you're angry at them for stealing away your future when they have just as little control over it as you do?
"I never said it was a bad thing. There's grounding your kid for not doing homework and then there's like… forcing their head under water when they…" Emma said her tone almost imploring Regina to understand her ill worded and timed joke. It took a moment to register what the other woman was saying, but when it did Regina felt her heart plummet to the pit of her stomach.
"What?" Regina asked, her head shooting up effectively cutting Emma's desperate explanation off instantly. All anger dissipated as she saw the moment the blonde realised her slip as the jarred eyes widened however her lips did not offer a further clarification. If anything Emma's shocked expression seemed to only deepen and Regina felt the fluttering feeling return to her gut, only this time it felt as if bats had taken up resident in the butterflies' stead.
"Emma?" the former Mayor breathed wanting some sort of comfort for Emma's words; only the other woman's shrug did not offer any.
"I heard it happens to some kids in the system" Emma explained a little too coolly. Clearly sensing Regina did not believe her obvious and over the top dismissal Emma turned and walked into the bathroom without looking back. Regina could only sit opened mouthed at what she could only assume was Emma's confession. A foster parent had held Emma's head under water as a form of punishment. Water Regina now heard running from the room Emma hadn't closed the door to.
Regina followed the other woman without thought, without a plan of how she was going to handle this. Why had Emma never told her this before? She knew some of Emma's foster parents had been less than decent. Emma had confided in her as much, but she had never said anything about physical abuse. How could someone do that to a defenceless child they were put in charge of?
Clearing the threshold she was greeted by the sight of Emma brushing her teeth and looking rather pissed off. It took a moment for Emma to notice Regina in the reflection of the glass in front of her. The look of anger did not lessen, though the clear look of vulnerability she'd seen in Emma's eyes only moments ago seemed to intensify and it was aimed just at her.
"What?" Emma said powerfully around a mouth full of toothbrush and toothpaste foam. She wasn't going to back down. Maybe she should, she didn't know; but she wasn't going to let the other woman put her walls back up. She wanted an explanation. She wanted Emma to deny her suspicions. She wanted her to sooth the fast rising guilt she felt at yet another thing she had made Emma endure when she had cast the curse.
"Please don't lie to me. What did you mean?" Regina pleaded the woman's reflection but instead of answers all she received was an image of Emma spitting out toothpaste. The green eyes did not even rise to meet her own. It was answer enough, and sickened her to her stomach at the thought of Emma going through anything like she'd described. Cora had controlled Regina with magic, but it was still abuse. She had been heartless, what was these foster parents' excuse?
"You didn't hear about it did you?" Regina asked softly despite knowing the answer. She watched as Emma clutched the basin in front of her and wanted so badly to spin the blonde around so she could hold her tightly. So tightly nothing else could hurt the woman she loved. She wished she could so damn hard it hurt.
"The last foster family I was with was…super religious. The Mom thought she could "cleanse" the kids of their sins by holding them under the water" Emma explained her voice so quiet and yet in the emptiness of the bathroom is seemed to echo deafeningly.
"Did she do it to you?" Regina asked gently, hoping that just maybe Emma hadn't had to go through such a horrific ordeal. The foster mother could have drowned them with her barbaric method.
"What does it matter?" Emma spat, pushing her palms down so vehemently Regina heard the sink groan against the force of it. "It was almost fourteen years ago" Emma continued before throwing the toothbrush she'd been holding tightly in her hand into the basin. The small brush only clattered loudly before bouncing out of the sink and falling to the ground; only Emma didn't see as she stormed passed the stunned brunette. Regina supposed Emma's reaction was her unwanted answer. This foster mother had indeed nearly drowned her partner when she was a child. The older woman chanced a look at toilet as she felt the vomit rise in her throat. She would not be sick. This was about Emma; she would not make it about herself.
Once again she followed her fleeing lover only this time Emma was laid upon her own side of the bed. She was laid almost completely flat, only her head and shoulders were slightly elevated by her pillows.
"Emma…" Regina said desperately wanting to offer something, anything that would make what her partner had gone through and was now going through better. Anything to make it better, only to find there was nothing that could be done. The brunette however was surprised to hear the blonde answer her question anyway.
"Once...I came home late. She decided my friends were a bad influence and I...was dirty and it was her duty to help me become clean." The blonde explained quietly, though if Regina hadn't been able to see Emma balling the sheet beneath her with her hands, she might have said telling the ordeal was emotionless. Emma's face showed no emotion what so ever, just the slightly faltering voice and creased bedding showed Regina just how painful it really was.
Regina sat on her side of the bed, beside her lover, wanting so badly to entwine their legs as they often did while in bed together. Emma however did not look at her but instead choose to look up at the bare ceiling just as she and Henry had done. Regina couldn't take her eyes off the blonde as she felt her own heart ache at the other woman's admission. What that woman did…what that woman who had been put in charge of these children's care had done to them was sickening. What Emma had endured at this woman's hand was abhorrent.
"Did you tell anyone?" Regina asked quietly lifting herself so her head and torso were higher than Emma's. She just wanted to see her. Emma still did not look at her though. Regina gripped the hand she felt come to rest in hers however.
"There wasn't anyone to tell, not anyone who'd listen anyway" the other woman explained and Regina saw the slightly lined face of her lover slacken. She watched as the blank eyes seemed to fill with a mix of emotions, and Regina realised maybe this was Emma's story. The story she didn't tell anyone lightly. Regina's had been her relationship with Daniel and the aftermath of his death. She had held it in for decades only to entrust Emma with it, knowing she'd treasure it. Only Emma had known how precious a gift it was and difficult it was she share. Maybe Emma was realising she could share her secrets too.
"Foster kids are more trouble than their worth. You told on your foster parents and you just ended up back in the system. It was easier to get the kids out than to do something about the parents" Emma explained while the hand not trapped in Regina's waved vaguely as such was one of Emma's nervous habits. "There was never much evidence, their words against ours. Who'd believe us?" Emma finished sadly and Regina couldn't help but feel outraged because she knew Emma was right.
"But they shouldn't have been allowed to get away with it" Regina said angrily. For a moment she considering if she was talking loud enough for Henry to hear. She highly doubted it because that boy could sleep through almost anything. She could feel the anger and hatred pulsing through her veins at the injustice foster children like Emma have had to endure. People knew what was happening to these children and did nothing to stop it. They were just as much to blame as the parents because they were the ones that put children in their care despite knowing what they had done in the past. They had made the children feel it was their fault and shipped them off to other family as punishment for telling of their abusive parents. It was cruel.
"One of the kids I was with did report the Andersons. Not because of Mrs Anderson but …her husband" Emma admitted and Regina noticed her volume had lessened once again while her body seemed to go almost rigid beside her. Emma was afraid of her reaction. Emma's fright made Regina terrified.
"Why what did he do?" Regina breathed, wondering if this was a question she wanted to the answer to. She could hear her heartbeat in her ears and feel it in her chest. Both seemed to increase tenfold the longer it took Emma to answer. The blonde was simply lying there with her lips parted slightly, clearly unsure of how to answer Regina's question. The urge to be sick was still ever present.
"He was always a bit of a creep. Looking places he shouldn't, but one night…" Emma explained finally breaking her silence and almost possibly Regina's hand.
