Chapter 19 – Recriminations

'Julia Myles?' Lisbon replied, moving herself to a sitting position. 'But you haven't even met her yet, you said she wasn't in her room?'

'I know, but I still had a little nosey around in there. There were no personal effects anywhere, just a room full of textbooks and a very neatly made up bed' Jane said, sitting up too.

Lisbon eyed him quizzically. 'Just because she has a neat bed and no knick knacks you think she's a killer? What else?'

'That's why I read the background check done on her earlier. She came here about a year ago from thousands of miles away. What type of person does that without bringing a memento or two with her, a photo to put on her nightstand or desk at the least? Also, she's originally from Fairfield, California, it's pretty close to Napa.'

'You think she knew McAllister? That she was some sort of disciple of his? Jane, I know to trust your hunches by now but this is thin to say the least. That would make her about sixteen when he died, surely he wouldn't have been recruiting her at that age? And you said you only had a quick look around, she could have a box full of personal stuff for all you know hidden away somewhere in her room, she just might not be the type to put them on show. Besides, I looked at her file too, she's from a good family, she's never even had a speeding ticket.'

Jane nodded, listening intently. 'McAllister was a sheriff, that fact that she's never been in trouble doesn't mean a thing. And to be honest, the fact that she's never even had a speeding ticket proves my point even more, she's been taught to be careful, fastidious.'

Jane thought for a second and added softly, 'And age didn't mean a damn thing to him', looking drawn. Lisbon touched his hand and he took hers, as he began to speak again. 'If he saw something in her, something he could manipulate for his own means, then of course he would have recruited her.'

'Or she could have been taught to be a neat freak and a good driver by her parents. And what is her motive for killing Kerry? And why like that?'

Jane nodded, acknowledging they were all good questions he didn't have an answer for yet and that she could be right, she could just be a neat freak after all. 'That's why I need to talk to her tomorrow, I'll know then. Instead of going to the college, let's get her to the office instead, I want to see how she stands up to being placed in an interrogation room.'

Okay. I'll get it organised in the morning.'

They lay back on the couch again and tried to relax. There was nothing to do until morning and Lisbon's impatience was making her leg twitch.

Jane put his arms around her and began to stroke her hair, trying to calm her down.

'You want to watch some people shoot each other or relieve the tension another way?' he asked, beginning to kiss her ear.

She smiled back at him, her leg relaxing but Jane stopped kissing her, apparent to him her mind was not on carnal activity at the moment.

'What is it? You have a question for me obviously.'

Lisbon breathed deeply and sat beside him. Jane looked at her, trying to read what the question might be before she uttered it.

'How did you feel, after you killed him?' Lisbon asked tentatively.

Jane understood and nodded. 'Are you sure you want to know?'

'Yes.'

He had thought that he had effectively sidelined this question from her but it had obviously still been playing in her mind.

He thought for a moment before replying. 'I felt glad that I had finally accomplished what I had set out to do, that I had avenged my wife and daughter's killer and, perhaps more than that, that his years of playing games with me were finally over at last and I could finally breathe. I knew he would never harm anyone I cared about ever again and I felt an overwhelming sense of relief and joy because of that.'

'You did the right thing, it's taken me a long time to come to that conclusion and I still wish it hadn't been you to do it but if he had been captured I know he would have found some way to keep on torturing you, even from a prison cell.'

'Why did you help me that day? If it hadn't been for you persuading Abbott to let me go I may never have got him.'

Lisbon sat with her head down and spoke. 'I honestly don't know. I had watched you struggle for so many years and looking into your eyes that day and seeing your desperation I just had to do everything in my power to help. As soon as you drove off I could hardly breathe for a while, I was so worried about you. If anything had happened to you, I would never have forgiven myself.'

'That's why I called you, just to let you know I was okay so you wouldn't worry as much.'

Lisbon looked up at him again. 'Was that always going to be your plan, to run away when it was all over?'