"Emma!" Regina exclaimed both at her words and the pain shooting through hand. The grip instantly loosened and Regina had to make a grab for the blonde's retracted hand before Emma pulled it away completely. There was a moment of silence before Emma turned to look at her finally. The brunette couldn't pinpoint the emotion pooling in the dark eyes but she felt her stomach all but drop out of her body at the look. What had that scum done to her love? Why had Emma never told her about this family before? Regina had been honest about her marriage to the King and while Emma did not know nor did she need to know all the details she knew enough. Enough to know what their marriage had been like. Why had Emma not told Regina what this man had done? The former Queen felt her anger and hatred surge from within. The surge to rip this man limb from limb. She wanted to reach out and touch Emma. She wanted more contact than simply holding hands could offer but she guessed the move would only cause the blonde to retreat.
"Just after I turned seventeen I decided to stay out with some friends and Lizzie…the girl I was sharing a room with. She got the worst of the Mrs Anderson's "baptisms" because she always came home late and would hang out with this bunch of guys" Emma explained, her brow furrowing more deeply as she continued. "But she decided she'd cover for me. So she got into my bed so if Mrs Anderson came to check on us she'd see her bed was empty" the blonde continued and despite the fact Emma could no longer look her in the eye, Regina felt the other woman's body leaning towards hers.
Emma's tongue darted out to moisten her lips and Regina felt the hand in her own once again tighten its hold, though it was bearably so. The other woman took a moment to recouple her thoughts and decide how to proceed before she carried on. "At the time there was only Lizzie, me, Tim and this kid called Jessica. Me and Tim had been in a few homes together so he was always looking out for me, and then Lizzie and Jess but he was only sixteen" Emma explained her eyes narrowing dramatically and Regina felt her bottom lip quiver ever so slightly. So slightly she wasn't even certain it had definitely happened. But she felt the tug in her chest at Emma's expression. It was the expression of blame. Whatever she was about to say…and Regina had a fair idea of where the story was going, Emma blamed herself. "Mr Anderson came into our room…he was drunk and we'd heard him hitting Mrs Anderson in the past but he'd never come after us" Emma finished and Regina heard the almost defensive tone in Emma's voice, though what she was defending she wasn't sure.
"Did he…was she…" Regina asked trying to say the word that left a bitter taste in her mouth and made her inside churn.
"He raped her" Emma confirmed with a small nod, before letting her eyes travel upwards to meet Regina's. She wished she had something to say. Something which could erase the past but even the magical avenues in time travel hadn't been ventured down before, not by anyone. If she could, she'd stop that sickening scum from ever hurting that girl. She supposed if she had that power maybe they'd have caught Emma's illness in time.
"When I came back I found Lizzie and Jess crying in Tim's room. Jess was about five…six. Both Lizzie and Jess were terrified. I don't think Jess understood what had happened but she was scared" Emma explained and Regina was hit squarely by the sickening thought that maybe that little girl had been in the room when Emma's foster father had done what he did. Her stomach churned and she had to bite her tongue in the hope it would stop her late meal from reappearing. "We all slept in Tim's room that night though I don't think any of us really slept. The Anderson's never came to check on us so we didn't get caught" Emma explained and Regina was surprised to see Emma turn her entire body towards her.
If Emma hadn't been out it might have been her, the foul, disgusting excuse of man might have gone after. She could see that knowing and understanding in Emma's eyes too and knew it was burden the young woman had been carrying for almost a decade and half. If Regina was honest with herself she felt relieved. Relieved her love hadn't had to suffer what that man had done to Lizzie, but also guilt for feeling so relived. That poor girl. She'd been even younger still than Regina had been when she was married off to the king. No one at any age should have to endure that, but being so young…so innocent made it much harder to stomach. She could see a teenage boy who in her mind's eye looked exactly like Henry lying awake watching over his foster sisters as they tried to sleep. This family who was meant to look after these children had all but ruined four children's lives and god only knows how many others before and after.
"The next day when we were at school I was called to the Principal's Office and was told that Tim had reported what happened and had taken Lizzie to the school nurse. We had to give statements to the police and were removed from the house that night. Tim got us out" the other woman explained and Regina heard the awe in which her lover talked about this boy. He had probably saved them all. If that man had thought he'd gotten away with it, god knows what he might have done to the rest of the girls. It was with a sick but deserved satisfaction Regina considered the Andersons' fate. She did not know much about this world but she from what she had learnt no one liked those who hurt children, not even criminals. She couldn't help but wonder what happened to them in jail.
"I ran away the day after. I couldn't go to another home. I had less than a year left in the system before I was aged out anyway. What did a few months matter?" Emma finished and Regina was once again surprised to feel the blonde's torso and legs pressed into her own. The brunette wasted no time in tangling her legs with Emma's and felt the other woman fall forward, into her frame even more.
"I can't even... It wasn't your fault you know" Regina said hoping to reassure the woman she could see was fighting her emotions. Her response was an eye roll, but Regina could see it was meant to stop forming tears from falling. It didn't work.
"As I said it was like fourteen years ago. I never saw Lizzie, Jess or Tim again" Emma explained pulling their hands free of one another Regina was thankful for because despite needing the closeness with her lover she could feel her hand falling sleep from Emma lying on it.
"Did you never look them up?" Regina asked rather surprised that Emma hadn't tried to find out what had happened to her foster siblings that she shared such a horrible experience with. More so since Emma had always claimed one of her talents was finding people.
"I tried for a bit when I got out of jail but…I mean if Lizzie or Jess got married or changed their names for protection I'd never have found them. Just decided maybe it was best to keep it in the past" Emma clarified with a sad smile. She knew Emma had had a hard time in life but this…she never imagined any of this.
"I can't believe someone would do that to a child. When I adopted Henry it was because I wanted to a child, someone to love. I could never…" Regina stammered in disbelief. The thought sickened her. She could never do what either of those parents did to any of their foster children. She was Henry's mother it was her job to protect him. To love him and ensure his safety at all times.
"Not everyone is so lucky to end up with such a great Mom" Emma stated, and the firmness of it amazed her. There was neither over the top declarations nor a big song and dance. Just the simple statement and it threw Regina more than she knew how to handle or express. She had not always done right by their son, but she had already tried and seeing the admiration reflected in Emma's eyes was truly awe inspiring. She did not want to go on raising Henry alone. Not without Emma, not again; but she saw the trust and belief in her, Regina. Emma believed she could do it.
"Most kids in the system are meal tickets. A way of getting some extra cash and as long as they stay out of the way and look presentable when Child Services come to check on them it didn't really matter" Emma recommenced her story; her tone was clearly designed to make Regina understand. The problem being she understood exactly what Emma was saying, she just didn't understand how people who had supposedly devoted their lives to rising parentless children did these types of things to them. She also didn't understand how Emma could be so matter of fact about it. She did however understand, more than she ever had Emma's reactions to her own parents. Emma and Snow's dynamic made so much more sense, and Regina couldn't help but wonder what she could have done to help it instead of feeling glee when Emma would shoot down Snow's attempts at getting close to her daughter.
"How can parents treat their children like that?" Regina asked in disbelief.
"Not all of them did. I mean there were the bad ones like the Andersons" Emma answered though she had not really expecting an answer but was surprised when Emma offered one of sorts. Regina couldn't help wonder what bad things had happened to Emma and other children at the hands of abusive foster families. "And there were the okay ones that didn't really bother. Most of the time we were just happy to get the okay ones. But there were some good ones too" Emma finished with a slight smile and Regina fought the urge to jump when Emma's hand came to rest upon her hip. It wasn't lost on Regina that Emma was instigating the physical contact she'd wanted since she joined her lover to lay on the bed.
"Really?" Regina asked incredulous because she really was starting to doubt such families and homes existed.
"Yeah. I mean the Swans were great, and I did have a few good foster families. Parents who actually wanted to be parents and you know you had family meals together and they helped you with your homework" Emma explained and Regina could see the happiness painted upon her face. Memories, happy ones. The brunette couldn't help but wonder if during Emma's memory black-outs she lost these ones too.
Regina watched however as the younger woman's face dropped, and the ever present lines marred her beautiful appearance once more. The fingertips that had taken residence on Regina's hip sort to smooth out the creases in the silk. A welcome distraction as the silence that followed Emma's last words seemed to engulf them. Almost a full minute passed before Emma spoke again, despite the former Queen's attempt to catch her love's eye and pull her from the memories that had followed her confession. "Those families just got less and less the older you got. People want a baby or child. They don't want a teenager. They want someone they can help grow up they don't want a kid that's already formed and damaged" Emma explained solemnly her voice barely over a whisper.
"Emma that can't be true" Regina responded feebly because the look on Emma's face told her, her fight was pointless. She knew very little about this world while the former sheriff was well versed on the unspoken rules and expectations of this realm despite living in it for three decades.
"You adopted Henry when he was three weeks old" Emma stated matter of factly and the simplistic answer seemed to knock every ounce of oxygen from Regina's lungs. Her brain wouldn't form an answer and her lips simply opened as gasp; because Emma was right. While Regina had sort a child to love and look after, she had wanted a baby. Any child in the long run would have sufficed and she would have loved him or her just as she had Henry, but she had wanted to start from scratch. She had wanted to hold her baby in her arms, heard their first word, teach them to walk, run and sooth all illnesses and disciple all tantrums. She had wanted it all, to be a mother. She had been the very type of mother who would have left Emma in foster system.
Emma turned and shoved the pillows beneath her head slightly so she was still able to see and be seen by the brunette. "It's not a bad thing. Believe me I'm not saying that at all. But it's true it's harder to be fostered never mind adopted the older you get" Emma continued with a saddened smile that did very little to ease the feeling of guilt Regina carried. Silence followed Emma last words as Regina found there were no words she could use to ease the pain of Emma's past. All she could do was simply stare…she couldn't even look the other woman in the eye. Part of Regina wanted to apologise. Apologise to Emma for all the foster parents who'd done just as she had done, but it would make very little difference. Also if she had just adopted any child, she wouldn't have gotten Henry, and she would never apologise for that.
Regina felt Emma move her thumb up to graze her bare flesh, and as she had become accustomed she felt her tension start to dwindle. Emma's blunt fingernails were next applied to her skin as they traced mindless patterns and Regina didn't even try supress the shiver that rain through her body. She allowed the smile to grace her lips at Emma breathed chuckle, and finally her eyes lifted to Emma's face once more. It surprised her to see the look of understanding shining back at her. Emma understood her reaction to hearing foster parents' reasoning behind fostering or even adopting young children. She wished it made it feel better but it didn't.
"Tim and I when we were about nine, ten. Came up with this list of things we were going to have when we finally got adopted" Emma supplied with a smile and Regina found she was happy for a change in topic. There was something about this boy Tim that made Regina feel … warm. Emma hadn't seen or heard from him in over fourteen years and yet she held that young man … well man Regina mentally corrected her, in such high esteem. He sounded special. He sounded just like the kind of man Regina hoped their son would turn out to be. "Top of the list was our own bedroom or at least a bed, and a dog" Emma explained happily and it took Regina a moment to consider that at least until Emma was ten she hadn't had her own bed. She had had to share with fostered siblings. Even Regina had had her own bed. Henry had had his own bed and room since he was old enough not to sleep in her bedroom. The little things people take for granted these two little children had dreamed of.
"A dog?" Regina asked sceptically, ensuring to keep her emotion from her question. She was surprised to see Emma's beaming smile being flashed at her.
"Yeah all the good families we'd lived with had some sort of dog. It didn't need to be a fancy one, just a dog. A mutt would have done us and it would sleep on our beds with us" Emma explained excitedly and Regina could see the little ten year old girl making plans she had believed would change her life. Plans which would have cost so very little to come true.
"Was he your first boyfriend?" Regina asked and couldn't help but grin at Emma's snort of amusement at the notion.
"God no! He was like my little brother…though he did act like my big brother when we got older" Emma exclaimed and the older woman couldn't help but look at her in awe. Emma would have been a fantastic older sister. She had seen what she had been like with Henry when she had first come to Storybrook. She had seriously lacked the parenting skills but she had filled the role of a fun big sister or aunt. Regina hadn't really thought about it before but it was hardly a surprise on either front. Emma had lacked the ability to be a parental role because she had never had a stable one; though her ability to be a fun loving big sister came naturally because she'd had to be one to so many young children.
There was no doubting Emma's role in their son's life now. The dynamic had changed greatly in the almost three years since Emma had crossed their town line, as had everyone under their roof. However it was nice to see that side of their son's relationship with his birthmother. The side which enabled Regina to just sit and watch them shout obscenely loudly at each other as they played games together or had tickle matches as they had done only a few hours ago on the beach. She had missed her lover...her partner but she had missed Henry's mother more.
"I don't think we really thought it through" Emma said breaking Regina's train of thought with smile that spoke volumes. "We were in…three homes, I think it was, together. We just decided if we didn't get adopted we were going to get a house together, and we'd have our own rooms and a dog" Emma continued with a nod of her head that clearly stated her story was fact and nothing was going to stop those two young children from getting their dreams. It amazed the brunette to see the young woman she loved look so animated. So…full of life. It was something as Emma had shared her dire news with her that Regina had thought she'd never get to witness or be a part of again. It, like Emma was beautiful.
"Do you still want a dog?" Regina asked carefully, though by the look on Emma's face and the amount of times she had mentioned this dog, she knew the answer.
Emma looked embarrassed despite her eager reply "I'm not saying we should get one, but it would be awesome".
"They drool and chew things and mess everywhere" Regina stated. It was the very reason Henry's only contact with a dog was Pongo.
"They love you no matter what and he could like sleep on the bottom of the bed" Emma counted with a vague hand gesture to the bottom of the bed.
"Are you saying I'm not good enough?" Regina quipped and was amused to see Emma's look of concern that Regina may actually believe what she'd just said.
"What? No…Just come on! A cute little dog, all fluffy and excited when you come home and curl up with you when you watch television. It would be cute" Emma rambled and Regina couldn't help but think no matter how little and fluffy a canine was it wouldn't be any "cuter" than her partner right now.
"You'd have to clean up its mess" Regina said easily subsuming to Emma's adorable pout.