He shrugged at the uncomfortable question. 'To be honest I never thought I'd survive it. I thought if I actually did manage to kill him then I would either be dead too or be arrested immediately. When I did it and noticed no one was around me pointing guns I just began running as fast as I could.'

She said quietly, 'I was surprised you strangled him, I can understand shooting him but strangulation, it's so...'

'Personal?'

Lisbon shrugged. 'I dunno, I just can't imagine you being so violent, it troubled me that you were, even to him.'

Jane smiled faintly. 'Are you worried about my immortal soul, is that it?'

Lisbon looked at him and made the smile fall from his face. 'I know you think my faith is a joke but I pray for you every day, you know.'

Jane nodded and, trying to respect her beliefs for once, said nothing.

He then said, 'I always told you I would kill him with my own hands, Lisbon. I never lied to you about that. I would have gutted him if I had a knife on me at the time.'

She grimaced and nodded morosely. 'I know you did. I just hoped when you came to it you wouldn't have been able to do it.'

'Knowing what I did, did it change your opinion of me?'

Lisbon thought for a second and replied, 'Maybe it should do, but no, not fundamentally.'

'That's good to hear' he replied, relieved.

'I presume you had a fake identity already in place to get you over the border?'

Jane nodded. 'Yes, I'd had it for years on the off chance I might need it someday along with some cash. I had a safety deposit box so went straight there and picked up what I needed the same day.'

'I know. Abbott showed me the security footage of you going into the bank that turned up a few days after you left. He wanted to see if I knew about it in advance.' She sighed heavily. 'He knew when he saw my reaction I didn't have a clue.'

Jane nodded, taking her hand, 'It had to be that way Teresa, I knew he would pump you for information and I didn't want the focus to be on you, he had to know I acted alone, I couldn't risk you being implicated.'

Lisbon removed her hand from his and sniffed. She looked up at him. 'Do you have any regrets at all?'

Jane noticed a change in her disposition as she withdrew her hand. 'If you're asking me if I would do anything differently that day, the answer is no, frankly I wouldn't. I'm still happy the man is dead and that I did it. But it didn't bring my family back to me, didn't make their loss less painful. And because of what I did that day I stayed away from you for two years, I have plenty of regrets about that decision.'

'You thought by leaving you could protect us from taking the fall with you, that the FBI would turn their spotlight to you and leave us be' Lisbon said, pain in her voice.

'It worked, didn't it?'

'I despised you for doing that to us, doing that to me without so much as a discussion, after all we went through for you over the years', unable to control the anger in her voice that had built up inside her for two years.

'I thought I was doing the best thing I could for you, give you a chance at a normal life, stop you wasting any more of it on me-'

'That wasn't your decision to make for me. You know, even after seeing that security footage I was still in denial for a while. I kept imagining you showing up at my door or contacting me somehow but you never did, not for a long time. I even wanted the FBI to catch you so I could at least see you and shout at you. Then I realised one day you were probably gone for good and I had to accept that and try to move on.'

Her voice cracked a little but she continued, 'You broke my heart, Jane. I know we weren't a couple so I had no right to feel that way but I did nonetheless. Your leaving like that, especially at a time when I thought my career was over too, was like losing a part of myself.' The words came out tumbling, she had never meant to bring this up to him but her pent up fury suddenly had to be released. S

he breathed a little, trying to calm herself before looking up at him and added softly 'You say I had wasted my life on you, I never ever saw it that way.'

He looked into her green eyes, as she tried to keep her tears at bay. 'I thought it was the best way to protect you, Teresa, honestly, it was only when I was on the island for a while I realised how my leaving must have affected you as I was feeling the same way too. I was lost without you too.'

They held each other for a long while before Lisbon spoke again. 'I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lost my temper with you, it's all in the past and we should be concentrating on our future.'

He kissed her tenderly. 'I realise now why you were so distant from me when I got back, you still resented me for leaving.'

'Was I?'

'Yes, in the beginning you hardly ever wanted to go on cases with me, kept on pushing Fischer on to me instead.'