"It would be totally worth it" Emma sighed with a look of complete contentment which Regina could only chuckle at.
"When I was pregnant with Henry there was a period where I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I mean I felt that for pretty much the whole nine months" Emma explained with a small disbelieving laugh clearly unaware of Regina confusion at the change of subject. "But up until my second scan I had been adamant I was going to give the baby up. Actually until my first scan I was convinced if I didn't think about it, it wasn't happening" the other woman continued and Regina saw Emma's forehead twitch at the memory of carrying their son. Regina could see the young teen that'd made that decision looking back at her.
"But I had this nurse. I don't know if she was on a rotation or if they just got rid of her really quickly, but she took a dislike to me. It was clear she didn't approve of women having babies in jail. I guess she must have seen I was planning to give it up, I don't know but I'd said I didn't want to know the sex and she told me" Emma explained and Regina felt the feeling of dislike and disgust for this unknown woman. That couldn't be right. Why would you do that to a young woman who was trying to do the right thing by her unborn child? Was she trying to make Emma feel guilty? It took Regina a moment to notice Emma's naming of Henry as "it"…that if she was honest with herself was difficult to swallow.
"And then he wasn't just this "thing" I could ignore. He was a real person, and I started to wonder what it would be like" Emma explained and Regina watched as the woman she loved looked momentarily worried. She was afraid of Regina's reaction. Without hesitation Regina snuggled into the younger woman's side.
"Yeah?" Regina prompted and was glad to see the slow formed smile appear back on her lover's face.
"Yeah, just what he was going to look like. What he might be when he grew up. I had this plan that I could buy an apartment nothing flash but I had it planned out in my head what he's room would look like and stuff" Emma explained and Regina saw the blonde's far off look at the memories of what ifs.
"What changed?" Regina asked softly with genuine interest. What had happened to make this young teen drop her dreams of her unborn son? She saw Emma's smile falter, though it didn't disappear completely.
"About a month later, I felt him kick for the first time. I was in the shower and it was like this twitch in my stomach, I guessed you'd say. I don't really know how to describe it but it was a definite kick. I never got that weird fluttering people always talk about or if I did, I didn't notice. But when he kicked…" Emma explained as she looked Regina dead in the eye. There was no hesitation or doubt in neither Emma's eyes nor facial expression. Regina could see while Emma may have wondered what had become of the boy she gave up, she wasn't in any doubt she had done the right thing by her son. Their son.
"That was when I realised just how real he was. He had never been that real to me before" Emma explained with a slight shake her head. The fingers against Regina's skin had long since come to rest upon her hip bone, despite their lack of movement she still found the connection she desired and hoped Emma did too. "What he'd need, and what I wanted for him…I could never give him that. Sure one day the apartment might happen when I managed to get enough together but until then?" the woman exclaimed and Regina heard the sound of disgust in her voice and felt its tug against her own heart. Poor Emma.
"He was due before I was to be released I couldn't even really look after him until he was like three month old, and that was if the prison had a nursery. I didn't even ask. No one told me. I just told them I was giving him up. I couldn't be the mother he deserved" Emma explained and Regina saw her jade eyes glistening at what Regina could only assume was at the memory of Henry's birth. Regina had believed for ten years that Henry's birthmother had given him up so he was no longer a burden to her. While this belief had long been shattered since she met Emma, she saw for the first time just how difficult it had been for the other woman to do. She had done it because she had loved Henry just as much as Regina.
"You are now" Regina clarified, needed Emma to understand just what she'd done for their son. Just how needed she was in their boy's life…in her life too. She was just what they needed and made their family whole. She was everything both Regina and their son had been looking for their entire lives.
"Thank you" Emma said quietly and Regina watched her pale skin pinken considerably.
"You never have to thank me for telling the truth. Also I'm pretty sure it's me that should be saying thank you, to you for Henry" Regina stated honestly and felt the smile overtake her lips as she watched Emma's tighten further still.
"When I was keeping him…I'd decided I was going to call him Timothy" Emma added and Regina finally understood what she had believed was an interlude to their conversation. It was a testament to Emma's respect and relationship with this boy that she had decided to name her son after him.
"Timothy Swan" Regina stated softly and heard Emma almost teasing chuckling.
"He was always destined to be a Mills, Regina" the saviour supplied and all Regina could do was hum in agreement because she supposed it was true. Regina had always been destined to adopt Emma's son.
"I always dreamed when I found a family that wanted me, I'd take their name. I'd finally belong. I loved the Swans I did. They were my first family…" Emma explained and Regina saw her face fall. Her dark eyes fell to the space between their pillows and Regina felt the feeling of foreboding plunge around her. She didn't like it. Not one bit.
"But I'd become Emma Swan, and they gave me up. I know now why, they couldn't afford me and have their own baby but as a kid it didn't make sense. That baby was my little brother or sister and I used to read it bedtime stories before I went to bed" Emma explained with a saddened smile upon her lips. The intensity of sorrow in Emma's eyes was enough to make Regina's heart lurch within her chest and her stomach to sit heavily in her gut. The older woman could picture a little three year old Emma Swan with bright blonde hair and cheeky grin reading to her foster mother's stomach.
"But then they sent me back. Every family did and I just wanted a family, a family I'd belong to you know?" Emma asked, her fingers started moving against Regina's skin once more; though even Regina could feel it was more of distraction.
"I do…you belong here you know that right?" Regina said lowering her eye line, effectively forcing Emma to look her in the eye.
"Yeah" Emma breathed and Regina knew more was to come. A single word told her that Emma may not truly believe it and it hurt more she had ever believed possible. "Just…for the last thirty years I've been a Swan. Had to…carry around this reminder that people didn't want me. That's what being a "Swan" meant to me" Emma continued and Regina saw Emma's bottom lip quiver. It wasn't enough to break her, and as soon as it happened the blonde's teeth seized the trembling flesh almost painfully. She hadn't considered what Emma's own name had caused the young woman to feel and she couldn't help but feel guilt at knowing she had intentionally called Emma "Miss Swan". She had known it had annoyed her, but she hadn't realised it caused her actual pain.
"Emma…" Regina breathed unable to even say the words to apologise at the knowledge she had inadvertently caused Emma yet another emotional scar.
"Just earlier you said you'd want my last name. I just assumed I'd take yours and Henry's" Emma admitted quietly and Regina felt the wind get knocked cleanly out of her lungs in surprise. She hadn't expected her admission to have such an effect on the other woman.
"The name Mills came with the curse. My mother…she was a Miller's daughter. Mills, it's not real. We didn't have surnames in the Enchanted Forest but here I became Regina Mills" the brunette explained carefully was thankful that Emma was still looking at her. The love and adoration she felt for the woman holding her amazed her and it surprised her still when she saw the same feelings reflecting back at her. She had thought she wasn't worthy of such affection, warmth and love and yet Emma gave it so willingly. She gave it without question and yet Regina had doubted it. Had doubted Emma sincerity and had stupidly believed Emma when she had claimed to no longer love her. Looking at her now Regina realised just how stupid she had been that day. Stupid enough to believe her and let her walk out of the office.
"When I said I wanted to share your name I wanted…I wanted something…to be a part of something real. I didn't mean to upset you" Regina reassured her love because that had been the very last thing she had wanted to do. She hadn't wanted to cause Emma any hurt or discomfort and she was sorry if she had done either.
"You didn't. God you didn't" Emma sighed and Regina saw the tears return to Emma's eyes. The older woman heard the tone of gratitude and felt her heart lift as her emotions mirrored Emma's. "I didn't…I never thought someone would want to be part of my family" Emma admitted softly and Regina simply smiled at her in disbelief.
"You and Henry are my family" Regina stated without thought and her stomach fluttered at the look of appreciation that graced her love's face.
"How about a compromise?" Emma whispered after a few moments.
"Hmmm…" was Regina's only reply as she tucked a piece of Emma's shortened hair behind her ear; a movement made difficult by Emma's hand practically pinning her to the bed.
"Swan-Mills… or Mills-Swan obviously" Emma supplied with an awkward chuckle.
Regina had indulged in a proposal and life that would never be, she could indulge in this too. She could close her eyes and see the life she would never live. She could almost reach out and touch it, grasp it with both hands and refuse to ever let it go. Almost. She'd settle for dreams if it meant she got to hold onto the woman in front of her for as long as she could. She'd give up so much for minutes more with her Emma. "Swan-Mills sounds better" Regina succumbed easily and felt her insides lighten at Emma's beautiful chuckle. It sounded perfect. "The Swan-Mills family and our mongrel" Regina added and was delighted to hear Emma's outburst of a full body laugh.
"Hey don't be mean about our dog" Emma retorted with a sharp prod to Regina's side, before her serious demeanour cracked and her laughter rang out once more. Regina easily joined her in laughter and revelled in the feeling of Emma's body as she pressed into her frame.
"Regina Swan-Mills…" Regina said testing the way if felt on her lips and tasted on her tongue. If she was honest with herself nothing had felt so right. Not ever.
"My Regina" Emma breathed gently and the older woman felt her heart clench with happiness at the thought of it. Regardless of her or Emma's last name, she would always be Emma's. Forever and always.
"I wish I'd got to propose" Regina admitted and felt momentarily worried she'd ruined the moment as Emma lifted head and the laughter died out with a whoosh from her lungs. Neither spoke as Emma's grin disappeared and the younger woman let out a deep sigh.
"Me too" Emma confessed and it broke Regina's heart.
Regina felt her fingers tingle. The small diamond ring was in the draw across the room. A few strides and she'd be holding it in her hand. She could do it now. It wouldn't be a beautiful moonlit evening with the warm sand between their toes and salty air dancing across their faces; but it would still be perfect. She'd still get to see the blonde's smiling face as her eyes glistened with happiness, and hear her voice hitch with a broken "yes". All she'd have to do is stand and walk the few paces.
"I couldn't let you though. I couldn't…" Emma continued her breath hitching just in the way Regina had wanted to hear all those months ago, and yet pleaded with the universe she'd never hear again. "Knowing what was…what could happen, I couldn't let you. I couldn't promise you forever when I didn't even know what tomorrow would look like" the young blonde explained with a look of completely and utter heartbrokenness upon her face that Regina wanted so badly to wrap her up and make her forget it all. Make it so Emma wasn't sick or dying. She wanted to make it right again.
Regina felt her breath catch in her throat and felt the familiar pang of defeat within her chest at the sounds of Emma's voice and saddened words. She'd done it once. Lost someone she was to marry. She remembered the happiness she felt at wearing Daniel's ring, at the prospect of their tomorrows; only to have them ripped away. Looking into Emma's eyes as she watched them shimmer with their already dwindling future, Regina found she was still willing to grasp onto it. She knew it wouldn't last. She knew Emma would likely be gone within the year but that didn't mean they couldn't live their lives until then. It didn't mean they couldn't be happy for the short time they still had together. It would be more than some people ever got. If she proposed though…Emma might say no. She wished it didn't matter. She already felt like Emma's wife. She had for a long time now, and descriptions like "girlfriend" and "partner" had felt peculiar long before Emma had confided in wanting a family…a future with Regina.
"I'd love to wear your ring…and I'd kill to see you in a wedding dress" Emma admitted with such conviction Regina felt it bore into her soul and felt it catch alight. She also couldn't help but wonder and not for the first time, if Emma could read her mind. She supposed maybe Emma could read and feel her emotions, a side effect of their connected magic. Maybe it was this that allowed Emma to know her better than anyone had ever done.
She did not need a piece of paper to say they were married or Emma's parents blessing. But she found herself wanting them. She wanted Emma to wear her engagement and wedding bands. She wanted them both to have a sleepless night because it was tradition to sleep apart the night before the wedding only for one to magic herself to the other in the silence of night. She wanted to see Emma walk towards her in a flowing gown as their family and friends looked on, despite both brides only having eyes for her love. She wanted them to hold each other as they made love on their honeymoon, promising their new wife to love her for as long as they were able and then some. She…they could still have that. She wanted that.
"Hmmm if I'm wearing one, you are too" Regina stated in a tone she hoped carried jest and not the anguish of her previous words; but she could see it. In her mind's eye. She could see Emma in a gorgeous sleeveless white dress, with her hair tied in an elegant bun and a beautiful bouquet of flowers grasped in her hand, walking towards her down the aisle all the time trying not to trip but still with a huge smile on her face. One which was just for her. Regina would have to hold herself back from running towards her future bride and kissing her senseless before she even made it to the alter. She could see, feel it. She needed it.
"For you, anything" Emma admitted and Regina felt her heart flutter at the ease in which she gave it. The image in her brain had never been so bright and within her grasp.
"Really?" Regina asked in amazement. Emma Swan didn't wear dresses often, and the very few times Regina had seen her in one it had been the result of force. Or at least gentle persuasion with promises of a not so innocent reward once she was out of it. Regina felt her cheeks ache at the thought of Emma wearing one willingly.
"Anything for my bride …on one condition" Emma supplied with a slightly mischievous glint in her eye. Okay so it seemed Emma would wear the dress for her, but still it meant so much, even if it seemed Emma would want something in return. Something…whatever it was Regina would give just as willingly.
"Oh no…what?" Regina groaned with a smile just as mischievous as Emma gaze.
"One of your Queen outfits on the honeymoon" Emma stated firmly. There was clearly no room for discussion, but Regina couldn't help the genuine smile she felt tug upon her lips as she noticed Emma didn't say Evil Queen. It still amazed her that Emma truly didn't see her as such. It wasn't as if Emma ignored Regina's past, but she did not dwell on it either. She loved her. Her flaws and mistakes just as much as anything else. Emma truly loved her, just for her.
"And the honeymoon in that cabin on the outskirts of town…if you wanted obviously" Emma added excitedly. Yet again Regina couldn't help but be amazed and in awe at the thought the other woman had put into the little things. It was one thing to want to get married and have children, but to have put thought into the details like where they were to have their honeymoon…it meant more than Regina could ever verbalise. She was finally worth the little details. Someone had put in the effort and thought into the little details and they included her. Regina consumed Emma's thoughts as often as Emma did hers.
"I suppose that could be arranged… as long as you don't tell your mother" Regina replied with a slight quip as she felt the corners of her lips curl at Emma's eye roll.