Lisbon replied, a smile beginning to form again, 'Well I didn't think you'd mind with your history together on the island, as she was the one who enticed you back to the U.S. I thought you might enjoy her company again.'

Jane chuckled and replied, 'A little jealous, eh?' Then he added, 'Is that really what you thought at the time? That I came back because of her?'

Lisbon shrugged.

He laughed again. 'You really are clueless sometimes, you know that?'

The remark made her turn her head to him. 'So tell me the truth then, why'd you come back?'

He began to explain. 'Well, as I said I felt lost and alone, especially after two years. My one highlight of the day was writing my letter to you. I used to post it and then take a walk on the beach. I recited the words to myself and imagined you standing there beside me, rolling your eyes or laughing.'

Lisbon turned her head again. 'Really?'

Jane nodded, shrugged and continued. 'Anyway, when I first met Kim on the island she was nice and I guess I was attracted to her a little. I was lonely, thought it might turn into a little holiday romance, a way of getting back into the dating scene I suppose. Being with her and talking to her made me not dwell on missing you quite so much.'

Lisbon shuffled a little, a pang of jealousy hitting her.

Jane, reading her body language, said 'Let me finish, I think you'll like how this story ends'.

He continued, 'After I heard that Abbott was on the island, I went to see him and he offered me his deal. I told him I was done with that life and that I wasn't interested. At the time I thought I meant it. Then he mentioned he found me through my letters to you. Looking back, I think he saw the truth of how I felt then, why was I continuing to include you in my life if I had supposedly moved on? It's obvious to me now that I never had.' He brushed a hair from her forehead and kissed it softly. Lisbon moved closer, placing her hand in his.

'Anyway. I went to dinner with Kim that night and we talked about the decision I had to make, no specifics of course, just that I had been offered a job that meant I could go home. It was nice having the company and she made some good points as to why I should take the offer. In hindsight I realise she was making those points for her own purpose but they made sense, nonetheless. So, on our way home from dinner that night I got beat up a little-'

'What?' Lisbon asked, turning around.

Jane smiled. 'Oh, it was nothing much, I just annoyed a drug dealer a little earlier in the day.'

'Oh, was that all?'

'Anyway, I was pretty drunk by that stage too so she helped me into my place-'

'Are you sure I'm going to like where this is going?'

Jane chuckled. 'Yes! Now let me finish, woman. She put me to bed I guess, I hardly remember it to be honest, I was so out of it. Anyway, the next morning she was standing with her back to me, making me a cup of tea. She must have stayed to keep an eye on me for Abbott. I woke up at the sound of the kettle and in my hung over state took a second to realise who she was.'

He pulled Lisbon's face up to him and said softly, 'In that second before I came to my senses I thought it was you standing there somehow and my heart raced with excitement at the thought.'

He continued, 'I went to the bar I hung out at for breakfast to think things over and Kim came to see me and told me that going back didn't mean going backwards, it could mean moving on and that's what finally made up my mind for me. By that stage, I couldn't get the thought of seeing you in person out of my mind anway so I would have more than likely taken Abbott up on his deal, even without her coaxing. So, in a way you were right, she did entice me back but only because she reminded me of you that morning.'

He caressed her cheek as her tears began to fall at his words before going on. 'So that's why I came home. For you, Teresa Lisbon. I had a feeling Abbott might back out of his deal but I made him promise you would be there when I got back, I knew he would give me that at least.'

'Why the hell didn't you tell me all that when you came back?'

He shrugged. 'Haven't you worked it out yet? I'm an idiot.'

He held her again ans smiled. 'So, if I forgive you for losing your temper with me earlier will you forgive me for being an idiot and leaving you for two years?'

She punched him in the arm but couldn't help but laugh.

'You know I kept all your letters' she said softly.

'I thought you might' he replied.

A/N: I have taken a little artistic license as to why Jane left the island as this is the angle I would have liked to have seen. Hope you enjoy.