"Oh yes because I was planning to tell my Mom about our honeymoon activities" Emma replied sarcastically as she poked one of her fingers into Regina's side again, before they both erupted into laughter.
"Just checking" Regina added her chortle marring her words, but if she was honest with herself the look on Snow's face after hearing such content would be rather amusing and almost worth it.
"Hmmm…" the former sheriff added, and Regina grinned as she felt Emma's fingers grip at her hip.
"So two wedding dressing, Queen outfit…" Regina said out loud considering her wedding to do list.
"With cleavage" Emma interrupted quickly and Regina couldn't help but shake her head with a snigger at the other woman's eagerness. She had never known Emma's desire to see her in her "Queen" attire. She had several of her old dresses in her vault; all Emma had to do is ask and she would have received.
"With cleavage" Regina confirmed lightly. "You in a suit?" Regina suggested with what was meant to be a level of assertion Emma had just given, but it fell short ever so slightly.
"Is that so…knew you liked me suits" Emma teased playfully, the fingers which were previously holding her in place, swept through her hair to tuck the loose hair behind Regina's ear. Despite the blonde's lively tone the former Queen saw the adoration reflecting back at her.
"Just means I get the best of both worlds, dear" Regina retorted back, noting Emma's playful grin.
"Suit it is then" the blonde gave in easily.
"Flowers?" Regina asked and was surprised to see and hear Emma laugh.
"I don't really mind…you could sort that out" Emma blustered while still trying not to laugh under Regina's steeling gaze. "As long as I have you walking towards me I don't care about the details. You could wear a brown sack and I wouldn't care" the other woman continued and Regina felt her heart swell at the admission and knew her cheeks tinted rouge at the devotion in Emma's eyes and smile.
"Though I'd love if it was Henry that gave you away" Emma admitted quietly. She hadn't even considered that part of the ceremony and the fact Emma had made her love her even more. How had she ever doubted this woman?
"I'm sure he'd love that" Regina replied with a small nod relishing in the feeling of Emma's fingers dancing across her arm with just a thin layer of silk between them and her flesh. She felt a small shiver travel up her spine, though Emma didn't seem to notice the effect she had on the older woman.
"Never thought I'd have a dad to give me away…" Emma continued and Regina saw just how amazed the blonde was at the prospect. If the former Mayor looked hard enough into her fantasy she could see Charming walking his daughter down the aisle. The look absolute contemplation on Emma's face was sweet enough to make her smile. All this woman had ever wanted was a family.
"You think I'm cheesy now don't you?" Emma said clearly realising Regina was watching her. Regina watched as the other woman's face pinkened and while Emma did not move away from her, she felt the blonde's fingers being retracted. Before the Saviour had chance to move, Regina rolled forward slightly and somewhat awkwardly causing their hips to collide.
"Not at all" Regina replied softly ignoring any awkwardness her movement might have created, however her words couldn't be any truer. Emma looked honestly and truly happy and it made Regina's heart skip in her chest. "Just thinking of how much I love you" the older woman said around a smile.
"I love you too" Emma gave back easily, causing Regina to sigh with contentment. This woman really did love her. They could have all this. Beautiful gowns, glittering weddings rings with family and friends in gorgeous dresses and handsome suits. They could have a special honeymoon and make love under the stars with only the sound of the lapping lake and love confessions and promises as they called each other Mrs Swan-Mills surrounding them. They could have their future…if Regina had her way they would have it, no matter how short lived it was.
"So this dog…" Regina said breaking the silence that had surrounded them.
Emma's burst of laughter was literally music to her ears. "You're actually considering getting a dog…" Emma said softly in clear amazement.
"You said you wanted one" Regina supplied easily. If having a dog for a few months made Emma happy she'd go to the shelter tomorrow and get one. She'd be there for the place opening and buy one.
"I do but I never thought you'd say yes. If I'd known we'd have had one for like over a year now" Emma said with a slight chortle to her voice. Regina however found it difficult to laugh or even smile as Emma considered her "stupidity" at not mentioning her desire for a canine companion. All Emma's words did was remind Regina of the time they'd lost; and as such the time they were going to lose.
"How much doggie proofing would we be talking?" Regina asked trying to not let her thoughts cloud or ruin their conversation. The look of glee on Emma's face was enough for her to box away her emotions, at least for now.
"Doggie proofing … really?" Emma asked with a clear tone of faux tease. Regina simply glared back at her lover and saw Emma's smile tighten. "The house is pretty fine as it is. Just nothing edible on its level and nothing you'd miss if it ate it" Emma informed her. It sounded like most of the books she's read while she was prepping the house for Henry learning to crawl.
"So like baby proofing?" Regina supplied and the blonde head nodded.
"Yeah basically. Though dogs are more likely to …mess on your carpet" Emma supplied as she scrunched her nose at the thought of it.
"You aren't selling the idea" Regina quipped knowing her face carried more an expression of disgust as she spoke.
Emma however simply laughed at her discomfort. "You're being serious aren't you" Emma added after a moment in a tone of disbelief.
"Yes" Regina stated hoping Emma would understand just how serious she was being. The older woman on the other hand merely shook her head just before a breath taking smile appeared upon the saviour's face.
"God I love you" Emma exclaimed before placing a kiss upon Regina's lips. It was a move that took the brunette by surprise but it didn't take as long for Regina to respond. Regina could feel Emma's smile against her lips, as the blond pulled away slightly. "So so much" the other woman breathed before capturing her bottom lip again. The usual sparks that fly between them seemed to be concentrated solely in their connected lips as Regina felt Emma's teeth graze across her lip.
Regina felt her scalp tingle as Emma's finger slid up the back of her neck to entangle themselves in her hair, pulling her flush against her. Emma's intoxicating touch, smell and taste…she'd missed her. Regina clutched onto the only piece of Emma she could which turned out to be her side. She could feel Emma's protruding ribcage beneath her fingertips as she too pulled Emma in close to her. Their mouths met again and again as they both nipped as each other's offered lips and tried to catch their breath. Regina felt Emma's demeanour change. The smile was no longer on the lips she tasted. Her whole body seemed to tense as she tried to continue this facade. Maybe she should let Emma pretend. Except she couldn't. Not anymore.
Emma moved closer when Regina tried to distance her face and lips from Emma's. "What?" she managed to say before Emma seized her lips again.
"Nothing" the other woman murmured though did nothing to prove whatever was going on in Emma's head was indeed "nothing". Regina pulled away completely making it impossible for Emma to try and kiss her once again.
"Regina don't…" Emma pleaded, which only served to make Regina feel even worse.
"Talk to me" Regina asked and saw Emma's jaw clench.
"I don't want to ruin this…" the blonde breathed before she moved forward to kiss her again.
"Please" the former Queen implored and watched as Emma bite down upon her bottom lip before sighing.
"Before I had my operation…" Emma started and Regina couldn't help but swallow the bitterness that rose within her throat. The other woman shot a clear "I told you so" look straight at her. "It doesn't matter" Emma said with an angered sigh before she sat up, effectively removing herself from Regina's hold completely. The feeling of stupidity flooded her veins. She should have schooled her reactions. Emma would never tell her these things if Regina continued to react like that. If Emma was willing to share then she wanted to hear it.
"Yes it does. Tell me" Regina said forcefully, though Emma simply shook her head.
"No, forget it" Emma retorted with a wave of her hand. Her partner couldn't even look at her.
"Emma please" Regina begged, sitting up just as her love had just done. She felt Emma's tense when she placed her hand on the blonde's forearm. "Please tell me" Regina breathed as her hand slipped down to rest upon Emma's thigh. She watched as Emma's jaw clenched and her lover simply stared straight ahead, barely blinking.
"I made my will" Emma finally admitted though her gaze did not move from the blank wall across from them. Regina hadn't been expecting that. Of all the things Emma could say she hadn't thought it would be that, however it didn't make the ache in her chest lessen at all.
"Ok-ay" Regina prompted gently wanting Emma to continue.
"I had it amended just before I had chemotherapy and radiation…They suggested I had some eggs harvested before because it can cause damage to the eggs and hormone levels that can stop fertility" Emma continued quietly and Regina felt her stomach plummet to the floor. She defiantly hadn't been expecting Emma to say that. What was she meant to say to that?
"It was in case afterwards we did decide to have kids. There was the option there. I know you said you couldn't get pregnant but didn't know if it was because time was frozen or something else …" Emma explained clearly as if she feared for Regina's reaction. Several moments passed before Emma turned her head to look at Regina once more.
"Okay…" Regina replied slowly feeling almost as nervous as Emma looked in case she gave the wrong response.
"But if I …didn't make it…I…" Emma stammered and Regina felt the bitterness rise to her mouth again along with her stomach as tried and failed to swallow back her emotions. "God…I left them to you in my will" Emma blurted out and Regina felt her heart stop within her chest only to start beating at twice if not thrice its usual rate. Emma had left her eggs to her Regina… in her will?
"You left me your eggs in your will?" Regina asked stupidly, her brain unable to connect the words and their meaning. Emma simply nodded. Regina felt as if she was floating. As if she was hanging over the top of an abyss just waiting to fall into the dark depths below. How…what…this couldn't be happening. Could it?
"You never have to use them. It was so you had an option" Emma added quickly clearly sensing Regina wasn't fully prepared for the conversation. All she could do was nod dumbly as she gripped to the thigh beneath her hand.
The talk of a wedding and changing their name … honeymoon outfits and cute dogs … but this was a tangible thing. Emma had left her the ability to have her children. The emotion seemed to burn within her chest as tears prickled at her eyes forcing her vision to blur painfully. Something was forcing its self upon her chest, making it nearly impossible to breath. Each time she tried to draw in another breath the tight band around her chest tightened further still. She couldn't breathe. She was going to pass out.
"Say something" Emma hushed forcefully, looking genuinely worried for the other woman. Regina opened her mouth so say something. Anything. Yet the only noise that racked through her lungs, throat and mouth as a strangled, agonising sob. Emma flipped around completely to face Regina straight on. The brunette's hand that had previously been resting upon Emma's thigh rose to clutch at its owner's mouth as Regina tried to contain her cries.
"I'm sorry I thought… I didn't mean to assume. I know we weren't together but…." Emma rushed clearly misunderstanding the reasoning behind Regina's upset. They may not have been together but they were really. That assumption wasn't what making Regina unable to function.
"We were meant to have children together….not in a petri dish" Regina spluttered and felt Emma's hand take hold of Regina's shoulders before pulling her forward. Nestling her head in the crux of Emma's shoulder was not comfortable and at this angle was extremely awkward but she found she didn't care as she clutched Emma's top in her free hand. Her ragged breaths burned her lungs as tried to pull oxygen into them.
"I just thought…" Emma murmured into the crown of her head and Regina felt the hand clutching the other woman's top tighten.
"We were… I can't do this. I can't…you're supposed to be here and help me raise our children. You and me. Not me on my own" Regina choked around her sobs. She felt Emma's grip upon her tighten. The hold was almost as tight as the invisible force upon her chest and lungs and yet she felt it lessening. She could hear Emma's laboured breathing close against her ear just over the sound of her own heartbeat drumming in her ears.
"Regina I didn't…" Emma spoke again and Regina heard the blonde's own tears lacing her broken words. This couldn't be happening. If she gripped on as tight as she could Emma couldn't leave her. Couldn't leave her family. She wouldn't let her.
Regina moved her head from Emma's shoulder to rest it upon the blonde's forehead. Emma's broken breath danced across her face and all Regina could do was close her eyes and train her breathing to slow. Slow enough to talk. Enough to make sure Emma understood. She needed Emma to understand. She needed Emma.
Opening her eyes she saw her own pain reflecting back at her. "I'd love to have your baby Emma, but you are meant to be here with me" Regina finally spoke, hearing her own voice's unwanted squeak. "We're meant to pick out colour schemes, fight over stupid baby names and gush over scan pictures insisting our jelly bean sized baby is the cutest baby ever" she continued with a saddened smile at the stupidity only parents can express over their children. She watched was thick tears fell down Emma's cheeks and wished she could stop them.
"You're supposed to be there to hold my hand while I curse you for making me pregnant and tell me how beautiful I am when I'm in labour" Regina said with fake annoyance and was thankful when she heard Emma tut of laughter at the prospect. Probably because they both knew that was exactly what would happen. It took a moment for Regina to continue as she felt the tears choke her breath. "You're supposed to be here and watch Henry graduate and our babies grow up. You're supposed to wait for me at the end of the aisle and promise to love me forever until we're both old and grey" Regina stuttered unable to keep the emotions or tears at bay.
Her sobs racked through her and she had little defence against them as they tore through her lungs and assaulted the air. She couldn't offer any words of comfort to the woman she was clinging to. She could only watch as Emma's tears overcame her, though her cries were quieter than her own. She wanted so desperately the future they planned. "So you have to stay Emma with us. You have to stay with me" Regina commanded around another broken cry because she knew just like her, Emma had no control over her fate. Emma would never have chosen this, not willingly. Emma had done everything in her power and that of the Dark One to try and stay with her. There was nothing they could do.
Emma just looked back at her as tears fell down her face. She could feel her lover shaking ever so gently. She was trying to be strong for her. Just as Regina was meant to be for her. She wasn't meant to be crying like this. She was meant to be strong and be Emma's rock when she needed her. She was…Emma pulled Regina forward forcefully using the grip she had upon her shoulders and seized her mouth roughly.
The kiss was all teeth and tongue as both women gripped upon her love. It was fast, needy and uncoordinated. She could taste their tears upon her tongue. It sort to rip the air from their lungs and leave them wanting more. It was to daze them into submission and to seek answers in their lover's arms and bodies. Only Regina could feel Emma's shaking once again. Emma's resolve was not as strong as she was pretending. It surprised them both however when it was Regina's sobs that rang out, effectively separating the two grieving women.
"I want…I want it all" Regina cried as she felt Emma's hands twine themselves into her hair to pull her forehead towards her lips.
Her lips rested upon her brow before Emma's broken reply was breathed, "Me too".
"I can't lose you" Regina whimpered desperately.
"You won't" Emma said her tone just as desperate. There was nothing they could do. They had done it all. It had all failed. Emma was going to die. There was no point in denying that now. She was going to die. Now it was a case of when. "You won't" Emma repeated and Regina found she could almost believe her. Emma moved her head backwards so Regina could see her face once more. "I'll be right here" Emma said moving one of her hands over Regina's heart and she felt it jump at an erratic pace.
"I love you so much" Regina choked back, her hand still tightening entwined in Emma's top.
"Me too...me too" Emma replied sadly, though the look upon her face told Regina just how much she was loved. Emma loved her with everything she was.
Emma's kiss was gentle at first. Meant to sooth and comfort. Regina could still taste their salty tears. She didn't want that taste. She wanted Emma. She wanted to taste and remember nothing but Emma. She needed her lover. She craved her like an addition. A fix she knew she could only have for so long.
The kisses deepened and she felt Emma following suit. Felt Emma's tongue slide against her own just as it always did. Mapping out every inch of Regina's mouth. Regina used the hand balled in Emma's shirt to pull her down on top of her as Regina allowed herself to fall backwards.
Emma's force upon her lips was fierce, desperate and needy. It was exactly what Regina required. The hand still entangled in Regina's hair lifted her head off the bed as if Emma was unable to get enough. Every inch of her body felt as if it was on fire. A fire only Emma could ignite and extinguish. She felt her hip roll against Emma's as the blonde's free hand moved beneath her silk top. The blonde's hand's danced across her ribcage, just beneath the wire of her bra.
They should be doing this for the rest of their lives. Moving against one another in a perfected dancing only they knew the moves to. The passion and need only they felt fuelling them whether it be an exclamation of utter devotion, anger fuelled sex or make up sex. Whatever the reason it should be something they did for the rest of time. It should be something they could tease Henry for when he got older, though a noisy kiss was all that was needed to embarrass the young teen, because his mothers were much too old to be doing such things. They were meant to fall asleep next to the woman they loved and wake next to her every morning. For the rest of eternity. How could she ever stop knowing that this time might be the last time?
"Stop thinking so much" Emma breathed against her parted lips.
"I can't" Regina whispered back and even she heard the sorrow laced within her words. Not really a turn on.
"Yes you can, just stay with me" Emma soothed, lacing their fingers together as she repeated Regina's earlier plea.
It was with a slight shiver the brunette woke hours later. It took her seconds to realise why she'd woken feeling so cold despite the early July heat. She was still naked and now uncovered. Emma had all the cover. In fact she was laid with the cover wrapped around her and from the inch of the blond Regina could see, she could see she was dressed. It was clear Emma had been awake during the night again. Why hadn't she woken her?
Regina went to move and was surprised to feel Emma's hand grasp at her. Effectively pinning her in place. "Stay" Emma said groggily, her eyes still closed as if relaxed in sleep.
"It's nearly nine, Henry is going to be up soon" Regina said softly as not to startle the still half sleeping woman.
Emma said something that sounded very much like a muffled "so?" as she rolled forward into Regina's bare frame.
"I promised him pancakes this morning" Regina said trying to reason with the woman who was now nearly lying on top of her.
"He's probably forgotten" the muffled voice said from Regina's shoulder. Regina would be lying if she said she wasn't surprised Emma hadn't pushed her out ass first at the mention of pancakes.
"You do know our son right?" Regina replied with a small chuckle as she played with the back of Emma's hair enjoying the way the length allowed her fingers to slide right through it. Emma's only response was a low but clearly very annoyed groan.
"I can come right back up once I've made ours, and make his when he gets up" Regina said trying reason with the thirty year old child and was surprised when Emma shook her head and buried her face deeper into the crux of Regina's shoulder. "Emma" Regina hushed gently.
"No" Emma groaned and instead of pulling herself closer to Regina, the blonde moved her hand to rest again the brunette's opposite hip. Before Regina could consider what was happening Emma had pulled her in closer, moving the blanket to cover the naked woman's midriff but nothing else. The way Emma snuggled into her the blonde believed she had thwarted Regina's attempt to escape. Regina continued to play with Emma's hair and smiled when she saw Emma's look of contentment.
"Emma if I go make and them now while Henry is still asleep, I can come back for more cuddling" Regina whispered into the ear next to her lips and she saw the moment the blonde finally opened one eye.
"You won't be long?" Emma asked groggily which was so endearing the sentence alone nearly made Regina stay.
"I promise…you won't even know I've gone" Regina assured. It was probably true because she could tell from Emma's voice she'd be back to sleep before she left the room.
"Okay" the younger woman caved placing a kiss to Regina's collarbone, before releasing her. Regina didn't even try to suppress her chuckle as she clambered free from the sheet only half covering her. Coming across her pyjamas on from the night before, she put them back on with speed. She could change after breakfast for her journey to collect the car and the family's ice cream for their movie and games day ahead. She spared a last look over her shoulder at the now sound asleep blonde who was once again wrapped within the cover, only her head and feet sticking out at either end. It wasn't surprising the blonde always had freezing cold feet.
Regina wasted no time as she entered the kitchen. First she collected the bowls from the dishwasher Emma had set away the night before, followed by the needed ingredients. Her hands were autopilot as she created the mixture. She felt a chill run down her spine and wished she had succumbed to Emma's request and stayed with her. She wished she never had to leave their little cocoon, but apparently her and her family needed food.
Regina heard a small noise coming from upstairs. Clearly one of her family had decided it was time to get up. Considering Emma's reluctance to let Regina get up, it was probably their son eager for his pancakes. As if Emma had believed the teen would forget such a promise of sticky and unhealthy breakfast foods. He was Emma's son after all. Regina considered calling up to her son to tell him to let his birthmother sleep on but no further noise followed the first. He was probably using the bathroom before coming downstairs. So much for extra snuggles with Emma. The other women would not be happy with that turnout.
Last night had been amazing. It had been emotional and difficult but it had been amazing. There were things she hadn't known about Emma's past that she knew now. Things about Emma she hadn't previously known she guessed she could say. The way Emma had touched her was different too. Emma had always touched her as if she was something fragile. Something worth protecting, but last night had been different. Emma had taken her time and made her feel…special. Part of her wished she could remember every time they had made love but like everything else those occasions blurred together because there was always going to be another time. But last night…she didn't know if it was because she knew their days were numbered, but she'd remember it for the rest of her life. Every touch, every breath. Neither had been able to hold their tears for long but both had held their lover through their tears, offering the only comfort they could. That was what she could do for Emma now. Be there for her, hold her and cry with her. Be everything she needed her to be.
"Regina?" Emma's voice said as it seems to ring through the silent house. So much for thinking the noise had been their son. Maybe they could squeeze in an extra thirty minutes of cuddling before waking Henry.
"What?" she hissed back trying to ensure her voice travelled up to the blonde but did not wake their sleeping son. Silence followed. It was with a big sigh Regina picked up whisk again only to hear Emma voice once more.
"Regina!" Emma shouted. Her voice sounded panicked and choked. Something was wrong. Very wrong. Dropping the whisk she ran. She ran the length of the hallway, only turning at the base of the stairs. She turned just in time to see a hunched Emma go to clutch the handrail only to miss and fall with an anguished cry that made Regina's heart plummeted to ground where her love lay motionless.